Just like Heroine
by sugarswirls
Summary: Sasuke's life has taken a downward spiral since the murder of his family, but his life is flipped upside down when he meets a sweet, blonde haired girl named Naruto. But there's more to Naruto than meets the eye... Highschool AU SasuNaru
1. 1: The price of Darkness

**---Welcome to JLH---**

If you were looking for a story by VanityWantsYou, search for _Just like Heroin_. :3

Without the cute little 'e' at the end.

(For those of you who want to contact me for 'stealing' someone else's title, please, compare the publication dates of either fanfiction before you do this. Thanks!)

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto… -sniff-

Chibi Gaara: You SICK people! Making a girl cry like this! You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Me: Hello all!

Chibi Naruto: -waves and eats a bowl of ramen-

Me: This is my first fanfic! Yaaay!

Crowd: -silence-

Me: oo Tough crowd…

Crowd: -cricket chirp-

Me: -falls off stage-

Crowd: -applauds-

Chibi Naruto: Anyway, on with the fic! Hope you all like it!

**J L H 1**

It was dark, and Sasuke liked it.

There was more than one thing he liked about darkness. The absence of light was a peaceful thing. In the darkness of his penthouse he could hear himself think. Most often that was a good thing. Gloom granted him solitude, a thing he couldn't seem to grasp while out in the sun amidst screaming crowds of fan girls. Darkness was quiet. The hum of electronics and cars seemed to fade away when his curtains were drawn. What was the thing he liked most about it?

Darkness was cheap.

He had no financial problems to speak of. Quite the opposite actually. Nevertheless he refused to spend more money than he had to. He found he needed it more and more to indulge in his own interests.

He sat on the blue-carpeted floor of his bedroom with a tragic, detached look in his eyes. Strewn before him were a needle, a few empty or half empty bottles of beer, and a little plastic bag full of something white. He glanced down at the powdery substance with an expression akin to shame and contempt on his face.

He hated heroine. He hated it, but no matter how much he hated it he could not stop the terrible itching feeling he had in his arms or the snickering voice in his head commanding him to shoot himself full of the demonic thing. The very thought of it made him want to scream and throw himself out a window, so why was he still alive? He gave it a thought. Perhaps he was afraid of dying? No, that couldn't have been it. Everyone had to go in some way or another. Maybe he should have thrown himself out of a window, but that nagging voice in his head told him to go on. He long ago decided that he would be the bitch of his inner self, so he withstood each passing day wanting whatever God to strike him dead and end his pain. There was also another thing that kept his tired heart beating.

Vengeance.

His blood boiled when he thought of his older brother. He destroyed the entire Uchiha bloodline, save for Sasuke and himself, in one night. People everywhere told him that his brother committed suicide after that night, but Sasuke had a nagging feeling in his chest. He felt that somewhere his brother was hiding, just waiting to strike like a viper in the grass.

Hate and confusion were the only emotions Sasuke felt for him since his brother slit his neck and left him for dead. He supposed he could go on living if only to avenge the death of his family.

He couldn't stand it anymore. His arms itched worse than ever and he hastily snatched up the needle and the bag of powder. He was so full of rage that is arms shook as he thought of punching a hole in his wall. He refrained from doing so. Uchihas never lost their cool.

Tomorrow was the first day of high school. Oh, lovely, another reason to leap out of a window. Konoha High School if he remembered correctly. Oh well. School was just another obstacle on his path of suffering. He wondered apathetically what the day would be like. Maybe he'd meet that teacher his deceased uncle used to like.

He cracked a sardonic smile as he felt the sharp prick in his wrist. 'I wonder what I'll wear…' were his last thoughts as everything went black.

----

The little blonde boy panicked. Well, he used to be a boy until by some mistake he was changed into a little blonde fox. He raced through the forest, glancing behind him every so often to see if his pursuer was still chasing him. The fox sensed rather than saw the shadow following him through the underbrush. No matter how fast he ran, the shadow was faster. No matter how many tricky zigzags he performed, the shadow was trickier. 'Come back little fox,' the phantom pleaded in its sickeningly pitiful voice, 'be my friend!' The fox would not be fooled. Who knew what pain this thing could inflict on his poor little furry hide?

Then disaster struck.

His paws suddenly felt like they were made of lead. As he got slower and slower the shadow got closer and closer. The forest walls were beginning to cave in on him. His feet were locked in place as he gazed in horror at the phantom's rapid approach. 'Thank goodness I caught you,' the thing said with good humor, 'You were just about to run off a cliff!'

The fox looked over his shoulder. Not five feet away, a massive hole had opened up in the forest floor. Odd, it wasn't there a minute ago, was it? 'You're such a cute puppy,' the faceless ghost crooned, 'You'll be my puppy forever… and ever… and ever…'

'…Naruto'

"NARUTO!!!"

A pair of cerulean eyes popped open, unevenly cut blonde hair stood on end, short, clumsy limbs flailed and an inhumanly large, pink mouth opened wide in a surprised scream. Naruto fell out of bed with a muffled thud.

"NARUTO!!!"

"What?!?" he screeched back at the voice that had awoken him.

"Get up, lazy ass! You'll be late for school!"

'Shit!' he cursed as he flew down the stairs. His feet padded against the vinyl

floor of the small kitchen as he rummaged through the cabinets, the fridge, and the dish washer looking for something to eat and something to eat it with. He poured an excessive amount of the generic brand 'X' sugary cereal into a half washed bowl and poured milk onto it until the bowl overflowed. He grabbed a filthy spoon and devoured the mountain of unwholesome sweetness with the manners of a starved baboon. "Don't eat like that. You'll give yourself a stomach ache."

Naruto's head snapped over to the place where the living room joined his kitchen. A tall woman with flame red hair and blue eyes was leaning against the off-white counter that bordered the kitchen. "Oh, hey mom," he waved as cheerfully as he could at her. He tried his best to look excited and happy, but he knew she was going to pop the question he hated most. 'Wait for it…'

"Naruto, sweetie?"

This was it.

"You know what you're going to wear?"

Yep. The question to end all questions. His clothes were torture, but he learned to live with them.

"Not really, no," the blonde said sheepishly.

"Well!" a glimmer appeared in her eyes, "Let's dress you up then!"

Now, anyone not related to Naruto's mother would have mistaken that little gleam in her eye as a normal, over-anxious need to help her child make a good first impression. Naruto, however, knew this as an eager self-invitation to make his life a living hell. In a flash she sped to the laundry room. He was past the point of no return now. Not even God could save him. She was utterly hell-bent on having her way. All retaliations against her were crushed and any attempt at escape was doomed to failure. Naruto was convicted to wear what his mom wanted him to, and it was bound to be awful.

She emerged from the laundry room carrying a pile of orange, black, and navy blue clothing. She motioned him to follow her and he reluctantly complied.

"Well," she said after countless combinations of countless different clothes, "Look in the mirror, sweetie. You're fabulous!" Naruto slowly turned to the mirror, steeling himself for the worst. He stared at his own reflection. He would be less horrified if he was staring into a stampede of charging rhinos.

In the mirror he saw himself. That much was obvious. Yet, at the same time he was not himself. He'd gotten used to his treatment since the day he was born.

In the mirror he saw a tight, black spaghetti-strap tank top with an orange swirl in its center. Around his neck he saw the glass dolphin necklace his mother got him when he was two. And his pants… no… _skirt_ was a blue, medium short, jean thing. The scary thing was that he didn't look half bad in it. In his hair he had a decorative orange flower barrette which was unraveling around the edges. He peered at what he believed to be his face with cleverly disguised horror. His eyes had a tad too much eyeliner on them, reminding him of his friend's. Gaara always did have a weird sense of style. Naruto's cheeks were covered in blush and his lips shimmered with cheap lip gloss.

"Like it?" his mom piped up a bit too excitedly. "It's nice," Naruto lied, "But you've gone on overkill with the eyeliner and the blush." His mom mentally smacked herself, "Here, let's just fix that up a bit…"

----

Sasuke growled as he fumbled for the sleep button on the alarm clock. When he finally found it, the damn thing still wouldn't shut up. He hissed at it and knocked it off his bedside stand. The evil, nightmarish ringing still didn't stop. He just had to go buy one of those alarm clocks where the sleep button only worked once. Oh, Sasuke, you're a smart one aren't you? He finally rose from his bed and the alarm clock uttered one last squeal before it was permanently silenced by the World Encyclopedia set of the mighty Uchiha Sasuke.

He triumphed over the clock for a minute or two, and then decided to grab something to eat. He swept up his needle and heroine off the floor, discarded the needle, and stored the bag of white powder in a secret compartment underneath his top dresser drawer.

For some reason unknown to him, Sasuke's living room curtains were wide open and the sun was streaming in. He went back to his bedroom and covered his head with one of his pillows, muttering something about how the sun was too loud. He stumbled back into the sunlight, closed the curtains, then threw his pillow on the couch.

Sasuke had a hangover. The empty bottles of beer on his bedroom floor were proof of that fact. The little voice in his head also seemed louder and more obnoxious than ever.

It wasn't legal for Sasuke to drink. Did he know this? Yes. Did he care? No. Neither did the man on the corner of Spencer and Main as long as he didn't get caught. He seemed to love tainting youth with alcohol.

Sasuke was in the middle of choosing what leftover Chinese takeout he should have for breakfast when he decided he didn't feel so good. His stomach lurched and he made a mad dash for the bathroom. When he'd flushed the contents of his now empty stomach down the drain he took one look in the mirror and decided he needed a shower.

The rest of his morning went by rather monotonously. He picked out his favorite navy shirt and khaki shorts to wear to school. He took more than one pain reliever to stop the blood pounding in his head. He took one last look in the mirror, adjusting his hair around his old headband and slipping a pair of arm-warmers on his arms to hide his scars.

Just when he thought he was ready to leave, he noticed that a piece of hair wasn't where it should've been. He licked his thumb and his index finger and smoothed the unruly piece of hair into its place. It only popped out again. He repeated himself only to see the damned lock of hair reappear in front of his eyes like a fly that refused to go away. He tried again and again in a vain attempt to keep the bothersome piece of hair where it belonged. "To hell with it!" said the Uchiha after ten minutes of fooling around. He grabbed his backpack, slung it angrily over his shoulder and charged out the door.

----

Naruto walked four blocks from his house to his first day at Konoha High School. He whistled and skipped all the way, despite the ridiculous clothing he wore. Today was going to be a good day. His good friend Gaara was being transferred from Suna, where he was supposed to go to school, to Konoha. Apparently the majority of the parents there had filed complaints about poor, innocent Gaara harassing and beating up their kids. Gaara would never beat him up though. Gaara was his friend. He used to be Naruto's next door neighbor once upon a time. He had a weird obsession with waxing his eyebrows. He waxed them too much. He waxed them off. Oh, well. Everyone had their tastes.

He walked through the glass doors of the large brick building and was amazed at how many people were already there. He took a crumpled up piece of paper out of a pocket in his skirt. It said his homeroom for the first day would be room 213. He folded the piece of paper back up and hurried up the stairs. The bell was going to ring any second.

He raced into his homeroom, tossing his book bag on the floor by a nondescript school desk and sitting down tiredly. He felt more than a little winded after running up and down the stairs, through crowds of people, slipping on a puddle of an unknown detergent-smelling liquid and bumping into some ugly looking seniors only to discover from a silver-haired guy that all 200 rooms were on the second floor. Needless to say he felt like an idiot.

He glanced about the room to notice a group of girls sitting in a tight circle in the corner of the classroom. Naruto noticed two people immediately. Sakura, a strawberry haired girl he knew from his theatre camp, and Ino, a blonde prep from his old school. They were talking about something. 'She' this and 'she' that. They seemed to be looking at his general area of the room. He looked behind him, to the right, and to the left. There were only a couple of guys sitting behind him talking about the engines they had in their cars. There was no one else.

Then it dawned on him.

They were talking about him.

"Hey, blondie!" he heard one of them say, "Come here!"

Naruto went obediently to the group of girls. They looked at him like they were going to eat him alive. A bead of sweat appeared on the side of his head. The one known a Sakura came up to him with a devilish grin on her face.

"I remember you!" she said, pointing a finger at the blonde boy, "You were at acting camp last summer weren't you?"

Naruto nodded.

"And you got to play Juliet in the final play, didn't you?"

He nodded again.

"INSTEAD of me."

Once again, Sakura received a curt nod from the blonde boy.

Sakura opened her mouth as if to say more but she was interrupted by the opening of the homeroom door just as the bell rang.

"SAAASUKE-KUUUUUN!!!!"

----

Chibi Naruto: Oh. My. God. -falls backwards-

Chibi Sasuke: Kami-sama… -grabs a bottle of vodka-

Chibi Sakura: Yay! I'm a whiny bitch again!

Me: Well? Love it? Hate it? Praise if you like. Constructive criticism is appreciated from those who don't like. Hate it completely? Go ahead. Flame me. I could use a good laugh.

Chibi Gaara: If you're nice enough, she just might update! Review! Review! Review!


	2. 2: Teenage drama

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own it… maybe I can buy it…

Chibi Sakura: Start saving up your pennies, there.

Chibi Inner Sakura: ((Hahahahaha! Bet you only have ten cents!))

Chibi Kakashi: -reads book-

Me: …

Me: Damn! Only ten cents!

Chibi Inner Sakura: ((Muahahahaha! Die, fool!))

Me: Oh well. I'll just have to get off my lazy ass and get a job…

Chibi Sasuke: ((Yes! The torture shall end! She will be forced to work instead of manipulate our lives on the computer!))

Me: But then I'll have to stop torturing them! I'll have to work instead of manipulate their lives on the computer!

Chibi Sasuke: What? How- Oh, screw it. I'm not even going to ask…

Me: You... all of you... I'm so happy... you all get cookies! You reviewed... and I'm soo happy! Happy happy! -gives you all virtual cookies-

Chibi Sasuke: Swirl-chan?

Me: Yeah? -teary eyed happiness-

Chibi Sasuke: Have you seen my Heroine?

Me: No... wait... did you hide it in the cupboard again?

Chibi Sasuke: Yeah, why?

Me: YOU MEAN THAT WASN'T POWDERED SUGAR?

Chibi Sasuke: Er... no.

Me: -snatches the cookies back- I'll make some more later...

Chibi Sasuke: -groans-

Chibi Kakashi: We can't have arguments and rants all day, can we? On with the fic!

**J L H 2**

"SAAASUKE-KUUUUUN!"

Naruto spun around. At the door was the weirdest looking guy he'd ever seen, and weird wasn't necessarily a bad thing. His navy and white colored clothes matched perfectly with his hair. His skin was pale, sort of like a vampire. If Naruto remembered correctly, vampires were _drop dead sexy._ The object of his attention glared over at the girls swooning in his corner of the room, and pointedly turned his back to them. Naruto had to pick his jaw up off the floor.

This dude had a tight ass.

He quickly regained his composure. Sakura and the other girls flocked like seagulls over to the desk the guy sat in. Naruto assumed he sat there because he wanted to be away from them. By the looks of things, his plan was not working.

One of the girls, one with black hair pulled into cute, little ponytails, attempted to strike up a conversation with him. He huffed aloofly at her and ignored the fact that she existed.

'Alright,' thought Naruto, 'that's understandable. He doesn't like being the center of attention. He must get this a lot.'

Another girl stepped up to him and blabbed incoherently with a giant blush covering her face. He scoffed at her and stared in annoyed way at a random spot on the wall. Then Ino tried her luck and Naruto could tell this boy's patience was wearing thin.

When another anonymous girl offered him a stick of gum, he snapped. He calmly rose out of his seat, picked up his backpack, and stared hard at the seemingly deflated girl. She shrank under his gaze like a flower in the hot sun. Before Naruto could decipher what he said, the girl had burst into tears and he saw a smirk cross the boy's lips.

'Scratch the whole thing,' he found himself growling to himself, 'No matter how unbelievably hot this guy is, he's no knight in shining armor. He's an Ass!

'All the other dudes in this class would kill to be in his shoes! And he treats this girl like dirt!'

Naruto marched crossly over to the desk the boy moved to.

What was his name? Sasuke? Yeah, that was it.

"You!" he pointed a finger at Sasuke. Sasuke looked up, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah, you with the duck-ass hair!"

Across the room the group of girls gasped and placed their hands over their mouths. Sasuke waited in silence.

"How could you do that to someone? She just wants to be nice and you walk all over her like she's dirt!"

Sasuke glared into Naruto's eyes with the ferocity of a tiger whose tail had just been stepped on. Naruto was about to lecture him further when Sakura shrieked off to his right.

"Do you have ANY idea who that is?" she crowed in a shrill voice.

"Why should I care?" Naruto challenged.

"That's Sasuke Uchiha!" piped up another girl.

"Sasuke Who-what-a?" Naruto placed his hands on his hips and glared daggers at Sasuke. He didn't understand what his last name had to do with anything.

"How can you be so rude to him!" another girl squeaked. Naruto glanced over and saw the girl who tried to offer Sasuke a piece of gum staring at him with a red, tear-streaked face. His eye twitched.

"How can you be so nice to this jerk?" he pointed an accusing finger at Sasuke.

"He's really cool and really rich and I'll bet he'll sue you if he wants!"

"He can't sue me! He's not even eighteen! He's a freshman for God's sake!"

"He could too!" she shrieked, "His family owned half of the city! Then they all got murdered!"

Naruto glared skeptically at the girl as she continued to rant.

"He's all alone! His mom died, his dad died, everyone died! Do you have any idea how that must feel?"

Naruto got the feeling she was trying to make him regret what he said. It wasn't working. Surprising? Yes, but not working. He glanced over at the silent black haired boy. He had a dangerous gleam in his eye as he stared a hole through the blubbering female. He grinned a bit. Maybe the uncaring boy was sensitive about his past. Countless blackmail ideas popped into his head.

"-and he has to cook his own food, and wash his own dishes, and do his own laundry-"

So what? Naruto always did that by himself. These bleeding hearts made it sound like all this 'alone' stuff was so bad. He was alone most of his life.

"You should be ashamed of yourself! Have some pity on him!" she looked from Naruto to Sasuke and her expression changed from hatred to puppy love. Naruto bowed his head and was quiet for a moment. The girls and Sasuke mistook this as a sort of contemplation of his actions. A triumphant grin appeared on Sasuke's face.

"Pity?" Naruto raised his face with a mocking smirk. Sasuke's grin faltered.

"How lame! Sure, it's sad, but his tragic little past shouldn't entitle him to be a spoiled rotten brat!"

The girls stepped back, mouths agape.

Sasuke growled.

"You're glorifying his family's death like he's a martyr or something! He's God-mother-fucking rich! He's probably got an army of slaves at his disposal waiting to kiss his goddamn spoiled rotten Uchiha feet!"

Sasuke sat impassively at his desk. His arms were crossed tightly against his chest and he stared blankly at the wall in front of the class. His eyes twitched involuntarily and each pupil narrowed to the size of a pinhead.

Naruto tilted his head and glowered down at Sasuke, "You think you can control the world with your stupid little pity party? You may be able to enslave everyone else with your heartbreaking little story, but I'm not gonna' be your dog!"

Sasuke averted his eyes to stare into the face of the screaming blonde. To his surprise, Naruto's cerulean eyes were brimming with tears.

"You think you know what pain is? You think you're alone? Look at them!" Naruto waved a hand at the crowd of flabbergasted girls, "Look at them!" he repeated, "They like you! They adore you! They'll even give you a piece of gum for Christ's sake! All the guys probably want to be like you and all the girls act like dirt just to get an opportunity to be stepped on by you! You've got everything everyone wants! You have gorgeous eyes, expensive clothes, and a great ass!"

Sasuke's eyes widened a fraction of an inch.

Naruto was in hysterics now.

"And what do I have? I don't have perfect looks! I have no money! No one walks up to me and offers me free gum!

"My clothes are hand-me downs my mom got at the thrift store! Even though I have a mom I'm always alone, even when she's home! At night I sit outside her bedroom door and listen to her cry! You have no idea what it means to be powerless! I'm no one! I have no friends! I have no girlfriends or boyfriends! Even the cats in the alley want nothing to do with me! You should be happy you actually had a family! All I have is my mom and the only reason she doesn't kick me out of my house is because I can make her some extra money when I'm old enough! You don't know how to be sad! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE!"

Naruto stormed out of the class feeling sick to his stomach.

'Why did I have to go and make a fool of myself…?' Naruto sat down around the corner, trying to gather his thoughts. He suddenly felt even sicker.

'I could've had a great year this year and I just blew it up! Now everyone hates me…' He buried his head in his knees. That Sasuke kid would kill him. No, scratch that. He'd probably hire the friendly neighborhood mafia to do it for him.

Naruto felt like dirt. He felt dirtier than dirt. He wanted to melt into the floor and disappear. Maybe he could just quit school and work at a nameless fast food restaurant or a bar. Maybe the cat-house where his mom worked was 'hiring.' Yes. He would live up to his family name and become a slut like they expected him to be.

He sighed into his bare knees and rocked lightly back and forth. He noticed his eyeliner bleeding down both sides of his face.

"Are you lost again?"

Naruto's train of thought was swiftly derailed as he looked up at the sound of a familiar voice. A tall, silver-haired man with a peculiar head band over his eye towered over Naruto, tapping the ground lightly with one foot. He recognized him as the man who helped him with the layout of the school earlier.

Immediately embarrassed, he stood up hastily and brushed out the folds in his skirt.

The silver haired man looked impassively down at his blushing face. His visible eye stared unblinking for a short period of time. Naruto regained a minute percentage of his composure and sheepishly stared at his own feet.

The hall was quiet for a long while.

The tall man lowered himself to Naruto's eye level and looked him over. When he was satisfied, he stood up.

"You look like a train wreck."

----

Sasuke meditated quietly in his chair. He was confused. Amused and confused. Hah. He marveled at his rhyming abilities.

No one, and he meant _no one,_ ever insulted him. No one dared to rebuke the almighty Uchiha Sasuke. He was rich, he was powerful, he was scary. Everyone he'd met was either scared stiff of or hopelessly in love with him.

Not this girl. Not this nameless, shameless girl with her boyish haircut and obviously low budget. Once again, he marveled at his rhyming.

His eyes were glued to the doorway out of which the daring girl fled. He was deeply confused. He was so bewildered that he felt, dare he say it, troubled.

No one talked to him that way. Not even his mother had talked to him that way. This girl was completely oblivious to Sasuke's social status. She had no idea who he was or even who his family used to be. She must've been the only girl in a five hundred mile radius who didn't know his name, his age, his height, his weight and his favorite shampoo.

She was also the only girl in his history who didn't gravitate to and revolve around him. Everyone else was a drone. Why wasn't she? He wondered irritably if he had a zit on his forehead. He withdrew a mirror from a small pocket on his pack. When he attempted to look in the portable mirror he noticed that the same dark lock of hair he had so much trouble with that morning was still dangling in front of his nose.

"Dammit…" he cursed softly as he endeavored once again to put the untamed piece of hair in its place. As the reader would expect, it popped right back out. Dammit! It wouldn't stay! Why? Why?

He felt Sakura's eyes on him as he tried vainly to correct his hair. He scowled viciously at her and she retreated behind her wall of followers. He felt disgustingly good about what he just did.

He decided once again to let the piece of hair rebel as it would and he sank back into his chair.

School started at eight-o-clock sharp, and it was eight-thirteen. Which meant that the teacher was thirteen minutes late. How many teachers were late to their own classes?

He tapped his fingers anxiously against his mirror.

Did his hair really look like a duck's ass?

Why didn't the girl like him?

Why on earth did he care?

"What's the matter with you? Finally found what you want is what you can't have?"

Sasuke glared poison over his shoulder, "Neji," he warned, "Did you say something?"

The boy addressed focused his pale eyes on the fuming Uchiha and smiled, "Of course not, your majesty."

Sasuke was just about to say something smart when the classroom door opened once again. A mask-clad face with silvery hair and only one visible eye smiled apologetically at the class. The owner of the face pushed the door open, casually saying in a perky tone of voice, "Sorry we're late! We got lost."

'We?' Sasuke peered at the doorway as the silver haired one moved away. The short, blonde girl trudged in the door in great contrast to the whistling, hop-step of the taller man. He watched with hawk eyes as she reluctantly curled up in a chair opposite his side of the room. She glanced at him, but blushed and looked away when she found he was looking at her, too. Sasuke noticed the redness of tear-streaks down her cheeks. Why was he so good at rhyming? Holy Jesus!

"OOOOKAAAAAY!" The tall man stood on his tip-toes at the front of his room. The raven-haired boy snapped to attention. Now that he had the attention of the class, the man gleefully uncapped a red white board marker and began to write his name on the board. "Hello everyone. My name is…" he finished doodling, capped the red pen and motioned dramatically to the board, "Kakashi! And you will all refer to me as Kakashi Sensei!"

Sasuke found himself leaning forward against his desk and blinking uncontrollably at the teacher's absurd handwriting. Every single bubbly, red letter of his name was surrounded by a heart. There were doodles here and doodles there, all across the board. He felt like he had been removed from high school and put into a class of preschoolers.

He glanced to his right and was happy to see Neji sharing the same reaction. Then his eyes wandered to his left where he saw the little blonde girl smiling serenely.

She looked so much nicer when she smiled.

Okay, now where did _that_ come from?

"Do you really like Naruto that much, Sasuke Uchiha? Or are you one of those types who just stares a lot?" Sasuke gritted his teeth and fixed his eyes on Kakashi. If looks could kill, Kakashi would've been dead where he stood. Luckily, the limbs of everyone's favorite teacher were still attached to the torso of everyone's favorite teacher.

"Kakashi Sensei?" Sakura cut in.

"Hm?" he stared at her with an enthusiastic eye.

"You're late."

Kakashi's eye assumed an indifferent look. He stood there for several minutes, hunched over with his hands on his knees in utter silence.

"What's your name, sweetie?" he asked sarcastically.

Sakura hesitated. She looked to her beloved Sasuke for advice to find that he was enjoying this torture more than he let on. She glanced at Ino, who was giving her the 'you're on your own' look. Seeing that no one would help her out, she cleared her throat and whispered, "Sakura…"

"Speak louder, girl. I can't hear you."

"Sakura." She repeated.

"In a complete sentence." He added as-a-matter-of-factly, "We are in school, you know!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "My name is Sakura."

"My name is Sakura, SENSEI!"

"MYNAMEISSAKURASENSEI!"

"Good!" Kakashi grinned at Sakura's bleach white face, "Now then, Sakura?"

"Y-yes?"

"Sakura?" he repeated.

"Yes, Sensei?" she replied timidly.

"Hmmmmmmm…." Kakashi walked around comically with his hand to his chin. He stopped in the center of the room and turned to the pink haired girl.

"Sakura?"

"…"

"Shut up."

----

Chibi Gaara: wipes away sweat

Me: Well! That was lovely, wasn't it?

Chibi Sasuke: laughing his ass off…

Chibi Sakura: gasp Sasuke? Your… your ass… IT'S GONE!

Chibi Sakura: NOOOOO! I don't have anything left to live for! dies

Chibi Gaara: Don't worry. She'll be back.

Me: Yeah. Then maybe Kakashi can torture her more…

Chibi Kakashi: KAKASHI SENSEI!

Me: KAKASHISENSEI!

Chibi Kakashi Sensei: Good!

Chibi Gaara: Love it? Hate it? We need your feedback! It's like… beer!

Me: Yeah! If we don't have beer we'll have to survive on nothing but… food and water!

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	3. 3: The definition of a coward

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Naruto. My friend claims she does. She's a liar.

Chibi Sakura: Bet you don't have enough money yet.

Me: That's where you're wrong!

Chibi Sakura: What? How?

Me: Since last time I've gained a surplus amount of money! Operation Naruto Ownage Fund is a success!

Chibi Sakura: That's impossible! How much do you have?

Me: I now have, courtesy of the charitable students at my high school…

Me: One dollar and ten cents!

Me: Anyway, thank you all for your reviews... Especially to Trekiael-sama... YOU ARE GOD! -bows- I'm going to have a little sympathy party now! Yay! You should all be nice to me because I got body-checked today in hockey and broke my ankle! Also, I appologize if I don't update for long periods of time. As you'll see, the chapters are getting longer, and you know how people get after a while... they get lazy. And I am the queen of lazy!

Chibi Sakura: -sweat drop-

Chibi Gaara: Why haven't I been introduced yet?

Me: I think I'll introduce you in this chapter.

Chibi Gaara: Oh good!

Me: I think I'll also explain why Naruto is the way he is.

Chibi Naruto: I've been meaning to ask you about that myself.

Chibi Sakura: Anyway, welcome to the third installment of JLH! If you're reading this on your lovely little monitor, that means you've reviewed! Yay you!

Chibi Gaara: Yes! -waves little victory flags-

Me: Read, review, and relax!

**J L H 3**

Naruto slept half the way through Kakashi's introductory speech. He explained the rules, handed out handbooks and planners, then passed out schedules. Naruto believed there was supposed to be more to it, seeing as the teacher has arrived late and finished early. He didn't press the matter though. He saw what happened to Sakura. He felt like cheering for the silver-haired man.

He thought it odd for a man of clearly young age to have grey hair. Maybe he was an albino… But all the albinos he met were timid, toothpick-thin little things who looked like they'd been stuck on the dark side of the moon for ten years. He didn't mean to be offensive, but that's just how he saw them.

Kakashi wasn't a toothpick. Nor did he look starved and sleep deprived.

And Kakashi _Sensei _was most definitely not timid.

The object of Naruto's fascination was leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up on his messy desk. He was reading some Orange covered book titled Icha-Icha Paradise. Maybe it was a book like Lord of the Flies or something…

Poor Naru-chan never knew how wrong he was.

Kakashi looked like he was having a good time. It was best not to bother him about what the book was.

Beeeeeeep! the intercom above Kakashi's desk choked, "Alright, guys and gals! Having a good first day?" No. "Well, time to visit your first period class! If you get lost, just ask one of the teachers in the hall. They will know what to do. Have a great time, folks!" the man on the intercom hung up with a click.

"Have fun, everyone!" Kakashi piped up and waved enthusiastically without taking his eye off of his book.

Naruto shuffled through the halls and up one floor to his first class. Freshman had already gathered in the room when he got there. Room 302: German class with Mitarashi Sensei.

When class started, one of the things Mitarashi Sensei announced first was that she would answer to the name of Anko. She wanted to be called by her first name because she despised formalities. Naruto liked that. After briefly introducing the countries of Germany and Austria she let the students get to know one another.

Naruto looked around the room for a friendly face. Or a lonely one, whichever worked best. He saw a person with straw-like black hair tied into a ponytail. He was staring off into space like that weird Sasuke dude did. Maybe he liked to be alone like Sasuke did. He decided to leave him alone.

Next came Geometry. He poked his head into class and saw who he assumed was the teacher fuming in the corner he'd backed his desk into. He tapped his fingers together in an irritated way and his eyes surveyed the room like a hawk's.

All the students in the dimly lit room were huddled in the opposite corner, looking like they were about to be devoured alive.

Naruto, being the naïve boy he was, casually reclined in his desk on the teacher's side of the room. He could feel the teacher's icy stare on him, but shrugged it off.

He noticed how many white board markers were scattered around the floor. Odd, all their tips were broken off. Some of them were even broken in half. He had a feeling that his teacher had issues.

When the bell rang Naruto was still the only one sitting at that side if the class. The creepy teacher was just about to get up out of his spot in the corner when there was a knock on the door.

All was silent.

"You." He pointed a finger at Ino, one of the people huddled in the opposite corner.

She gulped and hesitantly pointed at herself.

"Yes, you. The little, happy Rainbow Sally in the corner. Open the door."

His voice was as cold as ice. Naruto felt chills run down his spine as Ino tip-toed tentatively over to the door. She opened it timidly and in stepped another girl.

She bowed quickly to the fuming teacher. "I'm sorry, Sensei! Please forgive me. I was careless."

Naruto saw the man give a slow nod. The girl meekly took a spot behind the puzzled blonde boy.

The darkly dressed man walked with a purposeful slowness to the front of the room without saying a word. He snatched up a blue marker and wrote something on the board. Then the end of the pen broke off. Shortly after that he snapped the useless thing in half on his knee and stood noiselessly in front of the room.

Zabuza. Naruto peered at his scratchy handwriting as he waltzed casually back and forth at the front of the room. He was talking in a monotone voice about things the students were _not _supposed to do in _his _class.

Never call him by his name, never chew gum, never eat anything, never breathe without permission…

Naruto was saved by the bell, and it appeared that everyone else was too. The students rushed out the door in a flood. Naruto and the nameless girl were the last to leave. They could both feel Zabuza's eyes burning two identical holes in their heads.

He had Earth Science next. In contrast to the dark, foreboding class he'd left, Naruto's Science class was brimming with interesting things. Globes and satellite replicas dangled from the ceiling, walls were covered in colorful posters, and even the desks were different colors.

An old man with what remaining hair he had swept over his bald spot was at his computer. The computer was on a desk, and the desk was in front of the room. His glasses were pushed up to the bridge of his nose and he wore a candy-cane striped tie. He looked like your typical, good-natured pencil-pusher.

When the bell rang, he pushed his glasses even farther up on his nose and walked up to the board with a coffee cup in his hand. He informed everyone that his name was Kusakabi Sensei.

Naruto nearly fell asleep in the middle of his 'my family' speech.

When he was finally done blubbering, he sorted the students into their lab groups. "Uzumaki Naruto?" he searched for the boy in question

Naruto acknowledged.

Funny, Kusakabi was expecting a boy. He didn't ask questions. "You will be paired with…" he fingered down his list, "Hyuga Neji."

Naruto was escorted to his lab table where his lab partner sat. He set his backpack down and slumped into his seat. This whole 'class introduction' thing was rather tiresome.

"Hello, there," said a voice next to him.

He blinked and looked over at his lab partner curiously. He had long, black hair and really pale eyes. Naruto could tell the other boy wanted to make him feel comfortable. Finally! A non-jerk!

"Hi!" Naruto piped up a little too enthusiastically.

Neji grinned. He could tell the incredibly flat-chested girl was happy to meet him. She beamed at him with her charming face. Neji decided right then and there that he wanted this girl for himself. If that brat wanted to take her from him, Sasuke would have to break down his door, burn down his house, and pry her from his cold, dead arms.

Naruto, oblivious to the glazed look in Neji's eyes, babbled energetically about himself. Neji nodded every once in a while to prove that he was listening.

The intercom buzzed to life again, "Hello all you girls and guys! Having fun so far?" A little bit. "If you have lunch next period, go to the gymnasium on the first floor. Once again, I'm sure your teachers will show you the way. Have a great lunch!"

"I have lunch next! I'm starved!" the excited Naruto bounced in his seat.

"So do I. What a coincidence," Neji smiled triumphantly.

Naruto looked at him and clenched his fists against his chest. "Reeeeeally?" he squeaked with stars in his eyes, "That's so cool! You can eat with me! Pretty, pretty please?" Okay. Naruto was not over reacting. He was just very excited to have a new friend. He really wanted to be with Neji. Neji was nice. Well, he had known him for only a few minutes, but he decided that Neji was nice. He hadn't laughed at him or spit in his face yet, so that made him nice, didn't it?

"I'd love to," Neji said in his charming, yet commanding voice.

------

Sasuke's first class was boring.

Sasuke's second class was boring.

Someone got pegged by a white board marker in his third class, then Sasuke's third class was boring.

Now he had lunch, which sure as hell would be boring.

In the gym the school had set up a miniature buffet. There were hamburgers, hot dogs, salads, apples, chips, and cookies.

He took tiny bites of his lunch and glowered at everyone and everything in his line of vision.

He hated school. He despised it. All morning long he was pestered by girls who wanted to date him and boys who wanted to be his friend. He remembered asking one girl what she thought of his hair and she sighed dreamily before falling over.

The same piece of hair was still sitting in front of his face, mocking his helplessness to tame it. He gave up in third period when his teacher snapped his mirror in half.

He glanced over at the gym door to his right and saw a flock of girls stampede through it. He knew this as his unofficial fan club and he shrank back into the droves of students.

He leaned against a wall and a scraggly, blonde head of hair found its way into his view. The girl from his homeroom class was speed-walking. Her face was glowing and her lips moved at a hundred miles an hour. Sasuke peered harder.

She was holding someone's hand.

He glared.

He glared harder than he'd ever glared before.

He glared the glare to end all glares.

People around him were awkwardly silent. They'd never seen the Uchiha so angry before. They slowly backed away from Sasuke like he was a wounded, wild animal.

And he was.

There, holding Naruto's hand was Hyuga Neji.

His rival, his adversary in the battle of life was Neji. He always thought he was so much smarter than the furious Uchiha. He said that one day he would have everything and Sasuke would beg to serve him.

And now he had the one thing Sasuke did not.

A girlfriend.

But he didn't think he wanted a girlfriend.

Sasuke didn't understand why he was so furious. He hated the girl. He hated all girls. Didn't he? She was a nuisance, wasn't she?

He wanted so much to hate the girl who had mocked him, annoyed him, and disrespected his family. Yet his blood felt hot when he saw her cute, little, delicately tanned hand held by another man's.

Honestly. Why didn't he just write a goddamn poem? His rhyming was beginning to make him nauseous.

Rhyming aside, he knew that Naruto would never be happy with a creep like Neji.

Then why? Why did she look so happy? Neji's face was characterized by a small smile as well. They looked, dare he say it, good together.

Sasuke blinked.

No one had ever come to Naruto wanting to be her friend. She had no friends. Neji must've looked like a knight in shining armor come to save her from the ugly, evil dragons that were Sasuke and the rest of the population.

He sighed. He felt like shit.

A lowly, confused pile of shit.

He focused on Neji's smug face, willing it to explode by the power of his colorful imagination.

Once they had gone through the line, the disgustingly happy couple sat together against another wall. Naruto was wolfing down her food while Neji took calculated bites of his salad.

Suddenly, the blonde girl looked up. Sasuke's eyes widened as he saw her leap out of her hunched position and run ecstatically away from Neji with her arms spread wide. She soared into the air like a kitten pouncing on its prey and then she came barreling back to earth.

"GAAAARRAA!" he heard her screech as she bowled someone over.

'Gaara?' Sasuke recognized the name. Wasn't he the one from the Suna district who beat up countless numbers of kids? One of his second cousins once lived in Suna. He got a black eye from an encounter with the red haired wonder. Why would an innocent little girl like Naruto know someone like Gaara?

The terrified victim sprang up immediately and frantically tried to pry the grinning girl off. When he finally managed to do so, Naruto only clung onto his back and ruffled up his short, red hair as he fell over.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow. This guy was shorter than Naruto! He was a shrimp! His second cousin was at least twice his size and twice his age. The shrimp must've been even shorter back then too.

He pushed the girl playfully and she tackled him again in return. The kid wore so much eyeliner that he looked like a zombie. And where were his eyebrows? Sasuke leaned closer.

He had no eyebrows! What a maroon. If the desired effect was to make him look creepy, he had achieved his goal with flying colors.

Naruto dragged the red-haired boy over to where Neji still sat. Sasuke could tell that introductions were being passed between them. Gaara would say some one word sentence, then Neji would make a hand motion and do the same. All the while the hyper blonde girl was babbling on, and on, and on, about something that was probably completely off the subject.

He didn't understand Naruto. Her friends were nothing like her. Heh, apparently she did have friends after all.

He watched as Naruto's expression went from ecstatic, to scared, to dreamy, and then to sadness. Her eyes shimmered and she began making exaggerated motions with her hands. Sasuke knew she was talking about him. He saw Neji's eyes widen a fraction and wondered why.

He took a brief look at the other participants in the conversation.

Naruto was still acting pathetic.

And Gaara…

Whoa.

Gaara's face screamed murder. Sasuke saw his fists clench and his face contort into an expression of cleverly concealed, savage rage.

Sasuke rolled his eyes exasperatedly. He'd best make out his will then…

The red-haired boy's eyes were twitching ever so slightly now. A vein popped out of his forehead.

Sasuke smiled his sardonic smile. This guy was going to _kill_ him! He wondered distantly if it would hurt. It wouldn't do him any good to stab Sasuke in the heart though.

He didn't have one.

But on second thought, maybe he did.

He watched as the girl's expression changed. She was smiling again. If Sasuke had no heart, then it would only be logical for him not to feel some degree of happiness when Naruto smiled.

Sasuke bemusedly turned away and tossed the remainder of his lunch in the trash. He glanced back at Naruto.

Maybe he did have a heart after all.

------

Naruto watched as the back of who he thought was the Uchiha boy vanished through the gym doors. He cringed. Was Sasuke watching him the entire time? Maybe he should have crawled under a rock and died while he still had a chance.

"What is it, Naruto?" Gaara was glancing up at him with a curious look on his face.

"Oh nothing. I just thought I saw Sasuke…"

"That dick!" Gaara hissed and rolled up his sleeve like he wanted to fight, "Where is he? I'll bury him!"

Naruto waved his arms in a 'no big deal' sort of way, "It's okay Gaara. It was sort of my fault anyway."

"Sort of your fault? That asshole is going around and walking all over people! How is that your fault?"

"Uhm…" Naruto scratched his head, "I mean the argument thing. That was my fault. I feel sorta' bad now."

Neji spoke up, "Don't feel sorry. He had it coming. He's been spoiled ever since he was born." He slung an arm over Naruto's shoulder, "Don't get so hung up about it."

Naruto was really starting to like Neji. Neji made his whole day better. He was much better than that Sasuke bastard. Much, much better.

And he didn't have duck ass-hair.

Yeah.

The intercom blared again, "Will students at lunch please leave for their fourth period class."

Neji stretched. "Well," he said, "What do you have next, then?"

"Art." Naruto replied. He hoped Neji would have the same. What Neji said next broke his heart.

"I've got English. My friend says the teacher is a real pushover. See you."

Naruto waved back, hollering something about missing him already, then turned to Gaara. "What do you have next, Gaara?"

The green-eyed boy pulled a piece of paper out of his jeans pocket. "Says here," he droned, "I've got the same class as you. 208?" Naruto nodded enthusiastically, "Well, isn't that just peachy! I hope we'll get to sit together then."

The pair walked up the hall together. Naruto gazed lovingly at his best friend. In the beginning, Gaara hated him. Whenever he walked up to him in elementary school the red-haired boy would just push him away and laugh at him. But our naïve little Naruto kept coming back with his friendly intentions and one day Gaara gave up. He asked Naruto why he wanted to be his friend if he kept refusing. Naruto said that Gaara was lonely, just like him.

And Gaara was lonely. He never felt the want or need for human companionship when he was young. People were bad. He knew that better than anyone. He wanted nothing more than to see them cry, bleed, and die. He wanted to kill every last one of them.

When he got to know Naruto, he found that Naruto was different. He didn't want to scratch him, or bite him, or kick dirt in his face. Naruto was pure, and Gaara liked it.

Gaara was also the only person outside his family who knew he was a boy.

Naruto's mother had always wanted a girl. Before she went into the business of selling herself, she had a boyfriend. It was hard to believe, but at one time Naruto's mother had actually been in a real relationship.

She ran away with his father when they were only seventeen. They lived together in the same house their son lived in now. After a while his mom found out she was pregnant. She told Naruto's father the good news.

His father had decided that no matter what gender he was, they would name him Naruto. And so he was named Naruto.

When he was born, his mother figured out that he was a boy. She was disappointed, the doctors were drunk, and for some reason unknown to him, his birth certificate said he was a girl.

Naruto had always been told that his dad died. When he asked his mom how he died, she'd look away and he'd feel like he'd just thrown some kind of rock at her. He'd go to his room, feeling awful. The next morning he would apologize and she always waved it off.

Since he was legally her 'daughter,' she bought him all sorts of girl stuff. He only had three pairs of jeans, and they were girl jeans. All of his shirts had things like hearts, funky, feminine swirly things, fringe, and immature, innocent sayings on them.

It wasn't as bad as it could've been.

When he was little he used to look like a walking doily.

No one seemed to question the 'fact' that he was a girl. He sort of looked like one. He had girly hips, a girly attitude, and he was not ashamed of the fact that he liked guys. His voice hadn't deepened yet, and he wondered if it ever would.

Maybe all the estrogen in his life was making him morph into his mother's perfect daughter after all.

He did have one uncle though.

And this uncle was the perverted, sick individual who taught sweet little Naruto what it meant to be a guy.

Good old Jiraiya.

The self-acclaimed 'Super Pervert.'

When Naruto's mom was 'busy,' he'd always get sent to his favorite uncle's house. Jiraiya would wait until his sister's nondescript, red compact car drove out of sight before he dragged Naruto to his 'office.'

In this office of his Uncle's there was a desk, a computer, some papers, a printer, and a filing cabinet. In this filing cabinet were a few rather interesting objects. There were magazines of various titles, each sporting a naked woman on the cover, a pack of colorful plastic things Naruto didn't care to know about, and a few other things better left unsaid.

Naruto would be free to dig through his uncle's porn magazines as well as fool around on his computer. Needless to say, his uncle had some tasty things in his favorites list.

Jiraiya acted like a salesman. He'd pull out a random magazine and animatedly explain what was so exciting about it, then he'd shove it up against Naruto's face and continue to babble about his inner thoughts.

His uncle was so perverted that Naruto had taken to calling him Ero-sannin.

He quickly adopted the nickname.

Come to think of it, he was going to his uncle's house after school. Maybe he'd bring Gaara with him.

The pair of them strolled into their art class.

It was a cluttered, yet colorful little room. He dragged Gaara over to a table near the front of the room and allowed his back pack to hit the ground with a thud. The blonde took a look around the room. The lonely guy from first period sat by himself at the table next to Naruto's. He stared impassively at the back wall without blinking.

Naruto gawked at the stoic boy. He really was like Sasuke! Why didn't he have any friends?

Naruto, in an attempt to be friendly, walked over to the boy and tried to strike up a conversation. He was promptly ignored and he heard the black-haired one mutter something about him being troublesome. Crestfallen, he wandered back over to his seat.

"Why don't you think he'll talk to me, Gaara?" he asked his red-haired friend.

Gaara shut his eyes and bowed his head, "Maybe he doesn't want any friends."

A few seconds before the bell rang, someone else meandered into the classroom.

Naruto looked up to see a navy-clad, pale figure lounged in a chair next to the stoic, straw-haired boy.

Sasuke? Naruto blinked.

Sasuke had his art class?

He stole a glance at Gaara. Oh boy. Well, as long as their fights didn't mess him up when he was drawing he was okay. He just had to wait for Gaara to notice him.

Three…

Two…

One…

"Uchiha?" Gaara stood up and viciously glowered at Sasuke. "Uchiha Sasuke?" he raised his voice to a point where it was just dangerous enough to make any normal human being cower in the shadows. When Sasuke looked up uncaringly, Gaara sneered.

"Hah. I knew it. You Uchihas are all the same. You act tough, but you're just a bunch of yellow cowards. You make me sick."

Sasuke shrugged it off.

He opened his eyes slowly, huffed to himself, and smirked. Upon doing so, he pointedly turned his back on Gaara and relaxed in his chair as he had done before he was verbally assaulted.

The rest of the class was uneventful, save for the murderous glances that passed between Gaara and the Uchiha.

The art teacher's name was Perry Sensei. She had dirty blonde hair and she wrote her name on the board like any normal teacher would. Naruto could tell she was trying to act with some degree of normality, in any way 'normality' related to anything in Konoha.

The bell sounded and the class ended. Tentatively, Naruto tried to make his departure from class as uneventful as humanly possible. Sadly, fate had other ideas.

Gaara glowered up at Sasuke, "Fool with Naruto and you'll pay, Uchiha."

Sasuke looked down on Gaara with an irritated expression.

"So," He began, "if you're so righteous, tell me, why don't you come over and fight me?" Gaara took a step back, "Maybe you don't need to fight to prove your worth. Maybe you don't need to fight because you gave up fighting long ago. Maybe you don't need to fight because you couldn't stand to let your little blonde friend see you lose."

He paused, "Maybe you don't need to fight because you have no one to protect."

Then Sasuke gave the red head an all-knowing look, "Or maybe it's because fighting would make you a coward," Gaara's eyes widened, "just like me."

He left a profound silence with Naruto and his friend. They glanced at one another, then at Sasuke's fleeting form.

They took the long way to their next class.

They didn't talk. Naruto glanced over worriedly at his friend, who had a glazed sheen in his eyes. His face was expressionless and the slow pace in which he walked suggested that he was thinking. Naruto shoved his hands in his pockets. He felt uncomfortable in awkward silences.

The clouds over Naruto's mind cleared instantly when Neji's long hair came into view. He glomped the unprepared victim and Neji teetered off balance for a moment.

Gaara walked casually up to the tittering Naruto and his partner. They were both walking hand in hand into their health class, leaving Gaara to contemplate his thoughts.

…_Fighting would make you a coward…_

…_Just like me._

------

"_Itachi?"_

"_Yes, Sasuke?"_

"_What's a coward?"_

_Sasuke's older brother turned and gave him a solemn look, "Why do you ask?"_

"_I don't know…" the little Sasuke's feet shuffled in his sandals, "Just curious I guess."_

_Itachi motioned for his little brother to take a spot beside him in the sand. Sasuke did so quietly and obediently. For a while the two of them sat on the beach outside of town and just let the wind ruffle their hair. The ocean glittered in shades of orange and magenta as the sun vanished beneath the horizon._

_Itachi stole a glance at his younger brother and spoke up._

"_Some people think a coward is a man who hides in the shadows when he's in trouble. When he or someone he knows is in danger, he turns tail and runs."_

_Sasuke leaned closer to his brother as a strong gust of wind buffeted them both._

"_Some people think if you give up a fight, you're a coward, even if you have no chance of winning."_

_Sasuke huddled his legs up against his chest and rocked back and forth detachedly. He listened as his brother's melodious voice continued, "But people think that if you die fighting in a losing battle, you're a hero. If you died knowing you would never win, that made you brave and courageous. Some people also think that those who fight without a second thought are courageous."_

_He paused and looked down at his puzzled younger brother, "But I define courage as cowardice."_

_Sasuke's big, dark eyes blinked once._

"_Fighting makes someone a coward. Someone who fights may have righteous reasoning for doing so, but in the end they are only selfishly trying to prove their worth to the world or to themselves. People who fight losing battles are only trying to martyr themselves for their own miserly benefit. They're nothing but fools._

"_People who fight because they know they'll win anyway are cowards. They beat down on those weaker than them simply to prove to themselves the extent of their own strength._

"_Cowards, by definition, are people of fear, Sasuke. Bullies are afraid to be unknown in life, and martyrs are afraid that their lives would never amount to anything otherwise. When you think about it, cowards are after only one thing: pride._

"_And in the end, Sasuke, pride is what really makes a true coward."_

Sasuke stalked soundlessly through the halls. The bell would ring at any minute, but he didn't care.

His confrontation with Gaara dug up a few memories better left buried. His brother was long gone with the rest of his family, but his ghost lingered in the murkiest depths of Sasuke's consciousness, taunting and whispering lullabies, the lyrics of which he had long ago forgotten.

He wished that for one second he could be alone, but memories slowly rose from the graveyard of his dreams and floated around his mind like specters.

The bell rang and the last of the students scrambled to their classrooms, but not he. Sasuke continued to wander aimlessly through the halls.

He had already passed by the class he was supposed to be in several times without incident. He noticed with distaste that virtually everyone he hated was in his health class. He saw Neji toying with a pencil, Sakura tapping her fingers together, Gaara with his feet on his desk, and Ino chewing on one of her fingernails.

He also saw in the midst of Gaara and Neji, a pleasantly smiling face with eyes like the sea and a head of hair like the rising sun.

If Sasuke wasn't such an ass, then maybe that would have been he sitting next to Naruto, and not Neji.

Never in Sasuke's life had he felt so alone.

He slumped against the wall and let his shoes slip until he hit the floor. The day was oozing by like a puddle of outdated, nondescript molasses on a January morning in the Arctic Circle.

"_Itachi?"_

Sasuke wanted to die.

"_What's a coward?"_

According to his brother, everyone was a coward.

"_Some people think a coward is a man who hides in the shadows when he's in trouble."_

Sasuke was always hiding in the shadows.

"_People who fight losing battles are only trying to martyr themselves for their own miserly benefit."_

You're making a martyr out of yourself, Sasuke.

"_People who fight because they know they'll win anyway are cowards."_

He always had his financial situation in mind when someone challenged his authority.

"_And in the end, Sasuke, pride is what really makes a true coward."_

Maybe he was too proud to make friends, or to even get help with his 'problems.' He always thought that things would go so much better when he was alone, and now he was a wreck. His heroin was stuck at home in the darkness of his dresser drawer, and Naruto was flirting with Neji.

He cradled his head in his hands.

"_Itachi?"_

"Itachi,"

"I think I can understand why you didn't think I was worth killing…"

"_What's a coward?"_

"I'm a coward, Itachi. I'm a coward…"

------

Back in health class, students were fooling around as they would. Naruto was surprised that his homeroom teacher was also his health teacher. Kakashi Sensei was by far the most interesting teacher yet. He didn't bother too much with introductions because most students had already met him. Instead he was absorbed in his book.

Naruto was delighted to see so many people he knew in his class. This would be a great class, he could tell.

When he was done chattering Neji's head off, he began to notice some rather odd behavior on behalf of Kakashi Sensei. He would set his book down, glance at the clock, get up, peer out the door, mutter something Naruto couldn't hear, then sit down again and read his book.

Naruto wanted to ask him what was wrong.

He shuffled over to Kakashi Sensei and hovered around his desk for a while. The silver-haired teacher glanced up at the hesitant blonde and quirked an eyebrow, "What's with you?"

"Actually I was going to ask you the same thing," Naruto crossed his arms, "Why are you acting so weird?"

Kakashi, clearly impressed by his student's straightforward attitude, crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, "You're very observant, aren't you?"

Naruto waited for an answer.

Taking the hint, Kakashi tilted his head, "You haven't seen Uchiha Sasuke anywhere, have you?"

Startled, Naruto stuttered. "N-no, I don't think I have…" he lied, "Is he in this class?"

Kakashi threw his arms up in the air, "Well, he's supposed to be. Says here," he pointed at a roster on his desk, "that he's supposed to be in this class now. We both know he was here this morning, so where is he now?"

Naruto looked at his feet.

"You saw him recently, didn't you?" The silver-haired sensei tapped his fingers on the table in a knowing way.

"Yeah," Naruto sighed, "We saw him."

"We?"

"Gaara and I. They got in a fight, sort of, and now Gaara's really quiet."

"What was it about?"

"I dunno… something about cowards I guess."

Kakashi stayed silent for a while.

"Sensei?" Naruto looked up with his hands on his hips, "Why are you so concerned about him?"

Kakashi sighed, "I used to be a good friend with his uncle. Obito, that was his name, was always telling me what a troubled kid Sasuke was. He said he suspected his nephew's older brother was filling his head with the 'facts of life.' His ideals were a bit… extreme, let's just say."

"Oh," Naruto averted his eyes, "I see."

"What do you say I go look for him? I think I'll know where to find him."

"I think," Naruto cracked a smile, "I might like that."

------

"Found you."

Sasuke looked up from his hunched position on the ground to see Kakashi Sensei staring him in the face. When Sasuke didn't say anything, Kakashi piped up exuberantly, "You know, you look a lot like Naruto did this morning, although I don't think Uchihas cry."

Sasuke scowled.

Kakashi knew he wasn't listening, but he couldn't care less if he was talking to a brick.

"You surprise me. I thought all you Uchihas were perfect." He shrugged, "Guess I was wrong, though."

Sasuke's face darkened and the silver-haired man could tell he hit a soft spot. His eyes softened. He straightened from his crouch on the floor and looked at Sasuke expressionlessly.

"You know," he began, "you shouldn't listen to Itachi. Even the dead one is a fool."

Sasuke watched, dumbfounded, as his homeroom teacher whistled his way down the empty corridor, leaving him, once again, alone with his thoughts.

------

When the silver-haired teacher waltzed back through the doorway, Naruto was disappointed to see that he was alone. He marched up to his teacher for an explanation.

"Where's Sasuke?" asked Naruto.

"Oh him? He's lying in a pool of blood somewhere on the first floor. Here, 'wanna read his suicide note? It's a little bloody but-"

"Kakashi Sensei!" Naruto whined.

"Relax, relax. He's coming." Kakashi waved Naruto off with one hand while the other picked up his orange book.

"How do you know?" Naruto pouted.

"Shoo! Go away!" Kakashi shoved him away from his desk and stuck his nose in his book.

Defeated, Naruto returned to his desk.

"What was that about?" Neji inquired with an eyebrow quirked. Naruto beamed at him, "Oh, nothing!"

"The health teacher is definitely friendlier with you," Gaara spoke up.

"Gaara! You're feeling better, then?" Naruto perked. Gaara sighed, "I guess so."

"That's good! You're even creepier when you're quiet," the blonde chuckled nervously. At this, Gaara had no choice but to smile.

It was at this moment in time when Sasuke chose to join the class.

The group of girls at the back became profoundly quiet. All their movements stopped. Their sudden lack of action inspired Kakashi to look briefly up from his book.

Naruto saw Sasuke and Kakashi exchange greetings before the teacher gestured in the direction of his assigned seat.

He slowly removed his backpack and let it hit the floor carelessly. He all but fell into his chair before he assumed his usual look of indifference. Naruto found himself staring. Sasuke looked _old_. His eyes were glazed over and his eyelids drooped ever so slightly. He even had a stray piece of hair sticking out in front of his nose. He still managed to look intimidating, though. He held an impossibly thick air of authority, even when he looked like he was about to drop dead from exhaustion.

Gaara nodded briefly and respectfully to him, and to Naruto's surprise, he nodded back.

"Oh look! There's a flock of seagulls across the street wearing tutus and dancing the lambada!"

Surprisingly, it was Neji who broke the silence.

Half of the class, including Naruto, spontaneously burst into laughter. The mood brightened instantly, and Sasuke looked like he was actually considering thanking Neji.

The bell rang again and Naruto was on the home stretch. The last class of the day was right around the corner. He bid Neji and Gaara goodbye and sped off to English class.

He was in smart English and was infinitely proud of himself for it. It was the one thing he was better than everyone else at. Well, besides cross dressing, but that didn't count.

He was only mildly surprised to see the quiet, straw-haired boy again. He popped up everywhere. He was a gopher! Maybe he'd call him Gopher-boy…

He took a seat near him, only to receive the aptly named 'you again?' stare. He felt awkward when he had no one to talk to, so he doodled on a scrap piece of paper.

Naruto found himself mildly surprised again when Sasuke marched into class looking better than he had in health class. He saw Sasuke also give him the 'you again?' stare.

"Sasuke," he heard the greeting of the stoic boy a few desks away from him. "Shikamaru," Sasuke bowed slightly to the boy and stole a spot to his left.

Naruto blinked. Freaks just made friends with other freaks, didn't they?

Neji must have had the same English teacher, for he described his teacher as a wimp.

Iruka Sensei was just that. Naruto knew his heart was made of silly putty. His eyes sparkled and he glided across the room like the Queen of England on roller-skates. He was always tapping his fingers and sending wary glances about the room when he was at his desk. He was enthusiastic, yet he sometimes acted like a sparrow under the gaze of the neighborhood housecat.

Naruto didn't see this as a bad thing. He liked the careful Iruka Sensei better than any of his other teachers, even Kakashi.

Iruka was one of his teachers in theatre camp. The brown-haired wonder always cooked him free ramen after practice. Naruto thought of him as the father he never had. Iruka acted like his counselor, but not in the cheesy-phony-shrink sort of way. He could talk to his teacher as if he'd known him his whole life.

Naruto loved it when Iruka tripped down the stairs. But he kept that to himself.

He had a feeling that he'd look forward to the end of the day even more now.

Sasuke and Shikamaru were not impressed. Naruto thought as much. Who cared what they thought! He liked Iruka. That was that.

When school finally ended, Naruto was waiting near the front doors for Gaara. He sat on a bench that was donated by an anonymous person and doodled in his notebook. He drew a fox. He wasn't quite sure why, but he drew it all the same. He tore the perforated paper, placed the picture over the cover of his book, withdrew a black permanent marker from his back pack and colored it in. He didn't want the marker to bleed through his paper.

He discontinued his drawing when he glimpsed Gaara trotting swiftly over to his spot on the bench.

"So," Gaara peered over his shoulder, "You want to walk home?"

Naruto stuffed his drawing supplies back in his back pack. "Actually, I wanted you to come to my uncle's house with me," he gave his friend the infamous Naruto puppy stare.

Gaara rolled his eyes, "Sure, but I'll have to call Yashamaru first."

Gaara flipped open his cellular phone and dialed his guardian's number.

"Yeah, Yashamaru? This is Gaara. Can I go with Naruto somewhere? No! The one with the porn mags in his office? No. Definitely not. We're going somewhere… else. Yes, I'm telling the truth! Why would I lie? Yes, I can get home by myself. Thanks. Bye."

Gaara hung up and Naruto shook his head.

"You're such a dirty liar."

"I know."

------

Chibi Gaara: Wow, that was… long.

Chibi Naruto: I have such a weird family…

Chibi Sasuke: And, in case no one's noticed, this school is a western school. Our lovely author lives in America, so she's going on what she knows.

Me: Thank you, Sasuke.

Chibi Sasuke: -rolls eyes-

Me: -picks up the little chibi Sasuke and squeezes him-

Chibi Sasuke: Choking! Not breathing! Choking! Not breathing!

Chibi Naruto: Put him down! -grabs onto Sasuke's left foot and pulls-

Chibi Sakura: No! MY SASUKE! -grabs his other foot and tugs-

Chibi Sasuke: -garbled gibberish-

Me: We're holding Sasuke hostage! If you ever want to see him again you'll review!

Chibi Gaara: Oh lord! Save poor Sasuke! Review, review, review!


	4. 4: Obsessions

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **I'm going to buy it! I am, you'll see!

Chibi Sakura: Face it. You're never going to have enough money.

Me: Yes I will! I'll buy it right now!

Chibi Sakura: How the hell are you going to buy one of the most successful manga/anime series of all time with a dollar and ten cents?

Me: …

Chibi Inner Sakura: ((Hahahahahaha! You'll never beat me, fool!))

Me: Alright! You got me! I suppose I'll just have to continue writing disclaimers forever… -sniff-

Chibi Gaara: -slaps Sakura upside the head with a frozen sea bass-

Chibi Sasuke: Whew… that was close…

Me: Yes, thanks to your reviews, Sasuke is saved!

Chibi Naruto: Yay!

Chibi Sakura: -maniacal laughter-

Chibi Sasuke: Maybe she should've strangled me and spared me the agony…

Me: No! Then I couldn't have fun with you and Naruto later!

Chibi Naruto: Cool! We can- wait… what do you mean 'fun?'

Me: eheheheheh…

Chibi Sasuke: Do you mean we're gonna do… STUFF?

Chibi Naruto: Eep!

Me: Oh, don't be such babies. I KNOW you'll like it… And plus, if anyone is wondering why Naruto is such a girl, I have reasons. Number one: He's had more feminine influence in his life than most guys. Number two: he can't act like a guy because he'll blow his secret and God knows what will happen. Number three: He's the most immature sonofabitch the world has ever known.

Chibi Gaara: Aaaanywaaay….. Welcome to JLH 4! Enjoy!

**J L H 4**

_Sasuke was alone, that much he understood._

_But something wasn't right. Something was terribly out of place. Sasuke wasn't sure what it was, and that scared him._

_He was in his room. The navy colored curtains were drawn, his bed was neatly made, and all his lights were out._

_There was one light, however. It was a dim, yellowish light which bled out from beneath his door. This struck Sasuke as strange, so he crept closer._

_The nearer the door he got, the more it became apparent that there was a most unusual sound emanating from behind the door._

_Curiosity took hold of him and he twisted the doorknob. The door creaked open and a black-haired head peeked out._

_The hallway was empty. The light he had seen under his door was the glow of the living room light bouncing off the walls of the normally dim corridor._

_He put a hand to his ear. The unearthly wailing sound was more prominent now. Maybe some of his relatives were still here. His family reunions were always long, and everyone always came. He went to bed when his brother told him it was getting late. Come to think of it, maybe his brother was awake. He had a violin, and that's what the strange sound seemed like._

_He pushed open Itachi's door, expecting to see his brother on his bed, playing his violin. The room was cold and empty, much to his surprise. Maybe his brother was in the living room._

_Sasuke padded over to the archway which led to the aforementioned room. He was disappointed again to find it empty, save for a few nondescript lumps on the carpet. Odd, those weren't there before he went to bed, were they? He tip-toed closer, then felt something break under his bare feet. He stepped back to see what it was._

_On the floor in front of him was a puddle of spilt wine and the wine glass he stepped on. He bent down and fingered the pieces. Someone must've just been careless and left it there. Probably Obito. He always was messy._

_Sasuke walked over to one of the lumps of fabric and poked it with his big toe. It was soft, and it rolled when he kicked it. He kicked it some more until it flipped over. Sasuke gasped and jumped back. Then he took a second glance and knelt on the floor._

_His aunt was sleeping on the floor. The raven-haired boy's eyes sparkled. Maybe she got drunk and his dad didn't want to pick her up off the carpet. He decided to wake her up._

"_Auntie? Auntie, wake up!" he shook her playfully and waited for her to get up and yell at him. He was puzzled when she didn't. "Hello?" he poked her again, "Auntie, you shouldn't drink so much. Wake up!" He became worried when she still didn't budge. He shook her violently, then waited. When she didn't move, tears started running down his face._

"_Auntie?" he whispered in her ear, "Are you dead?"_

_When she didn't answer him, he cautiously lifted up her right eyelid. Her eyes were like glass._

_Sasuke backed away slowly at first, then tripped over another one of the lumps of fabric. He staggered away when he saw the blade of his mom's bread knife buried to the hilt in the shirt of one of his cousins._

_He ran through the house, shouting his mother's name. Every room he searched in was littered with puddles of wine, something red and sticky, and more heaps of dead relatives._

_In the kitchen, he saw one of his relatives with which he was most familiar. Lying on the cold, off-white tile floor was his uncle Obito._

_And his head was missing._

"_Momma, Momma, where are you?"_

_As he neared the double doors to his balcony his cries became more high pitched. The blood on the floor was becoming thicker and he was being suffocated by the smell._

_He raced through the double doors with his heart racing. He called to his mother frantically. He was running around the corner when his heart stopped. On the cold floor lay the broken, bloody, mangled bodies of his mother and father._

_He screeched both their names as he knelt by them, crying a river of tears. He buried his face in his mother's shirt, sobbing and hiccupping as he cuddled into her. _

_The sound of the violin filled his ears, drowning out his cries of anguish. The noise sprang up from everywhere, it seemed._

"_Why are you crying, Sasuke?" a melodious voice cooed._

_Alarmed, Sasuke looked up with eyes as wide as saucers._

_In the doorway stood the silhouette of his older brother. The boy watched in horror as Itachi hid a shimmering kitchen knife beneath his sleeve. Itachi stepped forward and Sasuke scrambled back._

"_What's wrong, Sasuke?" the boy heard him say, "I thought we were buddies."_

_The wind blew Itachi's long hair in wisps across his face. Sasuke could see through his older brother's mess of hair. Sasuke knew he was smiling._

_He kept creeping forward until he had Sasuke huddled fretfully in a corner. The boy shook with cold and fear as his brother grinned like a madman. _

"_Stop it!" he cried, "Itachi, it's not funny! It's not funny!" Tears fell down his face like twin waterfalls. When Itachi persisted, he tucked his head into his chest and covered it with his arms. _

_He screamed when he felt Itachi's cold, bloody hands wrap around his slender neck. His screams turned into choked sobs as his brother slowly squeezed his throat._

_The boy's hands flew to Itachi's as he tried vainly to pry them off. He struggled and flailed like a fish caught in a net. He felt Itachi lifting him off the ground and soon his legs were kicking blindly at his assailant._

_He tore at Itachi's skin with his nails when he felt himself being hoisted over the railing of the balcony._

_When he felt nothing but the sensation of crisp wind racing around his ears and his brother's hands choking his neck, Sasuke went instantly limp._

_Itachi had him by the throat twelve floors above a busy street. Sasuke didn't even dare to scream for fear that his brother might drop him. His body shook lightly with sobs as he held a death grip on his brother's arms._

_Itachi was whispering something to him in a soft voice, but Sasuke was too terrified to hear. That and he was in danger of blacking out from asphyxiation._

_For a long time Sasuke was left with nothing but the wind biting at his toes and the suffocating grip on his neck. Suddenly, his brother's hold on his neck loosened. He panicked, screaming and squeezing his brother's arms so tightly, that if he were older, he would've broken Itachi's wrists._

_He felt himself being pulled back over the railing before being dropped on the cold tile. He choked and gasped for air, clutching his bruised neck and curling into a fetal ball._

_Before his oxygen-deprived brain could register what was going on, Itachi had taken him up in his arms and was murmuring softly in his ear. Sasuke groped for his brother and held fast to the lapels of his jacket._

_He sobbed and coughed in his brother's embrace. Itachi stroked his hair soothingly as his younger sibling clung to him for dear life. _

_Sasuke was cold, scared, and light-headed. He didn't care that the person he held onto was the same that had tried to drop him off a balcony moments before._

"_I don't wanna' die! I don't wanna' die!" He wailed and cried into Itachi's warm chest. He was far too terrified to be confused. He only knew that there was something warm and sweet-smelling for him to hold onto._

"_Shhh…" Itachi soothed, "I'd never kill you, Sasuke. You know that, don't you?"_

_Sasuke wasn't sure of anything anymore. He cuddled further into Itachi's jacket. He was just beginning to feel secure when he felt the bite of cold, sharp metal against his bruised neck._

_Puzzled, he gazed back up at his brother._

"_I'd never kill you, Sasuke,"_

_Sasuke's eyes widened._

"_You're not worth killing."_

_------_

A scream was heard, followed by a thump, which was then followed by a muttered curse in the penthouse of Uchiha Sasuke.

The furious raven-haired boy padded to and from his kitchen with a bag of ice on his head.

He was on the nod again. Damn heroine. This was the second time he'd woken up, and it was only one-o-clock.

He didn't overdose, like he did last night, so he woke up frequently. Last night he woke up once, and he had enough brains to get up into his bed.

Tonight, however, he woke up on the floor the first time and curled up against the couch. He awoke so violently the second time that he bumped his head on the damn thing.

Sasuke was hunched over tiredly on the offending plush leather couch. He held the home-made ice pack on his head and rubbed his temples.

He wondered irritably how large a bump was left on his head. His hair was scraggly and he felt like death.

He wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon.

Therefore, Sasuke opted to make himself some breakfast. He staggered over to his kitchen and searched his freezer for a box of cheap noodles. He popped the week-old takeout in the microwave and flung himself on the couch again.

There, he stared off into space with glazed, dark eyes. Why did everything happen to him? And that Naruto thought she had problems…

He wrinkled his nose.

Blood.

The whole room reeked of it.

He was well aware that he couldn't get rid of the smell with a thousand gallons of carpet cleaner. The smell was in his head. According to his counselor, everything was in his head.

He removed himself from the couch and walked in the direction of his balcony. He unlocked the double doors and flung them both open. The tiles were cold against his feet, as they always were, but he was used to it.

He could barely hear the hum of the microwave anymore. His kitchen seemed so far away.

Sasuke casually leaned against the newly painted rim of his balcony. Small gusts of wind toyed with his hair as he gazed distantly at the road below. Spencer Street was lively as always. Cars came and left in a blink and the neon lights in the windows of cafes flickered dimly.

The dark-eyed boy was lost in his thoughts. The distance from his balcony to the street seemed so much smaller. He averted his eyes to the place he once knelt, crying over his mother and father. The tiles were different. They were blue, like his curtains.

Everything in his house was different. Orochimaru, his self-claimed 'guardian,' had seen to it that every trace of Itachi's existence had been erased.

Orochimaru was one of Sasuke's father's business partners. It was well known that he sapped money from the Uchiha family as well as from the rest of the city. In Sasuke's opinion, he was slime. He wanted nothing to do with him. Orochimaru insisted, however, that Sasuke needed 'protection' from the outside world. Sasuke knew he was just after his money.

Orochimaru was a vampire.

A creepy, money-sucking vampire.

Or maybe he was a leech. Yes, that sounded worse.

Orochimaru was one, big-ass, money-sucking leech, and Sasuke hated him for it.

A high pitched beeping roused Sasuke from his musings. His breakfast was ready. He rolled his eyes and heaved himself off of the railing.

He slurped up the cheap rice noodles greedily. In less than five minutes, the noodles had disappeared. Sasuke had a magical way of making things disappear when he was hungry.

The blood smell was gone, so Sasuke sat in his living room, staring at an interesting blotch of… nothing… on the wall.

Sasuke ran his fingers over the left side of his neck. He felt something puffy winding its way down to his collarbone. For a second he could feel the bite of the kitchen knife on his skin, but in a flash the moment was gone.

He was still staring at the same blotch of nothing when his phone rang. He knew it was Orochimaru, so he opted to leave it unanswered.

"You've reached the house of Uchiha Sasuke," his answering machine droned, "Either I don't know you, I hate you, I'm gone, I'm dead, or I'm just too damn lazy to answer the phone. I'd prefer that you don't leave me a message, but if you have to, leave it after the fucking beep."

The machine beeped.

"Sasuke, pick up the phone," Yes, Orochimaru. How could he have guessed? "Sasuke, you can't fool me. I saw you standing outside a moment ago. Pick up the goddamn phone."

Sasuke cringed. The leech was everywhere.

"I can see you right now. Answer the phone."

Sure enough, Orochimaru was tapping his foot against the fire escape of the apartment building beside his with a smug smirk on his face. Sasuke glared at the man. He was really starting to get on his nerves.

Sasuke stomped over to the panoramic windows of his living room and glowered down at his guardian. He took a handful of curtain in one hand, and in the other was the cord to his phone.

"Sasuke? Sas- oooooh no. Don't you dare! I have the keys to your room. I can come up there. Boy? Are you listening?"

No, indeed Sasuke was not listening. He yanked the curtains closed and tugged the plug of his phone out of the outlet. He then strolled over to his door and bolted it from the inside.

Sasuke then wandered back over to his couch and flopped onto its leather cushions. He was feeling tired again, but he wasn't about to fall asleep with Orochimaru slinking about. The man gave him the creeps.

Sasuke grinned. Orochimaru would have to break down his door to get in. He felt powerful.

Eight minutes later, he heard quiet footsteps outside his door. He heard someone sorting through his keys and Sasuke immediately knew it was his guardian. The clinking of a key in a lock reached his ears, then his door surged open only to bounce right back and shut in Orochimaru's face. Sasuke laughed into his arm. He was God.

The man attempted to force the door open, but it was held fast by the chain Sasuke had locked it with. He heard the man curse and a pale hand snaked its way through the slit between the partially-opened door and the wall. Sasuke watched as the hand fumbled with the chain, trying to break it loose.

On a whim, Sasuke waltzed over to the door and kicked it hard. The hand in the door curled up like a dead spider and withdrew.

"Sasuke! Open the door, now!"

Sasuke peered through the slit at the fuming Orochimaru. "Can I help you?" he asked in a mockingly businesslike manner.

"I demand that you let me in, Sasuke." He said in an equally cold tone.

"Look, whatever it is you're selling, I don't want any," he closed his door again.

He could tell that the guardian was furious. He heard him pacing outside the door. Sasuke sat back and enjoyed his pain.

"Look, Sasuke, can we talk?" Sasuke rolled his eyes. He was using his psychiatrist voice. Sasuke hated the psychiatrist voice.

"The civilians one floor down say they've been hearing some strange things coming from your room."

Sasuke didn't care.

"They say they hear thumps and crashes and screams. Are you doing something up here I should know about?"

"No. Go away."

"Sasuke, are you on smack?"

"No. Now leave."

"That's just not doing it for me, boy. Tell me what's going on."

"I'm not listening."

"You're older than that, boy!"

Silence.

"Sasuke!"

Not a word.

Orochimaru cursed, hissed, and stomped off. Sasuke was deeply satisfied. Now he could resume his life of quiet desperation.

------

Naruto kicked the rack underneath the desk in front of him in Geometry. He was bored, and the dreariness of his classroom wasn't helping. Zabuza sat in his corner, conniving some sort of evil scheme, Naruto was sure.

The evil teacher had assigned more homework than Naruto cared to do. He got half of his first paper done in class, but he didn't feel like working any longer.

Normally, on the second day of high school, one had little work or none at all. Anko didn't give him any homework, and he assumed no one else would either.

This was ridiculous.

The girl who came late yesterday was relentlessly scribbling answers out on a paper. Naruto learned that morning that her name was Haku… or _his_ name, as he had recently been informed when he asked why he didn't hang out with other girls. Naruto felt embarrassed in a way, but also warm and fuzzy in another.

There was another cross-dresser for him to talk to!

Joy!

Haku was so intent on his work that Naruto began to feel sorry for the pencil and paper. With the friction he was creating between the two things, he half expected to see one or the other catch fire.

Then the school would burn down and he would escape the Konoha Funny Farm. But then the fire could spread across the city and Gaara's house would burn down. Gaara would be pissed, and would probably blame it on Sasuke. Sasuke would get mad, then the mafia would kill Gaara. After that, his ghost would haunt Naruto until he died. Naruto didn't want Gaara to die, nor did he want to be haunted by his ghost. He willed the paper not to catch fire.

The bell rang and everyone rushed to the door. Naruto hung back with Haku. Haku seemed like a nice guy, so he helped him pack his stuff away. Haku bowed to Zabuza, who said nothing, and walked out of the room with Naruto.

"So," Naruto began when they were a safe distance from the Geometry class and the demon dwelling therein, "what's so great about that browless wonder?"

The quiet, long-haired boy looked surprised, and then blushed, "Master Zabuza is a good person." He said no more on the matter. Naruto raised his eyebrows, but didn't push the matter.

"How come he throws markers at people?" the blonde piped up curiously. Haku gave him a questioning look. "Well, he just has a short temper. That's all."

"Really? Well, I've got to go to Science class. See ya later!" Naruto skipped leisurely down the hall.

When he reached his next class, he nearly cart-wheeled into the room. Neji was lounging at his desk. The little blonde boy leapt for joy and landed artlessly in the chair next to him.

Neji glowered up to see who caused the disturbance, but was met with a contagious smile.

"Hi Neji!" Naruto piped up, "How are you?"

Neji grinned. When the bubbly girl smiled, her face disappeared.

"Peachy, and how are you?" he asked in the most luxurious voice he could muster. "Great!" Naruto continued to bubble over with excitement. Neji shook his head. This girl was completely oblivious to the innuendo in his voice. Maybe she was another one of those dumb blonde types.

"Oooh! I can't wait to see Gaara at lunch today! We had so much fun at my Uncle's house last night!"

Neji's face faltered. Did he just hear what he thought he heard? No. It was just his sick mind. Just your perverted mind taking over, Neji. She's too cute and innocent to do something like that.

Neji's composure returned as the cute little blonde chatted his ear off. He wondered how he could stand it. He had to stand it. If he didn't, that creep, Uchiha, would take Naruto away from him in a flash. He would lose, and the Hyuga family did not lose.

Kusakabi went over what they were going to discuss this year. Geology, Astronomy, Hydrology, Oceanography… the list was endless.

Naruto fell asleep once again. The teacher talked a lot.

When the bell rang he sprang up from his chair like a daisy. Neji watched in shock as the blonde returned to her perky self.

Gods, she was like a hamster on crack!

Naruto sauntered down to the front door of Konoha with Neji in tow. There was a cafe two blocks down. It sold ramen. Naruto could smell it. He dragged Neji all the way to the little stand. Lo and behold, it sold ramen.

Neji asked him how he knew about the place. He just pointed at his nose and beamed. Neji was impressed, Naruto could tell.

They both ordered and sat on the curb, eating their ramen. Neji twirled the noodles around his chopsticks before eating them, while Naruto shoveled them into his mouth and slurped them up like a mad dog. Naruto lived for ramen. He didn't know what he'd do if he didn't have the food.

He'd die, yes. He'd shrivel up and die like a leaf in January. Thank the Gods for ramen! He wrote a poem called 'Ode to Ramen,' but when he read it to Gaara he just curled into a ball and laughed until he ached.

Come to think of it, he ditched Gaara. He was too absorbed with Neji. Gaara would be pissed.

"Don't need to worry about me. I knew you'd be here."

Naruto looked up. There was the red head, reading his mind like there was nothing to it. Gaara dropped to the pavement and sat with his legs crossed.

"How'd you know about this place?" Naruto inquired with his mouth full of noodles. Gaara rolled his eyes, "I saw this place when my brother dropped me off at school this morning. Being the fanatic you were, I… well, you're just too predictable."

"Ah," Naruto shoved more noodles in his mouth.

"You really should be more ladylike, you know," Gaara emphasized 'ladylike.'

Naruto stopped slurping his ramen and took careful bites of the stuff. Gaara smirked. Being manipulative was fun.

"We should be getting back to school now," Neji stated while dusting himself off and tossing the used Styrofoam ramen cup in the trash.

"Right!" Naruto popped up and followed Neji back to school. Gaara was left behind again. Oh well. Naruto was having fun, and Gaara knew how one-tracked his mind could be when he was having fun. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his trench coat and strolled after him.

----

Sasuke loafed around in his chair. Art class was such a boring class. Shikamaru was sleeping as usual with his head buried in his arms. Sasuke didn't feel the need to wake him, so he let him be.

The little piece of hair that until yesterday had submitted to his will was still teasing him. It draped right over his nose. He decided to use the hair's rebellion to his advantage. He blew the piece of hair out of his face, then let it drift back when he took another breath. He blew on it repeatedly and watched as it slowly swayed away and back.

It was about the thirty-eighth time he watched the wisp of hair come back to his nose when Naruto, the zombie, and the man-whore sailed into class. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Naruto plop into a chair at another table, bringing Neji down with her. He noticed Gaara rolling his eyes and saying something about the effects of gravity, magnetism, and static before he took a spot across from the love-birds.

Naruto was gazing at Neji with doe eyes.

Sasuke blinked.

He felt the urge to throw up. Love was disgusting.

Class went by quickly, luckily. Shikamaru was inspired to wake up when Perry Sensei poked him on the head with a steel ruler, Sasuke worked on his first art project, which was whatever he wanted to draw, and Naruto took the time to profess her love to Neji in numerous ways.

Sasuke would never admit it, but he was jealous. Not in a wistful way, and not in a heartache sort of way. Full-blown angry, ravenous, itchy jealousy.

He hid it well though. He kept the same mask of impassiveness around Naruto as he did around every other girl.

When he left class, he took one last glance at the blonde-haired girl and slunk away.

----

Naruto traveled to gym class with his bag slung over his shoulder. Neji proposed he take a short trip to his locker. He told Naruto to head off without him.

Gaara strolled beside him in his black trench coat. Naruto imagined that he was his bodyguard. The blonde boy felt famous.

Gaara noticed the weird looks his friend was casting his way. "What?" he asked irritably after a while. Naruto smiled innocently, "You look just like one of those CIA people with their long coats and dark eyes. You're scaring everyone, and it makes me feel powerful."

Gaara was confused, "How does me scaring people make you feel any better?"

Naruto shrugged, "I have no idea. But it sorta' feels like you're my bodyguard."

Gaara cast his friend a 'whatever you say' look and continued to walk behind him at a slow pace.

When they arrived at the locker rooms, they went their separate ways. Naruto peeked into the girls' locker room.

No one was there. Good.

He got changed lightning fast and soon enough, girls started pouring in.

He struggled not to bring memories from the depths of his uncle's office to light.

Bad thoughts, Naruto.

You wouldn't like to see a naked girl anyway.

When Naruto entered the gym, he instantly pounced on top of Neji. He was feeling more than a little bouncy in Neji's absence. Once again, Gaara was there to explain the effects of gravity, magnetism, and static.

Static and magnetism, Naruto supposed, because of the way he clung to Neji whenever he was in sight.

Gravity because every time the effects of 'static' and 'magnetism' manifested themselves, the two of them ended up being knocked to the floor.

Naruto never knew his friend was so scientific.

Kakashi Sensei marched onto the gym floor with a clipboard in his hand. "Alright, Naruto, you can stop groping Neji now."

Naruto huffed and shook his fist at the gym teacher, who looked quite satisfied with himself, before distancing himself from Neji.

Gaara heard Sasuke sigh his approval. He lifted an eyebrow at the raven-haired boy. Sasuke glowered back at him as if his authority had been challenged.

"Sorry to interrupt your little love-stare…"

Leave it to Kakashi to ruin the moment.

"…but I have a class to teach and you have a game to play. Dodge ball. And if you gaze into each other's eyes like that, you're liable to get pegged."

Naruto giggled and Neji sneered.

Gaara wandered leisurely over to Naruto's side, where he listened to a pointless talk about how funny his face looked.

"Alright, I'll split you into teams. You know the rules, right? You've played dodge ball before, right? If you haven't, then you're a pansy and you have a ferret up your ass.

"Now, I don't want to hear anyone snicker or make any snide comments about being hit in the face with a bunch of big balls. Yes, these things you're throwing at each other are balls. So get your minds out of the gutter and play the game."

Naruto squeaked. Maybe Kakashi was on sugar high yesterday morning. He seemed a lot more serious now.

"We'll be playing against the other gym team in a few weeks, so get good or I'll have to shoot you."

Kakashi set the field up and sorted the class into two teams. Naruto, Gaara, and Sasuke were all on one team, leaving Neji, Sakura and Ino on the other. They lined up on opposite walls. Gaara noticed with amusement that Sasuke and Neji were glaring so hard at each other, that he swore there were laser-beams coming out of their eyes.

He snickered at the thought.

A whistle was heard, and the two teams sprang into action. Ino and Sakura sat in the back of the gym and let the rest of the team do the work for them, Neji and Sasuke were throwing things at each other like madmen, Gaara was launching the foam objects at speeds which could decapitate someone if they hit them in the head, and Naruto was scrambling about with most of the girls at the back of his side, tossing stray balls to Gaara and the rest of his team.

Once in a while, Naruto would hurl a ball at a member of the opposite team. He had bad aim, but they say even a man with the worst aim can hit if he shoots enough.

He whooped triumphantly when he hit the unsuspecting Sakura right in the back. The cherry-haired girl glared at him, then at Kakashi, who was too absorbed in his book to notice. Grinning wickedly, she picked up a nearby ball and aimed at Naruto.

"Sakura, I know how much you like balls, but put the thing down and sit out. Hit Naruto with it and I'll write you up."

Sakura dropped the ball and blinked. Kakashi's nose was still buried in his precious book.

She glowered and took a spot on the sidelines. "I thought you told us not to make snide remarks about balls, Kakashi Sensei," she sneered.

Kakashi shut his book with a snap. He was not amused.

"Sakura,"

"What?"

"Shut up."

Back on the field, Naruto twiddled his thumbs. He walked over to the sidelines, for he had just been bombarded with bouncy things and was now out. Gaara was still pounding the opposite team. When they were hit, they curled up like dying bugs and made painful noises as they twitched.

Soon, there were only three people still at it. Gaara, Sasuke, and Neji were bombarding each other with balls.

Sasuke was sweating, and so was Neji. Gaara wasn't too worried about getting hit. Sasuke and Neji were too absorbed in their own game.

A stray ball sailed in his direction, but Gaara had no intention of moving. He let the ball hit his chest with a thump, then he strolled off the court. Naruto's jaw was on the floor, "Why did you do that? You could've lost us the game!" Gaara shrugged, "This fight is between Neji and Sasuke. I am of no importance in their struggle."

"Fight? What would they be fighting about?" Naruto was in hysterics.

Gaara gave him an indifferent glance, "You really have no idea, do you?"

Naruto was genuinely confused, "No idea about what?"

The red head glanced at him again before shaking his head and laughing.

Naruto whined, "What? What? WHAAAT?"

----

Sasuke smirked. He was winning. He saw the sweat drip off of Neji's chin as he dodged another ball.

Damn, the rat was tricky. No matter how tired he was, he was determined to prolong his own defeat. He was putting up a good fight though, Sasuke gave him that.

But it wasn't good enough. He saw the way Neji stumbled to scoop up another ball. Sasuke dodged it easily.

Neji was mad, he could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't going to give up anytime soon. His pale eyes were filled with fire. Sasuke knew that if he lost, which he would, he could lose Naruto as well.

Sasuke knew Neji's reasons for tolerating Naruto's behavior. Naruto was the only thing he could not let Sasuke have. The girl was the only thing Sasuke didn't have. He supposed it was the nature of men that always caused them to want what they couldn't have.

But he would have Naruto. There was something he saw in her that he didn't see in the other girls. They swooned over him and obeyed his every whim like mindless drones. Yesterday, Naruto angered him. She was an annoying, disrespectful, immature, and selfish brat. He hated her, and yet he was obsessed with her.

Today, he wanted to hate her so badly, but found himself unable to do so. In a flash, he was addicted to her.

He would crush Neji. Naruto was a girl, so she'd naturally be drawn to the winner of this game. He smirked. Women were so predictable.

The last survivor of the Uchiha family would not lose to such a low-life. Sasuke always got what he wanted, and he was determined to keep it that way.

----

Naruto looked on silently. They were _killing _each other! Both Sasuke and Neji looked like cats with rabies fighting over a scrap of meat. Their eyes were both wild and Sasuke had an insane grin plastered on his face. He wondered why Kakashi hadn't stopped the game.

He glanced over at the teacher, expecting him to be engrossed in his book as usual. But Kakashi was engrossed in something entirely different. He was sitting calmly on the floor with his head resting on his chin. His eye was following both Sasuke and Neji as they danced across the floor.

Naruto was surprised. His teacher's demeanor seemed to change with each passing moment. Perhaps the reason he was so bubbly and nice yesterday was because he wanted to make Naruto happy.

And maybe to mentally scar Sasuke and Sakura for the rest of their lives.

And maybe he was just bipolar or something.

Something told Naruto that everything he said or did was on a whim. Kakashi didn't seem to care too much about life. Life was there and that was that.

A cheer rose up from the female population and Naruto glanced about, wondering what they were all cheering for. "What's going on now, Gaara?" he whined. Gaara leaned back against the wall, "Sasuke just beat Neji."

Naruto's head snapped back to survey the scene. Sure enough, Sasuke was prancing around the gym floor while Neji was dragging himself over to the sidelines like a lame horse.

"Neji!" Naruto raced over to his physically and mentally fatigued companion. Neji glanced at him and turned away. "That bastard! How did he beat you?"

Neji scoffed, "Because he's better than I am."

Naruto was furious, "But he's such a jerk and you're so nice! You're good and he's evil!" he shook his fists in the air, "Good is supposed to beat evil! That's the way things work! Aaaargh!" Gaara watched as Naruto stomped around on the floor, waving his fists in the air.

Gaara walked over to Sasuke with an indifferent look on his face. When he had Sasuke's attention, he smirked wickedly. "You'll have to try harder than that," he jeered. Sasuke raised an eyebrow and scowled.

"Naruto's skull is thicker than it looks."

With that, Gaara strolled right back to Naruto as if the conversation never happened.

----

Sasuke's eye twitched.

His plan wasn't working.

Weren't women irresistibly drawn to power? Weren't they?

'A minor setback,' he told himself repeatedly. He would just have to work a bit harder to reach his goal. If Naruto wanted to be difficult, then let her be difficult.

Sasuke's previous enthusiasm had evaporated and his arms were starting to itch. Thank God school was almost over.

----

"Great game! Sadly, though, it lasted all period. You should all thank Sasuke and Neji for taking their precious time and wasting the entire class. 'C's for Sasuke and Neji! And as for the rest of you, you all get 'B's for trying, with the exception of the ladies watching the game. They fail!"

Ino snarled at Kakashi.

"Life is not a spectator sport, ladies and gentlemen. Neither is life a game to be played by you and you alone. Life requires teamwork. You can't get through life thinking only of your own problems. And if you watch life fly by, you'll end up failing like these two losers here."

Sakura gritted her teeth. Naruto could tell she was going to let go of her inner personality at any moment. She pointed a finger at Kakashi and her eyes burned, "You can't fail me! My aunt is the principal of this school!"

"You can't live by relying on the influence of people you know," Kakashi stated calmly.

"So, you're a philosopher all of the sudden?" Sakura breathed fire at the silver-haired teacher.

Kakashi crossed his arms, warning indifferently, "Sakura, I keep a roll of duct tape in the top drawer of my desk. If you keep talking, you'll find out why." He smiled serenely to himself, then dismissed the class.

Naruto timidly walked up to Kakashi as the gym class left. "Ummm…" he scratched his head.

Kakashi turned around and quirked an eyebrow. Naruto blushed and retreated, "Never mind!"

Kakashi grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled him back. "Hold on, hold on. You had something to say, so get over here and say it." He let go of Naruto's shirt and he blinked up at the strange gym teacher.

"Uh," he tapped his fingers together, "You were just a lot happier yesterday. Is this how you usually are?"

Kakashi considered the question. "You know that Obito guy I talked about yesterday?"

Naruto nodded, "Sasuke's uncle, right?"

"Yes," Kakashi seemed like he was deep in thought, "Iruka told me about you when he found out you were in my class. He said you were a space cadet, a ditz, a loudmouth, and a complete nut. You sounded an awful lot like my old friend. He was an eccentric personality, and he got a kick out of it when I acted weird like him. He liked comedy, so I decided to try it on you. It did brighten up your day, didn't it?"

Naruto nodded, "Yeah it- wait." He paused, "How do you know Iruka?"

"You know," Kakashi dodged the question, "You should really be going now. You'll be late."

"How?" Naruto persisted, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently.

"I could go for a nice sushi right about now…"

"STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!"

Kakashi wasn't listening. "Maybe you can ask Iruka," he yelled over his shoulder, "when you get to his class!"

----

Sasuke fumed. He got an average grade in gym class. Sasuke was not average. He played a great game, didn't he? He beat Neji, didn't he?

However hard he tried, nothing was going his way. He had an average grade in gym class, and Naruto still thought he was a jerk.

Maybe Sasuke was a jerk, but he wasn't about to be 'mister nice guy.' He was a badass, scary, rich, powerful, and hormonally challenged teen. He wouldn't let his emotions push him around.

He kept telling himself this only to realize that he was once again feeling like a pile of shit. He knew it wasn't his fault. He sat in English class, scratching at his arms momentarily and feeling generally depressed.

Damn heroine! He was still in school and he was already having withdrawals!

Perfect. He flopped down onto his desk and sighed into his arms.

Life was a bitch.

A minute or so later, Naruto marched into class. Sasuke rolled his eyes. She was as chipper as a chipmunk and as squirrelly as a squirrel. He felt like bashing his head on his desk, but he didn't. He didn't want to ruin his image.

Naruto slipped into the desk in front of him and sketched on her arm. Sasuke peered over her shoulder.

It was a fox.

She was scribbling an angry-looking red fox on her arm. How droll. He watched over her shoulder for a period of time, then Iruka spoiled the moment by announcing that the class had to do a book report on the book of their choice. Sasuke grumbled. He hated book reports. Come to think of it, he hated a lot of things.

When school was out, he noticed Naruto hanging around near Iruka's desk, pestering him about something. Sasuke wondered what it could be about. Whenever Naruto said something, the scar-faced teacher would turn beat red.

He would eavesdrop on their conversation. He walked out of the classroom, looking like he had the intention of leaving, but stopped just outside the door.

"Come on! Tell me!" Naruto's voice squeaked.

"Naruto! Go mind your own business!" Iruka hissed. Sasuke could tell his face was redder than a tomato.

"You're blushing, Iruka Sensei! If you don't tell me, I'll go around the school telling everybody about the time you-"

"Alright! Alright! I'll tell! Just… don't say anything!"

Wow. So Naruto could be a manipulative little bitch too? All this time he thought Naruto was different from other girls…

"Hahah! I win again! So, what's up with Kakashi and you, hm?"

Iruka sighed, "Well, I… You see, we went to high school together and…" Iruka paused, "Um… we see each other a lot at teachers' meetings and stuff like that… well, he might not see me, but I see him, so…"

"Go on," Naruto was using her sickeningly sweet voice.

"Uhh… we talked a few times and I told him about you and how nice you were, so… well, it was fun to talk to him so I got a little carried away… I'm surprised he even listened. No one listens to me. I'm not important enough I guess…"

"You're such a baby sometimes."

"Uh, sorry!"

"Don't get yourself all worked up about it, I'm sure people listen to you."

"No they don't!"

"Iruka, calm do-"

"I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON KAKASHI!"

Silence.

Sasuke's face screwed up. Iruka was GAY? All the teachers in this goddamn school were mad! Crazy! Why on earth would a dude like another dude? Sasuke would most certainly never like another guy.

"Ohmigawd! You're in love with Kakashi!"

"I am not!"

"So, Iruka, how do you like Kakashi?"

Iruka was silent for a moment. "Eh, what do you mean?"

"Like 'little puppy crush' like, or 'hot, kinky sex' like?"

"NARUTO!"

Naruto burst into a fit of laughter. Sasuke was still dumbstruck.

Why? Why was he enrolled in a school full of crazy people?

Sasuke left. He didn't need to hear any more of it. He didn't _want_ to hear any more of it. Besides, his arms were shaking like crazy, and they felt like they were made of lead.

His home wasn't very far away, but he wouldn't waste all his energy walking. He traveled to the front of the school, where he waved down a taxi.

After paying the stubborn driver, who recognized him and upped his price a bit before receiving a glare, the likes of which he had never seen, Sasuke took the elevator up to the eleventh floor. The elevator was relatively speedy, but Sasuke was anxious. His arms and legs felt so heavy, he thought he might have been glued where he stood. When he reached the eleventh floor, he stumbled with style onto the staircase which led to his penthouse.

He fumbled with his keys, but stiffened when he heard something coming from inside his apartment. He heard the distant humming of a certain man he did not want to meet at this hour.

How the hell did Orochimaru get into his goddamn house? Oh yes, he had a key. Smart, Sasuke. Now that's finesse.

This was bad.

This was worse than bad.

This was falling-down-the-stairs-in-front-of-the-seniors-bad.

Sasuke checked to see if his sleeves were pulled over his wrists. They were. He glanced in a window to see how his reflection looked. He hissed when he noticed he was paler than usual, his hair was a mess, and his forehead was glistening with a thin film of sweat. He scrubbed his forehead with his sleeve, then straightened his hair.

He fumbled with his keys again and unlocked the door. The humming stopped.

Oh Jesus.

Bad.

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad!

Something was going to happen. What if he found the heroine? What if he found all the porno magazines he had stashed under his mattress? What if he found his second freezer? The one with all the alcoholic beverages in it? What if, what if, what if?

He wiped the sweat off of his face again and pushed the door open.

Act normal. Just pretend nothing's wrong. Nothing is wrong…

"Good afternoon, Sasuke. You're home late."

Holy Jesus. He was using _the voice._ The voice! The evil, sultry, seductive, silky satin voice! Sasuke never should've come home. He should have stayed at school and hung himself by the flagpole. He should've launched a spit wad at Zabuza. Then he would be in the hospital in critical condition. Anywhere but home was fine with him.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?" Sasuke deadpanned.

"Don't be that way. You know you're glad to see me." Orochimaru purred.

Sasuke's eye twitched. "I want you to leave. If you don't leave, I will. And when I leave, I'll throw myself in front of a car. But I won't die. If I died, you'd get all my money, and that's just what you want."

Orochimaru purred seductively, "Why take your money when I could take you?"

"That," Sasuke's composure was leaving him, "is sexual harassment. I'm not going to take that. Get out! My house is my temple!"

"Don't be coy." He sifted through the fridge like he'd lived there all his life.

"Stop it! Besides, you're old! I don't dig old people, let alone oldmen!Now get!"

"I am not old!" Orochimaru withdrew a can of pop from the refrigerator.

"You are too! You could be as old as my father for all I know!" Sasuke's patience was melting like an ice cube on the pavement in August. His mask of self control cracked and his arms shook like crazy.

Orochimaru looked him up and down, "You cold or something, boy?"

Sasuke pointed a finger accusingly at him. "NO!" he growled, "I'm not cold, I'm angry. Very, VERY angry! I want you to get out of my house! Now go before I call someone!"

Orochimaru sipped his cola, "No one will believe you, boy. I made sure of it."

"What do you mean?"

"The legal system in this city is easily manipulated…"

"Bastard!" Sasuke lost it. He jumped at Orochimaru and latched onto his arm with his teeth.

"You little brat!" Orochimaru lost his balance as Sasuke tore away at his skin.

Sasuke was furious. His eyes twitched, his arms itched, and his blood was boiling. Sasuke was panicking. He lost his mind when he panicked. He bit down as hard as he could until he tasted Orochimaru's hot, foul-tasting blood seeping down his arm.

The older man hissed at him and flung him against the wall. The back of Sasuke's head slammed against the hard surface and he immediately released Orochimaru's arm. He fell gracelessly to the floor.

He leapt to the side like an agitated wild animal when Orochimaru came closer. The man found himself being attacked again by the rabid boy.

Sasuke's mind was gone, along with his strategy and tactics. All that was left was a savage viciousness. He attacked without knowing exactly what he was doing.

Orochimaru took advantage of Sasuke's lack of sanity and flipped him on his back. Sasuke was pinned to the floor, snarling, scratching, snapping and kicking. His efforts to escape were futile. Orochimaru had a steely grip on both of his shoulders.

Sasuke fought and fought. He tried to wriggle away, but the older man was hovering over him, keeping him in place. He felt Orochimaru straddling his hips and he panicked even more.

Sasuke was trapped. No matter how hard he fought, he couldn't throw his guardian off.

Suddenly, Sasuke felt a sharp pain in his neck and he went limp. Orochimaru was _biting _him right above his scar! And it hurt! It hurt enough to encourage a piercing cry of agony from the pinned boy. Sasuke struggled again and Orochimaru bit harder. The boy felt the older man's long tongue lapping up the blood that flowed down his neck. He started sucking at the wound and Sasuke no longer knew what to do. He lay there, stiff as a dead man. He felt like such a girl. He was letting Orochimaru do this to him. But there was no way to stop him, was there?

Orochimaru sensed that his prey had given up struggling for a while, so he sucked harder.

Sasuke was delirious. He was going to have a hickey.

A hickey! And a bite mark to go with it! The hickey would last a week in the least, but the mark would never go away. Since when had his life taken such a bad turn?

Sasuke noticed that the leech had let his guard down. He snarled and kneed Orochimaru in the groin.

Orochimaru released his grip on Sasuke's shoulders and buckled in pain, "You son of a bitch!" Sasuke scrambled away and locked himself in his room.

Orochimaru pounded on his door twice, then left it alone. "You can't stay in there forever, you know. You'll starve and die, and then I'll get your money anyway. But then again, I don't think I want you to die yet. I want to have some fun with you first."

"You've had your goddamn fun, now leave me alone," Sasuke panted tiredly.

"I'll leave you alone for now, but I'll be back, boy." Sasuke heard a wicked, stifled laugh, "You're as beautiful as you are delicious, Sasuke."

"Go away…" Sasuke was too dazed to say something else.

Without a word, Orochimaru grinned wickedly and made for the exit. Sasuke didn't dare to move until he heard the click of the door.

Life was a bitch.

----

Chibi Naruto: -bursts into hysterical laughter for no apparent reason-

Me: WTF?

Chibi Naruto: -eye twitches- Ooooh! Look at the bunny! –pounces on Neji-

Me: What's up with Naru-chan?

Chibi Sasuke: I don't know…

Me: Hang on a second! –rummages though cabinets- Where are those cookies?

Chibi Sasuke: Actually I was going to ask you the same thing… But anyway… I ALMOST GOT RAPED! WTF?

Me: Muuuahahahaha! I love torturing you.

Chibi Sasuke: What the hell? Am I a uke or something? I thought I was the MAN in this story!

Me: Naw. You're too hot. You're no uke, Orochimaru's just a lot stronger than you are… eheheheheh… You might be a little OOC in that last part, but who says a perfectly sane guy can't panic once in a while and toss his right mind out the window? There's no law that says a gay guy can't rape a straight (for now n.n) guy, you know.

Chibi Sasuke: Actually, there is…

Me: Not in my book, okay?

Chibi Sasuke: right…

Chibi Naruto: FEAR ME, FOR I AM CHEESE!

Me: He ate those cookies! –grabs hunting rifle- Bastard!

Chibi Sakura: I think he had a bit too much candy and brand X sugary cereal with marshmallows…

Chibi Sasuke: No! Stop him before he ruins my house!

Chibi Naruto: Yah, Pony! Giddy up!

Chibi Gaara: Jesus H. Christ! What the hell is going on?

Chibi Naruto: Purple cow! Purple cow!

Chibi Gaara: O.O

Me: Nooo! My underwear drawer! Get out of there you little- Gah! Get that off of your head!

Chibi Gaara: You have some kinky underwear, Swirl-chan…

Me: You tell anyone and I'll-

Chibi Gaara: Too late. They're already here. –points at you-

Me: Ohmigawd! Look away, look awaaaaay! –throws a bunny slipper at you-

Chibi Naruto: -foams at the mouth and twitches-

Me: He's got Rabies! I'm gonna' hafta' shoot him! –aims rifle-

Chibi Gaara: Sweet wounded Jeezus! Put that gun down, woman!

Me: Hahahahahahaha!

Chibi Gaara: Only reviews can stop her now! Review, review, review!


	5. 5: Apologies to the duck

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, and I never will! Grrr…

Chibi Gaara: Don't be so depressed, Swirl-chan.

Me: -sniff-

Chibi Naruto: We love you, Swirly!

Me: -sniff-

Chibi Sasuke: You're a dumb ass.

Me: Now I feel better! Whee!

Chibi Gaara: -raises eyebrow-

Me: Thanks to all of you who reviewed! Thanks to you, I decided not to shoot Naruto!

Chibi Naruto: Yeah! Eheheheh…

Chibi Sasuke: Dammit!

Me: Oh Sasuke, don't be stubborn. I couldn't shoot him anyway. He's too damn important!

Chibi Sasuke: -grumbles and walks away-

Me: And, to all you reviewers, you get cookies! Yay! Free virtual cookies! You can eat as many of them as you want and not gain a pound! If anyone else wants to review, they can help themselves to my endless supply of free virtual cookies too! And this time, I made sure to label the powdered sugar.

Chibi Naruto: -eye twitch- those were some GOOD cookies. –eye twitch-

Me:-grabs shotgun- Down, boy.

Chibi Naruto: -twitch-

Me: Sorry it took me so long to post last time! I always let my buddies at school edit my shit, then I post it. A friend of mine ran off with it over the weekend, then the website decided to be a bitch and not let me post it for a day. I already wrote this chapter while that was going on. My editors didn't find anything wrong with it, so I've posted it! Yay!

Chibi Gaara: Welcome to yet another chapter in yet another twisted little story! Relax, eat cookies, and enjoy!

**J L H 5**

Naruto shoveled more cereal into his mouth. He didn't have dinner last night. He was too busy pestering Iruka the entire afternoon. He didn't get home until late. When he arrived, his mother was snoring like a… woman who snored a lot.

He still couldn't believe that his English teacher had a crush on Kakashi. And why did Kakashi keep changing the subject when he asked him about Iruka? Maybe Kakashi liked Iruka too?

Retards.

Hiding their emotions wasn't going to make their relationship any better.

He devoured two bowls of cereal at light speed, then raced upstairs to fix his hair. He wet his hands in the sink and ruffled up his hair with them. He then sifted through a drawer, the one that held all the makeup, and withdrew a permanent marker.

Why did he have a permanent marker in his makeup drawer? To draw on his face of course. He drew three whisker-like stripes across both of his cheeks as he did every morning. He ruffled up his hair again, took one last look in the mirror, and went off to his room to pick out his clothes.

He suspected that his mother had gone shopping again. She always went shopping at the beginning of each month. He didn't have the time or the energy to take a good look at his clothes last night, so he opted to do so that morning. He threw open the door to his closet and found a few new skirts, and to his amazement, a pair of orange sweat pants. He also had what he thought was an awesome shirt. It was a black, button-up, short sleeved shirt with a little skull on it. The sleeves were slit at the shoulders, and Naruto thought that was pretty spiffy. He chose a plaid skirt and a pair of candy cane striped, over-the-knee socks. He decided to go for a dark look that day. He wasn't quite sure why, but he didn't feel as chipper today as the first two days of school.

"Nari?" He heard his mother's groggy voice croak from her room.

"Yeah?" he answered back, still spinning around the mirror to see how he looked.

"I didn't get to see you last night. Where were you?"

"Bugging Iruka," he deadpanned.

"Iruka? One of the teachers at theatre camp you said you liked? What's he doing at Konohagakure?"

"He's actually an English teacher. I have his class sixth period."

"Neat. So, is anything happening in school I should know about?" Naruto could hear her feet padding on the kitchen floor. He swore the walls were paper thin.

"Well, I met this really neat guy named Hyuga Neji, but that was after I made an enemy of another rich dude…"

"Whoa! Hold on. You made friends with a Hyuga? Nice going! He hot?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Yeah, mom. He's kinda' hot. You're obsessed with hot guys, you know."

"I know!" his mom piped up from the kitchen. There was the creaking sound of the refrigerator closing, then she spoke up again, "So who's the rich bastard who bothered you?"

"Dunno, people say he's loaded though. Some Sasuke guy…"

All noise ceased downstairs. Naruto wondered what he said wrong. "… this wouldn't happen to be Sasuke_ Uchiha_," his mom sounded uneasy, "would it?"

"Yeah," Naruto poked his head out his door, "why?"

"YOU IDIOT!" His mom screeched and Naruto withdrew his head from the door just as something hit it and shattered. Naruto was shocked. Was this dude really that filthy rich?

"Uh, mom?" he asked when he heard no more curses or breaking of dishes, "What's up?"

He could tell his mom was trying and failing not to get angry, "The Uchihas," she wheezed, "are the richest, most powerful family in Konoha. They are rich, Naruto, filthy rich. That kid probably wallows in a pool full of one hundred dollar bills each morning! And you had to go and make him HATE you! Oh sure, the Hyugas are also rich, but not nearly as much as the goddamn Uchihas! Gah! You could have made me a ton of money and what did you do?"

Naruto hid in his closet.

"You blew it! You screwed up, Naruto! You screwed up, and now we're screwed over!"

"Sorry, I'll try to apologize to him…"

"Apologize? You've gotta' be friggin' kidding me."

"I will!" Naruto whined desperately, "I'll offer to work for him to pay him off or something. Lots of money, right?"

For once his mom seemed to consider the idea. Naruto hoped his plan would work, and when it did, he sighed with relief.

"Alright," his mom droned, "You make money for me and maybe I won't throw you out." There was a joking tone in her voice. Naruto was glad she seemed relaxed. "But if you blow your girly secret, you're moving out, hear?" her voice turned steely again.

"Yeah, I won't screw up this time mom, I promise."

----

Gaara paced in front of Naruto's locker. He was late. Naruto was very late. It was seven fifty three, and the blonde was nowhere in sight.

He growled to himself and took a seat on the floor. If the blonde maniac didn't arrive soon, he'd leave.

Seven fifty four.

Seven fifty five.

Seven fifty six.

Gaara had it. He brushed the dirt off of his trench coat and stomped down the hall. Once in a while he saw a junior or senior cast a nasty look in his direction. He had only to glance at them with those eyes of his before they regretted their actions.

Someone stepped in front of him. Gaara merely veered to the left, but was stopped by a large, sweaty hand on his shoulder. "Hey, midget," a low voice mocked, "where ya' goin'?"

"To my computer class, if you don't mind," he shrugged the older boy's hand off his shoulder, but was stopped again when the same hand grabbed his arm.

"Short stuff thinks he's hot stuff, don't he?" Gaara heard snickering from behind. Great. This idiot was in a gang. Or maybe it was a posse. He never did understand ghetto slang.

"Look," Gaara began coolly, "I have somewhere to go, you have somewhere to go. Maybe you want me to walk you to class? We'll both be late though, if you insist on holding my hand like a girl."

"Ooh, tough guy!" the greasy teen sneered.

"Bet you couldn't spell that," Gaara deadpanned as if none of this interested him.

"I'll kill you right now, kid!" The bully snarled and attempted to crush Gaara's arm. The redhead was twisted around to face the sweaty, acne-faced teen. He had a bruise near his eye, brown hair, short stubble on his chin, and a face full of blemishes.

Needless to say, Gaara didn't bat an eye.

"You think you're invincible, punk? I'll kill you where you stand!"

"But you've never really killed anyone before, have you?" Gaara purred with a sadistic gleam in his eye.

The older boy and his team stuttered. Gaara smirked wickedly, "You've never watched someone die before, have you?"

They floundered once again. Gaara was enjoying some of the looks he saw crossing their faces.

"In that case," Gaara cracked his knuckles, "Maybe I can show you what its like to watch someone die. Any volunteers?"

The greasy guys were beginning to sweat. Two of them snuck off silently, afraid to be pulverized by a midget.

A blood-thirsty, cannibalistic, murderous midget.

Gaara would have sucker punched their acne-overrun faces, but a certain blonde came trotting down the hall and yelling his name.

"Gaara! GAARAAAA!" Naruto waved as he tried to catch up with his friend.

Gaara watched as the teenage boys took one last look at him before their faces turned ashen. Good. They knew who he was. He had quite the reputation, it seemed.

"Hey Gaara! Sorry I'm late. My mom got mad this morning," Naruto looked up at the tall, sweaty guys Gaara seemed to be having a conversation with. "Who're they?" he asked, skeptically.

"No one," Gaara stated simply, "they were just leaving."

Indeed they were. As soon as they assumed it was safe, all of them rocketed down the hallways like they had seen a ghost.

"Wow," Naruto blinked, "what do you suppose they were so scared of?"

Gaara shrugged, "probably a blood-thirsty, cannibalistic, murderous midget."

----

Naruto was having a typical day. He had homework in German, homework in geometry, and now homework in science.

None of which he planned on doing.

There was an awkward silence between him and Neji, one which Neji especially found pleasant, yet disturbing.

Neji broke the silence. "You're very talkative today," he droned sarcastically. Naruto shrugged, "I really have nothing to talk about."

Gasp!

The world!

It was ending!

"Unusual," Neji rested his head on his fist, "Is something bothering you?"

"Naw," Naruto flicked his hand at Neji, "I just don't feel like talking."

Wow.

"Wow."

The world was ending.

"The world is ending."

Naruto elbowed his friend playfully, "Quiet, you!"

Neji grinned, so the blonde was herself after all. "You want to eat lunch together again?"

Naruto perked up instantly, "Sure!" Then he deflated, "but I'm broke. I've got no money!"

Neji smiled, "That won't matter. I'll pay." He took a wallet out of his pocket and ran his fingers over the edges of a few twenties.

"Awesome!" Naruto beamed with stars in his eyes. He started chattering Neji's ear off again, but Neji didn't mind.

Class ended and students flocked into the halls. Neji and Naruto walked side by side to the front doors of the school. There, they met Gaara. Naruto noticed with rapt fascination that Gaara sat at one side of the hall, bemusedly tapping his boot-clad foot on the floor, while twenty or so older boys huddled against the opposite wall.

Naruto briefly greeted Gaara, then the three of them continued their quest to the noodle shop.

Neji graciously bought both Naruto and Gaara a cup of ramen. He sat next to Naruto, and consequently got a noodle or two slapped in his face. Gaara was swallowing his first mouthful of noodles when Naruto belched and announced that he was done. The redhead rolled his eyes and sighed. He didn't mention anything to the wild blonde though.

He glanced over at Neji. The black-haired Asian boy was brushing noodles off of his clothes in a persnickety way. When he was done tidying himself up, he resumed the action of eating his lunch. Gaara watched as Neji twirled the noodles around his chopsticks before eating them up politely. He must've been practiced in the art of being suave.

He smiled to himself.

Spoiled rotten rich bastard.

Naruto was itching to leave, so despite Gaara's stubbornness, he dragged Neji off by the arm and the short one was compelled to follow.

----

Sasuke spent the entire day with his hood up. He wore a navy blue hoodie to school, and refused to take it off. It was uncomfortable, and he felt incredibly stupid, but he would not take it off.

If he did, someone was bound to notice the gynourmous hickey on the back of his neck. Normally Sasuke didn't use made-up words, but this was an exception. The thing was indeed gynourmous.

He went through art class without incident, though Naruto kept casting looks in his direction. The girl looked like she wanted to ask him something, but she hung back. Sasuke wanted to ask her what the hell she wanted, but hung back as well.

On his way to health class, Ino and her posse found him in the hall. "Hi Sasuke-kuuuun!" they rambled in their hideous voices, "Whatcha' doin' Sasuke-kuuuun?"

Get-the-fuck-away-from-me-kuuuun!

He snorted and walked off as usual. He was dissatisfied when he found out they were still following him. "Whatcha' doin' after school today Sasuke-kuuuun?"

God! Get them away!

"Wanna' go out with me Sasuke-kuuuun?"

"No, he wants to go out with me, right Sasuke-kuuuun?"

Shut-the-fuck-up-kuuuun!

He veered away from the stagnant mass of estrogen and into health class. Ino followed. Why? Why was she stalking him?

Oh right. She's got the same class as you, dumbass.

Sasuke meandered into class with his head bowed. His hood draped over his eyes and he had his hands shoved in his pockets. He imagined that he looked like a hobo. Hobos were poor. He didn't want to look poor, but he'd pay the price if he pulled his hood down.

Kakashi was sitting at his desk as usual, with his head buried in his book.

Naruto came in the door with her normal short train of friends trailing along behind her.

The three stooges took spots next to each other, a few desks away from Sasuke. Sasuke was discouraged to see that Neji was blocking his view of Naruto. He knew she was wearing something unusual today, but he hadn't gotten a good look at her outfit yet.

Sasuke slumped over in his desk. He felt like death.

Kakashi shut his book. He stood up in front of the class with his clipboard and was about to give a short speech on today's assignment.

"Sasuke," instead of the anticipated short speech, Kakashi chose a different subject to talk about.

Said boy looked up expressionlessly.

"What's with the getup?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Is it ghetto day today, or did you just feel like dressing up like a normal kid for once?"

Sasuke ignored the silver-haired sensei. Frankly, he didn't like to be ignored.

"Come here, Sasuke," he commanded.

Sasuke got up and trudged over to Kakashi like a bitch.

"Take off the hood, Sasuke."

Now that, Sasuke could not do. "No," he said.

Unimpressed, the teacher commanded him again to take his hood off. Sasuke refused a second time. Kakashi asked him if he had anything to hide. Sasuke glared at him with dark eyes and replied that no, he didn't.

Kakashi then told him that if he had nothing to hide, then he would take his hood down. Sasuke said he didn't want to take it down. Kakashi told him he had to take it down. When Sasuke refused, Kakashi pulled his hood off for him.

Rapture occurred.

Ino gasped, Sakura scoffed, Neji's eyebrows surged skyward, Gaara frowned, Naruto's jaw dropped, and Kakashi's face went blank.

Sasuke's head was screaming in a thousand different languages.

Bad bad bad bad bad bad.

They were all staring at the gynourmous, purple and red blemish on his neck, which was accompanied by some nasty looking puncture marks.

Sasuke waited calmly for the uproar which was sure to follow.

"Sasuke," Kakashi started in a questioning voice, "what-"

"I don't want to talk about it," the boy stated while readjusting his hood. He wordlessly returned to his desk and slumped over it again.

Kakashi let it go. He resumed his daily routine and passed out papers. He passed wordlessly by Sasuke and left a sheet of paper on the corner of his desk. The stunned room was soon filled with the sounds of pencil scraping on paper.

Sasuke drowned the sound out. He wanted to die. He really, truly, seriously wanted to stab his pencil through his ribs and die. But if he did that, some kind soul would probably save his life in the emergency room.

God, he hated nice people.

Later than he would've liked, the bell rang. Sasuke got up with the intention of leaving the room, but Kakashi stopped him. Students still filed out of the room.

"Sasuke?"

"What do you want?"

"Come with me a second." Kakashi dragged Sasuke over to a small, adjoining supply closet. It was a cluttered, tiny room with papers lying all over the place.

Kakashi shut the door. He leaned casually against the brick wall with his arms crossed. Sasuke did likewise against another wall. When Kakashi said nothing, Sasuke boredly picked a spot in the room and stared at it.

"So, mister Uchiha," Kakashi deadpanned, "want to tell me where you got those pretty little marks on your neck, hm?"

"…" Sasuke stood motionless against the wall.

"Sasuke?"

Said boy shuffled his feet with frustration. The silence was getting on his nerves. His lips worked if only to fill the quiet.

"I was…" he paused calmly, looking for the right word, "attacked."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, "Attacked?" he was not impressed.

"Yes, attacked."

"…"

"By a giant leech."

"A giant leech."

"Yeah."

"Did this leech have an adult human-sized set of teeth, perchance?"

"It was… a vampiric leech."

Kakashi shook his head. "You're cruisin' for a bruisin', kiddo."

Sasuke snorted, "I don't need your sympathy."

"I'm not sympathetic. Sympathy is for people who actually have a chance. I pity you. You're absolutely hopeless. I figured you would do a few foolish things in your life but I never thought you'd sell yourself for-"

"You think I'm a whore?"

"If that's what you want to call it…"

"You haven't even heard the goddamn story!"

Kakashi waved his hands in front of his face in a harmless way, "I didn't mean to offend, Sasuke. But if that's the path you want to go down I-"

"This wasn't my fault! That horny bastard bit me!"

Kakashi blinked.

"I couldn't get him off! He was too damn heavy! Then he gave me a goddamn hickey and I kneed him in the gut! Damn bastard!"

"What bastard?"

"OROCHIMARU! I'll gut him! I'll suffocate him in his sleep. No, I'll beat him with a blunt kitchen knife, cut him open with it, play jump-rope with his intestines, then eat them while he watches."

Silence.

Kakashi tilted his head with an impassive expression on his face, "Sasuke, were you raped?"

"Pretty damn close."

"I see…"

Sasuke felt relieved that he got to let off some pent-up steam. He could breathe now. He turned skeptically to his teacher, "Since when do you care?"

Kakashi's eye was blank. "Ask Naruto. She'll tell you everything."

"What?" Sasuke was caught off guard.

"Meh, I'm tired of repeating myself. Go talk to her. I'll give you a pass so you aren't late."

Sasuke wasn't entirely sure what Kakashi meant, but he was led back into the health room and given a pass to his English class.

Christ! He was going to be the next Edgar Allen Poe, wasn't he?

There was virtually no one in the halls. Sasuke felt a smidgen of thankfulness about that. Those remaining in the halls were either delivering things for teachers, going to the bathroom, or they really didn't give a damn.

He traveled to his class without being stopped by fan girls, which was delightful. He invited himself in without an apology for interrupting Iruka, but Iruka didn't bug him. Good.

He slumped over his desk like he'd done all day. Shikamaru didn't bother him. The bastard was already half asleep.

Naruto, however, kept looking at him like she wanted to talk to him. She'd glance at Sasuke, then think better of herself and turn away. She tapped her fingers together and drew on her arms. The raven-haired boy found it interesting that the angry fox was still lingering on her wrist. She was adding swirl marks all around the fox's face.

Sasuke hadn't had a good look at the girl's outfit, so he let his eyes wander. His eyebrows raised. She had a plaid skirt on with candy cane striped stockings. Funny, didn't the emo kids wear stuff like that? And her shirt…

_Her shirt!_

The pitch black, button-up shirt went perfectly with her skin and her hair. It made her hair shine like a star on top of her head. And, if it were possible, Sasuke thought her eyes sparkled brighter than ever. And the shoulders were horizontally slit…

Damn!

Sexy stuff. Black was definitely her color. Or technically her lack of color, but that didn't matter now, did it?

Sasuke realized he was staring again. He averted his eyes and did as Shikamaru had done. He nearly fell asleep.

Class was over in a flash. Now Sasuke knew why Shikamaru slept so much. Sleep made the day much shorter. He watched Naruto tap her fingers together again and cast another glance his way.

Maybe she wanted to ask him… if he wanted to go out with her. Ohohoho! Take that, Neji, you ferret bastard!

Sure enough, she was looking at the ground and shuffling over to him like she was embarrassed about what she was going to say. While the rest of the class filed out of the room, Sasuke pretended to gather up all of his stuff.

He stopped stalling when the girl began to stutter, "I… uh-" she turned like she wanted to leave, but spun around again. "Ummm… mister uh, Sasuke, umm…"

"What?" Sasuke put on his 'fuck with me and you die' façade.

"I just wanted to apologize…"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"to…"

Sasuke liked where this was going. Power! Intimidation! Oh, Neji, look! Sasuke's stealing your girlfriend! Whatcha' gonna' do now, you son of a bitch?

"to the duck!" Naruto's face beamed sadistically.

Sasuke's ego trip vaporized.

What? What the hell?

"I feel sorry for the duck! I said your hair looked like a duck's ass, but I feel like I've insulted the duck."

The corner of Sasuke's lip twitched. What in the name of-

"Bye Sasuke-bitch!" Naruto blew him a kiss and laughed maniacally into the distance.

How? Why? What? When? Where? Who? Sasuke felt like he'd just been shot at point blank. How the hell? What the hell? He sat there for a moment more, then it dawned on him.

Bitch!

Oh, he was going to burn something tonight. If he found out where Neji lived, he'd set fire to his house! Why Neji and not Naruto? Well, if he burnt Naruto's house down, she'd be cold and hungry and…

Bleh! You're melting, Sasuke! Get your goddamn act together!

He stormed off, thinking of one thousand ways to destroy the city.

----

Naruto paced down the hallways. He wasn't going home tonight. If his mom found out about this, he would be grilled and served as a side dish at a tailgate barbeque.

He blew it again. He was such a failure.

Maybe he could walk to Gaara's house.

After all, it was only thirty or so blocks away.

He wove around the corridors, zigzagging around like a deranged bee. He yelped when he felt something pull on his ear.

"Why on earth are you still hanging around?"

Naruto glanced behind him to see a slightly amused Kakashi pinching his ear. He grumbled, "Why are you still here?"

"I'm a teacher."

Duh!

Naruto smacked himself. Of course. Teachers always stayed after school to do whatever teachers did. Kakashi let go of the blonde's ear. "So," he crossed his arms, "Did you talk to Iruka, like I said?"

"Yep," a huge grin appeared on Naruto's face as he recalled their lovely conversation together.

"So," Kakashi glanced to one side, then the other, "what did he say?"

Naruto stepped back. Kakashi was right in his face, grinning like a kid in a candy store. "Ummm," Naruto began, "I don't think I can tell you…"

"Tell me or I'll flunk you."

"Okay, okay! He said, well, sort of, that he-"

"Cut the crap."

"Uuuah! Alright! Keep your pants on! Jeezus!" Naruto was now very uncomfortable. Kakashi had a strange look in his eye and the blonde boy wasn't sure he liked it.

"I was talking to him yesterday, when he was having one of his 'no one listens' moments, and out of the blue he yells that he doesn't have a crush on you. Which leads me to believe that he's head over heels for you. I bothered him some more and it turns out that he's got this empire-state-building-big crush on you and he's had it since high school. He's just too much of a pussy to ask you if you like him."

Kakashi blinked. The calm before the storm, Naruto supposed. Then Naruto saw Kakashi do what he'd seen no other teacher do. He cackled like a mad scientist, did a cartwheel, and then a wicked smile appeared on his face before he shut himself in his room with a scheming look in his eye.

Just as Naruto was leaving, the door swung open and Kakashi popped out with a sly smirk, "Tell him anything and you fail."

The door slammed shut.

Naruto stared blankly at the spot Kakashi had been.

Well, wasn't that special.

He didn't know what to think. Maybe he should just call Gaara…

He wondered over to Iruka's room. The shy, scar-faced pansy was organizing books on his book case. He flipped all the books over, the way they were supposed to be, then meticulously put them in alphabetical order.

"Hey, Iruka?" Naruto knocked on the side of the doorway and let himself in. Iruka looked up from his work and was surprised to see his favorite student waiting behind him.

"Naruto? Shouldn't you be home? Won't your mom be worried about you?"

'Worried' didn't strike Naruto as the best word.

"Naw. Can you drive me somewhere?"

Iruka gave him a leery look, "Will your mom care?"

"Nope," Naruto leaned against a nearby desk, "She won't care. As long as I come home in a month, she's fine."

Iruka rolled his eyes, "Well, I suppose I could take you, but I won't be held responsible when your mom gets mad."

"Mmmkay." Naruto patiently waited for Iruka to fix up his book case.

"Can I call Gaara on your phone?"

"You're going to his house?"

"Yeah. I've gotta' warn him first, though."

"Go ahead."

About two minutes later, the two of them made their way to Iruka's green mini-van. Naruto hopped in the front seat with Iruka, leaving the back completely devoid of life.

Iruka started the van and drove out of the nearly vacant parking lot. Naruto flipped through Iruka's CDs. He grumbled when he figured out all Iruka had was old rock music.

"Why do you listen to old fart music?" Naruto pouted. Iruka growled, "It's not old fart music! It's classic rock. I happen to like classic rock, so there." Iruka stuck his tongue out at Naruto, then quickly returned his attention to the road.

"Bet there's no decent head-banging music…"

"Not true! Have you ever heard 'Immigrant Song' by Led Zeppelin? Now that's good shit!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes!"

Naruto shoved the Led Zeppelin CD in the slot and waited. "Here," Iruka cycled through the tracks, "I'll find it for you. There! Now listen and be amazed."

Naruto was blown backward as Iruka blasted the music into his ears.

_AAAAAAAAAHHH AAAH!_

_AAAAAAAAAHHH AAAH!_

_We come from the land of the ice and snow,_

_from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow._

Naruto blinked. This was good shit!

_The hammer of the gods_

_Will drive our ships to new lands,_

_To fight the horde, singing and crying:_

_Valhalla, I am coming!_

"I can see that look on your face, Naruto! You like it, don't you?" Iruka bounced in his seat triumphantly.

_On we sweep with threshing oar,_

_Our only goal will be the western shore._

"Actually, yeah!" Naruto's head bobbled around from front to back and side to side.

_AAAAAAAAAHHH AAAH!_

_AAAAAAAAAHHH AAAH!_

_We come from the land of the ice and snow,_

_from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow._

_How soft your fields so green,_

_Can whisper tales of gore,_

_Of how we calmed the tides of war._

_We are your overlords._

"Muahahahaha! I've converted you, Naruto! Now you don't have to listen to scream-o music anymore!"

_On we sweep with threshing oar,_

_Our only goal will be the western shore._

"I'm never going to stop listening to my music! I'll take it to my grave, thank you very much!"

_So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins,_

_For peace and trust can win the day_

_Despite of all your losing._

"I'll make you like my music too! Have you ever listened to what I listen to?"

"No, I want to keep my ears, thank you."

"Aww, come on! I listened to your shit, so next time you have to listen to mine! Deal?" Naruto held out his hand.

Iruka hesitated for a moment, but then shook Naruto's hand, "Deal!"

The mini-van pulled into Gaara's driveway and Naruto hopped out. He waved goodbye to his English teacher before heading to the door.

Gaara's house was decent, Naruto supposed. It was a comfy, little, white, one-floored wooden thing with a chain link fence around the backyard. There was a tree in the front yard and a basketball lay untended in the driveway.

Naruto could tell that Gaara's caretaker, Yashamaru, was trying his hardest to make the place look homier. The paint was new, whereas most of the other houses had cracked paint, and there were things in the kitchen window. Naruto saw a stained glass hummingbird, a piece of kirigami, and a note. Naruto couldn't see what the note read. It was taped to the window so someone inside could see it.

He rang the door bell and heard a feminine cry of 'I'll get it!' Naruto heard the door unlock. The door was pulled open to reveal the remotely curious face of Gaara's older sister, Temari. She looked as if she were expecting someone else, but sighed with relief when she saw Naruto.

She invited him in, then closed the door and locked it. "Downstairs," she said, flopping onto the couch and returning her attention to the TV. Naruto whistled his thanks and hopped down the stairs to the basement after taking off his shoes.

He could hear the tapping and humming of the dishwasher as he strolled down the concrete floor. Even through his socks Naruto could feel the cold floor biting into his feet. Gaara normally walked around barefoot down there. Naruto wondered how he could stand it.

The smell of detergent gradually increased, then went away when he passed the laundry room. He'd already passed Temari's room, and was rushing past the room of Kankuro, Gaara's older brother. He was younger than Temari, but much stronger. He was notorious for being a smart ass when Gaara wasn't around. The blonde really didn't want to run into him, so he zoomed off to his friend's room, which was just around the corner.

He got to the door and knocked, "Gaara? It's me! Can I come in?"

Naruto heard someone shuffling around in the room, then the redhead's voice rang out, "Come in. It's a mess, but you're probably used to it."

Naruto heard the door click behind him and he belly-flopped onto Gaara's bed. The thing creaked and groaned, bouncing on its spindly legs and rusty coils. Gaara's bed smelled good. No matter how old the thing got, it always smelled like something spicy.

"Bounce on it some more, Naruto. It just might break." Gaara's voice came from the bathroom connected to his room. No one wanted to share a bathroom with Gaara, so they gave him the secluded room with one built in.

"Why would you want it to break?" Naruto asked, pulling his head out from beneath the disheveled sand-colored and black sheets on Gaara's bed.

Gaara's head poked out of his open bathroom door, "Yashamaru says when it breaks I'll have to sleep on the floor. The thing's like a dying animal anyway. Why not put it out of its misery?"

"Why would you want to sleep on the floor?" Naruto questioned.

"Much more comfortable," Gaara replied.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Why don't you just drag all your stuff onto the floor and sleep there then?"

"Because Yashamaru won't let me. He says it's bad for my back."

"Jeez, it's like you're an old man or something."

"That's what I said."

Naruto rolled over and batted Gaara's tattered curtains around. The room was a modest size. It was bigger than Kankuro or Temari's rooms. They gave it to him without a fight, though. Naruto smiled. Probably because they knew he'd beat them to a bloody pulp. There was one thing that Gaara didn't have in his room, and that his siblings did.

Carpet.

Naruto swore his friend was obsessed with torturing himself. His room was cold as ice, but he didn't seem to mind. Naruto on the other hand, was freezing his tail off. He wrapped Gaara's comforter around himself and shivered.

"Were you born in the Sahara or something?" Gaara kidded from inside his bathroom.

"Quiet, you! Just because you were born at the north pole doesn't mean you can make fun of me for being cold!"

"You're such a cry-baby Naruto."

"Eskimo."

"Bedouin."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a guy who wanders around the desert, smart ass."

"Oh yeah? Well at least I don't eat whales!"

"You eat anything you can get your hands on. And you have to sleep with camels."

"Well, you sleep with polar bears!"

"Your mother's a camel."

"Yours is a walrus."

"_Was_ a walrus."

"Oh, yeah… right. Sorry."

"I'm over it."

"Whatcha' doin' in there anyway?" Naruto was suddenly curious.

"Giving myself a tattoo," the red-headed Eskimo replied.

"You're WHAT?" Naruto shot up off of Gaara's bed and sped toward the bathroom door.

"Relax. It's just a henna tattoo. Want one?" Gaara was sitting calmly on the floor and waving his arm around. He had his wall-mounted mirror propped up against the bottom of his counter.

"What's a henna tattoo?" Naruto asked as he took a seat next to his friend.

"It's a design you make on your arm using this goopy paste stuff. It's perfectly harmless."

Naruto became curious, "Does it hurt?"

"Of course not," Gaara blew on his wrist, "And it wears off in a week or two."

Naruto glanced at his friend's arm. There was a green, slimy-looking ring around his wrist. "What's it supposed to be?" he asked innocently.

Gaara twisted his arm around, "It's a snake. Cool, isn't it?"

Naruto tilted his head. The slimy, green thing was really a serpent winding its way up Gaara's arm. "Yeah, spiffy! I want one!"

Gaara picked up a tube of paste from his side, "Where?"

"On my ass!"

"Well, turn around then."

"Pervert!"

"Who's the pervert?"

"Pft, you're no fun!"

"Whatever. So really, where do you want me to put this thing?"

"Ummm…" Naruto thought a moment, "My belly-button!"

Gaara blinked. "Where?" he quirked an eyebrow. Yes, Gaara had eyebrows. You just couldn't _see _them.

"My belly-button! Wouldn't that be cool?" Naruto chuckled, "Or are you having perverted thoughts and you're too embarrassed to put one there?"

Gaara huffed, "I just don't want you giggling up a storm. I don't want to have to redo your tattoo because it tickles, got it?"

"Got it."

"So what do you want?"

"Come again?" Naruto asked quizzically.

"What do you want me to do for your little tattoo? What design?" Gaara specified.

"Oh," the blonde boy thought, "A swirl. I want a swirl around my belly-button."

"Alright. A swirl it is then."

For the next few minutes, Gaara worked diligently on Naruto's tattoo. To his surprise, there was minimal laughing, so he didn't make any major screw-ups. They didn't talk much, but it was a friendly silence. Naruto would recall the occasional highlight of his day and Gaara would nod his head to show he was listening.

"And then I said I apologized to the duck. You know, like I was insulting the duck." Naruto chuckled a little, "But I kinda' feel bad about that. That and I really need his forgiveness if I don't want to wind up as a turkey in my mom's freezer."

"Yeah," Gaara sighed, "I figured. She's a greedy, avaricious, money-whore, if you don't mind my opinion."

"You're right. She is a whore," Naruto added slyly, "in more than one way…"

"I can talk about your mom like that, but you can't. She loves you more than she lets on." Gaara reprimanded in a serious tone.

"How's that?" Naruto asked dryly.

"For starters, if she didn't love you, you would've been dead from the moment she found out you were a dude."

"Yeah, I suppose." Naruto meditated for a while.

"Gaara?" Naruto tilted his head.

"Hm?"

"Do you like anyone?"

Well, wasn't that a random thought. Gaara considered the question.

"Not really," he said in a hesitant sort of way. His tone of voice made Naruto believe that there was something more to it.

"Oh really?" he leered at Gaara.

"Yes, really," the redhead clearly didn't want to talk about it.

Naruto waved his hands around, "Tell me! Tell me tell me tell me tell me! Who's the lucky girl?"

Gaara's eye twitched.

"Oho! I see now. You're a queer like me!" then Naruto assumed a shocked look, "You don't like _me,_ do you?"

Gaara rolled his eyes, "Of course not, idiot. I pity the man who's stupid enough to like you."

Naruto pouted, "Tell me, then."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"YES!"

"I'm not telling you, you know. My lips are sealed."

"Not fair!"

Gaara paid no attention to him.

"There." said Gaara, stepping back to admire his work, "Just don't let it get smeared by your shirt. It'll dry in a while. Keep your shirt up a bit until then."

"Sweet! Thanks!" Naruto admired Gaara's handiwork. He grabbed the tube of paste off the floor and sniffed it. It was sweet, yet spicy. Kind of like Pepsi. Funny, so that's what Gaara's bed smelled like!

"I make the stuff myself," Gaara pointed out as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Ah, so that's why everything smells nice. Where do you get all the ingredients?"

"Around," Gaara shrugged, "You just have to know where to look."

"Oh, right. Mister resourceful. You're probably buying this stuff illegally or something." Naruto fanned his tattoo. The red-haired one was too busy digging under his bed for something. He didn't hear what Naruto had to say. Eventually, as the curses started flying fluently out of Gaara's mouth, the little blonde boy got curious.

"Whatcha' looking for?" Naruto hopped around on his friend's bed, mindful of his tattoo.

"A phone book," Gaara muttered a reply. "Dammit! I can't figure out where I put it…"

"A phone book? Why would we need a phone book?" Naruto glanced down at Gaara.

The red haired boy was still digging in a pile of god knew what. "You don't want your mom to kill you, and you feel bad, so we'll just call Sasuke and get it over with."

"NOOOOO!" Naruto waved his arms around in the air like a maniac, "That's suicide! He'll kill me!"

"Relax, he won't kill you." Gaara stated calmly.

"How do you know that?" Naruto wheezed as he tugged on his hair.

"There are just a few things I pay more attention to than you do, you buffoon," he dragged something out from under his bed. "Here it is," he said, tossing it up onto his bed and pulling his cell-phone off of his dresser. He flipped through the pages. "Uchiha…"

----

Humphrey, Hunt… Hyatt, Hynes… Hyuga…Hyuga Hyuga Hyuga. Where are you, Hyuga Neji?

Sasuke flipped through his phone book. He was intent on finding the address of his hated rival. Neji's house would burn if it was the last thing Uchiha Sasuke did.

His phone rang. He glanced uncaringly at his caller ID. Haruno. That was Sakura's house calling, and the big-foreheaded girl was probably on the other line. She would leave him an annoying message if he didn't answer the phone. He was feeling delightfully wicked today, so he decided to answer the phone for her.

"Sasuke is a man-whore," he deadpanned and hung up.

Ah, that felt good.

He sifted through the list of names again when the phone rang yet another time. He glanced again at the caller ID to see some name he didn't know. He let them leave a message.

"You've reached the house of Uchiha Sasuke. Either I don't know you, I hate you, I'm gone, I'm dead, or I'm just too damn lazy to answer the phone. I'd prefer that you don't leave me a message, but if you have to, leave it after the fucking beep."

Beep.

"Aw, Gaara, I told you he wouldn't answer the phone!" Sasuke's ears perked up. Wasn't that Naruto's whiney voice on the other line? He wanted to answer the phone, but stalled and enjoyed the way the blonde idiot struggled. "Just talk, you idiot. He'll get the message sooner or later." Sasuke heard a muffled voice in the background and he assumed it was Gaara's. "Um… Sasuke?" Naruto whined uneasily, "I'm sorry for… all that stuff I did. I um… want to make it up to you somehow…"

Ooh, it seemed like Sasuke was about to get himself a new bitch!

Eat that, ferret bastard Hyuga.

"Maybe I can do some stuff for you… you know… carry books to different classes and stuff? Or maybe I could work at your house or something. You know… maid kind of deal?"

Score!

"I'm calling from Gaara's cell, so don't call back. If you get this message… I suppose we could talk at school or something… bye…" click.

Sasuke relaxed on his leather couch. He was the king. No, he was God. He half expected to see a heavenly ray of light glowing from his window, but then remembered that all the curtains were drawn.

He had to keep Orochimaru out. The windows were closed, and the doors were bolted shut. He was not going to be bothered by his guardian. He didn't want to put up with him. He was also more than creeped out at what had _almost_ happened yesterday afternoon.

Why was everyone he knew a horny little queer? And Orochimaru, the man who took care of him, just had to be the horniest of them all.

He growled.

He no longer felt the urge to call Neji and threaten his meaningless existence. He tip-toed silently over to his panoramic windows, glanced out, then crept back to his spot on the couch. Orochimaru wasn't there.

Good.

He was feeling slightly tired, but he jumped at every sound and barked at every shadow. He already shot up for the night, but the feel-good effects of his heroine wore off in a flash. Afterward, he felt sleepy. He didn't like feeling sleepy. Especially when there was a pedophile lurking around his apartment.

His eyes drooped. Today was only half good.

With that thought, Sasuke yawned and fell asleep on his couch.

----

Me: Whew! Wasn't that cool!

Chibi Gaara: Oh yes. Very cool. And if any of you haven't heard 'Immigrant Song' by Led Zeppelin, you haven't lived.

Chibi Iruka: Rock on! X3

Chibi Sasuke: Heheheh… Naruto's my bitch…

Chibi Naruto: Have you ever noticed that we swear like sailors?

Chibi Sasuke: Bithcuntshitmotherfuckingdammit!

Chibi Naruto: Jesus fucking Christ! ...Wait a second… -shuts eyes tight- Bad picture! Bad picture!

Me: I noticed my portrayal of Orochimaru did the trick. He's a slimy, dispicable little carnivorous, blood-sucking invertibrate. He's scum, and we all hate him for a reason. That's why I just had to incorporate him into this fic. And when he's served his purpose... I think I'll let Itachi squish him.

Sasuke: Muahahaha!

Me: Enjoy your non-heroine-infused cookies! Yay! Everyone who reviews gets cookies! Those who steal my cookies without reviewing have ferrets up their asses.

Chibi Gaara: So if you want a cookie, review, review, review!


	6. 6: A deal with the devil

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **I don't friggin' own it! Argh!

Chibi Naruto: -munches cookies-

Chibi Sasuke: Gah! When will you ever stop eating?

Chibi Gaara: His stomach is a bottomless abyss, Sasuke. Didn't you know?

Chibi Sasuke: Well he better stop soon.

Chibi Gaara: Fat chance of that…

Chibi Sasuke: …

Chibi Gaara: I think I'll leave.

Chibi Sasuke: …

Chibi Gaara: -leaves-

Chibi Sasuke: -looks right, then left-

Chibi Naruto: X3

Chibi Sasuke: GIVE ME THOSE COOKIES! –kicks Naru-chan and steals cookies-

Chibi Naruto: MRRFL! –gets bowled over-

Me: Sasuke! Don't be a pig!

Chibi Sasuke: -glare of doom-

Me: O.o Take the cookies…

Chibi Sasuke: -smirks, then takes the cookies and hides them-

Me: Riiiight…

Chibi Sakura: Hey all! How is everybody today! –waves-

Me: They won't answer you, you know.

Chibi Sakura: Wha- oh fine! You're no fun. –walks away-

Chibi Naruto: Whew, you scared her off…

Me: Uh… yeah. Anyway, welcome to the SIXTH CHAPTER! W00t! If Naruto hasn't eaten all the cookies, there are still some left! Read and enjoy!

**J L H 6**

"_Huh?" Sasuke's eyes sparkled with pain as he looked up at his older brother._

_Itachi laughed heartlessly, "Foolish brother." He swiped the knife across Sasuke's neck and the young boy screamed, once again scrambling away from his brother._

"_Why, Itachi?" Sasuke cried miserably, huddled in a corner like a drowned puppy. He fretfully ran a finger over the long gash. Sasuke felt his blood dripping down his collarbone. He stuck hid finger in it, and for some unknown reason, he brought it to his lips and licked the blood off._

_Itachi snorted and glowered down at his brother, "You're such a fool. To think you never saw that coming. You just welcomed me with open arms, without protest, even though it was I who nearly killed you."_

"_But…" Sasuke whined with teary eyes, "you're my brother…"_

_Itachi turned his back to his younger brother with an audible "Harumph."_

"_Why should it make any difference whether I am your brother or not?" he hissed in a cold voice._

_Sasuke stood up and cried, "I trusted you! That's what brothers do!"_

_Itachi was silent, as if he were meditating. Sasuke stood there in his pajamas. He was cold and terrified. His brother's sudden lack of speech unnerved him and only added to the terrible feeling in his chest._

_A scornful frown graced Itachi's lips, "Trust? Trust is a senseless emotion."_

_The younger boy shivered. This wasn't the Itachi he knew. The old Itachi helped him with his homework, took him out for ice cream, and gave him piggy-back rides. He blinked uncertainly at his brother, no, this man whose name he didn't know. He clenched his fists and screeched despairingly at the man, "What did you do with my brother?"_

_A hollow laugh came as his response. "Your brother is dead, like the rest of your family." He leered at the cold, young Sasuke, "I am all that is left."_

_Sasuke was confused. The man looked just like Itachi, and when he hugged him, he felt just like Itachi. But he didn't sound like the older brother he knew. His voice was cold and hollow, like a flute with no holes, a piano with no keys, a violin with no strings._

_The sounds of sirens wailed off in the distance. The man raised his head, listening carefully to the sound. His eyes narrowed and he sneered as if he were annoyed._

"_Damn neighbors…" he cursed with a deranged look in his eyes, "They must've heard your stupid uncle. The bastard. He never learned how to keep his mouth shut."_

_Bile rose in Sasuke's throat as the image of the headless Obito flashed through his head. He quickly squelched the feeling when the man whirled around to face him. His eyes were glowing like embers._

_The sirens grew closer._

_What he did next stunned Sasuke. The man tossed his bloody knife at the boy. It hit the ground at Sasuke's feet with a metallic twang._

"_Look, Sasuke," he removed his coat and held out his arms to the shivering boy, "I am unarmed. That knife was the only weapon I had."_

_Sasuke's big eyes were focused on the man's inhospitable figure. Confused, his eyes drifted to the dripping knife sitting harmlessly at his feet. Sasuke stared up at the man. He was his brother… but he wasn't. His brother was in there somewhere. Itachi was still there, but his mind had been taken over by some maniac. Sasuke wanted his brother back._

"_Your brother is gone, Sasuke. I killed him," the man said dryly as his lips pressed together in a serious, thin line, "All that's left is me. I want you to take that knife, Sasuke…"_

_Sasuke sniffled and blinked two childish eyes at the-stranger-who-was-his-brother._

"…_And I want you to kill me."_

_Sasuke was dumbfounded. What did the man just say? Was he out of his mind? Sasuke couldn't kill him! He wasn't his brother, and yet he was. Sasuke knew his brother was in there somewhere, he just had to bring him out somehow._

_The confused boy picked up the knife with a trembling hand. The handle was still warm. He glanced worriedly at the man. He was waiting silently with his arms hanging limply at his sides._

_Suspecting a trick, he glared accusingly at the man, who held his hands out again and declared for the second time that he had no weapon._

_Sasuke stared shamefully down on the knife he held in his hands. Tears filled his eyes once again. It felt so wrong! To be holding the knife that murdered his family… It was a feeling Sasuke never wanted to experience._

_He shut his eyes tight and shook his head. He felt horrible. He could not kill his own brother._

_The sirens were blaring._

"_I can't…" his voice wavered, "I can't do it!"_

_The man glowered and his eyes narrowed dangerously, "Why not, Sasuke? I slaughtered your family, your brother, and if you don't kill me, I might get rid of you as well!"_

_Sasuke's eyes were overflowing again. Tears streamed down his face. "I can't do it! You're not my brother, but I know he's still in there!" he screeched. "Itachi!" the boy called out vainly, looking the man straight in the eyes, "Come back, Itachi! I'm scared!"_

_The man turned his eyes in the direction of the sirens. His head snapped back, "Kill me now, fool!"_

_Sasuke screamed despairingly, "No! I'll never kill my own brother!" Then his eyes narrowed and he glared poison at the man, "But if you truly did murder my brother, and he's not in there somewhere, then someday I will kill you."_

_The sirens were less than a block away._

_The man's eyes turned to ice._

"_Foolish brother," he hissed, "If you want to kill me, then hate, spite, and survive pathetically…"_

_He turned his back and walked into the house, leaving Sasuke alone in the cold._

"…_Run and run…" he glanced back._

"… _and cling desperately to life."_

_With that, the-man-who-was-Itachi disappeared._

_Sasuke never saw him again._

_----_

Sasuke jerked awake at the sound of the telephone ringing once again. Before answering, he glanced at his clock.

It was one-thirty in the morning!

Who the hell would call him at such a time?

Orochimaru?

He eyed the phone apprehensively. If it was he, his guardian, who was on the other end of that phone, there was no way Sasuke was going to pick it up.

No. Fucking. Way.

He crawled over to the caller ID and lifted the lighted screen up to his face. He squinted, and then numbly dropped it on the floor. The monitor said the call had come from Orochimaru's office.

He was NOT picking up that phone.

The phone rang for the umpteenth time before his answering machine kicked into gear. It drawled out his favorite message, then beeped. God, how he loved that answering machine.

"Sasuke? Don't worry, it's Kabuto."

Thank you Jesus!

Before Orochimaru's secretary could say more, Sasuke snatched up the telephone.

"Hello?" his voice dripped with fatigue.

"Ah, I figured you'd be tired at this time of night," Kabuto sounded as if he were scratching his head in slight embarrassment.

"Then why the hell did you call me?" Sasuke growled.

"Orochimaru-sama told me to."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Kabuto was nice and all, but he was still Orochimaru's bitch. He did absolutely everything the scum asked him to do. Like a dog. He was one of those golden-retriever-dog types. Always loyal…

"Since when is he 'Orochimaru-sama?'"

Kabuto said nothing.

"What does that bastard want?" Sasuke groaned.

The white-haired man sounded offended, "I'll thank you not to speak of him that way in my presence, Uchiha-san."

"Right, right. Whatever. What does he want?"

"Orochimaru-sama asked me to tell you that he was going on a business trip for a while. He also added that he apologized, but you 'would have to wait.'"

Sasuke scoffed.

"I don't mean to intrude," Kabuto said with a suspicious tone of voice, "but would I be wrong to assume that there is something going on between you two?"

"Nothing is going on between us, and you can go ahead and tell him that." Sasuke droned with an unimpressed tone.

Rhyming… he'd kill whoever invented it…

"Ah, I see. I'll tell him that then." Kabuto sounded remotely relieved.

"That all?" Sasuke growled irritably.

"Hm?"

"Is that all you have to say, or are you waiting to tell me something else?" Sasuke's voice went cold, "About my brother, perhaps?"

Kabuto sighed, "Leave your brother in his grave. You won't accomplish anything by mutilating his dead body."

"And where is his grave?" Sasuke sneered and hissed.

Kabuto sounded as if he was going to reply, but his breath caught in his throat and he stayed silent.

"I thought so," Sasuke snorted, "Goodbye, Kabuto." With that, he ended the call and slammed the phone back down in its place.

He curled back up on his couch. So Oro-yarou was out of town? Well, wasn't that a relief. Maybe in the time he was away from Sasuke, he'd finally give up and screw a tree. Or maybe his time alone would just make him want Sasuke more and more…

Bleh! Sasuke suffocated the thought.

He had been thoroughly creeped out by his own imagination.

And now, there was a problem. How to keep Naruto away from Orochimaru…

…or how to use her to piss him off.

Yes. Brilliant! Maybe some jealousy would help to put the bastard in his place. Plus, if he got mad, it was Naruto's head and not his. Of course, if he killed Naruto, he still might feel angry enough to try to screw Sasuke senseless, but sacrifices had to be made. Besides, if Orochimaru touched him, Sasuke would scalp him, then stab him.

Hell, he'd castrate the bastard!

The black-haired boy milled around his apartment for a while, indecisive as to whether he should go back to sleep or not. He eventually strolled over to a large picture he had on the wall. It was a Chinese painting of a fan and a few Sakura blossoms.

Sasuke shuddered. Sakura was such a dirty word…

It was a Chinese painting of a fan and a few _cherry blossoms._

Ah, much better.

It was one of the few things he did not allow Orochimaru to remove from his home. He told him that it was a precious family heirloom and he wanted to keep it for that reason.

In fact, the real reason was something else entirely. The painting was really nothing more than a cheap decoration his father bought at a flea market on a business trip to Beijing. The reason Sasuke wanted the picture left where it was, was because behind it was hidden a vault in the wall. Inside the vault was Sasuke's most prized possession.

His second freezer.

The one that held all the booze.

And the tequila, and the vodka, and the scotch, and the beer, and the rum, and the whiskey, and the sake, and the cognac…

What could he say? Intoxication was the ultimate stress reliever. Probably because he passed out after a while, but that was beside the point.

Ah, Kisame…

The guy looked like a shark, but he somehow managed to sell Sasuke any type of alcoholic beverage he could get his fins on. He never got caught. As far as Sasuke knew, he was still lounging in his spot behind the cash register, smoking a cigarette and tapping his fins together in a greedy manner.

For some odd reason, he was always humming the 'Ring-Around-the-Rosies' song, but the kids all got eaten by sharks in the end.

He seemed like an interesting fellow, but Sasuke didn't mind as long as he got his booze.

Gotta' love that booze…

And tequila, and vodka, and scotch, and beer, and rum, and whiskey, and sake, and cognac…

Kisame was also the one with all the drug connections.

There were times when Sasuke considered making Kisame his best friend.

Liquor and heroine made the world go 'round.

Kisame made the world go 'round.

He'd have to introduce Naruto to him when he got the chance…

Sasuke gracelessly shoved the large painting over and twisted the lock. Twenty four… forty six… eighteen. Clink. The ethically confused teen swung the vault open and rummaged through its contents.

A few minutes later, he happily took a swig of sake.

Ah… liquor enriched the soul.

It also rotted the mind, but hey! Who needs a mind?

Sasuke downed the rest of the half-empty bottle in two gulps.

----

Come five a.m. and Sasuke woke up a second time. He wrinkled his nose. He felt funny. His vision was fuzzy, his tongue was cotton, and when he stood up, he crashed to the floor.

Sasuke had issues.

More than he cared to share, actually.

He picked himself off the floor and stumbled along the wall.

He wasn't an alcoholic. He only reserved his precious liquor for emergencies such as depression, boredom, and dull block parties.

Ugh. Sure, alcohol was nice in the beginning, but the after effects made even Sasuke think about what he'd done wrong. He marveled at his ability to do well in school. By all logical means, he should've been poor, ugly, and utterly brainless. But God smiled down on Sasuke in these fields. Why, Sasuke had no idea. God seemed to enjoy torturing him with the rest of life.

There was one ray of sunshine for him to look forward to, however.

Today he lost a stalker and gained a bitch.

Oh, the things he'd make Naruto do… He tapped his fingers together and smiled serenely. The bitch would have to listen to him, no matter what…

And that Neji bastard couldn't do anything about it.

----

Lunchtime, and Naruto was once again flirting with Neji.

His voice was making Gaara sick. He was tired of hearing the girly-boy's voice rambling on and on like a broken record.

Gods, did Sasuke know what he was getting into?

It appeared that Neji was getting sick of it too. Gaara swore it looked like his ears were on the verge of popping off. He smirked at the thought. He didn't think he wanted to see the Asian boy's ears pop off, but the image was hilarious.

Naruto claimed that he wanted to get to art class early, so Neji and the redhead bid him goodbye. When Naruto galloped off the scene, both boys found the silence uncomfortable.

Neji was still in the act of eating his lunch, and Gaara wasn't hungry. Both sat on the curb and watched the cars fly by.

A blue butterfly fluttered into the redhead's view. He was bored, and the butterfly beckoned him to catch it. His arm shot out in an attempt to grab it, but the insect only flew farther away. Frustrated, he let it wander closer before swiping at it again. For the second time, the butterfly flew off. It fluttered about him for some time. Gaara really wanted to catch the bastard, but it danced out of his reach again.

He tried something new. He let the bastard come closer. The butterfly fluttered around his head for a time and he watched it.

It seemed so close…

Yet Gaara knew that if he attempted to catch the thing, it would only fly further away. He let it come closer until it was literally brushing its wings against him. He sat calmly, watching the little, daring butterfly zip about.

It had its fun.

Gaara watched as the tiny thing came and rested silently on his shoulder. He wanted so much to reach out and touch it.

He did.

He realized his fault when the small insect left his shoulder and once again soared out of his sight.

Gaara turned his attention to Neji. The boy seemed so calm, suave, and serene. He didn't seem like the type who would love Naruto. Hell, he didn't seem like someone who'd put up with Naruto!

"Do you really love Naruto?" he found himself speaking his mind.

It seemed to Gaara that Neji was glaring a hole in his back, but he didn't dare look. He wasn't intimidated by the pale-eyed boy or anything, he just felt… he didn't know what to call it. Embarrassed? No, that wasn't it. Shameful? No, not that either. What was it?

A feeling for which he had no name.

"Why do you ask?" Neji continued to eat his lunch. To Gaara's amazement, he didn't sound suspicious. Maybe to him, this was just another question.

"No reason, really," he lied.

Neji thought a moment. "I suppose so…" he sounded a bit unsure of himself.

"You don't know?" Gaara raised an eyebrow and cast a surprised look in Neji's direction.

Neji shrugged it off, "Not really. Then again, I suppose I don't care."

"You don't care?" Gaara droned in a flat voice.

"No. I've never really thought about it before, but I'm not sure I care what Naruto does. More so, I'm not sure I care whether I love her or not."

"That may be," Gaara glared irritatedly at Neji, "but from what I hear, you don't care about Naruto either."

Neji stopped slurping noodles.

"Do you feel anything for her?" Gaara was staring Neji in the face with his arms at his sides, "anything at all?"

The redhead turned his attention to the road, "Someone once told me that when you really love someone, you feel warm inside, you know, like butterflies in your stomach and shit like that?"

The Asian boy snorted and shook his head, "If it's true love you're blabbing about, then no. I suppose I don't feel anything of the sort."

"Then maybe you haven't found what you're looking for," Gaara sighed.

"What?" Neji stared at the boy like he'd grown a second head.

"Perhaps you've found a girl you like, and I'm sure she likes you back. But I think the only reason you put up with her is because she's the only thing your rival doesn't have. She's just a pawn, and you refuse to acknowledge the fact that maybe you should give Sasuke the surprise of his life. Give her up. You'll be happier that way. Let the bastard have what he wants. You win this untold competition of yours, and she will be nothing but a nuisance to you," Gaara was surprised at himself. He was never this sentimental before…

"Sometimes you have to sacrifice things to be happy, you know. And in the end, they might not seem like sacrifices at all."

Neji stared for a while, long enough for him to collect his thoughts. Gaara was right. He hated to admit it, but the red-headed wonder dug up something he overlooked. Maybe he was too caught up in his pride.

No.

Naruto was his bitch! He loved her, and he knew it.

"I love her," he stated as if he were completely sure of himself, "I won't give her up." He lounged back and a confident smirk appeared across his face.

"What about you?" Neji sneered, "Do you love Naruto?"

"No," Gaara stated simply, "In a friendly way, maybe. The brat needs someone to protect her sorry little ass when she gets herself in deep shit. I'm just there to scare away the evil people."

Gaara glanced detachedly at his watch, then stood up and dusted his trench coat off. "I don't know exactly what love is supposed to feel like. No one has ever cared enough to show me what it is," he stated numbly.

Neji's grin dissipated and he straightened up from his relaxed stance. He watched as Gaara turned to leave.

"I've never known what love is, and I don't think I'll ever learn. But I think I might know what it feels like, if only a little. When I'm with a certain person, I feel warm inside, like love is supposed to feel. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I talk to this person, even though I've hardly ever spoken to them at all. I've witnessed a lot of things in my life and recognized plenty of emotions. I don't think I've ever felt this way for someone, and I never will again."

"But love comes with pain. There is so much pain in my life that it has become my constant companion. But this is different. I can live with bruises, slashes, and broken bones because they will heal in a short time. It's the pain in my heart that will never heal."

Neji was giving him the 'and why should I care' glance. Gaara sighed inaudibly.

Stop trying, fool.

You're talking to the air…

"I'm sure a spoiled rotten rich bastard like you would never understand, but do you have any idea how a person could hurt so much? Do you have the remotest idea of what sort of pain this is?"

Neji didn't know what to think. Seeing the expression on his face, Gaara looked away detachedly.

"Perhaps this is the agony someone feels when they have all the love in the world waiting in their hands…"

Gaara's feet worked and he walked slowly, purposefully away.

"…and the only one they can give it to…"

"…is too blind to see."

----

Naruto strolled into class early. He wanted to get a few finishing touches on his first art project before it was due.

Perry Sensei was reclining at her desk, typing madly on the computer. She looked up from her work curiously. Seeing the golden-haired girly-boy at the door, she returned her attention to her work as if he wasn't important enough to worry about.

At first glance, it would seem as if she and Naruto were the only people in the room. When the blonde was retrieving his folder from a disorganized pile, however, he felt a pair of dark eyes burning identical holes in the back of his sweatshirt.

Puzzled, he twisted his head around to find two people sitting in a dark corner. One had his hair up in a ponytail, and Naruto immediately recognized him as gopher-boy.

The other? The other was a rather unimpressed looking, dark-haired, pale-skinned boy. Naruto noticed with interest that there was a whimsical strand of hair dangling right in front of his nose.

Sasuke looked as if he were expectant of something.

Naruto blinked.

Ah, yes…

The phone call. He must've gotten the message.

Naruto waved like the hyperactive gerbil he was, and felt rather ashamed of himself when Sasuke gave him the 'you are such a fucking dumbass' look. He wandered over to Sasuke, taking each step forward with an oddly determined look in his eyes.

The infamous Uchiha quirked an eyebrow and said nothing.

Naruto fell into the seat next to the Uchiha as if he didn't give a damn. This earned him a rather amused look from the stoic Sasuke.

Before speaking a word, he glanced over at Shikamaru. The lazy ass was fast asleep. Naruto wondered if he did that often.

"Um…" his indecision was clear in his voice while his posture suggested otherwise. "I take it you got my message."

Sasuke lounged impassively in his chair. "I did," he declared with a slight smirk gracing his lips.

Naruto felt uncomfortable. It felt just plain weird sitting next to Sasuke without flames being blown in his face. He distractedly played with his hair. "And?"

"And," Sasuke gave Naruto a confident leer, "I'm going to let you work for me."

_Let him?_ Sasuke was going to _let him_ work for him?

Naruto swore there was a divine aura of red light that flashed with every word he said. Sasuke was like God. He dripped power and control with everything he did.

Sasuke aloofly picked up a pencil and continued drawing what he was drawing. Naruto swore he heard the pencil cry, 'I will bend to your will, almighty God!' before it was picked up.

"Okay…" Naruto drawled out, still eyeing the pencil warily, "What should I do?"

"Come with me after school each school day. Dust my house, vacuum it, wash the floors, sweep, and do whatever else I want you to do," Sasuke commanded with his godly voice.

"Wash my car," he had a CAR?

"Do the dishes," Okay, he had a car, but he didn't have a friggin' dishwasher?

"And run errands."

What errands? How many things could this guy possibly need him to do? And how could he do all these things when he didn't have a bike, let alone a Ferrari?

Why the hell didn't he have a maid?

Maybe he let her go.

Right… he fired his maid so Naruto could go and clean his house for him. Wait a sec…

"I'll pay you according to how much you do, and how well you do it."

Oh, that could mean so many dirty things… the time he spent at his uncle's house was having an effect on his thought process.

"Alright, so when do I start?" he tried his best to sound confident.

"Today."

"What? That early? My mom hasn't seen me for two days-"

"If that's too early then I can always change my mind." He saw the look on the Uchiha's face and thought twice.

"Today's fine!" he squeaked a little too quickly.

"Good," Sasuke scraped the pencil against his paper. The only sounds were the clicking of a keyboard, the scratching of a pencil, and the snoring of gopher-boy. There was no foreshadowing of another conversation between Naruto and the stoic boy.

Naruto decided to get the hell away.

He mixed a few watercolor paints together and sat down at his table. Over the past few days, he had drawn a picture of a fox. It was a flaming, red fox with gigantic ears and nine tails. He didn't particularly know the reason reminded him of his mother, but nevertheless, when he looked at its face, he heard his mother's harsh voice.

"_Apologize? You've gotta' be friggin' kidding me."_

He wondered how Sasuke knew he'd be here early. Maybe Sasuke _was_ God! Naruto shuddered. If he really was, then the mere mortals of Earth were in some deep shit.

Especially him.

Naruto was in deeper shit than he cared to dig himself out of.

He took a fine brush and went over the painting with various details. Highlights and shadows. A sparkle here and an ember there. Add a little more purple to the background…

"After school."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow and glanced behind him. Sasuke was looking at him with an expression Naruto couldn't read.

"Flag pole in the front. Meet me there."

----

Well, that went considerably well.

How did she know he'd be here early anyway? Probably just a slip up on her part.

He watched the blonde's cute little ass as she zipped about the room, then took up temporary residence in her chair. She seemed rather absorbed in her work, but Sasuke knew from experience that she had something else on her mind.

She busied herself with meticulous brush strokes. Sasuke wondered what she could be so religious about. Maybe she signed up for this class because she liked art, and not just because it was an easy credit. Shikamaru was too lazy for art. Sasuke figured the slob signed up for it because he thought he could pass.

He wasn't going to do much passing with his head on the table, though.

Why was Sasuke in art? It gave him something to do. All his frustration was kept inside of him during the school day, so he figured he'd murder a piece of paper in the most imaginative way possible. He wasn't nearly as stressed out when he had something with which to occupy his mind.

That also explained why he was such a fruitcake.

Heroine was something that made all his problems melt. When he was high, Itachi disappeared. The blood smell all over the carpet drifted away. The dull throb of the scar on his neck faded.

His pesky memories were dragged around a dark corner and quietly suffocated.

He also had dreams about pink dolphins, blue mailboxes singing Disney songs, and a Necrophiliac who loved to perform Chinese water torture on him, but that was irrelevant.

He had a dream once that Kisame really was a shark, and he was swimming around a kiddie pool, eating everyone in sight.

He knew Kisame would like to hear about that one.

Kisame's fantasies come true…

Sasuke wondered distantly if the shark-man really ate babies. He probably did it for kicks.

He boredly surveyed his picture. It was a black, white, and red composition. Hitler, a railroad going over a cliff, a knife, a mad cat, Lady Liberty, a mockingbird, and a few stray splotches of blood.

Express your feeeeelings Sasuke-kuuuuun…

You want to know my feelings, little miss psychotherapist? Give me that sharp looking pen on the corner of your desk and I might show you…

Psychotherapist.

Psycho-the-rapist.

There he had it. Psychotherapists were psycho rapists. He wondered if that was an intentional clue. That would definitely explain a few things.

Students were arriving. They slowly dribbled through the door. One by one they scooped up their shit and sat in their normal seats. Naruto was still adding finishing touches, it seemed.

Jesus, how many details in this little, insignificant picture could there possibly be?

Was Naruto a perfectionist or something?

The way she did her hair suggested she was quite the opposite. She was an intriguing personality, Sasuke admitted to himself.

Perry Sensei went about explaining their next assignment. Honestly, the thing could have been explained in less than two minutes, but the art teacher decided to go into detail about every word she said.

Class, we're making Mardi-Gras masks next.

You can use feathers, glitter, paint-

Mardi-Gras originated in the country of-

You know, when I was young, I went to a Mardi-Gras celebration in Germany and-

And if the stains don't come out of your clothes-

Azaleas are the most beautiful flowers I think-

Cinnamon is really-

Yadda yadda yadda.

Seriously. Sasuke didn't give a flying fuck about what she liked. She already told him how to make a mother-fucking mask, for God's sake. She beat the dead topic with a blunt stick until it was nailed six feet into the ground, buried it, dug it up, beat it again, burnt it, and then used a portable fan to spread the ashes all over the world.

The drab atmosphere in the art room inspired something unprecedented to happen.

Sasuke got a song stuck in his head.

Odd, Sasuke never got songs stuck in his head. He couldn't remember the words.

As the tune repeated itself over and over in his head, Sasuke couldn't help but feel frustrated that he didn't remember the words!

Something about a hooker…

And a dude in a dress…

And heroine.

Dammit! Get it out of your head, Sasuke! Think of something else. No hookers and girly-men in school. What other songs were there?

Think.

Think, dammit!

An old song maybe. Yes, he'd think of an old song.

Heroine…

Oh, screw it.

The damn thing was stuck in his head. It wasn't going to leave anytime soon. And when he forgot it, he'd think 'oh, I remember that there was something in my head earlier today,' and it would restart.

That happened to him a lot.

He would never admit it, but he got distracted more than everyone thought.

He hurriedly sorted through his backpack for another piece of paper. Perry-bitch was rambling on and on about her summer vacation while Sasuke scribbled on his paper. He glanced uncaringly over at Naruto. She was doing the same thing, only her work seemed to have more purpose to it.

She seemed deeply absorbed in her painting. She was probably better at art than he was.

No.

Sasuke was the shit, and that was that.

_The SHIT._

He was too good to paint fanciful flaming foxes. In real life, there were no fantastic fire creatures. Fantasy had no place in reality.

This was reality.

Perhaps Naruto hadn't noticed.

Perry Sensei gave up her speech, seeing as everyone was being put to sleep by it, and retired to her desk where she resumed her furious typing. She was probably e-mailing someone.

Or maybe she was writing a fanfiction.

But who in their right mind would write a fanfiction during school hours? He recalled then that most people working in this funny farm lacked a right mind.

----

The bell rang and school was over. Naruto waited until half of the class had left through the door. He then glided over to Iruka's desk with a mischievous grin plastered on his face. Iruka recognized the look and glanced warily at the approaching blonde.

"Soooooo…" Naruto casually leaned against the desk, trying not to look too suspicious, "Anything interesting happen today?"

"No," Iruka answered skeptically.

"Nothing at all?" Naruto rested his head in his hands and stared cross-eyed into the confused eyes of the teacher.

"No," Iruka knitted his eyebrows together, "why?"

"Oh, no reason," Naruto lied.

Iruka snorted, "Yeah, right. And that's why you're so eager to know what happened to me today. I suppose you're 'just wondering,' right?"

"Yep."

"You're impossible."

"Yep."

Iruka rolled his eyes. He tapped his pencil on the desk for a time, then quizzically turned his vision to Naruto, who was still there. Why was she still there? Was there something the crazy girl wanted from him?

He asked her.

She then popped back into reality and waved to him as she left for home. He stared at the place she had been for several seconds, blinked once or twice, then distractedly tapped his pencil against his desk again.

----

When Naruto walked out the front entrance of Konoha, the first thing he saw was a very unhappy Uchiha sitting cross-legged on the cement next to the flagpole.

He'd forgotten about their little deal.

Dark eyes cast a deeply displeased look in his general direction.

Oh, Jesus, help him now.

He laughed it off and traveled awkwardly over to Sasuke. "I was, you see, I wanted to-"

"You're late, Dobe."

Naruto tilted his head. _Dobe?_ What was that? Some sort of insult? Or maybe it was a pet name. Naruto couldn't decide which.

"I was talking to Iruka Sensei, _Teme!_" He retorted as he put his hands on his hips and drew out the vowels of the last word.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him.

"You've wasted enough of my time," Sasuke droned with disinterest, "now let's go."

Naruto stood in his place as the Uchiha walked off. He swore he saw the little blades of grass on the school lawn parting as Sasuke passed by. He jogged up to the dark-haired boy when he noticed he was being left behind.

Twenty or so minutes later, Naruto found himself gazing up at skyscrapers in the heart of the Konoha district. He'd been in the general area before, but never to Spencer Street. All of the high-rise apartment buildings screamed 'The people who live here were born rich, are currently rich, will be rich for the rest of their lives, and really won't give a damn if you get run over by a bus.'

He gawked at the expensive looking edifices with a look of awe mixed with sheer terror. How the hell could people afford to live like that?

He let out a surprised yelp as he bumped into something.

"Watch it, Dobe." Sasuke warned with a poisonous tone.

Dobe.

_Dobe Dobe Dobe!_

What the hell was it supposed to mean anyway? Oh well. If Sasuke insisted on calling him Dobe, then Naruto'd just have to call him Teme.

Naruto brushed himself off and pouted, "I wouldn't have run into you if you hadn't been in my way, Teme!"

Sasuke gave him a look, then walked over to the entryway of the most expensive looking building in the area.

Naruto rolled his eyes.

It all made sense.

Sasuke was the richest, most conceited bastard in the city. It only fit that he should live in the biggest, most badass apartment building in the city. And to top it off, he probably owned the nicest, most luxurious apartment in the building.

Damn!

Naruto's jaw dropped as he stalked through two of the most decorative glass doors he'd ever seen.

The apartment building had a lobby.

And boy, was it huge.

A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling and sparkled like what Naruto imagined was an enormous disco ball. There were leather chairs, coffee tables, pictures, and a gigantic library-style fireplace.

He gaped at the expensive looking interior of the building, then at Sasuke, who seemed to be quite satisfied with himself.

Naruto followed Sasuke to the elevator like a lost puppy. He cast wary and awe-inspired glances around the halls. The heavy oak doors were few and far between, which led him to believe that this building had rooms three times the size of his house.

Chances were, the rooms were three times as big as his house.

His house was small looking, but it had two and a half floors. He counted the basement as a floor, and since the second floor was smaller than the rest of the building, he called it the half floor.

They reached the shiny doors of an elevator.

Sasuke did the honors of pushing the button to the top floor.

Or at least Naruto thought it was the top floor until he was informed that there was a staircase that led to his apartment. Sasuke had his own private floor

Well, wasn't that special.

Naruto gazed at the oblivious Uchiha as the elevator hefted them up umpteen floors. The bastard had _everything!_ He had his own floor, his own apartment, his own car, his own fridge, his own everything, and no parents to bother him! To top it all off, he had all the money in the fucking world! Yet everyone said his life was horrible. How the hell could his life be horrible? The rat bastard was perfect! What could possibly be wrong, right?

The elevator dinged and Naruto poked his head out the doors.

"The stairs are at the end of the hall," Sasuke pointed out. Naruto nodded and followed mister tall-dark-and-perfect down the long corridor.

A door opened and an old lady wobbled out into the same hallway. Her wrinkles turned upward in a friendly smile. "Good afternoon, Sasuke-san," she said in a warm, worn voice.

To Naruto's surprise, Sasuke bowed ever so slightly as he walked past. Naruto just waved at her and the old woman's coffee-stained smile broadened. She said nothing more though and continued to hobble down the hallway.

Naruto and Sasuke traveled up the small staircase and to Sasuke's door. The black-haired one sorted through his endless supply of keys and opened the door.

Why did the bastard have so many keys?

"Ummm…" Naruto's eyes surveyed the living room of Sasuke's home. He cautiously removed his shoes and explored the place. "Do you have a phone I could use?"

Sasuke crossed his arms and quirked an eyebrow.

Duh!

That must have seemed like the most moronic question known to mankind.

The bastard had a friggin' car! Of course he had a phone.

Smart, Naruto. Real suave.

"Can I _use _your phone?" Naruto whined. Sasuke pointed to the phone on an end table next to his couch.

"Thanks…" Naruto prowled over to the phone and picked it up. He stared at the thing like it had come from Mars.

It had too many buttons!

Wasn't technology supposed to make things simpler?

"Here," Sasuke sighed exasperatedly. He took the cordless phone from Naruto. "First dial the number, then press this button. When you're done, press this button again. Got it?"

Naruto nodded.

"Good," Sasuke threw the phone back to him, which Naruto dove and caught. He glared peculiarly at Sasuke. How could he do such a thing to his phone? It probably cost him a ton! Poor abused phone.

Poor baby. I'll protect you from Sasuke.

He's eeeviiil…

Sasuke rolled his eyes as he watched Naruto dust the phone off. The blonde saw him vanish around a corner.

He dialed his number and pressed the call button.

As he listened for his mother, he took his time to admire Sasuke's interior decorating. The walls were either white or a nice blue color. He had blue furniture, with the exception of the couch, and a comfy-looking white rug over a wood floor.

Unlike his house, Sasuke's house was clean and orderly. There was nothing cluttered in corners or in little mismatched piles on the floor. His white rug was spotless, and there were no fingerprint marks on the walls. Naruto couldn't understand why he needed a maid if his house was clean anyway.

Naruto was brought back to reality by a familiar voice on the phone, "Uzumaki residence, Kyuubi speaking."

"Hi mom," Naruto whispered.

"NARUTO! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU LAST NIGHT! I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU!"

Naruto laughed nervously, "I spent the night at Gaara's. I figured you'd still be mad at me. I'm sorry."

His mom was in hysterics, "Oh Naruto honey I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay, really…"

"No it's not. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you…"

"I'm fine mom, really. I'm at Sasuke's house right now."

"Whaaaaaat? You're kidding," Naruto's mom coughed a bit.

"Cut down on the cigarettes," Naruto chided, "In a few years you'll sound like a dying cow."

Kyuubi ignored him, "So how are they?"

"They?"

"The Uchihas! They're filthy rich, right?"

"Umm… I hate to break it to you, but they're all dead."

There was a deep silence on the phone. Naruto finally heard his mom's quizzical voice on the other end, "What?"

Naruto sighed, "They all got murdered."

His mom flew into mother hen mode, "How's Sasuke? How does he look? What does he do? Poor thing!"

Naruto was moderately surprised that she had a mother hen mode. Then again, he supposed it was only the nature of girls to put family first in situations like this.

"How long ago was this?"

"A long time ago."

"Why don't I know any of this?"

"We don't get the paper and we're too ghetto to have TV, remember?" Naruto smiled.

"Maybe we should get a TV. What do you think?"

"That'd be cool. Then I don't have to bug Gaara and watch his."

"Then of course I'd have to cut down on your fashion budget," Kyuubi hesitated.

"That's okay," Naruto reassured, "I've got lots of clothes."

"Well, tell Sasuke to take it easy," Her voice scratched.

"I will, mom," Naruto assured her, "bye."

"Bye."

The blonde hung up.

----

Sasuke was in his dining room with an ear to the wall.

He didn't want to feel sorry for the blonde idiot in his living room, but he really couldn't help it.

She didn't have a TV.

How heartbreaking.

"You done yet?" he droned in his usual 'I don't give a fuck' tone of voice. He heard Naruto set the phone back on its podium with a muffled click. "Yeah," she replied.

Sasuke walked into the room wearing his usual expression of flat-out-aloof-not-nice-ness.

"So," the blonde began, "what's going on?"

Sasuke tossed Naruto a washcloth, "You can start by dusting my kitchen."

Sasuke watched as the clueless little girl stared at the rag, then at him. She gave him a quizzical look and he rolled his eyes, "A damp washcloth works better than a duster. Not as dirty."

Naruto gave him a look as if to say 'Oh… riiiight.'

Sasuke paid the blonde girl no heed and grabbed his remote off the coffee table. He reclined in another stylish chair and pushed a button on the remote. His fifty inch plasma screen TV blinked to life and he flipped through the channels.

For a long time he heard nothing but the buzz of electricity. After a while though, he heard Naruto shuffle into his kitchen.

When he knew she was out of earshot, he sighed heavily and sank back into his chair.

What was he thinking?

With that girl at his house, he couldn't do anything. His arms shook slightly.

No drinks.

No heroine.

No nothing.

Dammit! He punched the arm of his chair. Brainless, Sasuke. You didn't give this much thought. Maybe he could sneak a beer in. All he'd have to do was hide it between the cushions on the chair.

But getting high was out of the question.

There was no way he could shoot up without the blonde noticing. Maybe just a little…

Nope.

That wouldn't work.

She was bound to bounce in when he still had the needle in his arm. He had the worst of luck.

He opted to sneak a beer. He slunk over to the large Sakura blossom-

_-Cherry blossom-_

-Painting on the wall. He glanced over to the kitchen where he was sure Naruto was busy at work. Twenty four… forty six…

"Saaaaaasukeeee?"

Bitchcuntshitmotherfuckingdammit!

"Yes?" Sasuke was more than annoyed. He yanked the hulking picture back into its place just as Naruto's innocent little face appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Should I dust the cabinets too?"

"Dust everything."

"Okay."

Naruto vanished back into the kitchen. Sasuke sighed and hurriedly twisted the lock again. Twenty four… forty six…

"Saaaaaaaasukeeee?"

What the hell?

"What?" Sasuke hissed irritably.

"You have way too much dust in your house. It scares me."

Sasuke stared blankly at Naruto. Why the hell should he care? He bothered him just for that? The corner of his lips twitched. "Get to work," he said in an overly harsh tone.

Naruto squeaked and once again disappeared into the kitchen.

----

Chibi Naruto: I don't have a TV! –cries-

Me: Sorry for the wait. I'm getting slower and slower each day, aren't I? Anyway, I got addicted to Samurai Champloo over the weekend! It's such a kickass show! And it has good urban music! W00t! One of these days Mugen and Jin will get hungry enough to eat Fuu and take over the world! Muahaha!

Chibi Naruto: O.o

Chibi Gaara: Want cookies? Naruto didn't eat them all! Aren't you happy?

Chibi Sasuke: My cookies… you will have to come through me to get to them! Muuahahaha!

Me: Sasuke! Don't rob our reviewers of their cookies! Bad Sasuke! –hits Sasuke over the head with a paper fan-

Chibi Gaara: Rest assured Sasuke will NOT get in your way if you review.

Chibi Sasuke: What are you going to do about it, hm?

Chibi Gaara: -gives Sasuke the evil eye-

Chibi Sasuke: -backs away-

Chibi Gaara: Pansy.

Chibi Sasuke: Say what? –pounces-

Chibi Gaara: Naruto! End the rant, quick!

Chibi Naruto: How?

Chibi Gaara: What do I always say?

Chibi Naruto: Oh! Right! Review, review, review!


	7. 7: The butterfly and the shark

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer:** Maybe if I give them cookies… naw…

Chibi Sakura: You'll never own the show or the manga, you know.

Me: Shut up! I can dream… -sniffle-

Chibi Sasuke: Aw dammit! You made her cry again! I'm nauseous…

Chibi Naruto: -pats Swirl-chan on the back-

Chibi Kakashi: Write the chapter already.

Me: YES!

-dramatic music ensues-

Me: I may not own the characters, but the fic is MINE! I own the story! And the plot! And all the redundant wackiness therein!

-record skips-

Me: And I will forever be free to- wait a sec. Why is it skipping? Damn cheap vinyl!

Chibi Naruto: -claps-

Chibi Sasuke: Screw it.

Chibi Sakura: You have issues.

Me: -kicks record player-

Chibi Kakashi: Well, while that's going on, here's another chapter for you all to enjoy.

Chibi Gaara: Yes! And thanks to all you reviewers! You make Swirl-chan's life go 'round. If it weren't for you, she'd probably be cold, homeless, and lonely living in a cardboard box somewhere in Nevada.

Chibi Kakashi: She'd probably be smoking pot too.

Me: I'm allergic to smoke.

Chibi Kakashi: You'd do it anyway.

Me: Quiet, you.

Chibi Gaara: And now for something completely different. The seventh chapter. Read, review, relax.

**J L H 7**

The weekend was rather uneventful.

Naruto spent the majority of it asleep in his room. Every once in a while he woke up, but that was only because his stomach was loud enough to wake the dead.

Naruto wasn't the dead.

He slept like it though.

Once or twice during the weekend he got up, ate something, then went straight back to sleep.

Sunday night, his mom was nowhere to be seen. When Naruto was digging in the refrigerator for a glass of milk, he found a note attached to the carton.

_I'll be out for a while. Get yourself something for dinner._

_If it's morning, then get yourself some breakfast._

_-Mom_

Naruto yawned, folded the yellow note in half, and then threw it on the floor. He was used to this sort of thing. His mom left at random and came back a morning later. He didn't bother her about it. The blonde didn't bother his mom about much of anything. She had her life and he had his.

No big deal.

He was always alone, but he didn't mind anymore. He was alone all the time.

Even at school.

Even in the crowded hallways where people pushed and shoved just to get from point A to point B. Even in his own home he was all by himself.

There were times he got lonely. As a matter of fact, he used to get lonely all the time. To top things off, he didn't have the company of a television to keep him entertained.

Now he was at school again. He wasted his entire weekend sleeping. He hit himself several times for doing so.

Naruto, du bist einen Scheissekopf.

Heh heh.

German was fun.

Making fun of himself was remotely fun too.

But one thing that Naruto didn't enjoy in the least was being hung by his feet by the overhead canvas.

He pouted crossly as he watched the upside-down world rocking slowly back and forth. He could feel the blood draining from his toes and into his head.

It was a good thing he'd worn his jeans today.

Zabuza was pacing around the aisles of students, who all stared at him with looks of horror or confusion. He was saying something about the result of not turning their homework in.

Naruto hadn't done his homework.

And now his feet were duct-taped to the iron casing on the overhead canvas. This casing was roughly six or seven feet above the floor. Naruto was about five feet tall. This left him plenty of space to dangle helplessly and attempt to wriggle free of his prison.

Well, his day was turning out to be a lovely one indeed.

Through his fuzzy vision he could see the math teacher from hell handing Haku a whiteboard marker. The boy meekly received the marker and stood up on the floor. Zabuza waited patiently in the shadows behind him.

Haku looked at Naruto, then at his teacher, then back to the helpless blonde. His brows turned up in an apologetic look and he smiled. He mouthed his apologies before taking aim at Naruto.

The helpless boy quirked an eyebrow and 'hmmned' through the duct-tape on his face.

He closed his eyes when he figured out Haku meant to throw the thing at him. He felt the sharp sting of something brittle hitting his shoulder. Then he heard the class's stifled laughter combined with the clacking of a marker on the tile floor.

He cracked an eye open to see Haku mouthing something along the lines of 'sorry.' The dark-haired boy bowed slightly to Zabuza, then sat back down. Zabuza looked satisfied.

Well then, good for you, mister-anger-management-problems!

Naruto stared accusingly at Haku, who only shrugged his shoulders with the most innocent look on his face that he could muster. Naruto found himself very annoyed at the cross dresser.

Of course, who knew what Zabuza might have done if Haku had refused?

Zabuza might have burnt him to a crisp and eaten him for dinner.

Maybe Zabuza ate kids.

Eeww…

At the end of class, Haku cut Naruto free. Zabuza would have no part of it. He sat at his desk with his feet propped up, scowling like he'd just eaten something terrible.

Maybe he had one of those kid bones stuck in his teeth or something.

Eeww…

"Why'd you throw the marker at me?" Naruto whined when they were out of earshot. Haku sighed, "I don't want to disappoint."

Naruto frowned, "What does that mean?"

"Certain things are expected of me. That's all. I tried not to hit your face though. I didn't want to hurt you or anything."

Naruto snorted, "Oh, right. Does the rest of the school board know about this?"

Haku laughed, "Yeah, they do."

The blonde's jaw dropped, "Then how come they don't do something about him?"

Haku tilted his head, "And where would they be then?"

Naruto crossed his arms, "Come again?"

"You don't know? You haven't heard?" Haku sounded shocked.

"Heard what?" Naruto asked irritably.

Haku smiled faintly and stared at his feet, "Master Zabuza is from the Mist district," he added silently, "like me."

Naruto once again had to pick his jaw off the floor. He may not have had a TV, but everyone knew what the Mist district was. It was the ultimate ghetto. Shootings and robberies happened on a daily basis. It was the center of the drug trade and the home of notorious Mafia-like gangs.

"It's no secret that he was once part of the Mafia. Everyone's too scared to even walk in his shadow. Even the police are afraid to face him."

"Then why on Earth is he a teacher? And why did anyone hire him in the first place?" Naruto waved his arms around like a fanatic.

"The school board is just a bunch of measly pushovers. Tsunade, the principal of this school, was the only one to speak up about it. She was overruled though. As for the reason he's here, he's just biding his time," Haku replied.

"Why?"

"He's on Gatou's list. He's waiting for the heat to die down before he kills him."

Naruto looked on in disbelief. Who was this Gatou guy? And what was this about a list? He asked Haku.

"Gatou's the boss of the Mist district. He's the leader of the biggest gang around," the boy paused, "but I'm afraid I can't tell you everything."

Naruto was puzzled.

"I'm the only person outside the Mafia who knows any more about Zabuza and Gatou."

"Oh," Naruto focused on the floor. This guy was scarier than he thought.

Creepy No-brows really had a reputation.

"Why do you like him so much?" he inquired suddenly.

Haku's attention was directed to the floor as well. He sighed, "I grew up in the Mist district. My family was poor like every other family around us. My dad went into the drug dealing business to raise money for my mother and me."

Haku's eyes darkened, "Then one night, he went crazy. He beat my mother. I heard screaming, so I came running. When I saw what was going on, all I knew was that my dad was beating up my mom. I loved my mom, you know. I loved her so much that I grabbed my father's gun, the one he took with him everywhere just in case, and I shot him with it.

"I shot him in the leg the first time, but when he got up with the intention of killing me, I aimed higher and shot him right between the eyes."

Naruto gaped. Why was he telling him this?

"He never got up again," Haku whispered.

The blonde boy looked into the other's eyes, expecting to see tears. When he was met with nothing but bitterness, he felt profoundly confused.

"Neither did my mother," He whispered, "She died from her injuries.

"I left my house before I knew what it was that I had done. I cried so much in those days I was alone, that I can no longer see the use of crying. My tears will never give new life to those for which they fall.

"Everywhere I went, I was disregarded. No one wanted me. They looked at me like I was a sewer rat. Everyone tossed me out. I couldn't blame them. There was no place in the world for a murderer like me."

Haku's face brightened somewhat and a smile graced his rose-red lips, "As I wandered through the district, I ran into Zabuza. He didn't look at me as if I were the scum of the Earth. He reached a hand out to me, and I took it."

"Zabuza saved me," he smiled sweetly, "I owe him my life, so I have devoted it to him."

Haku's smile broadened and his eyes softened, "And my life will forever be his until the day I die."

----

Sasuke yawned.

It was lunchtime, yet he felt as if he would crash to the floor at any moment.

Damn heroine.

It's all your fault!

Kisame put something in it. He knew it. The bastard was always experimenting with different things.

Maybe he put coke in it.

Naw…

Sasuke opted to mill around in the hallways during lunch. He never felt compelled to eat lunch, and today he knew if he saw a slice of pizza he'd barf.

Drugs were screwy that way.

"Saaasuke-kuuuuun!" he heard the incessant crooning of his unofficial fan club. Apparently he'd walked down the wrong hallway.

Ino skipped over to him. Her ridiculously long hair flipped about behind her like the tail of a hooked fish. "Good afternoon, Sasuke-kun."

Okay, now _she _was rhyming? It was too much.

"Would you, um…" she blushed and shuffled her feet. Sasuke huffed to himself. Why was it that he attracted stupid people?

"Would you like to eat lunch with me, Sasuke-kun?" she said timidly.

The boy rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not hungry," he explained uninterestedly.

"O-oh…" Ino deflated. She picked herself up in no time though. "Some other time then?"

Sasuke wasn't in the mood to be a selfish son of a bitch, so he waved her off, droning, "Some other time."

He could tell that Ino was ecstatic. He heard the clacking of high-heeled sandals as she hurried back to her clique.

Art class was boring as usual.

Shikamaru was going to drown in a puddle of his own drool if Sasuke didn't wake him up. He whacked him over the head with a ruler and the lazy bastard was wide awake. Sasuke was deeply satisfied.

He glanced over at Naruto. He'd noticed that the class was unusually silent today. The reason being? Naruto's motor mouth seemed to have run out of fuel.

Even Gaara cast a few apprehensive glances at his friend. She had an unusually sober look in her eyes. Sasuke was thoroughly weirded-out when the chipper girl didn't say a word the entire period.

Jesus, she was being quiet!

He looked out the window and was mildly surprised that there weren't meteors falling from the sky.

Health class came and Naruto was slightly more talkative. Sasuke was inwardly relieved that she wasn't deathly ill.

He'd have no one to wash his car.

Or do his dishes.

He'd be screwed.

Then again, he'd also have the time and the seclusion to get high.

Hmmm…

Clean house.

Heroine.

Choices…

Naruto was chatting a little more to Neji now. There was a problem though. Neji didn't seem like he wanted to talk back. He was being friendly from Sasuke's point of view, just not talkative. He seemed like he had something on his mind.

Kakashi was sitting lazily at his desk as usual. His nose was still buried in his favorite book.

Sasuke wondered why the hell a few printed words on a few pages that were glued together could be so fascinating. Kakashi was constantly absorbed in the thing! He swore if the silver-haired teacher put the book down he would stop breathing and writhe on the floor like a fish as he died a horrible, asphyxiated death.

That would be extremely entertaining.

Put the book down, Kakashi.

Add a little spice to my day.

"Naruto?" Sasuke heard the Hyuga speak up.

Naruto answered with a puzzled, "What, Neji?"

"Naruto, it's been nice."

Sasuke's heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened.

"What do you mean, Neji?" Naruto whined skeptically.

Neji sighed heavily, "You know, Naruto, you're really nice. You can be a little annoying sometimes when you talk too much, but I suppose I like the sound of your voice anyway. I don't hate you," Neji paused and drew a breath, "but I'm not sure I love you either."

Neji was going to break up with Naruto.

"What do you mean?" Naruto raised her voice. She sobbed after a moment, "Neji? Are you- are… you…"

"Like I said, I don't hate you, Naruto," Neji sighed, "I've been thinking over the weekend and-"

"You mean… you're gonna'…"

"Let's just be friends. We can still see each other, but we won't be dating or anything like that." He laughed to himself, "We were never really dating at all, actually."

"We weren't?" Naruto whined like an abused puppy.

"You're a good person, Naruto. When most relationships like this end, the two people involved distance themselves from each other. They never see one another again. I don't want to never see you again, Naruto."

"But…" Naruto whined, "why?"

"You try too hard, Naruto," Neji smiled apologetically.

"How?" Naruto whimpered in her pathetic voice.

Sasuke watched as Neji reclined in his chair. He wanted to dance out of the room, screaming like a lunatic. The only thing keeping him from doing so was the possibility of seeing Naruto slap Neji. He glued himself to the spot.

Neji, you bastard!

I won!

----

Gaara couldn't believe his ears. Was Neji seriously giving Naruto up? It was too good to be true.

Far too good.

Each passing second, he waited for the inevitable sly smile and the smug 'Psyche!' that Neji was bound to say anytime.

"You know," Neji began, "what people say about happiness being like a butterfly?"

Naruto nodded meekly.

"I think the same thing about love. Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit quietly on your shoulder.

"You, Naruto, might be trying to chase that butterfly too much. I'm guilty of that too. Love isn't something you just jump at and catch without thinking. You have to wait for it to happen."

Naruto looked like he understood, "Okay…"

Gaara blinked.

It was actually happening. This was the real deal. Neji was no longer in love with Naruto. Oh, heaven, thank you!

Of course he felt sad for his friend, but this was a breakthrough. He smiled to himself. Maybe Neji did take his advice after all.

"I think we've both learned a lesson from this," Neji admitted.

"Never chase butterflies?" Naruto smiled.

"Something like that," Neji grinned, "Let's not think of this as breaking up."

"You know," Naruto smiled meekly through his tears, "we never really did much. I don't think we can call it a breakup."

"You're right."

Gaara was astonished. His face betrayed nothing, but Gaara was indeed astonished. He figured Naruto would cry a river and drown them all. If not that, then at least he'd hit Neji in the face.

He did neither of the two, but Gaara suspected Naruto would want to have a good cry when he was out of school.

Chances were, he _would_ cry a river, but when he did, Gaara would help him build a bridge and get over it.

Good.

They were both happy. Gaara was happy too. Love was indeed like a butterfly, and if Neji felt like waiting for love to come, Gaara would become that butterfly and sit on Neji's shoulder for him.

----

That was it?

Naruto was just going to laugh it off?

Damn!

And Sasuke thought he was going to see some kick ass bitch-slapping action too…

He boredly turned his attention back to the wall. He was having a really shitty case of the Mondays. He would have to talk to Kisame after school. He knew his Heroine had something else in it.

Damn you, shark.

"Psst!" Sakura's snakelike whisper sounded behind him.

He twisted his head and flashed an indifferent glance. The moony Sakura was unfazed.

Honestly.

There were some people Sasuke wanted to see getting run over by a bus. After seeing it, he'd laugh at how much he really didn't give a damn.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura whispered, "Can I borrow a pencil?"

Said boy glanced downward to see a pencil hanging out of one pocket in her backpack. He guessed she'd done a shoddy job of hiding it before she asked him.

"There's one right there, Sakura," he announced pointedly, "And I bet you can use it."

Sakura blushed when she noticed the object lolling out from her pack, but grabbed it, pointed at it, and laughed like a kid who'd just been caught stealing at a candy store.

Sasuke marveled at her stupidity.

When she was done chuckling bashfully to herself, she decided to put the pencil to good use. She didn't ask any more of him, and for that he was thankful.

Good bitch, Sakura.

When class ended, he found himself stumbling out of the room. Well, he imagined himself to be stumbling. The world swayed when he moved and he felt as if the floor was a whole foot higher than it was supposed to be.

Damn shark!

Kisame was going to get it. Sasuke was going to deal a generous round of punches on his sorry little ass. Right now, Sasuke could care less that the drug dealer was a full three feet taller than him with a mean streak as wide as the Mist district itself.

He didn't care that Kisame probably ate shrimps like him for breakfast.

He didn't mind that Kisame probably weighed three times as much as he did.

He didn't care that roughly four-fifths of that weight was raw muscle.

And he didn't care that Kisame was part of the most feared gang in the known universe.

He flat-out didn't give a damn.

If Kisame was going to open this can of whoop-ass, he'd better have a glass.

Rhyming…

Die, Poetry! Go to hell!

He grumbled unhappily to himself as he collapsed into his chair in English class. He felt like he'd been run over by a steamroller, and to top it all off, he was having mild withdrawals.

Nope.

That heroine was _not_ pure. It was diluted with something. Sasuke knew it. It probably came from the west coast, and not from Philadelphia.

Kisame normally bought his shit from his buddy in Pennsylvania, but Sasuke heard that this buddy of his was in a tight spot. He was probably waiting for the fuzz to lay off a bit before stepping up sales again.

Sasuke hated west coast heroine. It was the least pure sort of smack he'd ever seen. Sure, it was pretty, but the quality was in the gutter.

Wasn't as strong.

It also had a menagerie of crazy shit in it. A bunch of chemicals that Sasuke couldn't spell, much less pronounce. He assumed that not even the people who discovered them knew exactly how they were pronounced.

He effectively hid his discomfort.

Iruka was explaining something about parts of sentences. Subject, verb, direct object, prepositional phrase… yadda yadda.

Déjà vu? He swore he heard this before. Come to think of it, every teacher from fourth grade had mentioned something about parts of sentences. English classes were like health classes. The teachers constantly repeated what everyone said last year.

Perhaps this was why Kakashi didn't waste his time in health class. He knew they had already heard it.

Sasuke felt like he was in the class of redundancy class.

Hah, class of redundancy class.

"Sasuke, could you kindly repeat what I just said?"

It figured Iruka knew he wasn't paying attention. English teachers were magical that way. He sighed.

"The subject," Sasuke droned, "is what the sentence is about. The verb is any word that describes an action or state of being. The direct object is what receives the action and therefore doesn't exist in a sentence without a transitive verb-" he took a breath, "A prepositional phrase states the location of an object. Examples being under the box, over the box, inside the box, behind the box, et cetera, et cetera."

Iruka's mouth opened a few times, like the mouth of a fish out of water, but then he shut it. Naruto's crystal blue eyes were wide as saucers. Shikamaru blinked as if he knew Sasuke would respond to the question in such a way, then put his head on his desk again. The female population of the class sighed and clasped their hands together in front of their hearts. The male population was silent.

"Anything else?" the wonder-boy said in his monotonous voice. Iruka only resumed explaining the world of English to the students. Sasuke got the feeling that he wouldn't be bothered for a while.

Good.

Memorizing his notes in sixth grade was finally paying off.

----

Holy shit!

Sasuke really was God! Naruto let out a little gasp. Or maybe he was Jesus! Yes! Jesus was here to take them all to heaven!

Or maybe Sasuke was the son of Satan.

Yeah, that was more like it.

It only figured that Satan would get jealous. If God got to have a son, why couldn't the Devil?

It seemed to Naruto like God and Satan were women. It made sense though, the way they constantly bitched to one another. When Armageddon came, they'd both be having PMS at the same time.

Poor Sasuke.

He had one hell of a mom.

Iruka gave them all a few pages of notes to copy. Naruto didn't like notes, so he pretended he was writing them down. He later learned that it would have taken him about the same amount of energy just to copy them down.

But, as everyone but Naruto knew, he was a naïve little fool.

Naruto didn't feel like putting much effort into English class today. His enthusiasm had been stretched to its limit and his emotions were fried. He just learned of two traumatic things today. That was two traumas too many. One being there were people with more upsetting pasts than Gaara and he, the second being Neji really didn't like him all that much.

Was he really trying too hard? Naruto admitted that he chased butterflies too much, but why were butterflies so important? There was something about butterflies that made him want to chase them to the ends of the Earth, regardless of whether they liked it or not.

He was going to cry when he got home.

When the bell rang and school ended, Naruto cast a wary glance at the Uchiha. He had to go over to Sasuke's house again.

That apartment scared the hell out of him. The reason was irrational. The reason was trivial.

The reason was this: Sasuke had too much dust in his house.

Not even Naruto had that much dust! He actually lived in his house, and it looked that way. None of the counters were too grimy and his mom always kept the shelves cluttered and dust-free.

Sasuke, on the other hand, did not.

At first glance, his home was the best around. It seemed perfect. Beyond the lovely little living room, however, Naruto had second thoughts about Sasuke.

The tile in the kitchen had collected so much dust, that Naruto left footprints all around in it. There was a layer of powder a millimeter thick on the far end of Sasuke's counter. In his expensive, yet neglected cabinets, Naruto found a spider and the myriad of webs it had made for itself.

There was simply too much dust in that kitchen. Naruto didn't even have the time to clean it all on Friday.

It was as if Sasuke didn't live in his house at all.

The blonde noticed a few footprints in the dirt that were too big to be his, but they seldom came anywhere close to the far side of Sasuke's kitchen. Most of them led to the fridge or the microwave, and none of them ever led to the stove.

Maybe Sasuke couldn't cook.

What did he live on? Crappy Chinese?

It didn't seem right, though, for a person to eat such fattening food not gain a pound. He swore the black-haired boy was thinner than a toothpick and paler than a ghost.

He looked more poor than rich.

Weren't rich people supposed to be fat and happy?

Sasuke looked like he ate nothing and the only time his skin was touched by the sun was during his journeys to and from school.

Naruto saw the way the female percentage of the school looked at him and fawned over him. They thought he was Sasuke the perfect and invincible.

Naruto was still steadfast in his beliefs that Sasuke was either Jesus or Satan Junior, but he saw what women were too stubborn to see. He thought that maybe Sasuke himself was too stubborn as well. Why else would he look and act the way he did?

He knew Sasuke was sick.

He knew very well what sick people looked like. They were pale and skinny, their bloodshot eyes sunken into their skulls and their cheekbones jutting out like the Rocky Mountains from the rolling hills of dead grass on the range's eastern side. They looked like what Naruto imagined to be emaciated geckos.

Sasuke did not look anything like an emaciated gecko, his face was perfect, and his eyes weren't sunken in.

But he wasn't a golden-skinned sunflower either.

Sasuke was sick.

The blonde knew not why, but Sasuke was indeed, very sick.

He didn't act like he needed help. Those, Naruto concluded, were the people who needed help most of all.

Sasuke waltzed out of the room, not sparing Naruto a second glance. The blonde supposed he was supposed to meet him out front again.

He let the Uchiha go and wandered yet again over to Iruka's desk. He casually leaned over to Iruka.

"Sooooo…" Naruto aloofly examined his nails, "Anything interesting happen today?"

Iruka glared suspiciously at his favorite student, asking, "Wasn't that the same question you asked me on Friday?"

Naruto continued to absorb himself in his nails, "Just wondering. It's what friends do."

"Riiight… right. That's what friends do. I have a feeling you have something else in mind," he stared Naruto in the eye, "What do you want from me?"

"Just tell me about your day and I'll go away."

Iruka was still. "Fine," he sighed after a long silence.

Naruto triumphed.

"Well," Iruka said with a hand on his chin, "someone stole my lunch today. I looked in my desk drawer, you know, where I normally put it, and it wasn't there."

Naruto was just as puzzled as Iruka.

"I went around, asking if anyone had seen it. Everyone told me that some student probably stole it when I was daydreaming. None of them saw it."

Then, Iruka blushed furiously, "When I was about to give up, Kakashi-san popped out of nowhere. He gave me my lunchbox, saying he fought a couple of delinquents for it. I thanked him and I took it. When I looked inside of it, my sandwich was still there, but something else was there too."

Iruka screwed up his face, "It was a hot dog."

Naruto's eye twitched.

"I didn't think it was poisoned or anything, and I was reeeealy hungry. So I ate it. It was good!" Iruka grinned like an idiot.

The corner of Naruto's eye refused to stop twitching.

A hot dog?

What was Kakashi thinking?

Maybe he was suggesting something…

Oh, bad thought. Baaaaaaaaad thought…

Kakashi, you sick little rat bastard.

"Naruto? Are you alright?"

Naruto laughed it off, "Yeah, I'm fine. I've gotta' get going though!" he waved hurriedly to Iruka, "Bye!"

With that, he left the confused teacher to tap distractedly on his desk with his pencil.

"You're late again, Dobe."

That was the first thing Naruto heard when he stepped outside. He looked over to see Sasuke stationed once again in the shadow of the flagpole. He was all by his lonesome. Naruto got the feeling he liked things that way.

As he crossly stomped over to the Uchiha, he couldn't help wondering if he deliberately stayed out of the sun. He was sitting in the shade in his long-sleeved shirt with a collar and loose-fitting, long pants. Naruto knew he wore the collared garment to hide the hideous purple blemish that had appeared on his neck so suddenly one day.

He wondered how he got it.

Maybe he got bit by the spider he found in the kitchen.

Maybe he killed one of its babies.

Naruto heard from Gaara that the spiders in his basement always got revenge on Kankuro for squashing their families.

Kankuro deserved it.

Perhaps Sasuke did too.

"What's with the 'Dobe' thing anyway?" Naruto put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot in the dirt. Sasuke didn't reply. Instead, he brushed himself off and wandered in the direction of his house. Naruto followed with his arms crossed and a pout on his lips.

Stupid Sasuke.

Making up words just to make fun of him…

Well, Teme was a good word too!

Take that, _Teme!_

----

Sasuke reclined in his chair and the television blinked to life. He carelessly tossed the remote over his shoulder. He'd already told the blonde idiot what to do.

Finish cleaning his kitchen.

Since Friday, it had probably collected yet another thin film of dust. Needless to say, the air in Sasuke's house was full of shit. Orochimaru gave him an air filter, but he never used it. He never opened the windows or air-conditioned the place either. Air conditioning cost him money.

Sure, it was just a small amount of money, but it was still money.

He didn't open the windows because he flat-out didn't want to.

He heard Naruto humming to herself from his kitchen. He turned the volume up to drown it out. No matter how loud his television got, he could still hear her. Quite frankly, Naruto got the picture and stopped humming.

It was no good though. Sasuke could still hear humming. It wasn't Naruto's humming though.

Mom used to hum when she cleaned the kitchen.

It's all in your head, Sasuke.

Sasuke sighed heavily and turned the volume back down to normal. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. He needed more self control. Uchihas never lost their cool.

Never.

He lay back in his reclining chair and rocked back and forth. He felt sick. He was tired, his arms were cramping up, and he felt like he'd been bitten by a few thousand mosquitoes.

He growled irritably to himself. Uchiha Sasuke was_ not _having a good day.

"Saaaaaasukeee?" Naruto whined from the kitchen.

"What do you want now?" grumbled Sasuke.

"Can you cook?" the blonde questioned warily.

Sasuke felt like pulling Naruto's arms off and throwing her off of his balcony. "No," he gritted his teeth together, "I don't cook."

"What do you eat?" the stupid girl was poking her head into the living room now.

Sasuke twisted his head around and glared furiously at the intruding girl, "I eat whatever the hell I want to."

"Okay…" the girl blushed, squeaked, and retreated.

When she was out of earshot, Sasuke sighed again and slumped in his chair. He rubbed at his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. He was starting to feel nauseous.

This was bad.

He felt like a sack of potatoes which was being crushed by an elephant and slowly consumed by a colony of half-starved red ants.

He needed that heroine and he needed it now.

Right now.

"I'm going into my room for a while," he barked to Naruto, "don't bug me."

He vanished into the hall just in time to see a little blonde head of hair glance back at him with sparkling eyes.

----

Naruto blinked over at the place he'd seen Sasuke vanish. He couldn't stop staring. Long after Sasuke disappeared, Naruto's eyes were glued to the spot. The Uchiha was burnt vividly into Naruto's mind's eye, and the picture wasn't pretty.

Sasuke looked like a ghost.

His skin was white as snow and his hair glistened like he'd just taken a swim. He walked slowly like a robot with joints that were rusted stiff.

Naruto didn't think Sasuke knew, but he heard every single shaky sigh coming from that living room. Naruto was practiced in the art of listening when he wanted to.

His listening skills might have helped him in school, but during that time of day he opted to screw off. Naruto only heard what he wanted to hear.

Did Naruto want to hear anything about homework, the rotation of the earth, the color red, or the Pythagorean Theorem?

No.

Maybe the reason Sasuke was ill was because of the air in his house. The dark-haired boy kept all of his shades drawn, but when Naruto wanted to shed some light on the luxurious apartment, he could see the thin flakes of dust swirling around like the air itself was made of them.

Good Lord!

Didn't Sasuke ever clean his house?

What went on in here, or didn't go on, that made his house so goddamn dusty? Did Sasuke even live in his house?

Naruto was going to have to unleash the power of all of his mom's cleaning solutions on Sasuke's floor alone. He had some major shopping to do.

Naruto made up his mind.

He was going to steal Sasuke's money and go on a shopping spree. Now, any normal person who wasn't a Hypochondriac wouldn't consider a floor polish search as a shopping spree. Naruto, however, didn't give a damn.

There was always a chance that Sasuke would turn from a sickly little ghost to a daisy when his house was clean enough. There was absolutely nothing a little Windex and soap couldn't cure.

With that in mind, he continued his relentless scrubbing of Sasuke's countertops.

He was determined to make the kitchen sparkle along with everything else. The blonde had convinced himself that he was working himself to the bone for a good cause.

He was going to make Sasuke happy.

Naruto came to a spot on the counter that wouldn't come off. It was a discolored little thing that scratched against Naruto's washcloth every time he tried to scrub it away. He angrily scrubbed it over and over and over again. When he learned that the thing was too stubborn to come off with the washcloth, he resorted to drastic measures. He withdrew a fork from a drawer and scraped it across the counter. When the disgusting thing gave way, Naruto gave a whoop and a holler. He danced around the kitchen like a fairy.

Take that, vile splotch of what-cha-ma-call-it! I, the Great Princess Naruto, have slain thee in my quest to save the Lonely Prince Sasuke!

Warrior Princess Naruto. He cracked himself up.

Well, he was technically a prince, but for Sasuke, maybe he could be a princess. He was legally a princess, if anything, anyway. Stupid drunk, cheap doctors…

What sort of princess went out of her way to save a prince anyhow? Didn't a princess have nails to paint, dresses to wear, and dances to attend? Didn't they just love to wander cutely and curiously into the Forest of Ankle Twisting, Fainting, Getting Lost, Capturing, and Eventual Dying?

Naruto wasn't your normal, garden-variety princess.

Naruto was a _manly _princess.

Screw you, evil dragons and demons and stuff!

Naruto hummed again to himself as he exterminated the many vile demons and creatures residing in Sasuke's kitchen. There was work to be done. He found that Neji's little break-up speech flew away when he was in Sasuke's kitchen. Maybe all the extra work was just what he needed to get over it.

There was a spot here, a blotch there, the ages of which he didn't want to know. Some shit looked like it was at least a century old. Naruto made another conjecture about Sasuke.

Sasuke did _not _use his kitchen.

The microwave and refrigerator, maybe. That was all though. The rest of his kitchen looked as if it had been untouched for a millennium. Naruto wondered if his stove, oven, or sink even worked anymore.

When Sasuke didn't emerge from his room for quite some time, Naruto found himself getting worried. He was just getting some sleep, he decided after a while. The raven-boy wasn't feeling right, so he went to sleep. Good for him. He needed to rest up a bit anyway. It would help him get un-sick.

Naruto often needed to convince himself of these things to function normally. When his mom wasn't home for a few days, he'd say she was just having such a good time that she didn't want to come home. When Gaara wasn't acting like himself, Naruto would convince himself that he was just having a bad day.

When his pet turtle died, he said it was having a much better time in heaven.

Thus was the basis of Naruto's happy-go-lucky-ness. He was an optimist. Gaara told him once that he was a fool for being so optimistic, but that was just because he was having a bad day.

The counter was finally clean.

Naruto blew a puff of air against his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair.

And now for the cabinets inside the counter…

----

The air was cool, the wind was wet, and the streetlights shone brightly through the gloom. Naruto had gone home, and Sasuke was going to have a little talk with his finned friend.

Kisame was going to get it.

A little corner store came into view. Its little red sign was blowing in the wind. The lights were on, but he couldn't see anyone inside.

Peachy.

He was feeling slightly better now, though not as good as he could have been. He felt edgy because Naruto could've suspected something and chosen not to inform him of it. Maybe she knew.

Naw. She wasn't that smart.

West coast heroine. He hated it. Almost as much as he hated Kisame for selling it to him. He was going to give the bastard a piece of his mind.

He shoved the door open and swiped his shoes across the mat on the floor. A doorbell sound resonated from a little box connected to the door, the store's way of warning employees that a customer was present.

_Warning._ Not telling. Not informing. Warning.

Warning Kisame that he'd better start acting like a civilized, law biting citizen. And Kisame was a law biting citizen.

In the sense that he could take a piece out of any police officer who dared come within the reach of his arm.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in." Sasuke looked off to his side to see the bluish face of the shark-man hovering over the cash register. His smile revealed a mouthful of pearly white teeth. These were the teeth with which he took a bite out of the law. And when he did, it was only logical to assume that it hurt.

Sasuke glared menacingly into the face of death. Kisame's beady eyes shimmered, "I suppose you're not here on friendly terms, are you?"

"What sort of shit did you put in it?" Sasuke hissed.

Kisame's grin widened, "So you're a customer today?"

Sasuke knew the meaning of that last question. You were either Kisame's 'friend,' a customer, or dead. Normally, Sasuke was there as a friend. Tonight, he was a customer.

A dangerously pissed-off customer.

"What did you do to it?" He hissed again.

"Quite frankly, I don't know what you mean." Kisame leaned casually over the counter. This answer wasn't good enough for Sasuke.

"I think you know what I mean," his patience was wearing thin.

Kisame rested his chin on his fist, "No good, eh?"

"Not at all."

Kisame scratched his head, "Bummer. My friend on the east coast is having a bit of trouble. West coast is no good then?"

Sasuke slammed his fist on the table, "I hate it! I've been feeling like shit all day because of it! Everyone knows the west coast stuff is jack shit, but I know it's got something else in it and I think you're the one who put it there!"

"Calm down. You'll break your hand off the way you flail around like that," Kisame strolled over to the end of the counter and walked out into the store. "I really don't feel like fighting a pipsqueak like you right now," he cast a backward glance through a window, "but if you insist on being a spoiled rotten little prick, one of our friendly neighbors is going to call the fuzz on us."

Sasuke saw through the sarcasm and to the logic of that statement. "Fine," he spat, "but if you don't explain to me why that shit makes me feel terrible…"

"Don't make me break my foot off in your ass," Kisame sneered as he milled around the store. Sasuke growled. "Everyone knows," the shark droned, "that it would take me about half a second to break you in half." He turned around, "You know why I don't break you in half?"

"No."

"I don't either."

Sasuke grinned. Kisame's harsh sarcasm always made him feel better. The shark man saw this. "I suppose we're back to being buddies then?" he said while pretending to check something under the counter.

"I suppose," Sasuke relaxed on the floor of the store.

Jeez! Even things with different spelling could rhyme if they wanted to!

Kisame assumed his normal spot behind the cash register, occasionally counting his money before shutting the register again. "Anything new?" he asked with his eyes still burning holes into his dollar bills.

"Not really," Sasuke paused, "Well, at least nothing good."

"Ah," Kisame sparked a little conversation, "How so?"

Sasuke sighed and slumped tiredly on the floor. "Since last week I've had this girl cleaning my house for me-"

"How old?" Kisame cut in.

"Don't know. She's a freshman though."

"She hot?"

Sasuke didn't know what to say.

"Let me rephrase the question," Kisame smirked, "Has she gotten into your pants yet?"

"Bastard."

The shark smiled mischievously before unlocking the register again. It flew open with a metallic clink and he recounted all of the dollar bills he had.

Sasuke smiled to himself, "Anyway, she's an annoying little bitch. She's got blonde hair, blue eyes, a brain the size of a pebble, and her name's Naruto."

"Typical dumb blonde eh? Those are the best kind. Good to screw around with if you know what I mean…"

"Spare me the juicy details, please," Sasuke groaned.

Kisame scoffed, "How can you consider yourself a man if you can't handle a little kinky detail now and then?"

"I can handle it well enough," growled Sasuke, "I just don't want to hear about it."

"Suit yourself," the shark closed the register again. Sasuke listened as Kisame tapped his fins against its surface before he twisted the key and it opened again.

How many times did Kisame have to count his money? It wasn't going to go anywhere, and it wouldn't magically appear, regardless of whether or not he continued counting it like that. "Anything else?" Kisame snapped.

"No."

"That leech bastard been bothering you anymore?"

Sasuke shuddered and said nothing. He had to bury the thoughts that just popped out of his mental graveyard. Too many things he just didn't want to remember right then.

Way too many.

"I take it that's a yes," Kisame growled in a low voice.

Oh, damn.

Sasuke knew how to read the shark's emotions, and the low voice was telltale that he'd just said something terribly wrong.

"Yes," said Sasuke in a wary tone.

Kisame raised an eyebrow and ceased to fidget with his money, "He tried something again, I take it?" he didn't wait for an answer, "Son of a bitch. What was it this time? The funky voice? The slutty suaveness?" he leaned over the counter with a scowl, "He didn't try to get freaky with you, did he?"

Sasuke glared skeptically up at Kisame. "Since when do you care?"

"I have no idea," Kisame glared back. Sasuke knew he very much had an idea, but kept quiet. He rolled his eyes.

"He bit me."

"He what?"

Oh, shit.

Kisame was going monotone on him. If Orochimaru made it back from his business trip alive, the shark was going to devour him whole. He decided to speak his mind.

"You're going to kill him, aren't you?"

"Well, that seems logical, seeing as he's screwed around with my best customer. I'd enjoy ripping him limb from limb and eating his heart," his eyes brightened and his sardonic smile returned.

Sasuke knew this look too. It was the look of a magician with another trick up his sleeve. What dastardly trick it was, Sasuke didn't know. The shark's teeth glimmered like pearly-white death.

"But I think I know someone else who'd enjoy it more..."

----

Me: The end of another chapter and the beginning of some serious leech-ass-kicking action! Also, forgive me if I was being a bit emo-ish... maybe its just me, but I've been in a bit of a depressed swing as of late.

Chibi Sasuke: Muahahaha!

Chibi Naruto: -cries-

Chibi Neji: -pats Chibi Naruto on the back-

Me: I had a relationship like that once… It sucked! Although in that one the dude I liked was actually cheating on me with another girl. Damn you!

Chibi Naruto: Wuaaaaahhh! –hic-

Chibi Sasuke: Stop crying, dammit! I can't stand it anymore!

Chibi Neji: -glares-

Chibi Sasuke: -glares back-

Chibi Gaara: -insert glare of impending doom here-

Chibi Sasuke: You wanna' fight again? I'm really not in a good mood today.

Chibi Gaara: Sucks to be you. I'm having one of the best days of my life.

Chibi Sasuke: I hate you…

Chibi Gaara: I hate you too. –ahem- Now then… -tackles Neji-

Me: And while that's going on: You can have free pumpkin, cherry, banana cream, key lime, rhubarb, or any other flavor imaginable, PIE! Yes, free virtual pie for reviewers! There's still a cookie or two left if you don't like pie!

Chibi Gaara: Good deal, right? And as an added bonus, Swirl-chan has decided to give something back to you reviewers that isn't any sort of freaky virtual food! Review the story, and tell Swirl-chan a story of yours that you'd like her to review. She promises never to flame anyone! Don't feel like getting a story reviewed? Then you can settle for an extra cookie or another slice of pie. It's all good.

Me: Yep! I'll get to it as soon as I can.

Chibi Gaara: Swirl-chan lives for your reviews! Review, review, review!


	8. 8: Of butter knives and tranquilizers

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **Pie! I'll give them pie! They _have _to like pie!

Chibi Sakura: Down, girl…

Chibi Gaara: Yes, Swirl-chan. Calm. Down.

Me: Eheheh… heeheehee… Bwaahahahahaha!

Chibi Naruto: CRACK! She's on crack! Sasuke! Do something before she kills us all!

Chibi Sasuke: Why do _I_ have to do it?

Chibi Naruto: Pleeeeaase? –puppy eyes-

Chibi Sasuke: I don't want- Oh, no. Not the eyes! ANYTHING BUT THE EYES! Stay calm. Must… resist…

Chibi Naruto: -whines-

Chibi Sasuke: I can't take it anymore! –walks over to Swirl-chan and bops her on the head-

Me: X.x

Chibi Sakura: Hold on! If she's knocked out, she can't write anymore!

Chibi Naruto: -gasp- That's right! Whattrewegonnadooo! –runs around in circles-

Chibi Sasuke: Calm down. She can still write. She's doing it right now.

Chibi Sakura: …

Chibi Naruto: Ohemgee! You're right!

Chibi Sakura: -faints-

Me: I'm just here to express Swirly's feeeelings. That's me! Yep yep yep!

Chibi Sasuke: That's not friggin' fair! She can revive herself!

Me: I control _everything_ you and I do. Remember that. Now then… coffee?

Chibi Gaara: No. No more coffee for you, Swirl-chan. No. More. Coffee. Period.

Me: -pouts-

Chibi Gaara: Alrighty then. To the part of the story in which Swirly actually needs to dust her brain off and use it. To the eighth chapter!

**J L H 8**

Orochimaru flung his briefcase into a wall before boredly and gracelessly flopping down on his bed. It bounced. Ah, good, old-fashioned, expensive hotel rooms… He could smell money oozing out of the linen bed sheets.

Money!

And he was going to have a lot of it.

Soon enough, he was going to be richer than anyone. Sasuke didn't know it, but he was soaking up his money like a sponge. Sasuke was a fool. Sure, he was a pretty little fool, but he was still just a pawn in Orochimaru's little game. He'd just get closer and closer to the Uchiha until the kid finally gave in.

"_Oh, Orochimaru! I love you soooo much and you have such a tight ass! Here! Take my virginity and AAALLLLL my money!"_

He snickered to himself.

That was going to happen one of these days. Orochimaru knew it.

Yes, it was a verifiable fact that the leech was a dirty, rotten, and horny little bastard. Did he know this? Of course he did. It was _fun _being evil.

Orochimaru the shameless and fearless!

Well, maybe not fearless.

There were very few things he'd admit to being afraid of.

He admitted he was afraid of two things.

One, Orochimaru was afraid of butter knives, string, and bowling balls. He wasn't particularly terrified of them separately, but when he saw them all in the same place, that was a different matter. He was so afraid of these things for one reason and one alone. That reason just so happened to be the second thing he was terrified of.

Itachi.

When Sasuke was still only a year old, Orochimaru had to baby-sit his six year old brother. Sasuke wasn't a problem because he slept most of the time. Itachi, on the other hand, had a strong desire to be entertained. Orochimaru tried many things to keep him happy, including watching movies with him and even baking cookies for him.

Itachi was not impressed. He was not amused, nor was he entertained. Orochimaru's life changed one day when he asked Itachi what he wanted to do. Itachi was silent at first, as always. Then he went into the kitchen for a while and left Orochimaru by himself with the television.

He gave in and flipped through the channels. His eye was caught by a particularly infamous soap opera.

There was a woman, who we'll call Jane for the purposes of this explanation, and she fell in love with an Iraqi, who will be known as Alex. Alex and Jane were very much in love, but Jane's parents were Christian, and Alex was Muslim. They forbid her to marry a man of another religion, so Alex and Jane eloped. Jane, though, had been in a previous marriage. In this marriage she had a son, we'll call him Peter, and Peter is determined to find his mother and the man who stole her.

He searches and searches, but as the days go by, his body is slowly being consumed by these tiny little nanobots that a mad scientist put in his blood stream. Therefore, he has a limited amount of time to live. On his quest he meets a girl named Sally. They fall in love, but his 'illness' is getting progressively worse. Then, he finds out that Sally is a guy.

He screams, she screams, the doctor screams, and his great grandfather rolls over in his grave. After that, they find out that Sally is pregnant, which makes absolutely no sense at all.

Come to think of it, between the male pregnancy, alien abductions, bouncing fruitcake, nanobots, and freaky green clouds, nothing makes sense.

Anyway, Peter finds out that his mom has been captured by the Al-Queda and is being held hostage.

Yadda yadda yadda.

Where was he?

Oh yes.

Itachi had vanished and he was left alone, watching the aforementioned creative mental torture they liked to call a soap opera. He was still watching when he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head.

His mind went blank.

A while later, when he opened his eyes, he was very surprised that he couldn't move. He looked down. Apparently while he was out, Itachi had strapped him to the couch with his ridiculously long jump-rope.

Lovely.

He had repositioned the couch so that it sat just under his bookcase. How a child could move that massive piece of furniture with him on it was beyond him, but Itachi had done it.

As he further examined the bookcase, he was shocked to see Mr. Uchiha's favorite bowling ball dangling by a piece of string high above his face. The piece of string didn't look all that strong. Orochimaru started to sweat. His nose hurt just to look at it.

He was further thrown into a tantrum of worry when Itachi poked his head over the edge of the impossibly high bookcase.

Okay.

So the kid could push couches around, knock him out, and scale vertical walls?

This was too much.

He was like a friggin' _ninja!_

"Get down from there!" Orochimaru screeched like a harpy, "You might fall off and then I'll have to pay for it!"

He also wouldn't collect on the high amount of money the Uchihas offered for babysitting their children.

Itachi just smiled and said nothing. Instead, his actions spoke volumes to the fuming baby-sitter when he innocently dangled a shiny butter knife at him.

"What in the name of…" he blinked.

"Ohmigawd! You put that down _right _now, Itachi Uchiha, or I'll call your mom!" He couldn't call Itachi's mom, and Itachi smiled like he knew that.

You can't call mommy, silly! Not when you're all tied up like that!

Orochimaru, you moron.

Itachi's smile faded as he solemnly brushed the knife against the string.

Oh _HELL _no!

He was going to cut the string with the knife and drop the half ton bowling ball on his face! Orochimaru blinked. Then why would he be using a butter knife instead of a nice, sharp, pointy one?

Ah, yes, he realized with discomfort, he wanted him to suffer. Nice, slow, psychological torture.

Itachi, you little rat fink.

The sadistic little bastard wanted to watch him squirm. He wanted Orochimaru to plead for his life. It was working.

"Itachi! Please! Stop it! I'm warning you! I'll tell your mom and your dad if you don't stop this right now!"

Itachi was slowly dragging the little knife softly back and forth. He rested his head on his arm and stared bemusedly down at his baby-sitter.

"ITACHI!"

Zip-zap, zip-zap.

"I'm warning you, kid! If you keep doing that I'll-"

Itachi continued to saw away at the coarse string. The bowling ball swayed slightly.

Oh Jeezus no!

God spare me and my beautiful, flawless face!

Orochimaru flailed around, yelling fretfully at the sadistic Uchiha boy. Itachi paid him no heed and continued to scrape at the string. Orochimaru, meanwhile, was noticing that the bowling ball was sinking lower and closer. He could tell by the way it swayed, that Itachi was slowly cutting through each tiny fiber and watching them snap.

Itachi was looking down at him with a bored and unfazed expression while his arms worked away at the thread.

Snap, ping, poing…

He swore he could hear the string wearing away. He pleaded to an openly bored Itachi, who obviously didn't give a rat's ass. The boy sighed and draped the top half of his body over the edge of the bookcase.

All the better to see the bowling ball smash Orochimaru's face, he supposed.

Five more excruciating minutes went by and Itachi had since started humming to himself. Orochimaru had spent all of his energy and was grimly awaiting his fate. He stared up into Itachi's eyes. Itachi stared right back, still humming to himself.

Then suddenly, snap!

The bowling ball plummeted and Orochimaru screeched like a girl. Ohmigawd ohmigawd oh… hey. His face didn't hurt. He could hear Itachi's satanic giggling and the leech opened his eyes ever so slightly. The bowling ball was considerably lower than it used to be, but it was still hanging there.

And it was still hanging high enough to break his face.

Orochimaru was relieved that the ball hadn't hit him yet.

Yet.

There was the yet.

Meaning it was only a matter of time before the thing really did fall and crush him. Sure enough, Itachi began sawing at the effectively concealed second string. Orochimaru found his hidden reserves of energy and resumed the act of screeching and flailing.

In the midst of all this racket, Sasuke had woken up and was wailing fretfully at the other end of the apartment.

Shit.

Shit shit shit shit SHIT!

Orochimaru was going demand a ton of money for this. The Uchiha's were going to be broke after he sued them for all they were worth. His face alone would get him a ton of money.

Uchiha children were demons.

He saw a sly smile creep across Itachi's face. It took Orochimaru a while to realize just what was going on. Then it hit him.

Literally.

Snap!

Boom!

Crack!

Orochimaru barely had time to scream before the enormous ball crashed into his skull. Pain blossomed behind his eyes and his nose went numb for a split second.

Holy mother of Jesus!

The ball rolled away.

"Oooowwww!" He scrunched his nose up, "You broke my nose, you mother fucker!" Itachi only smirked.

Orochimaru's face stung. He felt as if he'd been hit by a meteor. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if his face was flat! His forehead felt like it was fractured, his cheekbones were probably flattened, and he wondered irritably if the bridge of his nose was bent. He knew he was bleeding, he knew he was in pain. Because of this, many colorful words rose out of the depths of his mind and found their way into his vocal cords.

While Orochimaru and the couch bucked and shook wildly, Itachi calmly climbed down from his perch. He took his precious time to gaze calculatingly at the wildly furious baby-sitter.

Itachi, it seemed, was quite happy with himself. He stood there and smiled with the twisted glee of a kid with a magnifying glass standing over an ant hill.

"You son of a bitch! You smashed my face!" Orochimaru screeched furiously, "You're going to pay for that! Untie me now!"

Itachi leered at him. "Do you _really _want me to let you go?" he asked him knowingly. Orochimaru's yelling persisted, "None of your fucking mind games, kid!"

"Okay then," Itachi distractedly walked off.

"Nooooo! NO! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!" Orochimaru whined pathetically.

Itachi peeked around the corner at his baby-sitter. "Oh?" he said, "So you _do _want me to let you go?"

All Orochimaru could do was nod.

Itachi moseyed casually over to Orochimaru. The man actually had a hope that Itachi was just going to untie him and get it over with.

Yet he seemed to have forgotten that Itachi simply loved games.

Oh, yes, did Itachi love games.

When he was about two feet away, he abruptly sat criss-cross on the floor. Orochimaru gawked, "So untie me already!"

Itachi was still a moment as if searching his brain for a response. He then appeared as if a thought just struck him. He tilted his head.

"No."

Orochimaru was in hysterics again. He really wanted to deck the Uchiha. He wanted to kill him for wrecking his face. He wanted to call a hospital. He wanted a band-aid. An impossibly strong jump rope was hindering his ability to do these things.

"Well then why the hell not?" little bits of spit were flying around in all directions.

Itachi pouted with a smug look on his face, "Because," he crossed his arms, "I want you to ask nicely."

"Just untie me, you fool!"

"Say please."

"No! I will not say 'please'!"

"Then you can just sit there."

"Your parents will be home soon, and they'll whip you good if they see me like this!"

"My parents would never do anything like that to me. Besides, if they did wonder why, I could always tell them that you tried to rape me and steal my brother, so I had to hit you upside the head with a frying pan."

"You're six, Itachi. You're not supposed to know what rape is!"

"So?"

"Just let me out!"

This struggle, if Orochimaru remembered correctly through all the mental trauma, lasted for a while until he finally condescended to say 'please.' Itachi then happily untied his jump rope and his parents came home that very instant.

They asked him what was going on, to which he replied that Orochimaru and he were playing pretend and were having a fun time doing so. After this, he proposed that Orochimaru should come over and baby-sit him more because he had a smashing good time playing with him.

Pardon the pun.

Orochimaru could only nod. He was too horrified to do much else. When they asked him what happened to his face, Itachi cut in, saying that it was an accident. His parents eyed him somewhat, but didn't push the matter.

Back in the present, Orochimaru absently tapped at his nose with his fingers. It still hurt.

That evening was the beginning of the end of his life. Orochimaru tried to stand up to the kid, but he had a knack for getting things just how he wanted them. Even if he had to knock his baby-sitter out. More string, bowling balls, butter knives, and other objects followed. When the Uchihas got home, Itachi would chatter away like he had so much fun.

Slowly though, Itachi's parents were beginning to realize the insanity of their own son. One evening, Mr. Uchiha called him up on the phone and asked him what all the scratches really were. Orochimaru was by no means any smaller or weaker than the six year old Uchiha boy, but that didn't mean Itachi wasn't a force to be completely terrified of.

He. Was. Scary.

That. Was. That.

End. Of. Story.

Orochimaru would think about telling the truth, but then think better of it. He'd laugh uneasily and tell them that they were accidents, just like Itachi said. The truth of the matter, though he would never admit it, was that Orochimaru was a baby. Sure, he could kick practically anyone's ass, but he was a coward. He was afraid of losing. He was also terribly afraid of what the six year old Itachi might do to him if he didn't agree with everything the kid said.

Itachi was a manipulative little mystery midget.

Not even his parents knew exactly how his mind worked. He wasn't like other kids, and preferred not to associate himself with them. Itachi wasn't normal, and he seemed to take great pride in that fact.

Ah, well, enough musing about his worst enemy.

Itachi was dead and gone. He told himself that every day. Itachi was no more. He didn't have any proof, but he didn't need proof. Itachi was dead, and that was that.

With that thought, Orochimaru yawned lazily and fell asleep.

----

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, Sasuke was having a positively shit-tastic week. Kakashi was continuing to torture him with the meaning of life incorporated into dodge ball. Sasuke had an average grade in his class because of it. Uchihas were not average! Therefore, their grades were not average!

Also, that damned piece of hair had driven him to the point of buying hair gel just to keep it from popping out in front of his nose.

His heroine was making him crazy, and he worried his little sentimental head off that Naruto had found out about it. What if she had? What if, what if, what if?

To add to the chaos, Naruto was halfway done with his house. The kitchen was sparkling, the living room was spotless, the floors all smelled like a mixture of pine trees and lemons, and he had been forced to make use of his air filter. Now, any other person would find this great. Sasuke wondered why he didn't think having a clean house was great.

Perhaps it was because the cleaner his house, the closer the sickeningly cute little Dobe was to being gone forever. Sasuke was surprised that he didn't want her to be gone forever. He never felt like this for any other girl.

Never.

He couldn't stand women for more than two minutes.

There were times he wondered if he was gay. Then he would mentally smack himself and repeat over and over that Uchihas were not gay. Besides, if he were gay, then his bloodline would cease to exist.

What would the world do without Uchihas?

The little voice in his head claimed that the world would go on like they never existed. Sasuke was alarmed at how much the voice resembled his older brother's. He shrugged it off.

School was almost over, and his arms were acting up again.

Shit-tastic.

He really wanted to go to sleep.

His eyelids drooped and he tried to push back a yawn that threatened to rise out of his chest. Maybe if he went to sleep, his arms would stop itching.

No.

Do_ not_ fall asleep during school hours. Weak, stupid people do that.

Sasuke fought a losing battle to keep his eyes open. He was failing miserably and his eyes were drifting shut. He gave in to the feeling and slumped onto his desk with his head buried in his arms.

How embarrassing…

He only heard Iruka's worried voice piping up uncertainly as he lost consciousness, "Sasuke? Are you okay?"

----

Naruto had a sinking feeling ever since last week that Sasuke was sick, and now he had proof.

The most perfect individual in all the earth had just fallen asleep during English class.

He looked exhausted, sort of like Gaara did before he put all of his eyeliner on. Gaara was an insomniac. Maybe Sasuke didn't get enough sleep either.

Iruka did as any good English teacher would do and smacked a book down on Sasuke's desk. Naruto flinched.

Sasuke didn't move.

"Sasuke!" Iruka crossed his arms, "Wake up! It might be two-fifty-three, but we still have seven minutes of class left!"

Sasuke was still.

Iruka's cross expression disappeared. "Sasuke?" He waved a hand in his face, "Yoo-hoo? You there?" He sat there a moment more. Naruto heard him mumble something about how he didn't seem like he was breathing.

Silence.

Naruto could hear someone stuttering in the back of the classroom.

When Sasuke still didn't move, a short, red-headed girl shot up in her seat. She screamed, "Oh God! He's dead!"

This sent the whole class into an uproar. Girls flew this way and that with their hands flailing around. Boys looked at each other the way people do when they witness a duck being run over by a car. Naruto sat apprehensively in his seat.

Was he really dead? Was Sasuke…

No! Sasuke wasn't dead! He leaped into the air hysterically like the girls were doing. "Sasuke-yarou! Teme!" he screeched, pulling Sasuke's hair, "This isn't funny, you dip shit!"

Sasuke did nothing.

In the midst of the tumult, Iruka was making an emergency call to the school nurse. While Naruto was shaking Sasuke, Shizune, the nurse, burst through the door, adding even more to the disorderly din that was the sixth period English class.

"Quiet! Would you be quiet, please?" Iruka's skittish voice begged to the panicking students. "Quiet!" he yelled louder, but no one was listening.

"QUIET!" Kakashi had heard the noise and was inspired to let go of his precious novel to see what was going on. He was now standing with his arms crossed in the doorway of the English class as it slowly went from a harpy's nest to a church in terms of clamor. "Much better."

Shizune thanked him. "What's going on?" she asked worriedly. The same girl who started the uproar raised a shaky hand, "He's dead!"

"Who's dead?"

"Sasuke's dead!"

Shizune was shocked for a split second. "Okay," she began calmly, "where is he?"

"There!" The emotionally traumatized girl raised a shaky finger to where Naruto was hovering over Sasuke's body.

As Shizune walked cautiously over to Sasuke, Naruto noticed that a crowd was gathering at the door. Kakashi kept them from entering the room and was calmly explaining what was going on.

"May I see him?" Shizune's voice cut into Naruto's thoughts. He spun around, then looked down and noticed that he still has a tuft of Sasuke's hair between his fingers. He quickly let go and stepped aside.

Shizune bowed slightly and walked right past him.

A thought hit Naruto. What if Sasuke really was dead? His stomach tightened and he raised an alarmed hand to his lips.

There were signs! Sasuke was looking a bit more pale than usual lately, and he always disappeared into his room for a time. Naruto had seen the signs, but he didn't do anything about it! He didn't think it was serious enough, and now Sasuke was dead!

It was all his fault!

"Naruto," Iruka was standing at his side, "you look like you're going to throw up. You want to leave?"

"It's my fault…" tears welled up in Naruto's eyes.

"What?" Iruka bent down to his eye level.

"I knew he was sick and I didn't do anything about it," Naruto backed up against the wall and fell on his ass, "I didn't think…"

"What are you saying, Naruto?" Iruka sat on the floor next to him in a concerned manner.

"I've been cleaning his house after school to pay him back for saying all those mean things to him. When he thought I couldn't hear him, he made all these painful noises like sighing and stuff, and he went into his room sometimes and never came back out until the next day…"

"What are you saying, Naruto?"

"I knew there was something wrong and I didn't do anything about it and I feel terrible!"

Now the entire class was staring at him. The girls gaped at him, "You went over to Sasuke's house?"

"That's not the point!" Naruto's tears were streaming down his face.

"SAAAAASUKE-KUUUUUUUN!"

Sakura shoved her way past Kakashi and charged into the room, "Where's my Sasuke-kun!"

Her eyes frantically searched the room before coming to rest on the slumped form of her beloved Sasuke. She gasped, racing over to him and dragging his limp body onto the floor. "Oh, Sasuke-kun!" she sobbed. Shizune and Naruto watched as she rocked him back and forth.

Shizune spoke up, "Sakura, can you kindly step away from-"

"No! I'll never let him go! Never!" Sakura sobbed and hiccupped. She sniffled, then raised a finger at Naruto, "You… you bitch! You killed him didn't you?"

Naruto hid his face.

He did kill Sasuke, didn't he?

Doing nothing when he knew there was something wrong with Sasuke…

It was the same as killing him, wasn't it?

"Look here, Sakura-chan!" Iruka stood up with a slightly embarrassed blush on his face, "Naruto didn't kill Sasuke! You have no proof, so stop blaming her for everything!"

Naruto looked up briefly with tear-streaked eyes. Iruka always defended him. He smiled a little. Good Iruka.

"Now let go of Sasuke, so the nurse can see whether or not he's really dead."

"No!" I'll never do it!" Sakura selfishly held him closer.

An argument ensued between the teacher, the nurse, and the student. The bell rang, but no one noticed. Naruto was left to cry silently to himself. He was upset. Sakura was so selfish! Did she think that she was the only one who cared about Sasuke? He got up off of the floor and stomped over to Sakura.

The argument subsided.

"Sakura?" Naruto clenched his teeth and growled at the possessive, pink, popular girl.

"What do you want now?" she hissed.

"You've had your fun crying over Sasuke's dead body. You've spent the past four minutes sitting there and you haven't said anything meaningful."

Sakura's mouth gaped.

"I have a few things I want to say," Naruto declared softly.

Sakura's brows knit together, "fine." She left Sasuke's body on the floor and sulked near the wall.

Naruto bowed curtly and knelt over Sasuke. It was awkward, but Naruto needed to get a few things off of his chest.

He looked sullenly down at Sasuke's face. He looked so peaceful… Maybe he wasn't in pain anymore. Naruto found himself repeating in his mind that Sasuke was happier now.

Just like when his pets died.

He always had to convince himself that they were still alive and well, just in a different place.

"Sasuke?" Naruto spoke through his tears.

The boy was quiet as death. Why shouldn't he be? He was dead, after all.

"I'm-" tears welled up in his eyes again, "I'm sorry."

"I should've known this was serious. I should've known you were dying," he hiccupped, "And I really didn't get a chance to apologize for everything. I feel awful, if that makes you feel any better…"

Stupid Naruto. You're talking to a corpse…

"I'm sorry I disrespected your family. I'm sorry I disrespected you. You're not ugly or stupid or any of the things I wanted you to be. I suppose in the end that I needed to make you look bad to make me feel better about myself.

"I never really said to your face that you were ugly. Truth be told, you aren't ugly at all. When I first saw you, I had to try to convince myself that you were as disgusting as they got," Naruto smiled faintly, "And even then I admitted that you had a nice ass."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Naruto picked the upper half of Sasuke's body off of the ground and hugged him like Sakura did. But his hugs were gentle and meaningful.

"You're not ugly, or stupid, and you aren't just another one of those people who lives off of pity," Naruto buried his face in Sasuke's shirt. He took a long, shaky breath.

"And you don't have duck-ass hair."

----

There was something warm all around Sasuke, and he didn't know what it was.

He tried to recollect his thoughts. Okay. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep on his desk and Iruka asking him what was wrong. His senses were dull from sleep, but he kept hearing the words 'dead,' 'sick,' and 'I'm sorry.' He also heard the high pitched harping of a girl.

In a few minutes, he was dimly aware that he was being gently embraced by something. Sasuke wasn't awake enough to be worried about it, so he didn't do anything.

As he slowly woke up, he realized that someone was talking to him and the warm feeling was a hug. Even further along, he noticed that the voice was Naruto's.

The girl was telling him that she was sorry for something. What was it she was blubbering about now?

"… even then I admitted that you had a nice ass…"

If Sasuke could've raised an eyebrow, one would've shot sky-high about then.

"…not ugly…"

"…or stupid, and you aren't just another one of those people who lives off of pity." What was this? Was she apologizing to him or something? What for?

He suddenly felt himself being snuggled up to.

"And you don't have duck-ass hair."

Sasuke was completely awake now. His eyes were closed, but he was awake. Naruto was crying into his shirt for some reason.

Suddenly, the crying stopped and he felt Naruto releasing him from the hug. He almost missed the feeling.

"What's wrong, Naruto?" Iruka's voice asked softly.

"He's…" Naruto stammered.

"What, Naruto? What's going on?" Iruka's voice became more urgent.

"HE'S ALIVE!"

What the hell? All around Sasuke voices rose up in surprised cheers and gasps.

He was shocked. Did they seriously think he was dead? Was he that heavy of a sleeper?

He could feel Naruto's arms crushing him in an embrace before other arms started grabbing at him. He could hear the voices of Naruto, Shizune, Iruka, Sakura, and Kakashi hovering close to his body.

"SAAAASUKE-" sniffle, "KUUUUN!"

"Sakura! You're going to rip his leg off the way you tug on it like that!"

"Calm down. Let's just let Shizune take him to the ambulance. We've kept the EMT's waiting long enough."

"Yes! Let me take him to the hospital. You can all worry about him there!"

"Sasuke! You're okay after all!"

It was at this time that Sasuke chose to speak up.

"Naruto…Dobe…" a dark eye cracked open to stare up at two identical, shimmering pools of ocean blue, "you're going to crush me."

----

Naruto wailed pitifully into Sasuke's shirt. "Sasuke! I thought you died!" he sniffed. The blonde boy was oddly delighted when Sasuke mumbled something about not being able to breathe.

"Alright, little girl," Shizune attempted to pry him off of Sasuke, "You heard the boy. Stop strangling him." Naruto slowly let go of the raven-haired boy. Sasuke propped himself up on one elbow and glared defiantly up at the nurse.

"You're not going to tell me you _liked_ getting squished by a girl, are you?" All heads turned toward the door where Tsunade, the school principal, was leaning with the stick of a sucker poking out of her mouth.

Sasuke and Naruto both sent her angry glares. Naruto then looked over to Sasuke, who seemed like he was contemplating the question.

Sasuke glared his ethereal I'm-better-than-you-and-you-know-it glare.

"I might have."

Jaws dropped. Sakura started stuttering. Shikamaru blinked once or twice. Iruka stared. Shizune's mouth hung open. Kakashi raised his eyebrows and said something like 'well isn't that special.' Naruto blushed furiously.

"Well I'll be damned," Tsunade grinned, then went over to Iruka's phone and called someone's number. The class watched and waited. Tsunade suddenly smiled viciously. "Hey Jiraiya?" She sneered, "You owe me forty bucks. Sasuke isn't gay after all." With that, she hung up the phone.

Naruto looked over at Sasuke. His eye was twitching. Naruto just laughed it off.

----

Tsunade walked purposefully over to the furious boy. "You gave us quite a scare," she reprimanded as if she _hadn't _just said there was someone out there who thought he was gay.

Sasuke only glared.

"Would you mind telling me what the hell happened here?"

Sasuke leaned back casually, "I was tired."

"Oh were you now?" Tsunade crossed her arms across her chest, "You're quite the heavy sleeper then, aren't you?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

Tsunade said as-a-matter-of-factly, "Kakashi was kind enough to tell me exactly what happened. Kids were screaming, Naruto was shaking you like crazy, and Sakura was trying to suffocate you with hugs. Are you trying to tell me that you slept through all of this?"

He blinked.

Whoa.

What did they put in west coast heroine? Some tranquilizer to twist the effects around? Or maybe there was some shitty designer drug they mixed in with it. Damn you, Los Angeles!

"Well, don't you seem surprised?"

Sasuke tilted his head. He turned an icy glare over to Iruka. "What the hell happened?"

Tsunade smirked smugly, "So I take it you had absolutely no idea what was going on?"

"No, I didn't."

----

"The world is ending. Sasuke has just admitted to being caught off guard about something, and he's admitted to liking a girl. Sasuke, give me that shit you're smoking. It's making you crazy."

The class laughed.

Maybe it was just Naruto's imagination, but he thought he heard Sasuke mumble something along the lines of "You have no idea…"

Was Sasuke smoking something? Was _that _what was wrong with him? He stared wide eyed at Sasuke. "What?" Sasuke glared back. No one else seemed to notice, but there was a tiny bead of sweat dripping slowly down from the side of Sasuke's face.

"Relax, Naruto, it was a joke. I'm sure Sasuke isn't doing anything illegal. _Right_, Sasuke?" There was a bite at the edge of Tsunade's words, like she knew something he didn't.

Sasuke was glaring daggers at Tsunade for some reason unknown to Naruto. Tsunade returned his look with a stern one of her own.

Eventually, the glare broke and Sasuke averted his eyes to somewhere else in the room.

"Which leads me to a point that all schools make to their students. I'm sure you've all heard it before, but drugs are bad shit. They screw up your body and your mind. All drugs are harmful," she leered over her shoulder at the people in Naruto's general area, "Especially heroine."

With that, she walked off, dismissing the class and the teachers, telling them that there was nothing wrong.

Sasuke got up and wordlessly left the classroom. Naruto was left with no choice but to follow. Besides, if he stayed, he was likely to be ripped apart by Sasuke's fan girls.

Shizune followed them both out the door and down the hall for a while, expressing her concern to Sasuke. Sasuke mumbled irritably about being perfectly fine and able to take care of himself. He kept brushing her off until she gave up.

Naruto scrambled to catch up with the Uchiha, who was already past the front doors of the school. "Hey Sasuke," Naruto panted, "wait up!"

The Uchiha complied in a grudging way. Once Naruto caught up, he wordlessly began walking again. Naruto was content to stay one step behind him. He lingered back there, wanting to ask Sasuke if he really liked his hugs, but the Uchiha didn't seem like he was in the mood. Naruto twiddled his thumbs.

To speak or not to speak…

That, indeed, was the question.

"Um…" Naruto started uneasily, then clammed up. He wanted to ask Sasuke what he really thought of him, and then there were Sasuke's feelings to consider.

Naruto was a guy. Sasuke thought he was a girl. Naruto really wanted to love Sasuke and be loved back by said boy, but he would eventually find out about Naruto and be scarred forever.

But maybe he could take a chance. If Sasuke really loved him, boy or girl, he'd stick with him no matter what.

Naruto shook his head. He was starting to think more and more like Gaara. Inwardly sentimental little Gaara. He was getting more and more loveable. When He wasn't in the middle of intimidating someone, he was as cuddly as a teddy bear.

Naruto gathered all of his courage up and spoke, "Sasuke?" Sasuke glanced back at him. Naruto's courage faltered a little. What if it was all a lie? What if Sasuke hated his guts?

"Um…" he almost clammed up again as a huge blush spread across the bridge of his nose. "Do you, did you, I mean, um…"

"Speak English, Dobe."

"Do you really like me?" Naruto forced the words out of his lungs. Sasuke glanced back at him again. He cast him a quizzical look before walking on. Naruto sighed. This was so much easier in movies…

He whispered to himself, "So you were lying after all."

"I heard that."

Naruto clammed up again.

Sasuke continued walking. Naruto could tell that he had something on his mind too. He seemed more distracted than usual.

"I'll answer your question if you'll answer some of mine."

Fair enough, Naruto supposed. "Fine," he said, "But first answer mine."

"Whatever."

When they got to Sasuke's apartment, both of them sat face to face on the couch and stared for a time. "So," Naruto began, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"You aren't a friggin' judge, you know," Sasuke scoffed, "I feel like I'm in court or something…"

"You don't want to be in court?" Naruto asked dryly, "Why?"

Naruto meant this as an innocent little question, but Sasuke apparently thought otherwise. "I just don't! Do _you_ want to be interrogated? Hm?"

"Okay, okay…" Naruto found it interesting that Sasuke didn't mention anything about doing nothing wrong. He set it aside though and asked his original question.

"Sasuke? Do you really like me?" he began, "Or are you lying? I don't like liars."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and sighed. Naruto could tell he was having a hard time setting his pride aside.

Hehehe… sighed, pride, aside, wasn't rhyming the greatest?

"You tell me first," Sasuke growled, "do _you _like me?"

"Not fair!" Naruto shook his fist at Sasuke. Sasuke only shrugged. "I suppose I just won't tell you then…"

"Oh fine! I'll tell you. But you have to promise you'll talk afterward. Deal?" Naruto condescended grudgingly. When Sasuke snorted in what Naruto thought was agreement, he sighed and his face cycled through different shades of red, "Well, maybe I do…"

Naruto frowned suddenly, his face still hot, "Now you've got to confess! It's bad luck to lie, you know. Even worse to go back on your word!"

Sasuke only shook his head. Naruto impatiently tapped his fingers against his face and stared accusingly at the Uchiha. Sasuke turned a subtle shade of pink. He rolled his eyes at Naruto and mumbled, "Fine…"

Naruto wasn't sure what he meant. "Fine, you like me, or fine, you're lying?"

Sasuke growled. Naruto sensed he'd just gone too far. Had he humiliated the Uchiha for asking him whether or not they shared the same feelings?

"Yes," Sasuke threw his head back and hissed, "I like you."

Naruto was star struck.

"I knew it!" he squealed, "I knew it all along!" Without thinking, he tackled the Uchiha triumphantly and gave him the most heart-felt bear-hug of all time.

"Stop... strangling… me…" Sasuke groaned. Naruto loosened his grip ever so slightly, but didn't take his arms away. It was a one-sided snuggle, but he didn't care.

"So," he gazed up at Sasuke, "What questions do you have to ask me?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "You mean that's it? That's all you wanted to say?"

"Yeah, is there something wrong with that?" Naruto inquired defensively.

"Nothing," Sasuke seemed relieved for some reason. Naruto was curious as to why. "Was there something else I should've asked?"

"No," Sasuke replied, relaxing somewhat in his seat, "Nothing at all."

"So then, I suppose it's my turn," he stared down at Naruto, who bounced over to the other end of the couch.

"Shoot," Naruto smiled.

"Do I really have a nice ass?"

"You _heard _that?"

"You're not going to deny it now that I'm still alive, are you?"

"N-no…" Naruto gave in, "You have a nice ass." He was as red as a tomato. Sasuke smirked. Naruto pouted. "You're just rubbing it in, aren't you? You might be the dead sexy son of Satan, but that doesn't mean you can gloat over it!"

Sasuke raised his eyebrows.

"You heard nothing… deal?"

"Whatever you say, Dobe."

"By the way," Naruto asked quietly, "How come you're so sick all the time?" He wasn't surprised when Sasuke didn't answer. "I don't want to talk about it…"

He didn't press the matter.

There was an icy silence that hung about the room. Sasuke seemed like he was on edge about something, but Naruto didn't want to risk losing his newly found friendship-and-perhaps-something-more.

"What do you think about my hair?" Sasuke suddenly inquired. Naruto looked shocked. "Yes," Sasuke sighed knowingly, "I heard that too."

Naruto stuck his tongue out at the Uchiha.

"Well?"

Naruto sighed, "I like your hair I guess."

"You guess? As in you're not sure if you like my hair or-"

"I LIKE YOUR GODDAMN UCHIHA HAIR, OKAY?"

"Fair enough," Sasuke smirked.

That bastard. Humiliating him on purpose.

"Stupid Teme…" he pouted. Then, he noticed something unusual about Sasuke's hair. He stared straight at it.

"What? Something wrong with my hair?" Sasuke snapped.

"No, well," he paused, "Is that little piece supposed to be there?" He pointed out the little wisp of hair dangling right in front of Sasuke's nose.

Naruto noticed with interest that Sasuke once again had to swallow his pride to answer him. "I try to make it stay where I want it to, but the little bastard keeps popping out…"

"You try using hair gel?" Naruto was deeply absorbed in the story enshrouding this particular piece of hair. He crawled forward and squinted at it.

Sasuke gave him a wary look. "I already tried it. Doesn't work."

"Really?" Naruto was amazed, "I bet you use the really expensive stuff too…"

"Actually, no," Sasuke replied. Naruto looked at him questioningly, "Well why not?" Sasuke shrugged, "It's a waste of my money."

Naruto eyed him. "If you have all this money, why not use it?"

"I really have no reason to spend it. That's that," announced the Uchiha.

"Okay…"

Sasuke suddenly snapped as if he'd just remembered something. "We're wasting time. I don't pay you to sit here and ask me about my money. Go vacuum the carpet or something."

Naruto squeaked and began to walk away. Then he stopped, and spun around. "Sasuke?" he called.

"What?" The Uchiha asked irritably.

Naruto scampered over to him and licked his thumb and his forefinger. "Here," he reached a hand out to the little tuft of Sasuke's hair and smoothed it to the side.

"That should do it," he piped up dramatically before scurrying off.

Much to Sasuke's surprise, it stuck.

----

Orochimaru was woken abruptly by the incessant ringing of the phone.

Now who could that be? Might have been Kabuto. Well, if it was his secretary, he supposed he could answer.

He stared distantly at the phone before deciding that he'd better pick it up. He rolled lazily over to the phone on his nightstand and answered wearily.

"What do you want?"

"Rude as always…"

Orochimaru froze. His stomach tightened and he felt like he was going to be sick.

Oh, shit.

There was only one voice that gave Orochimaru the chills. There was only one voice that made him want to curl up and die. There was only one voice Orochimaru feared even slightly.

And the owner of that voice was at the other end of the phone.

"Itachi?" he stuttered. He could swear he heard the other smirk through the telephone.

"Hello, Orochimaru."

----

Me: Muahahaha!

Chibi Sasuke: What the fuck?

Chibi Naruto: What he said!

Me: Oh, the fun! I'm so delighted to put you all through such torture! It makes my day! And thanks to the reviewers! They also make my day!

Chibi Naruto: Yay for reviewers and pie and fanfics and one or two little cookies!

Chibi Sasuke: You're all mad. –drinks sake and watches TV-

Chibi Naruto: look who's talking.

Me: Anyway, Yay for sasunaru! And maybe there'll be some nejigaara in the future! It all depends on whether or not you review!

Chibi Gaara: And if you don't have a fanfic you want Swirl-chan to review, or you don't want any virtual food, then review for me! Review for Gaara!

Me: Yes! Gaara is tired of being cold and alone in his basement! Review for Gaara!

Chibi Naruto: -waves-

Me: And Naruto! He wants some action with Sasuke, and though Sasuke might not admit it, our favorite little Uchiha boy wants some action with Naruto!

Chibi Sasuke: Shut up!

Me: Like I said. He might not admit it, but we _KNOW._

Chibi Sasuke: Mind your own business, devil woman.

Chibi Gaara: For freedom, for justice, and for pie! Review, review, review!


	9. 9: Naruto the whore queen

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto, when Naruto first met Sasuke and they kissed, it would've turned into a major yaoi make out scene.

Me: Oh. My. God.

Chibi Sasuke: I can't believe it. You wrote something good. I need a drink…

Me: I have over a hundred reviews! God, I love you people! You're all immortalized in my mind as gods and goddesses of the fanfic reviewing world!

Chibi Naruto: Yeah, the only problem is…

Chibi Gaara: Swirl-chan has short term memory loss!

Me: Yes! So review s' more!

Chibi Sakura: Review! Re- wait. I'm at the tail end of the food chain in this fic! Don't review! Don't-

Chibi Naruto: -duct tapes her mouth shut and shoves her in a box-

Me: Good Naru-chan! Anyway… read, review, relax, and I've enabled anonymous reviews, (Thank Imoen-sama! I didn't even know they were disabled! Cookies for you!) Yay for all you anonymous people!

**J L H 9**

He didn't have his coffee that particular morning, so he was sound asleep. Uzumaki Naruto was sound asleep in geometry class.

He was sound asleep in Zabuza's class.

Needless to say, he paid the price.

He woke with a start when he felt something unbelievably cold being splashed on top of his head. Naruto screamed like a girl and flew four vertical feet. He landed one meter away from his desk.

How many feet did Naruto's body travel?

Don't know the answer?

What the hell are you doing in geometry then?

Naruto picked himself up and wrung the water out of his hair. He peered accusingly at Haku, who was smiling his apologetic smile with a water bucket in his hand. Zabuza was at his side as he normally was, and had that peculiarly approving look on his face like he normally did.

Haku turned and bowed before the sadistic math teacher gave him permission to go back to his desk again.

Naruto's shirt was wet. Naruto's hair was wet. Naruto's skirt was wet.

To sum things up, Naruto was wet, and about as mad as a wet cat. He resembled one in the respect that he hissed and attempted to shake the water out of his hair.

He was contemplating whether or not to give Haku, the cross-dressing jackass, the silent treatment. He had it up to his eyeballs with this 'Zabuza's so nice to me' bullshit. The guy was a prick! Naruto secretly yearned for the opportunity to squeeze the life out of him with a scarf.

Why a scarf?

Naruto's mom made him wear one to school that day. Was it a sign? Maybe someone up there wanted him to get rid of Zabuza and save all the poor little mortals? Maybe.

He wasn't going to do it though.

His head would probably have been separated from his body before he got within five feet of the sadist. To top it off, Zabuza would probably tie his head to the top of the flagpole just to hear students and their parents scream.

Stupid dip shit.

Naruto'd get Zabuza one of these days.

Hopefully with his head still attached to the rest of his body…

He spent the rest of the class trying to wipe the smudges of eyeliner off of his cheeks. He paid absolutely no attention to Zabuza, who was strolling around the room, silently daring anyone to make a sound.

Naruto cast a few accusing glares at Haku. The boy only smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

The blonde rolled his eyes. This was Zabuza's lap dog. Sure, the dark-haired man practically tugged Haku out of the gutter, but Haku had no free will! Where was his rebellious I-don't-give-a-damn teen spirit?

Something was screwed up.

By the end of class he made up his mind that he wasn't talking to Haku. Naruto pointedly speed-walked off into the hall before the little puppy could catch up.

Hah!

Take that, fiend!

Naruto hopped into Science class, where he met his not-really-ex-boyfriend. His relationship with Neji had been a short one, and he cried a little when they broke up.

He recalled the after effects of the event. Sasuke seemed unusually smug that day, and Gaara was happy, which was rare.

Naruto felt an odd sense of freedom a few days later.

After he cried his eyes out of course.

He thought people were supposed to feel like shit after they broke up. A reverse effect, he supposed.

Kind of like when you get drunk and your body is supposed to be on the verge of falling asleep, but you're bouncing off the walls with hyperactivity instead.

Naruto did that once at one of his mom's crazy St. Patrick's Day parties.

It was fun.

Until he broke something. Then his mom made him do push-ups. Doing a workout when he was drunk wasn't the easiest thing in the world. Nor was it fun.

He definitely had the energy to go through with it though.

The balance?

That was a different story.

Enough talk of weird things. Naruto'd had it up to his neck with the abnormal.

"Hi, Neji!" he fell gracelessly into his seat next to the boy. Neji glanced over at his friend. He averted his eyes, but immediately second glanced and stared at the blonde with an eyebrow quirked.

Naruto tilted his head, then glanced down at his soggy outfit. He laughed nervously.

"What on earth…" Neji trailed off.

"I, uhm… fell asleep," explained Naruto.

"Asleep," Neji repeated, his eyebrow climbing even higher up onto his forehead.

"Yeah. That bastard of a math teacher had his pleasure slave pour water on me to wake me up."

"Zabuza has a pleasure slave?"

"Yeah. He's a dog. You know, a golden retriever type? The ones that will jump off a cliff if you command them to?"

"Zabuza screws golden retrievers?"

"Yup."

Neji's face went blank and he shook his head, "You are a sad, strange little girl. I think I'll make up my own story, thanks."

Naruto was quite pleased with himself.

That's right, Haku, you're a fluffy little bed slave! Chew on that, fucker! The blonde laughed evilly to himself, causing the Hyuga to glance his way once again.

Naruto stared right back at Neji, who had an oddly smug look on his face. Naruto frowned and blushed. He knew that look. His uncle always had it plastered on his face when he was thinking about something tasty.

"What're you thinking about?" he asked him warily.

Neji snorted and shook his head. "If only that shirt was white…"

"PERVERT!" Naruto blushed furiously and swung his fist at Neji. As one would assume, Neji ducked and the blonde's fist connected with a nearby bookcase. He stifled a screech as his knuckles thudded against polished wood. He drew his hand back and cradled it in his lap, sending nasty glares in the Hyuga's general direction.

"I thought you didn't like me!" Naruto hissed.

"I don't," replied Neji coolly, "but you know how guys are. Our minds are hopelessly twisted."

"Bastard."

Neji smirked, "But you're so flat chested, there wouldn't be anything to see."

Naruto cracked an abashed smile, chuckling nervously more to himself than to anyone else, "You have no idea…"

"Ahem…"

Both boys swung around in their chairs to find Kusakabi Sensei tapping his foot at the front of the room with his glasses pushed high up onto the bridge of his nose. Naruto could feel rather than see the eyes of all the students boring holes into his chest.

"Now that I have the class's attention…"

Kusakabi Sensei started his usual rambling and Naruto felt the urge to sink into his seat and disappear.

Did the whole class overhear everything he and Neji said? Naruto was embarrassed to the point where he actually did shrink into a ball in his chair. He pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face in his knees.

He wanted to die…

The classroom suddenly jumped when the blaring sound of what Naruto imagined to be a dying rhinoceros screeched into the room.

It was a fire drill, he supposed.

Neji calmly rose out of his chair and helped the hopelessly embarrassed blonde out of his seat.

Kusakabi Sensei was already leading the class out of the room. Naruto covered his ears when he and Neji left the room at the back of the line.

Why did they have to make these things so goddamn loud? Sure, Naruto was used to noisy, blaring music that made the subwoofer in the back of Temari's car explode, but this was insane. He swore the person who invented alarms modeled the sound after a dying mammal of some sort.

Squeeeeaaaaarrrr! Squeeeeaaaaarrrr!

Neji walked slowly and silently at his side, as if he didn't really give a damn if they got caught in a raging inferno.

He probably didn't.

Neji was too good to panic.

Stupid perfect people…

Soon they were outside and Naruto removed his hands from his ears. It was unusually cold today, which only added to the discomfort of wearing damp clothing. Neji wasn't much help. When Naruto attempted to snuggle up to him, he only made a scene about what a baby he was.

Baby, huh?

Why doesn't _he _try wearing a wet skirt and shirt in the wind in the middle of Fall, eh?

That would teach him to poke at bruises he'd never felt!

Bitch!

"You look like death, Naruto," Gaara had wandered his way over to the fuming blonde. Naruto sneered, "You should like that. Is that why you came over here?"

Gaara only stared up at Naruto with blank eyes. "Actually, no," he announced remotely.

Naruto frowned quizzically, "Then why?"

"I came over here to use you as a shield from the wind, idiot."

"Oh-ho-ho! Gaara's not so tough after all!" Naruto elbowed him in the side. Gaara's only response to this was to roll his eyes.

Naruto watched his friend closely. He was acting strangely. He seemed off. His attention didn't feel like it was directed at Naruto. Gaara's eyes were darting right and left, like he was looking for something.

Or _someone_.

Cha-ching!

He grinned evilly at the fire-haired midget.

Gaara apathetically looked up. "What?" he droned uncaringly.

Naruto only looked away, laughing it off, "Oh, nothing, nothing…" He glanced over his shoulder to see Gaara shaking his head the way he did when he thought someone was hopeless.

Despite the cold, the little cogs in Naruto's brain were turning. Did Gaara have a girlfriend? He gasped mentally. Was it _Sakura?_ No. Of course not. He hated Sakura with a vengeance. Ino? No… not the pig.

Or maybe he really was a queer.

Who could he possibly like though?

He thought about it for a while. The redhead really couldn't stand people. He hated loud, obnoxious people. He hated people who didn't think before they acted. He hated tough guys too.

Naruto fit into a few of the Gaara-doesn't-like categories, yet he was Gaara's only friend.

Hmmm…

Think, Naruto… Who, besides you, can Gaara stand for more than two minutes?

Who does he see for an hour or so each day?

Who else eats lunch at the ramen shop?

Who has silky, long, raven-black hair and pale blue…

Oh.

My.

GAWD!

Gaara eventually got bored and walked off, not even pausing to stare back at the flabbergasted blonde. Naruto's eye twitched.

Gaara liked…

He liked…

NEJI!

Ohmigawd! Who would've thought? Gaara was capable of love! And love for the bastard who dumped him, no less!

Wait a sec… How did he factor into the whole break-up ordeal anyhow? Maybe Gaara was the reason they broke up. Maybe he convinced Neji that Naruto was wrong for him.

Maybe it was all Gaara's fault!

…

_...Naw._

----

Sasuke meandered around the school grounds like a zombie.

He was well aware that his skin was pale, his hair was messy, and that he was slouched over like… well… a man who slouched a lot.

He was also aware of the fact that he had dark circles under his eyes the size of Texas.

Eyes… size… He was about to give up.

His brain didn't have the energy to curse his rhyming. He had gotten no sleep last night.

He figured that if there were tranquilizers in his heroine, he'd at least be able to get to sleep when he wanted to.

But no!

His drugs just had to screw around with his head until he was fantasizing about a giant spider on his ceiling.

It was huge! The thing had to be at least twice the size of his couch, if not bigger. It had giant, bloody fangs like butcher knives, gangly, hairy legs, and it talked to him.

It sounded just like Kisame and all it would say was 'don't make me break my foot off in your ass…'

He wouldn't go to sleep for fear that it might eat him… or rape him. Both, he really didn't want to go through at the moment.

Now that Sasuke thought about it, he never would've been afraid of the spider if he was sober. He would've laughed at the thing and told it that it was fake. But he was on drugs. Therefore, he really couldn't tell, and he didn't care.

All he knew last night was that there was a talking spider on his ceiling, and that was good enough for him.

"Sasuke-kuuun?"

Oh dear God, smite me now…

"You have to stay with the class, Sasuke-kun. Rules are rules!" a nameless girl was jogging after him with a sheepish grin on her face. She caught up to him and blushed profusely, "You can come and stand by me, Sasuke-kuuun!" She grabbed his wrist and started tugging.

Sasuke's mind snapped.

_No_ _one _touched him. Especially not girls he knew nothing about.

Except for Naruto… but she had too thick a skull to be afraid of what might happen to her. Sasuke found himself predicting that he'd have to get used to those spontaneous hugs.

Back in reality, the girl stopped pulling, noticing the rigid state of the person she was trying to carry off. She looked back at Sasuke. "What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" she asked with innocent eyes.

"Get away from me, whore."

The girl instantly released his arm, staring at him as if she were going to burst into a river of tears.

Sasuke was not in the mood to be merciful.

He felt like shit, his arms already itched somewhat, he had to profess his love to a girl yesterday, and his sleep had been prevented by a giant, talking spider.

The girl continued to shrink.

"You can stop giving me the 'Bambi-who-just-saw-his-mom-get-shot,-gutted,-then-loaded-onto-the-back-of-a-truck-and-driven-away' look now," scoffed Sasuke.

The girl sniffled, hiccupped, and then exploded into a magnificent display of delightfully leaky waterworks.

Sasuke walked away with a sick satisfaction at his vile temper.

If anyone wanted to fuck with Uchiha Sasuke today, they'd better prepare themselves to have their asses lightly simmered in a white wine sauce and served to them with a spritz of lime.

Oh yes, Sasuke was feeling delightfully evil today. He had a generous amount of pain and suffering to deal to the world for the shit it made him deal with.

Sasuke rubbed his head. Damn migraines… Always ruining an already painful existence.

The turmoil on the front lawn of the school wasn't helping, either.

There were kids running this way and that, babbling about how they wished there was a real fire so they could skip school. Teachers tried and failed to take roll call as people ran from their respective classes to chill with their posses.

Ghetto slang…

Another one of the very many things Uchiha Sasuke hated.

Through his hazy state of mind, he spotted Naruto chasing a rather pissed off Gaara around the base of a tree. She looked so cold and wet…

Bleh!

No mushy shit, Sasuke!

He slapped himself in the side of the face, only to regret the fact that it magnified his massive headache.

As he got closer to the two comrades, he could hear a part of their conversation.

"Aww! Come on! Tell me!"

"Naruto, stick that nose of yours into someone else's business!"

"No, Gaara! I won't stop bugging you until you tell me what's going on!"

What was this?

Another one of Naruto's whiny need-to-know moments? He didn't need to hear it. He'd heard his share of whining on Naruto's part.

"Come on, Gaara! Who's the lucky dude?"

Okay, _now _they had Sasuke's attention.

"Who says I have a boyfriend?" Then the redhead hissed under his breath, "I might not be queer like you."

Queer… like… you?

This was making less and less sense.

Who's queer?

Naruto and Gaara both stopped dead in their tracks and stared at him. Gaara glared daggers, while Naruto's blue eyes were as wide as saucers.

Whoa.

Sasuke must've accidentally spoken his mind.

Naruto suddenly burst out in hysterical laughter. Gaara had a slightly guilty expression on his face as looked over his shoulder at the insane blonde.

"No one's queer! Just a thing we call each other, you know, 'Hi, queer!' and stuff like that! We're all straight as pencils, yep, yep! Hah hah! No gay cross-dressers here! The only girly-boy in this school is Haku! _Only Haku!_" Naruto's jaw snapped shut and Sasuke saw an inhumanly red blush bloom across the bridge of her nose.

Gaara let a frustrated, troubled sigh escape the confines of his lungs and he shook his head slowly.

Sasuke was clueless. What the fuck was this with cross-dressers and gay people?

He groaned, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Naruto smiled like she was relieved about something, "It's nothing. Really!" Then Gaara cut in, glaring like a cobra whose tail had come inches from being stepped on, "How much did you hear?"

For once, Sasuke didn't know what to say. He only leered warily at the two peculiar people standing in front of him.

"What the hell?"

Gaara rolled his eyes and walked off, leaving Sasuke with a rather embarrassed-looking Naruto.

The blonde called after him with a furious gleam in her eye, "You get back here, you jerk!"

Gaara didn't bother to turn around. Instead he just waved his hand about in an uncaring manner, "You have to deal with this on your own."

"I thought we were best friends!" Naruto whined, clenching her fists with shimmering eyes.

Sasuke only crossed his arms and pressed his lips together in a fine line. What the hell were they talking about? Was Naruto…

Was she a _lesbian?_

No. She wasn't. Else wise she wouldn't have had that talk with him the other day.

Plus, weren't lesbians supposed to be buff? Naruto was the weakest loser he'd ever set his eyes on.

Unless Naruto really wasn't a girl-

Whatever.

Just whatever.

Sasuke wasn't going to toss the idea around. Naruto was a chick. Sure, she had the flattest chest in history, but she was a girl. He would _never_ like a guy, even if he didn't know this person was a guy.

Never.

Ever.

"I hate you!" Naruto screeched at the receding form of Gaara.

"That's nice!" The redhead raised his voice in reply.

Sasuke watched as the blushing blonde furiously gritted her teeth together and growled to herself. He sighed exasperatedly and continued to massage his skull.

"So… um…" Naruto nervously scratched her head, which lead Sasuke to believe that there was more to the 'queer' thing than he thought. He quirked an eyebrow, waiting for the blonde to continue.

"Wow, you look horrible."

Blatant honesty without knowing she was being blatantly honest.

Mother of Jesus.

"Thanks," Sasuke croaked, casting Naruto a muted glare. The clueless girl only assumed a look of deep concentration, like she was staring at a huge zit on his face…

Oh, God.

Did he have a zit on his face?

Sasuke Uchiha was ruined! His flawless appearance had been destroyed! Oh, please, Naruto, don't say anything!

"You look even worse than yesterday," the blonde announced, much to Sasuke's joy. He sighed to himself.

At least he didn't have a zit on his face.

Hallelujah!

"Are you getting any sleep?" Naruto inquired with a worried tone.

Sasuke gave in. He wasn't in the mood to think up a lie as to the reason he looked the way he did. Now, he wouldn't tell the _whole _truth, but a partial truth wouldn't hurt.

"No, I didn't get any sleep last night," he sighed.

Naruto's face inched closer to his, "Why?"

"Because," Sasuke growled, "there was a spider on my ceiling last night."

"You're afraid of spiders?"

"No, but this was a _pretty _big spider."

"Wow! How big was it?"

"You don't want to know…"

"Gaara has pretty big spiders in his basement. He likes them. They're about as big as a walnut shell. Bet your spider wasn't _that _big!"

"No, Naruto, this was a big spider."

"Like how?"

"Like as big as your house."

"Liar!"

"Whatever…"

"You haven't even been to my house yet!" the blonde girl piped up suddenly.

Sasuke stepped back, "No, I haven't." He leered warily, "Do I _want_ to go to your house?"

Naruto tapped her foot on the ground. "No, probably not," she paused, "But you're coming anyway. How does after school today sound?"

Sasuke scoffed and knitted his brows together, "I hired you to do a job, you know. What about my house?"

"Your house is hopeless."

Sasuke resisted the urge to throttle the blonde and throw her corpse to the crows waiting on the fence. Naruto whined pitifully in the face of the fuming Uchiha boy. "Please?" she begged, "pretty, pretty please?"

Oh hell…

Doe eyes…

She was giving him the doe eyes.

He could resist that look from any other girl. He'd just scoff at them and spit in their faces like he did to that other girl earlier. No female in the world could possibly pull the look off, and get Sasuke to feel even a drop of sympathy for her.

But Naruto…

She was just too goddamn adorable!

She was so cute it made him sick! Her blue eyes shimmered and her lower lip quivered in the most sickeningly cute fashion possible. With those whisker-marks on her face, she looked just like a baby fox that Sasuke had saved from drowning in a river.

"Fine…" he growled condescendingly.

The blonde yipped with joy and sailed into the air. Sasuke watched for a time as her mouth worked, explaining to him how they'd both have so much fun together. Her tongue was moving so fast, that he wondered whether or not she was speaking English.

She giggled incessantly like any other girl would if Sasuke had agreed to go to their house.

Speaking of other girls…

Sasuke glanced over his shoulder to see that every single girl in sight was glaring hatefully at the giddy blonde. Their eyes burnt with jealousy as they exchanged whispers and dirty looks.

Interesting.

So news of his announcement had spread like wildfire after all.

That's right, bitches! Sasuke doesn't like any of you. He likes a little blonde ditz who couldn't tell right from left if her life depended on it!

Burn in hell!

Sasuke had apparently stared at one girl for too long, for she suddenly fell over backward and her friends gathered around her, fanning her face.

"You know," Sasuke turned back to Naruto, "They all hate you now."

Naruto raised her eyebrow and put her hands on her hips, "They who?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "All the other girls, Dobe."

Naruto smiled and her expression softened. She closed her eyes, "They hated me from the moment they met me, Sasuke."

Sasuke was somewhat confused. Weren't girls supposed to get angry or at least burst into tears when they heard something like this? Was Naruto retarded or something?

No.

Naruto wasn't retarded at all.

At least not in the emotional sense of the word.

Mentally, hell yes, but not emotionally.

Perhaps she was just… different. If girls were capable of being different, anyway.

"No, Naruto, they _hate _you," he emphasized 'hate' just to get the point across.

Naruto's smile only got wider, "I already know that!"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. This girl had absolutely no idea what jealousy could make potential rivals do. There was no telling what kind of torture Sasuke's fan-girls could perform on the poor, clueless girl.

He decided to take his explanation further. "They want to kill you Dobe," Sasuke hissed, "Do you know why that is?"

Naruto tilted her head. "No," said the girl uncaringly, "Why?"

Sasuke sighed exasperatedly. This girl's skull was at least, what? As thick as the Berlin wall?

"Because I hang around with you, idiot!" When the blonde didn't show signs of understanding, he elaborated, "They like me. Any girl would kill to be you, even if it meant _really_ killing you."

Sasuke expected the blonde to come to the grim reality of it all: that she was going to be a walking target among the girls of the school. Sasuke was infinitely surprised when Naruto struck a dramatically triumphant pose.

"Then let them fight me!" the girl held up her fingers in a victory sign, "I can take 'em all! I'm not about to hand you over to a bunch of lousy ten-cent whores!"

Sasuke was further taken aback when Naruto shook her fist and cat-called to a nearby group of girls, saying, "Hear that? You're all whores! Bow to me, lowly bitches, for I am the _QUEEN OF ALL WHORES!_" Upon finishing her statement, she promptly burst into howling, maniacal laughter.

Sasuke was tempted to warn her of the consequences of her actions, but decided against it.

After all, a nod was as good as a wink to a blind bat.

----

Hah!

Queen of all whores…

Naruto cracked himself up. The looks on their faces were priceless though. He swore one of them was going to challenge him to a fight later, but he didn't care. Girls didn't know how to fight.

Girls all thought fighting was a congregation of people exchanging sissy slaps and hurtful words. Basically, cat fights were all talk.

Sticks and stones can't break my bones, and words can't hurt me either!

So there, bitches!

He waved good-bye to Sasuke and ran over to his regrouping science class.

Apparently there really was a fire. Some jerk in cooking class accidentally set fire to something while the teacher was out. This person supposedly didn't extinguish it.

Naruto pitied the person who didn't know how to put out a fire.

What a maroon!

"You have a good time with Sasuke?"

Naruto spun around, and there was Neji. He had his usual, blank look in his eyes, only brighter.

"Yup!" He announced. "He was just telling me about how all the girls were going to kill me. I think he's right."

"And you really don't care do you?" Neji asked like he already knew the answer. Naruto's smile broadened, "Nope!"

Neji shook his head. "I figured as much…"

Naruto only stuck his tongue out at Neji and crossed his arms.

They ate lunch at their normal spot, on the curbside next to the ramen shop. Five minutes later, Gaara showed up. Naruto looked up from his cup of steaming ramen to find the redhead's foot about to connect with his side.

Considering the fact that he had a dangerously hot and messy lunch, he couldn't do much. Gaara's foot nudged his ribs and Naruto squeaked.

He was ticklish there and Gaara knew that.

He playfully swiped an arm out at Gaara's leg and tugged it out from under him. Gaara allowed himself to be tripped as Naruto yanked on his foot with all his might.

The blonde poked him in the side before hurriedly scooting away and devouring his ramen.

Gaara let it slide.

Naruto noticed that Gaara was pretty tolerant of his outstanding annoyingness as of late. The redhead hadn't punched him back as payment for the poke in the side. Plus, he got the feeling that Gaara didn't care that Naruto dragged him down.

It was the love!

It was all the love's fault!

Love was transforming Gaara from the hardened badass he once was, to a teddy bear made out of marshmallow goo! Snap out of it Gaara! Don't let your life be swallowed up by lovey-dovey power!

Naruto watched as Gaara repetitively glanced over a Neji. His eyes would drift from the passing cars to the Hyuga, and then back to the cars.

There was an unbearable film of silence in the air, so Naruto decided to smash it to pieces.

----

"You two shit-heaps are about as fun to hang around with as a pile of horse manure in April!"

Leave it to Naruto to spoil a perfect silence…

Neji glared accusingly at the source of the intruding voice.

"Naruto," he deadpanned, "_Must _you be so loud and obnoxious?"

Much to his amusement, Naruto only smiled. "Of course! That's what friends are for, isn't it?"

He was mildly surprised that Naruto said 'friends' instead of 'ex-boyfriend and girlfriend.' Was Naruto over him so quickly?

Good.

He had other things he wanted to focus his attention on.

Neji's eyes sank to rest on the fluffy-looking red hair of a certain midget.

Fluffy?

Was that really the word? Gaara didn't exactly strike him as a fluffy sort of person.

But he _did _have inhumanly fluffy-looking hair. Neji secretly wanted to reach out and touch it. Gaara could bite his hand off for doing so, but it was worth a try.

Neji leaned forward from his spot on the pavement and reached his hand out.

"Ummm…" came the wary and confused voice of Naruto, "What're you doing?"

The Hyuga ignored him, poking at a piece of Gaara's hair. His attention was focused wholly on the redhead. The last one of Naruto's warnings he heard was something about Gaara killing him, burying him, digging his body up again, then eating it.

Did Neji care?

Of course not.

Neji never thought much about gay love. He always thought he was straight. He chased after a few girls, but for the most part, chicks chased after him.

He couldn't really blame them, but…

He found himself wondering what it was like to be gay. Up until a few years ago, he'd never really thought about it. For the most part, he really didn't care. He always thought it would be just plain odd for a guy to like another guy.

Then again, that was back when he was young and stupid.

Gaara wasn't moving, so Neji decided to take advantage of the situation and buried his hands in Gaara's bright red hair.

He smiled smugly to himself.

Despite Gaara's history, his looks, and his reputation…

Gaara really was fluffy after all.

----

All Naruto could do was stare.

Neji just touched Gaara's hair.

By all things logical, the redhead would've at least ripped his arm off by now.

Then, of course, Naruto remembered his friend's situation. Something was turning him into a marshmallow.

Love.

Gaara was in love.

This, indeed, was proof. That he would tolerate virtually anything from poking to hair groping.

Naruto watched in awe as Neji ran his hands freely through Gaara's hair. He couldn't see Gaara's face very well, but he could see various expressions running through his eyes.

None of which he had ever seen before.

Horror, surprise, confusion, and then, dare he say it, slight embarrassment.

Wow.

Neji was magical.

Naruto found himself wondering if the dark-haired boy would become a lion tamer or something of that nature when he got older. He'd be good at it. That much was sure.

Neji had long since withdrawn his hand, and yet Gaara hadn't moved a muscle. He was still sitting in the same spot. He hadn't leapt up and eaten Neji whole yet.

Ah, love.

So Gaara really was in love with Neji. Naruto smiled secretly to himself.

And apparently Neji liked him back.

"We should get going or we'll be late to class…" Gaara announced suddenly, getting up and brushing himself off.

Naruto blinked.

It was as if nothing had ever happened.

----

Dammit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit, _God _dammit

Sasuke sat on the gym floor, resisting the urge to flail around on the ground in an epilepsy-like fit of scratching. His arms ached, his legs ached, and every single part of his body known to man was itching like crazy.

He gritted his teeth and mentally shoved all of his pain into an imaginary closet.

Unluckily for him, this closet just so happened to have a paper thin door which exploded after two seconds.

He survived through art class, but he had a feeling he wouldn't do so well in gym class. Aside from the itchy blood, his limbs felt like they were made of granite and the soda he drank for lunch was threatening to march its way back up his throat.

Since when had withdrawal been so bad?

All Kisame's fault.

Yeah.

Just blame everything on the shark…

He bit his arm when he thought no one was looking. Damn, that felt good… In a few minutes, though, he had a feeling that he wouldn't even be able to lift himself off the ground.

He glanced over to his side. Naruto was orbiting around Gaara like the moon did around the earth, and Gaara was slowly circling Neji, like the earth did around the sun.

Naruto eventually tackled the redhead, and Gaara retaliated by poking her in the side. Ino and Sakura were in their respective cliques, exchanging nasty glares at one another.

Then Kakashi decided to pop out of nowhere and began to take roll.

Sasuke sighed to himself.

This class was a never-ending freak show…

Kakashi stood where he normally did, making up some excuse as to why he was late, "Sorry I'm late. You see, a little kitten got stuck in a tree and-"

Sakura interrupted, "And you had to walk over to your house, grab a _magical _pill, walk back, climb up the tree, fall off, try again, and then feed the pill to the cat so it could sprout wings and fly. Is that it?"

Kakashi gave her the thousand yard stare, "How did you know?"

Off in the distance, Sasuke heard Naruto's muffled giggling.

He only rolled his eyes.

"Alright class, we've got some work to do," Kakashi set his clip board down and strolled around the gym.

"Now, I've got plenty of magical pills at home. I've got pills that can cure headaches, that can make cats fly, and even pills that can make Emo kids happy."

A few Rainbow Sallys in Sakura's group chuckled at this.

"I do _not_, however," Kakashi continued, "have a pill that can make this class good at dodge ball."

Sasuke smiled while everyone else frowned.

"Some of you have gotten marginally better, but for the most part…" Kakashi stopped and faced the class with his arms behind his back, "you all suck."

"What?" Naruto's hideously cute voice screeched, "Neji, Gaara, and I have been busting our asses out here!"

"Well, congratulations to Neji and Gaara then."

"What about me?"

"Naruto, we've been playing this game for weeks, and you still don't know how to throw a ball right."

"Well, at least I'm better than some people…" Naruto cast a glare in Sakura's direction.

"Oh, really?" Kakashi crossed his arms, "Who?"

"Sakura isn't better than I am!"

"Uh, yeah, she is."

"WHAT?"

"Quite frankly, Naruto, when we have our big dodge ball game tomorrow, you won't last a second."

"But all Sakura does is sit in the back of the gym and talk…"

"And all you do is jump in front of people and trip them."

"That was _one _time!"

Kakashi only shook his head. "Here's a little motivation for you all," he cleared his throat, "For each time someone gets hit by the ball, their entire team has to do ten push-ups, then twenty sit-ups."

Sasuke secretly dreaded what might happen to him. He knew he wouldn't be able to pull off all that exercise. Not in his current state.

He heard Naruto whine in the distance about injustice and child labor.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Be happy that your body isn't on the verge of shutting down, bitch.

For the remaining half hour of class, Sasuke did a grand total of one hundred and twenty push-ups, and two hundred and forty sit-ups. And he still sat out half of the time.

He felt like hell.

He was surprised at his own strength. If he could do this much when he felt like shit, then who knew how much he could do when he was feeling better? His slight enthusiasm didn't help the fact that his joints felt like they were fusing together.

He still wanted to crawl into a corner and die.

To add to his predicament, he was still sitting on the floor in gym class. Everyone else had run off to their respective locker rooms.

He wanted his legs to move, but alas, they refused and sat motionless on the floor. He couldn't move his body by sheer will power.

He was screwed.

And stuck.

Dammit…

"Might want to get up, Sasuke. I don't want you falling asleep again." Kakashi was still there as well, tapping his foot on the floor with his arms crossed.

Sasuke resisted the overwhelming urge to harp to Kakashi about making fun of things he knew nothing about.

"You'll be late to your next class," Kakashi stated.

"Do you think I don't already know that?" grumbled Sasuke.

At this, Kakashi's single visible eyebrow quirked somewhat and he sat on the floor next to Sasuke.

Sasuke didn't even have the energy to look over his shoulder at the gym teacher. His eyes were slowly drooping shut. He was afraid this would happen.

"You really are falling asleep aren't you?" Kakashi got up again and blinked down at the Uchiha, "Did you get any sleep at all last night?"

"No…" Sasuke slurred, "Giant spider…"

He wasn't in the mood to be logical.

Kakashi said nothing.

Sasuke drifted farther and farther into the arms of sleep. He didn't care anymore. If he fell flat on his face there and then, then so be it. He couldn't do anything about it.

"I think I'll take you to the office and call someone," Kakashi paused. He leaned down to Sasuke's level, "Wait, you don't have a _someone, _do you?"

Sasuke thought for a moment. He didn't, did he? Orochimaru was gone.

Like he'd let that bastard near him when he was asleep anyway…

Kabuto was probably busy, and the nice old lady downstairs was too damn old to drive a stick. There was one person left, however…

"Kisame…"

Yeah. Kisame _had _to pick him up. He might lose his best customer if he didn't.

"What? Speak English?"

"Call Kisame… He'll pick me up. I know he will…"

Kakashi sounded somewhat concerned, "And who is this 'Kisame' of whom you speak?"

"He's a buddy of mine. Here's the number of the store he works at…"

Sasuke's mind was fuzzy. He never would've told anyone about Kisame if his brain was fully functional.

This, however, was one of those rare moments when Sasuke wasn't thinking.

"And how will I know him when I see him?"

Sasuke laughed absent-mindedly, "Oh, trust me. You'll know him when you see him…" He yawned, "I like him. He's a good friend. Nice to me too…" He added sleepily, "By the way, don't let him near anyone. He eats children…"

----

Ohmigawd.

Where was Sasuke?

A small gasp.

Did something happen to him? Naruto wanted to mention something about Sasuke's condition to Kakashi, but he didn't. The pale Uchiha boy didn't seem like the kind of person who accepted sympathy well.

Dammit, Naruto!

You should've told Kakashi! That's your problem. You know things, and you never tell anyone!

"Did something happen to Sasuke again?" droned a slightly gloomy voice from behind him.

"Yeah, Shikamaru. He's not here… He wasn't looking too hot in gym class."

"Funny. From what I hear, he's hot all the time," Shikamaru's voice dripped with disinterest.

Naruto laughed sarcastically, "Hah, hah, hah. Seriously though! Do you know what's wrong with him?"

Shikamaru only sighed, "So troublesome…"

Naruto didn't bother asking what was troublesome, for Shikamaru had more to say.

"This happens all the time. You should get used to it," He droned, his head dropping down to rest on his arms.

"Really?" Naruto asked remotely.

"Yeah," Shikamaru groaned, "He's got some rare blood disease or something…"

"Ohmigawd! He does?" Naruto shrieked.

"That's what I heard." He paused, "And don't be so loud. Iruka's looking at us."

Sure enough, Iruka was glaring at them, looking like an angry owl with its feathers all fluffed out. Naruto smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," he whispered.

Iruka continued rambling on and on about their book reports, which were due in a few weeks. Naruto would probably procrastinate and read a book at the last minute.

Or he could just do a report on something he already read.

Score!

Sure, it was cheating, but Iruka didn't have to know.

----

The bell rang and Naruto stayed after school once again. Iruka, expecting Naruto to once again 'ask him how his day was,' waited patiently at his desk with his arms folded across his lap. As he had expected, Naruto walked up to him with the inevitable question.

"Soooooo..." Naruto walked up casually, "Anything happen today?"

"Seriously, Naruto," Iruka glared, "What's this all about?"

She acted perfectly innocent as always. "I'm just being nice, Iruka."

"Right, right," Iruka waved a hand in a shooing motion. He didn't want to hear her excuses. There was something up her sleeve. He knew it.

"I'm not stupid, you know…" Iruka began only to be interrupted by a giggling Naruto. "Really? You had me fooled!" Iruka blushed indignantly, "That's not nice! Watch yourself!"

Naruto's smile only widened.

Iruka gave up and told him the usual story about his day.

He'd been getting some pretty weird stuff in his lunch recently. There was the hot dog, a popsicle, a corn dog, a banana, and even a few sticks of pocky, all of which were delicious. He didn't know where they came from, and he always had the most peculiar feeling when he ate them that he was being watched.

Naruto was smiling at him like she knew where they all came from.

"Naruto," he spoke warily, leering at the blonde, "You know who's giving me all that food, don't you?"

The girl only snickered.

"Who?" He snapped, "Is it rigged? Is it poisoned? Oh, gods… you're an alien, aren't you?" Iruka was in hysterics.

Naruto only shook her head. "Iruka, I swear. You're a blonde in a brunette's body."

Iruka was confused.

"Look a little deeper, Iruka. What might all that stuff mean?"

Iruka was clueless.

"The meanings behind the meanings, you idiot!"

Still clueless.

Naruto just shook her head. "Well, I'll be going now. Just think about what I said, k?"

Naruto left Iruka to ponder.

What was this with hidden meanings? Didn't Kakashi always talk about hidden meanings? Hmmm…

What could it all mean? What was going on? If someone was slipping him hints to something, he really didn't know what they were.

Hot dog. Popsicle. Eating. Watching.

Hang on a sec…

It reminded him of something. What was it now?

Snap.

Oh.

My.

GAWD!

----

Sasuke rubbed his head.

Where the hell was he? He wasn't at school. Let's see… he felt horrible, he itched like there were bugs crawling inside of his skin, and he felt really tired.

Ah, yes.

Kisame must've shown up after all.

Wait…

Oh, bad.

Bad bad bad bad bad bad!

That meant that he dragged Kisame from his busy schedule to do something he probably really didn't want to do. Bad news for the Uchiha.

The shark was probably terrifically pissed off.

Sasuke scrambled out of his bed and shot through the door. He was halfway down the hall when he was suddenly jerked backward by the collar of his shirt.

"Hold on, wait, wait, wait," a deep voice growled. Sasuke found himself being helplessly pulled backwards. He glared accusingly into the comical face of an amused-looking shark.

Good.

He wasn't all that mad after all.

"What the hell are you doing out of bed?" Kisame droned.

"Let's see…" the irritated Sasuke hissed, "My arms are itching like crazy, my stomach is doing back flips, there's a circus elephant running around inside my head, and my left leg is starting to develop a mind of its own."

"Well, you can forget about shooting up," Kisame warned, "There's someone in the living room. She's worried sick about you."

"Describe this person for me."

"Well, let's see… She's your typical dumb blonde, has hideously sweet doe eyes, has marker all over her face, and prefers to be called 'Naruto the Whore Queen.'"

Sasuke sighed and deflated noticeably.

"Yep," Kisame patted him heartily on the shoulder, "Good luck with that one. She's a keeper alright. Looks like the kind of girl who, if you said you ate pussy, would probably smack you upside the head because you were cruel to cats."

"Hah, hah…" Sasuke laughed mirthlessly.

"Seriously though. You have no taste in women. Her chest is as flat as a salt plain."

"Kisame?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

----

Chibi Kisame: Muahahaha!

Chibi Sasuke: Ugh…

Me: Well? Good? No good? It took me so long to write this chapter because my mind was sucked away by Soul Calibur Three this week. XP Anyway…

Chibi Naruto: -watches infinitely confusing soap opera- Why is he doing the fish dance?

Chibi Gaara: He's dying of a rare form of cancer, hun.

Chibi Naruto: Oh my GAWD!

Me: I get sick and tired of 'I got lost in his/her eyes' scenes. They're so overrated. So I said hey, if you can get lost in someone's eyes, you can definitely get lost in their hair. Besides, I have a major hair fetish…

Chibi Neji: And at long last… the first of many nejigaara fluffy scenes!

Chibi Gaara: Literally!

Me: Yup! And there will be more to come. I _promise. _Review even more for Neji and Gaara!

Chibi Sasuke: There are, like, one hundred and ten reviews already…

Me: More! You can't feed a shark one hundred and ten tuna fish at once and expect it to live forever, you know.

Chibi Kisame: So _that's _why my pet shark 'Samehada the First' died! You're an inspiration, Swirly.

Me: Sharks and fluff aside, I can't live without your reviews!

Chibi Gaara: There's still pie left, so review, review, review!


	10. 10: Going commando

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto, my name would be… well, whatever the name is, it's not mine.

Me: -bangs forehead against desk-

Chibi Gaara: O.o

Chibi Sasuke: What the hell are you doing?

Me: I got my Konohagakure forehead protector in the mail yesterday! I'm trying it out!

Chibi Sasuke: What a moron…

Chibi Gaara: Indeed…

Chibi Naruto: Ooh! Let me try! –bangs head on desk too-

Chibi Gaara: I'm speechless.

Chibi Sasuke: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Chibi Gaara: You got that right…

Chibi Sasuke: …

Chibi Gaara: …

Chibi Sasuke: …

Chibi Naruto: Wheeeeeeeee! X3

Chibi Gaara: …

Me: Wheeeeeeee! X3

Chibi Sasuke: Oh to hell with it. –bangs forehead on desk-

Chibi Gaara: Riiight… Well, while that's going on, here's another excruciatingly long chapter, slaved over for your (hopefully) enjoyment by none other than Swirly herself. Read, review, and relax!

((Sorry for the X-tra long wait. I've got writer's block and stuff to do…))

**J L H _10!_** (I love you all! XD)

There was a creepy man over at Sasuke's house last night. He circled around the room like a vulture in the sky, or perhaps a shark confined in a pool. The latter seemed more likely.

He looked like a shark, he smelled like a shark, and if sharks could talk, he might have even sounded like one. His voice was rough like shark skin, and he didn't seem like the most amiable person in the entire world.

In short, Naruto wasn't sure he liked him all that much.

He seemed a bit too shady.

What did Sasuke say his name was? Ki-something-or-other? Ki… He knew it started with Ki... kiss? Oh yes, it started with kiss…

_Kiss me._

Kisame.

That was it. Naruto knew it was some weird name. Naruto was a strange name itself, but that was beside the point.

He sat in his German class boredly tapping his fingers against the table. He wanted to go home.

Speaking of home, Sasuke hadn't gotten to go over to his house yesterday. He made a mental note to himself to drag the Uchiha off to his house the next time he fainted during school hours.

His morning classes went by quickly, with the exception of geometry, which was always a pain in the ass.

He was walking down the hallway when he noticed something rather odd going on near the front doors of the school. He wondered curiously what it was.

A crowd was gathered around outside. As Naruto wriggled his way through it, he noticed that all the people were at least one foot taller than him. Naruto could only figure that they were seniors, even though no one had to be that tall to be taller than him. They all sweated and reeked of body odor.

Naruto was in danger of passing out from the smell, but his curiosity got the better of him and he shoved his way through. All the kids in the circle were punching the air and crying, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Interesting.

He peeked around the side of an abnormally tall boy.

There, in the middle of the crowd, being held by the collar of his trench coat, was none other than Gaara himself.

Naruto sighed exasperatedly. Why was he _not _surprised?

Gaara had gotten himself into one too many fights for Naruto to fear for his safety. Gaara never lost a fight. Dynamite came in small packages, did it not? And if Naruto remembered correctly, dynamite was also wrapped in red paper.

Gaara was dynamite.

Good for him!

The greasy kid laughed, "So you really are a faggot after all."

Naruto lifted an eyebrow. So? So Gaara liked guys. That was no reason for anyone to pick a friggin' fight with him!

Gaara still had his passive look plastered on his face. "Put me down," was the only reply the other teen received.

Naruto glared as the idiot grabbed onto Gaara's throat and shook him. Gaara, of course, stayed calm and made no attempt to pry the teen's hands off of his jacket. If he did, then he'd be giving the boy just what he wanted. Gaara didn't want that to happen now, did he?

"Stop," Gaara warned with a strong voice. Naruto was amazed at how he could talk like that while his windpipe was being crushed by a bodybuilder.

Gaara was just magical that way.

The greasy kid smirked, "No, I don't think I will. You're gay. You probably don't have the guts to squish a bug." He had since stopped crushing Gaara's neck and was now once again holding him off of the ground by his collar. Gaara rolled his eyes at this, droning, "Bugs, no. Bugs don't bother me. I have no problem with squishing people like you, though."

"You talk big for a midget."

"Don't make me kick your ass."

"Bet you're too short to kick that high!"

In response to this, Gaara's boot-clad foot connected with the teen's groin. He howled in agony, releasing Gaara and buckling slightly. The crowd laughed and jeered. Naruto snickered. That was one advantage of being short…

Gaara casually brushed himself off as if nothing had happened. "You bitch!" the teen bellowed hoarsely. Gaara only snorted and made his way toward the inner ring of the crowd.

Naruto watched as the teen jerked him back with such force that Gaara's eyes widened ever so slightly. He quickly composed himself though, turning around to glare his annoyed little glare at the offending boy. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"Stupid little faggot…"

"You called?"

"You admitted it then!" The teen turned triumphantly to his audience. "He really is a faggot!" he yelled, raising his arms. Naruto coughed and fanned himself. He swore he saw two boys fall over backwards.

When he lowered his arms again, Naruto felt like falling to his knees and praising whatever god there was that he had been spared.

He didn't though.

There were a lot of ridiculous things he didn't do.

Gaara rolled his eyes as he straightened up his trench coat. The teen swaggered his way over to the redhead, dramatically leaning over to illustrate the difference in height between Gaara and himself.

Then Naruto saw him do something even a kid from the Mist district wouldn't dare to do. He was sure that God himself wouldn't even risk doing it.

He kicked Gaara in the face.

Gaara caught himself on one elbow as he hit the ground. Naruto gasped as the rest of the crowd made surprised 'ooh's and 'ahh's.

Naruto gulped. He didn't even know the name of the kid who dared to kick Gaara.

And now…

That kid was going to die.

Gaara didn't move. He didn't breathe. He didn't make a sound. The kid, assuming that he had won, gloated over this turn of events and smugly squished Gaara's back beneath his foot.

He leaned down and breathed in Gaara's ear, snidely saying, "And now I can go tell all my friends that Gaara of Suna is just a defenseless little faggot."

Naruto's eyes widened as a fist shot up from nowhere and sucker-punched the teen right in the jaw. While the kid was recovering from the initial shock, Gaara slowly picked himself up off of the ground. He walked quietly and purposefully over to the injured boy.

"Yes," Gaara smiled evilly and his green eyes sparkled, "It's just as you say. I'm gay. A poor, defenseless little midget. I couldn't kill a bug if I tried. I am, as you so lovingly word it, a faggot."

He nailed the teen in the forehead with a single, well-aimed punch. Naruto winced. He swore he could hear something breaking…

Gaara grabbed a fistful of the teen's bloody, wiry, brown hair, smiling like a lunatic.

"And now…" his grin widened even more.

"You can tell your friends that you've been beaten by that faggot."

----

Sasuke milled about outside the school as he normally did during lunch. School was boring, and lunch didn't help the matter. He wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep the day away.

Sadly though, he was stuck.

Stuck in a school full of nut-jobs.

Through his perfectly miserable state of mind, something caught Sasuke's attention. There was a rapidly growing crowd shuffling and jumping about near the front of the school. Normally, he wouldn't be interested. Sasuke, however, was incredibly bored.

Boredom was lethal.

He sighed and walked grudgingly over to the source of all the commotion. People were yelling and throwing their fists into the air. Must have been a fight.

Fights were nothing new, but as Sasuke neared the crowd, he noticed that there were many more people there than he thought.

Interesting.

This might have been worth his time after all.

He fought his way into the impossibly noisy group of people. As he side-stepped an incoming human projectile, he began to wonder what the hell was going on. Bodies were being launched into the air and the sounds of bone-crushing punches penetrated through the noise.

Sasuke assumed that it was a one-on-one fight that turned into a free-for-all. Someone probably had a buddy who got his ass kicked, so this someone had to play hero and avenge their buddy.

How typical.

"Go Gaara go! Kick his ass!" Sasuke's ears pricked. Was that Naruto? He suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to find the girl and get her away from the area as soon as possible. Why was she there in the first place? She was a prime target. Small, cute, and defenseless.

Women… Always getting themselves into trouble.

He'd never understand them.

He heard another energetic whoop. "Oh yeah! Take that! You just got your fat ass kicked by a fairy!" Naruto's voice squeaked. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Naruto!" Gaara's voice growled.

"Well, you're a very buff fairy, okay?"

Rhyming! Augh!

This answer must have been good enough for Gaara, for he said nothing more on the matter and Naruto continued to cheer him on. Sasuke followed her voice through the bustling mass of teenagers. He ducked as a fist swung over his head and connected with someone else's face.

He began to doubt if he'd make it out of this brawl in one piece. Another screeching human body sailed unceremoniously past his right shoulder and landed in the mud.

He found Naruto at last, jumping around her friend with a concentrated glare on her face. She clenched her fists together and yelled at the top of her lungs as Gaara skillfully dodged a horrendous kick in the side. Gaara then disposed of his adversary with a swift kick in the ribs. Naruto leapt into the air and whooped like a madman. She smiled and gave Gaara a quick high five.

Sasuke blinked.

When Naruto smiled, her face disappeared…

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT HERE?"

Sasuke watched as almost all movement in the crowd ceased. Even Naruto jerked her jaw shut and kept it that way.

Sasuke apathetically turned in the direction of the voice. Tsunade was fuming on the top step of the school, tapping her foot angrily against the concrete.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Naruto tapping her fingers together. Gaara cast her a backward glance and rolled his eyes. Sasuke's attention was redirected to Tsunade as she snapped her fingers impatiently.

Her eyes surveyed the crowd. Looking for easy prey, Sasuke supposed. "You!" she pointed a finger at a sickly-looking boy with blonde hair, "What happened?" As soon as she finished her inquiry, the kid stuttered, "Umm, I, um…" Tsunade definitely loved to intimidate, didn't she? She gave the kid a superiorly menacing look. "I don't know!" He stammered, "All I know is that there was a fight because someone said someone else was gay and…"

"You people should know better than to talk about Sasuke like that," she said with a smirk. The crowd laughed.

Bitch!

"I'm right here, wench," Sasuke growled.

The crowd gaped, and Sasuke's ego could no longer fit inside a football stadium. He took great pride in knowing that he was one of the few who could disrespect Tsunade in such a way.

"Oh, that's right," Tsunade waved her hand dismissively, "I forgot that you were Naruto's bitch now. My bad."

Sasuke's eye twitched.

He was about to say something when suddenly a painful cry shot up from the background. Tsunade paid it no heed. "Oh, now look, Sasuke," she feigned sorrow, "You must've broken another girl's heart."

Sure enough, three girls wove their way through the crowd carrying a rather dead-looking Ino over their heads. Sasuke swore the three girls had tears running down their faces.

"Back to the task at hand…" Tsunade cleared her throat, "Now who really started this mess?"

Countless hands pointed at Gaara, who only gave them the 'you-are-all-such-fucking-liars' glare. Tsunade crossed her arms. "Is this true?" she asked.

Gaara opened his mouth, but Naruto's voice rang out. "It's not his fault! Some idiot had the nerve to call him a faggot, so he got what he deserved!"

"Quiet, brat," the principal droned.

Naruto pouted and crossed her arms, trying to think of a comeback. Sasuke couldn't help but notice how damn cute she was when she did that. He swore the tempered steel plating around his heart was melting.

Gaara stared peculiarly at his friend. "So…" Tsunade's annoyed voice made him turn his head around. "He insulted me," stated Gaara easily. Tsunade raised an eyebrow, "Then what?"

Gaara coolly shifted his weight from one foot to the other, "then he decided to be a smart-ass and he kicked me."

Tsunade waited for him to continue, "And…?"

"I broke his face."

While Tsunade contemplated Gaara's answer, Sasuke could hear Naruto adding under her breath, "and his leg, and his arm, and a few of his ribs, and his back, and his neck, and his skull, and…"

Sasuke sighed. At least he knew now what was going on…

"Well," Tsunade wore her usual smug smirk, "As of right now, I really don't care who started it. Because…" Sasuke cringed as Tsunade's smile got bigger, "You're all in detention after school!"

What the hell?

Groans and whines were heard all around. Sasuke spat. How absurd. Most of these kids were going to skip anyway. There had to be at least sixty kids in this group. There was no way she could keep track of all of them.

Right?

"And don't think of skipping. You might not think I'll remember your face, but you're wrong. I'm the principal and I know everything."

So much for that idea.

"If you skip, there are consequences. And remember, I know where you live."

Creepy bitch…

Who did she think she was? _No one _could make Uchiha Sasuke do what he didn't want to do. Absolutely no one.

A few of the people around him looked worriedly at each other. Gaara accepted his fate and didn't protest. Naruto, on the other hand…

Her arms flailed and she screeched like mad. Sasuke watched as she stomped around like an angry, pink dragon. He swore that there was smoke coming out of her ears. He shook his head.

What an idiot.

Tsunade smugly waved good-bye and vanished through the school doors. Sasuke cursed and shook his fist at her receding figure. How could she do this to him? He never got detention! Uchihas did _not _have to stay after school!

He hotly repeated to himself that he was wrongly accused. He didn't do anything.

Yeah.

Take that, bitch!

Sasuke decided he'd walk over to Naruto, who continued hissing and growling angrily. "So," he droned more to himself than to Naruto, "I suppose I'm stuck with you for another half hour after school."

Naruto's face brightened several shades. Sasuke took a surprised and alarmed step back as the sugar-high blonde tried to tackle him. As he had assumed, Naruto missed her mark and flew headlong into a conveniently placed puddle of mud.

Gaara sighed, "She's had one too many sugar cubes."

"I see…" Sasuke replied as Naruto dug herself out of the mud. Her clothes were ruined, that much Sasuke knew. She only glanced at them, however, before swiftly and unexpectedly lunging out at Sasuke.

This time, Sasuke didn't have time to dodge.

He was bowled over by a triumphantly laughing Naruto. "Thought you could dodge me this time, did you?" She said with a smirk.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "I did that on purpose."

"Oh I'm sure," Naruto said smugly, rolling off of Sasuke.

Sasuke noticed that Gaara was no longer in sight. He peered past his shoulder and lo and behold, there was Gaara.

And there was Neji.

His rival looked, dare he say it, somewhat concerned. Neji was frowning and pointing at a large, black bruise on the redhead's wrist. Gaara was shrugging his shoulders in his regular display of 'It's-no-big-deal' ness. Sasuke snorted. Why did the redhead constantly have to convince others that he was just fine when he obviously wasn't?

"Hey Sasuke?" the blonde girl's voice caught his attention.

Sasuke glared up at her, "What?"

"Um, you look… kinda' bad today. I think you should stay home. You'll fall asleep again."

Sasuke picked himself off of the ground and scoffed angrily, "I'm just fine!"

"Oh," Naruto tilted her head, "Okay…" Suddenly, a mischievous gleam flashed in her eyes, "'cause if you fall asleep again, I'm gonna' drag you to my house by your toes and draw things all over your face!"

"Whatever," Sasuke said tiredly.

Damn!

He was doing just fine until the blonde idiot_ had_ to remind himwhat had been bothering him for the past few days.

"You're no fun at all!" Naruto piped up.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "I'm not fun, Dobe. You should have known that by now."

Naruto only smiled at him and flipped him the bird. Sasuke smiled at this. Two things that didn't go together at all. He supposed he and Naruto didn't fit well either, but here they were.

If he had to be represented by one of those actions, he'd be the finger and Naruto'd be the smile.

"What's wrong with you?" Naruto growled with her hands on her hips. "I flip you off and it has the complete opposite effect on you! It's supposed to make you mad, dammit!"

Sasuke smirked, "And it's supposed to make me so mad that I want to have hot, kinky, angry sex with you, right?"

"Yeah! And- wait a second!" Naruto's face turned a bright pink color, "That's dirty, you rat bastard!" She took a swing at him. Sasuke ducked expertly and Naruto's fist flew harmlessly over his head.

"You know," he began as he dodged another punch, "You have the worst aim I've ever seen."

"Oh yeah? Well they say that even a girl with the worst aim can hit if she tries enough times!" She lunged at him again and Sasuke side-stepped just in time.

"Oh please. You have the aim of a drunk, stoned cow, and the luck of a wingless chicken on a cutting board."

"Yeah? Well you… you…"

"Yes?"

"Your mom!"

"I don't have one, remember?"

"Damn!" Naruto snapped her fingers and assumed a meditative look. "That's two people that won't work on now."

Sasuke was suddenly interested. No one was more misfortunate than he was. No one could possibly surpass him in terms of a tragic past life!

"No, I guess Haku makes three."

What?

Those brats could steal all of his attention! Sasuke snorted. Well, he betted that none of them had their entire families murdered by one of their own…

"Who's the other one then?" Sasuke asked irritably.

Naruto raised an eyebrow at this. "Um," she began warily, "Gaara." She paused for a moment, "His mom got murdered by a gang. Shu-something-or-other…"

Sasuke was suddenly interested. "Shukaku?" he clarified cautiously.

Naruto blinked suspiciously at him, "Yes." Her face suddenly changed, "Whoa! Look what time it is! We'd better get to art class!"

The topic died then and there.

Sasuke was reluctantly towed up the stairs by an energetic Naruto. The Dobe could be such a nuisance sometimes.

He retreated into his thoughts for a moment as the hyperactive moron tugged him around a corner. He knew the name Shukaku. The gang had been around since he was born. But for some reason, all of its members vanished suddenly, leaving no clues to their fates.

Sasuke suspected that another gang might have had something to do with it.

His brother always used to talk to him about a group of criminals who called themselves the 'Akatsuki.' He always spoke so highly of them, saying they were by far the most powerful and organized gang in history. If there was any criminal activity in which the Akatsuki were involved, he'd be the first to know about it.

Sasuke secretly blamed this group of terrorists for the actions of his brother. Maybe it was his admiration for them that drove him to do what he did.

"Earth to Sasuke! Come in, Sasuke!"

Said boy blinked as he snapped back to reality. Naruto was waving her hand in front of his face. He agitatedly swatted her hand away and glared. "What do you want, Dobe?"

"What the hell's with the 'Dobe' thing, mister pet-name fetish?" She sighed, "Anyway, do you want a pop or something?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "I thought we were going to be late for class."

Naruto smiled sheepishly, "The clock outside is apparently five minutes too fast."

"Uh huh…" Sasuke's voice dripped with undisguised sarcasm.

"So what will it be then?" Naruto asked cheerily, pointing to her left. Sasuke's eyes drifted in the direction she was pointing. Off to the side of the hall was a pop machine. Was she offering to buy him something? He glanced questioningly at the blonde.

"I've got money to spare! Pick a drink!" She said with her normally high tone of voice.

Sasuke frowned. "I thought you were poor."

"I am!" Naruto squeaked, "but I have money and I'm thirsty. If I get a pop, you get a pop!"

Sasuke was indecisive.

"Aw, come on! Stop being such a stick in the mud! Besides," Naruto leered, "It's free for you. Good deal, right?"

What was she getting at? Sasuke became more than a little suspicious. There was a catch. He could smell it.

"If you're going to be such a snot, I have no problem with keeping my money. Have it your way." Naruto glanced over her shoulder like she was expecting Sasuke to jump at the proposal.

Well too bad, bitch.

Sasuke growled inwardly. He could take care of himself. Sure, the freeness of it all was tempting, but Sasuke decided he'd be a stick in the mud as Naruto said. Rather a stick in the mud than a rat in a trap.

"I'm not thirsty, thanks," he said, waving her off.

As he expected, the girl's face turned sour and she muttered as she got herself a pop.

----

Damn Uchiha!

Not accepting his free pop offer…

Now he couldn't tell Sasuke that he owed Naruto a visit at his house. His master plan had backfired!

Son of a bitch!

Time to devise a new and _better _master plan. Now then…

How to get the Uchiha to go home with him _without_ having to knock him out first…

Ah, well. He'd probably end up knocking himself out by the end of the day. Toward the last two school periods, he would mysteriously lapse into an extremely sleepy mood. Naruto could only wonder what could possibly do such a thing to him.

Maybe he was on some creepy medication thing.

Or drugs.

What was it that Tsunade mentioned the other day?

Heroine?

Maybe Sasuke was on heroine.

…

…_naw_…

"If you don't walk faster, we _are_ going to be late, Dobe!"

Naruto was now being led by an irritated Sasuke, instead of the other way around. He quickly sped up to match the pace of the Uchiha.

Heroine…

Well, that would explain why he acted the way he did. It would explain why he looked the way he did sometimes too.

Naruto shook himself out of it. No! Sasuke wasn't on drugs! Medication, maybe, but not drugs. Sasuke was rich. Only ghetto people thought of doing things like that, right? There was no way a well-to-do person like Sasuke could possibly stoop that low.

_The higher you are, the farther you fall…_

Iruka said that once.

But how could Sasuke fall? If he fell, there would be two feet's worth of plush leather pillows, six limos, his car, the hand of God, and six billion fan girls ready to catch him.

And there would be a suave-smelling crystal elevator waiting to take him back to the top again.

Naruto was put into a somewhat depressed mood when Gaara didn't show up for the duration of art class. He debated whether or not to sit with the Uchiha. He glanced over his shoulder to find a few pairs of mascara-laden, beady eyes squinting devilishly at him from one corner of the room.

He couldn't sit with Sasuke.

He'd be burned alive by girls!

Wait, no. He'd be given a hideous makeover, have his hair dyed a horrible color, be drowned in cheap perfume, and then be burned alive.

Yeah.

He briefly sized up his opponents.

He returned the girls' cold looks with an unexpected impish smile. Their glares faltered somewhat.

He'd fight tooth and nail for Sasuke. He worked too hard and too long to lose the Uchiha to a bunch of worthless women! He was going to march over to Sasuke and give him a bear hug!

Sasuke would probably hack his head off with a well-aimed karate chop, but what the hell!

Naruto left his chair and began trekking toward the dark-haired boy with triumphant strides. He was afraid of nothing!

He was NARUTO!

Naruto the Whore Queen!

He could tell that the girls in the corner of the room were tearing their hair out in silent horror as he suddenly wrapped his arms around Sasuke. He felt the Uchiha draw in a sharp breath and sit bolt upright in his chair. He was obviously uncomfortable with the situation.

Did Naruto care?

Hell no! He only snuggled further into Sasuke's shoulder.

"Naruto," Sasuke hissed hoarsely after a long and awkward silence, "get off." Upon hearing Sasuke's words, Naruto saw the opportunity to do the opposite. He squeaked and squeezed Sasuke tighter.

"You wouldn't do what I wanted, so why should I do what you want, huh?" He asked in his cutest girly-voice.

Sasuke, obviously clueless, growled, "What the fuck?"

Naruto smiled, "You wouldn't let me buy you a pop."

Oh, yes. His backfired plan was coming back beautifully.

"That's it? You're attacking me for not letting you give me something? Bullshit." He attempted to pry Naruto's arms away, "Get off of me, Dobe!"

"Only if you let me buy you a pop, _Teme_!" said Naruto with a mischievous smile.

Yes, Sasuke. Let me buy you something so that you have no choice but to repay me. Oh, Naruto, you brilliant ball of brilliantly brilliant brilliance! He wanted to hug and applaud himself.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and gave in. "Fine," he grumbled, "Now get off. You're making a scene."

Sure enough, everyone, including the art teacher, was staring with amusement, horror, and amazement. Naruto happily let go of Sasuke and trotted over to his desk.

After class, Naruto bounced over to the fuming Uchiha. "So!" He piped up, "you gonna' let me buy you that pop now?"

He was expecting Sasuke to growl and slap him, but he only grinned evilly. Confusing. Hang on a sec. What was going on?

"Sasuke," Naruto put her hands on her hips, "what are you thinking about?" Sasuke didn't answer. Instead, to Naruto's surprise and alarm, he headed off in the direction opposite the pop machine.

It was alright. Sasuke was just going to the pop machine near the gym. That was quicker.

Yeah.

Naruto followed him through the hall. To his horror, Sasuke walked right past the second pop machine.

"Hold on, Sasuke! There's one right there!" Naruto caught up to the dark-haired boy and tugged on his sleeve.

"I know," came Sasuke's smug reply.

"I've got my money right here!" Naruto pointed energetically at a dollar bill that he pulled out of his backpack.

"I know," Sasuke said again.

"But," Naruto was confused. Sasuke had to fulfill his promise! Naruto had to take him to his house. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Sasuke crossed his arms smugly and leaned against the wall, "No."

"I'm going to buy you a pop, remember?" Naruto all but shouted.

Sasuke smirked. Naruto didn't like that look in his eye. Something was wrong here… terribly wrong.

"What pop?"

Oh! Mother fucker! Naruto wanted to go up to him and deck him in the face. For some reason, he stood back and stomped his feet furiously. He couldn't beat up Sasuke! Sasuke was just… too… SASUKE!

Naruto's jaw dropped. "What?" he screeched indignantly, "You promised!"

"No, I didn't," Sasuke said as-a-matter-of-factly, "You merely assumed I promised. I never really said it."

"Bullshit."

"Therefore, you owe me nothing," he paused, "Or rather, I owe you nothing."

Naruto tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

Sasuke spat, "Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do! You're luring me into some sort of trap. There's a catch. Believe me, I know when there's a catch."

"Bullshit."

"Whatever. If you want me to do something for you, just say so."

Just… say… so…? Naruto grinned like an idiot.

Sasuke's demeanor faltered slightly. "What?" He growled warily. He eyed Naruto suspiciously.

"Well then! Come over to my house after school today!" the blonde piped up.

Sasuke leered at him out of the corner of his eye. Naruto could tell he was especially suspicious of the situation. "Why?" he asked dryly.

"I've been to your house, so you're coming to mine! I'll drag you there if I have to. Of course, if I pull you there, everyone is going to see the mighty Uchiha Sasuke being dragged by his toes, kicking and screaming, by a little blonde girl!"

Pain! Humiliation! Happiness!

Sasuke reluctantly agreed to go with Naruto to his house. The blonde was overjoyed, skipping happily off to the girls' locker room.

When he entered the gym, He noticed that Gaara, who he hadn't seen last period, was sitting silently on the floor. "Where were you?" Naruto hissed.

Gaara glanced at him in his usual, uncaring manner, "Tsunade was going to suspend me, but she didn't."

Naruto didn't ask why.

Once Kakashi arrived, which, as usual, was a little late, he informed the students with a serene smile, that if they didn't win the dodge ball game, he'd cut their hearts out and eat them while they watched.

Naruto liked Kakashi.

He was just so damn cool!

Sasuke on the other hand, who seemed considerably less impressed, rolled his eyes and looked away.

Naruto frowned and huffed to himself.

Right.

Sasuke's too good to recognize the obvious genius Kakashi is.

Moreover, he couldn't realize the super genius Naruto was!

Smart! Naruto was smart! He just… didn't know it yet!

Grrr…

His train of thought was derailed with a bang as another class thundered through the gym doors. Naruto's eyebrow shot up curiously. There were a few weird looking people in that class…

One guy had dark, shaggy hair and black, beady eyes like a dog. His shirt even had an old school logo on it. A blue husky. Naruto's eyes widened.

That was his school mascot when he was still in grade school!

That meant that this person went to his old school!

Naruto struggled to put a face with a name, but the more aged memories in his head were covered in cobwebs. Hm… apparently his brain needed some dusting.

Another guy was… well, Naruto didn't bother thinking up a better word. This kid was fat. Fat, fat, fat. Naruto recalled seeing him a few times in the hall. He was always munching on a bag of potato chips.

There were, as usual, seven or eight girls who saw Sasuke and made strange, cooing noises. Naruto glanced over his shoulder to see that their cooing had gotten the attention of Sasuke, who looked like he was going to get sick all over the gym floor at the very sight of them.

Naruto knew that their little coos would never make Sasuke budge. Certain things only came when one performed certain calls. For example, moose never answer turkey calls. Naruto prided himself in knowing the only call that could get Sasuke's attention.

A duck call.

Naruto sized up his competition as they assembled themselves at the other end of the gym. He snorted. None of them looked all that tough. Hell, this was going to be cake!

"You see those people over there?" Kakashi indicated to the other class with a point of the finger, "Those are your enemies. Now, I'm feeling good today, so I'm going to put on my normal gym teacher façade and say-"

"DRAMATIC ENTRANCE!"

Naruto jumped and squeaked. Homigawd! What the flying fuck was that?

Kakashi was interrupted when the gym door behind him was suddenly jerked off of its hinges and sent crashing to the floor. Bits and pieces of brick, plaster and paint from the wall came raining down in a very low-visibility dust cloud.

"Ah, Gai," Kakashi said in a mutedly annoyed sort of voice, "I thought you were a bit late."

Naruto watched in rapt fascination as a short-haired man emerged from the cloud, brushing himself off.

"Ah, rival Kakashi!" the man exclaimed enthusiastically, "With all due respect, Team Gai will emerge victorious from this battle of wits and strength!"

And balls, Naruto added with the part of his conscious that Jiraiya built.

Kakashi had that ambiguous blank look in his eye as he stared at the other teacher. He only shook his head and said nothing.

"Good luck trying to beat our elite skill and strategy, rival Kakashi!" Naruto watched with interest as this 'Gai' person glided over to his half of the gym and began to take roll. The blonde shook his head. This guy was just… too weird for his liking.

He was a friggin' screwball!

Naruto turned to Gaara, saying, "What kind of dumbass runs around breaking doors down anyhow?"

"That one," Gaara said pointedly.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "That was a rhetorical question!"

"You don't know what that means."

"Fine!"

Naruto crossed his arms and angrily screwed up his face. Gaara knew too much.

"Where's Lee?"

Naruto snapped his head over in the direction of the other class. Gai had an unusually astonished look on his face. A girl with her dark hair tied back in two identical buns raised her hand. "Yes, TenTen?"

"I haven't seen him today, Sensei. I think he's sick or something."

"WHAT?" Gai assumed a look of deep thought, "He's never missed school. Even when he had influenza A he didn't miss school."

"I thought he got hit by a truck," TenTen said with a confused tone.

"No, it's called the Hit-by-a-truck-flu because that's how one feels. Not because they got run over. Clear?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"Has anyone seen Lee?" Gai asked worriedly.

Naruto and Gaara both looked at each other. Gaara shrugged his shoulders. Naruto looked back over at Gai.

Naruto was profoundly confused. When he was sick, he jumped at the chance to stay home and do nothing but sleep and eat ramen. This 'Lee' never missed school? He never experienced the joy of skipping? Was he self-destructive or something?

"Lee was in a few of my classes last year," Neji had relocated himself to Gaara's side and was explaining the situation. "He was always at school, sick or well, and he did all the extra-curricular activities he could do. He was constantly trying to do his best, the fool, but no matter how hard he tried, he had a C-plus average in school."

So? Naruto had a C-plus average too!

HiHHHhHhHis suspicions were confirmed. Lee didn't know how to have fun.

Neji smirked, "He was constantly blabbering about how he'd beat me in anything, spots, academics-"

"And we _all_ know that would be impossible…" Gaara muttered.

Naruto blinked.

What was this?

Good natured sarcasm from Gaara?

Holy Jesus!

Neji fell silent for a moment, casting a look at Gaara that Naruto couldn't read. "Anyway, he never did. I aced tests, ran faster, and got more fan mail than he ever did. Come to think of it, I don't think he's ever gotten a single love letter in his life."

Naruto spat at him. He was getting a little too cocky. "So he's gotten no fan letters, and you've gotten, what, one?" Naruto sneered.

"One hundred and twenty one," Neji said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Damn you!" Naruto gritted his teeth.

"Do you count them or something?" Gaara muttered with a peculiar look on his face.

Neji just gave him another one of his looks. Naruto was getting annoyed. Did they have some sort of secret body-language code? Gaara replied to Neji's stare with an uncaring shrug of the shoulder.

Kakashi had wandered over to Gai and Naruto could hear the two of them speaking.

"I guess we'll just have to start without him, eh?" Kakashi said with a smug undertone in his voice.

Gai muttered a bit, then condescended and made his way, defeated, back over to his class.

A few minutes later and both classes were lined up against opposite walls. "It's about time," Naruto heard Gaara growl to himself. He smiled. His friend always did love beating the shit out of other people.

"Ready, and-"

BANG!

Gai was about to blow the whistle, when the gym door, which Gai had knocked down and had been put back into place by Kakashi, was suddenly re-floored and the dust on the ground flew up into the air once again.

"I'm here, Gai Sensei!" A voice rang out.

Gai's eyes misted over and a ridiculous smile wormed its way onto his face. He enthusiastically spread his arms and rushed in the direction of the dust cloud.

"LEE!"

----

What the hell was going on?

Sasuke swore that 'Team Gai' couldn't get much weirder. Fuck, they were even more screwed up than his class!

He couldn't hide his befuddlement any longer. When the door dropped for the second time, Sasuke could do nothing but stare with a look of the most profound confusion plastered on his face.

The boy who burst through the door a split second ago was dashing toward Gai with tears sparkling in his eyes. Sasuke peered closer at the two of them.

He blinked once.

They had exactly the same haircuts.

And expressions.

And outfits.

And…

…Eyebrows?

What the fuck?

This 'Lee' person was just a mini Gai! Were they related or something? Sasuke continued to stare and his eye couldn't stop twitching.

The two freaks met at the center of the gym floor in a tearful reunion.

"Gai Sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai Sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai Sensei!"

"Lee!"

Enough already! Sasuke thought his eyes were going to melt and his brain was going to bleed out of his ears if he withstood a moment more of this.

"Gai Sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai Sensei!"

"Lee!"

Sasuke wanted to scream. The repetition of it all tempted him to the point where he almost did scream obscenities at the top of his lungs. As a matter of fact, he was going to, until Naruto's voice interrupted him.

"Aaah! Make it stop! My ears are bleeding!" She harped in her bitchy voice.

"Yes, get on with it," Gaara added in his usual annoyed way. Neji only rolled his eyes.

Sasuke sighed in relief as the incessant name repetition stopped.

The two didn't seem to care about the people who were so recently insulting them, as they continued there conversation.

"Gai Sensei! Forgive me! I was late!" Lee whined enthusiastically.

"Nonsense! You're right on time!" Gai exclaimed.

"Thank you, Gai Sensei!"

"Yes," he paused and his face went from euphorically happy to hellishly angry, "Just remember never to be late again!"

Lee started to cry, "I won't, Gai Sensei!"

To Sasuke's ever-growing confusion, Gai's face lit up and the tears returned to his eyes. "That's the spirit! Hug!"

The both of them were smiling again in a great bear hug.

Sasuke shook his head unbelievingly, as did the rest of the class. The other class, on the other hand, hung their heads in slight embarrassment, as if all of this had happened so many times before.

It probably had, Sasuke concluded. He looked over at Naruto, whose comical expression almost made him laugh out loud. She was stomping about in her usual pissed-pink-dragon-princess manner while gritting her teeth, clenching her fists, and growling. Gaara was leaning off to the side and looking on like he didn't know her, and Neji was right beside him doing the same.

Poor unfortunate souls. He pitied the people who had been dragged by their toes into being friends with her. Then again, wasn't Sasuke friends with her? Check that. He was her boyfriend now, wasn't he?

He laughed to himself.

Another thing added to his list of why people should be sorry for him.

Lee waved an exaggerated farewell to his teacher before lining up on his side of the gym.

Gai picked up where he left off.

"Ready, and… GO!"

The bushy-browed teacher blew the whistle and both sides sprang into action. Sasuke wasn't in his most energetic of moods, so he let everyone else do the work for him. They'd go to the front and either retrieve a ball, or get hit by one first.

In no time at all, Sasuke was chucking the foam objects all around the room. He picked off the weak-looking people first. He figured he'd lower their numbers before he took his chances at the better players.

To his surprise, that goofy 'Lee' kid, who acted like the king of the pansies earlier, was actually pretty fast. He dodged right and left, jumped and ducked, bobbed and weaved.

He threw pretty well too. He heard another person on his side of the gym moan in pain. Meanwhile, Lee was on the opposite side, looking triumphant and sorry at the same time.

Now, Sasuke, as usual, was feeling incredibly tired due to the mystery ingredient in his heroine. Therefore, he was only mildly surprised when he got pegged in the side by a ball.

He angrily looked down on the offending ball before stalking out of the war zone. Under normal circumstances, he'd be mad as hell. But he was too tired to throw a temper tantrum. He figured he'd be back on the floor in no time at the rate Gaara was going. The redheaded wonder caught every single ball that flew his way.

The other team was purposely not throwing balls in his direction for this reason. Gaara though, being the person his reputation warned to be, jumped at the chance to cause any misery to the other team. He jumped in front of other people just so he could catch whatever ball there was and watch the person who threw it drag their body across the floor and into the out line.

And where was Naruto during all this?

The girl was scampering about like a crazed lunatic, throwing balls this way and that. To Sasuke's surprise, despite how high she aimed, she wasn't out yet. By all means, someone should have caught the ball she threw by then.

Odd.

Her skills had improved.

Slightly.

Sasuke watched as a little, blonde head of hair skittered across the floor. She squeaked as a ball nearly sailed headlong into her shoulder. She swooped down and picked up a green ball, using it to deflect another one before she pegged someone in the leg with it.

"You're up next, Duck hair."

Sasuke glared accusingly at his teacher, who glared right back.

"You know about that?" he grumbled to Kakashi. The silver-haired man only gave him a blank look. "Sasuke, everyone knows about that."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"So, you feeling well enough to keep playing?" Kakashi said with a hint of worry in his voice.

Sasuke glared. Of course he was well enough! He didn't need anyone worrying about him. He was just fine.

Just fine.

"I'm not two years old, you know," he growled, "I can take care of myself."

"'Suit yourself,' the man said knowingly…" Kakashi mumbled in third person.

Sasuke snorted. He returned his attention to the game. His eyes followed Gaara. If anyone was going to catch the ball that set him free, though he hated to admit it, it was going to be Gaara.

"You're up," Kakashi said offhandedly. Sasuke looked questioningly at the teacher. Gaara hadn't done anything yet. Was this some stupid, doesn't-make-sense, lame-ass, random trick?

As if reading his mind, Kakashi replied, "Your girlfriend caught it."

Sure enough, there was Naruto, dancing around the floor with a ball in her hands. Sasuke didn't ask. He meandered back onto the floor, dodging a ball as it flew off to his right.

He sighed.

He'd been doing a lot of dodging today and it was beginning to make him sick.

Naruto seemed to be in a one-on-one battle with the kid who looked like a dog. The shaggy-haired boy threw a ball at her and she jumped to the side, then growled, then muttered to herself, then shook her fist and yelled in a swear-every-other-word fashion.

Sasuke decided to leave her alone for the while.

He wasn't feeling remotely compassionate toward her like he was in the morning. She needed to deal with her own problems.

He picked up a ball, wondering remotely where Lee was.

Maybe kicking the pansy's ass would brighten his day.

"Uchiha-san!" An annoying voice called from the other side of the gym, "Over here!"

Sasuke jerked his head over in the direction of the voice. He immediately found what he was looking for.

There was Lee. He was standing off to the side with the most peculiarly determined expression on his face. His eyes were straight forward, looking at Sasuke, his bushy eyebrows were knit together in concentration, and his lips were pressed together in a thin line.

Wary of his surroundings, Sasuke wandered over to Lee. Much to his surprise, instead of saying, 'psyche,' and throwing a ball in his face, Lee started a monologue.

"Sakura-chan likes you a lot," he exclaimed.

News flash!

"Whenever I ask her out, she always goes and says something about how she loves you so much more! She tells me about how much better your hair is than mine, how much prettier your eyes are than mine, and how much thinner your eyebrows are than mine!"

True… so true…

"She thinks I'm a good-for-nothing when compared to you! So I'm going to prove to her that I'm the best!"

And how did he propose to do that? A pussy-fight?

"By defeating YOU!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

Lee grabbed a nearby ball and chucked it at Sasuke. The black-haired boy leaned to his other side just in time for the ball to glide past him.

Well, that was unexpected, wasn't it?

Quick as lightning, Lee flung another foam projectile at him, which he ducked and rolled past. As soon as he got up, he had to dodge again.

Jesus Christ!

This kid was serious!

Sasuke found his hidden reserves of energy and promptly put them to use. He flung a ball at Lee, which the green-clad kid danced nimbly away from.

Sasuke was dumbfounded.

Here was someone he just might have to take seriously.

"It's no use, Uchiha-san! I'm too fast for you!" Lee yelled with utmost seriousness. For once, Sasuke had to agree.

He barely jumped aside in time for another ball to bounce past.

Dammit! His mind was getting blurry and his movements were becoming sluggish. His arms and legs felt like they were made of sand. At this rate, he wasn't going to last much longer.

His prediction proved true when a ball smacked him in the chest.

Hard.

Sasuke lost his balance and fell backward, teetering on one foot before hitting the ground and getting the wind knocked out of him a second time.

What was wrong with him?

He wasn't nearly as fast as he normally was, his mind was a muddled mess, and he felt an odd, burning sensation in the back of his head. What really troubled him though, was the fact that he couldn't move.

He willed his arms to pick him up off of the floor and his legs to walk him out of the way, but none of these things happened as all of Sasuke's body refused to budge.

To his relief, his immobility lasted only a few seconds and he painstakingly lifted himself off of the floor.

"Sasuke-TEME!"

Sasuke's eyes focused, seeing an upset-looking Naruto sitting off on the sidelines. She was jumping up and down, screeching something to Kakashi, who was already walking in his direction. Sasuke looked around. The entire game was put on hold. Both classes were staring at him.

How embarrassing…

"Yo!" Kakashi had his attention again, "You alright?"

Sasuke growled irritably, rubbing the back of his head. "Yes," he growled, "I'm fi-" Sasuke stopped suddenly when he felt something wet and sticky clinging to his hair. He brought his hand to his face, hissing when he saw that it was covered in blood.

"Shit…"

"Fine, huh?" Kakashi walked closer, "You know, I think a week off would do you good. Eat, sleep, see a doctor."

"You're not my mom, Kakashi," Sasuke snarled.

"You know," Kakashi said with a blank look in his eye, "I really don't give a fuck."

Sasuke debated whether or not to remark on that last statement, and chose not to. He resigned without another word and followed Kakashi. "I'm taking this one to the office," Kakashi sighed tiredly to his rival, "He's been acting funny lately. Continue the game without us."

Sasuke silently followed him out the door.

He was dimly aware of Naruto's eyes following him worriedly until the door closed behind him.

Sasuke had opted to stay quiet, and Kakashi said nothing. In short, it was a long, quiet walk to the office. Sasuke, who normally liked peace and quiet, was finding it harder and harder to stand.

Must've been from being around Naruto too much.

The absence of her endless ramblings was somewhat creepy.

Sasuke ran another hand through his hair, trying to keep the blood from dripping in a trail behind him. Kakashi noticed this, speaking up at last, "I suppose I should've grabbed you a paper towel or something."

"Smart thinking," Sasuke remarked sarcastically.

He tossed Sasuke the jacket he was wearing, which Sasuke caught on one arm. He glanced down at it. "What's this for?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"Use it to keep the blood off of the floor. It's old, and I'm getting a new one. I don't need it anymore."

Sasuke was going to protest, but Kakashi interrupted. "Just put it on your head."

"Whatever…" he gingerly held the jacket against his head.

He sighed. Naruto was going to kill him for this. No. Wait. She'd probably duct-tape him to his bed and make him sit there while she cooked him some kind of chicken soup or something. The girl was convinced that he was ill. Perhaps that was for the better. God knew how she'd react if he told her the real reason.

They walked into the office, Sasuke after Kakashi. Kakashi coughed to get the attention of an office aid behind a desk.

"What do you want?" Came the squeaky voice of a frail-looking girl with glasses and freckles.

"I want a number four, a sprite, two large French fries and an apple pie."

When the girl looked at him strangely, a voice came from around the corner in the principal's office. "I'll deal with Kakashi. You just answer the phone, mmkay?"

Interesting.

Tsunade seemed to be in a good mood today. Sasuke snorted to himself. That was probably because she was seeing half of the student body after school today, him included.

Sadistic little bitch…

The blonde principal sauntered out of her room, "Alright, Kakashi, what is it this time?"

He pointed a finger at Sasuke, who glared furiously at Tsunade.

"Sooo… the brat broke his head open? When's the party?"

"Hah, hah. I hope you pick on Naruto as much as you do to me," Sasuke muttered unhappily.

"Oh, believe me, hun," she said knowingly, "I do." She changed the subject, redirecting her attention to Kakashi, "So what went down this time?"

"He did," Kakashi said quite literally.

"Shizune's out, but I think I can manage," she said absently, "Step into my office."

All three of them strolled into the office and Tsunade shut the door.

"So, anyone mind telling me what the hell's going on here?" Tsunade reclined in her chair, propping her feet up on her desk.

"As you know, some strange things have been happening lately…" Kakashi put on a show of being deeply thoughtful.

"Oh get on with it."

"Right. Well, I can't say I was watching, but I heard-"

"Bullshit, Kakashi. You're like a stalker when it comes to watching people. Get on with it."

Sasuke didn't bother listening to the story. Here he was, with blood dripping out of his hair, and these two dimwits were joking around.

It sort of reminded him of a movie he once watched because Shikamaru wanted him to. He recalled coming _very _close to laughing his ass off. There was a scene in this movie in which the black knight got all of his limbs cut off.

'_Tis a flesh wound…_

Later, and Sasuke's head was finally bandaged up. About time too. Kakashi's jacket was ruined.

"You don't have a concussion." Tsunade droned, "Don't ask me to prove it to you. I know these things.

"You might be injured and in excruciating pain…" she said monotonously, "But you've still got to stay here. God knows what will happen to you when no one's watching." Tsunade glared briefly.

Oh, so she was God all of the sudden? Bullshit.

"And you're staying here for detention. I'm not letting you worm your way out of that."

Figured…

She wanted to keep him locked up where she could keep an eye on him. From the moment Tsunade saw him, she knew everything there was to know about him. Sasuke could tell.

Principals were screwy that way.

Tsunade dismissed him the way she normally did. "Now get your little Uchiha butt up to English class. And don't fall asleep. The last thing you need is more attention."

----

What was the Uchiha's problem? Had his illness affected the density of his skull or something? Naruto could fall on his head from the monkey bars at elementary school and live to tell the tale. That was probably because his skull was thicker than the hull of a ship, but that was beside the point.

"Uh, Naruto?" Iruka had finished passing out worksheets for the day, and was now standing timidly next to the blonde's desk.

"Yeah?" he answered unknowingly.

"Could I talk to you after school?"

Naruto grinned evilly. He knew what this was about. "Sure!"

"Thanks!" Iruka squeaked nervously and stalked over to his desk.

Maybe the little cogs in Iruka's brain were turning now. The look he had on his face suggested that he finally found out the meaning of those little edible gifts he kept getting.

Halfway through class, the door slammed. Naruto jumped in his seat, startled. Sasuke had found his way in and was now lurking in the spot where he usually was. Shikamaru spared him a glance before promptly going back to sleep.

Whatever had put the almighty Uchiha in such a fine mood? Probably the fact that he was still in school.

He looked angry, so Naruto didn't bother trying to get his attention.

He made his way over to Iruka's desk when the bell rang, saying, "Alrighty! Make it quick! I've got to go to detention after school."

Iruka hesitated.

"I haven't got all day!" Naruto whined.

Iruka hesitated once more. His eyes shifted from one corner of the room to the other. He almost whispered, "It's Kakashi, isn't it?"

"Hm?" Naruto pretended not to know.

"The one who's been putting all that… stuff in my lunch? And all that stuff is supposed to tell me something and I think I know what it is."

"Splurge," Naruto leaned on his desk and smiled eagerly.

"Does he… does he like me as much as I like him?"

Naruto saw the window of opportunity to torture the poor, confused teacher. "Why don't you ask him yourself?"

"You know I can't do that!" Iruka's face turned a deep red as he hissed at his student.

"You're never going to get any closer to him unless you talk to him, you know."

Iruka sighed, "You're right…"

"Of course I am! I'm always right!" Naruto squealed.

"Uh huh…" Iruka groaned sarcastically. He tapped his fingers on his desk for a moment or two.

"But what will we talk about? What if he thinks I'm boring and stupid and he hates me? What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore after that? Gods, what if he-"

"I swear," Naruto said as he began to walk toward the door, "You're a girl in a man's body."

"I thought I was a blonde in a brunette's body."

"You're both. Happy?"

"Not really…"

"That was a rhetorical question!"

"You don't know what that means."

"Fine!"

With that, Naruto walked out the door.

----

(I am not worthy to own Monty Python either. So hah. You can't sue me.)

Me: Again! Sorry for the wait! As an added bonus, when you review, I'm going to let you punch me, kick me, sock me, ghetto stomp me, drown me, or perform any other sort of physical abuse on my poor little body.

Chibi Gaara: O.o **_Any_** sort of physical abuse?

Me: o.O No raping!

Chibi Gaara: Whew…

Me: Just punching, slapping, kicking me in the shins and throwing me off a cliff sort of thing.

Chibi Sasuke: _That'll _get 'em reviewing… -snicker-

Me: Quiet, you!

Chibi Gaara: Along with the abusing, the punching, the jeering, and the hurting, you can still take pie or a cookie as Swirl-chan's treat for commenting on her story.

Chibi Naruto: Yeah! You get to hit her, then smile and walk away with free food! How much greater can it get?

Me: Eh heh… I'm too nice.

Chibi Sasuke: -rolls eyes-

Me: To _real _people, anyway.

Chibi Naruto: I'm real! –cries-

Chibi Gaara: Regardless of whether any of us are real or not, don your boxing gloves, your steel-studded boots, your swords, your guns, and whatever else! Also, Swirly promises some major leech torture in the extremely near future. Review, review, review!


	11. 11: Waffle

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer: **I don't even own a car. But that doesn't mean I can't drive it… -cough-

Me: I signed up for driver's ed this summer!

Chibi Sasuke: You're going to DRIVE?

Me: Yeah!

Chibi Sasuke: A _CAR?_

Me: No, smartass. A tin can.

Chibi Sasuke: -relieved sigh-

Me: I was joking.

Chibi Kisame: Just remember the most important rule about driving and you'll be fine.

Me: What's that?

Chibi Kisame: Don't drive on the sidewalk.

Me: -rolls eyes-

Chibi Kisame: Oh! And red means stop. That's important I guess… Ah, well. I don't pay attention to rules anyhow. They make 'em, we break 'em, right?

Chibi Sasuke: Oh, Kami-sama…

Chibi Kisame: My car's just not street legal. I drive it anyway. The cops can't stop me. Heh heh… V-twelve engine.

Me: GIVE. ME. YOUR. CAR. –drool-

Chibi Kisame: You can't have it, bitch.

Me: -cries-

Chibi Gaara: Riiight… I feel sorry for all those innocent motorists out there. But anyway, Swirl-chan apologizes for any JLH withdrawal symptoms you've had, as they're all entirely her fault. Rather, her computer's fault, because it was being a smartass and wouldn't let her save anything.

Computer: Foo! –attitude-

Chibi Gaara: See? It's entirely the computer's fault. All Nelson's fault. Yes, Swirl-chan's computer's name is Nelson. Without further ado, here's another chapter for you. Huzzah! Read, relax, review, enjoy.

**J L H 11**

Detention, as one would expect, was not fun. The sitting wasn't fun, the silence wasn't fun, and the writer's cramp was horrible.

Naruto sat there, amongst droves of seething, angry students, and wrote sentence after sentence. Naruto had a sinking feeling he was going to have to write fifty or so phrases about not fighting on school grounds. This, however, was ridiculous.

_The quick, brown fox jumps over the lazy dog._

He had to write that phrase over and over.

One hundred times.

What did that have to do with anything? Where the hell were the fox and the dog during that fight? Why weren't the fox and the dog sitting in the same room, writing their nonsensical sentences? Naruto vowed to shoot them both when he got the chance.

He glanced over his shoulder. As usual, Sasuke was sitting a desk behind him, fuming silently and occasionally muttering something to himself. "Hey, Sasuke?" Naruto whispered.

"What?" Sasuke replied in a harsh whisper.

Naruto ran a hand through his hair, "What do the fox and the dog have to do with anything?"

Sasuke looked at him silently with that half-lidded stare of his. The more he stared, the more Naruto began to feel incredibly stupid.

"What's wrong?" He asked warily.

"That sentence has every letter of the alphabet in it. That's why we're writing it."

Naruto blinked dumbly at his friend before turning back to the board. He scanned the letters for a few minutes before tilting his head in wonder. There _were _all the letters in the alphabet!

How cool!

"Idiot…" Sasuke rolled his eyes, shook his head, and sighed before continuing to write.

Regardless of what Sasuke said, Naruto felt like a genius. He smiled to himself before happily scribbling more words onto his paper.

----

What a dumb blonde.

Where Sasuke came from, this sentence was a regular penmanship exercise. Maybe things were different at her old school?

Maybe.

Sasuke had come from the very best school in town. He assumed that Naruto had come from a far less prestigious school.

Judging from what he'd heard from Naruto, she lived on the lower-budget side of the district, which was only a few blocks away. Since she went to school with Gaara, she must have lived somewhere close to the border between Suna and Konoha.

After the forty seventh sentence, Sasuke got bored.

He tapped his pencil on his desk, the graphite making a grating, scraping sound as it hit the wood and slid away. One by one, little grey dots appeared until Sasuke got so bored the dots drove him mad. He angrily dragged his eraser across the desk before growling to himself and returning to his earlier state of misery.

Perfect.

Sasuke rested his head on his arm. He didn't feel like writing anymore, but he supposed he had to do it. Tsunade would never let it go if he didn't. She never let anything go.

His parents used to know her. They invited her to all of their parties, where she'd drink herself to sleep and ride home unconscious in the back of his dad's car.

Tsunade had self control, yes.

But she had no control over her self control, if that made sense at all. It came and left at times that were impossible to predict, and as a result, she was half party-animal, half businesswoman.

Sasuke glared down at his paper, willing it to wither and die.

Eventually, he got bored with staring. The paper, despite his efforts to destroy it, remained wrinkled, half written, and in tact.

A sudden feeling of curiosity was inspired out of his suffocating boredom. He glanced over Naruto's shoulder to see just how far she was.

Sixty two.

He watched her hand scrawl out sentence number sixty three before he noticed something odd.

Her penmanship was scratchy and hardly legible. She crushed the graphite against the paper in an unattractive manner. She scratched her mistakes out instead of erasing them.

His face screwed up.

She had boys' handwriting.

He had never seen a girl write the way she wrote. Plenty of guys, sure, but never a girl. Shikamaru had that handwriting. Lazy, quick, and easy. No pretty little curly-cues, no bubbly letters, no psychedelic punctuation points.

Her writing was just… there.

Sasuke stared a moment more in somewhat rapt fascination before he was informed by the principal herself that he had an urgent phone call. Needless to say, he was relieved that he'd have a temporary break from his boredom. He was also a little curious about the apparent 'urgency' of the whole thing. Maybe Orochimaru was coming back early because Itachi knew where he was and was threatening to kill him.

Hah hah.

Fat chance of that.

He picked up the office phone, "Yeah?"

"Uchiha-san?" a voice questioned from the phone.

"This is he," Sasuke leaned against the wall, glancing at random objects on the other side of the room.

"This is Kabuto. I called to tell you that-"

"Whoa! Hang on a sec. How the hell did you know I was still at school?" Sasuke wondered irritably.

Kabuto was silent. Sasuke was left to listen to the static on the phone until Kabuto tactfully changed the subject. "As I was saying, I called to tell you that Orochimaru's coming back early."

Sasuke's jaw hit the floor.

"He says he apologizes if it's a bit sudden, but a few, uh, things came up, as he puts it."

Meanwhile, Sasuke had slid all the way down the wall and was now spread-eagled on the tile.

Son of a bitch.

What then? Was he actually coming back because Itachi _had _come back from the dead? Holy shit!

A droplet of cold sweat trailed its way down Sasuke's jaw line.

And even if this wasn't the case, the fact that the bastard child-molester was coming back at all was a horror in itself.

"Sasuke? Are you still there? Hello?" Kabuto inquired into the phone.

This was not cool.

NOT COOL!

Speaking of cool, Sasuke was losing it again. He took a few deep breaths to keep calm. This was nothing to lose his head over. If Itachi really was alive and vengeful as ever, _then _it would be something to lose his head over.

Sasuke most certainly didn't want to lose his head.

His hair was there.

Sasuke liked his hair.

He thought he'd be rather sad if he lost it.

----

Naruto was mildly worried. It had been a full five minutes and seventeen seconds since Sasuke had left the room. He knew. He counted.

Tsunade came in and said he had some sort of phone call. Maybe Sasuke was gone so long because he snuck off while the principal thought he was still on the phone.

Lucky shit.

But that would mean that the little rat bastard skipped on him again! If this were the case, he'd kidnap Sasuke, (assuming that the Uchiha hadn't already fled to some foreign country to get away from him,) drag him to his house, and duct-tape him to a wall.

Let's see how he'd get out of that one.

Naruto sighed and slumped in his chair. Sasuke had probably escaped and he was left with twenty or so more sentences to scrawl.

What a shit-tastic day.

_The quick, brown fox jumps over the lazy dog._

Naruto sighed. This was tragic. Sort of like The Fox and the Hound, but with no plotline. Still tragic though.

It was during Naruto's miserable thoughts that Sasuke chose to return. Something in his step was off, but Naruto got the feeling he wasn't supposed to know. The Uchiha seemed uptight about something, so the blonde slowly glanced back at his boyfriend. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Sasuke looked perfectly calm and composed. Upon closer investigation though, his face looked paler than normal.

Naruto quickly dismissed it as a figment of his imagination. He worried too much about Sasuke. He was perfectly fine.

Yeah.

He heard the scribbling of a pencil against paper. Sasuke must've started writing again. He supposed that he'd follow in his example and copied more of the same boring sentence over, and over, and over.

When he was finally done, half an hour of his life had mysteriously flown away. It was three-forty in the afternoon and his arm was aching with a vengeance.

Damn writer's cramp!

He shook his hand vigorously, trying to shake some life into the dying thing. Sasuke was right behind him, growling quietly to himself and doing the same thing. The both of them grabbed their packs, tossed their papers at Tsunade, then walked off.

Naruto glanced behind him.

Sasuke was silent. His eyes were out of focus and it was painfully obvious that his mind was not thinking about the inevitable doom that awaited him at Naruto's house.

Doom, you ask?

The kitchen was a disaster. The furniture had long since gone out of fashion. The bathroom was littered with makeup. Not to mention Naruto's room was a wreck and he had certainly kept the room messy long enough for a new, poisonous animal species to evolve.

It was lurking under his bed.

He knew it.

"Hey Sasuke?" Naruto glanced over his shoulder at the other boy.

Sasuke went on staring into space, but he answered the blonde's question like he was paying enough attention. "What?" he sighed.

"Well, my house is a mess, and you'll probably get eaten by something if you go into my room," Naruto laughed nervously and scratched his head.

"And how come this thing hasn't eaten you yet, hm?" Sasuke crossed his arms and half-smirked at the blonde.

Naruto shrugged, "Because I'm full of shit and she knows it."

"She?" Sasuke wasn't spacing out anymore and his half-smirk had blossomed into a grin. Naruto liked the way this was going, so he decided to elaborate on the subject.

"Yep," the blonde said with a smile, "All monsters are women. You, of all people, should know that the best."

"That's a fine way to put yourself down," Sasuke sneered, tapping his fingers on his arm.

Naruto blinked.

Oh yeah!

He was supposed to be a girl!

He almost forgot. That would've been a crisis. He could've unintentionally blown his own cover. Stupid Naruto! Fucking shit-head Naruto! Sasuke just saved your ass, and he didn't even mean to!

Naruto laughed it off. He frantically thought of something to say.

"Yeah, well I'm still a girl," Naruto declared, "I'm not a woman yet. I have yet to be corrupted by a dude!"

Well done, Naruto!

Killing two birds of both sexes with one stone!

Huzzah!

Sasuke only snorted in his aloof 'I-really-don't-give-a-fuck' sort of way. As was to be expected from the stoic Uchiha boy, Naruto supposed. Nevertheless, Naruto was left to feel rather good about himself as he continued skipping happily up the street.

----

Sasuke contented himself to watch the hyperactive ball of blonde skip around the sidewalk like a caffeinated chipmunk.

She was like therapy, but without the therapist. Counseling without the counselor. The professionals had been vaporized out of their chairs and replaced by a fluffy, Technicolor squeaky-toy that called itself 'Naruto the Whore Queen.'

Surprisingly, Sasuke felt that the squeaky-toy was doing a better job. She hid nothing from him. Anything Sasuke wanted to know, the blonde would answer in the most bluntly honest way. If he dressed up in a bright yellow rain-jacket, salmon pink bellbottom pants, a lime green fishing hat, and a candy-striped tie, any other girl his age would say he looked fabulous. Meanwhile, if he wore the same thing and asked Naruto how he looked, she would reply that the seventies had just called and they wanted their pants back.

As he mulled over these things, he began to notice a sharp stinging in his arms. He rolled his eyes and growled. His withdrawal symptoms just had to kick in when he was supposed to be having fun.

Why was he not surprised?

He irritably dug his nails into his arms. He smiled to himself as the pain subsided for a brief moment.

Maybe Aspirin would help. But there was always the chance that Naruto was too ghetto to afford pills.

That would explain a few things…

In the present, Naruto was still bouncing around like a crazed lunatic. Did she eat sugar for lunch or something?

Sasuke was mildly surprised when she suddenly bounced to a halt. "Heeeeere we aaaaaaaaare!" She motioned dramatically to her side, "Ta daa!"

Sasuke's eyes slowly drifted to the side, coming to rest on what he thought to be the most crooked house he'd ever seen. He raised an eyebrow.

The house was a beached fish. The scaly shingles were slowly forming piles on the lawn, and the thing looked as if it were on the verge of disintegrating. The paint was peeling and there was a plastic bag duct taped to a broken window.

"It's not exactly the Four Seasons… but it's good enough, right?" The girl shrugged her shoulders nervously and smiled. When Sasuke didn't answer, the girl seemed to get jittery and began rambling about failed attempts at repairs to the house.

Sasuke, however, was not listening.

He glared at the ominous house.

How the hell… Was this where she lived? The thing looked like it wanted to keel over, expire, cease to be, and go on to meet its maker! A hastily built addition was sagging in the back yard, several planks on the stairway to the front door looked rotted, and the garage door hung out of place.

He was infuriated by the house.

Shack.

Shelter.

Whatever it was, Sasuke didn't like it.

"Umm…" Naruto was waiting on one of the rotting steps, "You wanna' come in?"

Sasuke took one last angry look at the house before nodding silently and walking across the front yard.

When he walked in the screen door, he was immediately assaulted by cigarette smell. He wrinkled his nose, but decided to withstand it for the sake of Naruto's self esteem. Naruto told him to wait at the door. After that, she ran down the short hallway without taking her shoes off.

This might have seemed odd, but where Sasuke came from, no one wore their shoes in the house. No one. It was a hygiene thing.

He scanned the hall. To his surprise, the house looked much better on the inside. The walls were clean, the floor was swept, and he could see the arm of a comfortable looking couch.

"Hey MOM!" Naruto yelled around a corner, "I hope you're decent! I have a friend over!"

…Decent?

Regardless of what 'decent' was supposed to mean, Sasuke heard a scrambling sound somewhere in the house. For all he knew, it could have been coming from the basement or the living room. The walls seemed paper-thin.

"A friend?" the Uchiha heard a scratchy feminine voice call, "Is it that nice Neji boy you told me about?"

Sasuke scoffed.

Naruto looked back at him and laughed sheepishly, "No, someone different."

"Alright then, I'll be down in a minute. The ladies and I have been invited to a… er… party tonight. I bought a new dress and I'm using your mirror. Mmkay?"

"Alright mom!" Naruto called up the stairs before motioning Sasuke to make himself at home. He glanced disdainfully at the carpet and decided he'd do as the Uzumakis did.

He kept his shoes on.

Walking cautiously into the living room, he noticed two things. The first, the couch he saw earlier bent abruptly in the middle. The second, the Uzumakis were not lying when they said they had no television. The sofa faced the window, a TV stuck at the same, boring channel for all eternity.

When Sasuke finally turned into Mr. Nice guy, the first thing he'd do would be to buy them a TV.

Too bad he wasn't nice.

He prodded the couch a bit, half expecting it to bite his finger off. When he'd successfully poked it for the twelfth time, he warily climbed onto it and sat there.

"You hungry? I can make us some ramen if you want!" Naruto poked his head out of the kitchen and grinned.

Sasuke didn't have much of an appetite. The corner of his eye twitched as he wondered whether or not the dishes were sanitary.

"I think I'll pass," he declined flatly.

"Suit yourself," the blonde disappeared again and Sasuke could hear the sounds of pots and pans clashing together. A few minutes went by, and the Uchiha was almost sure that the couch had no intention of eating him. He sighed and leaned back on the cushions.

Just when he got comfortable, there was a sudden jerk downward from the fluffy object. He yelped in surprise and rigidly held onto the arm of the couch. As soon as it came the moment was gone and Sasuke cast a wary glance around him.

"You okay?" Naruto laughed at him.

"Your house," Sasuke croaked flatly, "It wants to kill me."

Naruto giggled a bit before suddenly appearing in view. "Yeah, that couch is broken. It's, like, two thousand years old. Pretty comfy, huh?"

"Yes," Sasuke said dryly, glaring cautiously at the abrupt dip in the middle of the couch, "comfy."

Naruto smiled reassuringly before disappearing yet again. Sasuke watched her go, wondering how she could possibly be happy with a life like this. To him, who had always lived surrounded by heaps of cash, this was a crisis. A tragedy! It was like living in an industrial-grade cardboard box!

He sniffed the air again and wrinkled his nose.

An unusually smoky cardboard box.

Maybe her mom smoked. If Naruto herself decided to pick up such a fatal habit, he'd lose his cool and throttle her himself. The girl in question popped out of the kitchen and jumped energetically onto the other side of the sofa. Sasuke braced himself as the dying thing creaked and sunk lower.

"So how's the house so far, eh?" the blonde smiled her sheepish smile.

Sasuke surveyed the room briefly. "It's…" he paused, glancing back at Naruto, "You want the truth?"

She sighed nervously, "That's the question, isn't it?"

Sasuke's relatively humorless demeanor faltered a bit. "I suppose," he went on, "I could tell you part of the truth."

The blonde girl grinned. "Okay," she said, "fair enough."

"Your house," Sasuke began, trying to think of something to say, "Is cozy. Nice and, um, small." When the girl gave him an awkward look, he elaborated, "It's delightfully small. Homey. I like the paint color, and the carpet. Makes it feel like people live here."

Maybe a little too much so…

But she didn't need to know that.

He stuck with the partial truth idea.

"Nari-honey?" A feminine voice called as footfalls pounded against the stairs. Sasuke and Naruto both turned in the direction of the noise.

"Yeah, Mom?" the girl quirked an eyebrow and leaned toward the staircase.

Naruto's mom nimbly descended the stairs. Sasuke saw a mop of orange hair whip around as the woman made a sharp turn into the kitchen, yelling, "I'm going to be gone for a while. I'll be spending the night at a _friend's _house tonight. Mmkay?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Naruto had turned back to him and was searching his face for he knew not what. She seemed relieved when she didn't seem to find what she was looking for. "Mom…" she growled, a blush gracing her cheeks.

"Just telling you, hun."

"Not in front of my friend!" the blush grew.

"Oh, sure. Are you worried that I might shame myself in front of this comrade-who-shall-not-be-named? Or are you embarrassed?"

"MOM!"

Sasuke hadn't the slightest idea what this was all about, so he kept his mouth shut.

"And who is this friend? Is he so high up that he can't handle a little suggestive talk, hm?"

"I think he can handle it…"

"Hang on! He?" Kyuubi suddenly stuck her head out the kitchen entryway, squinting her eyes and grinning hopefully. Sasuke met her eyes and scowled uninterestedly.

There was a long pause.

Sasuke sat stark still. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. She'd recognize him in a second.

Wait for it.

Three… two… one.

The woman's eyes widened to saucers, her eyebrows shot up, and her jaw hung limply on its hinges.

Shock and awe, ladies and gentlemen.

Shock and awe.

She floundered for a moment, looking to her daughter, then back to him. She made a few half-completed hand gestures, took one step forward and one step back, and then flew into a blubbering fit.

Sasuke smirked inwardly. His ego had been further inflated. Naruto's mother flew over to her daughter, harping to her, then pointing at him, then doing a nameless jig in the middle of the coffee table.

She clapped her hands together, smiled the Uzumakis' trademark smile of idiocy, and then burst out in spontaneous fits of hysterical laughter all the way out the door.

Ooookayy…

That was… disturbing.

The most disturbing reaction to his existence in his history, he believed.

Not even Sakura had been that energetic. Ever. He supposed energy ran in Naruto's family. Energy or insanity, whichever appealed to the moment.

"How is it," sighed Sasuke mirthfully, "that every girl knows who I am, even if they don't have a TV?"

"Oh!" Naruto smirked slyly, "I just don't know!" She waved her palms in the air and leaned in closer, "It's a myyysteryyy!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and pushed her off the couch.

----

_Somewhere off in the distance, there was a gunshot._

_Naruto sat straight up in his bed, alertly listening to the noise just outside his window. There was nothing to listen to. As abruptly as it began, the noise was gone. Any normal person would have taken this to be a good sign._

_Naruto, however, didn't feel safe at all._

_He noiselessly crept over to his door, pressing an ear to the wood before slowly easing it open. The door didn't creak, thanks to a new trick he learned in a children's book. As disgusting as it sounded, Naruto greased the hinges with butter in order to sneak cookies into his room at night._

_Tonight, his mind wasn't exactly set on getting a midnight snack. He wanted to find his mom. He always climbed into bed with her when he was scared. He sneaked over to her room, expecting to hear the telltale snoring emanating from therein. When there was none, he was confused. He opened the door, expecting to hear soft breaths coming from her bed. When he heard none, he was curious. He clambered over to her bed, expecting to see her asleep with a pillow on her face. When she wasn't there, he was afraid._

_Then it came to him._

_His mom had gone to a party with a few friends._

_At least she said it was a party. Naruto's mind refused to process the fact that there were other possibilities._

_His mind also refused to process the fact that he was much shorter than he normally was._

_Another gunshot._

_Naruto spun around, looking at the door. The noise sounded a lot closer now. Maybe it was coming from inside the house?_

_No._

_That wasn't it._

_He hurried back up the steps to his room, where he could watch the street from his window. Dim street lamps cast an eerie circle of light on the asphalt and crickets continued to chirp in the grass._

_Another gunshot was heard. Then another, and another._

_Naruto ducked down in fear as an object glinted for a second in the gloomy lamplight. Footsteps came and left in an instant before two more shapes followed the first, trying to dodge the light in an attempt to remain invisible._

_Suddenly, Naruto's nose itched. He began to panic, furiously plugging his nose against the inevitable sneeze. The tingling feeling went away. He sighed with relief, but then his nose started itching again and he fought to contain a sneeze._

_The inevitable happened._

"_Chu!"_

_The second shape whirled around, bright sea foam eyes shimmering for a second in the light._

_Naruto's heart pounded and he instantly ducked under the window. Had they seen him, and if so, were they about to get rid of him because of his potential as a witness? If they'd considered it, they weren't acting on the idea._

"_Hey foxy!" a man whispered harshly, "Hurry up! Somethin' bugging you?"_

_Naruto's ears pricked and he listened intently on the conversation below._

"_No, I just thought…" a scratchy voice whispered, "Never mind." Naruto's eyes widened. That voice sounded familiar, but it was too muffled to know the identity of its owner._

"_You wanna' take a breather, foxy? I'll hunt down the bastard for ya'." The first voice mocked._

"_Go on. Be my guest. You can shoot him, but don't kill him. If anyone's going to kill him, it's me. Got that?"_

"_Right on, foxy girl!" After that, the heavier of the footsteps plodded down the road and faded off. The lighter set seemed to hesitate for a moment. Naruto tried desperately to force his heart down from his throat. It was beating so loudly, he was sure this girl could hear it._

_The voice murmured something before padding off._

_The blonde boy dared to peek over his windowsill. Just as he did so, a shadowy figure vanished around the corner. Another series of gun shots crackled through the air. In the midst of these, Naruto heard a yell, then more gunfire._

_There was a bang, a final shot, and the last thing Naruto heard was a pained, choked cry of, "You ate my waffle!"_

Naruto shot up in bed, striking a less-than-graceful ninja pose on the floor, looking all around his room for any sign of danger.

"The only danger you're gonna' find is me!" A feminine voice growled from outside Naruto's door. Naruto lowered his hands and stared at Kyuubi. Needless to say, he hadn't the slightest idea about what was going on.

"You've made your mother very angry," Kyuubi growled, stomping toward her son like a peeved rhinoceros.

"Ummm…" Naruto scratched his head, "What?"

"You know very well what!" She thundered closer to the helpless Naruto. He stared up at his mom with doe eyes.

Seriously!

What the hell could she be so mad at him for?

Naruto's mom rolled her eyes before breathing fire in his face, "I told you not to touch it!"

…What?

"I told you I wanted it this morning, and that you were not to go within ten feet of it or I'd have your head!"

…What?

When Naruto still showed no signs of understanding, his mother threw her hands up into the air and harped, "You ate my fucking waffle!"

Oh.

Shit.

Naruto laughed it off. "Ah, hah, you see, I was reeeally hungry last night. I figured you wouldn't be mad because your beloved child would have starved without it."

Kyuubi's face turned red and she gritted her teeth together.

"Apparently not," Naruto slumped glumly back into his bed. Oh, what to do to redirect his mother's anger before it rained down on him like a thousand flaming meteors! Think! What would she like to hear about…?

Money…

Who was rich?

Who was good-looking?

Boyfriend…

Bingo.

"Sasuke and I had fun last night," Naruto said with a hopeful smile.

Kyuubi's eyes lost their fire and her posture relaxed somewhat. She smiled knowingly, "And what type of _fun _did we have?"

Score!

Naruto pretended to be flustered for good effect. "Mom! You pervert!" he tried vainly to smack her with a pillow.

"Not as bad as your uncle, whom you seem to like so very, very much," she sneered.

"Well he's a fun kind of perverted. You're just… Eeww!" Naruto waved his arms in the air, screwed up his eyes, and stuck his tongue out.

"Mmhmm…" she paused and sat on the bed next to Naruto. The mattress bent a little under her weight. "So," she began, "What did you and Mr. Sasuke Uchiha do last night that was so fun?"

This was a good sign. Naruto was happy to elaborate. "Well," he said, bouncing in his seat, "I showed Sasuke around the house, we talked, and when I convinced him that no new species of mold was growing in the refrigerator, he ate dinner with me."

His mom seemed interested. So far, so good. "He asked me how old the house was. I told him that, judging from the dinosaur bones in our basement, it was built in the late Jurassic. He just shook his head at me and told me I was an idiot. I asked him if he liked idiots. He said no, but that I was a special kind of stupid that he could tolerate for more than twenty seconds."

Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"That's a good thing," Naruto clarified, "because he normally can't stand girls."

"So everything was peachy last night?" Kyuubi asked.

"Yeah," replied Naruto. Everything was fun, wasn't it? At least so Naruto thought.

He frowned suddenly as he was invited to take an unwelcome walk down the more curious side of his mind. Last night was cool, but his dark-eyed friend seemed out of sorts. He was distracted, moody. He kept hissing to himself and glaring down at his wrists. Every once in a while, he'd dig his nails into his arms and drag them across his skin. When Naruto asked if he was tired, he just sighed and shook his head angrily. The blonde couldn't tell whether he was mad at him, or mad at himself.

"What's up?" His mom was tilting her head worriedly, "Did something happen?"

"Naw," Naruto waved his hand at her, "just thinking."

Naruto watched his mom out of the corner of his eye. She didn't seem satisfied with that answer.

Oh please don't ask about it.

Please, please, please.

"Well," his mom got off of the bed and stretched her back, "It's almost eleven and the story of you having fun yesterday with the man of your dreams doesn't change the fact that you ate my waffle."

Naruto pouted.

"I'll get you back for that one. You wait and see. One of these days you'll have only one cup of ramen left and I'll eat it all." She gave him a heartfelt noogie before plodding back down the stairs.

Naruto made no move to follow her, sitting still and not bothering to fix his hair.

Sasuke troubled him. He was a little, dark, rain cloud that followed him everywhere, opting to hover just beyond the horizon of his thoughts instead of raining directly on his sunny day. He was one big puzzle. A one thousand piece puzzle with only three hundred of the pieces present.

The look in Sasuke's eyes was far out, like his body was there, but his mind was on sick leave. The later it got, the more sluggish and irritable Sasuke became. At about eight, he started twitching. At first, the spontaneous twitches were few and far between, but it got progressively worse. When Naruto asked him what was wrong, he shrugged it off and said it was nothing. A little while after that, he informed Naruto that he should be leaving. Naruto didn't intend to keep him much longer. Maybe he had problems to deal with. At eight-forty, a car screeched into the driveway. Sasuke walked out the door, waving goodbye before he disappeared into the passenger's side door of the flashy sports car and speeding away.

Speeding was putting it lightly. The car left smoking streaks on the asphalt. Must have been that freaky shark-what's-his-name's car.

He certainly hoped Sasuke made it home alive.

Naruto stretched and headed down to his kitchen. He dug through the cabinets, through the fridge, and through the trash. No matter where he looked, he couldn't seem to find anything good to eat.

He crossly put his hands on his hips. His sneaky bitch of a mother had probably taken revenge into her own hands already. Naruto growled to himself. Perhaps she hid everything somewhere? Yes, that would explain things. She wouldn't go through all the trouble of throwing it away. Not after she'd bought all of the food with her own money.

Where could she have hidden it?

A closet? No. Naruto would look there first. She knew that.

Perhaps she hid it in the basement. Naruto wrinkled his nose and shook his head. Not even she would touch it again if she'd hidden it there. That would be a waste.

Think, Naruto. You have to be smarter than your mom. Where would she have hidden it? She wasn't the type to conceal anything in an obvious place, so where wouldn't Naruto look?

What spot in the house would he not go digging through if his life depended on it?

Where was he _afraid_ to look?

The shed?

Beneath a floorboard in the kitchen?

Mom's bedroom…?

Naruto, you sly dog.

He smiled gleefully and snapped his fingers. He peeked around the house first. By the looks of things, his mom had already left to… do whatever she did during the day. There were no signs that she was home. There were no humming noises, no footsteps, and the little compact car had vanished from its usual place in the driveway.

He slithered over to his mom's room, stealthily popped the door open, and slunk around the corner.

He dug through her lingerie drawer, her closet, the rest of her wardrobe, a box in the corner, her nightstand, and her pillowcases. He was greatly disheartened when his beloved food was nowhere in sight. His stomach started growling and he began to feel perfectly miserable.

How could she do this to him?

It was only _one fucking waffle!_

He ate her waffle because he would've starved otherwise, and the bitch had to go all hard-core on him and hide all of the rest of the good food! In a place he couldn't find, no less!

He thought a moment more. He thought back to his earlier musings about the unknown whereabouts of his snacks. Where wouldn't he look? In the bedroom. Why? He was terrified of what he might find in there. So far he'd found a few condoms, some pills, a vibrator, and something-else-that-should-not-be-named. Suffice to say, he was scarred for life.

Where else did mom keep her more private belongings?

Not her drawers, not her closet, not her jewelry box.

Where hadn't he looked yet? Where would he put all of his stuff if he was a girl? In a box, in his drawers, or under…

Under the bed.

Merciful Jesus.

He leered at the bed, silently dreading the items he could find down there. A lump rose in his throat. What, indeed, would he find if not the food? More condoms? More pills? More-things-that-shall-not-be-named-for-the-sake-of-the-sanity-of-the-audience? God only knew. He was probably having a hard time with the knowledge himself.

Naruto gulped and veered away from the bed. He was losing his confidence. He was losing his drive. All he could think about were the horrifying things that awaited him under that simple-looking piece of furniture.

The food… he'd die without food!

Not even a full stomach was worth it to risk going under that bed. There would be no more sugary cereal, no more popcorn, no more jell-o.

No more ramen.

He cringed. Without the life-giving power of ramen, he'd die for sure!

He made up his mind. He slowly walked over to the little blue bed. He took what he was sure to be his last breath, and dove under.

He dug frantically through the trash under his mom's bed.

Lacey thong.

Toe ring.

Good lord, was that a candy bra?

More colorful packages.

More weird smells.

And, God save him, another object best left undescribed.

But there it was! A great, shining beacon in the darkness of his despair! A box! A beautiful box! A wonderful, beautiful, cardboard box! He hugged it to his chest as he dragged it out from beneath the bed.

He sat there a moment longer, bathing in his joy. He cheered for the box. He couldn't wait to open it and greet each and every one of his tasty friends.

What a glorious moment! The box smelled like cinnamon, sugar and noodles! He opened it slowly, savoring the moment and half expecting a legion of angels to come and play their harps for him.

The great moment had arrived! Naruto opened his eyes, staring gleefully down at the box that held all of his sugar and ramen and heaps of delicious-

His eye twitched and he slammed the cardboard flaps shut.

Wrong box!

----

Sasuke wasn't awake yet.

Well, not awake in the sense that he still couldn't tell whether he was alive or dead. On those select few days that he didn't have to wake up, Sasuke didn't bother doing so. It was past noon and he was still half asleep.

He knew he was awake, but he didn't bother to acknowledge the fact.

It wasn't until the repetitive ringing of his phone broke through his mental barriers that he finally rolled himself out of bed.

He landed gracefully on the floor, wondering irritably who had the nerve to call him during the weekend. He wandered into the living room, throwing himself on his couch and languidly glancing at the caller id.

Uzumaki Kyuubi.

That would be Naruto.

Sasuke wasn't in the mood to have his ear jabbered off, and he wasn't having one of his good weeks. His head wasn't bleeding, but it still ached, and Orochimaru was going to show his hideous face any day now, so the Uchiha was decidedly angry.

"You've reached the house of Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasuke couldn't help but smile at his answering machine. It was one of the few things he could count on.

"Either I don't know you, I hate you, I'm gone, I'm dead, or I'm just too damn lazy to answer the phone. I'd prefer that you don't leave me a message, but if you have to, leave it after the fucking beep."

Good answering machine.

The gift from God beeped, signifying the break where its heavenly message stopped and the incessant whining of his girlfriend began.

"Hey, Sasuke! It's me, Naruto!"

Newsflash!

"I was wondering if you wanted to do anything today. Y'know, go to the movies and stuff?"

Sasuke sighed exasperatedly. When was he ever going to get a break from this nonsense! At least she didn't want him to go back to her house. She lived in a hell-hole, and she seemed quite happy about it.

'She's never lived anywhere else,' Sasuke reminded himself, 'so she has no idea what it's like to own a decent house.'

She'd been to his house though, right? So she had to realize just how bad things were for her, right?

"So, uh… I really want you to call me back, 'cause I'm really bored. Gaara's… busy, and my mom's gone."

What was new? Her mom was gone last night too.

What kind of mom left her daughter alone with a guy she barely knew anyhow?

There was a brief silence on the answering machine.

"Sasuke," Naruto's slightly knowing and annoyed voice groaned, "I know you're there."

What?

"I know you're listening to this and you're just too damn stubborn to pick up the phone."

Sasuke pulled his hair and hissed. What the hell was this with people knowing exactly where he was at all times?

Eager to find out, an irritated Sasuke picked the phone up.

"How the hell did you know?" he roared.

Naruto's voice laughed into the phone, "I didn't. You know, tell a lie to get a truth sort of thing? You're so predictable sometimes."

"Am I?" Sasuke asked dryly.

"Yup! We girls gotta' know our men, right?"

_Ou_r men?

"So I'm property now, am I?" Sasuke asked in the same uninterested voice.

"Lighten up, man," said Naruto, "You're too serious. That makes people stressful. Too much stress can kill you, did you know that?"

A.D.D. moment.

"Yes, Dobe," Sasuke gritted his teeth, "I already knew that."

"You sound like you just woke up," the blonde pointed out after a long pause, "You been sleeping a lot?"

"My mother died a long time ago. I really don't want another one."

Liar. You'd give anything to have your mom back.

Sasuke sighed. There was the pessimistic Itachi voice again. No matter how hard he tried, the Uchiha couldn't seem to shake that voice or its ideals out of his head.

The annoying girl was quiet again.

Sasuke found it even more unbearable when Naruto wasn't chattering away. When she was talking, everything was fine and dandy in that little brain of hers. When she was quiet, it seemed like she was actually _thinking_, the possibility of which scared Sasuke more than anything.

"Okay," Naruto said quietly.

Sasuke hit his forehead with the heel of his hand.

What had happened to the annoying Naruto? Why had she vanished off the face of the earth, leaving him with the silent one? Why?

_WHY?_

"Well, you're still coming to the movies with me, whether you like it or not!"

Ah, there it was. Sasuke could relax now.

"Deal?" Naruto's all-too-excited voice chirped.

Sasuke sighed, running his free hand through his hair. He didn't have anything else to do today. There was always the chance, though, that he'd go into withdrawal half way through the movie. He'd have to shoot up beforehand.

Still, there was always a chance. If only he could cover it up. Use an excuse.

"Hey Dobe?" He sighed.

"Hm?" Naruto piped up.

"There aren't any good horror movies out, are there?"

Naruto thought a moment. Sasuke could hear the sounds of papers rustling in the background. "I went down to the grocery store earlier today and bought today's newspaper," she explained while sifting through the articles.

"Oh?" Sasuke made it a point to sound vaguely interested.

"Yeah. They're pretty cheap. Did you know there was another Akatsuki-related shooting last night?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Naruto now had his undivided attention. "Where?" he asked.

"Actually it was just a few blocks away from my place." Naruto laughed.

_Oh…?_

And why did she not care about this?

"Pretty scary, huh?"

"Yes," Sasuke mused. He wondered what could've drawn the gang out of their usual hideout in the Mist district.

"You know what?" Naruto got off on another A.D.D. track, "My dad died on a night just like last night."

Sasuke stared at the phone. Why the hell would she want to talk about that? To _him _no less!

The blonde continued to ramble. "The police came to our door and told my mom one morning that they'd found him in an alley with a bullet through his head. She cried for a really long time."

Sasuke was silent. He didn't know what to think.

"They said the Akatsuki did it, and that they probably shot him somewhere near our house, and then carried him away. I don't know why they killed him. I think my mom does though. She just won't tell me. She clams up when I ask her about him, and then she won't talk for the rest of the day."

Sasuke still didn't know what to say to her. Somehow, a simple 'I'm sorry,' didn't seem to cut it.

"Ah!" She exclaimed happily, "I found it! Says here… yup! There's a good, cheap horror movie at the dollar theatre. Two-thirty!"

Sasuke blinked. The squeaky toy just went from 'My dad died,' to 'There really is a movie we can watch,' in less than twenty seconds.

"So, Mr. Moody and Silent, you wanna' go with me?"

Sasuke quickly weighed the pros and cons of the ordeal. He supposed he could shoot up, then go and hope the suspense would explain his shaking. It didn't seem like such a bad idea.

"Sure," he agreed.

"Great!" squeaked Naruto, "but who's driving us?"

Oh.

Snap.

Sasuke hadn't thought about that, and apparently neither had Naruto. So who could drive them? Naruto's mom wasn't home, and neither of them had licenses.

The only thing to do would be to call on the shark once again. With him driving, being late to their movie would be the least of their worries.

Sasuke got the feeling that Naruto wasn't all that comfortable with Kisame though.

…

What the hell.

She could deal with it.

"Kisame can drive. I'll call him up."

"You rely on him too much, Y'know," Naruto warned, "besides, I saw him pick you up yesterday. He left skid marks on the street."

"Well, no one's perfect. You should just be glad you didn't see any on the sidewalk."

----

Chibi Gaara: -dies from anxiety-

Me: -follows suit-

Chibi Naruto: -nervous laugh- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Me: -revives self- Aaaaaah… My computer had so many issues during the writing of this chapter! Plus, my printer also ran out of ink, so my good ole' editors couldn't really EDIT this little shit! Nar!

Chibi Sasuke: This, by far, was the longest wait. Now I'm going to go a little OOC for a moment and say: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Chibi Naruto: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Chibi Gaara: -alive- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Chibi Neji: STFU.

Chibi Naruto: O.o

Nelson: Foo!

Me: Ah, hah… well, anyhow, the option of doing me enormous bodily harm because of the wait still remains. However, I'm going to try to curb your anger by restocking my supply of cookies, pie, and… –drum roll-

Chibi Naruto: RAMEN!

Chibi Gaara: Yes! Virtual ramen! What could be sweeter?

Chibi Naruto: A COOKIE!

Chibi Gaara: That was a rhetorical question.

Chibi Naruto: Oh.

Chibi Gaara: Idiot.

Me: I promise that I'll try to update as often as I can, but writer's block and school are two major obstacles I have to bust through, and by God, I _will _break through, be it by hammer, tooth and nail, explosives, or spoon!

Chibi Gaara: And, as always, you reviewers are everything a writer could ask for! Support Swirl-chan in her time of dire need! Review, review, review!


	12. 12: Good friends

**JLH!**

**Disclaimer: **I own a computer, a keyboard, and a ferret.

Me: Zomigawsh! I bought Advent a while ago and have now watched it a grand total of umpteen times. I want Cloud's hair! I want Sephiroth's sword! I want Cid's ship! I want Vincent's gun! I want Rude's attitude! I want Reno's brainless sense of humor!

Chibi Naruto: O.o

Chibi Neji: You only want guys' stuff?

Me: Cloud's… hair… nngh… -drool-

Chibi Sasuke: Right…

Me: Hair! I love hair!

Chibi Gaara: Erm, you already dyed yours red like mine, and cut it short like Naruto's.

Chibi Sasuke: -rolls eyes-

Me: -stares at Sasuke and drools- Give… me… your… hair.

Chibi Sasuke: -backs away-

Me: -zombie walk-

Chibi Gaara: Um, Swirl-chan?

Me: HAIR! –pounces-

Chibi Sasuke: -runs like hell-

Chibi Neji: Glad she's not after my hair.

Chibi Gaara: Yes. For her sake. If she tried to scalp you, you'd bludgeon her to death with a metal fold-up chair.

Chibi Neji: True, true.

Chibi Naruto: Anyway, while Swirly chases Sasuke, you people get to read another crack chapter by the hair-maniac.

Chibi Gaara: Yes indeed! You just might get to see Orochimaru in this chapter… You'll have to read and find out! And, if you read and you like, review! Reviewing is fun! Fuuuuuuuunnnn… -echo-

(Oh! And since you've waited so long, I've packed a ton of important stuff into this chapter. Enjoy!)

**J L H 12** (homigoodnezz! Anuthur chapdur omglolololol!11one((fynally! OMG!)))

Sasuke stared blankly at the phone, wondering what in hell possessed him to agree to a movie with the Queen of the Whores. He had no idea why he'd done it, and he hadn't the energy to worm his way out of it. He was stuck going on a date with a squeaky toy.

Stuck.

The fact of the matter was that he was just too nice. Yes, that was it. He found it more and more difficult to say no to Naruto. She was sickeningly cute.

In an evil 'take over the world with cuteness' sort of way.

He sat there a moment longer, wishing that the sheer force of his willpower would make the telephone spontaneously burst into flame. When it did not, he was deeply disappointed.

He decided to look on the bright side of things, which he barely ever did. This way, if Orochimaru showed his ugly face today, Sasuke wouldn't have to see it.

Joy!

Sasuke slumped on his couch, grudgingly picking up the phone and dialing Kisame's number.

Kisame never answered the phone. What was more, he didn't have an answering machine. After the umpteenth time the annoying phone rang, Sasuke didn't feel like waiting any longer. He could wait all he wanted, but the shark was not picking up the phone any time soon.

He hung up.

Minutes went past and Sasuke was still staring at the ceiling. Weren't Saturdays supposed to be days off? Time to be spent alone? Alone _by himself?_ He didn't understand how other people could tolerate being with friends and family over the weekend.

He called Kisame again. He was awake to the fact that it hadn't been more than four minutes since he last called, but he wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. He didn't want to spend more time with Naruto than was necessary, did he?

Did he?

Perhaps that was the reason he couldn't say no to her. Maybe, somewhere deep down, _very _deep down, _very VERY _deep down, _very very VEEERY…_

Anyway, maybe the fact of the matter was that somewhere in that hollow heart of his, he actually wanted to hear the hyperactive blonde's voice.

As one would expect, Kisame never picked up his phone.

Thus, Sasuke was left to drown in his own boredom for at least five more minutes. His eyes began to shift from his room to the secret fridge, then back again. Getting drunk was a good pastime. However, trying to hide the fact that he was wasted for the duration of a movie with his girlfriend alongside him was _not _an option. He didn't need her worrying about him all the time.

Booze…

Dammit.

Why the hell did he agree to this in the first place?

WHY?

He reluctantly dragged his gaze away from the cherry blossom painting and to the ceiling. He lay there for a while, thinking of nothing in particular, until the sound of the clock on his wall drove him mad.

He stormed back into his room and shut the door, moodily climbing back into his bed and burying his face in a pillow.

----

Naruto felt chipper as a chipmunk. He bounced around his house, all thoughts of missing ramen abandoned, and wondered how great his first real date would be. There would be popcorn, a pop with two straws, a really scary part in the movie when they'd be so scared they'd hug each other, and of course, there'd be a kiss. Naruto wanted a kiss.

A real one.

A real cool one!

Like in movies.

But what would he wear? Naruto temporarily stopped bouncing.

What indeed? Maybe he could wear that really nice frilly skirt thing his mom found at the second-hand store once. And that really nice v-neck shirt thing with the funky sleeves!

Or maybe he could wear a plain old t-shirt with a nice pair of jeans.

But no.

He couldn't do that.

If he dressed up like a guy, then he might lead Sasuke to the realization that he was one. Naruto's smile disappeared. Sasuke didn't seem to fancy the idea of being a gay. He looked at Neji and Gaara like they were freaks.

And yet he was in love with one, or so Naruto hoped.

He was blissfully unaware that Naruto wasn't what he seemed.

Of course, if Sasuke really did love him, he wouldn't mind at all. Naruto could dress up like the boy he was. If Sasuke wrinkled his nose and tossed him in the trash, then so be it.

Naruto sighed.

Not possible.

He had so much going for him, so he didn't want to ruin things for the both of them just yet. Naruto didn't want to take two thousand giant steps backward after how far he'd come.

He sighed again.

He wanted to confess so many things to Sasuke. He wanted to blurt out that he wasn't Sasuke's dream girl after all and cry into his shirt. Upon which, he hoped, Sasuke would tell him that he knew all along, it was okay, and he'd love him forever.

Fat chance of that, Naruto spitefully snorted to himself. Sasuke didn't seem like the 'forgive and forget' type of person. From what he heard from Neji and Gaara, he still had a grudge with his brother.

And who could blame him? This brother of his murdered his entire family for Christ's sake!

But Naruto wouldn't and didn't murder people. He was just a lovable little queer looking to be loved back.

Naruto threw his hands in the air and stomped around the floor. What was he being so sentimental for? This was his first friggin' date, for crying out loud! There were clothes to try, types of makeup to put on, and shit-loads of ramen to eat!

His ramen had gone MIA earlier. He had originally gone to the grocery store for more, but he ended up buying a newspaper there too. And there ended up being an Akatsuki shooting on the same day they shot his dad!

Fancy that!

He tossed his earlier mood out the window and continued happily bouncing around his house.

----

Sasuke's ears were trained to pick up the slightest tap of a key in the lock of his front door. When he heard a key being hastily jerked around against the lock, needless to say, he was wide awake.

He didn't shoot out of bed as Naruto would've done, he didn't leap at the door and shove himself up against it to hold it closed against intruders. He didn't reach for the broken bedpost he kept under his mattress. He merely kept his eyes closed and… waited.

He was suspicious that the man of his nightmares was prowling about his apartment searching for him, but if so, there was nothing he could do about it.

Rather, nothing he felt inclined to do.

He had already resigned his fate to sit with Naruto through a movie. What could possibly be worse?

"Uchiha!"

Jesus H. Christ.

Sasuke mentally screamed.

"Get your ass out here!"

No.

"I know where you are and I know you can hear me, boy!"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. Once again, someone knew his exact physical location and state of awareness. It was getting on his nerves.

_Tell a lie to get a truth._

Sasuke smirked. Maybe all this time Orochimaru would do that because he knew that out of sheer anger, Sasuke would respond.

Maybe Naruto was smarter than she looked.

Sasuke lay still, listening to Orochimaru scratching up the carpet in his living room. He was sickly satisfied when the leech stopped yelling and slithered his way around the house looking for him.

The hasty footsteps halted before his bedroom door, hesitating it almost seemed like, before Sasuke felt rather than heard the doorknob turning. The door silently swung open. Now the only thing separating him from his enemy was a cocoon of extremely comfy blankets.

Still he sat there, completely motionless as Orochimaru stalked into his room. Against his will Sasuke's hair stood on end. Orochimaru was moving stealthily about the room. Slithering from one side of his bed to the next, he was probably contemplating the best way to wake Sasuke up, or if he wanted to wake him up at all.

Maybe the slime would rape him then and there.

That was probably the third thought in his mind. Or maybe it was the first, Sasuke couldn't tell.

As the idiot continued to weigh the pros and cons of his choices, Sasuke grew bored once again. He decided to give Orochimaru a thrill, groaning in feigned sleep and rolling over in his bed.

He felt his guardian take a few steps back.

Good. Now stay that way.

Against Sasuke's wishes, Orochimaru took a few measured steps forward and Sasuke could feel his bed dip down in the leech's direction.

Shit.

Sasuke was dead still as one word kept flashing through his mind like an annoying pop-up ad. IN BIG, RED LETTERS!

Rape.

Sasuke's muscles tensed as the mysterious mass that was Orochimaru continued to migrate closer.

Rape!

He could sense a slightly amused aura in the air as his guardian lay down right beside him.

RAPE!

Orochimaru's hot breath blew in puffs on Sasuke's face. He got closer, and closer, and closer until finally…

He was swiftly sucker-punched in the face.

Sasuke watched as the man rolled off the bed in agony, holding his nose and cursing like a sailor. Contradictory to his frayed and frazzled nerves, Sasuke's face remained perfectly calm. Smug even. He allowed a superior smirk to play across his lips.

"Bitch," Orochimaru muttered.

"Dickless," Sasuke taunted back.

Orochimaru glared that odd glare of his before briefly leaving the room. Before Sasuke could devise an escape plan, he had returned with a bag of ice and a tissue.

Sasuke could only figure that the nosebleed was only half caused by the punch in the face.

Disturbing…

"Alright you little thorn in my ass," Orochimaru grumbled, "You win." Sasuke swore he heard the man mutter a quiet "for now…" but decided against mentioning anything about it.

"You came barging into my house when you're supposed to be halfway across the world," Sasuke stated in an unamused way, "Why?"

Orochimaru uncrossed his eyes, which were until recently staring in contempt at the bridge of his nose. "Listen up, Sasuke," he began hastily, "I'm leaving Konoha."

Sasuke's eyes widened. This was unexpected, yet not unwelcome. The bastard was _leaving?_

Hells yeah!

This should have been a national holiday!

"And you're coming with me."

His eye twitched. Talk about your letdown of the century. And yet he couldn't piece together _why _the bastard would want to drag him along.

"Oh am I?" Sasuke asked dryly.

"We're leaving. Now."

Orochimaru yanked on Sasuke's wrist, much to Sasuke's dismay, and dragged him out of bed. The Uchiha didn't like this at all.

Perverse as always, Sasuke tugged in the opposite direction.

"No, I am _not!_" His bare feet skidded along the floor as he gradually lost the battle. He had to do something quickly or the bastard really would drag him along. God knew what would happen then.

In a desperate attempt to gain the upper hand, Sasuke dashed forward and threw the larger man off balance. Orochimaru hissed in pain as Sasuke landed a powerful kick in his gut. The initial shock of the whole ordeal caused him to let go of Sasuke for a split second.

In that split second, Sasuke had significantly distanced himself from Orochimaru. He sprinted for his bedroom door, bolting it shut in the moment before it was assaulted by his possessive guardian.

"Come out of there, you little brat!" Orochimaru roared as he flung himself at the door.

"I can't go with you today!" Sasuke yelled in a surprisingly casual manner as he shoved his back up against the door.

"And, pray tell, why would that be?" Orochimaru rammed the door again, knocking the wind out of Sasuke for a moment or two.

"I've got a date with my girlfriend at two!" Sasuke yelled after he regained his breath.

Orochimaru was silent. He continued his relentless attack on the door though, and pretty soon, the bolt flew out of Sasuke's wall. The Uchiha gave a surprised yelp as he fell forward. He quickly recovered his balance though, heading for his bed.

Orochimaru came charging in, scanning the room for Sasuke and finding him in the middle of the room, sporting a large, heavy-looking, blunt bedpost in his hands.

Sasuke smirked inwardly as Orochimaru sized his weapon up. He knew that his mom's old bed would come in handy someday.

"A girlfriend you say?" Orochimaru mocked, "And I always thought you flowed the other way."

Ignoring the insult, Sasuke answered him in the calmest way he could muster. "Yes," he replied, "I have a date soon. Keep me much longer and I might miss it."

"Oh, well far be it from me to keep Mr. God-like Smarty-Ass from his busy social schedule!" Orochimaru taunted, "You are my property and I'll do whatever I damn well please with you."

"Since when am I anyone's property?" Sasuke growled irritably. "Great," he muttered unconsciously, "First Naruto, then Orochimaru-"

"Naruto? What a stupid name."

"Yours is twice as bad."

Orochimaru attempted to recapture Sasuke, but the latter fended him off with an extravagant display of what one could do with a bedpost.

As he was defending himself, Sasuke couldn't help wondering what in hell would convince Orochimaru that he had to leave, and on such short notice.

His brother.

Orochimaru always seemed more than edgy when Sasuke mentioned his brother. Did this involve Itachi then? Sasuke felt uneasy all of the sudden.

"It's about my brother, isn't it?" he asked gravely.

"What?" Orochimaru snapped back. Yes, Sasuke could tell by the look in his eyes that he'd hit something.

"The reason you came back so early. The reason you're leaving and kidnapping me with you." It was a statement, not a question.

Orochimaru didn't answer. Instead, he took advantage of Sasuke's distracted state and grabbed the post out of his hands. In no time at all, Sasuke found himself being swung over Orochimaru's shoulder.

Little sirens blared in his head. This was _not _cool!

Sasuke flailed around, occasionally kicking Orochimaru hard enough that he'd wince, but not hard enough for the sleaze-ball to drop him. This greatly angered the mighty Uchiha, who nearly got Orochimaru in a headlock before he was forcefully shoved away.

Orochimaru made for the door. Sasuke had nearly given up hope. But then…

They passed one of his phones.

The phone Sasuke never used.

It was anchored to the wall, drab and dull looking. Sasuke hadn't been happier to see it in his life.

With the sort of strength only a life-or-death adrenaline rush could bestow, Sasuke ripped the thing off the wall, dislodging a menagerie of cords, and twisted his body around to heave the thing at the back of Orochimaru's head.

Orochimaru fell to the floor like a rock. Sasuke gracefully sprang away. His guardian rubbed his head and stood up again. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. That should have _at least_ knocked him out. Damn!

"You filthy…" gasp, "rotten…" heave, "little…" wheeze, "WHORE!" cough.

Orochimaru was coming at him again.

He frantically searched the room for the phone that had recently saved his life.

It was in the middle of the room.

Right where he dropped it.

Orochimaru raised a fist that Sasuke was sure would knock him out cold.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," came a scratchy, cool voice from somewhere in the room.

Sasuke and Orochimaru both glanced off in the direction of the door.

There, in the doorway, was a rather pissed off looking Kisame.

He leaned casually against the wall, a cigarette dangling lazily off of his lips. He had that bad-ass look in his eye and an overall threatening aura. Such was the way Kisame continually presented himself. Always appearing right when Sasuke needed him most. Not a second earlier or later.

Sasuke was so happy, he nearly cheered for the shark.

Nearly.

Uchihas did _not _cheer.

Orochimaru was distracted, leaving Sasuke with the option of crawling along the wall and out of harm's way. Once he was safely out of striking range, Sasuke watched as Kisame smiled one of his menacing smiles.

"And just _where_ were we going with Sasuke, hm?" He asked, stooping forward to glare lazily into Orochimaru's eyes. Sasuke watched as Orochimaru returned Kisame's glare with equal force.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow.

They looked at each other with strange familiarity. Odd, Sasuke thought, because he never introduced Orochimaru to Kisame before. Kisame knew Orochimaru though. Sasuke constantly had a disturbing story to tell the shark concerning his pedophile guardian.

Maybe they knew each other from somewhere…?

Where?

Or maybe he was imagining things. Yes, that was it.

"You and I both know very well that I could kick your ass," Orochimaru growled with a cruel smile of his own. In response, Kisame's confidence seemed to double. "That's the kind of thinking only an idiot would do," he purred.

Orochimaru quirked an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

"Quite," Kisame smiled, "You may be able to kick my ass, but what will happen after that, hm?"

Sasuke watched in cleverly disguised, rapt fascination as the two people in front of him became engaged in intense verbal warfare.

Orochimaru seemed as if he hadn't quite grasped the shark's last statement. "What do you mean by that?" he questioned, eyeing Kisame and crossing his arms uncomfortably.

"You see," Kisame began, taking a few measured steps into the room, "You _can_ beat me to a pulp and steal Sasuke away for yourself," he took a breath and continued in a suave manner, "but you _can't _evade the revenge of those who care about his welfare far more than you do."

"Those are big words Kisame," Orochimaru commented slyly. "Say that again, only explain it to me like I'm a four year old, will you? That would help us both understand what you're saying."

Sasuke, who was apparently forgotten about by both participants of the word-war, snuck safely out of the way should a fight have broken out. He listened from a safe distance in the hall, where he could hear every word.

Almost.

Kisame didn't seem to be making any move to redeem himself. He let Orochimaru's last comment slide. "Alright. I'll put this into words that you'll understand. I mean, if you've got at least half of a brain in that thick skull of yours. You see, Snake-boy…"

Snake-boy? Orochimaru had a nickname? These two had to have met each other some time in the past. They knew each other's names, and plus, they knew nicknames too. Sasuke listened closer.

"Cut to the chase, _Shark_-boy," Orochimaru bit back.

"You see," Kisame continued, ignoring Sasuke's guardian, "Unlike you, I have friends."

"Oh, you do?" the Snake-man mocked with a laugh.

"Oh yes," Sasuke swore he heard the smile in Kisame's voice, "_good_ friends."

Orochimaru fell silent and shuffled his feet somewhat, a sure sign he was losing his composure. This caused Sasuke's puzzlement level to rise even more. What kind of friends did Kisame have? More so, what kind of friends would Orochimaru be so terrified of? His train of thought led him back to earlier assumptions that Itachi had something to do with this.

In the past he'd always find himself believing and hoping that Itachi was alive, if only for the express purpose of exacting his revenge. But he found himself now hoping and wishing that his brother had remained in his grave.

"Say you killed me," Kisame suggested, "or seriously hurt me or something. My friends might get mad at you and tear you apart. But say you kidnapped someone very… close, to my friends," The shark lowered his voice. Sasuke pressed his ear to the wall and listened carefully.

"Then they'd hunt you down, cut you open, and eat your heart raw."

Sasuke wrinkled his nose. How very… grotesque of Kisame. Not to say he wasn't thankful, as the annoying guardian seemed to be backing down.

Still though.

Why the hell was he so important to these people, these 'friends' that Kisame was so fond of? A little voice in his head told him that these people were just old friends of the Uchiha family. An even bigger voice, however, was screaming to him that the world wasn't telling him something. It wasn't telling him something he needed to know. That voice also screamed what this 'something' could be.

Itachi.

"So you stay away from Sasuke. You do anything funny, and my friends will hear about it. Deal?" Kisame said in his usual cocky and all-knowing way.

Orochimaru growled and Sasuke could hear footsteps that weren't headed his way.

Good!

The bastard was leaving!

"Oh, and Orochimaru…" The footsteps stopped and Sasuke heard whispering. He listened as hard as he could, but he couldn't make out a word.

----

It was, like, two-o-clock already!

And Naruto's boyfriend was nowhere in sight!

He paced back and forth from his kitchen to his living room over, and over, and over again. He'd practically burned a hole in the carpet and left skid-marks on the wood floor from dragging his feet.

Sasuke wasn't coming was he?

Maybe he just told Naruto 'yes' because he wanted him to stop rambling so he could get more sleep. The anxious blonde scowled. That little creep! Who did he think he was?

Scratch that.

He was the all-powerful Uchiha Sasuke.

He could do whatever he damn well wanted to.

He should've tagged along with Gaara after all. Even though he was busy. Naruto smiled as he recalled his recent phone call to the red-haired fiend.

"_Hey Gaara?"_

"_What is it this time, Naruto?"_

"_Don't be such a spoil-sport. Anyway, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something with me today."_

"_Actually, Naruto," Gaara paused, "I'm going to be busy."_

_Naruto frowned, "Why?"_

_Gaara sighed, "Just because."_

"_You're so conceited!"_

"_You don't know what that means."_

"_So what. I heard it on the Oprah show once."_

"_That's great, Naruto," Gaara said flatly, "but I'm busy. I have to try on some new clothes-"_

"_Whoa! Hold the phone! –No, Gaara! Not 'put the phone on hold!'"_

_Gaara snorted on the other end of the phone. "I'm going to a movie."_

"_Alone?"_

"_No, idiot. Well… not…"_

"_Are you going to this movie with a friend?" Naruto eyed the phone slyly._

"…_sure."_

"_A boyfriend?"_

"_Mind your own business."_

_Naruto giggled, "Would this 'friend' of yours happen to have long, silky, black hair?"_

"…"

"_And dreamy, pale blue eyes?"_

"_How much do you know?" Gaara asked emotionlessly._

"_Give me ten bucks and I know nothing."_

"_Done."_

_Click!_

Naruto smiled and hugged himself. He could be such a sly little fox when he wanted to be. And now he was ten smackaroos richer!

Joy!

As fun as that was, the fact remained that his boyfriend was nowhere to be found. When he showed up… if he showed up, Naruto would never let him hear the end of it. He'd be late on his first date and, assuming Gaara and Neji had gone to the same theatre, he wouldn't be able to spy on them making out in the front row!

Grrrr!

Naruto trudged back up the stairs and looked in his mirror. He sighed. He'd given himself the world's best makeover and now there was no one to show it off to. His whisker marks were perfectly straight and he'd gone over his eyelids with four shades of turquoise and lime green. He had just the right amounts of mascara and eyeliner on each eye. He even bothered to coordinate his outfit with his eyes.

And for what?

A lazy boyfriend who wouldn't bother to come to a movie with him?

Bullshit.

Naruto wandered back down the stairs and into his living room. He glanced out the window just in time to see one bitch of a car scream into his driveway.

Naruto crossed his arms and growled.

It was about time.

Naruto grabbed his purse off of the kitchen table, threw it over his shoulder, then marched out the door, slamming the screen against the side of the house. He found himself looking into the eyes of a surprised-looking Sasuke.

A paint chip fell into Naruto's hair.

Fuming silently to himself, Naruto put on his best show of nasty, evil anger. He crossed his arms tightly against his chest and gave Sasuke a very even stare. The duck-haired boy raised an eyebrow in response.

So he was going to be smart, eh? Naruto'd show him smart.

"You're late," he said in his most intimidating voice.

"I got held up," Sasuke stated without much enthusiasm.

That's right punk. Better not give Naruto the Whore Queen any attitude. Since he was off to a good start, the blonde ball of fury decided to go on.

"You got held up, huh?" he tapped his foot on the ground, "By what?"

"It's a long story," Sasuke explained, once again with no enthusiasm.

Naruto was starting recognize his boyfriend's lack of excitement as some degree of regret. He might have softened up, but he was cruising on an ego trip at that moment in time. He had to show the ungrateful little worm where he stood.

"Oh really? Tell me. You've wasted my time, so now I figure I'll waste yours. The movie's probably over by now anyway," Naruto always wanted to be a little bitchy. Now that he was, he didn't want to stop.

It was fun!

Sasuke glared up at the blonde, "I got held up, okay. I didn't come to get cut down by you. I came because I thought we could still make it in time to see that damn movie you wanted to see."

"Yeah, the first twenty minutes are previews anyway," Naruto mentioned offhandedly while aloofly checking out his nails.

"Yes, and- what did you say?" A very puzzled Sasuke looked up at Naruto, who'd very rapidly changed his mind. Naruto smiled. Being a bitch was only fun for a while. He melted like ice-cream in July. He bowled Sasuke over in a gigantic bear hug.

"Let's go!" The blonde dragged his bewildered boyfriend over to the growling machine that swung into his driveway earlier.

Naruto was inspired to remember one of that Fig Newton guy's laws of whatever-it-was. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion and objects at rest tend to stay at rest until acted upon by an outside force. Sasuke was one of those un-moving objects. He required a little more force. Therefore, Naruto swung Sasuke's arm over his shoulder and pulled with all his might until the dark-eyed boy's feet started moving in the direction of the car.

----

"You weigh a ton," Naruto piped up cheerily.

The blonde girl's mind traveled too fast for Sasuke to keep up with. He was vaguely aware that his arm was being stretched in an unnatural and painful manner. In an effort to relieve that pain, he started walking in the direction he was being pulled.

As they neared Kisame's car, Sasuke was worried that Naruto would gripe about being too dependant on scary people. When she popped open the door and bounced inside without a complaint, Sasuke was left with no choice but to follow.

Naruto smiled happily and shifted around in her seat. Sasuke was speechless. He swore she had a very odd case of attention deficit disorder. Perhaps she was bipolar? If so, she probably couldn't afford the medication to take care of it.

Ah.

That explained things.

"Are you two done kissing and making up?" Kisame twisted around in the driver's seat and flashed one of his famous toothy smiles.

Sasuke didn't feel like talking to the shark. He had a hunch that the person who was supposed to be his greatest ally was hiding something from him. When he asked him about it after Orochimaru left, he didn't say much. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked on. It was vexing, knowing that someone he thought he knew knew something he didn't know, so he didn't know this person very well at all.

As if that made any sense.

He wasn't surprised when Naruto looked at Kisame funny. He was surprised, however, when the shark squinted at her. The blonde maniac crossed her arms and leaned forward, glaring at him from the corner of her eye.

Sasuke swore he'd never figure these people out. Kisame and Naruto had a way with confusing him whenever they felt like it.

In an unexpected move on Kisame's part, he crossed his eyes and Naruto just couldn't contain her laughter. Sasuke could only wonder what went on in the minds of his two comrades that could possibly be so hilarious.

The Uchiha speculated that this was Kisame's way of trying to get him to lighten up. It wasn't working.

"It's almost two-twenty," he pointed out, "we have ten minutes."

"Then let's get going, shall we?" Kisame consented all too easily, which made little alarm bells go off in the Uchiha's head. The car rumbled and Sasuke heard the sound of a stick-shift being jerked around. The car surged backward and dipped into the road before turning sharply.

More clanking of the transmission and the car shot forward like a bullet. Sasuke was used to the sudden movements of his friend's car, but Naruto…

That was a different story.

As they went through the series of jerking motions Kisame liked to call 'getting used to driving again,' Naruto was in the midst of having a great time. She threw her arms in the air like she was on a roller-coaster or something, laughing and bouncing up and down every time Kisame's car swerved.

Odd, Sasuke thought, because the first time he rode with Kisame he had no time for fun and games. He was too busy trying to keep from falling off of the seat. He hung on for his life. All the seatbelts in Kisame's car were defective, which made things much worse.

After eight blocks or so, the car settled down. A giant smile was plastered on Naruto's face. "This is exactly like riding in my mom's car!" Naruto exclaimed.

Oh lovely.

Sasuke was now convinced that Naruto lived in hell.

"So where are the seatbelts in this thing?" Naruto asked after taking a brief look around. Kisame glanced over his right shoulder, saying "Seatbelts? What seatbelts?"

Sasuke grinned as Naruto assumed the likeness of a suffocating goldfish. "What do you mean 'what seatbelts?' If we crash, we'll, like, die or something!"

"Well let's hope I don't crash then!" Kisame cackled.

Naruto then glared at Sasuke like it was his fault. Great. She was going to lecture him about other people. He just shrugged his shoulders.

Before Naruto had a chance to complain, Kisame made a sharp right. Naruto got pulled over to the left by centrifugal force and, as a result, was too busy laughing to speak.

"So then," Kisame began when Naruto could hear him, "tell me about yourself."

Sasuke crossed his arms. Kisame wasn't the kind of person to bother with small talk. Why would he care about someone else's girlfriend? He found himself becoming more and more suspicious of his drug-dealer.

Naruto, who apparently was not as suspicious as he, happily elaborated. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! Queen of the Whores!"

Sasuke sighed and buried his head in his hands. She was so immature. It was embarrassing…

Kisame was quiet a minute, which only put Sasuke further on edge. He didn't know what part of the silence he hated most. Kisame could've recognized the name for some unknown reason, or worse, he could've known someone in Naruto's family. Normally, when Kisame knew someone, it wasn't a friendly 'know.'

"Uzumaki? I've heard that name before," Kisame said thoughtfully.

This was what Sasuke was afraid of.

Either her mom was in the drug business or her dad used to be.

_Used to be._

Didn't Naruto say her dad got shot a long time ago? By the Akatsuki?

The Akatsuki…

"Is your mom named Kyuubi?" Kisame asked innocently. Sasuke knew the innocence was only an act. He wanted to get something out of Naruto, and by God, the shark was going to get it.

"Yep!" Naruto piped up. She was completely oblivious to the vengeful gleam in Kisame's eyes.

"She was a good friend of mine. I haven't seen her in a long time. Where's she been?"

"_Unlike you, I have friends."_

"_Oh, you do?"_

"_Oh yes…_good_ friends."_

Please, Naruto. Don't answer him!

"She's been around. She likes going to parties with her friends. She leaves all the time. She has fun though, and I guess I really don't care about anything else," Naruto smiled sadly.

"So you live with her and not your dad then?" Kisame asked.

Sasuke silently gritted his teeth.

Of course she lives with her mom. Her dad's dead and you know that!

He dreaded what the shark might have been thinking when he started asking all of these questions. What could he want with Naruto's mom? As far as Sasuke was concerned, she was just a party animal.

"Yeah, my dad died a long time ago," Naruto explained. Kisame went through a myriad of apologies, all of which Sasuke knew were fake.

The shark didn't say much after that. Neither did Naruto for that matter. Sasuke peered over to get a look at Kisame's face.

He was smiling.

"Everything's coming my way…" He whispered to himself.

"That's because you're in the wrong lane," Sasuke pointed out casually. Kisame glanced back at him out of surprise. Funny. Apparently that was something he wasn't supposed to hear.

----

"Shit!" Kisame swerved back into his lane just in time to avoid clipping a truck with his mirrors. This caused an inevitable fit of giggling on Naruto's part.

This was just too fun!

Naruto never thought that a ride in a creepy stranger's car could've been this fun! The questioning about his mom was a bit unnerving though. How could he have been a friend of his mom's, and yet she never told him anything about him.

Maybe she slept with him once.

Yeah.

…

…Eww.

How his mom could stomach it, he didn't know. He must've had a lot of money. A LOT of money. He didn't look like a business tycoon, so maybe he sold drugs or something. And maybe that was why Sasuke was always so…

Naw.

He kept forgetting that Sasuke had absolutely everything he ever wanted. Besides, only creepy, homeless, dirty people did stuff like that. Sasuke was silent and stoic maybe, but not creepy, he had the best apartment Naruto'd ever seen, and every time he looked at the dark-haired boy, he had to wear shades because every single part of him glimmered like a jewel.

Boy, if Sasuke heard that one, his ego would get so big it would suffocate him.

"Do you have a driver's license?" he asked as Kisame pulled back onto the right side of the road. The addressed looked back at Naruto with a peculiar look on his face. "License? What license?"

Naruto sat tight as Kisame went through another set of turns. As he laughed and had a great time, he noticed Sasuke.

And he stopped laughing.

Sasuke had clammed up for some mysterious reason and was now staring straight through the back of the passenger seat in front of him. He was thinking about something, Naruto knew.

He started to feel a little bad for Sasuke. Maybe somehow this was his fault. Yes, ever since he started bitching about Sasuke being late, his boyfriend was almost completely silent.

He shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.

He had to do something. Their love was in jeopardy! What would his mom do? No. He didn't want to know. If anything she'd offer to sleep with him for free. That might have worked, but Naruto had other things in mind.

Sasuke still glared a hole in the back of the seat.

Naruto knew he was doing him a big favor by going to this movie with him. Maybe he should've had more tolerance of Sasuke's timing. Sasuke had his own problems to deal with, Naruto should've known that.

He was left to feel like shit all by himself. When Kisame steered the car to a screeching halt in the theatre parking lot, all was silent.

Naruto didn't say a word.

In response, Sasuke seemed to snap out of his trance. He looked over at Naruto, who busied himself by examining his nails which he'd recently painted and were now glimmering in the sunlight.

"We're here. Get out," Kisame kidded as he stopped more or less inside the designated parking space. Naruto meekly pushed the door open, walked over to the pavement, and waited for Sasuke. He twiddled his thumbs as the silent Uchiha walked over to him and Kisame's car jerked forward and rumbled away.

Naruto stared down at the pavement, feeling sorry for himself. Sasuke got angry so easily. Naruto couldn't blame him though. Naruto did a lot of annoying things.

"You coming?" Sasuke's voice woke Naruto up. He glanced over to find the dark eyes of Sasuke staring directly into his. Naruto nodded, blushing slightly when he realized he'd been daydreaming.

Good going smartass. Now Sasuke only hates you more.

He avoided looking directly into Sasuke's eyes as he walked past. The Uchiha followed him in. When they reached the ticket line, Naruto noticed something odd.

His purse was missing.

Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! He probably left it in the car! Great, another thing for Sasuke to hate him for. Sasuke didn't suffer fools well, and Naruto was the biggest fool in Konoha.

"Aren't you buying your own ticket?" Sasuke's voice seemed to growl. Naruto chuckled nervously, "I left my purse in the car, I think…"

Sasuke sighed, "I'll buy."

"Thanks," whispered the embarrassed blonde.

All he got for his appreciation was a barely audible "hn" from the boy with duck hair.

Yep.

He hated Naruto.

High school relationship number two down the drain. He sighed to himself.

He needed to do something fast. If there was any chance at all of saving the two of them, he had to think of it within the next hour or so.

They bought their tickets and their popcorn. Naruto loved gummy bears, but he didn't feel like bugging Sasuke out of any more of his money.

When they got into the theatre, the previews were about over. Awesome timing on Kisame's part. He scanned the rows for any sign of Neji or Gaara, but only saw people he didn't know. They were all teens. Out for a cheap thrill no doubt.

Sasuke and Naruto decided to sit in the front row, where the movie was loudest, biggest, and scariest.

After one more preview, the movie started.

----

Sasuke grew increasingly uncomfortable with the situation. He was uncomfortable enough that he could hardly pay attention to the movie he paid to watch. It was something about a creepy house where people died and their ghosts made other people disappear.

Naruto distracted him. She was so loud and obnoxious until about two minutes before they stopped. It wasn't the first time he'd been sidetracked by her for being something other than annoying.

From the moment they got out of the car she avoided looking at him. She kept deathly quiet and sunk lower and lower in her chair with each passing minute.

Sasuke forced himself to snap out of it.

She was overreacting about something and needed to grow up. Whatever it was, she could deal with it herself.

He sighed. As always, he was just trying to convince himself that he was too high up to help anyone else with their problems. Besides, if Kisame was searching for her mom, she needed more help than she realized, if she realized at all.

While he was thinking, half of the audience jumped, including Naruto. She glanced up at him, but blushed and turned her head away again as soon as she met his eyes.

This was where Sasuke's temper cut in.

He had too many problems at the moment. Too many things on his mind. He was through with thinking rationally.

Were they both right back where they started? In Kakashi's classroom feeling surprised, insulted, and a bit shy?

Maybe he was wrong at the beginning of the year. Maybe he had a heart and just had to admit that Naruto had it in her hand. Up until now, the both of them still had trouble grasping what it was like to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It was still the beginning of the year. It was far from too late to tie this dysfunctional relationship together.

Maybe having a girlfriend wasn't such a bad idea. He'd have something to distract himself from the problems that presented themselves whenever he took a breath. Sure, she was romantically retarded, but maybe she just needed to be helped along a bit.

The whole process of getting to know one another was stuck in reverse. If Naruto didn't do something about it, Sasuke would.

----

"Hey Dobe."

Damn! He spoke! Naruto was hoping for the movie to end so he could go home without a word about how stupid he was.

Regardless of how much he didn't want to talk to Sasuke, it would have been worse not to. "Yeah…?" Naruto whispered.

"Do you see that dot up there on the screen?"

This wasn't what Naruto expected. Curious, he asked where it was.

"Up there in the corner," Sasuke pointed to the top right corner of the screen, "don't you see it?"

They were both to the far left of the front row. Naruto squinted and screwed up his face. He leaned a little closer, but he still couldn't see it. If it was there, it was too far away.

"I can't see it. Maybe you're imagining things," he told Sasuke.

"No," Sasuke said in a quiet voice, "it's there. Look a little harder."

He already looked! There was nothing there! It was as clear as crystal! No spots whatsoever! Sasuke was delusional. Maybe it was just out of gullibility, but he thought he saw a little dot for a moment.

Naruto leaned in a little closer to Sasuke and peered at the corner of the screen. There was nothing there, was there? He leaned in a little closer and then…

Naruto didn't have time to wonder what was going on, it just happened.

Soft lips pressed against his and Naruto froze on the spot.

What was happening? A few seconds ago there was a spot on the screen and Sasuke was mad as hell. Now… was Sasuke _kissing _him?

Sasuke's fingers wound their way into Naruto's hair, tilting the blonde's head back. Naruto felt his boyfriend's thumb rubbing in circles against his scalp.

His eyes widened.

His worst nightmare was coming true!

Sasuke was so angry, he was trying to suck Naruto's soul out of his mouth!

Or…

He looked into Sasuke's dark, dark eyes with wide blue ones of his own. There was no malice or hatred in those eyes, just… Naruto didn't really know what it was. It was hard to tell with Sasuke. Naruto never really knew what he was thinking, and, he figured, neither did the rest of the world.

Naruto finally came to the conclusion that Sasuke was kissing him. This realization set Naruto's face on fire. He turned bright red and his eye started to twitch.

After what seemed like forever, Sasuke broke the kiss and Naruto floundered for words. During countless attempts at coherent human speech, followed by short pauses, Sasuke only sat there waiting for something. Naruto could only wonder what that something might be.

He was so… argh! Naruto had been tricked out of his first kiss! His first kiss… his first _real_ kiss, anyhow. It felt real enough. It didn't say 'I wonder what will happen if I kiss you,' or 'let's go back to my place and have some fun if you know what I mean.' It didn't really say 'I love you' either, but Naruto hoped it was something along the lines of 'I don't know if I can love you, but I'll give it a try.'

He stopped floundering when he got lost in his thoughts. As the horror film danced on the screen, both Naruto and Sasuke sat in silence. Naruto gazed into Sasuke's eyes, and he returned the gaze. Naruto was aware that he was still blushing like a maniac and once again searched for something to say.

"You tricked me," he drew his eyebrows together and crossed his arms, trying to look his meanest and failing due to the blush that still dusted his cheeks. Sasuke only smiled and leaned back in his seat like this was the reaction he expected.

"Made you look."

----

That was a start.

Sasuke wasn't really practiced in the art of kissing, but he figured he did well enough. He would've broken the kiss sooner, but damn, did Naruto have some delicious lip gloss!

That was a good excuse, so he stuck with it.

Sasuke thought he might like the whole idea of kissing. Oddly enough, he thought it was relaxing. He felt a bit less stressed out. The fact remained, though, that there were a lot more problems he had to deal with outside of Naruto.

Speaking of problems, his wrists were starting to itch.

"Hey Sasuke?"

He looked over to see a blushing Naruto looking up at him with those big, innocent, blue eyes. He lost himself for a second wondering what he would do if Kisame did something to hurt those eyes. He had a sinking feeling that Naruto wasn't safe anymore. Kisame seemed much too interested in her family. There was no telling what he was up to.

"SAAAAAsukeeeeeeee… Earth to Sasuke," he was brought back to life by the waving action of one of Naruto's hands in his face.

"Yeah?" he answered casually, trying to ignore the tingling in his arms.

"So there really wasn't anything on the screen?" she asked innocently.

Sasuke gave a crafty smile, "I don't know. Maybe you could take another look."

The girl's blush returned with a vengeance and she playfully slapped Sasuke in the face. Sasuke didn't mind. The look on her face was priceless. Her sparkling eyes were squinted in a doll-like scowl and she drew her upper lip up in a pout. She couldn't hold back a smile and stuck her tongue out at him when he did nothing but stare.

Sasuke relaxed in his chair.

This was good progress. She was looking at him again and all he had to do was trick her into a kiss.

----

Recovering from the initial surprise of being kissed out of the blue, Naruto noticed that his boyfriend was getting far-off again. In the past few minutes he had already zoned out several times. Plus, he was doing the really weird thing where he subconsciously scratched at those things on his wrists.

"Do you ever take those off?" he asked Sasuke curiously.

Sasuke looked shocked for a moment before answering that he did. Naruto asked him when. Sasuke said nothing and continued peering at him in that peculiar way people do when you ask them a question they weren't expecting.

Hmmm… It appeared that Sasuke was self-conscious about his wrists. Maybe he was hiding something. What would he be hiding?

Naruto's eyes twitched.

Did he _cut_ himself?

Naruto didn't recall ever seeing a bloody knife when he was cleaning his kitchen. Maybe he had a special one that he hid somewhere. In any case, it was clear to him that he'd have to go snooping around Sasuke's room if he wanted the answer.

In the mean time, Naruto opted to try to curb his thoughts away from self-destruction. What could he do?

He could buy Sasuke something.

Naruto scrunched his nose up. No, that wouldn't work. Sasuke could buy anything he wanted. Hell, he probably already bought everything he wanted.

He could take Sasuke out to dinner or something, but Sasuke would end up paying for everything since Naruto was virtually broke.

Hugs then?

Snuggling was good.

Maybe Sasuke needed a little sugar to sweeten his life up a notch.

Snicker…

Without warning to the dark-haired boy, Naruto threw his arms around Sasuke's shoulders and buried his nose in his shirt. He still couldn't believe Sasuke kissed him earlier, so he figured he'd return the favor.

In an instant, Sasuke stiffened up. Naruto, however, felt confident in his warm fuzzy skills and held on. When Sasuke didn't warm up to him after a minute or so, Naruto began to wonder what he was so uptight about. Wasn't _he_ the one who kissed Naruto? And now he was afraid of cuddling?

Oh please.

Baby…

It took a while, but Naruto's patience paid off. Sasuke relaxed and leaned back in his seat. He put his arm around Naruto and the two of them watched the rest of the movie in peace.

It was during this snuggling that Naruto came to the conclusion that Sasuke's sole purpose in life was to serve him as a giant pillow. Sure, the pillowcase was a little starchy and scratchy, but Sasuke was just stuffed with fluff.

Seriously though.

Sasuke was comfortable to lean on. Naruto would've fallen asleep had a ghost not suddenly popped out of a wall and eaten the main character's daughter.

Half of the audience screamed, then laughed once they realized they were foolish enough to get scared.

Naruto just jumped.

He noticed with interest that Sasuke didn't move much. He shivered now and then, but when the movie got most suspenseful he did nothing.

Naruto made a mental note to himself that Sasuke had already lived through a nightmare.

Ghosts were cake.

The main character broke a curse, condemned the creepy house, then the credits rolled and the audience exited stage left. Naruto stood up and stretched. Sasuke followed suit.

"That was _some_ movie, wasn't it?" Naruto flashed a vulpine smile. Sasuke only rolled his eyes and grumbled about how obvious the computer-generated graphics were. Naruto figured as much and Sasuke's complaining didn't bother him.

"Getting a little comfortable, aren't we?"

Naruto whirled around at the sudden sound, striking a mock ninja pose. Sasuke only glanced over his shoulder.

Naruto flashed a huge smile.

There were Gaara and Neji, all decked out in their dating gear. And if Naruto's eyes didn't lie, Gaara wasn't wearing his trench coat.

"I thought you might be here!" Naruto exclaimed triumphantly.

Gaara and Neji both smiled in amusement. "And you were hoping to spy on us, right?" Neji asked confidently.

"No I wasn't!"

"You were too," Gaara retorted flatly.

Naruto ignored his friend. "Where were you guys? Were you late too?" he asked.

Gaara smiled.

"Actually we came early," explained Neji, "We were in the second to last row. We hid as soon as we saw you guys come in."

"Cheaters!" Naruto angrily pointed a finger at the both of them.

"So you didn't get to spy on us," Gaara said smugly, "but we had a perfect view."

----

Chibi Neji: Wow. Fluff.

Chibi Naruto: It's not extinct after all!

Chibi Sasuke: You don't know what that means.

Chibi Naruto: Killjoy!

Chibi Sasuke: You don't know that one either.

Chibi Naruto: …-mumbles- stupid Sasuke…

Chibi Sasuke: What?

Chibi Naruto: Nothing!

Me: Helloooo! I live! Aren't you happy to see me?

Audience: -throws stones-

Me: You're too kind…

Chibi Gaara: Swirl-chan had a few… er… problems.

Chibi Naruto: Yeah! Including laziness, stupidity, crankiness, lack of enthusiasm-

Me: -suffocates Naruto with a trash bag-

Chibi Gaara: Yes, well, Swirl-chan doesn't have any really juicy excuses for you this time, but she does have cookies.

Chibi Naruto: Review for the cookies!

Chibi Gaara: Like it? Hate it? Want to bludgeon it to death with a metal fold-up chair? Review, review, review!


	13. 13: Locked down

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer:** I'm not worthy to own it. Nor am I worthy to own flavor-blasted goldfish. Those things are GOOOOD…

((An explanation as to my tardiness: Well, my dad just left for Colombia of all places… He's already nearly been killed by a scorpion and fallen off of a boat. If he isn't killed in the jungle… well… the fact that he's being led around by an armed guard speaks for itself. This uncharacteristic worry of mine has put me on edge and I dare say I even feel a little depressed. Imagine! Me! Depressed! Odd, yes. So cut me some slack. Gomen Na!))

Me: Hello all! Thank you so much for reviewing. You inspire me! -sparkles-

Chibi Naruto: Yes, she got a few reeeaaallly ego-boosting reviews. Thanks to everyone who reviews! You make Swirly happy.

Me: I've also decided to explain why this isn't in the humor section on Number one: I never read stuff out of the humor section. Number two: Putting it in the humor section would pressure me to make it funny. Funny just comes natural for me and I don't want to push my luck. Number three: As a result of trying too hard, my story wouldn't have the ridiculous hilarity you've all come to expect from me. Finally, Number four: My plot may have a few wacky details, but for the most part, I'm a romantic writer. I write about the darker side. Drama, however funny, is still drama. Plus… I'm getting serious now.

Chibi Gaara: That was a mouthful.

Chibi Naruto: O.o Serious…

Chibi Gaara: Well, now that we've cleared that up…

Me: Another chapter! Things heat up from here on. More action, surprises, and other… umm… stuff…

Chibi Naruto: …That's going to be…

Me: …Potentially dangerous.

Chibi Gaara: Yes. Well, anyway, Swirls thanks you again for your reviews.

Me: Yes! I love you all! XD So without further ado, here's chapter thirteen! Read, review, and relax!

**J L H 13**

It wasn't fair.

It just wasn't fair.

Ino had told her all about it. Apparently she was sitting a few rows or so behind Sasuke and Naruto when the blue-eyed bitch stole Sasuke's first kiss. She practically attacked Sasuke, who was taken by surprise by her disgustingly cute evilness. Sakura threw up a little when she heard.

Her inner self screeched that poor Sasuke probably never knew where that mouth could've been. She grimaced at the thought. Naruto might have had rabies!

What really got to her was the rumor that Sasuke hadn't fought back. There was even a whisper going around that Sasuke actually kissed Naruto, and not the other way around. Sakura knew that couldn't possibly be true, especially considering the fact that she was about a thousand times prettier than her new arch-nemesis.

It was becoming apparent to her that she and Ino would have to band together, if only for a short while, to fend off this intruder. After that they could resume their normal verbal warfare over Konoha's most eligible bachelor.

She lurked in her usual spot in the middle of her group of lackeys on the front lawn of the school. She didn't have much of an appetite, so she nibbled on a few cheese crackers from a nearby vending machine.

"Cheer up, Sakura," one of her friends piped up, "I'm sure it wasn't Sasuke's fault."

"Of course it wasn't," another girl laughed, "Naruto's the ugliest girl in the whole school."

"And you're the prettiest!"

"Yeah!"

Sakura subconsciously blocked the voices out. There was something skinny, green, and familiar coming at her from the School's front door.

"Sakura?"

"Are you listening?"

Indeed she wasn't, for just ahead, walking toward her with a few pink flowers in his hand, was her worst nightmare. She stayed quiet to alert her group that something was amiss. Her friends seemed to get the drift and all gave the intruder the cold shoulder.

A wall of green stopped a few feet in front of her.

"Hi, Sakura!"

Sakura only stared up into the most goofy-looking pair of eyes she'd ever seen.

"I brought you some flowers," he smiled, "They were the most beautiful ones I could find, just like you."

Sweet.

If only it were Sasuke talking.

"Go away Lee," growled Sakura, "Your eyebrows are blocking my sun."

"But-" he stuttered. Sakura didn't have anything nice to say to him, so after a few seconds, Rock Lee hung his head and walked away and she could breathe again. He was barely out of earshot when her clique started chattering.

"Geez, Sakura, he really needs to get his eyebrows done."

"Yeah, God must've screwed up when he was making his face and then ran out of clay to fix it."

Giggle, giggle, giggle.

Once again, Sakura wasn't listening. Lee was meandering out of sight in a comical sort of way. He was hunched over with his arms hanging straight down while his legs moved in a mechanical manner. He always did this when Sakura turned him down. Day after day he came with something different. Day after day she'd ignore him. And yet, day after day he left whatever it was that he brought to her even though she made a fool out of him.

The forlorn bouquet of pink flowers was still lying on the ground when he left. Sakura disinterestedly picked it up and examined the flowers and the blue wire-tie they were bound with. They smelled good, she admitted, before using that excuse to stuff them in her pocket for later.

----

Naruto slurped his lunch with a vigor he didn't have before last weekend.

Sasuke kissed him! He was still geeking out about it! He snuggled up to Sasuke, all the while devouring his ramen like a starved baboon. Sasuke stiffened up a bit, but Naruto knew he'd get over it.

Kiss.

Kissity kissity kiss!

Naruto felt like he could fly. He had to tell his mom about it. She'd throw him a party and buy him a flat-screen TV. Best of all, she'd reveal where she'd hidden all of his precious food. He hugged himself.

"Naruto," he looked up to see Sasuke half smiling, half glaring at him, "Dobe, you're going to push me over."

Naruto smiled mischievously back at his boyfriend. Yes, it was official. Sasuke was now undeniably Naruto's boyfriend. "Well, Sasuke-Teme," he grinned, "I guess I'll have to move away then." He inched away ever so slowly before pushing Sasuke over onto the pavement with his foot, upon which Sasuke slapped him and poured the remains of his ramen down Naruto's shirt. In response, Naruto proceeded to scream like a girl and hit him over the head with his left shoe.

Throughout all this, Sasuke seemed to be enjoying himself.

Naruto smiled to himself.

He needed to do that more often.

Meanwhile, he was well aware that a pair of eyes had been following his every movement and had been doing so for quite some time. He stopped trying to beat Sasuke to death with his shoe and quickly glanced behind him.

As soon as he looked back, he thought he saw something move in the trees near the ramen stand.

Sasuke, who had apparently noticed that he was no longer in danger of death-by-shoe, decided to speak up. "Dobe, what are you looking at?" he asked.

"I dunno," Naruto began warily, "I had this feeling that we were being watched."

Sasuke snorted. Naruto frowned indignantly and growled, "What, you didn't feel it too?"

"No, I did," Sasuke explained, "But I thought it might have just been my imagination. Sometimes that happens."

"Ah," Naruto whispered, "Do you suppose we should go check it out?"

Sasuke hesitated for a moment.

"Fine. I'll go check it out!" Naruto whispered excitedly, pointing at himself enthusiastically and flashing one of his vulpine grins.

Naruto could tell that Sasuke was going to object and suggest that they both just move somewhere else, but he wouldn't have it. His curiosity had gotten the better of him and he was going to find out what was spying on him. He cast a quick glance at the man who ran the ramen stand.

That was a good rhyme. Naruto filed it away in his brain for later use.

Anyway, he didn't notice anything odd about the man. Maybe he wasn't suspicious of anything.

Or maybe he was the one who did the spying…

No. If he was a stalker, then Naruto would've known it a long time ago. After all, he only ate lunch here every single school day. He also wasn't acting suspicious. Normally, if someone was guilty of something, Naruto could tell by the way they fidgeted and made themselves look busy. This guy wasn't doing anything weird.

Returning to his earlier suspicions that there was something hiding in the bushes, he crawled toward the spot like a fox on the prowl.

At least he believed himself to be a fox on the prowl.

In reality he thought he must've looked like a disoriented spider, half of whose legs had been taken off by the local lawnmower.

He crawled up to the edge of the evergreens, waited for any telltale rustling in the branches, and then pounced.

He expected to land on someone, pushing them over and knocking the breath out of them. What he did not expect, however, was to land on his face in the dirt. He sat up quickly before spitting dirt everywhere and huffing angrily to himself.

"Naruto? Are you alright?" Sasuke's smug voice asked in mock concern.

Naruto wanted to punch him in the face. "There's nobody here!" He grumbled, crossing his arms and searching the area with his eyes. A few seconds later, Sasuke strolled into the bushes and held out an arm. Naruto grudgingly took it and let Sasuke pull him up.

Sasuke was smirking down at him. Naruto pouted and stared accusingly at him. "You said that just to make me anxious, didn't you?" he growled.

"Said what?" Naruto could tell Sasuke was still on the verge of laughing at him.

"You said you felt the staring thing too. You lied, didn't you, you rat bastard!" Naruto accused.

"Actually I was telling the truth," Sasuke clarified. Naruto didn't believe him. "I told you not to go looking," the Uchiha went on, "but you didn't listen. Now you've made a fool of yourself and you're covered in dirt."

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him.

"Besides, it was probably the wind anyhow."

"There is no wind, Teme."

"Whatever. It was probably just a figment of both of our imaginations."

Fat chance of that. Naruto didn't believe it, and judging by the movement of Sasuke's eyes from side to side, neither did he.

Funny.

Maybe Sasuke needed to convince himself that things were fine just to sleep at night.

Just like him.

----

Art class came and Naruto was sitting at the same table with Sasuke and Shikamaru.

Sasuke never planned for that to happen before the weekend came. He thought it would be just him and Shikamaru the whole semester. What was once a quiet, moody table was now covered in bright acrylic paint and filled with the sound of a particular blonde's chipper voice. He found himself growing more and more used to Naruto's incessant chattering and, as a result, found himself beginning to like it. He couldn't say the same of Shikamaru, who was now unable to take a decent nap.

Good.

Maybe he'd start working for a change.

He glanced around the room. The girls at another table were unusually quiet. He frowned. Did news always travel this fast among the female population? Girls knew too much about everyone else's social lives.

Perhaps that was why he liked Naruto.

She didn't know anything about anything.

At the beginning of the school year, she didn't even know who he was. Sasuke thought that it was probably for the best. If she was a social butterfly like the rest of the girls he knew, he never would've liked her in the first place. He'd still be sitting at his chosen Art table, but she'd be across the room in that group of girls. They wouldn't be silent because he kissed someone, they would be babbling about which one of them was going to kiss him first.

That and his house would still be a dump.

He was decidedly glad Naruto was the way she was.

Getting off track, as he was looking around the room he noticed that Perry-Sensei was not at her post. Come to think of it, while he was thinking about Naruto, he hadn't noticed that no one bothered to take roll.

He did one last room check and noticed something odd. There was a burly looking guy with plenty of facial hair leaning by the window and smoking a cigarette.

…

What?

Who was this guy?

Sasuke decided to be bold.

He opened his mouth, and Naruto's voice came out.

"Who're you?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. He looked over at Naruto, who was apparently as interested in the identity of this man as he was. He relaxed and let the hyperactive blonde girl ask the questions for him.

"Who're you?" She asked again when he didn't answer.

He just turned and looked at her.

"You're not supposed to smoke in school you know. It's _illegal._"

He just took another drag from his cancer stick and continued looking out the window. "Sarutobi Asuma," he said after a few seconds of silence.

"What?" Naruto crossed her arms and frowned.

"That's my name," he then pointed to the white board, "It's right there. Can't you read?"

Sasuke turned his head. Sure enough, his name was written across the board in black marker.

"I knew that!" Naruto yelled as her face turned pink from embarrassment.

Sasuke smiled and rested his head on his arm. Naruto was amusing when she was angry. And, dare he say it, she was awfully cute.

Sarutobi-Sensei only muttered something about laziness before taking another drag of his cigarette.

Sasuke decided he liked this guy a whole lot more than Perry. He definitely wouldn't bother to tell the class about his weekend, much less go into detail about a simple assignment.

"So…" Naruto began again in a smaller voice, "What happened to Perry-Sensei?"

"She fell out of a tree and broke her hip," Sarutobi said coolly, "She'll be out for a while."

"What?" Naruto dropped into her seat with her mouth wide open. She started pulling her hair and gritting her teeth. "So now we're stuck with a jerk like you who smokes during class? Grrr! And I bet you're not even a teacher!"

While Naruto continued to gripe about losing a teacher, Sarutobi just smiled and smoked his cigarette like he didn't really care.

There wasn't much talking after that other than the occasional grumble about injustice from Naruto.

Out of his boredom, Sasuke was inspired to remember that a certain person who should've been sitting on Naruto's other side was missing.

Ah, yes.

Gaara had gone to lunch with Neji.

Lucky bastard.

He got to miss lunch plus an entire class extra. He and Neji probably had to come up with a few crafty excuses to be gone that long. Didn't Neji say something about a cousin of his visiting only for a day?

Bullshit.

In any case, he brought Gaara along for the ride and the two of them had been gone for a large amount of time.

Maybe they didn't have lunch at all. Maybe it was _them_ who were spying on Naruto and him earlier. They did it once. They could definitely do it again.

It gave him the creeps though.

Stalkers were scary. He knew. He had experience.

The bell rang and Naruto pulled him out of class. As Naruto chatted to him in the halls, a certain mop of red came into view with a tall, long-haired boy in tow.

"GAAAARRAAA!" the blonde pounced on Gaara and took Sasuke with her. The Uchiha somehow managed to keep upright by maintaining his balance on one foot.

After her initial joy at seeing her friend for the first time in a few hours, she began to shake him and ask why he didn't take her with him. Gaara replied that it was Neji's decision not to take her and that he couldn't do anything about it. He then added that he wouldn't have taken her anyway, much to Naruto's displeasure.

Sasuke watched as the girl abused the lapels of Gaara's trench coat. At one point, Neji tried to intervene, but Naruto bit his sleeve and he was too busy trying to shake her off to worry about Gaara.

What a bunch of idiots.

And he was in love with the stupidest one of them all.

Bah.

They were going to be late for class.

"We're going to be late if you keep that up," Sasuke pointed out. At the sound of his voice, Naruto snapped out of her crazed peer-abuse frenzy and released her two prisoners before happily prancing over to Sasuke's side.

Neji helped Gaara up off the floor and Sasuke kept a firm hold on Naruto's arm lest she try to tear a hole in Neji's jugular vein or something.

Not long after, they were safely in Kakashi's class and Neji and Gaara were safely two rows away from the savage ball of blonde that liked to call itself Naruto.

The bell rang again and Kakashi wrote a few things down in his attendance notebook without taking his eyes off of his precious Icha-Icha Paradise book.

Porn.

That's what it was.

Sasuke knew it.

What else would a guy bother to read seven hours a day, much less even read at all?

Kakashi went through his normal routine of assigning them something and not caring what the class did after that. As a result, most people opted to talk instead of work.

What did Kakashi care?

It wasn't his fault that people didn't want to work.

That's what he'd say.

Sasuke stayed quiet and rested his head on his desk. He closed his eyes. He was getting more and more tired as the days went on. His drugs sucked. They put him to sleep in the middle of class. By the looks of things, he was going to fall asleep again. He didn't have to worry though. Naruto would wake him up, and Kakashi didn't care.

----

"So is it true that your cousin is in town and he's only going to be here for one day?" Naruto had moved two rows over and was now asking enthusiastically.

Neji rolled his eyes. "It's partially true. My cousins are in town, but they will be staying here for a week or so. And by the way, they're both girls."

What?

Neji's cousins were girls?

"We ate lunch with them at some Asian restaurant," Gaara cut in, "They're from Japan."

"Wow," Naruto marveled at the distance between Neji and his cousin. "So, why do they live so far away?"

Neji tapped his pencil on his desk. "My parents and their parents aren't on the best of terms. I don't really like either of them that much myself."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" Naruto lectured, "You should be glad you have cousins. I just have my mom."

"Boy, I wish I were you," Neji said wistfully.

"Ah hah, no you don't," Naruto assured him with a few exaggerated hand motions.

"Why not?" Neji asked skeptically.

"She's crazy. You would _not _like to be in the same house with my mother for more than a day."

"Whatever. You're just saying that because you're her daughter."

"Exactly."

Naruto was through with arguing. Neji didn't know what he was talking about. He didn't want to see Naruto's mom. End of story.

He changed the subject.

"So why doesn't your dad like their dad or whatever?" Naruto asked.

Neji took a deep breath, "Well, my uncle never liked my dad, and I'm not sure whether or not my dad liked him. The real problem started after college. When my grandfather died, he left my dad and my uncle the family business and a lot of money. They fought for it at first, but my grandfather had a dying wish that my uncle make all the important decisions, since he was older. My dad respected his choice and backed off. My uncle still treats him as an inferior though. At least that's what he told me. It's complicated."

Neji paused, "I think he really cares for my uncle, but he's too much of an ass to admit it."

Naruto zoned out.

Something about his grandpa and people making more money than other people.

"Power corrupts."

Naruto and Neji turned to Gaara, who until recently was dead silent. Gaara eyed them suspiciously, "Well it does."

"So it does," agreed Neji.

"Umm, sure. But I wouldn't be the expert on power, so don't mind me," added Naruto with a flick of the wrist.

It was at that moment in time that the intercom bleeped.

"Sorry for the interruption," It was Tsunade, "but the school is currently on lockdown. This isn't a drill. If you're in class, I'm sure your teacher has designated a spot for you to hide in. If you're in the bathroom, stay there. Doors will be kept locked until further notice."

The intercom cut out.

The class's numerous excited whispers grew into an uproar.

Naruto squeaked.

This was not good! He had a feeling that something was watching him and that this something was probably the reason the doors were locked. He looked over at Sasuke. The aforementioned Uchiha was fast asleep. Naruto decided that it was best to wake him up.

"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto walked over to Sasuke and shook his shoulder, "Wake up!"

Sasuke grumbled, stretched his arms, and peeked out of his elbows at Naruto. He stretched his back and blinked a few times before muttering something to himself. "What is it?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Hmm… I hoped this wouldn't happen this year," Kakashi sighed while scratching his head. He closed his precious book and tapped on his desk with a ruler to get the class to quiet down.

Naruto returned his attention to Sasuke, who was thoroughly unaware of the situation. "We're on lockdown right now!" he whispered energetically.

"So you think there actually _was _someone watching us out there?" Sasuke asked quizzically while fixing his hair.

"Seems like it. I wonder if we're going to be on the news tonight," Naruto said offhandedly.

"Why should you care? You don't have a television," the Uchiha pointed out.

"Well, I'll watch yours!" The blonde smiled.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "We're getting off the subject, here. Say there really is something out there…" Naruto saw Sasuke shudder for a moment, "Shouldn't you be worrying about that?"

"Aww, I've been in lockdowns before," said Naruto confidently, "They're cake. They're usually bogus, so I don't worry."

"Dobe…"

"Alright, listen up!" Kakashi, who was through with bashing a stick on his desk, was now standing on it and shouting. "I want every last one of you sitting on the floor in that corner over there," he pointed to the corner of the classroom where there weren't any windows. "I want you to get over there and stay quiet, understand?"

While Naruto was busy scrambling over to the designated corner, Kakashi poked his head out in the hall, peered in both directions, then shut the door and locked it. The blonde met Sasuke halfway to their destination and immediately disobeyed Kakashi's second rule about silence, which he almost instantly regretted when Kakashi gave him the evil eye.

"This is exciting, isn't it?" Naruto whispered.

"Naruto, what exactly is your idea of 'exciting?'" to Naruto's surprise, Sasuke actually seemed annoyed with him. He was staring down at him with a rather unhappy looking Uchiha glare. "Do you have any idea what it is that we're hiding from?"

Naruto didn't think much about his answer. "No," he replied.

"Idiot…"

"Lighten up, Sasuke! I'm sure this'll be over in, like, thirty seconds!" Naruto blabbed, "It's always a false alarm or somebody's ugly parents were walking through the school and got lost. We'll find out what the problem is when Tsunade cancels this thing."

"Shut up, Naruto," Kakashi warned.

Naruto mouthed a 'sorry' to his teacher before getting comfortable on the floor.

The more Naruto talked, the more his stomach began to wind itself into knots. Something didn't feel right. He recognized the feeling. It was the sensation he always got when he knew something bad was going to happen. He had this feeling right before Gaara tripped over his shoelaces in sixth grade and fell into a mud puddle.

Now _that_ was a crisis.

If he could remember correctly, it was also the feeling he got the night that his father died. It was so long ago, but Naruto could remember bits and pieces like it happened yesterday.

He didn't want to reminisce about that now.

He looked over at Sakura and Ino, who were seated at opposite sides of the heap of students. Both of them were completely silent, along with their friends. Something must've really been wrong for those two to stop bickering.

In the suffocating silence of it all, Naruto could hear the blaring of sirens coming in the school's direction.

Mary, mother of God!

Jesus Christ!

Holy shit!

There really _was _something out there! Naruto curled up against the wall and pulled his legs into his chest. What if something happened? What if someone died? What if there really was a stalker? What if this stalker person wanted to kill someone? What if this someone was Naruto?

What if, what if, what if?

Naruto jumped a little when he felt something touch his hand. He looked over his knees to see what it was.

A larger, paler hand was clasped around his.

Sasuke's.

He glanced over at Sasuke's face. He was staring straight forward, stone still. Naruto smiled a little smile.

Sasuke was just as scared as he was.

Naruto heard a car, presumably a police car, screech into the school's parking lot. He couldn't look out the window, despite his curiosity, for fear that either he'd get shot, or that someone would see him. So he sat there against the wall.

And listened.

There was a lot of yelling, clinking, and the sound of a door being opened and slammed shut. More sirens, more voices, and more slams followed. They were muffled by the outside wall of the building, so Naruto couldn't tell what the policemen were saying to each other, but he knew it was important.

"Kakashi?" a girl's voice whispered.

"Yes, Ino?" Kakashi answered in a low growl.

"Why don't we tie Sakura to a pole and use her as bait to lure whatever this thing is away?" Ino suggested mirthfully. Half of the class tried to hold in their laughter. Sakura stuck out her tongue.

"Very tempting, Ino," Kakashi said with a thoughtful hand to his chin, "but please, for the safety of all the people in this room, shut up."

Naruto saw a slight smile creep across Sasuke's lips.

----

Sasuke would have to thank Ino for that later. Of course, if he did, she'd probably proclaim herself his girlfriend and insist on dragging him everywhere she went. On second thought, that was impossible. Naruto would eat the entire right side of her body raw, then season and grill the left side and polish it off with a glass of root beer.

It was a nice thought.

It made him smile.

Apart from congratulating the pig, he'd also have to apologize to Naruto. His heroine was making him moody and irritable. Naruto must not have known the true meaning of danger. Sasuke, who had lived through hell, knew what danger was and liked to avoid it as much as possible.

Heroine was dangerous. He admitted that much.

But he was addicted to it, almost like the way he was obsessed with his brother. Just _thinking _about him was dangerous, and yet he did it anyway. Devising numerous ways to kill him dead gave Sasuke a sort of fix.

When he was twelve, he once plotted to kill him with a spork. He obsessed over his plan for three days before deciding that it wouldn't work.

It was a year or two ago that he decided that if his brother was indeed, alive, he'd make Itachi's death as symbolic as possible. He kept Itachi's knife hidden away, safe where no one would find it. He kept it in the same place he kept his drugs. He never washed it, he never touched it. When he met his brother, he'd kill him with it just the way he left it years ago. It would be the same bloody knife.

The very same.

Sasuke's thoughts were interrupted as the sound of gunfire erupted outside. Sakura squealed and Ino did the same. Sasuke looked to his side to see Neji's arms wrapped around Gaara, who, from Sasuke's point of view, was grimacing in what looked like deep displeasure. No… that wasn't it. It couldn't have been. His eyes were narrowed and the corners of his lips twitched spasmodically.

Insanity.

That's what it reminded him of.

After a few tense minutes, the noise stopped. Sasuke could only assume that the police's target had escaped and they were now setting off in pursuit of him or her.

The worst of it was over, but they still had to stay put in their little corner. Sasuke assumed that this was just a safety precaution and relaxed slightly. He could breathe now. He squeezed Naruto's hand reassuringly and she smiled back at him.

During the action of smiling at him, she seemed to notice something over Sasuke's shoulder and her expression instantly turned to that of worry. Sasuke turned around once again to see a rather paranoid looking Gaara. His wide eyes darted from left to right not quite in the manner of a rabbit on the alert for a dog, but more a dog hunting a rabbit.

"You guys can talk now I guess," Kakashi said warily, "but only talk when you need to and keep it down."

Sakura and Ino crawled over to one another and started whispering to each other. They both looked unnerved. Naruto instantly let go of Sasuke's hand, got up, and tip-toed over to Gaara. Sasuke was a lot more interested in what she had to say than what Ino and Sakura did, so he decided to listen in on her conversation.

"Hey Gaara? You okay?" Naruto asked worriedly.

"I hate that noise," Gaara muttered as his hands began to shake, "I _hate _that sound."

"Well, it's gone now, right?" Naruto made a sad attempt to cheer the redhead up.

"I _hate _it," Gaara persisted.

Funny, Sasuke thought. One would think that a guy who lived in Suna and bullied other kids all his life would get used to the noise. Hell, until now, Sasuke would've thought that Gaara loved firearms.

Apparently not.

"Why?" Neji asked pointedly.

Gaara looked up at him with his usual blank stare. "Why what?" he asked back.

"Why do you hate the noise so much?" Neji clarified.

"Why?" Gaara's stare transformed into an ugly glare, "That's what death sounds like, and I don't like it."

"I thought you loved death," Naruto commented rudely.

Gaara glared poison at her and Naruto smiled nervously.

Neji backed away and tried to calm Gaara down. "I was just asking. No need to get angry," he reassured.

Sasuke had never thought the redhead could be so emotional about nothing. It was no big deal. Sure, getting nauseous looking down the barrel of a gun or at the sight of blood, he could understand. But a crackling noise? It was a fucking _sound_.

Gaara sighed and closed his eyes as if to clear his mind. When he opened them again, he was as composed as he ever was. "I just hate it. It's a psychological thing. That's all."

----

Good.

Gaara was back to being his good ole' mechanical self. Naruto kind of felt sorry for him. Gaara wasn't someone to jump at the sight of his own shadow, definitely not. However, ever since Naruto could remember, Gaara didn't like the sound of loud, cracking noises. He was just fine with every other type of loud noise. A loud boom was fine, loud music was fine, screeching was fine, but loud pops were horrible.

Originally though, the problem wasn't guns.

It was firecrackers.

Naruto and Gaara had fireworks every Fourth of July. Sure it was illegal, but that's what made it so fun. Naruto, his mom, and occasionally his uncle all went to Gaara's to shoot stuff off of his roof. Naruto's mom always had something against setting fire to anything in the Uzumaki yard. Why she did was still a mystery to him.

So there they would be, at Gaara's, doing illegal stuff. Gaara would stick around for fountains, artillery shells and everything else. For whatever reason, before Naruto went to light off something that exploded with a loud 'pop,' Gaara would climb off the edge of the roof and into his kitchen window. There he would stay for the few seconds it took the gunpowder to spontaneously combust and cease to be, and he would climb back out onto the roof directly after.

Naruto suspected that his fear of firecrackers began before he met him.

Or maybe it was a phobia.

Firecracker-o-phobia.

Yeah.

After a few more minutes, the intercom came to life.

"Okay… lockdown's over," Tsunade sounded relieved, "people in the bathrooms can go back to class, and people in class can finally go to the bathrooms. Rooms should be unlocked at this time." She paused for a moment, "For those of you who are wondering what all the noise was about," Naruto could tell she was trying to remain composed. She was pretty good at it.

"We had an Akatsuki spy prowling around the school."

Naruto gulped.

That's what he felt.

Death.

He could've been killed at lunch.

It was at that moment in time that he felt like the luckiest and unluckiest person on the face of the Earth. Lucky because he didn't get killed. Unlucky because… well… he hadn't quite figured it out yet, but he had a bad feeling about this Akatsuki business.

"No cause for alarm though. Nobody got shot, and no one's hurt. Have a nice, safe day." The intercom died.

Naruto heard Sasuke groan.

Poor Sasuke. This was probably the last thing he needed. He seemed stressed out enough as it was. Now he had criminals stalking around the school.

Of course, they had to be stalking him. He was important. It was _him_ that spy person was watching. After all, what could innocent little Naruto have to do with this?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

"Hey, Sasuke?" Naruto nudged the Uchiha in the side. Sasuke only gave him a very tired looking glare before hunching back over and looking generally defeated. Naruto frowned. Sasuke worried him. He was always tired after lunch, but today he looked utterly exhausted.

The whole 'Akatsuki spy' situation must've been the straw that broke Sasuke's back. He was hanging by a thread as it was. Naruto needed to find out what was making him this way and why.

Maybe he wasn't sick at all.

Maybe he was just tired of life.

Naruto hoped that wasn't the case. Those people killed themselves.

"Sasuke? Are you okay?" Naruto prodded him in the side. Sasuke didn't respond. The Uzumaki frowned and crossed his arms. "Sasuke!" he yelled, successfully making himself the center of attention, "If you don't get up off the floor, so help me I will_ spork _your eyes out!"

Sasuke didn't move.

"I'll… ruin your shirt?"

Still, no movement.

"I'll screw up your hair."

Sasuke turned around and gave Naruto a blank stare before literally tripping up and wandering over to his desk. The blonde smiled in triumph. Now he knew how to manipulate Sasuke.

Oh the thrills he would have.

Naruto skipped over to the desk beside Sasuke and fell gracefully into his chair.

After health class, Gaara and Neji had to help him drag the other boy all the way to English class. At least that's what it felt like. He wasn't walking as fast as Naruto would've liked.

Once in class, he waved good-bye to his friends and dragged Sasuke into his desk.

The blonde liked to complain about having to pull Sasuke around, but in reality, he marveled at how incredibly light he was. Sasuke had to be, like, anorexic or something. Maybe that was his problem.

The wrist things made no sense though. He constantly wore them. He even wore them with a long-sleeved shirt on.

Naruto, being the naïve, curious little fox he was, decided that Sasuke wouldn't mind if he tried to pull one off. He checked to see if Sasuke was still conscious. Well, if he was, he definitely wasn't showing any signs of it.

Naruto gently pinched a piece of the cloth between his fingers and pulled. Sasuke then snapped to life and twisted Naruto's arm around. Naruto screeched in pain and nursed his wounded arm once he wrenched it free of Sasuke's steel grip.

"That hurt!" Naruto whined.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "What were you doing?" He asked in a fatigued voice. He sat up in his chair. "You weren't doing what I think you were doing, were you?"

"I was just curious!" Naruto justified.

Sasuke then wordlessly pulled his arm-warmer back up his wrist, examined both arms, then tucked them under his head and closed his eyes again. Naruto blinked. Was it just him, or did he make the Uchiha nervous? He had a strange sort of surprised and alarmed look in his eyes and Naruto could feel his pulse when he was holding Naruto's arm captive. Naruto swore his heart was beating a few million times a minute.

He looked for a way to put the Uchiha's mind at ease. He seemed just fine before Tsunade announced the reason for the lockdown. That was it.

Yes.

He was worrying too much and stressing himself out. Perhaps he was worried about what might happen to him after school. Maybe he didn't want to go home because they were after him. Naruto decided that he'd have to invite Sasuke to his house again.

English class went on without incident. Iruka seemed more jumpy than usual, but that was probably because of the school's earlier scare.

Once the bell rang, class ended. Everyone was in a hurry to get out of the building as soon as possible. Naruto picked up his books and went over to Sasuke, who was still sitting in his desk looking exhausted.

"Hey Sasuke?" Naruto whispered.

"What now?" Sasuke groaned back with his head still buried in his arms.

"Do you want to go to my house after school? I mean, because of the whole deal with-"

"No!" Sasuke was now sitting up straight and staring right into Naruto's eyes. He had that strange 'surprise and alarm' thing going on again. It made Naruto curious.

"Why not?" Naruto asked as innocently as he could muster.

Sasuke sighed exasperatedly and slumped in his chair. "If anything, you're coming to my house. I've just got this feeling, Naruto. You understand that, don't you?" He sighed again and ran a hand through his messy hair. "No, I think it would be better if you went home with one of your friends or something," Sasuke seemed to be talking more to himself than to Naruto now, "Yes, go over to Neji's or Gaara's or something. Just don't hang around with me." He seemed in a hurry to leave. He stumbled out of his chair, grabbed his stuff and headed for the door.

"Sasuke! Wait!" Naruto bounded for the door and followed the speed-walking Sasuke out into the hall. "Sasuke, you're acting really weird. Tell me what's going on. Pleeeaaaase?" Naruto begged once he caught up.

"Just… go find Gaara or something," Sasuke said distractedly. "And whatever you do, don't talk to anyone."

Naruto didn't like this one bit. He was determined to follow Sasuke home whether he liked it or not. He didn't want Sasuke to do anything funny. He was agitated, that much was plain to see, and agitated people did strange things.

Sasuke headed out the front door of the school and Naruto followed. As soon as they went through the first set of glass doors, Sasuke whirled around and gripped a surprised Naruto around the shoulders. "Listen to me!" he yelled as he shook the frightened blonde. "Just go and follow someone, who isn't me, home. Okay?"

"You listen to me!" Naruto tried to sound as strong as he could around the lump in his throat and through the mist in his eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with you and it scares me! We're supposed to tell each other this stuff, remember?"

By this time, Naruto was well aware that there were people staring at them.

Sasuke sighed again, paying no mind to the attention, and let go of Naruto's shoulders. "I just want to be by myself for a while," Sasuke explained tiredly, "And I don't want you to get hurt, so go home with someone strong like Gaara, okay? Since I met you, you've stressed that you live all alone for the majority of your day, and I really don't want you to be alone today, understand?"

Naruto felt horrible. He guiltily looked down at his feet. "'Kay…" he said in a small voice.

He didn't even look up when Sasuke walked away. He didn't dare move until a full minute after his footsteps disappeared.

Naruto just couldn't figure it out. The day started out like a warm, fuzzy, blue shirt. God then put that shirt into the wash with a cup of bleach, the wrong temperature of water, no fabric softener, and a shitload of the wrong kind of detergent. After he finished washing it, he then put it into the dryer, which broke halfway through, leaving God with a shrunken, soggy, white, frizzy thing.

But God wasn't done.

He had to iron it for two hours. Then the telephone had to ring and he had to leave the iron on the shirt, plugged in and running. It was Jesus calling from Alaska and desperately needing directions to get to Bangladesh. God had to spend the entire afternoon explaining things to his son while the iron burnt a hole through the shirt and into the floor, starting his basement on fire. That fire spread and enveloped the shirt, causing it to ignite and burn to a crisp.

Meanwhile, God finally noticed that there was black smoke coming from his basement. He called the fire department and they doused it, successfully soaking and dispersing the ashes of the bleached, shrunken, and fried shirt.

The shirt was no more.

Naruto was no more.

He had been completely emotionally drained. Like a zombie.

He walked like one too.

He had no intention of disobeying Sasuke for fear that he would find out somehow that he'd gone to his house, and not someone else's, after school. He was thoroughly weirded out by Sasuke's earlier display of discomfort. It made him wonder what went on in Sasuke's head. Why was he so worried about Naruto?

Maybe it was because he was Sasuke's 'girlfriend,' and he didn't want anything bad to happen to him. That seemed plausible, but Naruto had a feeling that it could've been something deeper. Did he know something that he had no intention of telling to anyone?

Of course he did.

He was Sasuke.

Tall, dark, and frustratingly stubborn. Damn quiet too.

As Naruto wandered the halls, he came to the conclusion that Gaara and Neji were both gone, doing whatever they were keen on doing after school. He could only imagine.

His eye twitched.

No.

They were just out having fun…

_Great _fun.

Damn Jiraiya! Screwing up his mind…

Anyway, it was apparent to him that he'd have to find another way out of school. Iruka was probably still in his class, fixing his books out of pure OCD-ness. He made his way over to his favorite teacher's room.

He was about to barge in when he remembered that Iruka had a dysfunctional love affair going on. He didn't want to walk in while he and Kakashi were… erm… busy.

Once again, he damned his uncle.

Knocking on the door, Naruto announced that he was coming in. He held his breath in anticipation, but as he opened the door, there was Iruka at his desk filing papers in his usual persnickety way.

No Kakashi in sight.

Naruto rolled his eyes.

Iruka raised his head a little and looked around. He met Naruto's eyes and immediately resumed his previous activities. "Hello, Naruto," Iruka said with a shaky voice.

"Hey," Naruto replied good-naturedly. "You seem uptight about something," he continued, noting the apparent timidity in his teacher's speech. Iruka smiled and chuckled nervously. "A lot's happened today," he muttered.

"Yeah, I know," Naruto sympathized. "Hey, Iruka?" Naruto began hesitantly, "Could I go to your house today?"

Iruka temporarily stopped shuffling papers around. "Yeah, I guess," he then hugged his file-folders to his chest and turned to Naruto with a suspicious frown on his face, "Why?"

"Well, after that Akatsuki deal, I don't want to walk to my house," Naruto half-lied. Iruka obviously detected this and assumed a look of deep suspicion. "What's the real reason?"

"You don't trust me? I'm hurt!" Naruto dramatically clasped a hand over his heart, "Oh Iruka, you wound me!" He then went on to fall over a desk and writhe in pseudo-agony.

"I see I taught you something at camp," Iruka grumbled before continuing to put papers away in his drawer.

"Yup!" Naruto recovered in a tenth of a second.

"Seriously though," the busy Iruka inquired, "what's the real reason you want to go to my house when you normally walk to yours?"

Naruto took a deep breath, "Sasuke was acting kinda' strange after we got out of English class. He said something about 'don't go home to your house,' and 'I don't like it when you're all alone,' and 'don't talk to strangers… blah, blah, blah, blah.' Scares me, y' know?" He sat down backward in a desk and rested his head on the top of the seat. He sighed, "He really creeps me out sometimes. He was really tired today too."

Iruka once again paused, then resumed shuffling around. "You know about his brother, right?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah," Naruto answered, "A little."

"Did Sasuke ever tell you that his brother was obsessed with the Akatsuki?"

"No," Naruto blinked at the revelation. He frowned in disbelief. "He didn't tell me! Why didn't he…?"

Iruka coughed, "Well, Kakashi told me this, so I don't know if it's true. Actually I think I can trust him. Yeah, maybe…"

"Oh, stop it," Naruto scolded impatiently. "Get to the point."

"Well, after the whole murder thing was broadcasted on the news, people thought Itachi killed himself. They thought that in his insanity, he might have thrown himself into a river or off a building or something. Yeah, well, no one ever did end up finding his body. Apparently there's a rumor going around that he's still alive and kicking. Very much so. An active member of the Akatsuki even."

"Yeah, I guess," Naruto said thoughtfully. He frowned, "Y'know, my mom and I don't have a TV, so we don't know much about these Akatsuki guys. Who are they exactly?"

"Well, they're a bunch of people," Iruka paused, "actually not a bunch… there's only, like, seven or eight of them as a matter of fact. Anyway, they go around doing nasty stuff. Setting fire to things, threatening people, vandalizing government property. They're also superb bank robbers I hear. They normally go after physically or financially strong individuals or groups. Each member specializes in something different and acts in a different way. I hear one of them holds grudges… but anyhow, that's who they are."

Naruto was listening intently.

Iruka seemed to see how entranced Naruto was and immediately looked for something else to say. "Umm, Oh yes, and apparently, there was a betrayal among them a few years ago, or at least that's what the TV said."

"A what?" Naruto tilted his head.

"Well, according to the news… umm, I can't really remember. It was almost… was it seven or eight years ago? Well anyway, I remember that the police found two bodies one night when they responded to a shooting. One of them was a red-haired guy in his early twenties. A few days later he was identified as Sasori, better known as the Scorpion of the Red Sand, and an Akatsuki assassin. People were chattering about it for a long time, because there was evidence that the shooting was planned by the Akatsuki. One of the more popular theories was that another assassin from the same organization betrayed him and shot him."

"Wow. No honor among thieves, huh?" Naruto commented.

"I guess not," Iruka agreed. He then glanced up at the clock. "I guess we'd better get going. You want to call your mom?"

"Naw. I'll call her from your house, mmkay?" Naruto said, picking up his backpack and heading for the door. Iruka closed his drawer full of paper, picked up a few things and followed Naruto out. Naruto watched him sort through his keys before locking the door with a satisfying clink.

Iruka's minivan was parked in its usual spot outside the school. Iruka always parked it there. Maybe he really was obsessive-compulsive.

Once in the drab little car, Iruka started it up and the old thing meandered away. Naruto was content with rolling the windows up and down. Iruka didn't seem to care. No one ever sat back there anyway. The only one who ever touched the window switch was Naruto.

Iruka parked the car in his driveway, shutting off the car and the music he was humming to. Naruto hopped out the rolled down window and happily followed Iruka to his door. Iruka fooled around with his keys some more before plunging one into the lock and turning it. The door opened and Naruto bounded inside, leaping into the air and falling onto a cool, fluffy green couch.

Naruto loved Iruka's house.

It had air conditioning.

Glorious air conditioning!

If Naruto could ever find the thing that created all that cool air, he'd hug it.

"Here's the phone," Iruka tossed Naruto an off-white telephone, "Now call your mom. I don't want her to get worried about you."

"She doesn't worry about me," Naruto chuckled as he picked the phone off of a nearby cushion. He dialed his number and waited for his mom to pick up. Instead of his mom, their automated answering machine picked up. Kyuubi never bought an answering machine that would actually play something she recorded. She always complained that they costed too much.

Excuses.

Halfway through the message, his mom's voice mysteriously blared out an angry-sounding, "Hello?"

"Hi mom!" Naruto smiled into the phone, "It's me!"

"Me who?" she sounded vaguely suspicious.

"Your," stage-cough, "daughter."

"Naruto!" She squeaked happily, "Where are you? I've been worried sick about you!"

Naruto knitted his eyebrows together, "Why?"

"Well, I was at your uncle's house, the TV was on, and the four-o-clock news came on and they said there was something about Konoha being threatened by the Akatsuki earlier."

"Yeah."

"What happened? Is everything okay? Is Sasuke okay?"

"Yes, mom. Nothing happened." Naruto attempted to change the subject, "So, Mom? Do you really work at a cathouse?"

Kyuubi sighed, "Oh, I'm so glad…Wait, what?"

"Do you work at a cathouse?" Naruto repeated.

"Cathouse?" Kyuubi sounded bewildered, "Why would I want to work at an animal shelter?"

"A _whore_house, mom!"

"NARUTO!"

"Well, do you?"

"It's not a whorehouse! It's a gentleman's club."

"Stop trying to make yourself look better. Polishing a lump of coal doesn't turn it into a diamond, you know."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kyuubi growled indignantly.

"You still do… weird stuff. It's the same thing. If you shine up a lump of coal, it's still a lump of coal!"

"Whatever. I quit that job a long time ago anyway."

Naruto was puzzled. What did she do now then? He decided to ask her.

"Well, I-"

"Never mind!" Naruto shouted abruptly, "I don't want to know."

His mom switched the subject back to school. "So nothing bad happened today?"

Naruto decided not to mention that he felt like he was being monitored at lunch. "It was fine. The police chased him off."

"Well, okay. Where are you, by the way?"

"I'm at Iruka's."

"I'll be there to pick you up in an hour, okay?"

"Okay mom. Bye!" Naruto was about to hang up the phone when he heard his mom's voice again. "Naruto? Are you still there?"

He held the phone up to his ear again. "Yes mom?"

"I just wanted to tell you that Sasuke called earlier. He sounded kind of strange. He wanted you to call him back when you got the chance. Mmkay?"

Naruto quirked an eyebrow. Sasuke wanted to talk to him? About crazy stuff? Maybe. He'd have to call him and find out. "I'll do that," he replied, "Bye mom."

"Bye sweetie."

Click.

Naruto turned the phone off temporarily. He pressed the button to turn it on again so he could call Sasuke.

And then his stomach growled.

He blinked. All that talking and worrying about the dark-haired Uchiha boy really worked up an appetite. He smiled a sly, foxy smile. If there was ramen anywhere in this house, he would be able to smell it. Naruto stuck his nose in the air and sniffed. He smelled something detergenty… something soapy, something fruity, and…

Something that smelled an awful lot like ramen.

Bingo.

Naruto's smile broadened.

Iruka's cabinets were no longer safe.

He slithered into the kitchen, melting into the woodwork like a shadow. He crept underneath the table, hiding behind every leg of every dining chair. He flew like a flash over to the dark shadow between the fridge and the stove.

There he waited.

The smell of ramen was wafting out of the cupboard right in front of him. He crawled closer, crouching down to pounce on his prey. He shuffled his paws and then he leapt into the air like a savage beast. The cupboard shrank back in fear, but it had nowhere to run. Naruto was almost upon the doomed piece of furniture when…

He got knocked right out of the air by a soccer ball.

"Aaaaaahhh…" Naruto groaned, massaging his head in pain, "That hurt, you bastard!"

Iruka only smiled. "You know I'll feed you if you just ask me nicely, right?"

Naruto flashed his nonexistent claws comically. "Hungry, vicious beasts don't ask their food to come and lie down and die for them, do they?" he hissed.

"And I bet they don't get ramen either," Iruka added.

"You have a point," Naruto consented before begging Iruka for a bowl of ramen. All it took was a little sparkling of his big, blue eyes before Iruka gave in and cooked him a bowl of noodles.

Which, by the way, was devoured by Naruto in twenty six seconds.

He timed himself.

Iruka was content with making him another bowl. While that was going on, Naruto wandered back into the living room and picked up the phone.

----

Sasuke anxiously paced back and forth across his until recently white rug.

He had to apologize to Naruto soon or he wouldn't be able to sleep for a month. He felt terrible for blowing up in her face after school and if she didn't get home and call him back soon, he didn't know what he'd do.

He'd pace around and feel terrible.

Stupid Itachi voice…

Forget about apologizing to her. Her mom said that she didn't know where she was, and that meant that she hadn't called her, and that meant that she might not be able to call her, and that meant she could be dead! And it would probably be his fault because he was too absorbed in his own problems to watch out for her.

Coward…

Sasuke surprised himself. He never let himself worry this much before. He wasn't sure he'd worried this much in his entire life! Sasuke wasn't a worrying kind of person, he just… had a lot to worry about at the moment!

Sasuke's anxiety was getting the best of him.

He had to explain things to Naruto. His attitude earlier was caused by a mix of especially painful heroine withdrawal and the maniacal euphoria of knowing that death was watching them from the bushes around the ramen stand for a full_ fifteen minutes_.

Sasuke was going insane.

He was _finally _going insane.

When the telephone rang, it scared him half to death and he debated answering it before remembering that it could've been Naruto on the other line. In his rush, he didn't bother to look at his caller ID.

"Hello?" he answered rigidly, hoping that he'd hear Naruto's gloriously annoying voice.

"Umm… hi, Sasuke."

There it was!

He felt better already.

"My mom said you wanted to talk to me?" she sounded kind of skittish. Sasuke blamed himself for that.

"Yes, I called earlier to apologize to you about today. I… haven't been myself lately," Sasuke sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"It's okay," Sasuke could hear the sheepish smile in her voice, "I kinda' yelled at you today too."

Sasuke felt relieved. This was going better than he thought.

"I just wish you would tell me what's wrong with you sometimes," Naruto explained. Sasuke supposed he agreed. He didn't like to be kept in the dark about his brother.

He wanted to tell her, but he couldn't.

Tsunade already chewed his ass out every time she saw him. He didn't need Naruto to follow suit.

Plus, a thing like that could completely ruin what they both had. Not to mention, she'd probably tell the world with that very large mouth of hers.

"I just… don't think you can handle some of my secrets," Sasuke remarked guiltily. He felt sort of funny after he told her that.

You just told her you had secrets.

That's why.

Dumbass.

"Really? Try me," Naruto challenged cleverly.

Sasuke blinked. She said nothing about lack of trust or anything of the sort. Rare. "Trust me. It's not something I like to talk about," he assured her.

"Yeah, well, I bet you couldn't handle any of mine either," she laughed nervously.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow. She didn't sound normal…

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"You sound funny," he declared.

"I'm eating ramen, Sasuke-_Teme_!" she replied, drawing out the vowels in Sasuke's little nickname. The Uchiha smiled, "Do you ever eat anything else?"

"I eat crackers! And I eat cotton candy, and cinnamon cookies, and flavor-blasted goldfish, and gummy bears, and chocolate ice cream too."

"Yum," Sasuke commented dryly. "Remind me, how is it that you stay alive?"

"Says the man who eats nothing but week-old Chinese food," she retorted craftily. "All that MSG is bad for you. Some people are allergic to it." She paused in what Sasuke thought was an 'Ah-hah!' moment. "Sasuke?" she asked apprehensively, "Are you by any chance allergic to MSG?"

----

Chibi Naruto: And the plot thickens!

Chibi Gaara: Yes. Swirly's mind works in mysterious ways. So much stuff in this chapter… Her brain thinks too fast. She's having trouble typing it all up.

Me: So many thoughts… So… little… gah! –diez-

Chibi Naruto: Oh noz!

Chibi Neji: Ohemgeez!

Chibi Gaara: Why are all these 'z's after our sentencez? Wait a sec… -spits out a bumble bee- I found the problem!

Everyone except Sasuke: Hooray!

Me: HOMG! Crack! Yay!

Chibi Gaara: Yes… well… as Swirl-chan wallows in her euphoric fangirly joy…

Chibi Sasuke: Review… or whatever.

Chibi Naruto: You're so emo, Sasuke. –sparkles- I love it! –glomps-

Me: Yay! I finished another chapter and I didn't type my fingers off! I feel like I've put an excessive amount of stuff in this chapter… but I hope that's not too bad.

Chibi Gaara: -reads- I'm afraid of firecrackers? What the fuck?

Me: Yup. Loud noises make Gaara sad. Sad Gaara.

Chibi Naruto: -throws a pop-it at Gaara-

Chibi Gaara: EEEEEEEEEE! –hides behind Neji.-

Me: I can't make you invincible. Besides, every hero has his tragic flaw. Yours just happens to be a loud, annoying popping noise.

Chibi Gaara: But why?

Me: I dunno. It's a psychological thing. You have a traaaaaagic paaaaaassst… remember?

Chibi Gaara: No.

Me: Amnesia?

Chibi Gaara: …Sure. That sounds good. We'll go with that.

Chibi Naruto: Review, wonderful, beautiful, ethereal reviewers!

Chibi Gaara: Yes! Review for virtual food.

Chibi Neji: -sparkles- Virtually useless and virtually fat free!

Chibi Naruto: -grabs box of cookies- Zero calories? No way!

Chibi Gaara: What's more to want? Review, review, review!


	14. 14: Fouroclock

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer:** I still have to write these things? Bullshit!

Chibi Naruto: Yaaaaawwwwnnnn…

Chibi Sasuke: Whatev.

Ferret: -destroys furniture-

Chibi Sakura: -repeatedly tries and fails to whack the ferret on the head with a heavy, blunt object-

Me: Well, another day in the fanfic world.

Chibi Gaara: Yes… well… if she comes after me, I'm eating that ferret, I'll have you know.

Me: Nuu! Dizzy! –hides ferret-

Chibi Gaara: Damn! There goes my breakfast… -mutters-

Chibi Naruto: Anyway, Swirly thanks you, once again, for taking time out of your busy social lives to review the product of her deranged mind.

Me: Yes! I love every last one of you! –snuggles-

Chibi Gaara: Yes. Thanks for everything! And sorry for the previous waits. Swirl-chan is a procrastinating couch potato. And, yes, SkitSkat-sama, you can have a cookie. –feeds a cookie-

Me: Because I love you all so much, even those of you who read my fic and don't review, (I love you all too :D)… Another chapter is born!

Chibi Gaara: Yup! Another chapter. Swirly still can't believe that she's doing this well… especially since she makes you all wait so long! She thanks you nonetheless, for remaining loyal to her and this abomination we like to call a fanfiction.

Me: And about the heroin/heroine thing… I really wanted to post this fic, 'cause I was really excited, but I'm also a stickler about spelling. I looked it up on the internet, and it was spelled both ways. I asked a friend, and she said there was an 'E.' I asked another and she said there wasn't one. I looked in the health book and it was spelled both ways in the same sentence. So then, I looked on an online dictionary without an 'E.' It said something along the lines of 'it's a narcotic,' so I said 'whee!' and looked it up with an 'E.' It said the same thing. I looked in two written dictionaries and was further confused. I finally decided, 'what the hell, I want to post it, so I will.' And I posted it with an extra vowel. I like vowels. So there.

Chibi Gaara: O.O oookaaayyy… Down, Swirly.

Me: Yes. Ahem… So without further ado…

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 14**

"_Big brother?" the fear in Sasuke's tiny voice was accentuated by a clap of thunder._

_Itachi was sitting at his desk, reading something. Sasuke always saw his older brother with some sort of book in one hand. Maybe he was doing his homework. He seemed to enjoy doing homework on gloomy nights like this one._

_He turned around in his swivel-chair, glancing over his shoulder at Sasuke. "What are you doing up at two in the morning?" he inquired flatly._

_Sasuke snuggled further into the pillow he was holding, "I can't sleep."_

"_Are you scared?" Itachi asked while turning back around and continuing his relentless reading._

_Sasuke nodded into his pillow, "Mm-hmm," he murmured._

_Itachi wordlessly motioned for him to come in. Sasuke did so, opting to climb up onto his brother's bed and sit there with his legs crossed. He hugged his pillow to his chest when he saw another flash just outside his brother's window. A deep rumble followed, just as he suspected._

"_What are you afraid of?" Itachi asked suddenly, not taking his eyes off of his book._

"_Thunder," Sasuke replied sheepishly. He was afraid that his brother would rebuke him for fearing something that wasn't important._

_Itachi looked back at him. Sasuke was relieved when he saw the softness in his brother's eyes. "Why are you afraid of thunder?" he asked._

_Sasuke scowled and crossed his arms. "Because it's loud," he grumbled, casting a wary glance at the window. Itachi smiled at this. It was a small smile, but Itachi never was one to grin from ear to ear. He turned back to his book without a word._

_Sasuke was left to his own devices. He fell back on his brother's bed with a muffled thud. He gazed at the ceiling, noting the pitter-patter of heavy rainfall smashing into the roof just above it. He liked the sound. _

_For reasons Sasuke couldn't name, he loved rainy days, and rainy nights for that matter. He liked to stay inside and watch movies during the day, and at night he'd walk into his brother's room. He'd always be sitting somewhere, at his desk or on his bed, reading a book. _

_When he couldn't sleep, he always sought the comfort of Itachi. There was something about him that made Sasuke want to talk to him. Maybe he liked him because there wasn't anything he didn't know._

_There was a bright flash from the window, and immediately following was a house-shaking crash of thunder. Sasuke jumped, burrowing under Itachi's blankets to shield himself from the offending noise._

_He could hear Itachi smirk. "Sasuke," his brother droned, "you can come out now."_

_Sasuke peeked out from under the blankets and indignantly stuck his tongue out at him. Stupid Itachi was making fun of him… "Don't laugh," Sasuke barked irately. Itachi sighed a quiet "hn," before turning another page of his book._

_Sasuke sat up and grabbed his pillow possessively before dragging it under the covers with him._

"_You know, Sasuke, you shouldn't be afraid of thunder," Itachi reasoned after a few minutes, "It's the lightning you should be scared of."_

_Sasuke poked his head out again, asking, "Why?"_

"_Lightning is what hurts people. Thunder is just the sound it makes."_

_Sasuke frowned, "How come no one at school's afraid of lightning then?"_

_Itachi shrugged his shoulders, "They just don't think much of it."_

"_Oh," Sasuke twiddled his thumbs distractedly. Another thunderclap resonated through the room. He tried his best not to look scared._

_Sasuke became suddenly interested in whatever it was that Itachi was reading. He debated whether or not to ask. "Umm, Itachi?" Sasuke whispered after a minute or two of indecision._

_Itachi looked back with his intelligent eyes. "Hm?" he responded._

"_What's that?" he pointed a finger at the book his brother seemed to be so fascinated by. Itachi held out the pastel yellow thing. "This?" he clarified._

_Sasuke nodded._

_He looked almost fondly at the piece of bound paper. "To Kill a Mockingbird."_

"_Oh…" Sasuke was puzzled. Why would his big brother want to read a book about birds? What was a mockingbird anyway? "So," He was twiddling his thumbs again, "Did you get to the part where they shoot it?"_

_Itachi looked up from his book with a mix of amusement and disbelief. "Shoot it?" he almost laughed._

_Almost._

"_Yeah," Sasuke stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "that bird."_

"_No, Sasuke," Itachi reasoned, "That's not what it's about. It's a story about people, not birds."_

_Sasuke wrinkled his nose, "Well why's it called that then?"_

_Itachi rose out of his seat and started clearing his desktop off. "Do you know what a mockingbird is, Sasuke?" he asked as he filed the book away in a drawer._

"_No," Sasuke replied, sitting criss-cross on the bed again with his precious pillow clasped in his arms._

"_It's a bird that sings in the bushes and minds its own business. It's an innocent, harmless thing. Because of this, people say it's a sin to kill one."_

"_Yeah…so?" the puzzled Sasuke muttered into his pillow._

_Itachi closed his drawers and made his way toward his younger brother. "There's a man in this book who works hard and keeps to himself, just as a mockingbird does," Sasuke felt the bed dip down as Itachi sat next to him. "In no time, he finds himself wrongly accused of something he didn't do. The townsfolk are determined to lock him up merely because of the color of his skin, and not the size of his heart. Because he is the way he is, he has no chance of being saved, yet a man dares to defend him, and he uncovers enough evidence to prove him innocent."_

_Sasuke flashed a wide smile at his older brother, "So that means he gets set free, right?"_

_Itachi's face darkened as he reached down and mussed up Sasuke's hair. "No," he continued bleakly, "Back when this book took place, it was unprecedented for a man of his color to be pardoned. He is put in jail, regardless of his innocence, and is killed there."_

_Sasuke frowned and lowered his head in a dejected way. Weren't stories supposed to have happy endings? Maybe the ones Itachi read were different. "That's not fair," he whispered._

_Itachi patted Sasuke's head. "Life isn't fair," he stated softly._

_Sasuke stole a glance at his brother's face. A dark look had come over him. It was as if the telling of that story exhausted him somehow. There were circles beneath his empty eyes and his lips were turned down in a slight grimace. It made Sasuke sad to think that his brother was sad, so he inched closer to Itachi and threw his arms around him._

_He stiffened up for a second, as if he weren't expecting the onslaught of affection, then relaxed and wrapped a rigid arm around his younger brother. Sasuke smiled into his brother's shirt. It felt good when Itachi was happy._

"_Nii-san?" he sniffled as he looked up into Itachi's eyes._

"_Yes?" he answered mechanically._

"_Would you ever kill a mockingbird?" Sasuke asked as innocently as he could._

_Itachi gazed into Sasuke's eyes with an unexpected look of deep understanding. His brows turned upward and a hint of a smile graced his lips._

_Sasuke snuggled into his brother's side as the arm wrapped around him held him tighter. "No, Sasuke," Itachi's quiet voice soothed, "I never would."_

----

Sasuke woke up feeling cold, heavy, and fuzzy. He blinked his eyes wearily, massaging his temples and groaning with the unexpected agony of that movement. He dug his nails into his hair.

He felt horrible.

Taking a look around him, Sasuke was met with a familiar sight. A nondescript liquor bottle was sitting on his dresser and a hypodermic needle was lurking threateningly on his nightstand. He cast a wary, accusing glance at the needle before deciding that he'd better put the offending object back where it belonged. He reached a heavy arm out… and then dropped it with a thump.

He couldn't reach it.

…

He'd put it away later.

He propped himself up on one elbow, yawned, and stretched his free arm before promptly falling flat on his back again. He felt so unbelievably tired. He hated waking up at dark-thirty at night because of the damned white powder in that needle he couldn't bring himself to reach. He hoped that because of the alcohol in his system, he stayed asleep longer than normal.

It was only when a bright light illuminated half of Sasuke's room that his mind registered what was going on outside. He twisted around to face the window. Streams of rain gushed down the glass, smudging his view of the lights on in the building across the street.

A loud boom erupted through the apartment.

"A thunderstorm," Sasuke smiled, "How convenient."

With that revelation, he slowly began to wake up. He shivered, noticing with displeasure that his shirt was nowhere to be found. Odd, he thought, because he didn't remember taking it off.

Ah, yes.

Sasuke recalled that, prior to falling asleep, he got unusually hot. Therefore, he opted to peel it off of his back and throw it across the room. He squinted in the dark, searching for the discarded article of clothing. He found it just where he left it: on the floor near his closet.

He didn't bother picking it up off the floor. He was still too damn tired to function correctly. He glanced back at the hellish, seemingly harmless needle, wanting it to somehow put itself away. When it did not, Sasuke sighed and rolled over, pulling his blankets closer to his cold body and allowing his mind to drift.

He recalled his recent dream and sighed. He was dreaming about his past again. He supposed that his anxiety from the lockdown somehow contributed to that. Considering his situation and his stress, Sasuke was surprised that the memory he unknowingly dug up while he was asleep was a relatively good one. He remembered walking into Itachi's room that night, quite vividly actually. If he remembered correctly, it was more than a year before he went mad.

He wasn't always crazy. He was just… smart. Almost omnipotently so. There wasn't anything Itachi didn't know. Back then, if Sasuke wanted to know how many times a hummingbird's wings beat per minute, Itachi would've told him.

And he would have been right.

Sasuke had no idea how smart Itachi really was, and neither did anyone else for that matter.

Itachi scared his parents.

Sasuke remembered that his mom would walk over to his big brother's door, which was always closed, and wait there. Almost hesitantly, she'd knock and ask him how he was. Sasuke was never sure what the answer was, or if there even was one. She tried her best to look pleased, but Sasuke never saw his mom walking away looking anything but nervous.

Each night after Itachi came home from his social worker's office, his mom would call his dad, reporting what the social worker had to say. Judging by the worried tone of her voice, Sasuke knew it wasn't good.

As the months progressed, Sasuke's mom became stranger and stranger. When he was young, Sasuke was brimming with questions. He always went to Itachi for the answers. Whenever he'd ask Itachi something, his mom was always watching with a wary, suspicious look in her eyes. One day when Itachi was away, she came up to Sasuke and asked him why he never came to her when he had a question on his mind. He just blinked up at her with confused eyes and replied that Itachi was smart. She looked back at him with love in her sparkling, dark eyes and said nothing. Instead, she embraced him in what he thought to be the fiercest hug he'd ever gotten.

She continued calling his father about Itachi's 'condition,' but fiercer and more frequently than before. Sasuke remembered one such call. He was sneaking a cookie from the kitchen back into his room when he heard his mom's worried, frantic voice in the living room.

"_I took Itachi to see that social worker again today," she hissed into the phone._

"_She says she's never seen a child with a mind like his._

"_She told me that he was disturbingly smart… She said that whenever she asked him something of interest to him, he'd answer in three words or less. He'd dance around her questions, asking them back to her. The only good conversations she ever has with him are debates, which she tells me that he always wins. She says that he always asks why he's there. She tells the truth and says we sent him… then he asks why… she says we think he needs help… then he replies that he's his own help and he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself."_

_Her voice darkened, "But he won't say anything to me."_

_She became hysterical, "He spends hours and hours in his room all alone! After he gets home from school, he shuts himself in his room and won't even come out for dinner! And he… Don't 'Oh, Mikoto,' me! You're never here! Even when you are, you don't talk to him! You don't say a word to Sasuke either. He's convinced that you hate him, you know! You're always talking so highly of Itachi, even though it's him that you insist on sending to get psychiatric help! You never say anything to Sasuke! Ever!"_

He remembered shrinking back into the kitchen at the mention of his name.

"_You don't know anything. You're always on business! If you knew what it was like… worrying about Itachi and Sasuke… Have you even been in Itachi's room lately?" She switched the topic back to his brother, "I have. I go in there when he's at school and do you know what I see?_

"_Paper._

"_Paper everywhere! Everything is covered in pictures, notes, symbols… I think he's written it all in code in case I got into his room. You see? He's even invented his own code! I've flipped through his notebooks. He buys them on a daily basis, as if he has so many ideas and not enough paper to contain them! I've seen equations, quotes, tables, graphs… I think he even used one of the larger ones to write a book!" she took a much needed breath, "Books! There are hundreds of them in his room! They're all stacked up in such an orderly manner that it scares me! The library has at least twenty checked out in his name at this very second! Fugaku… He's even given up his violin!"_

_She stopped blubbering to Sasuke's father, so he could only assume that he had something to say in return._

"_No," she started up again, "I'm not blaming you, but I know that you, constantly telling him that he's 'the future of your business,' are pushing him! I know you are!"_

_She got quiet again. "The social worker tells me that sometimes, when he's talking, he'll get so frustrated… recently, he's stopped talking to her altogether."_

_She stayed silent for a long time._

"_You know what?" she choked bitterly to her husband on the other end of the phone, "Your son is driving himself mad, Fugaku._

"_Driving himself mad!"_

That was about a year before he silenced her for good.

Sasuke frowned. He wanted to resent his brother. After all, he went psycho and killed his entire family without a second thought. He felt confused that night when he held Itachi's knife between his fingers. He was betrayed. He was betrayed by his own brother.

The one who let him sneak into his room when he couldn't sleep.

The one who answered all life's questions for him.

He remembered the weeks after that call was made. Sasuke's mother watched him like a hawk. Once, Sasuke couldn't sleep, so he crawled out of bed and into the hall with the intention of asking his brother to read him a story. He remembered that he'd been instantly caught and pulled back into his room by his mom, who looked like she hadn't slept in days.

She probably hadn't, Sasuke thought, watching him like that.

She asked him what was wrong, upon which he told her he couldn't sleep and he wanted Itachi to read to him. She smiled to him, picked the book up in her hands and started reading out loud. Sasuke remembered that he tried to get comfortable, but it didn't feel the same. He loved his mom, but he still didn't enjoy her company as much as he did his older brother. He constantly sought the approval of his brother. As such, he wanted to be around him as much as possible. Also, now he hated to admit it, he missed Itachi's voice.

Weeks passed and Sasuke's attention was slowly curbed away from his brother. He began to notice that no matter how much time he spent with Itachi, he never changed. He hoped that one day his big brother would finally, truly acknowledge him and they could do all the things that siblings were supposed to do together. The more time he spent with his mother, the more he realized that day would never come.

He found a new person who would play with him and talk to him. His mother was always free for a board game or a movie. Itachi was not.

On a Thursday, his dad came home from his especially long business trip. He greeted Sasuke's mother with a brief embrace and a 'hello.' Sasuke wasn't expecting much. His father never went out of his way to greet him in any special manner. Normally, all he got was a nod. He was infinitely surprised and delighted, however, when his father patted his head and said, 'hello, son.'

Sasuke remembered how happy he was. He also remembered that however much he wanted to, he couldn't stop smiling the whole day.

A few days later, Sasuke's mom got a call from the police. She had sent Itachi to his scheduled appointment at the social worker's office, and apparently he had gotten uncharacteristically angry during said appointment. According to the man on the phone, she asked a question that struck a nerve in Itachi and he threatened her with a menagerie of tortures, all of which were extensively gruesome in nature. The man also said that he even nailed her in the head with a pen.

When Itachi came home, he walked calmly to his room, despite his mother's despairing cries. He locked himself there for six days. Sasuke would watch from the living room as his mom knocked on Itachi's door and offered him food. Itachi wouldn't reply, Sasuke assumed, because his mother always ended up setting it on the table near his door and telling him it was there if he was hungry. His dad even went up to the door and told him to come out.

One day, the brother in question emerged from his room for lunch. He cast Sasuke what could be interpreted as an angry glare, and before Sasuke could set one foot in his direction, his mom had thrown herself in front of him. She shooed him away into the living room. Sasuke remembered being pushed into the other room while his mom assumed the likeness of an agitated feline.

"_Stay away from my son," she spat._

_Little Sasuke looked back with confused eyes. His big brother continued glaring at his mother with a cold, indifferent stare. He said nothing. Instead, he merely turned to the refrigerator and fished around for a meal, just as he'd come there to do._

_Sasuke felt himself being hastily picked up by his possessive mother. As she carried him away, he peeked over her shoulder. Itachi had found what he wanted, the remains of last night's dinner, and now was staring back into Sasuke's eyes with two cold eyes of his own._

Every day after that, on the rare occasion that Itachi would come out of his room for reasons of his own, Sasuke would sneak away from his mom and pounce on his brother. He liked his mother so much more then, but he still missed his brother. He'd wrap his arms around him in a bear-hug. Itachi would spare him a glance and poke Sasuke in the forehead before continuing what he left his room to do.

One day, Sasuke slithered out of his mom's grasp again to greet his brother. He embraced him as he normally did, but Itachi didn't move. Puzzled, Sasuke glanced up at his brother's face. His stony eyes were fixed forward and his lips were pressed together in a tight line. Sasuke tugged on his shirt, trying to wrest a response from his older brother.

But Itachi just stood there, not even bothering to look at him.

Sasuke whined at him and crossed his arms. He knitted his eyebrows together and drew his lip up in a pout. He remembered that, despite his efforts to get his brother to notice him, he stood ramrod straight, looking directly ahead.

Eventually, Sasuke gave up, marching back into the living room to find that his mom had been worried sick about him the whole time.

He tried again and again to get his brother to talk to him, but to no avail.

"_Nii-san!" Sasuke whimpered, "Why won't you talk to me?"_

_Itachi's face remained cold. Sasuke was not impressed. "Itachi!" he hissed his brother's name. "We're buddies, aren't we?" Sasuke sniffed. He was going to cry if his brother kept doing this to him._

"_Go."_

_Sasuke blinked. Itachi still gave no sign that he knew his younger brother was talking to him. His attention was still fixated directly ahead of him. He sighed suddenly, looking down at Sasuke with his piercing black eyes. "Go, Sasuke," he started walking away, "Stay away from me."_

That was just four days before…

Sasuke sighed. He didn't want to remember any more. The bloody smell would come back, every shadow would suddenly become that of his brother, and those eyes would be fixed on him with that cold, dead glare of theirs…

Oh hell.

He was never going to get back to sleep.

----

Naruto glanced over his lunch to see Sasuke locked in a staring contest with a piece of rock in the concrete. He slurped more of his noodles.

Sasuke must've had a bad night. What could he expect, though, worrying his head off like that? He didn't look like the most relaxed person in the world. His eyes drooped and he had that characteristic Uchiha scowl plastered on his face. Poor Sasuke.

Naruto had a great night and a great morning too. His mom was extra gushy because of the lockdown, so when he told her about his first kiss, she literally suffocated him with hugs.

He woke up an hour later to the smell of ramen, cookies, and Jell-o. He dashed out of his room and into the kitchen where, to his delight, there was a heap of ramen and a small banquet to go with it.

Just as he thought, his mom got him a special present to go with the food.

She bought him a TV.

He spent a few hours trying to figure out how it worked, and then he invited his mom up to his room to watch a late-night talk show. They channel surfed all night and he and his mom both ended up asleep on the carpet in a puddle of drool.

Naruto always wanted to do that.

Minus the drool, of course.

He glanced over at Sasuke again. Poor Sasuke didn't have a mom to spend all night partying with. He sure as hell didn't have one to cook him something fun to eat. Speaking of eating, Sasuke didn't have any lunch.

Naruto got suspicious. Was he starving himself or something? How could he survive on one meal of Chinese food per day? Come to think of it, Sasuke never really answered the MSG question. He just laughed at Naruto and told him he was an idiot.

"Hey, Sasuke?" Naruto nudged the silent Uchiha boy.

Sasuke just gave him a lazy look. "What?" he asked tiredly.

"You want some of my ramen?" He asked, twirling a bunch of noodles on his chop-sticks.

"No," the dark-haired boy mumbled.

"Food doesn't bite, you know."

"I'm not hungry," Sasuke lied.

"Liar," Naruto chided, "I can hear your stomach growling."

"No, you can't," Sasuke declared.

Stubborn Sasuke. Naruto decided to resort to desperate measures. He had to get the Uchiha to eat something. He was so pale and skinny. What could he do? What would his mom do? He thought and thought, until he came up with an idea.

A deliciously awful idea.

He smiled cleverly, causing the Uchiha to hold his stare out of pure curiosity.

"Mmmm…" he moaned, running his tongue along the length of both chop-sticks and making sure to leave a thin strand of saliva trailing behind, "You sure you don't want any?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Sasuke growled, glancing back at Naruto in an accusing and guilty manner.

Which, by the way, only fueled the blonde's seductive persuasiveness.

"Oh, Sasuke…" he stared at the Uchiha through half lidded eyes, "It's so _delicious…_" he twirled noodles around the chopsticks and sucked them off slowly.

"Stop that, Dobe," Sasuke warned.

Naruto giggled alluringly, waggling his ass on the pavement, "Makes you want something tastier than ramen, doesn't it?"

Behind them, Neji suddenly erupted in peals of hysterical laughter, rising off the pavement and dragging Gaara with him. The flustered redhead had an agitated 'why can't I stick around and watch Naruto get raped' look on his face.

Naruto grinned.

Howls of derisive laughter.

"You know, Dobe, you shouldn't talk like that to just _anyone_," Sasuke grumbled with a hot blush threatening to creep up his face.

Naruto crawled slowly on all fours toward Sasuke, whispering in his ear, "You're not just _anyone_, Sasuke…" he allowed his breath to tickle the hair on the back of his boyfriend's neck.

To his never-ending enjoyment, he actually got a shiver out of the other boy. He seductively brushed his fingers against Sasuke's thigh, earning himself another shiver. He was about to crawl into his lap when…

"Just give me that ramen," Sasuke hissed stubbornly as he swiped it away from Naruto's side.

From behind the bushes came another cannonade of cackling as Neji's legs gave way and he fell through the greenery, writhing on the ground in a fit. Gaara followed, sighing drearily and patting Neji on the arm.

Naruto grinned.

He could tell by Sasuke's hunched over position that he was also having trouble containing himself, as it were.

Hah!

Naruto cracked himself up… He brushed his skirt off gleefully and contented himself with sitting at the glowering Sasuke's side.

All in a day's work

----

Gaara ended up having to take Neji on a walk to keep him from laughing. Just when he thought it was safe to turn around and go back to the ramen stand, the Asian boy would suddenly explode in another fitful episode of cackling. Gaara rolled his eyes. He didn't take Neji for the kind of person who would laugh continuously at something like that. Had he even seen porn before?

He must've miscalculated something.

In the meanwhile, Neji was temporarily silent. Gaara assumed it would only be a while before he acted up again.

He was right.

Neji's spasmodic sense of humor intrigued Gaara. What, indeed, was so funny?

Apart from the fact that the mighty Uchiha Sasuke was blushing like a madman.

That was funny.

"Could I ask what's so funny?" Gaara droned.

"You could," Neji answered absent-mindedly. This caused a fantastic rolling of the eyes on the redhead's part. "Indeed. What's so funny?" he demanded to know. "I don't see the humor in a little suggestive talk."

"Well, Gaara," Neji glanced fondly down at the hopelessly confused redhead, "Sasuke and Naruto are both romantically retarded."

True, true.

"And we've been officially together longer than they have."

Wait… he was on to something.

"And they just… did that, for lack of a better phrase."

Hmmm…

"And you won't even kiss me yet."

"Liar," Gaara glared. He kissed him before. What was Neji, senile?

"Okay, fine. You got me. Not just a peck on the lips though," Neji had a hungry look in his eyes. "I want a real kiss, idiot," Gaara could feel Neji's hot breath on his neck.

Gaara smiled. He could always count on a hormonal teenage boy's mind to hitch a ride on that train of thought. "Forget kissing," he waved the idea off, "Let's get a leg up on the competition."

Neji quirked an eyebrow, "And how do you suppose we do that?"

Gaara shrugged. "Do you have Friday off?" he asked mechanically.

Neji leered at him, sizing him up. "May I ask why?"

"Neji, I've been meaning to break that bed of mine…"

The Hyuga smiled mischievously. "Gaara, you sly dog."

----

Naruto skipped cheerfully through the halls. He was happy as a clam. It looked like Sasuke's mood had improved somewhat. He was talking now, not on the subject Naruto would've liked, but he was talking nonetheless.

"Don't ever do that again! Did you see how many people were staring at us? Naruto, are you listening?"

"Nope."

"Idiot," Sasuke said with a vigor he didn't have when he was kidding around.

"Relax, Sasuke," Naruto reasoned with a wave of the hand, "besides, if there are any rumors, we both know that I'm always the whore, not you. 'Kay?"

Naruto growled inwardly. This was turning into another one of those 'good shirt in, bad shirt out' days. He desperately wanted Sasuke to stop worrying. If he didn't stop soon, Naruto was going to start blubbering his own sentimental head off!

"Naruto… you're stressing me out," Sasuke growled.

That got Naruto's attention. "You're stressed out?" he asked worriedly before mentally slapping himself. Duh! Newsflash! Sasuke was stressed out! After all, there was only a potential attempt on his life recently.

Sasuke gave him a blank look.

Naruto laughed it off. "I'm sure they weren't after you," Naruto lied, referring to the Akatsuki.

Sasuke cast a grave look at him. Naruto began to feel small and stupid. "What?" he asked in a timid voice.

"I know," he replied darkly, "That's what scares me."

"Wait, what?" Naruto stopped in his tracks and stared disbelievingly into Sasuke's slate-cold eyes.

Sasuke shook his head and sighed. "No, it's nothing. I don't want you to worry."

"It's not nothing," Naruto interrupted, "Remember what I said about telling each other stuff?"

Sasuke groaned.

"Oh come on! You can't keep secrets from me all the time! Especially when those secrets are about _meeeeeee_!" Naruto made a show of stamping his feet and giving Sasuke his puppy eyes.

Sasuke just stood there, unamused.

"Come on!" Naruto whined, "My mom was watching the four-o-clock news and she got worried about me, you were acting funny, and that spy person was watching us!"

"Never mind, Naruto," Sasuke growled, "Let's go to-" he paused awkwardly. Naruto couldn't help but swallow a lump in his throat when that happened. "What's wrong, Sasuke?" he asked gravely.

"Did you say the four-o-clock news?" Sasuke asked suddenly.

"Yeah," Naruto fidgeted with his sweater, "why?"

Sasuke became immediately silent. Naruto couldn't help but feel like he said something wrong. "Sasuke?" he whispered.

The boy in question glanced slowly over at the worried blonde. "Naruto," the gravity in Sasuke's voice struck him like a hammer, "There is no four-o-clock news."

----

"Hunh?" The little blonde girl's big blue eyes stared straight through him.

Any minute now, she'd get it. Her mom knew something and was lying to Naruto. Anyone with a TV knew there wasn't a current news show at four. Naïve little Naruto was not an avid TV watcher.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Sasuke nearly pulled his hair out. How could anyone be so _stupid?_ So unbelievably _stupid?_

"Listen, Naruto," he gritted his teeth, "Your mom told you she saw this in the four-o-clock news. There is no four-o-clock news! It doesn't exist! The first news story about it wasn't until six! She is _lying to you!_ Doesn't that make you suspicious?"

She looked at him as if he'd grown another head.

Sasuke growled exasperatedly, threw his hands up into the air, and walked off.

This was too much. Too damn much!

First the ramen thing, Sasuke shuddered, then this! It was impossible for a girl her age to be so fucking stupid, but Naruto managed! By God, did she manage! He just wanted to… Aargh! Pull her arms off and strangle her with them!

"There is SO a four-o-clock news!" Naruto's harpy voice screeched after him.

This was it. Sasuke couldn't take it anymore.

"No, Naruto, there isn't!" he bellowed viciously back at her.

"There is too!" she screamed, "I'll prove it! My mom would never lie about that to me! EVER!"

"I bet she told you that, didn't she?" Sasuke yelled back bitterly. He saw Naruto puff herself up. "She did! And I believe her! You know why?"

"Because you trust her?" Sasuke spat ruefully.

"Because I-" Naruto stopped in her tracks. Sasuke allowed himself a sardonic smile. He knew it. It was just as his brother said.

"_Trust? Trust is a senseless emotion."_

"Yeah, well look where trust got me!" Sasuke said scornfully.

Naruto's frown only deepened. "Maybe it's you I can't trust."

She really hit the nail on the head with that one, Sasuke thought sarcastically. If she was hoping to hurt his feelings, she wasn't digging deep enough.

"My mom tells me everything I need to know. She doesn't hide anything from me," she stated confidently.

Sasuke smiled a bitter smile. "That's exactly how I felt about my older brother the night before he killed my family."

Silence.

Good. That settled it. He walked on to English class without a single word more from Naruto.

----

Naruto watched Sasuke walk off. He sighed. This was most definitely one of those 'good shirt in, bad shirt out' days.

At least for him.

Sasuke's shirt was ruined from the start. And to think… Naruto actually tried to get him to eat by showing him his interpretation of a watered down porn movie.

He bit his lip. He now felt guilty about coming onto him earlier.

His karma was biting him in the ass.

And then he had to go on and infuriate the Uchiha by arguing with him about the timing of a news channel. Speaking of which, he might have a talk with his mom about that later.

The fact stood that Sasuke was angry regardless of whether or not he asked his mom about the news.

This was hopeless. He was screwing everything up…

Naruto walked into English class just in time to sit in his seat before the bell rang. He was very well aware that the Uchiha of his nightmares was staring a hole through his back, and he tried his best not to let his righteous mind take over. Naruto hated himself for constantly having to be right… But how dare he even think that his mom would lie to him about that?

That was unheard of. How could he accuse his mom like that? He barely even knew her!

The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. He discarded all the feelings of regret he felt earlier and contented himself with scribbling angrily on a piece of paper.

Stupid Sasuke. He knew nothing about Kyuubi.

Nothing.

"Naruto?"

The boy in question looked up angrily. Iruka was staring down at him with his hands on his hips. "Are you working on your assignment?"

"What assignment?" he grumbled.

Iruka deflated and slumped forward, "You weren't listening to a single thing I said, were you?"

Naruto eyed him impatiently, "No."

Iruka puffed himself up. "Are you mouthing off to me, Uzumaki Naruto?" he tried his best to look intimidating.

Naruto snickered. He loved it when Iruka acted bigger than he was. "Are you going to send me to the principal's office, Iruka-Sensei?" Naruto drew out the vowels in his teacher's name.

Iruka huffed to himself, looking just about as dangerous as a pissed-off stuffed dolphin. "Yes," he growled, pausing a second in deep thought. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am!" he shouted suddenly, "Naruto, go to the principal's office!"

Naruto's eyes widened and his jaw hit the floor. "WHAT? You're actually sending me there?" he flailed his arms around in a horrendous display of displeasure.

"Yes!" Iruka sneered triumphantly.

"For real?" Naruto screeched, jumping up and down in his desk.

"Yes, now get out!"

Naruto stormed out the door, yelling and kicking and screaming and flailing. This was SO not fair! Too many bad things were happening! Too many! He read his mom's chick magazine for this month and it was just like the little horoscope thing said.

'…You need to watch what you say around others…'

'…Your actions could offend the ones you love…'

'…Pay attention in English class…'

'…Avoid Scorpios.'

Oh, Bullshit. He stomped away to the main office.

Tsunade's student lackey was fluttering around the room, answering calls and organizing papers, stopping every once in a while to scribble something on her notepad. Naruto waited impatiently and unpleasantly at the counter. He stamped his foot on the tile.

Back at camp, Iruka always threatened him with a date with the authorities, but Naruto never thought that one day he'd actually send him to see the person in charge. In this case, the person in charge was a woman, no, a savage beast that _looked_ like a woman, named Tsunade.

Naruto took a quick glance down the hallway inside the office. He could see Tsunade's deceivingly harmless door looming off in the distance. God only knew what happened in there.

"Can I help you?" the beady eyed office-aid asked.

"Stupid Iruka sent me to-" Naruto's angry expression changed to innocence. "Get some more paper for his printer!"

Sly little fox.

"Well, okay," the aid said, giving Naruto a peculiar look. She shuffled around in a corner until she dug up a packet of white printer paper. "Here you go…" she droned flatly, handing it to him. Naruto's conscience hugged him. He felt so smart.

"Hey brat!" Tsunade's door was ajar and her face was peeking out of it, "I hope you intend on using all that paper to write sentences on."

Shit.

Just shit.

He instantly dropped the paper on the ground, causing an alarmingly big cloud of dust to rise off the tile. "You caught me, officer!" Naruto said sarcastically with his hands in the air.

Tsunade only smirked. "C'mere," she commanded, curling a finger in her direction, "Iruka warned me you'd attempt to foil my aid. Looks like he was right."

Naruto grudgingly made his way toward what he was sure was the mouth of hell. Tsunade all but shoved him in the door before yelling to her aid, "Hey! And make sure Shikamaru does a better job with the floors next time! Lazy bastard…"

"You make Shikamaru clean your floors?" Naruto stared in disbelief.

"He constantly gets himself in trouble for being lazy. Watching him actually do something is better than singing him to sleep by droning on about school policy," Tsunade said offhandedly. "Where were we?" she asked all too pleasantly.

Naruto grimaced. Bad things happened when women smiled like that.

Tsunade shut the door. "Step into my office," she said wickedly, motioning to a chair on the other side of her desk. Naruto meandered over to the chair and flopped down in it.

"Now then," Tsunade clasped her hands together, getting comfortable in her own chair. "Would you care to tell me why you were sent here?"

Naruto frowned. "Didn't Iruka tell you over the phone?"

"I suppose I wanted to hear your side of the story," Tsunade replied thoughtfully.

Naruto eyed her cautiously, "Were you ever a psychiatrist?"

Tsunade smirked, "No, and I never want to be compared to one, by the way."

Naruto stared blankly. Were other schools like this? Did they have principals like Tsunade? Naruto swore that at some time during what was supposed to be his punishment, Tsunade would suddenly open the door and say, 'Look, kid! The door's open. Go out there and scribble on the walls or something. I'll just turn around and pretend I didn't see you. Oh ho ho ho!'

"Now then," Tsunade's voice became sterner, "Iruka told me you were scribbling on a piece of paper when you were supposed to be working, correct?"

"Yeah," Naruto admitted.

"And you weren't paying attention to the lesson he was teaching, correct?"

"Yeah."

"And when he talked to you about it, you spoke to him disrespectfully, correct?"

"It's not like he isn't used to it," Naruto muttered.

"What was that?" Tsunade asked dryly.

Naruto splurged, "Come on! Anyone who talks to Iruka knows he's a complete baby! I've done stuff like that before and he hasn't sent me down here. He threatens to sometimes, but he never does it! Coming down here is the last thing I need! Jeez! Today is just getting worse. First I do something stupid, and then I argue with Sasuke, then this!" He threw his arms up in the air and growled irately at himself.

"So you're having boy troubles, are you?" Tsunade said knowingly, tapping her recently painted fingernails on her desk.

"No!" Naruto squeaked.

Tsunade just kept smiling.

"Yes…" Naruto sighed, defeated.

"I thought as much," the principal crowed her superiority, "Now then, would you mind telling me exactly what is wrong between the two of you?"

Naruto eyed her warily. She had that look in her eye, like she already knew half of the story. "You were peeking out your window, weren't you?" he asked dryly.

Tsunade smirked knowingly.

"I thought so," he mumbled.

"And what a sight it was," she declared, "You should have seen the look on his face."

Naruto tilted his head, "And what was that?"

"Well, he looked like he wanted to beat you within an inch of your life," she said absent-mindedly, "but I bet he'll get over it in a while." Tsunade then smiled mischievously, adding with a whisper, "and I'll bet he'll want to get even with you too."

The corner of Naruto's mouth twitched.

Get… even… with… him…?

Naruto laughed nervously, "Oh no! It was just a joke! I didn't really _mean _anything, ya' know?" giggle, giggle, giggle.

"I'm not so sure he sees it that way," Tsunade said, reclining coolly in her chair. "It might take him a while to get used to something like that. After Itachi happened, you know about him, don't you?"

"Yeah," Naruto stated, "everyone knows about him, don't they?" And they did. Even Iruka knew about him.

"Yes, well, after that mass-murder disaster, Sasuke hasn't particularly liked getting close to anyone," she subconsciously flicked her hair, "and you, my friend, got a little too close. What's more, he's probably having a bad day because of the recent happenings in and around our school…"

Naruto blinked.

_In?_

Did she just say _in?_

He must've been completely transparent, because Tsunade sighed a long, deep sigh. "Yeah," she croaked, referring to the Akatsuki spy, "I don't know how he did it, but he got in."

"What was he doing?" Naruto asked urgently.

"None of your business," Tsunade glared at him and shut him up. "You tell anyone else, and I'll barbeque you. Hear?"

Naruto nodded meekly.

As Tsunade continued to stew in her deeper thoughts, Naruto grew curious. What could he possibly have been looking for? Student records perhaps? Whose records? What could the Akatsuki possibly want?

Iruka told him something about Sasuke's brother being obsessed with the organization. Maybe it was just like he thought and they were after Sasuke.

Tsunade cast him an apprehensive glance.

"Was he after Sasuke, do you think?" Naruto asked innocently.

"I don't know," Tsunade answered tactfully, "they're impossible to read." Her lips suddenly curled down and she scowled menacingly, "But if they plan on taking over _my_ school, they're going to be sadly disappointed."

Naruto hoped she was right.

"Well," she clapped her hands together in a sudden display of wicked glee, "I'd best put you to work then."

"What?" Naruto asked indignantly.

"Uzumaki," she said sweetly, "you know how much I like to watch my students squirm."

Naruto groaned and melted into his seat.

"I have an errand I want you to run for me on Wednesday," she stated simply.

Naruto had lost all hope of escaping said errand, so he asked what the hell she could possibly want him to do.

"I have a package I want to send to a very _dear_ friend of mine, but I don't want to pay for it. I also don't want him to know who it's from…" She giggled menacingly.

Naruto was getting a bad feeling about this.

"I'll be expecting you in my office at three fifteen this Wednesday. No later. Understood?"

Naruto nodded rapidly.

"Good. Now get out of my office."

Naruto obeyed, glad to be set free from the confines of Tsunade's room. He shuddered. Talking to that woman was like having a heart-to-heart with the devil.

"Oh, and don't think about wandering around the halls."

Speak of the devil and she spoke back.

"I've already let Iruka know that you're coming back, so if I get a call that you're not back in that classroom in three minutes, you're in deep shit. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am!" Naruto said with a mock salute.

Needless to say, Naruto was back in English class within the given time limit. Tsunade scared him. She knew too much about absolutely everything! Why was she spying on them when they were eating lunch anyway?

Pervert.

He sat down in his desk, mindful of the fiery-tempered Uchiha behind him. He didn't feel like making eye contact with Sasuke at the moment. He was probably still pissed off at him for all the stuff that happened earlier that day.

As he waited for the bell to ring, he was well aware that the angry dark-haired boy was once again trying to cook him alive with the laser-beams shooting out of his eyes.

What a thought.

The bell rang and Naruto shot out of his desk like a rocket, not wanting to suffer the wrath of the mighty Uchiha Sasuke. He sprinted down the hall, not bothering to stop at his locker, flew past the glass doors and rocketed away from the school. He glanced briefly over his shoulder to see if anyone followed him. He noticed with a sigh of relief that Sasuke was nowhere in sight.

Once he was a block away, he slowed to a steady pace and walked. Boy, he could sprint when he thought there was an angry Uchiha on his tail. He would never try out for track in high school though, because Gaara once told him that track girls wore extremely short shorts.

That, Naruto could not do.

Not only would he feel uncomfortable, but he knew there were a few things people were bound to notice.

Naruto adjusted his backpack, hefting it over his other shoulder. He had a long walk ahead of him. He was going to his uncle's that day.

He lived in a quiet little house in the middle of a fairly underdeveloped portion of the district. Back in the day, Jiraiya had said, it was a plot of farmland. He never sold it, and so, despite the city's efforts to buy it from him, it remained in his possession.

Ten acres of land.

All around his house.

That never got mowed.

Naruto ran across one of the busier streets in Konoha, headed for the aforementioned piece of land.

Farm land.

Hah.

Maybe eons ago, but now it was a stew of bushes, weeds, puddles, trees, trees, and more trees. And as if that weren't enough, there were toads and frogs everywhere. Jiraiya let them live in the marsh near his pond. His very first pet was a turtle that lived in that pond.

Naruto waited at another crosswalk.

As he waited, he was inspired to think about that turtle and the things his owning of it brought about. He didn't remember much before he was seven years old, but he reflected on what he did. He drew on the turtle's shell with crayon once, much to the displeasure of his father, who was constantly stressing the fact that animals had feelings too. He didn't know his dad very well. He came to his mom's house every so often to spend time with Naruto, but he'd be gone in a flash.

One day, he stopped coming. That was the day the policeman came to the door and announced he had been shot. He never knew why. He didn't bother asking anymore.

His turtle died not long after that, if he remembered correctly. He buried it in his backyard, marking its grave with a popsicle stick. It wasn't there anymore. Naruto's mom told him she'd run over the stick with the mower on accident. He went out the following day to replace the popsicle stick, but he found that he couldn't remember where he buried the turtle.

He was almost at his uncle's now.

He could smell it.

The sweet, delicious scent of soggy, rotting organic sediments. Yum.

He hopped off the sidewalk and into the narrow, deserted street. The sidewalk ended just up ahead. He liked walking in the street anyway. On this road, he could weave from curb to curb and not worry about cars.

He did so.

And he didn't run into a single car.

The telltale overgrown foliage of Jiraiya's land peeked over the roofs of the houses just down the road. Naruto turned a few corners, and there it was. Tangled branches and gnarled roots twisted around the small iron bar fence that surrounded the property. The driveway down the road was the only means of getting in.

Naruto swung the rusted iron gates inward and bounded in, not bothering to close them after him. His mom always shut the gates when she came in for an extended period of time, but Naruto was lazy. Jiraiya always said he had no use for the damn things anyway.

He said they scared off all the beautiful women who walked by.

Who was he kidding?

There were no beautiful women in this neighborhood! At least he never saw any…

But his uncle had binoculars and a high roof.

He was constantly on 'babe-watch,' as he liked to call it.

After what seemed like forever, Naruto reached the front door. He noticed with puzzlement that his mom's red car was parked in the driveway. He rang the doorbell nonetheless and banged on the abused piece of wood for good measure.

"Open up, Ero-sannin!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

There was some rustling about in the house before Jiraiya flung open the door with a heartfelt, "Naruto!" The blonde waved at him before rushing past him and belly-flopping onto his couch. "Hey honey!" His mom waved from the dining room, "You're here early."

Naruto laughed guiltily, scratching the back of his head, "I… er… kinda' ran some of the way."

"Ran?" Kyuubi took another drag of her cigarette, "why?"

"Well, Sasuke's acting funny lately. I think he might be mad at me…" Naruto whispered the last part.

"Poor baby," his mom sympathized sadly, "must be so hard living all alone like that."

Naruto blinked.

Maybe she didn't hear him when he said Sasuke might have been mad at him. He stayed quiet about it though.

She took another drag of her cigarette, flicking her fiery ponytail to the side.

During this conversation, Jiraiya had all-too-happily grabbed something out of the fridge and was now munching it in the hall on the way to his computer. He waved back to Naruto, whose eye twitched in embarrassment.

His _sister_ was here!

Why was he looking at porn when she was just a few rooms away?

Pervert.

Shameless perverted hermit.

Naruto's mom rolled her eyes, mumbling something along the lines of, 'his nephew comes over and _what _does he do?'

Naruto glanced around the house. Nothing special seemed to be going on, so why the hell was he there anyway? He waited a few more minutes in silence before asking.

"Well," Kyuubi drawled around her cigarette, "I was hoping to spend some quality time with your uncle," she then rolled her eyes, "but as you can see, he'd much rather do something else…"

Naruto snorted. He got out of his seat on the couch and padded over to the kitchen. He walked straight past his mom, who decided that on a whim she would try to trip him, and he fell flat on his face. After griping about his nose for thirty seconds, he grabbed one of his mom's feet and started tugging on it. She desperately tried to shake him off, but in the end, she fell out of her chair with a graceless thud.

She eventually shook him off because he was too busy laughing to hold on. "Asshole…" she growled halfheartedly at Naruto and nudged him in the side with her foot.

"Who's the asshole?" Naruto asked, still laughing uncontrollably. Kyuubi just kicked him again and he scrambled away. He tactfully avoided his mother in order to sneak over to the counter and steal an apple. He swiped it away to the comfort of the living room and munched happily on his treat.

"Enjoy your spoils," Kyuubi said dryly, "because that's the last thing you're eating before dinner. Got it?"

Naruto hummed his affirmative, still gnawing away.

In less time than it took to fry an ant with a magnifying glass in the middle of July, the apple was nothing more than a mangled mess lying in the garbage can.

Naruto had run out of ways to amuse himself and was contemplating whether or not to join his uncle down the hall, when his mom fixed him in place with a question. "Naruto, sweetie?" she began, "How're you and Sasuke doing?"

Naruto flinched inwardly. He didn't want to tell the truth! His TV would be history and his ramen would mysteriously disappear. "He wasn't very talkative today," Naruto half-lied, "I think it's just because he's got a lot of stuff on his mind."

Kyuubi was silent for a moment. "I see," she said, taking a long, thoughtful drag from her rapidly shrinking cigarette.

Naruto changed the subject before his mom could dig any deeper. "I'm hungry. What're we having for dinner?" he asked innocently.

"Tofu-burgers," she answered with a flick of her fingers.

Naruto frowned, sticking his tongue out and screwing up his eyes in displeasure. "What the hell are those?" he asked rudely. Kyuubi only smiled. "Relax, kiddo," she said dismissively, "We're having a good, old-fashioned barbeque. Steak-kabobs. Sound good?"

Naruto's frown flipped over as he nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, and if you're feeling bored, don't go running to Jiraiya. He's already fucked up your mind beyond repair," Kyuubi added wryly. "Go out and catch frogs or something."

Naruto stuck his tongue out at her again.

Stupid mom.

She only existed to keep him from having fun.

Maybe he could watch Jiraiya's TV to keep him from gouging his own eyes out from sheer boredom.

Jiraiya's TV…

"Hey mom?" he asked suddenly.

"Hm?" she answered, popping Naruto's uncle's trash can open and dropping her spent stub of a cigarette in.

"Is there really a four-o-clock news?" he asked suspiciously.

Kyuubi looked at him as if he'd just thrown a pebble at her. "Why do you ask?" she inquired with a flutter in her voice.

Naruto shrugged his shoulders disarmingly. "Just wondering," he lied, "I might want to watch it after school sometime."

Kyuubi smiled. "Of course there's a four-o-clock news! But you can't watch it at our house," she added quickly.

Naruto frowned, "why not?"

"You see," she began, "your uncle doesn't have a life, or any decent hobbies for that matter. For that reason, he spends his money upgrading his cable." She got a geeky look in her eyes, "And he's got this awesome upgrade with, like, five thousand channels on it!"

Naruto shrank back. His mom was getting fangirly…

"And you can even see, like, Japanese channels and crap!" she slowed down a bit. "One of those special channels is where he gets his news from."

"What channel was it?" Naruto asked skeptically.

"Let's see now," Kyuubi assumed a look of deep thought. "I can't remember!" she said finally.

"Hey Jiraiya!" she yelled down the hall, "Can you help me find the remote?"

Naruto quirked a brow.

"What for?" his uncle bellowed irritatedly.

"Naruto here wants to know if there's a four-o-clock news!" his mom roared back.

A split second later, Jiraiya was in the living room.

He wordlessly dug around in the chairs, grumbling to himself when he didn't find anything. Eventually, he wandered over to Naruto. "I think you're sitting on it," he declared. Naruto hopped out of his seat on the couch so his uncle could inspect the cushion he was recently perched on.

"Ah hah!" Jiraiya shouted gleefully, pulling something out from between the cushions, "I found it!" he waved the remote control around in the air so Naruto could see it. Then, he sat down, pressed a button, and the TV winked to life. Naruto bounced onto the couch and watched as he sifted through channels on a menu-like screen.

"Ah," he sighed victoriously, "here it is."

Naruto watched in rapt fascination as his uncle pressed another button. Bewildered, Naruto's eyes widened and he gawked at the screen. There… on the screen…

Was an anchorman delivering the news.

His jaw hit the floor. He couldn't believe his eyes.

Sasuke was _wrong!_

Naruto started to feel guilty for doubting his mom in the first place. He was right. She'd never lie to him like that.

"Anything else?" Kyuubi smiled sweetly.

Naruto shook his head. "I think I'm gonna' go outside now," he stated before maneuvering toward the sliding-glass back door. He didn't look back. He had enough evidence to prove Sasuke wrong.

Boy, the Uchiha was going to have a cow when he found out about this.

Naruto shoved the door aside and contentedly sauntered out onto the patio.

Naruto didn't glance in the reflective glass enough to notice anything. He was too busy thinking about how wrong Sasuke was.

But had he looked harder, he would've seen his mother's calculating eyes following him silently out the back door.

----

Chibi Neji: Dun dun DUUUUNNN!

Chibi Gaara: o.o Well said.

Me: Well, there you go! Another chapter, complete with suggestive talk, arguments, background info, and a (sort of) cliffhanger!

Chibi Naruto: -Le-gasp-

Chibi Neji: On another note, Swirl-chan would like to add an announcement.

Me: Yes! Ahem… I've noticed, through my looking-over of this fanfiction on that this website is a punctuation thief. I originally had boundaries between POVs on the first chapter, but fanfic snuck in and stole them all while my Chibi friends and I were asleep.

Chibi Naruto: D: Yes! It's true!

Me: Upon further investigation, I noticed that it had added letters, punctuation marks, and indentations in places it deemed humorous to place them. I believe it may have stolen them from the works of other various authors and authoresses.

Chibi Iruka: In any case, it is quite obvious that is a prankster and is probably a purple elephant-like creature from mars.

Me: Too right! And if you meet these poor, unfortunate writers whose letters have been stolen, feel free to tell them that they may be able to reclaim them here.

Chibi Sakura: We have to stamp out this crime, bashing it over the head with the guitar of righteousness!

Chibi Gaara: Kudos to that!

Chibi Neji: Yes! Amen to- wait… -blinks and points- Is that Dizzy, walking around with all those letters in her mouth?

Me: WHAAAAAT?

Chibi Gaara: -glares at Dizzy-

Chibi Naruto: No, Gaara-chan. Don't eat the ferret.

Chibi Gaara: You're mine, ferret!

Ferret: -squeaks and runs-

Me: Well, I'll be damned… Letter stealing ferrets aside…

Chibi Iruka: Review! Eeeee! –squeals with joy-

Me: Yes. I've still got cookies, as they seem to be the favorites among my reviewers. Review for cookies and continuation and…

Chibi Iruka: -twiddles thumbs- World peace?

Me: Yeah. That.

Chibi Naruto: …

Chibi Sasuke: Isn't this where Gaara ends the fic?

Chibi Gaara: -chases ferret- I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Me: O.o

Chibi Sakura: He seems to be busy. I'll end it then! –sparkles- Review, review, review!


	15. 15: How not to be seen

**Jlh!**

**Disclaimer:** I'm waging war on lawyers. This is ridiculous.

Chibi Naruto: D: I thought this fic would be DONE by now!

Me: Oh, Naruto. –playful nudge- Enjoy life.

Chibi Naruto: But I'm tired of dressing up like a girl!

Chibi Kyuubi: Whuwazzat?

Chibi Naruto: I said 'I love dressing up like a girl!'

Chibi Kyuubi: -snigger- I thought so.

Chibi Gaara: While that's going on, Swirls thanks you once again for reading her shit.

Me: YES! 8D thank you soooo much! You all inspire me to be a better writer and to write more often! Hooray! Go you!

Chibi Gaara: You have no idea what goes through Swirly's mind as she posts another one of her chapters.

Me: Yes. It goes something like this… 'OMG OMG OMG I missed something, didn't I? Something's spelled wrong isn't it? I screwed up POVs! I screwed up something else! Homigawd! Is his hair really that color? Did I forget to add quotation marks somewhere? Did I make this guy too OOC? Oh l0rdy! Did I put his house somewhere else? Did he really say that? Are trees really green? No! They're brown! Shit! XP'

Chibi Gaara: Swirly worries too much. Don't you agree?

Me: XP I do. Damn.

Chibi Gaara: Well, while she waits at her door with a shotgun for an angry mob of pissed-off fans, here's another chappie for you.

Chibi Naruto: -waves little flag- Hooray.

Chibi Kyuubi:3

Chibi Naruto: HOORAY! –tosses confetti-

Chibi Gaara: Without further ado, read, review, and relax.

**J L H 15**

Sasuke was in a perfectly foul mood that day.

He was running out of liquor and he wasn't about to beg to Kisame for more. In an effort to conserve what little he had left, he didn't drink any and as a consequence he woke up seven times last night. To make matters worse, Naruto had mysteriously popped up in a similarly vile mood and was now nagging to him about the accusations against her mother.

"There is SO a four-o-clock news! I saw it last night!" Naruto bitched.

Sasuke only rolled his eyes. What an idiot. What an absolute moron! Sasuke had every single channel in the known universe in his cable package. He got shit in German, French, Chinese, whatever.

Every single one.

And when he was bored, he watched them all.

And never once did he see a channel that held a newscast at four.

This was bullshit. Naruto's mom was being awfully sneaky, and he was determined to find out why.

"Did you see her surf through the channels, or did she just turn it on?" Sasuke asked dryly, knowing the blonde girl would do anything to protect her mother's reputation.

"My uncle did it. I saw everything. He went to the cable menu and searched for it. Then he found it, and there it was! I _saw _it happen! So there!" She immaturely stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her arms.

Sasuke was left with no choice but to roll his eyes once more at her behavior. "It doesn't exist," he stated again, "I know it doesn't."

"Oh really?" she spat, "well I saw it! I have proof! You're just too stubborn and stupid to admit you're wrong!"

Sasuke glared daggers at her. He was not wrong. He was never wrong.

Ever.

Was he?

His subconscious clouded over. The Itachi voice sneered at him from an anonymous, nondescript corner of his mind.

You were wrong about your brother.

He flinched inwardly.

"Don't have anything to say to that, do you, Teme," Naruto's voice mocked as she placed her hands on her hips and leered at him from beneath her annoyingly glittery eyelids. "Whatever it is that you're getting at, I know my mom's not hiding anything from me," she stated confidently.

Sasuke snarled. He didn't need this bullshit. He was going to turn around and walk away. Just walk away…

"I trust her," Naruto's seriously certain little voice crowed.

Sasuke gritted his teeth together in anger, glaring dangerously at the annoying blonde beside him. "Trust?" he clarified cynically. She nodded with a saucy air.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed as a cruelly sadistic sneer played across his face.

He snarled bitterly, "That, Naruto, is your first mistake."

----

Stupid Teme!

Stupid, stupid, stupid Teme!

Naruto was going to pull his hair out, use it to start a fire in Sasuke's house, burn half of the house down, then put the fire out so it would forever smell like burnt, wet hair. That'd teach the bastard.

Naruto had proof that his mom wasn't lying to him!

Proof, dammit!

He was going bash Sasuke on the head with a rock, knock him unconscious, and then drag him over to his uncle's house where he would duct-tape his eyes open and MAKE him watch that goddamn channel!

As Sasuke stomped away, Naruto was left to growl and ball his hands into fists.

How could that bastard still think his mom was evil?

What did it matter anyway? It was just a news channel! Naruto couldn't understand what the big deal was! Even if his mom did lie to him, which she didn't, she could have easily heard it from one of her girlfriends.

Why was Sasuke so mad?

He was just a know-it-all, Naruto decided, and he did not like to admit it when he was wrong.

Bastard.

Naruto was stuck between feeling anger for the irrationally suspicious Sasuke and feeling despair that the two of them were drifting further apart. He hated Sasuke's closed mind, but he didn't want to be alone! Sure, he had Gaara, but why would Gaara want to hang around with him when he could be with Neji?

Stupid boyfriends were screwing everything up…

Okay.

Naruto was really going to pull his hair out now.

He growled to himself as he stormed into the girls' locker room.

What was this? Some secret conspiracy against him to knock him completely off his rocker? Were Sasuke, Gaara and Neji planning on driving him mad?

Well, it was working!

It was working, damn them!

Naruto quickly got dressed for gym and flew out the locker room door before anyone else had a chance to enter. He paced through the halls, not minding the quizzical eyes of many a girl that passed by.

All he could think about was Sasuke and his stupid, stubborn, nasty, not-nice-ness.

He stomped into the gym to meet the questioning faces of Gaara and Neji. "What's put you in such a fine mood?" the redhead asked with a quirk of his lips.

Naruto only continued fuming to himself and pacing in circles. "Fucking Teme…" he snarled after a while.

Gaara blinked his eyes and an absurd smile wormed its way onto his face. Neji's eyes widened and his lips twitched in spasms of amusement.

Naruto glared accusingly from the corner of his eye at the both of them. "What's so funny?" he asked cautiously.

Neji pointed a shaky, disbelieving finger at him. "You fucked Sasuke?"

"NO!"

A humorously skeptical snort was heard from Gaara, who had a hand over his mouth and his eyes focused off to the side.

As one would expect, this only worsened Naruto's attitude. "He's being a dick!" Naruto screeched, much to the amusement of Neji, who just couldn't keep a smile off his face. Gaara snorted again and…

Was that a hint of a laugh that Naruto heard?

What did he say wrong?

"And I bet you're being an asshole," Gaara snickered under his breath. Neji slapped his knee and buckled in hysterical laughter, "Are you giving him a _hand_ with that or are you _mouthing_ off to him as usual?"

That last comment took Neji down and Gaara followed not long after.

Naruto frowned in his adorably unhappy way. "What's so funny?" he demanded to know.

Gaara opened his mouth to tell him, but was dragged down by a silent-laughing Neji.

Naruto stared blankly at the two of them.

He didn't get it…

…

…

Oh, damn.

Naruto's face turned beet red. His fists clenched and unclenched as he glared the two idiots down.

Perverts!

He mimicked a suffocating goldfish for a while before deciding that he should just walk away and pretend nothing happened. He sat criss-cross on the polished floor a good distance away from Neji and Gaara, who were still laughing their perverted little asses off.

What was with them lately? Neji was acting funny yesterday, and now he had Gaara laughing. Naruto suspected that if he were merely to walk over and say 'balls,' the redhead and the Asian would both be rolling around on the floor laughing themselves to death.

The moment passed in no time at all and they were back to their normal selves. Naruto found himself envious of them. They could joke around and kid with each other all they wanted. They were so light-hearted and happy.

Why couldn't he and Sasuke be like that?

Because Sasuke was a stubborn, skeptical bastard.

Yeah.

As Naruto was thinking, Neji was suddenly laughing into his arm and Gaara had a peculiar look in his eyes. Naruto followed their line of vision to see that Uchiha Sasuke had chosen that moment in time to waltz through the doorway. He glared back at the dynamic duo and Neji fell over backward, trying his hardest not to laugh.

Sasuke cast Naruto an accusing glare. Naruto just scowled at him and shrugged his shoulders.

It wasn't his fault they were psychotic.

The bell rang and Naruto waited the few long minutes it took Kakashi to show up. He was always late. Frankly, Naruto liked it. Kakashi was more like a person than a teacher. Naruto remembered that when he was younger, he thought that the janitors lined the teachers up at the end of the day, deflated them, and then stored them in the broom closet. The first person to disprove that theory was Iruka.

Kakashi went through the very short chore of figuring out who was present and who wasn't, before he began his daily routine of telling the class what the hell was going on and reminding them how much he disliked them. Naruto knew he didn't mean it.

"Next week, we're running the mile," Kakashi stated, much to the groaning and grumbling displeasure of the class, Naruto included. The mile was the most detested of physical fitness tests. The girls hated it, the boys dreaded it, and Naruto flat out wanted to murder the person who invented it.

He always came in last, no matter how hard he tried. One year, he puked his guts out, and then fainted on the track. He woke up in the hospital a few minutes later, wondering what the hell happened.

That never stopped him though.

He continued trying his hardest and placing among the slowest.

God hated him.

He knew it.

Regardless of whether or not there existed some supreme being in the heavens who desperately loathed and despised him, Naruto was going to try his best.

He was going to beat Sasuke.

He was going to show that Uchiha…

…that he was…

…

…faster than him?

Yeah.

Anything he could prove to Sasuke at this point was a plus. Stubborn Sasuke and his damned refusal to believe that his mom wasn't evil...

Sasuke was evil.

Yeah.

Gym class ended once Kakashi successfully forced the class to run laps around the gymnasium. Naruto raced into the locker room and changed in a bathroom stall. After that, he snatched up his backpack and loped out the door. He met Sasuke in the hallway. Sasuke whipped up a glare that would've been absurd under any other circumstances.

But Sasuke was mad.

And even a rock at the bottom of the sea knew that the great Uchiha Sasuke could do whatever he pleased when he was angry.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him.

Sasuke glared straight through him. Naruto knew that his English class was going to be a long one.

----

Sasuke was not in the mood to listen to his English teacher ramble on and on about what he already knew. It was roughly a month now that he'd been in school, and this was still all review.

He was a genius.

That was the problem.

And then there were people like Naruto.

He glared into the back of Naruto's fluffy sweater. He couldn't quite understand why she didn't feel a bit suspicious about her mom's mysterious knowing of things before they were broadcast.

And then there were her honesty issues.

Sasuke slumped in his chair with a defeated sigh.

Maybe he was getting too worked up about this. Naruto lived relatively close to the school, so maybe the mysterious spy ran past her window when he was evading the police. Maybe Naruto's mom heard it from a friend who lived across from the school.

Even if that were the case, why would she bother making up a story about a bogus news channel?

Something didn't fit.

He wasn't sure what it was, but there was something about Naruto's mom that Sasuke didn't like.

Sasuke breathed another frustrated sigh before promptly digging the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Ugh.

He hated thinking.

Especially with his withdrawal symptoms as bad as they were.

Sasuke definitely didn't want to visit his sharkey pal anytime soon. Sasuke always knew he was dangerous, but now he was _suspiciously_ dangerous. Kisame wanted something. He would never ask about Naruto's mother in the polite way that he did if there was nothing he wanted to know. That was the way he did business.

Sasuke wanted to avoid him as much as possible, but his drug supply was running low and his liquor fridge was mysteriously emptying itself. Of course, there was no easy way to solve his problem.

Sasuke's issues were never easily taken care of.

Pissed him off…

Anyway, he couldn't just walk over to another dealer and say 'hey! I'm Sasuke Uchiha. You know, that rich kid whose life is perfect? Strange you say? Oh! No. I'm not here to report you or anything. Why am I here? Well, I just noticed that pretty white powder you were handing out to those big, scary people earlier and I was wondering if I could try some. How much? Oh, good! I'll pay you right here and now. What's that? Don't mind the people standing across the street with cameras, waiting to snap a photo and ruin me forever? Okay. They've already seen me, and everyone in town knows who I am. No point in trying to stop them now, right? So, how much did you say per pound again?'

He just couldn't do it.

First, his brother murdered everyone in his family, and then Sasuke would tear apart any fragile foundations his family name had left with his addiction problems. That particular story would never make it off the air.

The Uchiha boys were both lunatics.

Sasuke remembered little bits of the bold, capitalized headline in the newspaper the morning after Itachi went mad.

UCHIHA FAMILY BRUTALLY MURDERED

There was a little sub-headliner thing under that that said something about one survivor.

Sasuke sneered at himself. Knowing him, he'd still make the first page, but with considerably less flare.

DRUNK, STONED TEEN BILLIONARE BURNS DOWN HOME

Hah.

Boy, if Itachi saw that one. He'd probably come creeping back from the gates of hell with the intention of finishing what he started.

That and his entire family would roll over in their graves.

Correction.

_Half _of his family.

The other half's ashes would somehow seep into the plumbing system and poison him.

That was a disturbing thought.

"Sasuke?"

Hearing his name, Sasuke slid his palms away from his eyes and along the sides of his head. He looked over in the direction of the voice. There was Iruka, standing awkwardly at the front of the class with his mini lesson plan leaning against the whiteboard.

"Hm?" Sasuke blinked. God, did he sound tired, or was that just his imagination? He looked around at the class, seeing their expressions transform into curiosity and worry.

Shit.

It wasn't his imagination.

He needed a fix.

Fast.

"Are you feeling alright?" Iruka inquired carefully. Sasuke sighed. He meant it to be an annoyed sigh, but it ended up a little shakier than he would've liked.

All eyes were focused on him now.

All of them.

At least they were, until Sasuke accidentally looked forward and Naruto spun around tensely in her chair. She just sat there rather rigidly, and said nothing.

Sasuke debated what to say. He had the feeling 'I'm just fine' wasn't the most logical or believable answer.

"I've been better," he admitted, not bothering to think of something more creative.

Much to Sasuke's delight, the harpies in the back remained silent.

Iruka thought for a moment. "You think you're going to fall asleep again?" he asked apprehensively.

Sasuke smiled a little. The English teacher was still paranoid about that? He was right to be paranoid, Sasuke supposed. The way things were unfolding, the next time he collapsed, it could be for respiratory failure. Drugs were funny that way.

Sasuke breathed deeply, and then sighed again. A long, tired breath of air, he imagined. "I think I'll make it," he tried to sound confident. Again, though, his voice was laced with fatigue.

Iruka eyed him again. "Well, okay," he said, sounding more than a little unsure of himself. He then went on babbling to the rest of the class, who gradually lost interest in the Uchiha. Sasuke saw Iruka glancing watchfully over at him every once in a while.

Just making sure he didn't suddenly keel over and die.

The likelihood of that seemed a lot larger now. Maybe Sasuke's body really _was _shutting down.

Ironically, the possibility made him happy.

----

When school ended, Naruto raced straight to Tsunade's office. He reasoned that it was because he didn't want to be caught by a less-than-happy Sasuke. However, the real reason was something completely different.

He didn't want to give himself enough time to worry about the Uchiha.

He knew that the more he thought about Sasuke, the more anxious he'd become.

That wasn't cool.

Naruto was supposed to be _mad_ at him, dammit!

He turned the corner into the main office, trying his best to focus on the task at hand rather than on the Uchiha. He skipped into the hall leading to Tsunade's door and knocked impatiently.

Seconds later, the principal threw open the door with a sadistic half-grin on her face. "I knew you wouldn't skip on me," she said, giving one of his ears a sharp tug. Naruto yelped in surprise, swatting at her hand in an effort to make it magically disappear.

Tsunade invited him in without further disruption. He let his heavy backpack fall to the tiled floor with a thud. The two of them took their respective seats and Tsunade began what Naruto expected to be a long monologue.

"Now, Naruto," Tsunade cleared her throat, "I have three things I want you to deliver-"

"WHAT?" Naruto gaped, "You said I only had to take one!"

"Well," she said smugly, "now it's three." Before Naruto could object, the principal resumed her directions, "It is very important that these things are delivered as soon as possible, and to the right places. In other words," she assumed a mean look, "don't screw up."

Naruto eyed her warily. "Sure."

The principal's face brightened somewhat. "Right," she said. "The first one is for a guy named Dan," she grinned suddenly, "and as you get to his house, I want you to drop the box, ring the doorbell, and RUN!"

Naruto was taken aback. "Is he dangerous? He asked disbelievingly. Maybe that was the reason she wanted him to be her little errand boy…

Tsunade chuckled, "No, brat. I just don't want him to see you. Think of it as a sort of ding-dong-ditch game, hn?"

Naruto flashed a toothy, vulpine smile. Now this was getting interesting.

"The second one," she paused thoughtfully, "Actually, I want you to deliver that one last. You should probably get rid of the third one as soon as you can. Right after you drop off the first one."

Naruto didn't ask questions.

"Well anyway, that one's for a cranky old girl named Chiyo. She might try to scare you off, but I want you to stay. Try to talk to her. She might look like a grumpy old toad on the outside, but I'm sure she'd be more than happy if you stopped by and nagged for a cup of tea with her."

Naruto screwed up his face. "But I don't like tea, and old ladies scare me!"

Tsunade smiled lopsidedly, "Well, you're going to. And don't you dare be disrespectful to her. She can get mighty nasty if you don't add the right suffix after her name."

"She won't make me look at pictures of her grandkids, will she?" Naruto asked disdainfully.

Tsunade was awfully quiet after that. Her smile faded a little and she leaned back in her chair. "No," she stated simply, "I don't think you'll have to worry about that."

Naruto tilted his head a little, but again, he didn't ask questions.

"Just talk to her a while. And remember, I want you to visit her last. Deliver the third one as soon as you get that package to Dan," she demanded.

"Okay…" Naruto sighed. This was going to be too much work. "And the third one?"

"The third one…" Tsunade shuffled around in one of her steel desk drawers. Naruto sat straighter and leaned forward in his chair, trying to see what she was looking for. After forever, she withdrew a small, shiny, black, wooden box with a red engraving at on the lid. Naruto squinted at the design and leaned in closer.

It looked sort of like a red cloud.

"This, I want you to get rid of as soon as you can," she tapped at the wood with a delicately painted fingernail. "I want you to drop it on the porch, and then I want you to get out of there." She stared long and hard at the Uzumaki, unnerving him greatly. "Don't even ring the bell. Tip-toe up the steps, drop it, and run. Don't let anyone see you," she warned.

She then smiled a grim smile. "Just another ding-dong-ditch game, but without the doorbell, okay?"

Naruto nodded meekly. All these mysterious boxes.

He smiled.

And he was going to peek in every single one.

"And another thing," she added carefully, "This isn't my box, so I don't want you to open it."

Reading his mind like it was a friggin' Dick and Jane book.

She nodded to him. "No matter how much you want to, don't open it. Got it?"

He gave her an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

Tsunade grinned reassuringly and shuffled around in her various cabinets while explaining further. "Good, now the first one's in Konoha, not far from where you live, I'm sure. The second one's in Suna. That shouldn't bother you, seeing as it nearly borders your house and you walk around with Gaara every single day." She hefted a medium-sized box wrapped with red paper and finished with a white ribbon onto her desk. After that, she whipped out a paper package and tossed it beside the gift-wrapped box.

"The third is in the Sound district, so you'll have to do some walking. Remember to drop that one off soon, even though it might be slightly inconvenient. Here," she said, clicking her black pen and ripping a sticky-note off of her notepad, "I'll write the address down for you…"

"Wait a sec," said Naruto quickly, "I thought you said it wasn't your box!"

Tsunade glared at him. She silently averted her suddenly cold eyes back to her purple sticky-note. "The guy who dropped it off left me an address," she mumbled as she scribbled out a few short lines on the colorful scrap of paper.

Naruto frowned. Why wasn't this mysterious person handing it out himself? Maybe it was a love note to somebody. Or maybe it was a ring. Or maybe it was a letter-bomb…

He shuddered.

No.

Just no.

Tsunade would _never _make him do something that wasn't safe. Sure she could be mean, but she wasn't a killer.

Right?

Right…?

"You okay over there?" the principal was staring at him.

Naruto snapped out of it and blinked a few times. "What?" he asked apologetically. He didn't understand what she was getting at.

"Your face is white," she snickered, "Are you scared?"

Naruto hesitated. To tell the truth, or not to tell the truth? "Kinda'," he half-lied. He hated to admit it, and it surprised him. He was mortified.

"You'll be okay," she winked at him, "trust me."

Naruto rolled his eyes. No, he was _not_ going to be okay. He had to deliver a creepy black box and talk to an old lady in what was supposed to be his free time! This was NOT okay!

Tsunade seemed to be reading him once again. She shook her head. "Relax," she said coolly, "I'm sure that if you do everything I said, and do it right, you'll be fine."

Naruto didn't like it. There were some awfully fishy things happening lately. He didn't want to take part in any of said fishy things. He liked his life the way it was. The way it was supposed to be. He didn't need any other interesting things to bother him.

Speaking of interesting things…

"Hey, old lady Tsunade?" He said rather rudely.

The corner of the principal's lips curled upward and a wry stare found its way into her eyes. "Who're you calling old, brat?" she said, halfheartedly tossing an old paperweight at Naruto.

Naruto dodged rather easily. "When's the news normally start?" he asked curiously. He wanted more than Sasuke's opinion on the matter, so he decided to come to the principal. She seemed to know everything about everything anyway, so why not ask her?

"Why do you ask?" she wondered, relaxing back into her chair again.

"I just got a new TV," he said offhandedly.

Well, he wasn't lying. He really did get a TV, but that wasn't the reason. She didn't have to know that though.

"Well," she said, thinking, "there's one broadcast at seven in the morning, one at noon, and another one in the evening at six."

Naruto frowned. "There's nothing at four?" he asked incredulously.

Tsunade frowned. "No," she said, "why?"

"Oh nothing," he lied. He tried to look like he didn't care, but he was rather ruffled-up on the inside.

Two people now.

Two people who denied the existence of a four-o-clock news broadcast. It didn't make any sense. He had hoped to disprove Sasuke's theory, but so far, he wasn't getting anywhere.

But…

Tsunade probably didn't have all the awesome stuff his uncle did. She probably just had regular old cable.

So she didn't know.

At least… he thought she didn't.

Who was another person with a television? There was Gaara, but Yashamaru refused to pay the cable bills. Gaara told him that his guardian said if they wanted cable, they had to pay for it with their own money. Kankuro and Temari had to do that. Gaara didn't have a job yet. And, Naruto figured, he wouldn't have to get one. He could intimidate them into paying for it without breaking a sweat.

Gaara was magical that way.

So who, then, could he ask?

Iruka didn't watch TV, and Kakashi, well… Naruto wouldn't go asking Kakashi for anything. He got the feeling that the health teacher had much more important things to do.

Who then?

Neji?

…

Neji!

He'd ask Neji! The Hyuga had to have a kickass cable thingy of some sort. He was definitely rich enough, wasn't he?

Bingo.

Naruto would have nothing to worry about.

And then he could show Sasuke and then Sasuke would have no choice but to not be mad at him anymore and…

Gah!

He was thinking about Sasuke again!

Not thinking about Sasuke. Not thinking about Sasuke. Not thinking about Sasuke. Not thinking about Sasuke. Not thinking about Sasuke.

…

Dammit!

"You still worried about your boyfriend?" Tsunade asked snidely.

"Stop doing that!" Naruto groaned. Tsunade only laughed. "Doing what?" she asked, tapping at the mysterious black box again. Naruto grabbed his hair and tugged on it with both of his fists. "You're reading my mind! Stop it!"

Tsunade only ginned in her peculiarly superior way. "It's all over your face, hun. Sort of like when a baby smears spaghetti sauce all over _its_ face."

Naruto blushed a little and leered uncomfortably at the principal. "Am I that obvious?"

Tsunade guffawed. "Like a tower in a trailer park," she snickered.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at her and crossed his arms childishly.

Tsunade quickly changed the subject, pushing the wrapped objects of various sizes further forward on her desk. "You'd better get going, or you won't make it home before the sun goes down."

"Oh," Naruto blinked. He forgot about that. Then he had another revelation. "I should call my mom."

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "I suppose so," she said. "Better use my phone. Right over there." She lazily pointed in the direction of a small phone situated on the other side of her desk.

Naruto thanked her for the use of her phone and dialed his number. As the phone on the other end rang, he glanced anxiously at Tsunade. The principal smiled knowingly. "Don't mind me, Uzumaki. I won't pay attention, 'kay?"

Naruto nodded apprehensively. He didn't particularly enjoy being eavesdropped on.

Especially not by Tsunade.

She was creepy.

"Uzumaki residence," Kyuubi's scratchy voice drawled. Naruto smiled into the phone. He'd have to make this good. He realized that his mom probably didn't feel the best about letting him wander around town by himself. Not after all that spy business.

"Hey, mom!" Naruto piped up enthusiastically.

"Naruto?" Kyuubi's voice questioned, "where are you?"

"Umm, still at school," he stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

There was a pause. "How come you didn't call me earlier?"

"Uh, I was talking to the principal and-"

"The principal? Naruto, are you in trouble?"

"No! I'm not! Well, I was. But I'm not! I mean… Augh!" Naruto growled frustratedly.

"Tell me what you called me to tell me," Kyuubi commanded.

"Okay. Well, I got in trouble with Iruka yesterday and I-"

"Iruka? That pushover from theatre camp? That wuss? Wow. And all this time I thought he didn't have any balls-"

"Mom!"

"What?"

Naruto growled in embarrassment and glanced at Tsunade, who snorted in suppressed laughter and turned her back to him.

"Stop!"

"What? Your pussy principal breathing down your neck or something?"

"Moooommm…"

"Right, right. Go on."

Naruto sighed in relief. He told her about his situation and his cruel and unusual punishment. Kyuubi didn't interrupt, but Naruto could tell she didn't like what she was hearing. "So, mom," he twirled a strand of his short, golden hair around his finger, "I'm not going to be gone long. I'll be back before dinner, I promise."

"Well, okay," she hesitated, "but are you sure you don't want a ride?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "No, mom. I'll be fine. Besides, that's cheating."

She sighed a long, strenuous sigh. "Alright, but if you don't make it home by eight, you're grounded. No TV, no friends, no nothing. I'm not even going to let you see Sasuke. Got it?"

Naruto groaned.

She just _had_ to remind him.

"Mmkay. I promise I'll be home by then. Bye."

"Be safe."

"Yeah, whatever."

"I mean it."

"I will! I promise! I won't even stub my toe. 'Kay?"

"'Kay. Love you. Bye."

Naruto let her hang up the phone first. He clicked it back into its place on its little platform and scooped the three packages into his backpack.

Twenty minutes later, Naruto was at his first house. It was a plain, unexciting little house, sided with average-sized wood shingles, with an average-sized set of steps and identical windows on either side of an uninteresting wooden door.

Regardless, it was still nicer than his.

As he stood there, looking at it and risking being seen by this mysterious 'Dan,' he wondered why the hell he had to pick Wednesday to piss off Iruka. Now he was out delivering boxes to people he didn't know.

He scowled and let out a long sigh.

Brilliant.

He dragged his backpack over to the seclusion of a mediocrely kept hedge. He sifted around for that special gift-wrapped box. Brushing his fingertips against its smooth surface, he recognized it and withdrew it instantly. The blonde flipped it over, searching for the tag. Finding it, he scanned it briefly before poking his head out from behind the hedge.

The addresses matched.

Joy.

He furtively tucked it beneath his arm and slipped past the hedge. Naruto glanced back and forth, hoping not to get caught. He hid behind a tree in the front yard for a moment or two, before sneakily slithering up the steps and dropping the package at the door. The little fox didn't waste his time. He rang that doorbell.

And ran.

He raced past the tree and around the corner, disappearing behind the hedge. He forced himself to breathe through his nose, trying his hardest to be silent.

God.

This was _fun!_

He held his breath as the sound of a door creaking open reached his ears. He bit his tongue to suppress the inevitable fit of giggling that he was prone to fall into at any moment.

"Hello?" a questioning male voice came, undeniably that of this 'Dan' fellow. He sounded nice. Why was Tsunade playing a trick on him?

Because she was the devil.

Naruto rolled his eyes.

He found a hole in the hedge and decided to take a peek. From his vantage point, he could see a man with long, bleached hair. He had now discovered the box that had been in Naruto's backpack for the longest time. He seemed to be eyeing it suspiciously.

Funny, Naruto thought. Had Tsunade played tricks on him before? Maybe that was why he was so cautious.

Bitch!

Mean, evil, Satan teacher…

Naruto was going to have to grill her for answers when he got the time.

Dan took one last look around. Naruto ducked so he wouldn't see him. After a while, he sighed, apparently not seeing anyone, and picked the package up. Naruto peeked out of the hedge just in time to see him close the creaky door behind him.

Mission one complete.

Now how to get the other two out of his hair.

He glanced at his pack. He supposed he'd have to walk all the way over to the Sound district in order to drop the really creepy box off.

Really.

Creepy.

Box.

Those were the only three words that could possibly describe it. It wasn't odd, mysterious, wondrous, or intriguing.

It was creepy.

Really creepy.

A really creepy box.

Naruto could only wonder what could be inside it. Maybe it wasn't anything bad. Maybe the guy gave it to Tsunade because it was an engagement ring that he was too embarrassed to give to his girlfriend himself. That sounded possible enough. Maybe it was another prank, like the one Tsunade just played on that poor 'Dan' guy.

Maybe that was why she didn't want him checking it. Because there were bouncy, coiled, fake snakes in it, waiting to spring out at whoever opened it.

Naruto snatched his backpack up and began walking down the street like nothing happened. He supposed there was a bus station somewhere near. Maybe he could cheat a little and take the bus across town. Maybe he could catch himself a taxi. He had a few dollars he kept in his pockets just in case.

Something in Naruto told him that he couldn't do any of those things. Maybe it was his conscience. He wasn't sure. Whatever it was, it was telling him that he couldn't risk being seen or recognized by anyone. Taxi drivers, mainly. A taxi driver was bound to wonder why a kid from Konoha with an oddly full backpack wanted to go wandering around in the Sound district.

It wasn't particularly dangerous, like the Mist. The most dangerous thing about it was that it was strange. It was full of strange people who did strange things for a living. It was also well known that the people who lived there had a strange obsession with music.

Gaara told him once that their lives revolved around the creation and manipulation of noise.

That was just a stereotype.

There _had_ to be normal people there. It was like Konoha and Suna were the only normal districts. Naruto told himself that it was probably because he had grown up in those two districts.

He came to the conclusion that the city he lived in was like a miniature world. All the different districts were continents, each equipped with their own people, customs, ideas, and stereotypes. People from one district hated people from another, but loved people from yet another. Gaara once told him that Suna and Sound both hated Konoha, and were united in their dislike of it. Come to think of it, not many other districts liked Konoha very much. It was too big and flashy, Gaara had said, and all the incredibly rich people who lived there liked to make it even bigger and flashier.

No one hated a rich man more than a poor, jealous one.

Hah!

Naruto was defending his district without even realizing it. It was sort of like school spirit. If the other school was winning a debate competition, and he knew they were right, he'd cheer for his own team anyway.

That was life.

Half an hour later, Naruto was feeling rather out of place. Here he was, in his bright clothes and shimmering blonde hair, among some of the darkest, dingiest houses he had ever seen. They weren't necessarily condemned-looking, but they were, well, dark.

Small, gloomily-painted buildings.

And all of them looked more or less the same.

Naruto wondered how the hell he was going to find the one house addressed on Tsunade's note. He tiredly swung his backpack off to one shoulder and sifted through it for the offending scrap of paper. He withdrew it, and the box attached to it, and scanned the address.

It was a box for a man named Orochimaru. Tsunade told him that Naruto would know the house when he saw it. It was supposed to be rather large and extravagant. Naruto looked around. All he saw were a bunch of little, grayish houses.

What was it she told him to do again? Ah, yes. Follow Main Avenue five blocks after the run-down brick building appeared, then turn left and follow the road three more blocks, and then turn right and there it was, at the end of the dead-end street.

As Naruto looked around, he became convinced that 'dead-end' was indeed the proper word. Everything around him seemed a little sickly.

So, where was Naruto now? He was one block away from turning left.

He put the note back in his bag before starting off again. A block later, he turned and followed the next road. His eyes shifted back and forth, trying to pick up any movement from the seemingly dead houses. He saw one shadow walk past a window, and that was it.

No one was outside. By the looks of things, no one was inside either. Odd, Naruto thought. Sure, the adults of this neighborhood might have still been at work, but they had to have kids, right?

Naruto frowned.

Maybe this was just another old people area. He shuddered. Boy, these were some creepy old people.

He trotted at a brisk pace around the corner, hoping to see this big house Tsunade described to him. As he swung around a lamppost, he stopped dead in his tracks.

He blinked rapidly.

…

Well, shit.

That house wasn't big at all.

It was huge.

Directly down the road was a great, gothic mansion. That was putting it lightly. It had a huge yard, iron fencing, and two nasty-looking gargoyles standing watch in front of a gigantic pair of doors. The sheer morbid extravagance of it all made Naruto wonder who could possibly have lived in such a place. It also made him wonder what the hell could be in that little black box.

He had completely ruled it out as being a box of snakes or a love letter by now. It had to be something more sinister. Naruto took it out of his backpack, observing it with a critical eye. He had the sudden urge to pop off the little wooden lid and peer inside. He wondered what would meet him. Maybe it was another one of Tsunade's tricks and she _wanted_ him to get curious.

No.

That wasn't it.

The situation seemed to be a little too serious for that.

What was it then? Naruto itched to find out. He yearned to rip off the lid. What was in there that was so important? Naruto wanted to know, dammit! He reminded himself that it was curiosity that killed the cat.

But would it kill a fox?

He glanced around himself once again. There were no shadows peering at him from those dusty windows. For being the Sound district, there was no sound at all. He averted his eyes from the scenery and back to the elusive black box. He wanted to open it.

Taking one last look behind him, he pinched the sides of the lid between his thumb and forefinger and pulled gently. The little lid slipped up a little.

Then, as quickly as he had almost pulled it off, he slammed it down again.

It was like a jolt of electricity. Suddenly, a very bad feeling had come over him. Naruto knew that there was something dangerous inside.

He stuffed the object back in his backpack and left it there.

There was something in that box that he was not meant to see.

----

Kabuto walked aimlessly around the front lawn of Orochimaru-sama's house in the Sound district. He found himself in awe of how well kept it was, despite the fact that he seldom set foot in it.

Why would Orochimaru-sama build a house in the middle of a dingy place like this if he wasn't going to live in it? Kabuto knew why.

He had to remind all the little people in his district where they stood. Yes, this was _his _district. Orochimaru-sama owned everyone and everything his shadow fell on. Kabuto was well aware that the tall, pale man's shadow fell on him quite often.

And he was rather comfortable with it.

Most people would find Orochimaru-sama unnerving. He was a cold, calculating character.

Kabuto didn't mind.

He liked order, and Orochimaru-sama was a very orderly person.

There were people who would call him laid back. And he was. Truth be told, most of the time, he didn't really give a shit.

When it came to his boss, yes, he gave a shit. He didn't particularly enjoy the public's accusations that he treated others inhumanely and disrespectfully. He didn't like the rumors that he was conducting illegal experiments in the basements of his one hundred different houses.

The way Orochimaru-sama saw it, nothing was illegal as long as he didn't get caught. Kabuto agreed.

Kabuto was perfectly fine with his rather unexciting job as Orochimaru-sama's secretary. Anything his boss wanted, he would do it.

Even if it meant supervising the transportation of the furniture he never used into a few over-sized moving vans.

Which, unfortunately, brought him back to the present.

He stood there, tired of walking around, and watched. A few men in blue uniforms were shuffling back and forth, carrying millions of dollars' worth of one-of-a-kind furniture. Every once in a while, a man would glance over at him, and he'd maintain his nice-guy demeanor by smiling back.

Smiling was a mechanical thing for him now. It was just something he needed to do. He was a good person, he thought, and he needed to show it once in a while. Especially for Orochimaru-sama's political welfare.

'Hey there! I'm Orochimaru's secretary! See how happy I am? Orochimaru's not mean and evil. He's a really nice guy. Fancy a cup of tea?'

Three men waddled out the side door with a particularly heavy-looking leather sofa. They all glanced at him like they wanted some sort of help.

Kabuto just smiled and waved.

The men each gave him despairing looks, but they didn't complain.

It was their job.

They couldn't complain.

He glanced down at his watch. Five-thirty-six. Time for him to be bored again. He waved one more time before deciding to take another walk. He trotted over the spongy grass that made up Orochimaru-sama's front lawn. He was nearly halfway across it, when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He walked backward one step and peered through his glasses at a figure beyond the fence.

It was a person. A girl, by the looks of it. He tilted his head and squinted. Funny. He didn't remember anyone who looked like that in Orochimaru-sama's neighborhood. Maybe she was lost. She was looking to her right and left and every once in a while checking behind her. She also held a little backpack protectively to her chest.

Hmm…

Lost and paranoid.

She certainly seemed like someone from the Sound's general area.

Perhaps he could help her out.

She didn't seem to see him, as her eyes were too busy darting off to the side. Kabuto put on the best happy face he had and sauntered up to the fence. "Can I help you?" he asked in his harmless secretary voice.

The little blonde girl nearly had a heart attack, it seemed. She jumped two feet in the air and shrieked, landing in a very awkward pose. One foot was flat on the ground, and another was in the air, toes pointed. One hand was over her head and the other was at her side, both elbows bent in a rigid way.

Kabuto's smile widened. "Over here!" he called, waving disarmingly. The girl stared at him with wide, blue eyes. Kabuto noticed with honest mirth that there were little whisker marks on her cheeks. Probably done with a sharpie. He laughed a little. It kind of made her look like a baby fox.

She looked at a loss of what to do. She stared at him with undisguised surprise.

"You look lost," Kabuto pointed out, "come over here and maybe I can help you!"

The little girl vigorously shook her head.

Kabuto frowned a bit. Stubborn little thing, wasn't she? "Why not?" he asked in feigned hurt. He really was intrigued by the little fox girl. She seemed so out of place. Such a bright little thing in such a gloomy little world.

The girl stood there like a deer in headlights.

Kabuto mentally sighed. He was going to have to resort to desperate measures. "Oh come ooonnn!" he whined.

She still stood there, planted in the ground like a miniature tree. Kabuto climbed to the top of the fence, mindful of the spikes at the end of the posts, and lazily slouched over it. He was trying his best to look generally young and harmless, but she wasn't taking the bait.

Bait?

Was he really trying to lure her in and catch her?

Hmm…

Maybe he was more easily read than he thought. He wasn't really going to kidnap her and question her, was he? He just wanted to know whether or not she was lost.

"Who are you?" the little girl finally spoke with suspicion clear in her voice.

Kabuto smiled, resting his head on his arms and swinging his legs like an innocent kid. "Kabuto," he said, waiting for the recognition of his name. Everyone in or around the Sound district knew him as Orochimaru-sama's secretary. If she was from the area, she'd probably scream and run.

She did neither of the two.

"Kabuto who?" she asked, tilting her adorable head to the side.

How cuuuuute!

"Yakushi Kabuto," he grinned. The blonde seemed more confident in herself now. She looked one way, then the other, and then walked up the street. She was looking up at him from the grass outside the fence now. Kabuto offered her a hand to shake.

She looked it over, then looked up at him again. "Hand shake?" he asked playfully, opening his palm to her.

She smiled sheepishly. "Oh! For a second I thought you wanted to help me climb over that fence."

And she didn't want to climb over the fence? Interesting.

"Nope. Unless you want me to," he added carefully.

"No thanks," she declined with a polite shake of the head.

Oh? So she really didn't want to climb the fence. Was it because she still didn't trust him, or she didn't trust the building behind him? He noticed that she was also being very quiet, almost as if she didn't want to be noticed.

"So what's your name?" he inquired. Normally he wouldn't have asked, but he was interested to see her reaction.

Just as he thought, she hesitated. She shuffled around and swung her backpack behind her. "Maureen," she said.

Kabuto knew she was lying.

While she was hesitating, he noticed a little tag on one of the zippers of her pack. It said 'Uzumaki Naruto' in little black letters. He mentally scowled.

_Uzumaki…?_

"That's a nice name," he replied as happily as ever. He shifted in his place on the fence, swinging his legs again. "So, are you lost or something?"

She hesitated again, giving him an uncertain look. God, was she ever cautious.

"Actually…" she twiddled her fingers, "Is there someone named 'Orochimaru' around here?"

Orochimaru-_sama._

"This is his house," Kabuto replied cheerfully.

Someone named Orochimaru? _Someone _named Orochimaru? Kabuto successfully concluded that she wasn't from anywhere near here. Did she get out much? His name was on TV every day and was synonymous with 'slime,' 'liar,' and 'conspiracy.'

"I have something for him," she whispered, reaching behind her and rummaging around in her backpack.

Kabuto raised an eyebrow.

Well, wasn't this special.

This 'Naruto' person was getting more and more interesting. She had a present for his boss, and she had a last name that sounded peculiarly familiar.

Uzumaki…

Japanese for whirlpool, the 'at' sign, and a swirl-shaped topping for ramen.

A swirl.

Where did he see a swirl before?

He was promptly cut off as something small and black came into his line of vision and hit him in the nose. "This is what she wanted me to give him!" the little girl babbled hurriedly.

She? Did Orochimaru-sama have a secret admirer of some sort? He scowled and took the box in his hands. He held it at a length from his face, turning it over and over. It was a polished black wooden thing. Suddenly, his fingers ran across a few ridges on one of its sides. The top. He turned it over again and squinted curiously at a red mark on the lid.

A red cloud.

His blood ran cold.

"Hey Maureen, where'd you get this?" he asked, looking down from the box.

He blinked. He had allowed himself to become distracted.

And now the little girl was nowhere to be seen.

----

Holy shit that was horrible!

Naruto bounded over another fence and hid behind a garbage can. He wiped the sweat off of his forehead. Jeez! For a second there, he thought he was going to be picked up and smote by the hand of GAWD!

Someone saw him!

That Kabuto guy saw him! He _never _should've walked straight up the road. He _never _should've made Iruka mad. Hell, he never should've finished middle school. Then nothing like this would've happened in the first place!

At least he didn't die.

He sighed with relief.

And Kabuto didn't seem dangerous at all. In fact, he seemed _nice._ The last thing he expected in this part of town was 'nice.'

Sensing he was in no immediate danger, Naruto pushed himself up, dusted himself off, grabbed his backpack, and headed to Suna.

Twenty minutes later, there he was. He stopped by Gaara's house for a glass of water and a comfy chair. His feet were killing him.

He struck up a conversation between Gaara and himself about the things that he'd encountered. Gaara seemed deeply interested in Kabuto.

"So what did this guy look like?" he asked from the couch in the living room.

Naruto sipped the coffee that Yashamaru had brewed up for him a minute ago. He shrugged his shoulders. "Well, he had white hair and black eyes I think. Sort of like Kakashi."

"Mmm," Gaara sighed thoughtfully.

Naruto took another sip of coffee. He watched the TV screen intently. There was some kind of military history segment on. Some guy who did something and had fun.

"Did he have glasses?" the redhead asked suddenly.

Naruto turned to look at him. The silent boy was transfixed on the glowing television screen, his head resting in his hand. The blonde turned back around and took another sip from the ceramic mug. "Yeah," he said, "why?"

"Nothing," Gaara's incredibly calm voice hummed.

Naruto all but slammed his coffee mug down on Gaara's wooden end table. He was irritated. He got the feeling that the people who called themselves his friends were keeping secrets from him.

Out of his peripheral vision he saw Gaara give him a look before fixing his eyes on the screen again.

Naruto rolled his eyes.

"What?" the redhead mumbled.

"I just get the feeling that people aren't telling me stuff," he sighed exasperatedly, "It makes me mad."

"Hm," Gaara murmured into his hand. And that was all he had to say about that.

That was it? Hm? Naruto was _not _satisfied. He had the feeling Gaara knew he wasn't going to be very happy with that answer. He stayed quiet about it though. There was no use in pressing Gaara for answers that he wasn't going to give.

Naruto downed the rest of his coffee. "I gotta' go," he grumbled around the burning in his throat.

"So who're you going to see next?" the redhead asked.

Naruto only gave him the evil eye. "Why should I tell you?" he asked rudely.

"Because you're in my house, you drank my coffee, and if I want to, I can kick your ass."

"Gaara!" Yashamaru scolded from the kitchen. The addressed smiled smugly. Naruto couldn't help but smile with him.

"What did I tell you about using profanity in the house?" he asked scornfully.

"Don't do it?" Gaara snickered. Naruto fought back a few laughs too.

Yashamaru's face appeared in the archway to the kitchen. "Do you think your mother would approve of that?"

Gaara's smirk now didn't reach his eyes. Naruto watched silently as Gaara looked behind him at his guardian. "You know, Yashamaru?" he began, that ironic smile still on his lips, "I really don't think she gives a fuck."

Gaara's guardian blinked a few times and looked as if he were about to say something, but thought better of himself and withdrew into the kitchen.

"You're so mean," Naruto chided.

"So I am," Gaara admitted, picking up the remote and channel surfing.

After a moment of awkward silence, Naruto picked up his backpack and headed for the door. He thanked Yashamaru for the coffee. It really was getting colder outside faster recently.

He was about to walk out when Gaara showed up again. "I'll call your mom for you." He said quietly.

Naruto smiled, "Thanks. I'm sure she's having a mental breakdown wondering where I am."

Gaara nodded distantly. "So who is it that you're visiting next?" he asked.

Naruto searched his mind. What was her name? Some old lady whose name began with a 'C.' Ch-something-or-other. He took his backpack off once again and dug around in it for the brown envelope. He withdrew it, glanced at it, then put it back.

"Some Chiyo lady," he replied.

Gaara's eyes widened slightly. "Chiyo-baa-san?" He asked disbelievingly.

Naruto eyed him curiously. "Yeah, something like that. Is she scary?"

Gaara sighed and shook his head. "I've seen her before," he grumbled.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he asked, intrigued, "what's she like?" He was mildly surprised when Gaara wrinkled his nose and squinted in disgust. "Yashamaru made me go to her house every week for etiquette lessons."

Naruto's eyes twitched. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. She tied me to a chair with a scarf. Something about me having bad posture. Then she taught me how to _wave _at people. As if there's any right way to wave."

"Like you'd wave to anyone anyway."

"Yeah. Made me drink tea too."

"Good tea?"

"No. It's God awful. What's more, I hear she's mad. Puts poison in her tea. Watch out. If it smells like almonds, don't drink it."

"Er… thanks."

"You're welcome."

Naruto waved goodbye and walked out the door. He glared accusingly at the brown paper envelope as he withdrew it from his backpack. Tsunade just told him she was strict.

Judging from what Gaara had just told him, she was insane.

And since when was Gaara wrong?

Never.

Naruto walked just a few blocks away from the redhead's house to find a rather secluded place sitting at the very back of an unusually long front yard. The house was sided with old, sun-bleached, wooden shingles. It was surrounded by a brown picket fence, which Naruto assumed was once white. There were small white paint chips still clinging to the sides of the planks.

What surprised Naruto was a small, orderly garden in the corner of the yard nearest the house. There weren't many flowers. It was mostly green, viney, leafy stuff.

After a while of sitting and doing nothing, Naruto decided to go in. He reached over the gate and unlatched it, easily pushing it aside on its rusty hinges. He walked warily up the cobblestone path to Chiyo's front door. As he did so, he wondered what to call her. Chiyo-baa-san seemed a little too familiar. So did Chiyo-chan. Chiyo-san? Maybe.

Chiyo-denka? That ought to give her a heart attack. Or maybe Chiyo-heika.

Naruto shook his head. Flattery wasn't going to get him anywhere.

Maybe he'd just call her Chiyo-sama.

Or Chiyo-shi.

He couldn't decide.

When the wooden door nearly hit him in the forehead, Naruto knew that he needed to pick what he was going to call her. Maybe he'd knock on the door and wait until she answered. Then he'd see what she looked like. He'd decide from there.

He looked up at the door which was inches from his face. He mildly dreaded what he might find beyond that door. Maybe Chiyo really was crazy. Maybe she really _did_ put poison in her tea.

Well, he wasn't going to find out by standing there, was he?

With a loud gulp, he rapped on the door with his knuckles. Then he waited. There didn't seem to be any movement inside the house. Naruto tried to peek in the window, but the blinds were drawn.

He drew the conclusion that the old lady was a complete recluse. She lived back in the trees, as far away from the sidewalk as she could be. She had her whole yard fenced in. She drew her blinds so no one could see her, and she probably didn't want to see anyone else either.

A rattling from the door woke Naruto out of his thoughts.

Oh shit.

The moment of truth.

The tarnished brass doorknob turned, the lock unlatched, the door creaked open and then…

Naruto tried his best not to stare. An old, shrunken lady stood in the doorway, scowling at him through her wrinkles. Naruto blinked. She had so many wrinkles, he could hardly see her eyes. She had a very large mole on her left cheek and Naruto couldn't bring himself to look away.

"What do you want?" the ancient thing croaked.

Naruto blinked a few times to clear his mind. He instantly remembered how Tsunade told him to treat her, regardless of her appearance obviously. He bowed slightly and awkwardly. "Umm… Good evening Chiyo-sama," he struggled with the words.

She peered at him from those dark, empty pits for eyes.

"I, uh, have a package for you."

She leered at him, her mountainous wrinkles growing in number, "Hm. You don't look like a paperboy. Who are you?"

Naruto coughed. He could tell she wasn't exactly happy to see him. He was very ready to ditch Tsunade's orders about staying for tea.

"Uzumaki Naruto, ma'am," he replied, not looking into her eyes. Gawd… they were so deep and ugly and muddy and yuck!

Chiyo snorted at him and Naruto could smell her prehistoric breath in the air. He tried not to gag. "I don't know an Uzumaki. Get out."

Naruto stuttered. "Umm…" he knew Tsunade would kill him if he didn't do what she asked, "Don't you want it?"

"Want what?" she spat irritably.

"Your package," Naruto said pointedly, lifting the envelope out of his backpack and holding it out. The old woman leaned in, as if to inspect it. She let out what Naruto thought was an interested 'hmm.' He _hoped_ it was an interested 'hmm.'

She straightened her creaking back and leered at him again. Naruto perspired under the scrutiny. He didn't like that look one bit.

"Come in," she ordered.

Naruto obeyed. Chiyo hobbled back in the door, wheezing once. Naruto closed the door after her. He sniffed the air curiously. It smelled like old people. Spices, veggies, vintage wines, and God knew what else.

"Sit down," the old bag croaked. Naruto did so. He ran his fingers across the crinkling brown paper of the envelope as he watched the old lady hobble off somewhere. He didn't dare find out where.

More rhyming! It brought a silly gleam into Naruto's eyes.

Spirits lightened somewhat, he glanced around the room. There were plants and handmade, earthy blankets all over the place. There were vases and glass things dangling from potted plants attached to the ceiling. There was a clay figurine sitting all by its lonesome in the corner. The place had a musty, warm, earthy feel to it.

Sort of like living in a nice-looking pile of dirt.

Not that he criticized her interior decorating one bit, but…

The old lady came hobbling back in with a tray of something steaming and foul-smelling.

A great, steaming platter of dog shit.

Naruto bit his tongue to keep himself from laughing.

Chiyo gave him an odd, suspicious look before setting the tray down on her wicker coffee table. Naruto watched as she sat down in what appeared to be slow motion. He wondered how someone could possibly have trouble sitting on their ass. It was so easily done.

"Have some tea," she croaked. Naruto glanced in alarm at the two steaming clay tea mugs.

Was this some cruel shell game or something? Was there poison in one glass and none in the other? Hmm…

Naruto sniffed the air again. What was it that Gaara told him again? Oh yes. Don't drink tea that smells like almonds.

He didn't smell any almonds.

Shit. She was covering it up with something else.

Pick the right one and you won't die…

"Something wrong with my tea?" the old bag spat impatiently. Oh crap. Naruto wasn't exactly being polite. She was going to cook him and eat him. Maybe her house really had a pair of chicken feet and her teeth were made of iron. He was sitting in Baba Yaga's living room.

Naruto laughed nervously. "Sorry," he apologized, not thinking it was going to make much of a difference. He grabbed one of the two mugs, trying not to look picky. Chiyo grabbed the other one.

He sniffed the tea. He still didn't smell any almonds.

Come to think of it, what was this with almonds anyway? Almonds weren't poisonous. Were they? Naruto scrunched up his nose. He knew there was a reason his mom never bought almonds.

"What are you sniffing at?" Chiyo barked, obviously losing her patience with him. Naruto decided to tell the truth. Who knew? It might have made him look better.

"Almonds," he said carefully.

Chiyo scoffed, then erupted in a short fit of gobbling, cackling, choking laughter. Naruto wondered for a second if she was choking on her own spit.

Eew.

"Who told you anything about almonds?" she asked in her gargling voice.

"Umm," Naruto hesitated. Telling the truth seemed to be getting him somewhere, so he stuck with it. "Gaara," he admitted.

"That red-headed brat?" she growled.

Whoops.

Naruto made a mistake.

"Umm, yeah," he scratched his head in embarrassment. He looked over at her. She was holding him in a peculiar stare. "He's your friend?" she asked, taking a sip of her tea. Naruto smiled a bit. He was making considerable progress.

"Yup!" he piped up.

"Brat," she hissed disdainfully.

Whoops.

Strike two.

This old woman was a little more difficult to predict than anyone he'd ever met. He decided to say what seemed to be least logical at the moment, thinking she might like that. He defended his best friend. "He's not so bad. He can be a bit of a jackass sometimes, but…"

Oh crap.

He just swore in front of an old lady. She was going to boot his ass across town for that one.

"Huh," she coughed a little, "boy couldn't even sit straight."

Naruto blinked.

Once again, she seemed to favor what wasn't extremely convenient for him to say or for her to hear. He never understood women.

Naruto glanced at his cup of foul-smelling tea and decided that he was curious and he better take a drink. He raised the cup to his lips and tasted a sip of the bitter tea. The corner of his eye twitched and his nose began to burn.

Shit, that was some crazy-ass tea!

He coughed. It was strong, dammit! He felt like his nose was going to melt and he was going to cry a waterfall.

"Aromatherapy. Clears your head," Chiyo stated while taking another sip of her tea.

'Clears your head' was right. Naruto felt like his brain was emptying through his nose. He grabbed a tissue from the tray and sneezed into it.

He heard Chiyo laughing at him from across the room. "Chiyo-sama," he said politely, "what kind of tea is this?"

"Special," she grumbled.

Ah. So she was protective of her tea recipes. Naruto made a mental note not to go that direction any more.

A few more moments of silence passed. Naruto didn't think it was all that comfortable, but he was afraid of talking out of turn. Normally, he would have scoffed at formalities, but Chiyo was scary. He felt like she'd cook him and eat him if he didn't say the right stuff.

"Potassium cyanide."

Naruto looked up from his mug at Chiyo. What did she just say?

"Potassium cyanide," she said again, "That's what your friend Gaara was talking about."

Naruto tilted his head to the side. "Huh?"

"It's a white powder that dissolves in water. Originally used in separating precious metals from ores. Very poisonous." She said offhandedly.

Naruto still didn't understand what it had to do with almonds. "Is it made of almonds?" he asked dumbly.

Chiyo scowled at him. "It smells like almonds."

"Ah," Naruto said, feeling like nothing short of an idiot.

"What is it that you had for me?" Chiyo asked out of the blue.

Naruto's mind went blank for a second. Then he had an epiphany. The package! He'd nearly forgotten about it. It was lying in his lap, where he'd put it after he grabbed his tea. He picked it up and walked over to her, handing it to her and then walking back.

Her shaky fingers tore the envelope open with some difficulty. She took a few papers out of it and scanned them with squinting eyes. Naruto waited silently. Would she like what the papers said?

"Who gave these to you?" she asked. Naruto didn't sense any anger or frustration in her voice. Then again, she was very difficult to read.

"Tsunade, the principal at my-" he was cut off by a guffaw.

"That slug girl? She's the principal of a school now? Must be an accident. Or maybe they ran out of competent people for the job."

"Er… yeah," Naruto stuttered, not knowing what else to say.

Naruto took another drink of tea. Now that he was used to it, it wasn't all that bad. He took another look around the room as Chiyo read her letters. He noticed with interest that she didn't have any pictures sitting out anywhere.

None.

She was an old lady! She was supposed to have pictures of everything. Naruto never had a grandma, but he read in books that they had photo-albums stacked ceiling high and pictures hung on the walls everywhere.

"How come you don't have any pictures?" Naruto decided to ask.

The old woman stopped scanning the papers temporarily. Naruto pushed further when she didn't answer, "Aren't old ladies supposed to have lots of photos?"

There was a long pause.

"I have a few," she said finally, "but you don't need to go snooping around in them."

Naruto smiled nervously. "Sorry," he said.

"My son was an architect and my daughter was a psychiatrist," she said offhandedly.

Naruto blinked. Okay, she didn't want him to know about her family, so she was going to tell him all about them. He was never going to understand her.

"Was?" he asked carefully.

"Yes," she said, "My son died of a heart attack."

"Oh," Naruto lowered his head meekly, "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

Naruto shut his mouth with a snap.

"He lived recklessly. It was his own fault," Chiyo explained.

Naruto nodded absently. "So…" he wanted her to continue, "What happened to your daughter?"

Chiyo glared at him briefly before returning her eyes to her letters. She shifted a paper into her hands and moved it to the back of the pile. "My grandson happened to her," she said hatefully.

Naruto blinked. What was that supposed to mean?

"My grandson was a brilliant child. He was a wonderful artist. He used to make clay sculptures and puppets."

Naruto's eyes found the little clay figure in the corner that he had noticed earlier. "That was his," Chiyo explained, following his line of vision, "He made it late in high school. It was one of his art projects. The best there was, I imagine."

Naruto nodded to show he was listening.

"He was very passionate about his art. He believed strongly that art was eternal," she scowled, "He had a very odd group of friends. I didn't approve of them at all. He seemed to gravitate to people who were born on the wrong side of the tracks, metaphorically speaking. He was rather anti-social. He didn't like to talk much, but he seemed to take deep pleasure in arguing with a peer of his about art. Both went to the same art school. He knew this boy very well. Too well, I think. What was his name now?"

Chiyo thought for a moment. "Ah yes," her frown deepened, "that 'Deidara.' That thief from Iwagakure. The Earth district. And what was the name of that other boy?"

Her frown deepened further. "There were a lot of evil people he seemed to love, but there was one I'd met before. My grandson met him through his mother. This boy went to her regularly for psychiatric treatment. That weasel. Itachi was his name."

Itachi?

"Uchiha Itachi?" Naruto gasped.

"Yes," Chiyo replied. "The one who eventually murdered his own family. I doubt his younger brother is in a better mental state either."

She just poked a sore spot. He might have been peeved at Sasuke for the moment, but putting him on the same level as his brother was a sin. Naruto frowned fiercely.

"Sasuke's not a murderer," Naruto growled.

Chiyo looked up from her mail. "Hm," she snorted, "and how do you know?"

Naruto gritted his teeth. "I don't know. I have faith in him though. I don't think he's going to come to school with a sawed-off shotgun anytime soon."

Chiyo snorted again. "Faith is a belief in something for which you have no concrete evidence. Itachi was obsessive. His brother is no different." She glanced at Naruto, "do you know what Itachi obsessed about?"

Naruto eyed her warily. "No," he admitted.

"Torture. Death. All the people my grandson knew were in love with death. It rubbed off on him. Like that weasel, Itachi, he fell in love with it too. Death, combined with my grandson's view of art, is a terrible thing."

Naruto listened carefully.

"You want to know what he did to my daughter and her husband?"

No.

"He killed them and embalmed them. He cut them apart and put them back together again with strings. He made them into puppets." She coughed, "He wanted them to last forever."

Naruto fought the urge to throw up. What kind of sick person would kill their own parents, then dry them out and make fucking _puppets_ out of them?

"Your dear Sasuke is obsessed with death as well," Chiyo commented smugly, "and so is Gaara."

Naruto frowned at her. She was digging a little deep here.

"Sasuke wants so badly to avenge his family, and Gaara is spiteful of all that lives." Chiyo coughed again, "they will meet the same fate as Itachi and my grandson."

Naruto didn't like her assumptions. They weren't true. Sure, Sasuke hated his brother, but that didn't mean he was obsessed. Gaara had a reason to hate every living, breathing thing in the world, Naruto was sure.

"What happened to your grandson anyway?" Naruto asked with a mix of curiosity and irritability.

"He became an evil man. He became an Akatsuki assassin. He embalmed the bodies of everyone he killed. At the young age of twenty, he was betrayed by one of his own. He was shot dead in an alley by his own bullet."

Naruto had an apprehensive feeling about all this. "What was his name?" he asked warily.

Chiyo bowed her head.

"I no longer use his name. It's a disgrace. Instead, I call him by the name he preferred over his given name. It was the name the Akatsuki gave him."

Naruto waited impatiently. Iruka told him something about an Akatsuki betrayal. Maybe her grandson was the guy they killed.

"They called him the Scorpion of the Red Sand."

----

Me: -dies from anxiety for, like, the billionteenth time-

Chibi Sasuke: -raises eyebrow-

Chibi Iruka: You know, Swirly, you should really pace yourself if writing wears you out so much.

Me: Can't –wheeze- disappoint –wheeze- fans! –cough-

Chibi Itachi: -appears out of nowhere, hands Sasuke a tomato, and pokes him in the forehead-

Chibi Sasuke: Lawmigawd! –faints-

Chibi Sakura: Nuuuuuu! –swats at Itachi-

Chibi Itachi: -bitch-slaps Sakura and disappears in a cloud of spiffy red smoke-

Chibi Sakura: -dies because Itachi's just so damn cool-

Me: Holy Gawd! There were so many things that kept me from updating! They're called my parents! First I go camping, then they ground me, then they make me go to school…

Chibi Gaara: As you can tell, Swirl-chan's having a bad time. Cut her some slack? Slack is appreciated.

Me: Yes! Reviews are appreciated too. I like reviews. Especially warm, fuzzy ones. I like to snuggle with those. My mom spins them into yarn and makes me pillows out of them.

Chibi Gaara: When you review, Swirl-chan wants your opinion on something. Do you think she should go through and edit all the little bugs in her chapters for you? You know, since fanfic is a whore?

Me: Yeah. That might be fun… kinda…

Chibi Naruto: But who cares what she thinks. Swirly is your pleasure slave. You tell her what to do and she'll do it! And if she doesn't do it right, you can always give her a little slap on the ass…

Chibi Iruka: NARUTO!

Chibi Naruto: Only kidding!

Me: Yeah. Do your stuff. Review and tell me what I need to do. And I… -sniffs the air- Did someone just wash the floor with pine-sol?

Chibi Naruto: Not me.

Chibi Neji: Not me. –sniffs air- Gaara?

Chibi Gaara: Hm?

Chibi Neji: Wherever I go, it smells like lemons.

Chibi Gaara: -sniffs, then moves into another room- Yeah! Same here!

Me: Then the lemony smell must be coming from…

Chibi Naruto: HOMIGEEZITSYOU!

Chibi Gaara: Well I'll be damned. Neji, we smell like lemons.

Chibi Naruto: -le-gasp- a clue?

Me: Hmmm… Neji and Gaara both reek of lemony freshness. Is it a sign? What day is it tomorrow?

Chibi Naruto: Wednesday.

Me: In the fanfic, you moron!

Chibi Naruto: Oh! Umm… Friday!

Me: Homijeezus…

Chibi Gaara:3

Chibi Neji:3

Me: Oh l0rd… well, um… have fun. Safe, clean fun. Use a condom and stuff. And as for you reviewers, review, review, review!


	16. 16: Damned if you don't

**Jlh!!!**

(Like, holy le-crap. I discovered Death Note on my birthday. It's all L's fault I haven't updated in forever. All L's fault.)

**Disclaimer: **(I don't own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?)Holy Gawd! I have, like, three hundred friggin' reviews!

Chibi Naruto: Umm… that wasn't a disclaimer, Swirly…

Me: But it's fucking true!

Chibi Iruka: Er… Please refrain from using profanity in my presence.

Me: Boo!

Chibi Iruka: EEEEE! –runs away-

Chibi Naruto: Cool!

Me: nn

Chibi Gaara: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Though only about one of you really answered Swirly's question… But you don't need to! She'll just keep on writing!

Me: Hwaaa! Yussha! I keep writing, you keep reviewing, and the world keeps turning, yes?

Chibi Naruto: And, rest assured, you die-hard yaoi fans, there is nothing implied about ANYTHING in this fanfic!

Chibi Neji: You get to see it all. Not that I mind, of course…

Me: -sinister lightning strike- Mwaaahahaha!

Chibi Gaara: Right, well, I know Neji and I will have lots of fun. Lots of fun. –sparkle- Now… how to get Swirly's parents out of the house…

Me: Meh. It was my birthday on September sixth. Imma get a laptop.

Chibi Gaara: Well, that's one way to solve a problem…

Me: Yuppa! On with the fic!

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, relax, and ENJOY.

**---WARNING: Lemons ahead. Don't like, don't read. (I thought I should do one of these :3.)**

**J L H 16**

And they walked into school on Monday with smiles on their faces.

Haw!

No.

Got you, yes?

Lawl.

I've had too much sugar. Don't mind me. Need to wind down. Perhaps I should start writing again in a few hours or so…

----

Naruto had barely gotten himself through German class, and now he was on the verge of crying in Geometry. Zabuza had assigned another one of his insanely long worksheets for the class to do and Naruto didn't want to do it. However, if he didn't complete this assignment, he would almost certainly end up hanging by his toes again.

And he'd get hit with markers again.

He sighed.

He was past being angry at Haku for that.

After all, who knew what Zabuza would do to him if he declined? Probably stick him in a meat locker. Naruto rolled his eyes.

What a day he was having.

Naruto stared down at his worksheet that was, for the most part, completely devoid of pencil marks. He scribbled his name and the answer to the first question before he gave up. He slumped, defeated on his desk and prayed to God that class would end soon.

The sooner the better.

Zabuza was probably going to catch him and throw a fucking whiteboard marker at him.

Speak of the devil.

Naruto sat bolt upright as something brittle and small hit him squarely in the back of the head. He didn't dare look back. He knew the sadistic math teacher was lurking in his corner, twirling another marker in his fingers and waiting to strike. He massaged the back of his scalp regretfully and tried to look like he was focusing on his homework.

_Tried._

He tapped his pencil on the paper and scribbled endlessly on its white space.

"Four."

Naruto blinked, head whipping from side to side. Who was that? Something poked him on the shoulder and he whirled around apprehensively. Long hair brushed past Naruto's nose as the person behind him leaned back to avoid being hit.

It was Haku.

Said boy smiled disarmingly and flashed a quick peace sign with his free hand. "The answer to number two is four," he explained. Naruto nodded enthusiastically, then glanced over Haku's shoulder and rolled his eyes in the direction of the perpetually crabby Zabuza.

Haku shrugged, still smiling, "He won't mind. I'm helping you is all."

Naruto grinned thankfully, scribbling the number four down on his paper. "So what's the answer to the next one?" he asked in an eager whisper.

Haku's eyebrows turned up apologetically. "Sorry, but he won't let me get away with it unless I teach you how to do the problem I just gave you the answer to…"

Naruto's jaw hit the back of his chair and his temper turned sour. "What?" He hissed indignantly.

"Umm… well, just copying answers is cheating," Haku explained. "He won't like that."

Naruto drew his lower lip up and narrowed his eyes in a comical pout. "Killjoy," he muttered.

Haku blinked. "Actually he's really nice when he's not in a bad mood…"

"Wake up call!" Naruto hissed exasperatedly, "He's never _not _in a bad mood!"

Haku nudged him playfully, "You're biased. You just don't know him well enough."

"Biased my ass," Naruto grumbled, shifting slightly in his chair. "Okay," he gave in and sighed, "Explain."

Haku smiled brightly, happy to elaborate. The next few minutes of Naruto's life were spent listening and learning how to solve a simple algebra equation. When Haku was done explaining to him, Naruto felt like an idiot.

That was, like, easier than pie!

And Haku had to help him figure it out!

It was, like, stuff he did last year!

He thanked Haku, grumbling inwardly at what a dimwit he was. He was going to need Haku later.

The bell rang, Geometry ended, and Naruto thanked the pale cross-dresser for his infinite wisdom on the subject. His paper was half done. He might actually finish his assignment! The mere thought of it was enough to boggle his mind.

It seemed that, on the way out the door, Haku had an epiphany. He wanted Naruto's company. Naruto was happy to oblige.

Sure, he'd been mad at him for a while, but Naruto wasn't the kind of person to stay angry, no matter how hard he tried. He found himself asking Haku more of the same types of questions he had been asking him when they first met.

"So how does a guy like No-Brows get to be a teacher anyway?" He asked casually.

Haku was happy to elaborate. "It wasn't always this way," he explained.

Naruto blinked, reaching both arms behind his head and meshing his fingers together. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked rudely.

Haku spared him an unreadable glance, "You're with the Uchiha, aren't you?" When Naruto gave him a blank stare, he went on. "You're _together, _aren't you?"

_Not the kind of person to stay angry…_

Then the grim reality of it all set in. It must've shown clearly on his face, because now Haku was giving him a leery look. Naruto sighed, "We're, um… going through a… whaddotheycallit…? Rough patch! Yeah."

_Not the kind of person to stay angry…_

Naruto frowned sadly.

"I see," Haku sympathized, "Anyway, a long time ago, this town was just as disorderly as it is now. The Uchihas, Sasuke's ancestors and such, founded the Konoha Police Force. They gradually grew in popularity and branched off to other districts, even Mist."

The blonde listened intently as he walked.

Haku seemed to enjoy the attention, as he elaborated further. "It was the first time anyone tried and succeeded to stand up to this city's crime. A big step forward if you ask me. They kept the city in a relatively peaceful state for a while, but when Sasuke's brother went mad, the Police Force fell apart." Haku paused for a moment, "Sort of like cutting all of a crab's legs off. It can't do much. It just sits there, dies, and decays. Sure, there were people who tried to keep it going, but as you can see, it didn't last."

He gave Naruto an odd look. "You know," he said, "Sometimes I get the feeling that we're all prisoners in our own city."

Naruto blinked. Funny, he never thought of it that way before.

Enlightening.

Naruto waved goodbye to Haku as he found his way to science class. As the bell rang, Naruto began to realize that he was virtually imprisoned in the chair next to a deranged screwball.

Screwball being in every sense of the word.

Neji was sitting there, stock still, with an absurd, loopy grin on his face. Naruto all but wondered what he was thinking.

Of course, he knew very well the margins of what he could be thinking _about,_ but…

Naruto squelched the thought. Neji was his ex-not-really-boyfriend, and Gaara was his best friend. The idea of the two of them going at it was just… It was like social taboo.

They had both been acting screwy lately. Maybe they really were…

Nope.

Naruto refused to believe it.

----

God, Sasuke was tired.

He'd been that way the entire morning. He hadn't got a wink of sleep the night before and now, more than ever, the reality of his addiction was setting in. He realized that he wasn't only addicted to heroine, but that he was an alcoholic.

Less and less alcohol…

Running out of drugs…

This, he admitted with a troubled sigh, was definitely a problem.

He was hungry, but he didn't have an appetite.

He was tired, but it was the middle of the day and he couldn't risk falling asleep.

He was on the verge of mental and physical breakdowns alike.

And so, he spent the entirety of what was supposed to be his lunch hour beneath a tree and feeling generally sorry for himself. People came by and cast him strange glances. One or two of them would be bold enough to walk up to him, block his wonderful view of the canopy of the tree, and ask him if he was feeling okay.

He'd tell them to get the fuck out of his face and that would be the end of it.

His eyelids fluttered a few times. Occasionally he'd accidentally let them drift shut before realizing that would fall asleep if he didn't snap them open again.

God, wouldn't it be nice to fall asleep though…

With that thought, he pushed himself off the grass and paced around the base of the tree.

His rhyming was coming back to haunt him, wasn't it? Another glorious thing to add to his list. He sighed disdainfully to himself as he circled around the tree like a possessed vulture.

"Umm… Sasuke?"

Sasuke snapped around as quickly as he could. He growled to himself as his mind registered the face of one blue-eyed, blonde Dobe that liked to call itself the Queen of all Whores. His tired eyes narrowed. "What do you want?" he asked irritably.

Naruto quirked a peculiar eyebrow at him and half scowled. She leaned in closer with impatient hands on her hips. Sasuke found that he was rather uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

Her short red-haired friend had somehow morphed into Sasuke's vision and he was now staring in a similar fashion. He snorted, "You're right. He does look even paler than usual."

Naruto sharply averted her gaze and slapped Gaara soundly in the arm. "Ow," he said in an unconvincing tone of voice, rubbing his arm for good measure.

Throughout all this, Sasuke couldn't figure out what to say. He didn't fully understand what was going on.

Then, Neji appeared, effectively towering over both Naruto and Gaara. Sasuke peered suspiciously at him. In a snap, that suspicion turned into accusation.

Neji was taller than him…

"Jeez, Uchiha," he mocked, "You look even worse than usual."

"Neeeeeejiiiiiiii!" Naruto whined pleadingly and stomped her feet. Neji only smiled, "Well, it's true."

This triggered a fantastic rolling of the eyes on Gaara's part as he mumbled something to the ridiculously tall boy and dragged him off.

Sasuke followed them with squinting eyes until the both of them were lost in the crowd. In an instant, his hot gaze was back on Naruto. The blonde girl was staring at the ground, a pink blush gracing the bridge of her nose.

"Sasuke?" she whispered.

"What?" Sasuke's voice sounded harsh and gravelly in his own ears.

She looked up into his eyes with wide, deep blue ones of her own. "Why aren't you eating anything?"

He cast a skeptical glance back at her. What was she doing? Stalking him? "Why do you want to know?" he replied resentfully.

She didn't reply. She only exhaled a deep sigh and turned around. She floated off in the general direction that both of her friends had gone and likewise vanished into the distance.

Sasuke couldn't help but feel a sharp pang of resentment. Odd, he thought, because he had no idea where it had come from.

He postulated why Naruto would've come up to him in the first place. God knew they were angry as hell at each other. Or so Sasuke thought.

He blinked.

Perhaps, because she was such an innocent little thing, Naruto couldn't stand to be mad at him for longer than a day or so. Sasuke snorted. He was being stubborn and righteous. He was pretty damn proud of it too. Maybe in a while, if Naruto stopped being such a dumbass and finally opened those pretty little eyes of hers, he could afford to be un-mad at her. Right now, though, she wasn't seeing things his way.

No one didn't see things his way.

He made sure of it.

At least he thought…

Screw it. Sasuke was through with thinking. He was giving himself a nasty migraine. He sat back down against the trunk of the tree, exhaling a tired breath of air as he did so. God in heaven, did he want to sleep.

Last night, he drank only one bottle of beer and used up just enough of his heroine to make the shivering in his arms stop.

He hadn't been pacing up and down his hall last night. He hadn't been glued to the television, twiddling his fingers and madly gnawing on a granola bar. He'd just sat there. On his bed. With his eyes wide open. His legs would tingle and his arms would twitch involuntarily at regular intervals as he tried and failed to make himself comfortable. He ran to his closet once or twice when he felt that the reason he wasn't asleep was the lack of downy pillows littering his bed. Sasuke knew for a fact that he'd added twelve high-quality down pillows to his room that night and not a single one of them had made him happier. He'd flip over, tangling himself up in his sheets, stay still for a maximum of five minutes and then turn over again. Then he'd get irritated at the mess he was making and he would get up and straighten his sheets.

And that damn spider was back.

Don't make me break my foot off in your ass…

Sasuke grumbled.

Now, he was non-hungry, non-tired, and not happy.

And he had a massive headache.

Whoop-de-shit.

Oh, kind and benevolent big brother, won't you be so nice as to come back and _smite_ me?

Sasuke smiled wryly.

_Now?_

Of course, had things been different and had he been feeling perfectly peachy, that thought in particular would never have crossed his mind. As the way it was with all teens, though, it was inevitable to think morbidly at least once when he was feeling like shit.

His body was gradually creeping down the tree trunk now. His legs were splayed out on the grass and his arms hung limply at his sides. He registered dimly that he was in danger of falling asleep again.

This time he didn't mind so much.

What was going to happen to him anyway? He was right here, on school grounds, beneath a tree. What could happen? What indeed? He might get whispered about, and that was it.

After all, class was only starting in ten minutes.

He could get some sleep in.

Come to think of it, he was getting so tired that he swore he could hear himself thinking.

"You're tired," the voice said.

"Shut up," Sasuke spat back.

"Why are you tired?" It asked again.

"Couldn't sleep," Sasuke sighed.

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Go away."

"You're irritable too."

"No shit."

"Not a fun person to talk to either."

"The hell are you talking about?"

"…"

"Much better," Sasuke sighed. He was allowed a moment of mental silence before the voice talked to him again. Needless to say, he was not amused when it spoke up.

"You're missing class."

"No I'm not," Sasuke retorted lamely.

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you-"

"Go away," Sasuke interrupted.

"Hey-"

"Shut the hell up!" Sasuke shot up from his spot against the tree and glared hard straight in front of him. He wasn't expecting to see anyone there, but, to his infinite surprise, there stood Naruto. Her pleated skirt was rustled in the wind as she bent down to look him squarely in the eye.

Well, shit.

"How long have you been there?" Sasuke asked dryly.

Naruto frowned at him and stood straight as a pencil again. "Sasuke, you're hopeless, you know that?" she sighed dejectedly. She then plopped down onto her knees in the grass in front of him, staring inquisitively with her incredibly large, impossibly blue eyes.

Sasuke squinted distrustfully at her and made himself comfortable.

"Why couldn't you sleep?" she asked pointedly.

Sasuke's eyes widened in surprise and a sudden pain lurched somewhere inside him.

Shit.

He thought he was talking to himself, and here was Naruto, telling him that the voice he heard wasn't whose he thought it was. Just his luck. His in-fucking-credible luck.

He only stared at her as if he'd been hit by a car.

Her car.

The one without seatbelts…

"Sasuke, answer my question!" She pouted ruefully. When Sasuke didn't answer and his expression didn't change much, she sighed and dropped her arms to her sides. "Why don't you ever answer me?" she sniffled, playing detachedly with a blade of grass.

Sasuke was baffled.

She was insane.

She was a complete fucking lunatic!

A nutcase!

Why the hell was she doing this? Kissing and making up?

Without thinking much, as the reasoning function in his brain was currently switched off, Sasuke answered. "We're mad at each other, remember?"

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke mentally screamed. She was getting that absurdly calm look in her eye. That madly interested analytic glare.

It was coming.

The question he couldn't stand.

"Sasuke?"

Oh dear God. This was it.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sasuke squinted maliciously at the blonde girl, wishing that she would disappear and leave him alone. It didn't happen. She just stood there, peering at him in that persnickety way and persisting to be a blindingly vibrant shade of blue. He exhaled a dry, shaking hiss and glared.

"No," he growled, "I don't."

Naruto's fluffy golden hair deflated and she assumed a look of general crestfallen-ness.

Then, nearly sending Sasuke's heart into arrhythmia, she struck a dramatic hero-pose on the lawn in front of him and nearly took his leg off in the act. "Well, you may not want to talk to me, but I'll be damned if I let you be late for art class!" With that, much to Sasuke's displeasure, he was jerked upward by the arm and dragged across the field, kicking and screaming with his backpack trailing behind him.

Figuratively of course.

Uchihas did _not_ scream.

"Uzumaki!" Sasuke spat irritably, "Let go of my leg!"

Naruto, though, in all her outstanding annoying-ness, kept dragging him with a smile on her face. Sasuke debated digging his nails into the dirt to bring himself to a halt. After a second, he discarded the thought. He'd ruin his nails.

He grudgingly allowed himself to be dragged a few more feet before he retaliated in a single, horrific kicking movement. He successfully wrenched his leg out of Naruto's steely grasp.

She turned around and pouted at him.

Sasuke didn't give a shit.

He wouldn't- no. He _couldn't_ allow himself to be carried into the building. He couldn't allow his reputation to be ruined any more than it already had been. After hanging around with the blonde Dobe for so long, he had only one shred of dignity left.

And, by God, he was going to keep it.

"Come on, Teme! Lighten up!" Naruto growled, glancing off to the side.

"I will not be dragged into a public building, Dobe," Sasuke hissed and brushed the dirt off of the back of his jeans.

"Well, there wasn't any other way to get you off your lazy ass!" Naruto barked, startling Sasuke in her ferocity.

He blinked.

When was the last time she yelled at him like that?

Had she ever yelled at him like that?

Why did he care?

He snorted to himself and brushed past Naruto, leaving the blonde to splutter to herself behind him. As he swung his backpack over his shoulder and marched down the hall, his mind began to resemble a pong game. A single thought was floating and bouncing around.

Sasuke didn't care.

Sasuke didn't care about anyone, because no one cared about him. That was the way it was supposed to be. That was the way it was for all tragic heroes like himself.

And Naruto had to go and ruin his ride by melting him like a stick of butter on the saucepan of hell.

He hated her for it.

Currently at least.

He supposed that the real subject of his direct anger was Naruto's mom. But the sly fox wasn't there right then, and Naruto seemed like the best substitute.

Oh bullshit.

There he went, thinking too much and proving himself wrong. God, he needed an aspirin.

A really big, white, shimmering, glorious aspirin.

He sat through art class, barely able to contain his frustration. The more time passed, the more wired and worked up he got. There was pressure building up inside him. It was an ill, disgusting pressure that made his nerves scream and his stomach do back-flips over and over and over again. It was nauseating to say the least.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

But if he were to be sick, he figured with a smirk, he'd make sure to be sick all over Naruto. That'd teach the bitch.

He stared at his picture, which had been complete for the past several days. He didn't know exactly what to do with it, but Shikamaru wouldn't know, and he wasn't about to go asking Naruto for help.

He smiled wryly as a strange saying wound its way into his immediate consciousness.

_Damned if you do. Damned if you don't._

He looked to his side to see Naruto once again staring at him in that spacey manner of hers. Sasuke scowled at her and she reluctantly looked the other way. Despite the fact that he wanted so desperately to hate her for her selfish naiveté, he couldn't fight the feeling of self-loathing that came to him with that simple action.

Sasuke knew that she didn't want to be mad at him forever.

He might not have wanted to stay angry at her either.

The fact of the matter was, however, that he could not allow himself to stoop low off his throne and apologize to her. His ego wouldn't permit it.

He stared dismally down at his finished project and sighed.

_Damned if you do. Damned if you don't._

----

Naruto scowled at his own art project. It was a miserable thing. It was a little sketch of a fluffy animal of his own making, or what was left of it. He had successfully murdered his own style of art and it now glared back at him as if wondering why he had chosen to do so.

He slammed his fist on the table, startling Shikamaru out of a lovely-looking nap. Naruto then blew a frustrated puff of air up at his bangs and rested his head in one hand.

"And the Great Artist was trapped in the grimy, foul smelling claws of the evil beast known as Artist's Block."

Naruto gave Gaara a hopelessly blank stare. Gaara gnawed on a chocolate bar and eyed him back with his non-existent eyebrows arched gracefully. "Whatever," Naruto mumbled lamely, rolling his eyes and snorting.

"Why, Princess Naruto, what vile clouds enshroud thy fair face and choke thy mind?" the redhead bit another chunk off of the chocolate bar.

Since when did Gaara speak in Old English?

Naruto whirled around to face him again. "I'm not having a good day!" he hissed.

"Why not?" Gaara halted temporarily in his tirade of poetry. Naruto rolled his eyes again in response and jerked his head pointedly in the direction of his problem. "Tch!" Gaara clicked between bites, "Sasuke?"

"Shhh!" Naruto squeaked vehemently and smacked Gaara on the side of the face.

"Ow," Gaara murmured monotonously.

"Stop it!" Naruto hissed. God above, the Suna boy got on his nerves sometimes.

"Having boy troubles?" Gaara sneered. This made Naruto increasingly angry, almost to the point where he might have impaled Gaara's eye on a pixie stick. Almost.

"I'm trying to be nice and he's being a prick!" Naruto carefully chose his words to prevent another outburst like yesterday.

As if reading his mind, Gaara smirked suddenly and crossed his arms across his chest. "You sure he's not being a dick?"

Naruto scowled and stuck his tongue out at his best friend.

Gaara only chuckled somewhat and returned to his work, mumbling under his breath, "Frailty, thy name is Naruto."

Great.

He was in his poetry lapse again. Naruto remembered him talking about drama club sometime in the very recent past. Funny, wasn't it? Who would've expected that Gaara of Suna had a soft spot for the theatre?

Naturally, Neji would be right there beside him. Naruto wondered distantly who would be Romeo and who would be Juliet if that particular work of Shakespeare ever came up. Neji seemed more like a Romeo. Besides, Gaara could use a good bossing-around.

Subconsciously, the word 'seme' popped up.

Naruto hurriedly squelched the thought. The wonder-couple's perversity was rubbing off on him.

He stared apprehensively at the hideous picture that had recently been a work of art. His eye twitched. It was _glaring_ at him. This was decidedly bad. Naruto's arm suddenly shot out and attacked the offending piece of paper. Effectively drawing the attention of everyone in the room, he tore it apart, crumpled it up, and threw the image in the nearest garbage can.

After a moment of sulking, Naruto noticed that Sasuke was staring at him. A hot pink blush seeped its way into his face, though he didn't know why, and he felt compelled to look away. He did. He turned his back to Sasuke and fiddled with his fingers.

He felt Sasuke continuing to stare a hole into his back. He shuffled around in his chair. When his back continued to throb, he decided to deny Sasuke any further joy he might be having and moved. He got up and went in search of another paper.

After all, he needed to get his assignment done.

Naruto busied himself searching though Perry-Sensei's cabinet. He still refused to acknowledge Sarutobi as a teacher, therefore it wasn't his cabinet.

Anyway, he rummaged around for paper, effectively ripping the innards of the closet to shreds. Naruto continued to tear through it, even though he'd already found what he was looking for.

Sasuke was still staring at him.

He could feel it.

A few more minutes of scouring and Naruto was fed up with it. He glanced curiously over his shoulder. Sure enough, there Sasuke was, leering at Naruto through the corner of his eye. To the blonde's surprise, he didn't look especially angry.

As a matter of fact, Naruto wasn't sure he knew _what_ he saw in Sasuke's eyes. Their usual sharp, crude blackness was clouded with something dreadful. The Uchiha looked more tired than Naruto had seen him in his life.

Soon, Sasuke realized that he was being scrutinized. His frown deepened and his eyes glittered. Naruto looked away and he assumed that Sasuke had done the same.

Stupid Sasuke…

Naruto glanced back to make sure he wasn't looking, and then flipped him off.

He dragged his pile of paper back to his desk, hoarded it, sat back down in his chair and scooted away from the lurking Uchiha.

Gaara shot him a derisive glare before biting another piece off of his chocolate bar.

Stupid Gaara…

Health class was next.

Thank God. Naruto was going to have a psychotic attack if art class lasted any longer. When the bell rang, he rocketed out of his seat, determined to leave a disgruntled Uchiha in his wake.

Naruto was almost certain now that their relationship was over. This grudge, Naruto was sure, was going to be the death of them.

He tried.

He failed.

Sasuke was continuing to close himself off. Naruto knew that he wasn't the most benevolent person in all of history. Definitely not.

Naruto just wanted it to stop.

He made himself comfortable in his seat. Naturally, Sasuke sat in the desk directly beside him. Of course, Naruto thought bitterly, it wasn't like Sasuke wanted to sit there because _he _was there. It was because he was used to it. That, and every other seat was taken up.

Naruto shrank into his chair with his head bowed.

What a mess…

"Today's assignment is on page one hundred and forty seven in your book," Kakashi announced, "I want you to work in pairs, because the assignment requires two people. No, Sakura, not three, not twenty. Two people only. But if any of you happen to be complete sociopaths, I suppose you could do it by yourselves. No questions? Good. Now get working."

There were numerous excited whispers in the classroom and heads began swiveling around, looking to make eye-contact with a potential partner.

Naruto was among those searching the room. Apart from Gaara and Neji, there weren't any people he could stand working with. Luck would have it though, that Neji and Gaara had already made themselves comfortable and were now exchanging dreamy glances with one another.

The word 'seme' once again flashed before his eyes.

In an effort to erase the word, he frantically scanned the room again. Sakura was working with one of her lackeys, and Ino had done the same.

…

Like he wanted to work with one of them anyway.

He tilted his head to the side a little and gazed out of the corner of his eye. A cloud of anxiety had settled around the hunched form of Sasuke. Numerous pairs of mascara-laden eyes shimmered expectantly from the farthest corners of the room. They glanced back and forth from Naruto to Sasuke.

Naruto sighed. He knew what was going on.

They were like friggin' hyenas!

They'd obviously noticed that he and Sasuke weren't on the best of terms. As such, they were watching and waiting to see whether or not they could sneak in and drag the Uchiha away.

Naruto knew how Gawd-awful that would be for Sasuke. Yet, the Uchiha probably didn't want Naruto to bother him more than he already had.

Sasuke sat there and Naruto watched, very aware that the dark-haired boy was just as wary as he was.

The fangirls crept closer.

Sasuke shot one an infamous glare. It was an intimidating one, Naruto assumed, because one of the girls backed away slightly. He watched the scene unfold. They'd creep closer and closer, only to shrink and scramble away when Sasuke lunged at them.

It was remarkable how much the scene resembled a pack of wolves surrounding a stubborn bull elk. If Sasuke could hear that one…

His ego could use a little prick in the side.

"Naruto!"

The addressed focused his attention at the front of the room. To his delight, Sasuke looked up too. There was Kakashi, sitting in his chair with his feet propped up. As always, he hadn't taken his eyes off of his precious orange book. He flipped a crinkly page and continued, "Get to work."

Stupid Kakashi…

Naruto frowned and made a face. He then flipped the front cover of his health book open with a slam and flipped through the pages. He glanced over at Sasuke, who was still fighting off his unofficial fan club, and then back at his book.

Aw hell… he didn't want to do this alone!

And he certainly didn't want Sasuke to be eaten alive by women. God forbid.

But…

At the same time, his offering to work with Sasuke would almost certainly trigger a negative reaction in the other teen. He knew Sasuke well enough now to see that he didn't like giving up.

There was no way to win with Sasuke.

If Naruto offered his partnership to Sasuke, he'd probably glare him to death and then dance on his grave. No. He was too good for that. He'd glare him to death and then hire someone to dance on his grave for him. On the other hand, if he didn't speak up, Sasuke would no doubt be dragged into the deepest, fiery, fluffy, pink pits of girly hell.

Naruto didn't want to die, nor did he want Sasuke to go to hell.

Choices…

----

Sasuke cast a frantic glance over at the blonde next to him.

Dear Lord on a stick! As angry as he was with her, his anger toward Naruto was taking a back seat to the imminent danger that was the female portion of the room. If his eyes didn't deceive him, which they probably were in his current state, they were crouching in their chairs and _drooling._

His eyes shifted from Naruto to a nearby girl. He realized with horror that she hadn't been that close the last time he looked. He knitted his eyebrows together and uttered a silent growl with which to ward her off.

She stayed put, gazing lovingly at him with those clueless, glazed eyes of hers. Of course, if he were talking about Naruto and not some brunette-who-shall-not-be-named, that might have been a good thing.

But this was not the case.

Another point to the credit of his absolutely in-fucking-credible luck.

And to himself.

It was his fault after all. If he had just admitted that it wasn't Naruto's fault she was stupid, they'd both be fine. Just fine.

And while he was at it, going back in time and changing things, he'd make sure to assassinate Kakashi so none of this 'working in pairs' business ever occurred in the first place.

He was living in a nightmare, and he couldn't find a cliff to throw himself off of. And then he couldn't wake up. He always woke up before he hit the-

God, she was getting closer.

He mustered up all of his rapidly diminishing resolve and leaned back casually in his chair. "Go away," he commanded, liking the sound of his own voice. The girls looked slightly taken aback, much to Sasuke's joy, but they refused to leave. "Why, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

"Don't you want to work with someone, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

"He wants to work with me, right, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

Persistent little fuckers…

If his instincts were right, Naruto would interject at any time. He found himself looking forward to the occasion.

"No, you're an ugly slut! He likes me more, don't you, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

"He's not gonna' pick you! Everyone knows you slept with-" Sasuke drew a blank with the name, "And by the way, it's fall. Your white sweater is _sooo_ out of style, right, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

Any minute now…

"My mom bought me this for my birthday, you bitch! She's a bitch, isn't she, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

"Oh grow up! You must be, like, poor or something. Your mom must've got that from a second hand store! Doesn't it look cheap, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?"

Oh, now they were making him mad. Naruto bought clothes from a second hand store. He didn't quite understand why, but the thought of them indirectly insulting Naruto made him uncharacteristically angry.

It was exciting.

"So what?" He growled, glaring vehemently at the offending girl with slits for eyes, "It's no business of yours to be barking at someone just because their sweater didn't cost two hundred bucks."

Sasuke triumphed when the girl shrank into the plastic of her seat like a rapidly disintegrating raisin. Meanwhile, the other girl, the one with the sweater, swooned with a fragile sigh and careened out of her desk. She landed on the floor with a bounce and a hollow 'thunk.'

Sasuke wished.

The girl with the sweater sparkled and danced her way over to Sasuke's desk. Odd, Sasuke thought, because he didn't recall inviting her there. He supposed it was an assumption on her part, and a very bad one at that. He didn't want to be her partner. He emphasized the fact by not bothering to get up when she stood expectantly at his desk.

After what seemed like an hour, he looked apathetically up at her. "What are you doing?" he asked, already knowing the response.

The girl's sunny smile faltered. "I… thought we were working together."

Oh perfect. Now Sasuke was going to get nasty and Naruto was going to hate him more and… And since when did he give a flying fuck about her? He was losing his mind.

"Did I mention anything about working together?" Sasuke asked in a raised voice.

The girl squeaked, "Well, I thought-"

"Did I mention ANYTHING about working together?"

"No…"

"Then what the hell are you doing at my desk?" Sasuke all but yelled. He was dangling from the very last strings of his sanity and was coming dangerously close to snapping them himself. His brain was on the fritz and all he wanted was to go home and bash his head against the wall until he passed into oblivion.

Crestfallen and frightened, the girl in the white sweater crawled back to her desk and whimpered there.

Much better. As happy as he was, though, he couldn't help but wonder why Naruto didn't do anything. He cast another ambiguous glance at the blonde. He caught her staring for a split second before she quickly spun around in her chair and made herself look busy.

During the few seconds Sasuke spent mulling over the blonde's actions, a revelation of his chose to manifest itself. Naruto's and his current situation strongly resembled that of their date to the movie theatre. Earlier, Naruto had been up and down between concern and enthusiasm and Sasuke had been swimming in his own self-pity. Now Sasuke's anger was rapidly dissolving and being replaced with discomfort, while Naruto avoided all eye contact she could.

Jesus Christ.

Déjà vu.

And Sasuke was hating every second of it.

Sort of like last time. Except, Sasuke decided, he didn't want to be the one who ended it this time. Naruto could come to him of her own accord. Then they'd talk and she'd have what he often heard other girls call a 'good cry.'

Against his wishes, Sasuke yawned and rested his head on his arms. He didn't want to be tired, not again, but the way things were going, he didn't have much of a choice. He got comfortable and closed his eyes.

He had it all planned out.

Now if he could only make his plan work…

----

My GAWD, did Naruto hate having to sit through that.

Of course he _knew_ beyond a shadow of a doubt that Sasuke would want to handle it on his own. And Naruto thought Sasuke handled the situation quite well compared to him, who would've gutted every girl without a second thought.

But what was with the whole sweater thing anyway? Naruto couldn't piece together why Sasuke would even think of defending a useless article of clothing. Maybe he was defending the second hand store. Or maybe he was defending the people who shopped at second hand stores. Why would he want to do that? Maybe someone he knew shopped there. Sasuke didn't make it a point to associate himself with the less fortunate. Come to think of it, the only other person he bothered talking to was…

…

Oh look! A bird!

Naruto was decidedly content with the distraction and was more than happy to put his pencil down to watch it land in a branch outside the window. A sigh that was clearly meant to be noticed came from the direction of the health teacher and was easily ignored by Naruto. To hell with homework. Kakashi couldn't do anything to him.

"Naruto!"

Speak of the devil…

Naruto slumped in his chair, preparing himself to meet his doom. "What?" he groaned.

"Twenty push-ups. In the front of the class."

Naruto's jaw slowly inched its way toward the floor and his eyes twitched violently.

"Now."

Gaara gave him a congratulatory slap on the back and Neji clapped his hands together and laughed. Naruto looked back to them, scowling until his jaw was sore. "Thanks, guys," he growled.

"No problem," Gaara replied amiably.

"While we're still young, Naruto," Kakashi sang.

Naruto cast an angry glance at the white-haired health teacher. He got out of his seat and dragged himself two rows up to the front of the room. Oh, how he wanted the coveted 'look-at-something-and-it-blows-up' superpower right then.

"Twenty push-ups. I want your elbows bent at right angles, and if you cheat," here, Kakashi raised a hand to his chin in thought, "The whole class has to run the mile on Monday."

"WHAT?!?" Naruto gibbered in shock. He waved his arms about in great arcs and stamped the floor with his feet.

That was way too damn much. Too much responsibility. If he failed, he'd have even more enemies than he already did.

As if that was even possible.

Naruto sighed hopelessly and resigned himself to his fate. He really didn't want to do push-ups in a skirt but…

He had to do what he had to do. He grudgingly agreed, much to the delight of his audience, and got to work. He dropped to the floor without another outburst and the class immediately started counting.

He got to about seven before his arms started to ache. That wasn't good. He had thirteen… twelve to go. At this rate, he wasn't going to make it. Everyone was going to hate him.

There were other people in the class who weren't doing a fucking thing. Naruto saw them. He knew why Kakashi picked on him. It was because he was an easy target. Sure, he acted all nice and stuff at the beginning of school, but in the end, he was just another health teacher.

Just another stupid health teacher.

He had six more to go now, and his arms were shaking with the effort.

He realized without much enthusiasm that soon his arms would give way and he would fall.

The whole school would be talking about him and they'd put angry notes in his locker and they'd spread rumors about him and-

And Sasuke would never speak to him again.

_Sasuke would never speak to him again._

Shocked at the horror in that thought, Naruto kept going. If he fell, Sasuke would no longer just see him as an idiot, but a worthless weakling as well. That would really put the icing on the top of his proverbial cake.

A little drop of sweat graced the floor.

Four, and little spots started dancing in front of his eyes. Three, and he was starting to feel dizzy. Two, and his eyes felt like they were going to burst out of his skull.

One more to go.

Naruto coughed. For a second he thought it was all over and the floor was rising up to meet him.

No such luck.

He was _not_ going to give up. With a huge effort, he heaved himself off the ground. He was done. And he ached like hell.

He didn't exactly feel prepared for the task of standing up, so he sat there and listened to the relieved chatter of the room. People were cheering, clapping, and sighing with relief. Naruto recognized the clapping people as Gaara and Neji, who were standing on top of their desks with differing degrees of enthusiasm on their faces.

Sakura and Ino were sitting right where Naruto saw them last, casting each other bewildered glances and whispering to one another.

For a second, Naruto felt happy. As his mind cleared and he stood up, though, some of that initial happiness wore off.

Where was Sasuke?

Was he even paying attention?

Did he even care?

He remembered where Sasuke was supposed to be and scanned the area with his eyes. He registered a sagging, navy-colored lump that appeared to be devouring the top half of its desk. This was Sasuke, Naruto concluded. He searched for any sign at all that Sasuke approved of what he had done.

He was turned the other way.

Naruto stopped smiling.

He gave it all he had and more, and this was what he got back. Sasuke was probably asleep or something. Without knowing the reason why, tears welled up in his eyes when he thought of how angry Sasuke would be if Naruto woke him up and told him.

Let him sleep.

See if Naruto cared.

"Well don't you seem happy," came a sarcastic remark in Naruto's general direction. He turned around, not really caring who was there or why.

It was Gaara.

He could've guessed. And Neji wasn't far behind. "I wouldn't feel too hot either, doing push-ups on a tile floor," the Asian shot back. Gaara gave him an 'Oh really' look and nudged him in the side. Neji thought for a moment. "Well," he said finally, "not if I were you at least."

Naruto interpreted this as an insult and ignored it.

His lack of witty comebacks didn't go unnoticed.

"You okay?" Gaara asked with mild concern. Naruto didn't answer. Instead, he melted all over his desk in a giant, fuming, brooding Uzumaki puddle. Neji sighed and shook his head. Naruto stared apathetically up at the Hyuga.

Then Gaara got a strange 'Ah-hah' look in his eye and tilted his head, gazing inquisitively at Naruto.

"You want us to shoot him for you?"

Naruto laughed.

Sort of.

Neji looked at Gaara, Gaara looked at Neji. "Men are bastards," Neji said as-a-matter-of-factly. "I concur," Gaara agreed, raising his hand for good measure.

Naruto smiled. He felt slightly better.

"Alright, alright," Kakashi willed the class to shut itself up before continuing, "Naruto just saved your sorry asses. You're off the hook." This announcement was followed by excessive cheering and running around the room wielding sharp, shiny objects.

Naruto would've joined the festivities if it weren't for his sudden onset of depression and his lack of energy. Off to his side, he heard Gaara sigh and shuffle around in his backpack. Intrigued, Naruto watched him. He withdrew a bendy straw and a scrap of paper. He extended the bendy straw and put it down on Naruto's desk, and then assaulted the poor piece of paper. He chewed it up and spat it back out into his hand, rolled it into a ball, and stuffed it in the straw.

Naruto knew what came next.

Gaara raised the straw to his lips and the wad of paper sailed straight into Sasuke's hair. Naruto stifled a laugh as Sasuke jumped, sat straight up, and glared at him. Naruto automatically pointed to Gaara, who in turn pointed at Neji, who, as one would assume, returned the blame to Naruto. It was all very funny and Bugs Bunny-esque, but Sasuke apparently didn't get the memo.

He just glared daggers at all three of them.

And all three of them glared back.

Naruto especially.

"You fell asleep again, Uchiha," Neji's voice dripped with undisguised dissatisfaction. Naruto was delighted when Sasuke's dark eyes narrowed into wary slits. "Do you have any idea what happened just now?" Gaara asked in an identical tone of voice.

"No," Sasuke stated truthfully.

"I thought not," Gaara droned in his usual mechanical voice. He blinked a few times, as if expecting Sasuke to ask what the hell he missed. To Naruto's surprise, he didn't.

"Well, I'll fill you in," Gaara offered courteously, "Naruto here just pulled off twenty push-ups in front of the class. You know why?"

And that's where Naruto cut him off. If he went any further, knowing Gaara, he'd get angry and something would break. Or maybe a few somethings. Namely Sasuke's ribs or a few of his limbs for example. Naruto thought he'd be rather sad if he didn't get to dismember the Uchiha himself.

No.

He didn't want to go down that road. He was a nice, fun-loving individual. He just got a little upset sometimes.

Like now.

"Stop it, Gaara," Naruto reasoned, "It doesn't matter all that much."

"Doesn't matter?" Gaara's face went redder than normal, "Doesn't matter my ass! You can't keep letting him get away with this shit, Naruto. You know that!"

"Look," Neji intervened, "Why don't you and me go over there and talk about this, hm? Besides, you're too angry to think rationally. We'll take care of that in, oh… say… two hours?" Neji cast him a lewd look.

After another minute of arguing with Neji, Gaara consented and the Asian was more than happy to keep him company as he fumed in a corner.

The minute they left, Naruto hurriedly scribbled down answers on his paper. Sasuke was staring at him again. It wasn't a good feeling, not under the current circumstances.

The class was still chattering gleefully amongst itself, but all Naruto felt was the excruciating silence that happens when you're trying to concentrate and you know there's someone in the back of the room watching you.

God, how he hated it.

A few more minutes of silence, and then the Uchiha graced the room with his voice.

"So," Sasuke started in his usual listless manner. Naruto didn't respond. He only tried to fill his ears with the sound of graphite against paper. Sasuke sat up in his seat and stretched like a cat. Naruto snapped his eyes back and scribbled faster.

"You look tired," Sasuke stated again. This time, Naruto felt compelled to fire right back. "Yeah, well you don't look so hot yourself," he growled resentfully. And since he was angry, he decided to elaborate. "You weren't awake to see why I'm tired. You weren't there witnessing the reason I'm tired. But guess what? I'll tell you why anyway. Because I think you should know, even if I don't think you'll understand. I did twenty push-ups. I'm not the best athlete in the world. It really took a lot out of me." Naruto paused and laughed emptily, "There. See? Was that so hard? I actually _told_ you the reason _why_ I'm tired! And look! It hasn't killed me!" He threw his arms up into the air and brought one of his fists back down with a bang.

Naruto's tirade continued, "Do you know how happy I'd be if you'd notice every once in a while? If you'd notice how much I worry about you? I'm tired of being kept in the dark about things! I'm afraid of the dark, Sasuke! There! I said that too! I said I was afraid of the dark! God smite me now! I know you're mad at me, but it's not my fault I don't understand! YOU. DON'T. TELL. ME. ANYTHING! Nobody tells me anything!"

With that, for the second time that year, he dashed out of Kakashi's classroom.

----

Oh shit.

That definitely didn't go the way he wanted it to. Sure, the whole 'make Naruto come to you' idea sounded nice earlier, but Sasuke now saw that things weren't exactly flowing that way.

With Sasuke, nothing really flowed that way.

…

He knew he never should've fallen asleep.

He was going to end up doing the exact same thing he did in the movie theatre. Only now, instead of just shy and awkward, she was about as mad as a bull with a giant, red flag tied in front of its face.

To top things off, Gaara looked positively pissed at the moment. Sasuke wasn't sure he'd be surprised if the redhead mutilated him after school and ate him. The look in his eye was nothing less than murderous.

A deep, strenuous sigh.

Now he really needed an aspirin.

Still, it vexed him how persistent she was with this whole need-to-know business. It was no right of hers to peep into his life whenever she felt like it. The more he ate himself up about it, the more fried his brain became.

God, he hated the on-and-on-and-on-and-on-ness of it all. Continuously. All week. He'd be damned if it was lasting all semester. It had to stop. Maybe he'd give himself a day or two to think about it.

Cancer? Naw. She'd start some sort of whacked-out fundraiser for his chemotherapy.

Allergies? She'd buzz around him like a moth to a flame and do anything in her power to keep him having a good time.

Depression? She'd always be calling him to see if he was still alive. The moment he didn't answer was the moment she called the cops and busted him for whatever he might be doing.

No, officer!

Hmm…

He'd have to work on that.

There was no doubting it now. Sasuke had to think up an elaborate excuse as to why he was acting the way he was. It would be the end if he didn't.

Now Naruto was out in the hall, crying her eyes out again. And, once again, Sasuke hadn't done anything. The sadistic part of him that was Itachi told him that that was exactly his problem. Doing nothing. Instead of promptly ignoring it, he listened.

Yes, it was a problem of his. He didn't _do _anything to prevent or fix his issues. He didn't do anything for other people either. When Naruto accomplished twenty repetitions of grueling exercise, a great feat for her, he did nothing. When she was confused and upset, he did nothing. And even now, while she was undoubtedly crying her makeup off in the girls' bathroom, he was sitting in his chair and doing nothing.

Kakashi was currently searching for her, he understood. He'd left the classroom only a minute ago, and now there were more than twenty pieces of gum stuck to the ceiling. As he waited for the silver-haired man to waltz back into class with a blonde in tow, he found himself fruitlessly scratching at his arm warmers and feeling generally uncomfortable. He was doing that much more often lately. Especially when he was anxious.

Damn!

In a spur-of-the-moment movement, he tugged one arm up and bit himself neatly on his bicep. It didn't make him feel any better. It did draw the attention of numerous people across the room, though. He just gave them his characteristic not-scowl and telepathically commanded them not to ask questions.

It worked.

Good.

Fuckers…

A moment later, Kakashi came back to class. Sasuke steeled himself for the guilty feeling that was inevitable when he caught sight of Naruto following him in, but…

She never came in.

Puzzled, he was about to ask where she could be. Kakashi, though, spoke first. "Does Naruto have any special places she likes to go when she's upset?"

Contradictory to what most would assume, the first thought that went through Sasuke's mind wasn't that she could go fuck herself for all he cared. It was more along the lines of 'Holy shit, they got her.'

"Does anyone know where she could've gone?"

It was at that time that Sasuke realized he didn't know where she was. He was somewhat surprised that he didn't know. After all, they had been… er… dating for a while. Didn't he know about at least one place she liked to hang out? He racked his brain for an answer.

No.

No!

No! No! No! No! No!

Dammit, Sasuke! Don't you know _anything_ about her? His Itachi voice told him that of course he didn't. He didn't bother to get to know her that much.

Lord baby Jesus God mercy on a fucking flaming stick!

"I think I might know," Gaara intervened. In an instant, Sasuke was interested and fixed his eyes on the redheaded shrimp. Kakashi walked over to him and asked him where she was. "First of all…" he trailed off temporarily in thought, "I don't think she's in school anymore."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fu…

"And what do you mean by that?" Kakashi asked impatiently. Gaara replied simply, "Judging by how upset she was when she walked out again, I'd suspect that she's no longer in the building."

As if on cue, one of Tsunade's personnel walked in the door and said the principal had seen one of Kakashi's students leaving the campus. Kakashi muttered something about contacting her parents and the man informed him that Tsunade would like to speak with him a moment. Kakashi pointedly ignored the principal's request and turned to Gaara again. "Where do you think she is?" he asked.

"There's a big tree on the northernmost section of the beach. I think you'll find her there."

Kakashi blinked doubtfully. "Do you mean to tell me that she's walking two and a half miles away?"

"Actually it's more than that," Gaara pointed out offhandedly.

Sasuke was just about to scream about how unimportant that tidbit of information was, but Kakashi beat him to it. "That's not the point, Gaara," he said, audibly gritting his teeth through that peculiar bandana-thing around his face.

Gaara shrugged, casting a rueful glance at Sasuke.

"She's walked farther."

----

Gaara watched with flat-out disinterest when Temari jumped as he slammed the door behind him. Neji was prattling away about how much he wanted him to relax and the redhead was just too pissed off to care.

The nerve of some people!

The_ nerve!_

Gaara wanted to ring that goddamn spoiled rotten Uchiha's neck! He'd do it too! But Sasuke-yarou was nowhere to be found. He made due with the nearest squishy object, which just happened to be the stuffed weasel keychain that Temari kept on her backpack. He tore it off of its metal ring, effectively dislodging the zipper in the process, and proceeded to twist its head around, loving the tension he felt as the fibers around its neck began to give way.

"Gaara, don't-" Temari started in her seat, but it was too late. The little smiling weasel's head popped clean off with a satisfying rip. Neji was still prattling to him about relaxing and setting his mind off things, but he couldn't take it. How could he relax when he was just… so… mad!!!

Yashamaru immediately emerged in the doorway to the kitchen with two glasses of iced tea. Gaara accepted the unspoken offer and wearily trudged into the kitchen. His wrath was subdued for a minute or two.

He sat down at the table with Neji and engulfed half of the contents of the glass in two seconds. Feeling slightly more cooled down, his mind felt inclined to finally listen to what Neji was saying.

"Honestly, I don't see what's got you all fired up, Gaara," Neji reasoned, "I know Sasuke's a cold-hearted bastard, but you need to lay off."

"You're damn right he's a bastard!" Gaara growled, "I don't see what Naruto sees in him. He's just a spoiled brat who lives by himself and only thinks about himself!"

"Gaara…"

"Well, it pisses me off!"

"Have another drink."

Gaara obediently sipped at the remaining portion of his tea. That didn't stop his tirade though. "He walks around in his fancy shit and calling the wind fucking-Mariah!"

"That doesn't have to do with any-"

"The fuck it doesn't! He doesn't give a rats ass about Naruto anymore! He argues with her constantly! And now I bet he's sitting in front of his huge-ass TV, drinking beer and acting like nothing happened!"

"Have more of your tea."

Gaara wasn't finished gulping it down when he had more to say. "I just can't believe it. I just can't fucking believe it…" almost unconsciously, he tossed his empty glass into the sink before heading down to his room. He needed to think, by God.

He stomped down his stairs, muttering to himself the whole way. He slammed his feet flat against the cement floor and rampaged past the washing machine and to the end of the hall where his room lay, unconscious to the softer padding of a second pair of feet behind him.

Come to think of it, he'd forgotten about Neji. He glanced sourly behind him.

Oh.

There he was.

What was that bastard doing following him to his room?

"The hell are you here?" he spat viciously. Neji, appearing slightly surprised by the outburst, replied coolly that he was Gaara's company and he wasn't going to sit upstairs and drink iced tea all day. Gaara grumbled to himself and threw the hollow fiberglass door to his room against his wall and stomped in. He didn't bother to close it.

Disregarding the Asian completely, he pillaged his own room, overturning furniture and yelling profanity spasmodically. Neji was watching silently against the doorframe, but Gaara didn't care. He just felt so… Aaargh!

In an extremely out of character action, he threw himself on his bed, grabbed his pillow, buried his face into it, and screamed.

----

Neji was greatly unnerved by Gaara's behavior. An angry Gaara was a dangerous Gaara.

This he knew.

While he waited uneasily for Gaara to stop attacking his room, he sat in the doorway, taking it all in. Gaara lived in a dump, that much was obvious. Everything was everywhere. Different things littered his cold, concrete floor. More had been added to the chaos since Gaara flipped his dresser over. How many intriguing-scented cosmetics could one person have?

A teenage boy, no doubt!

Neji was brought out of his assessment of the room when a scratchy, high pitched whine came from somewhere in the room. Neji jerked his head to the noise, instantly regretting it when a sharp, tense pain seized his neck. He promptly ignored the sensation.

There was Gaara, twisted up in his sheets, screeching himself hoarse into a pillow. Neji felt instantly alarmed, being the loving, caring, overprotective boyfriend he was supposed to be. He snuck over to the redhead's side and sat there on his bed. The dying thing moaned and sighed, sagging downward in defeat.

Gaara poked his head out of his pillow and stared accusingly at the Hyuga.

What the hell was wrong with him?

"What's wrong with you, Gaara?" Neji asked quietly, leaning on one elbow and lounging in his spot.

Gaara scowled. "I've been telling you that for the past hour," here, he took a sharp breath and barked at Neji, "Have you been listening to a single word I've been saying?"

Neji resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Gaara's childishness. "Have you been listening to a single word _I've_ been saying?" he retorted softly, careful not to rile Gaara any more with his rudeness.

Gaara seemed to notice, as his hair flattened somewhat and his eyes narrowed. He turned his head away from Neji and sat there for a while.

Neji was content to let him sit.

Finally, Gaara sighed heavily and the angry aura around him began to dissipate. The euphoria of his ferocity was wearing off quickly, Neji cold tell. He smiled a little and scooted closer, ignoring the protest of the bed beneath him.

There had to be a reason for his little red-haired wonder to suddenly flare up like that.

Another reason.

"Gaara," Neji mentioned, drawing the attention of said boy, "this is more than Sasuke and Naruto isn't it?"

Gaara said nothing. Silent as the grave. Neji took this to be a very definite yes. Intrigued, he wondered further. Maybe it was a personal thing. Maybe it was another soap-opera-like cliché. Something about 'being in someone else's shoes,' maybe?

Perhaps.

Neji wasn't in the mood to pry. Neither was Gaara, it appeared.

Neji rolled over on his side, next to Gaara. The redhead turned and scooted away, curling up into a selfish little ball. Of course, Neji knew Gaara well enough not to interpret this as an 'I hate you for asking and I want you to go away and never ask me personal questions again,' sort of roll-away. Gaara would prefer the use of a far shorter and more intimidating phrase.

'Ask more questions and I'll castrate you.'

That about summed it up.

Grilling Gaara for answers was actually very far from his mind at that time.

Lying on a bed with the maniac of one's dreams could do that to a man. Especially when the aforementioned maniac had promised something to said man.

Neji was a pervert.

Yes he was.

If you're horny and you know it, clap your hands…

And now, much thanks to his own eager imagination, there was a hot pressure building below his abdomen. He quickly reminded himself that now was _not _the most opportune time to get a boner. Gaara was mad. He was most likely feeling emotional, and the best thing to do when dealing with an emotional teenage lover, who most likely wanted to talk and cry his or her eyes out, was most certainly was not to have senseless, mindless sex with him or her.

He did his best not to notice Gaara's enticingly slim waist, the gentle curves of his ironically angelic face, milky white skin, and sharp collarbone beckoning to him from the collar of his loose fitting shirt…

Fuck.

What a bad day.

Well, he _was _sitting in Gaara's room, and he _was_ on Gaara's bed. He might as well take advantage of the situation. Maybe if he went slowly, Gaara wouldn't flip out and banish him from sight for being a selfish, sex-crazed wild-man. Besides…

His hard-on wasn't going to go without a fight. Neji figured he might as well humor it.

----

Gaara was in the middle of feeling moderately angry at life, the universe, and everything when he was interrupted by another creaking of his bed as Neji crept closer. He half expected him to bring up the earlier topic of 'It's personal, isn't it?' and when he didn't, Gaara was greatly relieved.

Truth be told, it wasn't personal at all.

Wasn't personal.

Wasn't personal…

It was obvious that Neji was going to say something, but he apparently thought better of himself and Gaara drifted in another wave of perpetual silence. Finally, another rustle of the sheets and Gaara shuddered at how close Neji's voice was to his ear.

"I think you need to loosen up, Gaara."

Oh, right now 'loosen up' could mean so many different things… It was probably Neji's aim to be ambiguous. An arm snaked its way around his waist and Gaara stared in awe at it. Then, he found himself being slowly drawn backward by said arm and encountered a warm surface which he assumed to be Neji's chest. The hand that was until recently resting on his side came up to bury itself in his hair and play with it. Gaara crossed his eyes trying to keep track of it.

Gaara's earlier grudge with Sasuke was quickly being shoved from his mind as another more immediate problem began to take its place. He had no idea what to do.

He sat there, rigid and unsure of what was happening to him as Neji's all-too calm hand worked its way through the jungle that was his hair.

He was then inspired to remember a certain promise that he'd made to the other teen. He smirked disbelievingly.

So _that_ was what he was after! That meant that the reason why he put up with Gaara's earlier rampage was…

Gaara chuckled a little.

That sneaky little bastard.

"Something funny?" Neji asked curiously. Gaara only sighed and shook his head, still feeling uncomfortable. The Asian noticed, it seemed, as he paused in his hair-conquest and gave him a half-hearted noogie. "You need to unwind a little, Gaara."

Gaara twisted his upper body around, looked Neji in the eye and retorted smartly, saying, "And I bet you have just the way to do it."

Neji's pale blue eyes widened a bit, then he smiled mischievously. "How did you know?" he asked in mock politeness. At this, Gaara smirked wryly. "The word 'sex' is written all over your face."

"Is it now?" Neji asked sarcastically, touching a hand to his face and crossing his eyes.

Gaara rolled his eyes and timidly nudged Neji's face away. It sounded like such a good idea during the week, but now he wasn't so sure. Time was a bitch.

But…

He didn't want to frustrate Neji. At least, that's the only reason he could come up with for the sudden raging of teenage hormones. He wondered in horror if… if he went through this, he'd suddenly lose all thought and reason. In those few moments, what if his intellect suddenly plummeted between that of a quail and an unusually heavy bowling ball?

And all that was left was sex, sex, sex?

Hmmm…

Neji was quiet for a long time. Gaara interpreted this as impatience and all angry thoughts he was fuming about earlier vanished. He very quickly began to feel more panicky than he'd ever felt in his entire life.

_Second_.

Second most panicky.

Gods above.

He was being such a _girl!_ But it was difficult. And what if… Gah! He was driving himself mad. He could have used a little comforting about then.

And it came on cue, too. Neji's arm wound its way around Gaara's hips again and in a moment, the Asian boy's breath was in his ear. "Gaara," it sighed, "look." Gaara dared to look, if only for a moment. Neji wasn't glowering at him with clouded eyes as he would've thought. He looked almost sympathetic, much to Gaara's amazement. Not that he minded, of course.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," he murmured. Gaara half-smiled at this. "I wouldn't be disappointing anyone?"

Gaara saw Neji's pale eyes drift southward. "Well, I think _someone _will be disappointed."

Gaara scoffed impishly, feeling a bit better about himself. "What, you_ named _it?"

Neji frowned at him, "No!" he made a face, "Besides, that'd be… weird."

"Yes, it would."

"You wanna' name it?"

"I'd prefer not to."

"Suit yourself."

Gaara stole another glance at Neji. He found himself drifting in thought again. Neji was so…

Well.

There wasn't exactly a word he could describe him with. Though the words stunning, beautiful, and gorgeous came instantly to mind. Delicious even dared to peek out of the box in his mind. None of these words quite fit him to a 't' though.

Of course, it was inevitable that the more he thought about him, the more radiant and neon-pink the promise he had made to Neji became. Then it would quickly retreat the moment Gaara thought too much about it. He was a pessimist, he knew, and he was thoroughly sick of it. Sure, he wanted to change it, but it was like a phobia. It was irrational and he couldn't get rid of it.

Another look at Neji and he'd spiral into another whirlpool of hope. Then, when he went too far, it would spit him back out onto the dry, barren beach that called itself 'doubt.'

If only he could pick a thought and stay with it.

On one hand, he could grab the bull by the horns and have the greatest night of his life.

On the other…

Well…

He had different fingers.

So what the hell was keeping him giving Neji what he wanted? What was the downside?

He was about one hundred percent sure he wasn't going to have to worry about teen pregnancy. Now wouldn't that be fun? Score one for Gaara the Sand Freak. Another thing to add to the list of reasons that no one liked him.

Except Neji.

And maybe Naruto, but Gaara wasn't making it a point to think about him right now, was he?

He'd give Neji that.

He made him feel good. Made him feel…

Needed.

He rolled over and faced Neji, looking him over one last time. God knew there would be times after tonight that he would feel better, but what if Neji's dad found out? Yashamaru couldn't do anything to them, but Neji's father certainly could. What if he found out and Neji moved away because of it? Neji made Gaara feel special. And Gaara wanted to make Neji feel special too. There wasn't anything bad about him.

Well, save for the fact that he could be a stubborn jackass whenever he felt inclined to do so.

But damn, did he look good doing it.

Gaara felt something that he couldn't say he'd felt before. Something hot inside of him.

And it wanted out.

As he reached out and twisted his fingers into the cotton of Neji's shirt, the last thing he thought was that he'd be damned if he wasn't letting it out.

----

Neji was watching Gaara, who seemed content with staring straight through him, and feeling somewhat disappointed and selfish. But it appeared he failed to notice the growing shimmer in Gaara's sea foam-tinted eyes. Before he knew what hit him, something reached out and pulled him in for-

Well.

Neji was totally unprepared for what happened after that.

He was almost sure he was deluding himself. The hands that yanked him closer were _not _Gaara's and the tongue that was currently exploring its way around his own was _not _Gaara's, and-

Oh hell.

Who was he kidding?

There was nothing to complain about now, was there? He all too joyfully flipped things around. His tongue woke up and ravished Gaara's, lazily at first as he relished the moment. He picked up speed, however, when Gaara uttered an enticing little moan. His grip around the small of Gaara's back tightened and he nearly crushed the redhead to him.

Something brushed against the inside of his thigh and he groaned with the sensation, the bulge in his pants only getting bigger. Gaara gasped a little too and the hold he had on Neji's shirt intensified.

Neji broke their kiss after a _very _long time. Gaara, who was now more beneath him than beside him, lay there panting like every breath would be his last.

Boy, was he going to have a rough time of it.

Neji was a little winded too. "What made you change your mind so quickly?" he breathed, laughing as much as his loss of breath would permit. Gaara scowled at him. Neji just _knew_ he was thinking of some smart-ass comeback, but he wasn't going to be very intimidating while his face was still flushed that delicious shade of pink.

"You would've raped me anyway," he stated, still breathing harder than normal.

"Oh, that hurt," Neji replied with his particular breed of lazy sarcasm before rolling Gaara completely on his back and kissing the soft skin of his neck. Gaara moaned, tilting his head back and unwittingly giving Neji better access. Neji leapt at the door of opportunity and went out of his way to suck greedily at Gaara's temptingly pink skin. He marveled at how soft it was. There were no bumps, scratches or scars to speak of. It was so warm, milky white and velvety. Creamy. Gaara's skin was creamy. And damn, was it delicious. Neji nipped at it experimentally.

"Neji!" Gaara yelped with surprise at the harsh contact. The addressed allowed himself a silky smile before apologetically running his tongue along the small puncture marks he left behind. He then swirled his tongue around the spot and sucked at it.

"You're going to give me a hickey, aren't you?" Gaara sighed, sounding rather annoyed. Neji knew better.

He smiled and released Gaara's neck, kissing it lightly, "How else are people supposed to know you're taken?"

"You're mean," the redhead chided, teasing a lock of Neji's hair.

"Mmm," Neji purred in agreement. And just to prove what a bad, evil man he was, he was going to torture Gaara in the most sensual way he could.

He slipped his hand beneath Gaara's shirt and palmed the smooth muscles of his chest. The redhead wriggled a little and, much to Neji's delight, his inexperienced hands decided to repay the favor. Despite Gaara's awkward way of going about it, it felt… good. He could feel the other boy's soft hands roving about his back, thin fingers lightly brushing the knots in his spine.

Neji's lips met Gaara's again.

And again, and again, and again.

In the time between, he admired Gaara's radiant aquamarine eyes. He could see a myriad of emotions there. There was lust, of course, pleasure, and a tinge of uncertainty. Neji wasn't entirely sure he liked the last.

Then again, it made him feel kinda' good.

Maybe Gaara hadn't ever been with anyone else. And Neji? Well… Neji had been a little too cavalier in his personal life. He was reminded of that when he invited Gaara out to lunch with his cousins. He remembered the odd glances one of his cousins had stolen between the two of them when she thought he wasn't looking. Thank the Lord she didn't ask questions.

God knew she would've ruined him.

The daffy bitch.

Where was he?

Oh yes.

His concentration was gradually being reduced to oblivion as his hands wandered southward. They abruptly halted at the buckle of Gaara's belt. Now, if he were to look back on the moment, he probably would've felt like an asshole that he didn't ask Gaara's permission to rip his belt apart and ravish him. Luck would have it, Neji's desire had gotten the better of him as he fumbled with Gaara's belt.

He'd nearly gotten it off too, and then Gaara squirmed out of his grasp. Neji stared at him stupidly before asking why. "What if-" gasp, "Yashamaru-" gasp, "comes in?" Gaara panted.

Jesus. Neji wondered if Gaara would always have such intense mood swings before sex.

He continued his relentless stare of 'what-the-fuck-was-that-for-ness,' and then he decided that Gaara had a point. He made a move to comfort him.

"So what if he does?" Neji breathed, "What's he going to do about it?"

Gaara hesitated, "Don't you think it would be… embarrassing?"

The corner of Neji's lips curled upward in a languid Cheshire grin. "Believe me, Gaara," he purred, "I'm sure you have nothing to be embarrassed about."

The redhead's skin turned another shade of pink, "I think I would." Then he stared into Neji's eyes, "You have absolutely no shame, do you?"

"Nope," Neji admitted confidently.

Gaara looked at him funny.

Neji rolled his eyes. "You know better than I do that he's a baby. We have nothing to worry about."

Gaara sighed. Neji noticed with amusement that he was pawing at the bruise on his neck. "I suppose," he conceded, still looking wholly uncomfortable with the idea.

The bulge in Neji's pants was screaming that he should fuck the redhead through the floor anyway. Then, out of desperation, he got an idea. He was somewhat surprised he hadn't thought of it earlier.

"We can lock your door," he stated triumphantly.

Gaara blinked, a hot, pink blush still lingering on his milky skin. Neji grinned _very_ seductively in an attempt to speed up Gaara's decision.

It worked.

Gaara's blush deepened and he looked aside, "Well, I suppose we could do that. It's not going to prevent anyone from hearing us, but… hell. They don't come this far down the hallway anyway. And I really want to get rid of this bed."

Ah, the ramblings of a person trying to convince himself to dive off the deep end.

Neji could swear he heard his pants cheering.

"Does that mean you'll stop angsting and let me fuck you?" he asked racily.

Gaara gave him a look before promptly disregarding him, dashing over to the door, and locking it securely. Out of pure paranoia, he stood there with one ear to the door, eyes darting from side to side.

Neji rolled his eyes again and slunk over to Gaara, wrapping his arms around him and dragging him back. "Stop worrying," Neji chided. Then he grinned, teasing the tip of Gaara's ear with his tongue. "You're ruining my fun."

"And heaven forbid I should ruin_ your _fun," Gaara grouched, "_I _don't matter, do I? Oh Lordy! Little Grumpy Gaara's taking a few extra steps to make sure his life isn't made a complete hell, and in doing so, is ruining Neji's _fun_! God, smite me now!"

Neji grinned wickedly as he flung Gaara down on the noisy bed again. He was more than happy to know that his stubborn lover was still in there somewhere. He could do without the constant bickering, but that could be fixed easily. He crushed his body to Gaara's and silenced him with his lips. He fumbled with Gaara's belt again. When he had trouble for the second time, Neji realized with annoyance that while they were arguing, he'd redone his belt buckle when Neji was distracted.

Oh well.

Neji was feeling optimistic.

All the more for him to plunder.

He wrested Gaara's belt free at last and tossed it aside, stealing a glance at him again as he did so. The redhead looked mighty uncomfortable with the loss of the only thing keeping Neji from screwing him senseless.

Gawd, he was difficult.

Neji caressed up Gaara's side in an attempt to make him feel better, pushing his shirt over his head in the process. Gaara complied, tossing it aside to converse with his lost belt.

This was a good sign.

Neji discarded his own shirt and belt to make them even. He kissed Gaara again, sucking on his swollen lips, then his jaw, then moving to lap at his collarbone. He left a trail of kisses down Gaara's chest, relishing the way he twisted and grabbed a fistful of Neji's hair when he nipped and swirled his tongue around a hardening pink nipple.

Gaara was whimpering his name now, and Neji loved it. He'd played with Gaara enough. One hand trailed down Gaara's midriff and delved into the elastic of his underwear. Gaara inhaled a sharp breath of air, arching into Neji and groping for a hold on his back.

He moaned the Asian's name and twitched as Neji's hand came to rest something that was just as warm and hard as he was.

At least Gaara's body had nothing to hold it back.

"Ne-ji! S-stop!" Gaara whimpered, arching his back again as Neji caressed his arousal.

"Feel's good though," Neji whispered huskily, "Doesn't it?"

"That's not- ah!" Gaara clenched his fists and bucked his hips upward. Neji gasped when Gaara brushed up against him. Pleasure broke over him like a giant wave and he found himself being forcefully dragged off by it.

The heat in his abdomen made itself very well known and Neji had no intention of ignoring it. He crushed his lips to Gaara's, forcing them open and jerking his head back with his free hand.

Gaara yelped into the dark-haired boy's mouth, then moaned pleasurably as Neji massaged the pain away with his hot, soft tongue. Neji pulled back, his lips releasing Gaara's with a sharp 'smack.'

"Lotion," Neji panted, glaring hungrily at the boy beneath him. Gaara gave him a strange look, but didn't ask. The Asian waited impatiently as Gaara searched his mind. Suddenly, his attention snapped back to Neji.

"Why the hell would a guy have lotion in his room?"

Well.

Neji couldn't answer that question without seeming like a total whore, so he opted to ask what other… and here he 'ahemed,' lubricant might be lying around his room. Gaara goggled at him for a split second before racking his brain for an answer.

"How about that stuff you keep in those tubes over there?" Neji suggested impatiently.

Gaara snorted at him and the corner of his bruised lips twitched. "My henna?"

"Yeah that. You think it'd work?"

"Not unless you want your dick dyed one shade darker than the rest of you," Gaara remarked snidely.

Neji snorted before asking if he had any better ideas, because their frequent delays were killing him. Gaara replied with a 'and how do you think I feel,' causing Neji to make several complaints about how much he was fretting over it earlier. Gaara ignored him.

Neji was about to suggest forgetting about lubrication and just fucking him dry when Gaara spoke up again. "Hang on," he said. Neji frowned. The redhead had a suspiciously keen smile on his face.

Soon, Neji found out why.

A couple of the Asian's fingers had been taken hostage. Gaara had grasped his hand in his own and was pinching Neji's index, middle, and ring fingers between his own. Neji was stuck speculating about what he would do next.

He was taken completely by surprise.

Gaara drew Neji in and his tongue snaked out from between his lips, coating the tips of Neji's long, elegant fingers with a glossy coat of saliva. He held Neji's hand where it was, and Neji couldn't bring himself to move it. The dark-haired boy was speechless. Gaara cocked his head to the side and smirked at Neji in the loftiest way.

"Do go on," Neji gulped.

Gaara laughed at him. Neji might've gotten mad at what seemed to be a sudden change in the title of 'He-Who-is-on-Top,' but the sight of Gaara languidly drawing his fingers into his mouth drove him absolutely insane. His lined eyelids were half closed and two green half-moons arrogantly peeked out from beneath them. Neji knew Gaara was trying to rile him up.

And it was working, damn him!

He was going to wipe that smug look off his face.

Neji leered at Gaara in an equally condescending way before slowly pulling his coated hand out of Gaara's grasp. A thin strand of saliva trailed behind. The redhead stuck his tongue out at him. Neji wouldn't have any more of it. He pressed himself down on top of Gaara again and captured those pouting lips with his own.

"Had your fun?" he asked gruffly.

"Yes," Gaara stated definitely.

Taking this to be yet another cocky response, Neji tugged Gaara's pants off his slim hips with his dry hand and Gaara assisted him with his own pair of jeans. Not long after, they were both naked as the day they were born.

Much to Neji's surprise, Gaara wasn't complaining.

And he liked it.

He took a moment to admire his catch. Gaara had a positively _delicious _body, and he only wondered how he could stand hiding it under all those layers of dark-colored clothing. Gaara twitched under his gaze, silently asking him to quit his ocular rape session and get on with it.

What?

Gaara was bored with looking at him?

Bastard.

"Don't worry," Neji soothed, breath brushing against the fine hair on Gaara's neck and making him shudder, "this'll only hurt for a moment."

He slid a slick finger into Gaara, stretching him. Gaara gasped at the intrusion and gave Neji a surprised look. The Asian smiled seductively and leaned in, kissing his lover's jaw before taking a fold of his light, warm skin between his lips and sucking it. Gaara moaned softly and wrapped his arms around Neji's back. He inserted another finger, feeling Gaara tighten around him. "Relax, I know what I'm doing," Neji purred, brushing his lips against Gaara's ear again. He moved his fingers slowly in and out and from side to side "That's –nngh- supposed to make me happy?" Gaara groused in a scratchy voice.

"Stop arguing," Neji breathed, running his free hand up Gaara's length. The redhead threw his head back and moaned in ecstasy. Neji grinned again. He inserted a third and final finger and Gaara whined and moaned, squirming under his touch. He tightened his grasp around Neji's back. "It hurts," he hissed.

"It'll get better," Neji breathed, sucking on another choice spot on Gaara's neck. He'd lost track of how many bruises he'd given him.

And there were more to come.

Gaara yelped as all Neji's fingers were removed at once. The Asian gave him a reassuring smile, "You sure you're okay with this?"

"I think so."

"You can back out of this if you want, you know."

"I can handle it."

"You sure?"

"Yes"

"Absolutely sure?"

"Yes!"

"Absolutely positively-"

"Get on with it, you bastard!"

Neji smirked triumphantly. "As you wish." Neji positioned himself at Gaara's entrance, kissing him one last time before he eased himself in. He would've gone faster, as his nerves were buzzing like crazy, but he didn't want to hurt Gaara. If he went too fast, he was sure he'd scare the other boy half to death.

Gaara gasped sharply and wrapped his legs around Neji's waist, locking his ankles and clinging to him for life. Neji didn't mind the pressure and he pressed on. He pushed himself in as far as he could, then out again. Gaara cried out in a mixture of pain and ecstasy, fueling Neji's desire.

Once he was sure Gaara was used to the feeling, he slammed back into him, causing the redhead to yell out his name and tighten his legs around his waist. Neji moved in and out, slowly at first. Breathing became harder and heavier as he tried his best to keep himself from going too fast. He kissed Gaara's shoulders repeatedly between gasps for air and buried his face in the crook of Gaara's neck, panting and groaning.

He sped up and Neji knew by the pitch of that yell and the 'more' that accompanied it, that he'd hit Gaara's special spot.

Gaara's cries and pleas along with the unspeakable feeling of pleasure he was experiencing were driving him over the edge. The heat inside of him was building and he wanted to hit that spot inside Gaara as much as he could before it was over. He thrust in and out of the other boy until the moment arrived and he came inside of Gaara with a powerful thrust and a cry.

The other boy twisted and tightened around him. He came with a yell immediately after, his seed warm against Neji's stomach.

He didn't know how long they lay there, panting in each other's arms. Neji felt at peace; light as a feather and happy as an angel, though he knew he was _very_ far from the latter. He chuckled, running his fingers through Gaara's sweaty red hair and kissing him lightly on the cheek.

Gaara sighed through his nose and snuggled up to Neji. The Hyuga watched mirthfully as Gaara's hand fumbled around for a blanket. By the looks of things, he found one and draped it over their naked bodies.

"Wasn't that fun?" Neji asked tiredly, tracing lazy circles on Gaara's back.

"If it weren't for me, it wouldn't have happened," the other boy halfheartedly shot back.

It was true, of course, but Neji wanted the last laugh anyway. "Yes, you and your mood swings helped a _lot_, lemme' tell you..."

Gaara blew a raspberry at him, "Whatever. I suggested it, and I came up with the idea of sucking on your fingers. Where would you be without me?"

"I'd still be happy and you'd be complaining about your sore ass."

"Bastard."

"You know it."

Gaara laughed and shoved him away. Neji happily rebounded.

The Hyuga waited for his lover to start his tirade about how he hadn't accomplished his objective. Of course, Neji would always be there to tell him rather suggestively that maybe it would break next time. Sure enough, Gaara punched his mattress. "I still feel kind of peeved that the bed didn't-"

And then the bed conveniently sagged, bent, shrieked, crashed, and ceased to be.

Hot damn.

Neji was digging his nails into the mattress and Gaara was wrapped around him like an exceptionally rigid slinky.

"Well," Neji breathed.

And that was all he had to say about that.

----

Chibi Sasuke: MY EYESSSS!!!

Chibi Naruto: Omigeez!

Me: Hooray lemon! Hooray Emmie and Nae-chan and Lyn-Lyn! For without them, this chapter would've been devoured by my recycling bin! And I would now be mince meat, if I'm not already… -blinku-

Chibi Neji: Another chapter is finished!

Chibi Gaara: Yeah. So how long's it been, Swirly? FIFTY DAYS???

Me: Quiet, you.

Chibi Gaara: -mutters- Nevertheless, we assure you that Swirly is alive and well.

Me: Maybe not well…

Chibi Gaara: She's been under a lot of stress lately. School and all. Algebra 2's a bitch. That and her printer is once again out of ink. That always seems to happen at the least opportune of times, ne?

Me: o.O Don't look at me!

Chibi Gaara: Anyway, review! Swirly knows she's been a bitch about updating, but please, if you starve her, she'll die. And if she's dead, this thing will NEVER get updated.

Chibi Neji: Hellz yeah.

Chibi Gaara: Review, review, review!


	17. 17: An Escape

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Raisin Bran? Yuck.

Me: Er… hi again.

Chibi Gaara: What's with the 'er?'

Me: Well, I haven't quite got anything witty to say.

Chibi Sasuke: -cheers-

Chibi Gaara: I'm sure you'll think of something.

Me: I certainly hope so. It's bumming me out.

Chibi Naruto: -le-gasp- Swirly is DEPRESSED!

Me: Yeah, well, so are you!

Chibi Naruto: Ohmigawsh I am! –cries and hides in a corner-

Me: Well, I feel better now! Fancy that!

Chibi Sasuke: You like to see Naruto cry?

Me: No.

Chibi Gaara: Then what?

Me: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Chibi Sasuke: -diez-

Chibi Gaara: Right-o. Whatever you say. Anyway, welcome to another chapter of JLH. Swirly's veeeeerry happy to see you, I'm sure.

Me: even though I can't really see you…

Chibi Gaara: -duct tapes her mouth shut and shoves her in a closet- Don't worry. We'll slip pieces of soggy bread and a keyboard underneath the door. You have nothing to worry about. Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 17**

He was surprised at how fast his weekend was going. Maybe it was his brooding onset of depression talking, but to him it seemed that Saturday hadn't really been there at all. Friday evening just passed all of Saturday amiss and went straight to Sunday.

These were Naruto's thoughts as he lay underneath the blankets on his bed. His mom had tried to wind him up and shove him off the mattress at least five times that morning, but to no avail.

Come twelve-o-clock and he hadn't been bothered.

At least not yet.

"Hey Naruto-honey!" His mom's smoky voice called from beneath the floor, "I'm making miso ramen for lunch! Your favorite! Better come down before I eat it all!"

Naruto's stomach didn't even growl. He wasn't the least bit hungry.

He twisted his comforter tighter around his body.

"Naruto?"

He wasn't listening.

That Friday, when Naruto ran out of school, he knew where he was going.

There was a tree at the end of the beach. It was quite large and clumsy compared to everything else, and no matter how many times he looked at it, the thing just looked awkward standing all by its lonesome in the beach grass. There were other trees, of course, but they all looked the same and were much more slender and…

Beachy.

This particular tree had a trunk like no-one could believe. It was massive and rich-colored and when Naruto tried to wrap his arms around it, his fingertips wouldn't even touch. It was older than old. The knots and bumps all over its bark were proof of that. They were easy for him to grab a hold of, so when he was little he thought it made a great climbing tree.

By all means, a tree like that couldn't possibly have survived in a six foot deep layer of sand. It'd get blown over or it would shrivel up and starve to death.

His mom told him that it had done just the opposite.

Apparently, the tree grew up around the city center in a small park. There had been a duck pond and a picnic area and all that fun family stuff. She also told him that her first kiss with Naruto's dad had been under that tree.

Of course, since the park was so perfect and serene, the city just _had_ to tear it up and build a parking garage in its place.

Funny how that worked.

His mom told him that she and his dad used to be dirty, smelly, tea-drinking hippies and they petitioned to have the tree moved somewhere else.

Whoever it was who was moving the tree said that they were nuts, but agreed to move it for them if they would pay for it and leave him alone. Of course, they were both more than happy to empty all their funds to save the tree.

'We were going to use that money for a cruise on our honeymoon,' his mom had said, 'but we were young and stupid and hugged a tree instead.'

He asked them where they wanted it, and Naruto's mother and father just wanted it safe where no one would bother cutting it down.

So there it was.

On the beach.

They went to visit it and talk to it (you know, to make sure it wasn't scared and stuff), and they drove by every day to make sure it was doing okay. Naruto and Kyuubi had this inside joke going, stating simply that Naruto wasn't their first child.

He half believed her.

From what he'd heard, they took care of it and treated it like a kid in kindergarten. They'd drive by and see it off every morning, then talk to it in the evening to see if it had a bad day.

'There were a few beachgoers who thought we were schizos.'

Naruto could see why.

But there was something about that tree. It was big, dark and quiet; a presence that didn't tower over the roof of his mind, but loomed quietly and omnisciently off in the distance. It was always there and it didn't move.

It was practically begging to be talked to.

Naruto once complained that it didn't talk back. That was when his mom told him that sometimes the things that listen best are the things that don't talk at all.

Anyway, the tree was only average height when it was plucked out of the ground. The man who relocated it laughed at what fools my parents were and said that it wouldn't live very long. However, after a week or two, the thing shot up like a weed. Its leaves got greener, its trunk got thicker, its bark grew blacker, and its roots were tangled up in a hodgepodge of knots and twists that bulged out of the ground at all angles.

The year Naruto was born, and the two-year anniversary of the tree's new life, it was taller than the malt shop and its three floors of apartments across the street.

When he was younger, Naruto went there for fun. His mom would trick him about hearing the tree talk to her when the wind blew through its leaves.

It said some pretty nasty things.

And it was a dirty rotten liar.

His dad had died sometime around then. After that Naruto and his mom went to the tree only on occasion, and in an entirely different mood. Naruto went with his mom because she wouldn't let him stay alone at home. When he was little, he never really understood why his mom wanted to go.

As he got smarter, he realized that it was a time for reflection for her. Her time with his dad had been short and sweet. She wanted to relive every moment that she could before she forgot what it felt like. When he was amusing himself with a leaf high up in the tree, he'd hear her laugh out of the blue, and then it would be gone. He'd ask her what was funny and she'd shrug him off and tell him that she was just thinking. The first time he saw her cry was when they were both sitting in the very same spots, him in the tree and her under it. He heard his mom sniffling, so he crawled out on a branch and hung upside down from it to see what she was crying about. She shook her head and told him it was nothing again.

Naruto got older and even smarter, he sniggered at his very loose placement of the word 'smart,' and he went to the tree more often. It was fun, though he had no idea why. The answer came to him one evening in the summer when an especially warm breeze danced by.

He realized with a smile that the reason he kept coming back was that his dad was there.

The calm atmosphere was just like him, and the sighing wind that occasionally whipped up and blew a leaf in his face was just his way of saying hello.

The tears welled up in Naruto's eyes and his nose started to sting. That was why he ended up there yesterday. Because he needed to talk to someone and his dad was always there to listen.

The sound of knuckles on wood reached his ears. "Naruto?" It was his mom. "Naruto, are you in there?"

Naruto didn't answer. He just burrowed even further into his nest of starchy, scratchy blankets, wanting to curl up and disappear. He didn't want to talk to his mom, and he really didn't want her to see him crying. Then, she'd start sniffling and the house would turn into one big bawlfest.

He shut his eyes tight and squeezed the folds of fabric in his fists as he heard the brassy knob on his door twist with the grating din of metal on metal. The door made a few soft, jumpy, squeaking noises and Naruto knew that if he looked now, his mom's bluish eyes would be peering at him from the hallway.

"Naruto?" her voice was concerned, "Hon, are you okay?"

"Go 'way," Naruto replied.

Kyuubi didn't say anything for a while and for a second, Naruto thought she was going to leave. No such luck. Naruto's box spring bed creaked and shuddered when his mom sat on the corner nearest the door.

"Still thinking about Friday?"

Naruto stayed quiet. Kyuubi took this to be a yes and she asked him if he wanted to talk about it.

"Go 'way," was his highly intelligent answer.

His mom sighed. "I'm not going away until we talk about this. At first I thought, 'oh, he's just having a teenage boyfriend depression spell,' but if you won't come downstairs for miso ramen, I know there's something wrong with you."

Naruto didn't say anything. He was too busy trying to un-mist his eyes before his mom came looking. Once again, no such luck.

He felt his shell of blankets being peeled away and soon a pinprick of light along with his mom's worried face came into view.

"Oh honey," his mom sighed, wrapping her arms around him in a comforting fashion and Naruto couldn't help but sob his eyes out into her shirt.

Naruto, once happily called the Queen of all Whores, had been reduced to a wailing mess. He couldn't get over it. He was _sad_. Woe to the world when he was really, madly, and truly sad.

Kyuubi waited for him to stop hiccupping before she mentioned anything. "You wanna' tell me what you're crying about? Cuz' this sure isn't about Sasuke anymore."

Oh.

He'd completely forgotten about that.

"Go 'wa-"

"Oh whatever." Kyuubi kidded and pulled on his hair in an attempt to make him feel better. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I don't want to," Naruto lied.

"Yes you do," Kyuubi stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "So what's got you down?"

Naruto hesitated for a minute. What if his mom broke down again and didn't talk to him the rest of the day? Well, at least it would get her out of his room. He didn't want to think that way though. Maybe he could just get it over with.

Sounded like a plan.

He thought for another moment before mumbling, "Dad…"

"He's been dead for a long time now," Kyuubi sighed, "I thought you were over that."

Naruto nodded, sniffling again. "Just thinkin' about the tree story."

"Mmkay," his mom replied rather quiescently. Naruto got the idea that she wasn't all there. She was probably daydreaming again.

Just when he thought things were going well too…

His mom wasn't going to say anything else, so he elaborated. "On Friday when I went there, I talked to him."

"Did he say anything back?" His mom asked in a slightly moony tone of voice. The sad thing was, she sounded like half expected an answer. Naruto shook his head.

"Bastard," Kyuubi chuckled, sounding slightly peeved.

Naruto blinked up at her.

"He promised to call every week!" She slapped her knee indignantly with the palm of her hand.

Naruto giggled in spite of himself. His mom was okay, at least for the moment, and that was good.

"'Kay," she said, giving Naruto a noogie, "We've had our girly cry-your-eyes-out time. Now how 'bout that ramen?"

Naruto wiped his tears on the back of his hand before giving her a thumbs-up sign.

Everything was going to be okay.

----

Everything was _not _going to be okay.

Sasuke was pacing back and forth, from one room to the next, sitting down in his recliner, getting up again, eating, drinking coffee, and just plain muttering to himself.

All weekend.

Endlessly.

It had been this way on Saturday too. Which, by the way, had been the longest day in Sasuke's LIFE.

Holy SHIT.

He paced around after school, chewing on his nails and wondering what the fuck he was going to do. When he finally fell asleep on the couch while watching some movie on one of his infinite movie channels, he had a horrid nightmare and hadn't been able to sleep since. He was a wreck. He hadn't had a shower, done his hair, changed clothes, or plotted revenge yet that weekend.

It was very un-Sasuke.

Then again, Naruto had a way with making him un-Sasuke. He was normally a quiet, dark, 'I don't give a damn' sort of person. Then she showed up and his world flipped itself on its back and flailed its legs in the air.

He stumbled over to the arm of his sofa, flipping around and allowing gravity to pull him down as he fell over it onto the leather cushions. He massaged his temples with both hands and groaned.

God, he needed to talk to her.

That was assuming there was even a her to talk to!

Good going, super-genius Sasuke!

He glanced over at his phone. To call or not to call? Call, not call, call, not call, call, not, call, not, yes, no, yes, no, up, down, up, down, right, left, right, left, if you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around…

Jesus Christ!

Beer. He needed beer.

No sooner had he thought it than he decided it was hopeless. He couldn't get up. He was utterly exhausted and he couldn't fall asleep because his fucking mind wouldn't stop thinking! One bad thought after another! The dirtiest conscience in all of history was right here!

In his head!

Sasuke took a deep breath. He was having an attack. He needed to sort things out. Of course, that's what he'd been doing for the past two days and now he couldn't sleep and now he was in terrible shape and now he needed a fix and now he was almost out of heroine and now he was panicking again!

He. Could. Hear. Himself. Thinking. It was reverberating off the walls. His mind was holding a million conversations at once and he didn't know which one he was supposed to listen to.

His heart skipped a beat when his phone rang. He wasn't going to let it sit another instant. He picked it up. "Naruto?" he answered deliriously, waiting anxiously for her to reply back.

"Who's that?"

Sasuke didn't have much time to be surprised, as he quickly became angry at the phone for ringing for the wrong person. "Kabuto?" he choked and deflated, completely defeated.

"Yes. Is something wrong?"

"No…"

"I see. Well… did you just say 'Naruto?'"

Oh, Jesus. "Um…" Sasuke's mind went blank and he slammed his foot repeatedly into the back of the couch, "Uh… Ummm… Uhh…" he kicked the arm of the sofa as hard as he could, "Godammit!"

"Sasuke? Are you sure you're okay?" the white-haired secretary asked in a shrill voice.

"No!" Sasuke stuttered, "I mean yes! I mean… shit!"

"Sasuke? Do you need help?" Kabuto asked urgently.

"I'm having a bad day!" Sasuke yelled hoarsely into the phone, "Call back later!" Before Kabuto had a chance to object, he hung up the phone and smashed it back onto its podium.

He folded his arms over his face and lay there on his back, very aware that his foot felt like it was on the verge of coming off. What was that thing Itachi's social worker told him to do when he was angry?

Take a breath and count to ten. Sasuke inhaled a long breath and held it.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine…

Ten.

He released all the air in his chest and just sat there for a few seconds. He was deciding what he should do to take his mind off things. Maybe he could go for a walk. Yeah, he'd put his coat on and walk around the block. But then he'd have to pass in front of Kisame's shop. Someone could see him and point out that he looked horrible. He could get attacked by swarms of dangerous window shoppers.

That was a bad idea.

His phone rang again, sending him into his second bout of arrhythmia. His hand shot out and arrested the phone. "Yes?!?"

He'd acquired a nasty habit of not checking his caller ID.

"Woah, boy. You don't sound good. What's eatn' ya'?"

Oh.

Mother.

Fuck.

Sasuke sank into the leather upholstery and swore.

"Just called to let you know that I haven't seen you in forever. According to your habits, you must be running out by now."

Damn Kisame.

When Sasuke just kept mumbling, grumbling, and swearing under his breath, the shark got nosey. "You don't sound good, kid. There a problem?"

"Yes! There's a problem!" Sasuke hissed sourly.

"Really? You mind telling me what?"

"Yes, I do!" Sasuke yelled.

"Woah! Woah! Easy! What crawled up your ass and died?"

"None of your fucking business!"

The shark was quiet for a while. Sasuke had time to breathe. Just when he calmed down, Kisame announced something.

"I'm coming up there."

"Oh fucking HELL no!" Sasuke rigidly sat up in his seat and yelled himself hoarse. To no avail, though. Kisame had already hung up his phone.

Oh no. No. No, no, no, no, no!

This was not happening. This couldn't be happening. He was Sasuke Uchiha! On top of the world! He was supposed to be able to _control_ the world! He had control of his life up until fucking ninth grade! Ninth grade! He met Naruto and everything went downhill in a snowball.

He sat there on his couch, curled up in a very un-Sasuke way, digging his nails into his skull in a very un-Sasuke way, and shaking in a very un-Sasuke way. He was waiting for his doom. Everything was falling apart around him.

Kisame, who he was vainly hoping to avoid, was coming up to chat with him. Sasuke was a walking dump. He was pale, irritable, and sore, all topped off with a hideous case of bed-head, even though he hardly slept.

The door bell rang.

Sasuke stopped breathing and lay still as a doornail on his sofa. He was scared to death. Almost as scared as he had been when Itachi slit his throat. All of the sudden, with that thought, his neck burned and his foot screamed at him.

The door bell rang again and a fist pounded on the door. "Open up, kid," came the gruff voice from the other side of the door, "talk to me."

Sasuke wanted to say something, but his throat tightened up around his voice and he had to gulp it back down again. He was still laying stock still. He hadn't moved an inch.

"I waited a little too long to remind you, didn't I?" Kisame sighed, "You've probably been out a long time and you're having another one of those withdrawal panic attacks, aren'tcha?"

Let him say what he wanted.

"But you coulda' told me anytime and you didn't. You haven't come down to see me in forever."

Sasuke finally mustered up the resolve he needed to speak. "Leave me alone."

The slam of a boot-clad foot connecting with the floor was heard outside his apartment, making Sasuke flinch regretfully. What was he doing? This was the guy who controlled his _life_. If he didn't get away from him, Naruto could be in danger. If he did, well, he'd be screwed anyway!

"I come in and the first thing the lady downstairs says to me is 'How's Sasuke? Is he sick? He's been stomping around his apartment all day and all night and I'm worried, yadda yadda yadda.' What the hell are you doing up here avoiding me anyway?"

Sasuke was fed up with it. He was either going to open the door or he wasn't. Both ways could never yield anything good. On one hand, he could let the shark in, and on the other he could leave him out there to get pissed off and break the door down using brute force.

The first scenario seemed to Sasuke like the one involving the least pain.

He tiredly shoved himself off the couch and limped over to the door, muttering all the way. The restless growls and shuffling of boots stopped when Sasuke shakily unlocked the door.

He flung it open; glaring through his hopelessly bent up and disheveled hair at the blue-skinned seven foot giant on the other side of the doorframe.

"Sasuke, you look like shit."

"No. Fucking. Way," Sasuke barked, scratching impatiently at his ankle with his toes. Kisame looked positively pissed off. Did Sasuke care? The shark could squish him without breaking a sweat. Of course he did. However, Kisame didn't need to know that.

A slingless, stoneless David glared defiantly up into the beady eyes of Goliath.

"So you gonna' tell me what the brush-off is for? It's pissing me off," Kisame said in his purposefully intimidating voice.

"Are you my girlfriend or something?" Sasuke groused.

Kisame's eyes brightened and a single, spontaneous laugh erupted through the room. "I see. So _that's_ what this is all about? Honestly. What, that bitch dump you or something and now you're emo about it? Never thought you'd let it happen to you."

Spot on, fucker. You care a little too much about my girlfriend, don't you?

"Fuck you," Sasuke spat disdainfully.

"I got in a little scrape this morning and I'm pretty sore. Call me in a week or two. Then we'll talk."

Honestly. Sasuke was going to rip his own eyes out and eat them for lunch.

Kisame was still waiting outside the doorway, not in Sasuke's apartment at all. The Uchiha was almost determined to keep it that way. He didn't want Kisame in his house. He didn't want to be anywhere near him.

And there must've been waves of hostility rolling off of Sasuke, because Kisame was all too aware of his mood.

"You're not letting me in, are you?" he said with a collected smirk.

Sasuke was content to cringe on the other side of the door and glare. He kept a snug grip on the door, and he had a feeling that there would be deep, pink, stinging ravines in his palms if he ever let it go. But he wasn't about to budge, and that was Kisame's answer.

The shark sighed, annoyed, "You know," he leaned in and whispered, "it would be _very_ unfortunate for you if the lady downstairs heard us."

Sasuke's rigid stance went slack for a moment. Evil, evil everywhere. There were no lesser or greater evils in this circumstance. He could only make a bad choice. God, he hated it when this happened!

He growled to himself, squinting resentfully at the shark and thinking of what to do. If he let him in, God only knew what would happen. If he continued talking to him through the door, the old lady one floor down could, through the easy act of leaning out her doorway and cupping a hand to her ear, eavesdrop on everything they had to say and sic the fuzz on the both of them.

There was no way out of this.

But who was Kisame to come marching up to his house, barging into his personal life to ask him why he wasn't handing one-hundred dollar bills to him? Made him mad.

Very mad.

As a matter of fact, he was going to speak his mind, and he would've said something foolish if Kisame hadn't interrupted him. That happened to him a lot.

"Before you scream at me," Kisame stated, reading the Uchiha's mind like neon-pink flyer, "I think you should know something."

Sasuke was mildly interested. "What?"

"I called you earlier to let you know, but, well, you know how it was," Kisame said offhandedly, only making Sasuke angrier. "What?" he spat again, more irritably than last time. Kisame's pearly white teeth peeked out from behind his blue lips. "Philly's back in business."

Sasuke's eyes widened and his legs tightened up. He had a 'holy shit' moment, before trying and failing to compose himself. This was impossible. Maybe his luck was taking a turn for the better.

_Or for worse._

"Philadelphia?" he croaked.

Kisame flashed his finest sly, toothy grin.

"Good ole' Philadelphia."

----

Naruto was drunk on post-depression happiness, if there was such a condition. Compared to the sulky, black, rain-cloud he had been earlier, Naruto shone like the sun emblazoned on the box of Raisin Bran lying underneath his bed.

His mom danced around the house, playing a mix her friend gave to her _extremely_ loudly on their so-retro-it-wasn't-funny stereo system. Of course Naruto knew she was still thinking about that morning, because every once in a while she'd mention that 'Oh he used to love this song,' or 'We saw them in concert on such-and-such a night.' Naruto didn't think it was anything he needed to worry about. His life was fine and dandy at that point in time.

The miso ramen his mom threw together for him had gotten cold, so they tossed it in the microwave. Two minutes later, they were spitting noodles at each other and generally running about like idiots. Now, this wasn't a typical day in the Uzumaki household, but Naruto greatly approved of it. He had a democratic vote consisting of him, himself, and he, and concluded that the vote to do this more often was unanimous. Kyuubi just laughed at him and called him a shit-head in German.

Oh yes, did he know what that meant.

Anko once said that censorship caused blindness.

Kudos to her.

Amidst the rumbling of the subwoofer and occasional cracking of the speakers, the telephone rang. Before his mom could say otherwise, Naruto announced that he'd pick it up. He sauntered into the kitchen, picked the aptly named blah-colored telephone up with a clattering of plastic, pressed a button and said, "Uzumaki residence, Naruto speaking."

"Hey Naruto, it's Gaara."

Naruto grinned at the voice of his friend. "Wow, Gaara. You aren't talking in your 'lets make it short, I have to burn all the evidence in ten minutes' voice."

"What?"

"You sound happy."

"What?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I'll be right back," he muttered, ignoring yet another annoyed "What?" coming from the receiver. He stomped into his mom's room and turned the volume knob on the stereo a few degrees to the left. The noise was greatly reduced and Naruto got the fleeting feeling that he was deaf. It wore off as he walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone again.

"I couldn't hear you earlier," Gaara explained.

"Uh huh," Naruto pouted, "So how did you know it was me on the phone if you couldn't hear me?"

"Well," Gaara paused as if he were thinking, "No one else's voice is quite as annoying."

Naruto's eye twitched. He was expecting something along the lines of 'I've known you forever, How could you think I'd forget the sound of your voice? You silly goose.' He should've known that Gaara would always think of something more appealing to his mean side, and that he would never have used the phrase 'you silly goose.'

Oh well.

Naruto could dream.

He actually did dream about it one night when he was seven, and he woke up screaming bloody murder.

Enough about that.

"Yeah, sure," he muttered, "So what is it that you called me about?"

"I just called to let you know that Neji and I-"

And here he was cut off by the boom of the stereo. Naruto instantly knew who the culprit was, and wasted no time in shrieking his complaints.

"MOOOOMMM!!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

"WHAAAAAATT?!?" She yelled back equally as loud.

"TURN IT DOWN! I'M ON THE PHONE!"

"GO OUTSIDE!"

"IT HAS A CORD!!!"

"GO OUTSIDE!"

With a screech and a growl, Naruto dragged the phone as far as it would go. He stretched the coiled cord to its limit and to his infinite surprise, he found himself just outside his screen door. Rather happy with himself, he resumed his conversation with Gaara.

"So what now?" he squeaked eagerly. He could almost hear Gaara's eyes rolling around in their sockets.

"I said," he grumbled, "that Neji and I are going to go over to his cousins' house this week. He says that his uncle rented something just a few blocks away from you."

Naruto grinned, "Sure!"

"'Kay," Gaara affirmed offhandedly, "He says that you can drag Sasuke along with you if you need to." And he stressed the word 'need' very heavily.

Naruto frowned. "I'm kinda' worried about him," he whined, holding the phone to his ear with one shoulder while tapping his forefingers together. Once again, Gaara seemed a little annoyed. "Call him," he commanded.

Naruto gaped and puffed his proverbial feathers out like a perturbed waterfowl. "It's not that easy!" he hissed, "I've been trying to talk to him for a whole fucking week and all he does is growl at me and tell me I'm stupid!"

"You _are_ stupid."

"Fuck you!"

From the phone, Naruto heard a distinct, stifled laugh that was clearly meant to be heard. He was instantly grossed out and intrigued at the same time. "Juicy details later," Gaara snorted, "Temari's home and I'm in the living room."

Naruto made a disgusted whine and stuck his tongue out at the phone. He heard Temari asking what he meant. Gaara waved her off saying that it didn't matter.

Gods above.

Gaara must've been in a really good mood that day. Under normal circumstances, he'd give her 'the look' and she'd back off. Bothering to communicate to her verbally only happened when he was extremely angry or high on cold medicine.

"I still think you should call him," Gaara's voice returned.

Naruto scowled and hissed into the phone. "Call who?"

"Sasuke."

"But he doesn't listen!" Naruto whined, bouncing up and down on his tiny porch with anxiety. Again, Gaara audibly rolled his eyes. "Just call him."

Naruto whimpered again, "But he hates me!"

Gaara snorted at him. "He doesn't hate you. He's mad at you for not listening. God knows you're a stubborn bastard. Both of you are. Maybe if you listen to him, he'll listen to you."

Naruto blinked. Gaara wasn't a person to spew psychiatrical jargon out of the wazoo like that.

Hah hah…

Big words.

Naruto thought about it a moment. He decided that he didn't want to do it, but it was a good idea and chances were that he was going to. As a matter of fact, he knew he was going to call Sasuke.

Sometime that day.

"And right after you hang up, you're calling him and talking to him. Understand?" Gaara's voice lowered into a very unhappy gnarr.

The last thought that went through Naruto's mind before Gaara hung up was that he was going to kill him. Naruto'd flay him and hang his mangled corpse on his wall.

The next thought that came after was that he wasn't really going to do it. He was a scaredy-cat. If Gaara didn't tear him apart first, he'd sic Neji on him and the rabid Asian would rip his heart out. Poor Naruto.

God, was he nervous. What if Sasuke really didn't hate him though? What if it was just like Gaara said? He grumbled to himself and all but punched Sasuke's number into the rubbery buttons of his phone.

----

Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. Kisame was gone, his drugs were here. He injected a small amount into his arm earlier to test its quality, and was surprised at how much better he felt. Ah, purity. No fucked up designer shit. Now _this_ was what he paid for.

He shivered lightly when another not unwelcome flash of warmth shot through him. He felt sleepy and delightfully heavy. Just the way it was supposed to be. He knew it wouldn't last long, but what did he care? There was more unholy goodness where that came from.

His phone rang.

This time, he was somewhat more relaxed than before. As he reached for the phone, he thought of how bothersome it was that everyone seemed to be calling him that morning. He apathetically wrapped his fingers around the phone and brought it into his view.

He nearly gagged when he read the glowing, green caller ID.

Uzumaki.

Oh, shit. Did he want to answer the phone now? Maybe his voice would be all messed up and she'd start asking questions. Was it even her? Maybe her mom called him to ask where the hell she was. Maybe she was calling to tell him that her funeral would be held at So-and-so Church on Tuesday. He didn't feel all too great anymore. That little trickle of dread in his mind burst into a river of panic as he listened to the phone ring for a third time.

Curiosity and horror getting the better of him, he answered.

"Hello?" He said, trying to keep his voice cool and level. To his horror, he thought he sounded a little slurred.

"Sasuke?" a little voice squeaked.

Relief washed over him like a tsunami. Unfortunately for him, he hadn't remembered that there was a special riptide following a tidal wave that dragged all caught in it out to sea where they would eventually drown. Such was the feeling of concern that wrapped its slimy limbs around his ankles and tugged him under.

"Dobe! What the fuck were you doing running away like that?" he yelled.

The blonde idiot didn't make a sound. Not even a nervous laugh. This greatly worried the mighty Uchiha. Almost simultaneously, he had a very un-Sasuke bout of guilt.

"Are you mad?" Naruto whispered.

"Of course I'm mad!" Sasuke ranted, "You could've gotten hurt, you idiot!"

Oddly enough, Naruto actually seemed gladdened by that statement. "I was just… being stupid is all. I do that sometimes," she chuckled nervously.

Sasuke felt like the heaviest burden of his life had been lifted effortlessly off of his shoulders. She sounded fine. "You're okay then?" he asked just to make sure.

"Yeah," she sighed.

Sasuke ran a hand through his hair. So she was alright after all. Naruto was in one piece.

"I'm sorry."

Sasuke blinked at the statement that seemed to have formed out of midair. He could've sworn that Naruto just said she was sorry.

"What?" Sasuke questioned.

"Sorry that I blew up at you on Friday," she murmured.

Sasuke blinked again.

"I just get so frustrated sometimes. First you get mad at me, tell me my mom's up to something, and then don't explain it to me. Then Gaara started acting weird. He wouldn't tell me anything either."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Gaara?"

"Mm hmm," Naruto muttered, "he's acting like he knows something I don't too."

Sasuke was terribly thoughtful for a moment. Why would Naruto's best friend want to hide something from her?

"Anyway, I want to know why you're suspicious of my mom. There's nothing she'd want to do to me… I'm her only so-" a stutter, "daughter…"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Uhmmm… I'msorryokay?!?"

Sasuke dismissed her stuttering as a nervous reflex. She couldn't possibly have _almost_ said what he thought she said.

"I forgive you," Sasuke said smugly. Naruto spluttered for a moment before seeming to come to the conclusion that Sasuke was a condescending bastard.

"You… You! You… grrr!" Sasuke heard her swearing and bouncing up and down as she rampaged through her kitchen.

"Calm down, Dobe," Sasuke commanded, not entirely expecting the raging blonde to hear. She did though, as Sasuke could no longer hear the pounding, mumbling sound of Naruto stomping around the floor.

"So are you going to tell me why you think my mom is a mobster?" she pouted.

Sasuke snorted, "Not over the phone, idiot. And don't talk so loud. She could hear you, you know?"

Naruto spit at him through the receiver. "Then when?" she whined, "You're just going to forget about it! I'm going to come to school tomorrow and I'll see you and guess what? You'll just say 'what are you talking about, dumbass?' and leave! I know you will!"

"Don't be stupid," Sasuke scoffed.

"Look, I called you because I thought we could work this out. But if we're just going to fight, I'm hanging up!" Naruto barked.

Sasuke most certainly did _not_ want that to happen. "Naruto, don't hang up."

"What," Naruto groaned, "you're gonna' use my real name now that you made me mad?"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. He was trying his best, but Naruto was just interpreting everything he said as a fucking insult! Keep your temper in check, Sasuke…

"Listen, Naruto," Sasuke attempted to soothe the raging ball of fire that was her bad mood.

"Yeah?" Naruto replied slightly softer than before.

"Calm down," Sasuke said in a smooth voice. He didn't want the blonde to think he was insulting her. Of course, God knew she'd think it anyhow. She had a knack for being weird that way. Sasuke mentally steeled himself for the enraging chatter that Naruto would inevitably be spouting any second.

To his joy, she huffed a subdued sigh. "You can tell me now, you know. She can't hear."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "And why not?"

Naruto paused, as if she were astonished. "You mean," she jabbered, "you can't hear it?"

Sasuke's eyebrow crept higher. "No?" he said uncertainly.

"Hah!" Naruto laughed herself silly at the other end of the phone, "You must be deaf!"

Sasuke could only wonder what she was talking about. He peeked into a few perverted corners of his consciousness and his eye twitched in spite of itself. "Naruto," he asked with an inkling of curiosity, "What are you talking about?"

Naruto couldn't contain her excitement, "We've got our stone-age stereo on full blast with, like, hippy music and it's awesome!"

Sasuke shook his head. He couldn't understand women.

He couldn't understand Naruto.

One minute she was mad as hell. The next, she was gibbering away about things as irrelevant as… well… anything. Sasuke didn't doubt that things would revert back to stuffy and oppressive at any moment. That was just the way things were, wasn't it?

"Whatever," snorted Sasuke.

"Soo…" Naruto drew out her vowels, "When are we going to talk about this?"

Sasuke scoffed, "What, you want a schedule?"

Naruto frowned through the phone. "I just want to know when you plan on letting me in on these awful little secrets of yours."

"Whatever," Sasuke repeated, pinching the bridge of his nose in his fingers and sighing.

Naruto gave him a moment of silence before whining, "Fine. Just tell me _sometime _okay?"

Sasuke could make out the despairing tone in her voice. The issue was definitely bothering her. That much was sure. Dull or not, Sasuke had to tell her before she went psycho on his ass.

"I will. Promise," Sasuke muttered grudgingly. Women liked commitment, right? He just wanted her to be happy.

So he could hang up and get on with his life.

Naruto perked up instantly, as he hoped she would. "Ho'kay! And if you're lying, I get to beat you up."

"Whatever floats your boat," Sasuke groused.

"See you tomorrow!" she squeaked.

"Likewise," he droned.

Sasuke was left happily by himself for the remainder of the afternoon.

----

Naruto practically bounced his way to the car.

He was as happy as could be. Sasuke wasn't all that angry at him after all! He spent the first few minutes after hanging up celebrating by cleaning his room. Finally. He couldn't understand how he considered it a celebration, but any good word from Sasuke was enough to throw a party anyway.

As if that wasn't enough, God smiled upon Naruto a second time.

A few minutes ago, his mom announced that, as a celebration of 'insert reason here,' she would be taking him shopping in downtown Konoha. Hence his bouncing to the car. Doubtless, they'd both raise hell and spend every dollar they had, but Naruto thought he'd rather like it that way.

He also thought that this particular shopping excursion was yet another distraction from the past that his mom had set up for herself. It was rather obvious the way she scuttled around, trying to keep herself busy. Naruto supposed it was better than having her withdraw into her own little world like he did.

As a matter of fact, if that happened, he'd be thoroughly terrified.

But he was talking about the gloomier half of life. By all means, he didn't belong there. So, as any emotionally inconsistent teenager would do, he happily morphed through the car door, sat down, and forgot all about it. His mom was not long behind, stopping once to lock the door, once to check her purse for her credit card, once to unlock the door, once to go back inside to retrieve said credit card from the countertop, and once to re-lock the door.

Mathematically, she stopped a total of five times. Naruto, however, thought that to be a trivial bit of information and wasn't all that mathematical to begin with.

Kyuubi jumped into the rattling red compact car and jammed the key into the ignition. As one would suspect, the car growled at her for waking it up and refused to move an inch. Naruto suggested that she threaten it.

She did.

It started without complaint.

Naruto and his mom exchanged enthusiastic high fives.

"So what are we shopping for?" Naruto asked once they were two blocks away. His mom glanced back at him in the rear view mirror. "Nothing in particular," she paused, "unless you really want something." She added, "And you can pay for it."

"Only if I don't get my five-finger discount," Naruto sneered, comically flashing four fingers and a thumb in the air. Of course Kyuubi scowled at him and made him swear that he wouldn't do anything stupid unless he was absolutely sure he wouldn't get caught.

He assured her that he wouldn't.

The rest of the ride left Naruto in silence. He wanted to talk, but decided to leave his mom alone. She didn't look sentimental or depressed, but Naruto wanted to give her some space anyway.

He let himself wonder about Sasuke again. Maybe when Naruto went to ask him what was bothering him, the charming Uchiha wouldn't just blow past him like the Queen of Sasukeland, proverbial skirts billowing elegantly behind him as they always did.

Hah!

Funny picture.

And if Sasuke was onto something, would he be willing to work out a plan of action with Naruto? He hoped so. That bastard knew how much he hated to be alone.

A lurch forward and the distinct sound of someone yelling was the only sign that the car had stopped. Wondering what-

Or who-

His mom could've hit, Naruto pressed his palms into the fuzzy seat cushions and peered out the dusty windshield. A man with short, black hair gave him a sidelong glare and an awkwardly arched middle finger.

The nerve of some people! He stuck his tongue out at the man, drew his lower eyelid down with one finger, and flipped the idiot off with the other.

"Just another jerk who thinks he can cross the street on red," Kyuubi mumbled. Then she rolled down her window and leaned out into oncoming traffic. "Use your _eyes_, moron!" She then ducked back in and cruised off in what could be considered a blind rage.

Eager to calm her down, Naruto spoke up. "I hate people like that!" he pointed out. Kyuubi just muttered. Now, Naruto wasn't exactly a model teenager. He jumped in front of traffic on a daily basis.

But his mom didn't need to know that.

He made a few more snide comments about the general stupidity of the average pedestrian. Little by little, Kyuubi slowed down and looked a bit more composed than she had been. This was a good sign, so Naruto triumphed silently and let his mom drive the rest of the way without interruption.

After about five more minutes of driving, the car and both its occupants found themselves not-so-parallel parked between a pick-up truck and a red Mini Cooper. Naruto was all too happy to pop his door open and bounce onto the sidewalk. Kyuubi meanwhile, fiddled with the car key in the lock until at last she was satisfied.

Wasn't like anyone would want to steal it anyway.

The air lightened up a bit when window shopping fever kicked in. Naruto found a pair of jeans that he adored and Kyuubi found a skirt that she could not_ live _without.

Thus, a total of fifty dollars and ninety eight cents mysteriously disappeared from the Uzumaki savings account.

More was soon to follow.

An hour passed by and Naruto was carrying three shopping bags of different origins.

Naruto was very happy.

Very happy.

So happy, in fact, that he'd gone and gotten himself lost.

Score one for his wonderful sense of direction.

He heard somewhere that the best thing to do when he was lost was to sit somewhere and wait. He found a bench not far away, set the extremely heavy shopping bags on the ground, and waited.

He kicked his feet up in the air and yawned. God, was he tired. Power shopping took a lot out of him. But damn, was it fun! Naruto giggled insanely just in time for a group of older women to walk by and look at him funny. Common courtesy was an alien thing to him, of course. He stuck his tongue out at them.

They blinked and looked away.

Naruto was very proud of himself.

He relaxed in his seat again. Every once in a while, someone would stare at him and he'd squint back. It was the only way he knew to entertain himself. Sitting was boring. Boring, boring, boring! He'd rather be lost.

Without giving it much thought, he bounced back up and swept up his shopping bags. His mom wasn't going to find him. She never looked. He was going to have to look for her.

If she hadn't already driven home without him.

…

Son of a bitch!

Naruto scowled and stomped away. She'd probably already found some dude she wanted to fool around with. Then she brainwashed herself into thinking that she didn't have a son. Now she was probably having the time of her life.

At home.

In her bedroom.

In her bed.

Ick.

All of the sudden, the air rushed out of Naruto's lungs as he collided with something. He took a few steps backward to avoid falling.

"Watch where you're going, yeah?" he heard a cocky voice hum. Naruto scratched the back of his head and mumbled under his breath, hefting the shopping bags further up onto his shoulders.

Downtown Konoha was just _crawling _with assholes, wasn't it?

"There you are!" A feminine voice heaved. Naruto glanced to his left. Lo and behold, there was his mom. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and slumped over. He scowled as Kyuubi and her fiery, red hair came bounding over.

"Where were you?" she whined in her worried mother voice, "I was looking all over for you!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Where were you?" he countered.

Kyuubi frowned at him. "I told you I was going to buy some coffee from that shop over there! I told you to wait right here," she pointed a finger to the cement.

Naruto scowled. "You did not!" he was on the verge of jumping up and down in anger. How could she do this to him? She didn't tell him a _fucking _thing!

Kyuubi sighed, "Well, whatever." Naruto was angry at her, oh _boy_ was he angry at her. However, his rage couldn't help but falter at how relieved she sounded. He felt a smidgeon of guilt before squelching it and holding fast to his attitude.

"Yeah. You probably just forgot about me the minute you saw the 'our coffee is cheapest' sign," Naruto growled.

"That's not what it said on the sign," Kyuubi stated, "I'm not worried about money. That's why I took you shopping."

Touche.

Naruto resisted the urge to flip her off.

"Look who's out blowing her money on coffee…" Naruto muttered.

"What was that?" Kyuubi asked wryly.

Naruto wanted to scratch his eyes out. She'd probably make him return all the stuff he bought. Regardless, he had to answer her.

"I said you're the one blowing all your money on coffee! It's a temporary thing! You buy it, you drink it, and boom! It's gone," Naruto huffed, feeling a bit ashamed of himself.

Kyuubi blew a raspberry at him. "You're screwed up," she said, "Actually, it's the other way around. Your clothes get ripped, stained, and wrinkled until you finally get too big to fit in 'em. You drink coffee or eat a ham sandwich and voila! It becomes part of you. It's there your entire life," she paused, "Until, of course, you exercise it off or your metabolism kicks in. But who cares about that? Shouldn't have told you that… Now my whole speech is ruined."

Naruto stuck his tongue out at her. "See?" he jeered, "I win."

"Mm hmm," his mom dismissed his comeback with a wave of her hand. "We're going home now. It's getting late. I'm starving, how 'bout you?"

Just like that, things were back to normal.

Or at least they seemed to be.

Naruto still felt more than a little steamed up because his mom wandered off.

Or was it the other way around? Naruto didn't care. Either way, he didn't like it. While he was on the subject of his being left alone, he decided to tell his mom about it. He retold the story with what he thought was a great deal of skill and a fair amount of hand gestures.

"You shouldn't do that again. It was creepy," he said with his arms crossed across his chest.

"Sure, sure." Kyuubi waved him off again.

Naruto raised his eyebrow at her. He didn't mention anything, though. She was probably in another one of her memory lapses. Her whole plan to get away from Naruto's dad must've backfired.

In a way it was kind of sad.

Oh well.

She was fine. Naruto couldn't bring himself to feel sorrier for her than he ever did.

All was good and well in the land of Uzumaki Naruto. He was able to talk to Sasuke without screaming at him, Gaara and Neji were getting closer (he dared not imagine how close), and to top it all off, he had a new wardrobe that hadn't been someone else's old one.

The last thing he thought before the colors flying outside his window lulled him to sleep was that nothing could possibly go wrong.

Possibly.

----

Me: Like, -insert obscene swear word here- !

Chibi Sasuke: -too busy partying with himself to notice that the chapter is over-

Chibi Naruto: ZZZZzzzzzzz…

Chibi Neji: What a lively bunch, eh?

Chibi Gaara: I concur.

Me: Zomg! I can't believe it. My dad went on an insane Aston Martin Vanquish shopping spree on E-bay! Holy crap!

Chibi Gaara: He's not going to buy one, you know.

Me: TT That's what's so sad.

Chibi Neji: -rolls eyes- Well, to our clueless audience, you've survived another chapter. Hooray for you.

Chibi Gaara: Would you just look at that enthusiasm.

Chibi Neji: Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy.

Me: Good to know you're happy. Anyway, thanks for your patience. I'm not even going to apologize for the wait anymore. I procrastinate so often that one month is, like, my new standard. Don't you agree?

Chibi Gaara: I hope they throw stones at you.

Me: Yeah TT

Chibi Neji: Go easy on her, 'kay?

Chibi Gaara: Yeah. She won't ever update if you kill her.

Me: Thanks, guys.

Chibi Neji: No problemo.

Chibi Gaara: While that's going on, Swirl-chan wants you to know that, as always, your reviews are very important to her! She loves them very much. And she loves her reviewers.

Me: Awanna kiss joo!

Chibi Gaara: …Yeah. So review, review, review!


	18. 18: PINK

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer: **I wish…

Chibi Naruto: I want a crouton!

Chibi Sasuke: …why?

Chibi Naruto: I don't know. I just do.

Chibi Sasuke: -rolls eyes- Well I don't have any croutons. Tough luck.

Chibi Naruto: I WANT A CROUTON.

Chibi Sasuke: O.o Eep!

Me: o.O –hands Naruto a crouton-

Chibi Naruto: Yay! –munch-

Me: Well, now that the planet has been saved from a most certain doom…

Chibi Gaara: Here you are again at yet _another_ friggin' chapter! And Swirly's far from done.

Me: Yeah. I tend to love my stories too much. I never let go. Which is probably the reason why I haven't finished any…

Chibi Gaara: But she's finishing this one. –threatens Swirls with a chicken beak-

Me: Oh noz! Not teh chickN bEEk of d00m!!!

Chibi Gaara: I think she's broken…

Chibi Sasuke: Who cares?

Chibi Gaara: Right you are. We only care that she can write. As long as the writing, (or typing, as the case may be) part of her brain remains functional, we won't have to put her down.

Me: ZOMGLOLROFLBTWIDKSNUUUUURRRRRGGGH.

Chibi Naruto: O.o Quick! Before she diez!

Chibi Gaara: I agree. Read, review, and relax!

**J L H 18**

Sasuke had some explaining to do when he went to school that week. Naruto pulled him over in the hall like he had been going ninety-five miles per hour in a fifty zone. She berated him with questions, all of which he answered the best he could and with the smallest words he could find.

Just to get it all through her skull.

He didn't think she'd like what he had to say.

She didn't. Surprise, surprise. Yet, considering her normal attitude she took it quite well. When Sasuke explained extensively concerning the news schedule and whatnot, Naruto listened and Sasuke could tell she was trying very hard not to interrupt him. Naruto never did screech at him the way he imagined she would, but she did seem rather uncomfortable with the idea.

Sasuke got the feeling that Naruto knew perfectly well what he was warning her about all last week, but didn't want to accept it. Kyuubi _was_ her mom, he supposed. It was only natural that Naruto would want to defend her.

He told her that she'd better not tell any of what was said to her mom. God knew what would happen next. If these secrets were being kept from Naruto for a reason… well… Sasuke didn't know what would happen.

He'd be in trouble.

They'd both be.

That's what would happen.

As if that wasn't enough trouble, it sounded like Naruto's uncle was in league with her mom. Jiraya probably tivoed the evening news of the lockdown for the sole purpose of convincing Naruto that what her mom said was true.

And just how did Kisame factor into all this? Sasuke postulated that he knew Naruto's mom or dad. Naruto told him that her dad had been shot to death by the Akatsuki. The Uchiha knew all too well of Kisame's criminal record. Maybe he was a member. Maybe he was the one who…

Nope.

He wasn't going to go there. Sure, the shark was suspicious, but that hit a little too close to home. He wasn't going to mention that little tidbit to Naruto. Ignorance was bliss. Naruto was going to be the most blissful girl in the world until Sasuke worked everything out.

In whatever way 'blissful' applied to her now. It had already been a few days since Sasuke discussed the issue with her. Still, she was a lot quieter and less cheery.

Gaara threatened him with death if he didn't fix things.

Sasuke didn't want to die.

Nor did he know how to fix things. Anyone who knew him would say that he wasn't a people person. To further reinforce that fact, Sasuke hadn't bothered befriending anyone for anyone else to ask in the first place.

…

The first sign he got that Naruto was moving on was when she complemented him on his looks. She said that he looked a lot better than he had last week.

Sasuke was flattered.

He tried to look indifferent, but an absurd smile somehow wormed its way to his lips and the second sign that she was getting better was that Naruto wouldn't let him hear the end of it.

'You should have seen the look on your face!'

And she laughed.

Hah hah.

Neji broke into another one of his insane, girlish giggling fits. Of course, Sasuke just _knew_ that he was flamingly gay now. Everywhere he went, Gaara followed him like a shadow. If Gaara left, Neji would be like a love-struck puppy dog, bouncing at his heels.

Quite frankly it sickened him.

Sasuke made it a point of his to stay as far away from the two of them as possible.

In case gay was contagious.

When he heard that Naruto would be inviting him to be in their company for an entire day, he was _very _happy.

Very happy.

As a matter of fact he contemplated shooting himself.

His mind screamed 'no,' but his voice came out in a somewhat reluctant 'yes.' He was terribly confused and stayed up all night to think it over. He hadn't known why he said it. It must've been a slip up on his part.

Then it happened again.

This time, Sasuke had no logical explanation as to why he accepted. The only reason he could think of was that he wanted to keep Naruto company and, dare he say it, protect her.

He got no sleep that night either.

So here he was.

At Neji's relatives' blindingly extravagant rental house.

Wondering why he hadn't killed himself two hours earlier.

Of course, Naruto was extremely happy to have him along. Sasuke grudgingly supposed that was good enough for him.

The four of them, being Neji, Gaara, Naruto and himself, walked to the forest-green, white trimmed house after school. The house didn't look at all like a rental. It looked well lived in. It was almost as if the housekeepers had made themselves at home while Neji's relatives were gone.

As well they should have.

Sasuke was amazed. Past Naruto's junk-cluttered backyard, there was a whole community of high-end, expensive houses. He suspected that Naruto's house had once been as beautiful.

Neji's cousins' rental house looked just like hers.

With better paint, better windows, a better fence, a better roof, better steps, better…

You get the idea.

Almost a mirror image, but a sparkling, glittering heaven compared to Naruto's house.

Sasuke found that incredibly odd. Sad even.

Naruto didn't seem to care.

"Wow! Cool house!" she exclaimed, bouncing on her heels. Sasuke excused himself for not sharing her enthusiasm. At first glance, one would interpret Naruto's outburst as the third sign that she was getting better.

Sasuke became somewhat concerned when he noticed it was forced.

For the time being, he didn't know what to do about it.

----

It was cloudy.

The house looked much grayer than it should have been. Nevertheless, it was a decent-looking house. Gaara and Sasuke were both shooting him strange looks, so he decided to let them both know just how fine and dandy he was.

"Wow! Cool house!" He shouted, rocking on his heels for emphasis.

Sasuke and Gaara both looked unconvinced.

…

Damn!

He was alright! He really was! Just… not as alright as he could've been. He was still shaken up a bit. He had a right to be.

Sasuke had now made it perfectly clear to him that his mom was hiding something from him. Naruto didn't see how it was as severe as Sasuke described it to be, but he felt his stomach do back-flips whenever he thought too much about it. How could she have known about the goings-on of the lockdown before the rest of the community? Maybe Tsunade called her. But why would the principal of Konoha bother to call her? Better yet, what was Kyuubi doing lying to Naruto about it?

Something was wrong and Naruto would be damned if he didn't find out what it was.

"Hey, Dobe," Naruto heard a familiar voice say, "you alright?"

Naruto spun around and blinked at the frowning Uchiha. "Huh?" he mumbled.

Sasuke's brow furrowed in what Naruto hoped was concern. "You spaced out again," he averted his eyes as if he was slightly embarrassed.

Naruto was thrilled.

"Sasuke!" he crooned, throwing himself at the aforementioned boy, "I didn't know you cared!" Of course, Sasuke made a show of how much he did _not _care and tried his hardest to dump Naruto onto the lawn. Naruto persevered and eventually the Uchiha resigned himself to Naruto's affection.

Naruto suspected that when he first tackled him, Sasuke had every intention of tossing him away. Then he thought better of himself in favor of Naruto's mood.

He did care!

Almost brought a tear to Naruto's eye.

Almost.

Neji walked up the hoary, bone white steps, onto the flat slab of a porch, and to the door to ring the doorbell. Gaara pounced onto the porch after him, followed closely by Naruto and Sasuke.

Naruto suddenly became very wary of the door when he heard a muffled shuffling noise coming from behind it. It was accompanied by the distinct, fast-paced rapid-fire of Japanese.

He started to wonder whether or not he would be able to understand a word they were saying. He dreaded Japanese accents. And he didn't want to ask them to repeat what they said because it was embarrassing! Lordy. To normal people, Naruto would just ask and ask like there was no tomorrow.

Foreigners were not normal people.

At least in Naruto's miniscule little world.

For some reason, he got the urge to be as polite as possible around them. He didn't know the reason. Maybe he was just scared of them. 'Cuz everybody knows foreigners are flesh-eating, vampiric bastards.

Or maybe it was a pride thing.

_All for King and Country, wot._

He didn't have time to contemplate the answer, for the door had been swung wide open. Just inside the house stood a girl about Naruto's height.

Which made him very happy.

She had bobbed black hair and those eerie, whitish Hyuga eyes. Her pale skin was dusted by a strawberry blush as she smiled and greeted them all. Neji in particular.

"Neji-san!" she squeaked, then bowed.

Neji just stood there in defiance, glaring down his nose at her as if he were a god and she an ant. What for? Naruto felt like spitting at him.

So he did.

Neji whirled around accusingly, much to the giggling joy of the girl at the door. Naruto only made a face at him.

Neji got the memo and mumbled his own greeting to the girl. Her face then blossomed in a smile. She leaned around the imposing figure of Neji and her blush grew.

"You must be Neji-san's friends?" she asked uncertainly.

Before anyone else could say different, Naruto hollered, "Only when he's nice!"

"I get it, Uzumaki," Neji growled, eye twitching spasmodically. Then, in a scathing tone of voice, he added, "Uchiha, put a muzzle on your poodle. It barks too much."

…

Since when did he look like a poodle?

"Yeah, well I _bite_ too, Neji-yarou!" Naruto warned, baring his teeth for good measure.

A poodle! Good God!

He wanted to march over to the Hyuga and take a chunk out of his arm. Sasuke wasn't about to let him go though. He had a very firm grip on Naruto's own arm and wasn't letting up anytime soon.

"Umm… Oh!" The girl chirped like she just remembered something. "My name is Hyuga Hinata! A pleasure to meet you!" She blushed some more.

"Hinata," Neji groaned. "this is Sasuke," he pointed just over Naruto's shoulder and Sasuke huffed a nonchalant sigh. "You've already met Gaara," he indicated to the redhead, who answered with a wave of the hand. "And this is-"

"Uzumaki Naruto at your service!" Naruto beamed, "I specialize in kicking Neji's ass when he's acting_ stupid!_"

"Naruto!" Neji hissed angrily.

Naruto flipped him off.

----

"Oh my," Hinata squeaked.

Sasuke couldn't blame her. The scene which was unfolding before him was nothing short of baffling. Sasuke hadn't remembered the last time she griped like that.

Except at him.

But Sasuke didn't want to think about that, did he?

No.

So he sighed to himself and looked the other way.

Naruto was unpredictable. That week, her moods alternated between moderately happy and moderately sad. As such, Sasuke felt comfortable in knowing that he could predict what range of mood she was in.

This was outrageous.

She was either angry, out of her mind, or both. Sasuke sincerely hoped she was angry. Why you ask? Because then she could be considered her normal self.

The absoluteness of anger fit her well.

Moderate did not.

Frankly, Sasuke found that a moderately happy Naruto was more frightening than an absolutely angry Naruto. The sort of way a snarling, bristling tiger was more comforting than one lurking stealthily in the underbrush.

Of course, when he tried to combine the two, Naruto and the tiger, all he came up with was an adorably silly-looking, crayola-yellow, fuzzy ball of ridiculousness with peculiar blue eyes, long whiskers, and pink lips that woofed instead of roared.

Hardly an apparition used to instill fear.

He thought he should look over when a crashing, smashing, thudding sound came from behind him. He glanced over to see that Neji and Naruto had gotten in a sort of cat-fight and muscled themselves through the crowd to, quite by accident, throw themselves over the banister and into the flowers. Sasuke wondered vaguely whether or not Naruto was alright before deciding that a knot in the wood planks below him was much more interesting. Naruto could be a tough girl when she wanted to be.

Sure enough, the fighting continued. He could tell by the incessant shouting and mumbling of various origins that Naruto had bitten Neji on the arm and, combined with the fact that Naruto had fallen on top of him, it was very painful.

Sasuke cheered for Naruto.

Silently.

However, Sasuke could no longer ignore the turmoil when Gaara all but threatened to chop his arms off if he continued to do nothing.

"Naruto," he said once he was sure she could hear him. She didn't.

"Naruto!" she still didn't hear him.

Instead, she sunk her teeth further into Neji's skin. Neji shrieked like a girl and raked the soles of his shoes against her stomach. Naruto only growl-giggled and kicked him back.

This was getting slightly out of hand. Now, he didn't bother to recall that Neji was not only gay, but taken as well. All he cared was that Neji was wrestling in the dirt behind a bush with his girlfriend. It was a challenge of his authority.

Or at least he assumed it to be because he was cool that way.

"NARUTO!" he roared.

Immediately, a little golden sunburst peered out from the bushes and gazed at him with blue eyes as wide as saucers.

"Stop fooling around," Sasuke snarled, deploying his 'don't fuck with me' face. Naruto hissed, stuck her tongue out, then thought better of herself and turned away, mumbling and grumbling below her breath. She meandered away from Neji, who was still swearing and gritting his teeth, and breezed straight past Sasuke.

"Stupid Teme!"

Sasuke was very happy.

He glared his triumph at Neji.

The Hyuga favored his wounded arm as he pushed himself out of the dirt. "What are you looking at me for?" he said as he glared at the Uchiha, "She's the one who started this fight."

Sasuke supposed he was right, but he didn't like it when his worst enemy was right. So he ignored Neji completely and waltzed back onto the porch.

Hinata endeavored to be pleasant. She and Gaara were having an energetic conversation about tea, which Sasuke made it a priority to ignore. When Neji hobbled into sight, his cousin led them inside the house.

Sasuke didn't care for what he saw.

Straight through the door was a narrow hall, much like Naruto's, that led to an adequate-sized junction between kitchen, living room, and stairs.

Once again, much like Naruto's.

As he took a closer look through the archway to the living room, he noticed a few things that didn't remind him of Naruto's house. On one side of the room was a Large (yes, Large deserved a capital L) plasma-screen TV. Against the opposite wall was an expensive-looking, buttoned, white Chesterfield sofa that literally begged to be brutally and tactfully murdered with a glass of grape juice. The wallpaper that covered the walls behind Sasuke's objects of interest was stark white inlaid with repeating illuminated leaf patterns.

It made Sasuke sick.

There was also another archway around the corner in the glorified sitting room. Sasuke assumed from the ridiculously huge display of China on the ridiculously large hutch he saw that the archway led to a dining room.

Another thing that Naruto didn't have.

Hinata made several polite attempts at conversation, all of which Neji and Sasuke skillfully avoided. Naruto was chattering away in her ear and had formed some sort of secret alliance with her, Sasuke was sure. They were both conspiring against him. Or maybe they were conspiring against Neji. Who knew.

"Men are weird," he heard Naruto whisper, "Especially _that_ one."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

----

Naruto had found out a few rather interesting tidbits of information about this dysfunctional family of Hinata's. First off, she was not on good terms with Neji at all.

Some 'My father' this and 'his father' that.

Come to think of it, she and her dad weren't exactly friendly with each other either. She had her fair share of problems. As a matter of fact, he didn't think he'd ever met anyone who had as many as Hinata did.

Except Sasuke.

God above, Naruto just loved to associate himself with trouble, didn't he?

Speaking of trouble, Neji and Gaara were getting comfy on the sofa. When Hinata asked what they were doing, Naruto explained the situation to her. He didn't expect her to get it at all, but boy, was he was surprised.

Halfway through his explanation, the Hyuga girl squealed with joy and dragged Naruto up to her room. There, he was shown a secret stash of yaoi manga hidden in the false bottom of one of the drawers in her vanity.

Naruto almost drooled.

He had a new best friend.

He decided he could ditch Sasuke for a while.

----

Naruto disappeared.

Of course, Sasuke wondered where she had gone at first. He hated not knowing where she was. The feeling passed when Gaara said he'd seen her skipping happily up the stairs with Hinata.

That was when things got boring.

He threw himself on the Chesterfield, testing it to see if it was really as delicate as it looked. It wasn't. The cushions jolted once, and then all was silent. At least it should've been. Neji started rattling on about how he and Gaara were on the couch too.

Funny.

Sasuke hadn't seen them there.

Normally, Sasuke would've scoffed at the very idea of landing on a couch that had already been contaminated by Hyuga-ness. And he would've jumped off at knowing it was occupied with a flamingly gay couple.

But Sasuke was bored and tired, so he told them that they could deal with it. He hadn't looked up enough to see that Neji was giving him a very funny look. Neither had he noticed that they felt inclined to ignore him and stay seated on the couch.

Sasuke was floating around in his own little world. He was as bored as could be. Of course, that was partially his fault. Before he left school he vowed that any Hyuga's house would be as exciting as a crusty splotch of bird shit on a rusting pick-up truck.

In February.

He always hated that month…

His point was that he had already decided that he was going to do anything he could to have as dull a time possible. Therefore, he was incapable of having fun.

So why had he come to Hinata's house anyway? He wasn't dragged. No one would dare drag him anywhere.

Except that time that Naruto tried to drag him into the school building.

But that didn't count.

He didn't have to go to the movie theatre with Naruto that one time either. But he went. He asked himself why. After much thought, he decided that he wanted to make her happy.

To some degree.

Sasuke was by no means a 'nice guy.'

"Hey Uchiha?" came a voice Sasuke immediately registered as Neji's. Sasuke didn't feel inclined to answer him. He was perfectly content with staring at the interesting _nothing_ on the wall.

"You don't look too great. You sick or something?"

Shit.

Not an hour ago, Naruto said he looked great. Was he drifting into his ugly, druggie-ish, rings-under-the-eyes, not-enough-sunlight look again? He _was_ feeling a bit heavy, irritable, and even a little cold, but it was no cause for alarm, was it?

He wasn't itching his arms like crazy.

…

And there it was. A thought-provoked itch. Right on his ankle. Oh, the problems he had when he thought too much.

Sasuke dug into the cottony elastic of one sock and scratched a gouge in his foot. Strangely enough, it only made somewhere else itch worse. A minute passed and Sasuke had launched a full-out assault on his foot.

In full view of both Gaara and Neji, might he add.

He'd regret that later.

"Dude, you have some weird foot disease or something?" this time it was Gaara's voice.

Again, the speaker was promptly ignored.

"There's something wrong with him." Gaara said to Neji.

Sasuke didn't care.

"Should we get him something?"

He blinked, then yawned.

"I should cut his hair."

Sasuke wasn't sure he could hear anything anymore. He curled up on his side and closed his eyes. Kisame's buddy was back in business, and Sasuke was absolutely sure that was good. However, he didn't feel any better.

As a matter of fact, he felt…

Worse.

He had a nasty cough that morning. Oh well. Maybe he had a cold. No cause for alarm. Things had been much worse. Colds were cake.

Itachi used to make fun of him when he had a cold.

"You wanna' change the channel, Neji?" Sasuke assumed that was a hint that Gaara was getting bored. As if by magic, Sasuke heard the distinct sound of one televised conversation switching to another in mid-sentence. While Sasuke lay motionless on the couch, an anchorman spoke pleasantly to a woman named Yuhi Kurenai.

"Yes, yes, wonderful weather, isn't it, Yuhi?"

"Yes."

"Mmmm."

"…"

He was flirting with her.

"On to the local news. Quite some nasty stuff too, isn't it Yuhi?"

"Quite," A shuffling of papers, "There was a disturbance early this morning at the house of a Sound district business tycoon."

Sasuke opened one eye.

"At six twenty four this morning, a letter bomb exploded inside the foyer of Orochimaru's household."

Sasuke sat bolt upright, effectively causing Neji to shove Gaara to the other end of the couch and out of the way. His eyes danced across the screen, eventually stopping at a small, blue-rimmed picture of his guardian in the top left corner of the screen.

"Orochimaru himself was not in the house at the time of the explosion, but several of his employees were injured. Two are hospitalized with second degree burns."

Holy fuck.

Someone tried to kill the bastard before he did? Sadistic humor aside, Sasuke was no less than mortified.

Oh God, there it was again. His rhyming.

The camera cut to an earlier recording of a policeman standing outside the yellow tape in front of the mansion. "The blast was too weak to have been any real threat," the man said, "It could've been a prank."

The camera cut back to that Kurenai lady. "The package was received last week and was delivered to Orochimaru's confidant, Kabuto Yakushi."

Kabuto's slightly frazzled face blinked onto the screen. His glasses were bent, his skin was smudged with soot, and his hair was slightly wiry and blackened on one side. He scratched that side of his head and laughed calmly, "I'm just glad Orochimaru-sama wasn't there when it happened."

He would be. Damn Kabuto worshipped Orochimaru. Like, bowed down and kissed his filthy, gory black boots after he threw a bunch of babies in the road and stepped on them to avoid getting his shoes dirty kind of worship.

That sick fuck.

The unnamed anchorman and Yuhi Kurenai wrapped up the story by assuring the public that it was an isolated incident and was probably the work of jokesters.

And also that it was an unforeseen tragedy.

As far as Sasuke was concerned, the only unforeseen tragedy was that Orochimaru was not in the house at the time of the explosion.

Sasuke also thought that the opinion that this crime was committed by a bunch of pranksters was totally wrong. That bomb was clearly meant to warn Sasuke's guardian of something. To shake him up a little. The reason it wasn't strong enough to kill was that it wasn't _meant_ to kill.

All sizzle and no steak.

Itachi used to have a friend who made illegal fireworks for a living.

"Sasuke, are you okay?"

Was it just him, or was Neji referring to him by his first name? He glared sidelong at the Hyuga.

…

Neji wasn't getting the _hots_ for him, was he?

Head for the hills, Sasuke! It's a gay orgy conspiracy!

"Sasuke, you're really pale. Eat something or… something," Gaara muttered uselessly.

So Gaara was in on it too! Oh, this was just too much. He was getting _very_ uncomfortable. Two pairs of GAY eyes staring at him as if he were a piece of meat…

That was it. Sasuke was leaving. Naruto could fend for herself.

He headed for the door without so much as a muttered goodbye, lest GAY be spread through the air or something. Boy, wouldn't that be awful. Or maybe all the GAY was rubbing off on him.

God, he had to get out of there.

"Sasuke! Where do you think you're going?"

Sasuke turned around slowly and purposefully to illustrate the fact that he was not happy. "Nowhere," he growled.

Naruto smiled as if she were very happy that Sasuke was going nowhere, then flounced down the stairs and took a hard right into the kitchen. Sasuke sighed, rolled his eyes back into his skull, then sank into the floor.

"Oh my God, I think he just fainted."

"Shut up, Hyuga," Sasuke growled, dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, and shivered.

What was happening to him? He felt like there was a circus running around in his head, there was a hurricane rushing past his ears, and like he had just been shoved into a meat freezer.

Nothing was going like it was supposed to.

Nothing_ ever_ went like it was supposed to!

"Sasuke?" Naruto peeked around the corner and was gawking at him with those bright blue eyes of hers. The Uchiha soon found himself being dragged across the floor and into the living room.

After he stated that he was never dragged anywhere.

Funny the way the world turned. Sasuke was surprised that it hadn't thrown him off yet.

"Teme, stop being difficult," Naruto pouted.

Sasuke screwed up his face and snorted at her. "How am I being difficult?" he hissed.

"Well, for starters," she grumbled, "you could at least help me drag your sorry Uchiha ass out of the way."

Sasuke glared stupidly up at her. What kind of a request was that? She could pull a fucking elephant around for all he cared. So he clamped onto a wall like his life depended on it and stuck there for a while.

"Sasuke, Teme, what the hell are you doing?"

Sasuke only glared.

Naruto bettered his glare and made the nastiest face he'd ever seen. "Sasuke, you're sick!" She harped, "Stop being an asshole and let me carry you to the sofa!"

"Carry me?" he scoffed.

"Whatever!" She countered lamely.

Nevertheless, Sasuke gave in and grudgingly released the corner of the wall. There was no arguing with a determined Naruto. He of all people knew that.

Sasuke was transported to the couch, which Naruto had to all but break her back to get him onto, and he was promptly fawned over. "Sasuke," Naruto whined, "What's wrong with you? I thought you were getting better, but…" and here she trailed off and let him explain himself.

"I'm tired, Naruto. I had a long day," he lied, "Maybe I just need to go home."

"Bullshit," said Naruto.

Sasuke sighed heavily. He couldn't win. He was going to stay right there on the sofa whether he liked it or not. Sasuke doubted he was going to make it home by himself. Naruto would probably phone her chauffeur mother and have her whisk him away to his apartment building.

"I'll be fine, Dobe," Sasuke hissed with annoyance.

"Bullshit," said Naruto.

Sadly, Sasuke resigned himself to his fate and allowed the blonde to practically drown him in scalding hot chai tea. "Hinata told me that she was heating up some water in a tea kettle for her tea, but she said you could have it instead," blah, blah, blah.

Sasuke could care less. He did feel better though, and he was surprised. For once, maybe the blonde Dobe knew what she was doing.

"Feel any better?" she squeaked.

"Yeah," Sasuke admitted with indignation. It sucked when he was wrong.

Naruto smiled brightly, her hair suddenly glowing in a golden halo around her face. Must've been the light.

She skipped back into the entrance hall where Hinata was blinking at her like 'where the hell is my tea?' Naruto must've lied and stolen all the hot water for him instead.

Cute.

The two of them disappeared beyond Sasuke's vision and soon beyond his earshot. Almost immediately, Gaara morphed into his line of sight and waited for the Uchiha to notice him. Sasuke did.

"Listen," Gaara began, "I don't think you should explain any of what we just saw on television to Naruto."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "About Orochimaru?"

"Yeah."

"Why not?" Now Sasuke was curious. Yet another thing Naruto was not allowed to know? He'd have to look into the Taboos of Naruto-dom the next time he saw her.

Gaara sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Just don't do it," he warned.

Then, all was silent as Sasuke stared in defiance up at Gaara, and Gaara did likewise down to him. Who was that redheaded midget to tell him what to do? He could fuck off for all Sasuke cared.

Yet, for all of his inner arguing, he was sure he wasn't going to tell the Uzumaki anything. Perhaps her knowing would create some sort of trouble. Sasuke didn't like trouble. Especially when he didn't know what sort of trouble it was.

"Fine," Sasuke growled, "But I want to know what all this shit is all about."

"What shit?" Gaara asked skeptically.

"All this stuff about what Naruto can and can't know," Sasuke demanded, "I want to know why."

"None of your business, Uchiha," Gaara hissed, eyes narrowing in defiance.

"It is too my fucking business!" Sasuke hissed, leaping up from his spot on the bed and _daring_ the Suna redhead to challenge him again.

It was at that point that Neji decided to jump in.

Bastard.

He forbade any fighting between Gaara and Sasuke, and informed Sasuke that if he were to harm a single hair on Gaara's head that he'd…

Well.

In summary, it was one of the most painful ways a man could die. That was all Sasuke would willingly say about that.

His eye twitched involuntarily, and then he sat back down on the couch and said nothing.

Neji knew he'd won, and Sasuke didn't doubt that he'd rub it in his face later. So what. At least Sasuke still had his…

Never mind.

----

The more Naruto walked around Hinata's house, the more familiar it seemed. He had seen the _exact_ same hallway leading to the_ exact_ same room. But where? He had somehow known the way to the bathroom on the second floor like the back of his hand.

Frankly, it creeped him out.

He knew _exactly_ how many stairs there were leading to Hinata's room. He also knew that directly below her room was her parents' room and directly across the hall was another bedroom. He went snooping around in the one across the hall, expecting to find it empty.

Surprise, surprise.

The room was _filled _to the brim with stuffed animals.

Whoever lived in here was spoiled rotten, Naruto was more than sure. The walls were an ugly shade of Barbie pink, there was a vanity in the corner that was also blindingly pink, and there was a circular bed with lace draperies that was also a repulsive shade of PINK. As a matter of fact, the whole room was so PINK, Naruto had to shut the door and rest his eyes to keep from blinding himself.

When he opened them, everything was GREEN.

"That is my sister's room."

Naruto spun around, and there was Hinata. She didn't look extremely angry, much to Naruto's relief. She looked, dare he say it, happy that he had taken a peek into her sister's personal life.

"Come to think of it," Naruto said, scratching the back of his head, "Is she older or younger than you?"

"Younger," said Hinata, "Nine."

Naruto's eye twitched. "You've gotta' be kidding me!" Hinata shook her head.

"And she lives in _that_?" Naruto pointed at the offending room and the PINK therein. Hinata nodded.

"Well, shit," was the only thing Naruto managed to say.

"She is the favorite in my family," explained Hinata with more than a hint of disdain. Naruto could see why. Hinata's room, which had seemed decent to Naruto, was exactly that.

Decent.

And this room made decent look bad. Hinata's little sister had everything she wanted. "What's her name?" Naruto stuttered.

"It's Hanabi," Hinata spat.

"Stupid name," said Naruto.

"Yes," Hinata concurred.

"So why's she all spoiled and stuff?" asked Naruto, eager to be as angry as he could at Hinata's younger sister.

She sighed. "Well, I'm not much for sports. I never was. I'm anemic and I have asthma… My sister is perfect. She plays football a lot."

_Football?_

"Soccer," she corrected.

"'Kay."

She sniffled for good effect, "And I'm not a straight A student like my sister. She has such good grades. Father calls her a genius. Hanabi-san is my father's dream child. She gets everything she wants."

'Kay.

Naruto was going to kick Hanabi's ass.

"And you don't ever _do_ anything about it?" Naruto growled.

"It's not as easy as it sounds," squeaked Hinata, "I don't want to stand up to my father… It's very difficult for me." She blinked over at him. "Isn't it difficult for you to stand up to your parents?"

"Hah!" Naruto laughed, "My mom really…"

Shit.

She had to remind him.

"She's kinda' weird," was all that he could manage to say.

"Weird?" Hinata mimicked, "How so?"

"Well she," Naruto trailed off, "She's so full of fluff. At least I think-_thought_ she was. She lets me get away with lots of stuff. Except when I ate her waffle that one time…"

Fond memories.

"That's strange," said Hinata, "I don't get away with anything. My sister could get away with murder if she wanted to."

"Yeah, I guess," Naruto said, shaking his head bewilderedly. "You need to stick up for yourself more though," he pointed out.

"I don't think I can."

"Sure you can. You just say 'fuck you, dad!' and walk off. Very simple."

"Do you have any idea what would happen to me if I did that?" Hinata squeaked in agony. Naruto didn't, but she didn't need to know that.

"Whatever," Naruto grumbled. Boy, what he was about to say sounded uber-cheesy. He had no choice though. Who knew? Maybe she liked cheese.

"Listen, you may not be as smart as your sister, and you can't change the fact that you can't do sports. He can't expect you to do better than your best! Your anemia-thingy and your asthma aren't going to just go away! If your dad just expects it to fly out the window, he's got another thing coming. The next time he gets mad at you for it, give him hell!"

Hinata was inching her way away from him. Naruto mentally slapped himself. Her little 'crazy woman with an attitude' alert was screaming like mad.

Naruto sighed and rolled his eyes.

"So, you're telling me to… 'Give him hell?'" Hinata asked.

Naruto nodded energetically.

"How do I do that?"

Had Naruto the ability to face-fault, he would've done it. And fallen down in pain for good measure.

He had forgotten that she wasn't well-versed in American slang. He briefly described the terms and conditions of 'giving him hell.' Four minutes and she was all set.

"So I just tell him what I think about him?" she said warily.

"Basically yes," then Naruto added quickly, "but if he doesn't get your drift you can always kick him in the shins."

"'Get… my… drift..?'"

Oh boy. Naruto was going to have a long night.

----

Sasuke had fallen asleep. Hinata's house was so boring. Or maybe it was that he was boring. Probably both. When he woke up, Sasuke was on the couch again, but there was something different.

He was under a blanket.

A very nice, warm, comfortable blanket. And there was something sitting on his feet.

It was Naruto.

Who had, coincidentally, curled up into a little Naruto-ball and fallen asleep. Sasuke really didn't want to find her completely adorable, but he had no choice. She was completely adorable.

She had both of her little paws tucked behind her head and her little legs curled into her chest. Her little toes wiggled every now and then and she scrunched her little whisker-marked face up every once in a while. Sasuke rested his face in one hand and smiled.

Maybe he could play with her toes…

He experimentally poked at one only to have it withdraw immediately. Naruto rearranged herself against the arm of the sofa and sleep-sighed.

Sasuke snatched one of her toes up and held it hostage.

She growled and kicked at him. Lucky for Sasuke, he had a very strong grip on that toe and the foot attached to it couldn't quite reach his face. He snickered at her. She whined and twitched and kicked and growled before rolling herself completely off of the sofa.

She made a surprised little yelp when she thudded against the carpet. Sasuke waited a moment for her to wake up. She yawned and flicked her head in every direction before registering that the dark-haired Uchiha boy was on the sofa laughing at her.

"Heeey Teme!" she accused with a slur.

"Hm?" he answered, resting his head against the back of his hand again and staring superiorly at her.

"It was _you _who was chasing me and trying to cut my feet off!"

"Whatever you say.

"I oughta' smack you one," She threatened.

Sasuke chuckled at her. "You won't though."

"Screw you."

Sasuke nudged her with his foot. Then it seemed that Naruto had come to the conclusion that Sasuke was playing with her. She pounced at his foot before bouncing onto the couch and pulling his hair.

She must've been in a very good mood.

However happy she might have been, though, Sasuke could not allow her to ruin his hair. He pried her off.

"Wow, you must be in a _really_ good mood," she commented, "Gimme' some of that shit you're smoking."

Hah hah.

Very funny.

It was only after that, that Sasuke realized where Naruto was.

She was sitting directly on top of him.

_Him._

Being the man he was, he couldn't force himself to think of more innocent things when she was _right there_. Needless to say, Sasuke was very happy for the thick blanket separating them both.

And it didn't help that she was just sitting there, looking at him with those gigantic blue eyes.

Expecting him to _do_ something.

Do something.

Hah… hah hah hah. Sasuke was on fire.

"Soooo…" she began, shifting her legs a little. Which did _not_ help things at all. She twiddled her thumbs and bit her nails. "Sasuke, I wanted to ask you something."

_Would you do me?_

No no no no no no no no-

"My birthday's next week. I was wondering if maybe…" she fiddled with her short, fluffy hair. She blinked down at him again, then leaned in so her upper body was resting on Sasuke's chest. "Could you maybe… come to my party?"

_Come._

Bitchcunstshitmotherfuckingdammit!

Ho-kay, Sasuke, breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. She is not asking you to flip her over and fuck her. She is asking you to attend her birthday party. She wants you to go to her birthday party. Birthday party. Not pants party. Breathe in. Breathe out.

"Umm…" she stuttered when he didn't answer her, "Normally it's just my mom and I, but…"

Oh shit.

What had he done?

He was tearing Naruto's family apart. What was left of her family, anyway. Dammit! Now he had a boner _and_ he felt bad.

"Well, could you go instead? I mean, it's not like she'd mind."

"Sure," Sasuke breathed, "You're sure your mom won't care?" Naruto looked at him like she wanted to get right in his face and say 'duurrrr' really loud. "I'm positive," she said.

"Where's it going to be?" Sasuke asked.

"The beach," Naruto answered.

_The beach._

He thought about it for a while. The beach was nice. It was calm and relaxing. Nothing Sasuke would lament agreeing to.

Could he afford to make her happy?

Sasuke told her that he'd go. As much as he hated to admit it, Sasuke didn't want to spoil her birthday. She was so unhappy lately. He wasn't all there when she was unhappy. He wasn't going to be doing anything of major importance next week anyway. And even if something came up, Sasuke was certain that he could _maybe_ take a minute out of his busy day to build a sandcastle with her.

She smiled brilliantly and all of the sudden, the room seemed slightly less dull. She lunged out and hugged him around the shoulders. "Thanks," she purred. It was at that moment in time that Sasuke woke up and realized what his life had been missing.

Love.

----

Me: O.o I had a major endorphin rush with those last two paragraphs.

Chibi Naruto: Homigawd fluffsmut!

Chibi Hinata: O rly?

Chibi Neji: Ya rly!

Chibi Gaara: Nu wai!

Chibi Sasuke: You could get sued for that.

Me: I DON'T OWN THE O'RLY OWL!

Chibi Sasuke: Damn! –mutters-

Me: Well that was hectic. Writing that chapter was like watching a train wreck. Halfway through this I was like, 'life is meaningless!' and then I was like, 'OMG! I'll write another fanfic!' So I, like, wrote the first chapter of it and I, like, liked it a lot. Then I was like, 'life is beautiful!' and I wrote the second half of this chapter.

Chibi Gaara: Like, totally.

Chibi Neji: 'Tcha.

Nelson: Foo!

Me: Anyway, the second fanfic is a Death Note fanfic. Maybe you could let me know whether I should post it or not.

Chibi Gaara: That's code for 'she wants you to vote whether or not to post it when you review.'

Me: …

Chibi Gaara: Yeah. Anyway, vote, review, and have a cookie while you're at it.

Chibi Hinata: Hooray cookie! –nibbles a cookie-

Chibi Gaara: Review, review, review!


	19. 19: Sandcastles in a storm

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any other writing mentioned in this fanfic?

Chibi Naruto: Omigee! A giant, rotating watermelon!

Chibi Gaara: -le gasp- It's true!

Chibi Neji: Wonder how that got there.

Chibi Sasuke: Hmmm…

Chibi Itachi: Die! –quickly and expertly assassinates watermelon-

Chibi Sasuke: O: -faints-

Chibi Naruto: My watermelonnnnn!!!

Me: Well that was fun. Poor watermelon. But seriously. There's this giant, metallic, rotating watermelon on television. It's owned by a bunch of chicken people in spandex.

Chibi Neji: Holy God.

Chibi Gaara: Right you are.

Me: Anyway, here's another chapter!

Chibi Naruto: YAAAAAAYYYY.

Chibi Kyuubi: Whuwuzzat?

Chibi Naruto: YAAAAAAYYYY!!!

Me: Humor and SAP abound in this chapter. Since I'm feeling bubbly this week and all. And since Sasuke's cute little flashbacks are always sap central. Mweeee!

Chibi Gaara: Yep. Underneath that druggie exterior, Sasuke's just a big ball of fluff.

Chibi Naruto: You LOOKED???

Chibi Gaara: Down. Stay. Staaaayyy. Good. For all the rest of you, sit back and enjoy another sweet little chappie-o-doom. Served up just the way you like it. Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 19**

"Nuh uh!" Naruto screeched accusingly, pointing a skillfully done, purple-nailed finger at her gym teacher.

Yes, Naruto had finally asked the question mankind was falling over itself to know. The last mystery in the modern world. Such a phenomenal paradox that not even Albert Einstein _himself_ would have dared to comprehend.

Why, indeed, did Kakashi wear that thing on his face?

And the answer was no less than shocking.

"I shot my eye out and I have SARS."

That was it.

Sasuke was bewildered.

"You do NOT have SARS!" argued Naruto. To no avail. Kakashi insisted that he did, truthfully, have SARS. Which made no sense. If he had SARS, he wouldn't be allowed in a public place like school.

Sasuke didn't understand how someone like Kakashi could possibly have shot his eye out either. Then again, this was Kakashi he was talking about. He was out of his mind.

"I was five years old. I shot my granddad's pistol at the ground and a piece of shrapnel bounced up and hit me in the eye."

Damn.

Sasuke at least hoped his teacher was cooler than that. Like he got shot in a gang war or a frag-grenade exploded in his face or something. But a piece of ricocheted bullet got in his eye and ruined it.

After enough prodding, the agitated health teacher finally told Naruto and Sasuke that the eye thing was true, but he wore the scarf/facemask/thing just for the hell of it.

Made him look like a ninja.

Sasuke raked his nails across his eyes and instantly decided that Kakashi watched way too many martial arts movies.

Then, Kakashi informed them that, since they had bothered him too much, he would stop postponing the mile and it would be that week. On a surprise day.

The idea was promptly stared at in horror, and then energetically and fruitlessly protested against. Even in the car on her way to the beach, Naruto was still complaining.

"That was so unfair!" she groused, "If he didn't wear that stupid scarf on his head then this never would've happened in the first place! Damn scarf…"

Sasuke nodded in agreement.

"Are you talking trash about Kakashi again?" asked Iruka in girly terror.

Naruto spit at him. "Yeah!" she threatened, "whatcha' gonna' do about it?"

"I'll kick you out of my van."

Naruto then smiled brightly and cutely, pulling out the comment that girls made when they had nothing else to say.

"I _looove_ you!"

Iruka and the bobble-head dolphin on his dashboard both rolled their eyes. The English teacher had agreed to take them both to the beach, since Naruto's mom was busy.

Yeah.

Busy his ass.

Sasuke wondered what the fuck she could be doing. Or _who_ the fuck she could be doing. Yep. Naruto told him all about it. She came right up to him, said, "My mom's a whore," and they both smiled and walked to the ramen stand together.

It was very romantic.

"Did _you_ know that he shot his eye out?" Naruto continued. Iruka almost drove over a curb. He goggled at Naruto through the rear view mirror. "No!" he yelled disbelievingly. "Yes!" cheered Naruto.

Sasuke didn't care for the rest of the trip. He spent the rest of his time fogging up his backseat window. His thoughts kept drifting to the fact that he'd bought Naruto a _very_ expensive birthday present, and he had no idea whether she'd like it or not. Better yet, he had no idea whether she'd accept it or not. Even better than that, Sasuke wondered how much he'd hate himself for buying it for her.

He got her a phone.

A cell phone.

Not one of the cheap ones either. A really thin, really sparkly, really clean, new phone. Complete with web, unlimited texting, hi-resolution digital camera, video, mp3, speakers, and little pixel-game things.

And he was going to pay for it all.

Every month.

A hundred bucks every month.

Hell, Sasuke could afford it. A little. He just hoped Naruto wouldn't magically lose it somewhere. He wondered if she'd let him pay for it. He wondered if her _mom_ would let him pay for it.

Of course she would.

She was a whore.

Kyuubi needed all the money she could get.

Sure, he could've gotten her a fluffy and slightly less expensive present, but he thought of it this way: Naruto would interpret it as a way for her to keep close to him. An invitation to do so. What was more, she would never be bored again.

"Hellloooooo! Teme! Wake up!" Sasuke was jolted by a rather rough punch in the back. He Uchiha-glared at Naruto, only to discover that she quite liked it when he glared at her. Naruto glomped him, for lack of a better phrase, and dragged him out of the van by his left shoe.

"Mmkay," she said irrelevantly, "Bye Iruka!" Naruto waved her little arms in wide, enthusiastic arcs as the van putted down the road and out of sight.

While all this was going on, Sasuke observed the scenery. The beach stretched for miles in either direction, interrupted every once in a while by an isolated outbreak of condominiums. Beyond the wooden rim of the sidewalk, the sand was a mismatched speckling of grayish gold grains of sand. Medium-sized waves crashed and receded on the shore. In short, it was a beach.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Ice cream parlors and cafes lined the street, and there wasn't a tree in sight.

Save for one.

It was tall. Taller than most buildings, in fact. One day, it just appeared there. He used to climb into the branches and pretend he was a monkey. And, when he felt like it, his brother was the hungry, lonely tiger waiting below on the jungle floor.

This was his tree.

Itachi's tree.

If it was avoidable, Sasuke had no intention of going anywhere near it.

"Here we are!" announced Naruto, "and we'll be here 'till six! That's two and a half hours to do whatever the hell we want!"

Sasuke replied that it was great. And Naruto smiled.

She rocketed off onto the sand, lost her sandals in the process, and made like mad for the water. Sasuke watched in amusement as she sped up to it at the speed of sound, then dipped her big toe in the water and scurried back squealing and laughing like there was an enormous, pink catfish on her foot, gumming her toe to death.

"Saaasukeeee!" she squawked, "It's cooolllldddddd!"

"And what do you want me to do about it?" he asked rhetorically as he walked out onto the sand. It smooshed under his shoes, so he decided to take them off before they got too dirty. No sooner had he tossed them off when Naruto grabbed a hold of his arm and dragged him into the water.

"Holy fuck!" Sasuke roared.

That water was cold! Sasuke forcefully pulled in the other direction, releasing himself from Naruto's death grip. He congratulated himself curtly before determining that Naruto was running at him and yelling because she wanted to pull him back into the water. He ran.

"Aww! Sasuke! Come on!" Naruto pouted.

"Before you get your clothes soaked, I bought you something," Sasuke mentioned.

Naruto squealed in her peculiar fangirly way and splashed out of the ocean. "You didn't have to buy me something!" she said in her squeaky Naruto voice.

That was what Sasuke was afraid of.

She wasn't going to accept it.

He could try. Sasuke led her to his backpack, where he sifted through his trash to find an expediently wrapped box. He handed it to Naruto, who made a noise Sasuke could not define for the life of him, and tore away at the wrapping.

"Hey! Not so fast," he warned.

Naruto blinked up at him with especially wide, blue eyes. "Huh?" she questioned.

"I just want you to know that I won't listen to you if you tell me to take it back. I wanted to buy it for you. So just don't worry about it."

She raised a skeptical eyebrow at him, then said, "'Kay," like it was nothing and continued destroying the wrapping. She pulled the mess of tape and glossy paper away from the box.

Sasuke waited and crossed his fingers.

"Holy fuck," said Naruto.

----

Oh. My. God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Omigawdomigawdomigawd!

It was a fucking flip phone! The pictures plastered all over the box showed a phone that must've been, like, less than half an inch thick.

_Closed!_

And it had speakers in the sides, a little screen and a camera in the front, and a main LCD screen inside that must've been at _least_ the size of Jupiter! And the buttons were all shiny and they were all glowy, and Naruto didn't have to worry about snapping the antenna off because it was inside the fucking framework of the fucking phone.

Holy fuck.

Naruto squealed like he never had before, and quite literally flung himself at Sasuke.

Who had anticipated the action and dodged to the side, he might add.

Did Naruto care?

No!

He lunged for the Uchiha again, who had intelligently inferred that resistance was futile at this point, and gave him a big, wet kiss.

Naruto was too squealy happy to take advantage of the situation, and furthermore it was not a very girly thing to do. "Sasuke, you idiot!" he screeched, "I told you that you didn't need to buy me a present!"

"I'm not returning it," Sasuke repreated.

"Sasuke!" It had just hit Naruto square on the head that this was _way_ too much money to spend for someone's birthday. Even for Sasuke. It must've cost a fortune! When the duck-haired Uchiha explained all the features to him, his eyebrows shot up into his scalp.

Once again, Naruto said, "Holy fuck."

Sasuke was going to be spending _that_ much money on him?

Not even Sasuke in his infinite wealth could keep that up. Naruto felt like a pig. He had to decline.

"Did you hear me? I said I wouldn't take it back. I'm a billionaire, Naruto. I have lots of money and nothing to do with it," Naruto could tell he didn't feel one hundred percent sure about the 'lots of money' part. He decided to tell him that.

"I do, okay? I have too much money and I can definitely afford to pay for a cell phone."

Slowly, Naruto gave in. He could tell that Sasuke was being sincere. "Okay," he said warily, "but you have to get one too."

"Me?" Sasuke was confused.

"Yep. So I don't feel like it's just me eating your money."

"So you don't want me to waste my money, but you want me to double the bill by getting the same plan for myself?"

"Pretty much."

"Dobe."

"Teme."

"You want ice cream?"

"Oh my God. Was that small-talk?"

"Maybe."

"Thank the Lord, he has been saved!" shouted Naruto.

And Sasuke bought them ice cream.

Naruto felt more bubbly and gushy than he had in his entire life. He was eating wedding-cake flavored gelato on the beach, with Sasuke, without shoes on, while the sun was setting.

And he had a cell phone.

Kick ass.

"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto nudged the boy beside him, who consequently and unknowingly smeared a bit of gelato on his nose. He hummed at Naruto. The blonde giggled maniacally, "I wanna call Gaara. Can I call Gaara?"

"Call whoever you want," Sasuke said simply before eating another spoonful.

"Sweet!" said Naruto. He pulled the pink phone out of its case, flipped one half of the phone up, figured out how to turn it on, and then dialed Gaara's number. It took him a while to get it right, but with Sasuke's help, the number was called.

"Hello?" It was Gaara, who sounded a little winded.

Naruto paid no attention. "Hey! It's meee!" squeaked Naruto.

"Naruto," Gaara breathed, "Why the hell are you calling me? Aren't you supposed to be at the beach?"

"I _am_ at the beach! I'm calling you from my CELL PHONE!"

"No fucking way. He bought you a _phone_?" Gaara panted, "Is that what you called for? To gloat about it?"

"Yeah!"

"Naruto, I'm busy!"

"Oh," Naruto thought a moment, then smiled. "Say hi to Neji for me!"

The muffled sound of someone saying, 'Naruto says hi,' then the gruff sound of someone saying 'Jesus Christ,' reached Naruto's ear.

"Yeah, he says hi back," Gaara breathed, "Now I'm hanging up."

"Why did you have the phone in your room anyway?"

"Goodbye."

"Bye!" Naruto happily clicked the phone off.

"That was disgusting," commented Sasuke.

"That was awesome," responded Naruto. He hugged himself, kissed his precious phone, and then finished his ice cream off.

"Hey Dobe," Sasuke whispered a minute later. Naruto grinned and blinked at him. "Hmm?" he purred. Sasuke leaned in closer until his eyelashes brushed against Naruto's hair. Naruto's breath hitched and caught in his throat.

"You have ice cream on your face."

The next thing Naruto knew, he felt really good. Sasuke's surprisingly soft lips were pressing up against his own. It was too good to be true, of course. Just too good to be true.

But it was true.

And Naruto liked it that way. He meshed his hands together behind Sasuke's neck and he could feel the dark-haired Uchiha combing his fingers through Naruto's hair. Sasuke's lips met his repeatedly. Again and again and again. Naruto didn't have to wait long before he felt a hot tongue teasing his lips. So Sasuke wanted to have some fun, did he?

Naruto was more than willing to help.

As soon as his lips parted, though, Naruto got the feeling that he should stop. If he didn't end this soon, something was going to happen. Something that would make himself and Sasuke _very_ unhappy. It hadn't happened to him since Jiraya had shown him some exceptionally tasty porn on the internet.

Pressure began to rise below Naruto's waist.

Oh, damn.

But Sasuke tasted like ice cream. Really good ice cream.

Gah!

He was torn!

Nevertheless, he regretfully chose the greater of two evils and dealt with it as soon as he could. Naruto withdrew from the kiss with a wet smack of the lips. "I'll be right back!" he whistled before racing for the bathroom.

----

Sasuke watched her go.

Well, that ended awkwardly.

Did he do something wrong? Did something happen? What? Naruto just left him saying she'd 'be right back.' Sasuke didn't like it. He got a terribly jumpy feeling. The kind of feeling one gets when he knows he's done something horribly wrong. What had he done to Naruto? Gave her a cell phone, tried to give her a kiss. It was sweet while it lasted, but it only lasted so long.

She was just this gigantic puzzle, wasn't she? The kind that comes with the fancy board in the box, and whose pieces are scattered in the farthest corners of your grandmother's basement. The kind that wouldn't make sense to Sasuke for the life of him.

"Uh, hey," she had skipped back from the restroom, chuckling nervously to herself all the way.

Sasuke quirked an inquisitive eyebrow at her.

"I, uh… My makeup was getting ruined."

"That's it?" sighed Sasuke.

"Er, yeah. Sorry."

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked skeptically.

"No!" Naruto giggled, "Nothing! Just fixing my makeup!"

Hmmm… Maybe she was afraid that he was going too far. He heard about that a lot. Some girl got scared and left some guy hanging. But she came back, which proved to Sasuke that he might be able to fix it.

Naruto gave him a hug for good measure. "Hey," she whispered after a moment. Sasuke frowned at her. What was this? "Yeah?" he said.

She smiled like all was good and well in Naruto-land, then tilted her head and said something that made Sasuke's eyes bulge.

"Wanna go see my dad?"

----

Naruto could tell by the look on Sasuke's face that he hadn't been expecting that last comment. He could also tell that his sudden trip to the bathroom didn't sit too well with the dark-haired Uchiha. He was awfully quiet.

Too quiet…

Ah, well. Whatever. Naruto was feeling lucky. If he was lucky, which he had just explained that he was, Sasuke wouldn't think any worse about him.

Since he was feeling this way, Naruto was now skipping up the sidewalk with Sasuke in tow. He could see the tree getting closer and closer.

He wanted to share that tree with Sasuke. It was the least he could do for the cell phone and the kiss. Plus, he just needed someone to talk to.

"Here we are!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. Sasuke glared skeptically at the tree. "This?" he said.

"Yup!" Naruto squeaked, walking up to the tree and hugging it with all his might. Sasuke was eyeing the tree cautiously. Naruto wondered why. "Something wrong with my dad's tree?" he asked defensively.

"Your dad's tree?" said Sasuke.

"Yeah," Naruto confirmed, "My mom planted it here with my dad before I was born."

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow thoughtfully and stayed quiet. The little blonde Uzumaki frowned suspiciously at him. Maybe his sudden running away did more to the Uchiha than he thought.

"My brother and I used to play here all the time."

…_Oh?_

Naruto slid to the ground with his back against the tree. Sasuke did likewise.

There was a long, sleepy sigh.

"You used to have fun with your brother, huh?" asked Naruto. He knew he shouldn't have brought it up, but he was curious. What was Sasuke's brother like? What was Sasuke like, even? He shoved his phone in his back pocket and listened.

"Yeah," answered Sasuke with a sigh.

Naruto realized that this was painful for him to talk about. The way he said it was so… blah. Not in the way a dusty blackboard is blah, or the way a bunch of cookie-cutter houses all in a row is blah. More like the way a shadow on a rice-paper screen is blah.

You never knew what was behind it.

"I used to have fun with my dad too, even though I didn't really see him much," consoled Naruto, "He bought me a turtle once when I was really little. The turtle's name was Franklin."

A derisive laugh was heard and Naruto puffed all his proverbial fur out in a righteous little ball of indignation. "I was really little, okay?"

"Yeah," said Sasuke, "Whatever."

Naruto spit at him.

"Itachi brought me a cat once," said Sasuke. Naruto was genuinely interested. "What kind of a cat?" he asked. Sasuke snorted, "I have no idea. It was a stray I think. Either that or he stole it from someone. Anyway, it was an old, fat, dusty black cat."

"Eeeewww…" said Naruto.

"Itachi named him Church."

"Church?" questioned Naruto, "that's a weird name."

Sasuke stayed completely silent.

Oops.

What did Naruto say wrong?

After an extremely awkward pause, Sasuke mentioned something. "It was short for Winston Churchill."

Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Who would want to name their cat that?"

"Itachi read Pet Sematary when he was five. That was the name of the cat."

The Uzumaki scoffed, "That's a bit morbid."

"My brother was a bit morbid," said Sasuke.

"Ah. What other stuff did he read?" Asked Naruto, trying to be as innocent and caring as he could be.

Sasuke thought a moment. "He read a lot of Stephen King's stuff. And a lot of Agatha Christie's books. He liked Edgar Allen Poe too, especially 'The Raven' and 'The Telltale Heart.' He read classics too. Like Pride and Prejudice, War and Peace, To Kill a Mockingbird," and here he stopped. Naruto blinked. Despite all the horrible things he'd overheard about Itachi, Sasuke seemed quite fond of him. At least, when he wasn't trying to feel vengeful.

He assumed that was the reason Sasuke stopped so abruptly in the middle of his sentence. He was ranting about how great his brother was, and then he remembered how horrible he was supposed to be.

It was kind of sad.

----

"_Inabi!"_

"_What do you want?"_

"_Play with me!"_

_It was late, the sun was setting, and Sasuke had his heart set on convincing his twenty five year old relative to build a sandcastle with him. No matter how much Sasuke whined, Inabi remained stoic and cold as ever._

"_Come on!" he sniffled with his best pathetic voice, "Build a sandcastle with me!"_

"_Do it on your own!"_

"_But," Sasuke's arms dropped forlornly to his sides, "the water keeps washing it away…"_

"_That's what happens. Sandcastles wash away. Build one higher on the shore," Inabi snorted._

"_But then I can't build a moat around it!" Sasuke wrung his hands on his navy wool pullover and whined._

"_Tough luck," abstained Inabi._

_Tears welled up in the little Uchiha's eyes. "But-"_

"_Sasuke."_

_A soft, commanding voice reached to him from the right. Sasuke turned his head._

_There was Itachi, standing there like a statue. Silent, cold, and indifferent. Sasuke smiled warmly and bounced on his heels. "Nii-san!" he giggled. Itachi nodded at him, then glared past him at Inabi._

_Itachi had a very peculiar glare._

_It was a not-glare._

_A look he gave that was ruthlessly intimidating, yet passive and subtle._

_The Uchiha glare._

_Sasuke ignored the fact that Inabi looked extremely uncomfortable and much less composed than he had been earlier. All he knew was that he'd found someone who would help him with his sandcastle. That was enough for him._

_A ghost of a smile appeared on Itachi's lips. "I'll help you," he said simply._

_If such a thing was possible, Sasuke's grin widened even more. He grabbed his older brother's hand, squeaked his thanks, spit at Inabi, and then proceeded to skip down the beach, brother in tow. He laughed all the way, babbling about his previous castle conquests and their failures. All of his previous castles were conquered by rogue waves and reduced to mere mounds of sand._

_Everyone on the beach was casting him queer looks, even his mother._

_Sasuke didn't care._

_He stopped at a small, smooth hill of sand. He frowned. "It was bigger than that a few minutes ago…"_

_Itachi gave him a halfhearted noogie, which lightened Sasuke's spirits considerably. He set to work, digging a trench and using the unearthed sand to build the towers higher. Itachi perched close by, on the very edge of Sasuke's vision, and observed his brother carefully. He occasionally walked over and etched a detail or two._

_Then a wave came up. Sasuke watched in horror as the film of water rose higher and higher onto the land. Closer to his castle. He ran in front of the castle, movie style, and threw himself in front of it with a drawn out and theatrical "NOOOOOOOO!!!"_

_White foam surged between his toes and mercilessly beat the sides of his fortress. When it receded, Sasuke was left with yet another pile of useless sand._

_He felt his eyelashes getting warm and wet and his vision blurred. A pressure started building up in his cheeks and he knew he was going to cry. He fell down in the sand, back to his brother, and tried frantically to wipe the tears from his eyes. He crossed his arms, got up, and walked away with his head held low._

"_Sasuke."_

_He stopped in his tracks. He knew what his name meant. Itachi wanted him to stop. He didn't even need to finish his thoughts._

"_Sasuke, stop crying and come back."_

_He wasn't asking Sasuke to walk back._

_He was commanding him._

_The little Uchiha turned back, head still hanging low, eyes to the ground. He sniffled and wiped a tear out of his eye before it could fall. He meandered slowly over to his brother, who was waiting patiently in the sand. He stopped a few feet away, where he became suddenly interested in his toes._

"_Try again."_

_Sasuke looked up briefly, very surprised at the gentle tone of his brother's voice. He nodded with resolve. He wasn't going to disappoint his brother. Besides, there was no one who Sasuke valued more. _

_Itachi's presence._

_His opinions._

_His existence._

_His dad was disappointed in him. He could tell by the way his father always glared down his nose at him, if he would go out of his way to look at him at all. His relatives were disappointed in him. They didn't care._

_Only his mother and Itachi bothered to applaud him when he did something right._

_He wasn't about to disappoint._

_Mind made up, Sasuke marched uphill in search of a spot to build his sixth and final castle._

"_Where are you going."_

_Uh oh._

_There was that voice again. Sasuke was doing something wrong._

_He whirled around questioningly, locking eyes with Itachi. "Inabi told me to build one higher up-"_

"_I don't care what Inabi said," Itachi murmured, "and neither should you."_

_Sasuke was puzzled. It seemed logical to build one higher up. The waves couldn't get it up there. He wouldn't be able to build his precious moat and he'd have to transport damp sand from down below, but at least his castle would stay in tact._

_Itachi wordlessly pushed himself off of the sand, dusted himself off, and made his way toward his little brother. Sasuke blinked up at his older brother with wonder._

"_When you have a problem that keeps you from doing what you want to do, don't run from it," Itachi said, "Search for a way to outdo your problem. You could move up the beach like Inabi told you to, but that would make you a coward."_

_Coward?_

_What was a coward?_

_He'd have to ask later._

"_But…" he stuttered. How could he keep the ocean from washing his handiwork away? He could build a wall, but the water would wash over that as it did to everything else. His castle would go down anyway._

_Itachi wordlessly took him aside and walked him down to the edge of the water. Sasuke squished the sand between his toes and strutted around to avoid getting his shorts wet._

"_Sand is weak," Itachi explained, "water overpowers it and separates it, carrying it off. You need something inside the sand, holding it together and making it stronger._

_Sasuke screwed up his face, "Glue?"_

_There it was again. That ghost of a smile._

"_No," said Itachi._

_Sasuke was crestfallen. What then? String? Yarn? Staples? Tape? Sasuke saw a commercial once for a special kind of tape that could hold anything together. What was it called now? What did they say it was?_

_Quack._

_Duck tape._

_Duck tape! That was it! Did Itachi have any duck tape with him?_

_He looked eagerly up at his brother, expecting him to produce a roll of silver tape from the folds of his shirt._

_Itachi wheeled about face in response to Sasuke's inquiring eyes. He walked further out into the surf, looking for something. Sasuke quirked an eyebrow, not knowing what to expect anymore. Did duck tape come from the ocean? Ducks floated on water, so maybe duck tape floated too._

_His big brother's eyes scanned the surface of the water in a mechanical way. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and… ah! He seemed to have found what he was searching for. He knelt down in the water, completely soaking one leg of his jeans, and raked through the water with his fingers._

_Itachi stood back up, not bothering to shake the water off, and waded back over to Sasuke. He held something out in front of Sasuke's face and the little Uchiha clasped his fingers around his nose._

_It stunk!_

_He leaned in, scrutinizing the mass of leathery, shiny, brownish green goop with a critical eye. All he knew was that it smelled really bad. "Yuck!" he exclaimed, "What is it?"_

"_Seaweed," Itachi said as-a-matter-of-factly, "It tears away and ends up here on the beach." He pointed to a nearby clump of the floating, slimy, leafy, greenish, vile-smelling stuff. "Grab some."_

_Sasuke stuck his tongue out in disdain, but waded out into the water anyway. He carried a handful of it onshore. What could Itachi want with this crap? The two of them trotted over to the ruins of the last castle, seaweed in hand._

"_Now," Itachi explained, "I want you to build that sand castle the same way you did earlier, but I want you to mix some of this in with the sand."_

"_Eeewww…" said Sasuke with a slimy hand to his nose. "But its so icky and smelly and… bleh!"_

_Itachi nodded distantly, "That may be, but it's strong. It will hold the sand together."_

"_Oh," Sasuke mumbled before setting to work._

_A quarter of an hour later, his castle looked decent. He waited warily for the arrival of another wave as he started digging his moat. He ran and retrieved another handful of seaweed. Itachi said it would keep the sand from floating away, so he figured he'd line the trench with it as well. He dug his fingers into the sand, and no sooner had he done it than Itachi stopped him._

"_Don't dig so close," Itachi warned._

"_Why not?" Sasuke asked._

"_You're digging away at the foundations of your own castle. If you keep hollowing it out like that, that side will break off and you'll have to rebuild it."_

"_Oh," Sasuke whispered. He returned to his trench digging, but at a greater distance from his fortress. As he dug, the more he thought. The more he thought, the more he realized that Itachi was no longer just a brother to him, but a maze of paradoxes too. Sasuke could only wonder how he knew so much. He was grateful, yes, that his brother had the answers. It confused him though._

_How could someone possibly know all this?_

_He stepped back to admire his work. The castle was magnificent by his standards. It had four spires with ridges on the top, a misshapen tower in the center, and fingerprints for windows. It was surrounded on all sides by a moat whose width varied at random._

_Sasuke was infinitely proud of himself. He stood triumphantly with his hands on his hips, leering at his brother from the corner of his eye. "I did it all by myself!" he smiled._

_Itachi sighed. It wasn't an annoyed sigh. It was more of a 'why you dirty rotten little liar' sigh. Sasuke giggled. "Hey Itachi?" he asked suddenly._

_The addressed answered with a vaguely interested "Hm?"_

"_I want a flag for my castle," he stated pointedly._

"_Make one," Itachi replied._

_Sasuke frowned and dropped his hands to his thighs. "But I think _you_ should make me one!" He added playfully, "You know, since I built the sandcastle all by myself…"_

_Itachi snorted again. He picked up a slim stick of driftwood and pinned a yellow leaf on the tip. "Happy?" he asked dryly._

"_Now you gotta' put it on the castle," Sasuke demanded with a wag of the finger._

_Itachi wordlessly did as he was told and affixed the flag at the pinnacle of the middle tower. He raised his eyebrows and stared at Sasuke, expecting something more._

_The little Uchiha, who could not contain his excitement, launched himself at his brother and knocked him into the sand in a smothering bear-hug._

----

"Hey Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't we bring anything to swim in?"

Naruto blinked. Swim-trunks. Wasn't that the odd and out-of-place question? Of course, Naruto knew the real answer, and that was that he wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini. Then there was the answer he'd give to Sasuke.

"Dunno. Mom and I never swam, so I guess I didn't think about it."

"Hm," hummed Sasuke.

Naruto looked over at the dark-haired Uchiha boy. He was still leaning up against the tree trunk, hands by his sides, staring at nothing. Probably lost in thought over his brother or something.

Naruto needed to find a way to lure him back into the present. He needed something spontaneous. Something fun.

…

He could think up messages for his answering machine on his phone. Sasuke was pretty good at that. Naruto giggled the first time he heard Sasuke's message.

"Hey Teme?" he squeaked.

"Hm?" Sasuke gazed at him. Naruto clapped his hands together mischievously. "Wanna' think up a message for my phone? You know, for when I'm either gone, lazy, asleep, yadda yadda?"

Sasuke gave him a peculiar look.

"Your message makes me laugh," Naruto pointed out.

"It's supposed to scare people away," Sasuke growled.

"Oops," said Naruto.

Sasuke sighed. "I don't know. I can't think of anything off the top of my head. Make one yourself." Naruto frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. "But I think _you_ should make me one," he reprimanded.

Sasuke gave him a look.

Naruto tilted his head at him. He didn't like that look at all. It was Sasuke's more ambiguous version of the deer-in-headlights look.

Naruto eyed him carefully. "You know, since I set the phone up all by myself…"

"You have got to be shitting me," Sasuke whispered, his face as pale as a ghost's.

"What?" Naruto asked worriedly.

"Nothing," mumbled Sasuke, "I'll help you."

Naruto grinned and punched the air with his fist. "Awright!" he rejoiced. This would be a good way to keep Sasuke conscious. "I want something funny!" he demanded.

"And by 'funny,' you mean my attempt at being intimidating, don't you?"

"Totally."

"I should beat the shit out of you."

"You don't wanna' do that."

"How do you know?"

"'Cuz if you beat me up, you would have wasted all your money on a phone you won't use."

"I'll use it."

"Bastard."

"It takes one to know one."

"You're on fire tonight, you know that?"

"Yeah. Sure."

And Naruto hugged him. "You're so honest," he purred.

"Oh, you think so?" threatened Sasuke.

"Sarcastic too. I love it," Naruto giggled.

"One can't logically be honest and sarcastic at the same time, you know," Sasuke pointed out cynically.

"You make it happen," said Naruto.

"We're getting nowhere," Sasuke informed him.

The blonde looked up into his eyes. "Oh?"

"Yeah."

"So think of something faux-intimidating for me."

"Not without your help."

"Fine!" Naruto thought, and thought, and thought. He didn't come up with anything. Of course, that may have been due to the fact that he only persisted in his thinking for four seconds. Satisfied, he made it known that he had no ideas and he needed assistance.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "How about this? 'I don't know how you got this number, now hang up.'"

"Bland."

"You gave me five seconds, Naruto."

"So?"

"You're hopeless."

"Yeah? Well so're you!" Naruto retorted lamely.

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful, and Naruto liked it that way. He sat in the shadow of the tree and listened to the waves on the shore and the occasional comment from Sasuke. It was a change from his normal lifestyle, but it was a welcome one.

Things in general had been hectic lately, what, with his mother and all.

Naruto appreciated the silence.

For about fifteen minutes.

A red compact car had just come screaming around the curb, only to come skidding and screeching to a stop right next to the boardwalk a few feet from the tree. Naruto and Sasuke both squinted queerly at it for a second or two.

It was Kyuubi.

"Helloooo!" she waved cheerily as she rolled down the window. Then, she hopped out the driver's side door with a smile on her face and fished around for something in the trunk.

Naruto and Sasuke both gave each other skeptical looks.

Kyuubi closed the trunk with a metallic clack and hummed to herself as she removed her sunglasses, took off her straw hat, and messed with the back bumper of the car.

"What the hell is she doing?" Sasuke hissed under his breath. Naruto looked over at him, not having a clue, and shrugged his shoulders.

"We're leaving early. I have a surprise meeting with my girlfriends at six thirty, so I came to get you. That okay?" she said with her smile in place.

"Um… what are you doing?" Naruto asked warily.

Kyuubi's head popped back into view. "I'm redecorating. Gotta' look good in my car, sweetie."

"Redecorating?" Naruto snorted, "like how?"

"I'm putting some bumper stickers on. A friend of mine loves bumper stickers. Thought I'd make her laugh," Kyuubi giggled.

And then she proceeded to open the trunk once more. She withdrew, much to Naruto's surprise and confusion, four whitewall tires and a can of paint. "Uh, mom?" Naruto hefted himself off the ground and approached his mother.

"Yep?" she replied.

"What are you doing now?"

"My tires are all worn out. I'm changing them!" she chirped perkily. Sure enough, she removed one back tire and speedily replaced it with a brand new whitewall tire. Kyuubi repeated this process three more times, then opened the can of paint and produced a brush and a roll of paper tape from the pockets in her sweater.

Naruto wrinkled his nose. "What are you doing _now_?"

Kyuubi's grin widened sweetly. "Why, Naruto, I'm painting my car."

----

What the fuck was going on?

Naruto's mom had since dragged the old tires into an alley, stacked them in a neat pile, and then proceeded to outline the windows and edges of the top of her car with tape. She had enlisted the help of her daughter and Sasuke, himself, to paint the car. "Just the top," she said with a smile that was _way _too sweet for her current situation.

"'Kay!" said Naruto obediently. The three of them had set to work immediately.

"So how's your day?" she asked the little blonde.

"Great! Sasuke got me a phone!"

She blinked. "You're _kidding_!" Kyuubi glanced over at Sasuke, astonished, and then proceeded to tell him that he was too nice for his own good.

Yeah?

Well she was acting too nice for her own good.

Kyuubi took a step back to admire their handiwork. She gave them both pats on the back with the hand that hadn't touched the paint. "In the car, you two. Didn't forget anything, did you?"

"Nope," said Naruto as she slammed the door. Sasuke said likewise.

Kyuubi made a show of turning the key in the ignition, and then forgetting something herself. "Hang on," she said, looking back at the two people in the seats behind her. Sasuke gave Naruto the eye as her mother left the car once again.

"I don't know what she's doing," Naruto mumbled under her breath.

"Neither do I," Sasuke consoled.

She was walking into the alley. Did she want her old tires back, Sasuke wondered? Maybe.

He was completely unprepared for what happened next.

Kyuubi came walking back out of the alley, like this happened all the time, carrying a garbage bag full of dirt. She shook it out all over the tires, careful not to get any on the wet white paint on the top of the car. She smudged the dirt into the pearly white of the tires, scratched the surface of the rubber shallowly with a rock, and then wiped her hands off on her skirt and got back into the car.

All in all, the operation on the car had taken a total of a half hour

She jerked the key in the ignition and the car spluttered to life. It surged forward in a jolt of force and sped down the road at about thirty miles per hour above the speed limit.

Something was happening. Something was wrong. Sasuke looked over his shoulder to see if Kyuubi might have been running from something. Naruto got the idea too, as she peered into the cloud of dust in the car's tracks..

"Why so fast, mom?" she asked darkly.

"I'm letting the paint dry, Naruto."

Neither Sasuke nor Naruto made any comment about it for the rest of the night.

----

Chibi Naruto: Zomg.

Chibi Gaara: And the plot thickens AGAIN.

Chibi Neji: Much more of this and we won't be able to MOVE.

Me: Mmmm… Starchy, creamy, soupy plot goodness. Filling, delicious, and leaves you begging for more! Mwaha!

Chibi Gaara: But she's putting words into your mouths. Voice your opinion!

Me: Yes!

Chibi Sasuke: No! This can NOT continue! This is bad! Bad plot.

Chibi Naruto: Aww, Sasuke, It's not that bad.

Chibi Sasuke: You've got to be shitting me. You're as bad as your mom.

Chibi Kyuubi: Hm?

Chibi Naruto: Nothing!

Me: Yes, well, review for cookies! Tell me what you think. Anything at all! If you're thinking about me being a powdered doughnut with colored sprinkles, tell me. I'd love to know!

Chibi Gaara: Too right. Review, review, review!


	20. 20: Lovely weather

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer:** Yes!

Me: Omgooglies. Twenty chapters.

Chibi Sakura: She's been writing for how long? And the story has only passed into the middle of OCTOBER.

Chibi Gaara: Shut up. Good stories always start slow.

Me: Yeah! And guess what? I've finally decided I'd start spelling shit right.

Chibi Naruto: She was originally going to go down with the ship, but she said 'hey, I get tons of reviews saying it's heroin, not heroine.' So finally she resolved herself to spell it right.

Me: Better late than never, huh?

Chibi Sasuke: Go throw yourself off a cliff.

Chibi Naruto: That wasn't very nice.

Chibi Sasuke: I'm not a very nice person.

Chibi Gaara: Anyway, enjoy a new chapter! New spelling, happiness, sappiness, and suspense abound.

Chibi Naruto: Yaaaaay.

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 20**

"This is your last chance, Sasuke!" Orochimaru's voice scratched through the speaker. The Uchiha lounged on his couch, drinking a margarita and not caring a whit. "I told you, Orochimaru, I'm not leaving."

His guardian was once again attempting to persuade the Uchiha to leave town with him. Sasuke would have nothing to do with him. He had clearly made that known the last six times Orochimaru called him that night. Or at least he thought he had. The Uchiha grimaced and took another sip of his margarita.

The snake hissed. "I suppose I have no choice." Sasuke took that to mean Orochimaru was about to pull the ace out of his sleeve. He braced himself.

"You see," yep, this was it, "say you lost me, the _boss_, the_ owner_ of your father's corporation… If you did, you might find yourself losing your connection to _my_ business."

"You mean my business," Sasuke corrected hotly.

Orochimaru's slippery smile shown through in his voice. "No, Sasuke, my business. I control where that money goes. If you were to break away from me, you could find yourself wanting."

Shit.

Shit shit shit!

Oro-yarou was right. Sasuke knew how easily he could manipulate anyone or anything he pleased. Sure, Fugaku had left him with a ton of money, but Orochimaru could take it all away. He was the dictator of Konoha. Not just Konoha, but the Sound too. Everything.

Everything but the Mist.

Then again, no one could control that district.

"You wouldn't," Sasuke growled menacingly, cracking the martini glass in his grip.

"I would," Orochimaru stated simply and expertly.

Sasuke did not want to lose his money. He'd lose everything! His apartment! His bed! His fridge! His past! However, he also did NOT want to go with Orochimaru. With no one else around, who knew what that lust-leech would do?

Sasuke's toes curled.

"What do you want from me, Orochimaru?" Sasuke growled, expecting the answer to be saturated in perversion.

"Oh, I don't want anything from you Sasuke," Orochimaru took a relaxed breath, "I want _you_."

The Uchiha's hair stood on end and he snarled.

"Oh get bent. You don't have to be so bitter about it, Sasuke-chan."

Oh, that did it.

"How _dare _you call me that!" he leapt up out of his chair, enraged, crushing a cocktail of glass shards, alcohol, and blood into the palm of his hand. "How dare you address me on such friendly terms!" he was very aware that he was screaming into the phone like a pharaoh, but he didn't care. Sasuke was angry. When he was angry, nothing else mattered.

Being the ball of rage that he was over the disrespect he was at the receiving end of, Sasuke had temporarily lost his mind. He decided that Orochimaru and his money could go to hell. "For that, you can leave! Get the fuck out of my city, and take my dad's fucking money with you!"

There was a loud clattering noise in the apartment of Uchiha Sasuke, followed by a series of angry growls and screams. The single occupant of this penthouse was about as mad as a badgered bull with a red flag tied to its face.

Sasuke was very upset.

He sat back down on the couch, burying his head in his hands and not caring that they were covered in blood; not caring about the massive amount of red dripping on the priceless leather cushions on his precious leather couch. From that night on, Sasuke was certain he would have no more money. No more apartment. No more bed. No more fridge.

No more bloody balcony to haunt his dreams at night.

Sasuke sighed shakily, wandering to his bedroom and fumbling in his dresser for his syringe and his heroin. He jammed the needle into his arm.

Sasuke needed to relax. He really, really, really needed to relax. Looking down at his hand, though, and the trail of blood droplets it had left behind, reminded Sasuke that he could not relax until he had bandaged himself up. He got up, fell, and then tried again. He stumbled into his bathroom, shaking madly, shuffled around in a drawer, and withdrew a roll of gauze. He unraveled it as he wrapped it around his palm. He didn't bother to clean his hand first as he should have. He was too… out, for lack of a better word.

How could this have happened?

He just threw all of his money away.

All of it.

Every last cent.

But if he hadn't…

Orochimaru was a despicable person. Sasuke wouldn't let himself be used. He wouldn't.

Still, if he absolutely had to, he could stay with Naruto and her mom. Yes… that was a plus side. He couldn't get out of living with Orochimaru if he chose to stay with him, but he could fix his problem of having no money and nowhere to live. He could invest all the money he currently had. It would be secure. He'd have to do something about his addiction, but hell. He could move in with Naruto. He'd bring his car, too.

Then again, who knew what Kyuubi would do with his car.

Speaking of cars…

When he visited Naruto at her house last, the car was displayed out front, shiny paint and all.

With new license plates.

Sasuke found that to be particularly alarming.

Everything right now was particularly alarming.

Sasuke decided to take a gander out to his balcony for a breath of fresh air. He leaned over the banister, gazing down at the cars on the street below, and sighed. His heroin was acting, quickly, he might add, but hardly quickly enough.

He closed his aching eyes and his body went lax against the railing. He coughed. Sasuke was dog-tired. It was two in the morning, Orochimaru hadn't let him sleep, and he was stressed to his breaking point.

Life couldn't possibly have gotten any worse.

Something hit the side of the building and landed on the balcony. Sasuke straightened instantly and wheeled around. There, on the tile, was a rock.

A rock.

Great. Now people were trying to break his windows. How high was he off the ground again? How hard did they have to throw that rock to get it up there?

Something else clattered off the wall. Anger and curiosity piqued, he peered accusingly over the side of the balcony and into the neon street.

Two pebbles clattered off the wall.

"Alright!" Sasuke yelled, throwing the upper half of his body over the banister. He'd had it. His nerves had been bent, burnt, stretched, and twisted until they broke.

Snapped.

A rock nailed the far side of the balcony. The one looking into the alley. Sasuke stalked over to that side, fuming and cursing all the way. He practically clawed at the railing, eyes scanning the ground for the culprit. No sooner had his eyes roved the landscape than they stopped.

There was something painted in blue below a pair of flickering lights on the fire-escape of the building next to his. Sasuke leaned in and squinted.

LOOK BEHIND YOU.

That's what it said.

Okay.

He couldn't say it was common to look out one's balcony and see a message addressed to oneself. Now Sasuke was freaked out.

He turned around skeptically and cautiously. He noticed that there was something sitting on the doormat. A piece of paper attached to a rock. Sasuke found it strange and abnormal that it hadn't been there when he walked out.

Half expecting it to bite him or explode in his face, he picked it up gingerly between his fingers and stumbled into his porch light. He unwound the rubber band that held the note to the rock. Glancing around warily one last time, he rubbed the wrinkles out of the note and held it where he could see it.

_2400 10 28_

Sasuke squinted.

The hell was this?

A lottery number?

Disheartened and confused, he flipped the paper over. He was about to crumple it up when he noticed that something else was penciled on the back. He held the note to the light again.

_A little fish once told me_

_That weasels eat snakes_

Sasuke, not wanting to think anymore about it, tore the note in half.

----

Naruto slurped his ramen. Sasuke did likewise. The little blonde glanced at his boyfriend in wonder. He imagined that the pair of them looked more like drinking buddies than friends. What, with Sasuke's solemn, severe expression and all. And his bandaged arm. Where had that come from anyway?

"Hey Sasuke?"

"Hm?" hummed the Uchiha uninterestedly.

"Whatcha' thinkin' about?"

Sasuke cast him a sidelong glance, a noodle dangling from his lips. He slurped it up and didn't say anything.

"Yeah, what's eating you?" Asked Gaara derisively. The redheaded midget and his Asian friend still bothered them at lunch. Naruto quite enjoyed their company. "You want to tell us what's wrong?"

Sasuke sighed at them. He blinked blearily several times as if he were turning the idea over in his mind. "I suppose," he said like it was no big deal. Naruto cocked his head. "So what's on your mind, Mister Moody?"

"Actually, Naruto," he suddenly seemed very tired, "I wanted to ask you a question."

"Ohmygodyou'renotproposingtomeareyou?" rambled Naruto.

Sasuke gave him a look.

"Ohthankgod," he breathed.

"Actually, I was going to ask, were something to happen to my money and my apartment…" Sasuke seemed in pain to mention the loss of his beloved money. Naruto wondered what he could be so uptight about. "If something were to happen, Naruto," Sasuke breathed, "could I move in with you?"

Naruto felt an extremely strange, harsh, scraping pain in his jaw, then realized that it had just hit the floor. Sasuke wanted to move in with him? Holy shit. Wow. Naruto wanted to cheer, but…

This was bad.

Naruto didn't have enough rooms in his house. Knowing Kyuubi and the Couch Which ate Human Flesh, Sasuke would not be staying in the living room. No sirree. Sasuke would be staying in Naruto's room.

In his bed.

_Sleeping_ with him.

Oh bad.

Bad.

But… Aw! He wanted to snuggle with the squishy little Uchiha boy! Too bad Naruto wasn't a girl and Mr. Ducky wasn't gay!

"Er…" Naruto said, having a thought, "Why?"

Sasuke groaned and buried his face in his palms. Naruto peered at him, concerned. "My guardian is being a jackass," said Sasuke.

"No kidding?" Naruto asked indirectly.

Sasuke dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. Naruto knew he wasn't meant to have heard what the Uchiha said next, but he heard it just the same.

"Fucking Orochimaru…"

The little blonde Uzumaki blinked. "Orochimaru?" he repeated more slowly. Sasuke eyed him suspiciously, then said, "Yeah, you know him?"

"Well, I… uh… kinda' delivered a box to him once."

Sasuke pinwheeled around as fast as a lightning bolt and glared him straight in the eye. "A box?"

"Er, yeah…" he glanced back at Gaara and Neji for answers, but the both of them were too busy leering at Sasuke from the corners of their eyes to notice. Naruto frowned. "Tsunade made me deliver packages for her as punishment for harassing Iruka," he stated, looking back at Sasuke. "One of them was for a guy named Orochimaru. Had a freakin' big house too."

Sasuke seemed more interested in the box than the story. "Who'd you give it to?"

"Some dude named Kabuto I think. He had white hair and glasses."

Sasuke thought fiercely for a moment, then asked urgently, "What did the box look like?"

"It was little and black," Naruto mentioned with a finger on his nose, "and it was made of wood. It had some red mark on it. I think it was a cloud."

Sasuke was really quiet, and it was scaring him. Naruto shuffled on the pavement. "Anyway," he rambled, trying to shove out the oppressive atmosphere, "I guess if he's bothering you that much, mom would let you stay at my house."

Sasuke seemed agitated. Naruto wrung his hands on his skirt and glanced at Gaara again. "You do know that, if you let him stay at your house, your mom is going to practically betroth the two of you, don't you?" the redhead warned.

Naruto sighed, "Pretty much." Then he swung an arm around Sasuke and grinned, "But this is Ducky we're talking about! I'd looooove to have you stay with me!" Naruto added the last part in an effort to lighten Sasuke's mood.

It seemed to be working. The Uchiha offered a weak smirk, like he absolutely _knew_ women and men alike would kill to be in Naruto's place. The blonde made a face and stuck his tongue out at him.

"Thanks, Dobe."

"You're welcome, Teme."

And it started to rain.

Gaara muttered something about timing and pulled the lapels of his trench coat around his neck. Neji followed, stretching his legs, taking Gaara's arm, and waltzing away with him like a perfect gentleman. Meanwhile, Sasuke had taken it upon himself to wish death upon everyone he knew.

Alphabetically.

Naruto cheerfully threw his ramen in the closest garbage can and skipped ahead to the crosswalk. Sasuke followed a bit too far behind. Naruto noticed his lagging and raised an eyebrow. He was paler than usual and his eyes weren't their usual Uchiha black. They were dusty. Translucent.

Clouded.

Naruto didn't like it.

Sasuke seemed well enough when the four of them visited Hinata. Now, though, he seemed… out of it, for lack of a better phrase. Naruto suspected the rain and the resurfacing of stress to be contributors to Sasuke's sudden change in health.

Hmmm…

Sasuke caught up to him, short-winded, but as moody and Sasuke-esque as ever.

At least he wasn't dying.

----

Sasuke felt like death. His bones hurt, his arms ached, and his lungs felt as if they were coated with lead. He coughed more than once in art class, earning him more than one bothered look from Naruto. He could tell the blonde was worried about him again.

She was constantly peering up at him from her artwork, making sure he hadn't had some sort of freak seizure and collapsed while she wasn't looking. Sasuke endeavored to convince her three times that he was in no immediate danger, but she wouldn't have it. Sasuke was ill and Naruto knew it.

"You should go home," the blonde warned him. Then she thought about it a while and decided that he needed a ride. She recollected the fact that Kisame, the scary, shark-man was the only person available to take Sasuke home. She also remembered that the last place Sasuke wanted to be was home.

The Uchiha applauded her listening skills.

"I could call my mom after school and she could pick us up," Naruto concluded, "You wanna' stay at my house for dinner?"

The offer was painstakingly analyzed before being unwillingly accepted. Sasuke didn't want to trouble Naruto more than he already had. He did, after all, beg to stay at her house. However, if he was going to stay with her, he needed to become better acquainted with her mother.

Nasty.

That thought alone wasn't enough to persuade him to follow Naruto home, though. Kyuubi might have been a dirty whore, but maybe she could cook. His Chinese food was getting bland.

Naruto smiled a sunny smile at him, radiating happiness. She was content with being able to take care of him.

The two of them walked side by side to health class, Gaara trailing behind like a great, red-crested hawk. Sasuke didn't get him. He and Neji were getting harder and harder to understand. At Neji's cousin's house, the two of them had strongly disapproved of his telling Naruto about the sequence of events that had unfolded at Orochimaru's mansion. During the course of his lunch hour, he'd figured out why.

The explosion had been her doing.

She delivered the letter bomb in a black box. She had no idea who Orochimaru was. Naruto hadn't an inkling of an idea that she could've been killed.

She could have been killed.

If she had opened that box… If she'd been so curious, she would have blown herself to smithereens. Who, in their right mind, would give such a nitwit a vessel of terrorism? Who indeed?

The principal.

Fucking Tsunade-baa-san.

Sasuke knew she liked to play with unsuspecting students, but this was out of line. If anyone of legal importance knew about this, she could be locked up forever. Maybe he and Naruto needed to have a talk with her.

"Ho-kay," Kakashi drawled out as sardonically and tastelessly as he could as soon as class started, "first thing's first."

Sasuke dreaded this 'first thing' of which Kakashi spoke.

"I've thought about it for a while and I've decided. It's going to get really cold outside really soon. October's almost over. Winter's coming, the days are shortening…"

A long, awkward, and completely useless silence ensued. Naruto looked at Sasuke. Gaara tapped his fingernails on his desk and Ino snored.

Sakura whistled.

"Freebird!" yelled Neji.

Sasuke coughed.

"Anyway," Kakashi monologued, "I've decided that you're running the mile next Wednesday."

A collective groan of anguish rose throughout the room.

Quite satisfied with himself, Kakashi wrote the assignment on his whiteboard and proceeded to whip out his favorite novel from nowhere in particular and read it.

Sasuke was floored. There was no point in trying to run. In Sasuke's condition, he doubted his ability to do so. If his legs didn't give out first, he'd cough his own lungs up halfway through the mile. Naruto, with her impeccable powers of empathy, looked over at him and squeaked. Sasuke offered her a weak smile and a halfhearted thumbs up.

Which did nothing to improve the mood, by the way.

Iruka's class followed quite uneventfully. Perhaps the reason it was uneventful was that Sasuke was flirting with unconsciousness half the time. The bell rang, the students left, and Naruto was jabbering on her cell-phone to her mother.

"Are you kidding me?" the blonde ranted, "Your car's fine! You can pick us up, you dimwit- No, I will NEVER eat your pancake again. Fine, waffle! I will never eat your fucking WAFFLE again!" A pause, "No! Come and get us! It's rainy outside! Pleeeaaase? Pretty pretty please? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? You do _too_ like cherries! Stop it! Come on, mom! Sasuke has a cold."

The Uchiha smacked her.

"Okay," Naruto's severe expression blinked into a grin, "Bye mom." She flipped the phone shut and beamed at Sasuke, "She'll be here in twenty minutes."

----

Twenty minutes later, the rain was nowhere to be found.

Along with Kyuubi.

Kyuubi and the rain were off doing God knew what in some forsaken hotel room in God knew where.

"I don't see your mom anywhere," remarked Sasuke.

"I know!" growled Naruto.

"She's late."

"She's such a dinosaur!"

Sasuke furrowed his brow and stared at him. He persisted in his silence, though, and said not a word. Naruto leered at him from the corner of his eye. Sasuke looked tired. He was spent and worn out. He shivered spasmodically and rubbed the arm-warmers on his wrists together.

Sasuke was sick again.

Maybe his was the sort of illness that got better, went away for a while and came back twice as bad. Naruto knitted his eyebrows together and considered the idea. Or perhaps Sasuke never recovered at all. Perhaps he'd been sick his whole life. Even when he seemed happier and healthier, his disease was festering inside of him, only growing and spreading over time. Maybe this was the sickness of Sasuke's life. A sickness of the soul. He'd been deprived of family, friends, attention, and overall enjoyment of life. He sat in his apartment with his blinds pulled, backed into a corner and as far away from the sun as he could be.

That was Sasuke's problem. He never learned how to have fun.

"Hey Sasuke," Naruto perked up.

The Uchiha looked over at him disinterestedly. "What?"

"Mom's not coming. You wanna' walk home instead?"

Sasuke looked over at him like he was insane.

"Come on! You don't wanna' stay here all day, do you?"

Sasuke looked away, as if pondering the idea. Finally, he got up, stretched, hefted his backpack onto one shoulder, and said, "Let's go."

Naruto was happy to oblige. The two of them meandered through the damp lawn, onto the sidewalk, and away. The blonde fox skipped in circles around Sasuke, who was content to pretend he wasn't there. Naruto mentioned that he adored the smell of the rain on the grass. He was happy as a clam and as light as a feather. Sasuke spat back that his legs hurt, his arms itched, he had a headache, and the dampness and barometric pressure were doing quite a number on his lungs.

Naruto told him to look on the bright side of life.

Sasuke insisted that the dull side was easier on his eyes.

Two guys were walking down the same side of the street. Normally, this was a common occurrence. Sasuke, however, seemed rather intent on glaring at them. They seemed just as inclined to stare right back.

One had short, black hair and an insanely happy grin on his face. He giggled to the other one, who had conspicuously blonde hair in a ponytail and who pushed him off the sidewalk every time he broke into a laughing fit. Naruto recognized the one with the black hair.

…

…Where had he seen him again?

Naruto swore it was sometime recent.

Who was he?

Naruto and Sasuke both walked straight past them without conversation. The air was, however, awkwardly silent. Naruto held his breath. With any luck, those creepy guys wouldn't turn around and, like, knife him or something.

"You with the blonde hair, you dropped something, yeah."

Well, fuck.

Naruto turned around shyly. Sasuke stayed put. The blonde guy was holding something out in front of him.

It was Naruto's cell phone.

He clapped his hands together, selfish suspicion of the two men vaporizing instantly, and babbled to them both.

"That's my cell phone! If I lost it, I'd be in soooo much trouble! Thanks so much for picking it up for me!" he bounced up and down on the pavement. The other blonde grinned strangely, eyebrows still turned down and one corner of his lips higher than the other. "Try to be a little more careful next time, yeah."

The two pairs stood there for a while. The wind blew, Naruto smiled, and the other black-haired man tried to catch a leaf on the sidewalk. It was then that Naruto realized the man wasn't going to throw his phone at him. Without any caution whatsoever, he sauntered over to him. Sasuke flashed him an anxious look, but Naruto ignored it.

While Naruto was preoccupied with the safe retrieval of his phone, the black-haired one started raving. "Um, hey! You! Dude with the black hair! I mean, other than me, cuz' I have black hair too, but… well! You're kinda' quiet. Come to think of it, aren't you that Uchiha kid? Sas… Sa… Somethingorother?

Sasuke whirled around, looking not one bit like the sickly, pale person he had been a minute ago. "Do I know you?" he said in his most haughty of voices.

Ooh boy…

Ducky was pissed.

"Uh," the space cadet scratched his head, "No! But… er… I know you! Well, I don't really _know_ you, per se, but…" His head snapped back to the blonde guy with Naruto's cell phone and asked, "Can I start over again?"

"Yeah."

His gaze immediately snapped back to Sasuke, "Lovely weather we're having."

The blonde smacked his forehead against his hand and said, "Here, take it, yeah. We've taken up enough of your time, yeah." He slapped the phone unceremoniously into Naruto's hand. Without any ado whatsoever, he grabbed the rambling one's arm and yanked him away.

Naruto waltzed back to Sasuke, who was glaring strangely at him. He put his phone in his purse and glanced behind just in time to see the blonde smack the other man upside the head.

Naruto noted the frequency with which he used the word 'yeah.' Weird. It would be awfully annoying to have to talk to him for an hour. The other guy stuttered like Porky the Pig too. Jeez…

He walked onward. Sasuke followed close behind. When the Uchiha caught up with him, Naruto became bothered by the fact that he was being stared at. Finally, about a block later, Naruto turned and looked at him.

"What?" he asked indignantly.

"He gave you your phone back," Sasuke stated, puzzled.

The blonde fox quirked an eyebrow. Wasn't that a good thing? Sasuke bought the phone for him, so he should have been grateful that someone alerted him that it had dropped.

Naruto gave him the 'duh' glare and asked him why the man shouldn't have.

Sasuke glared in a way that made Naruto feel very stupid and inferior. "What?" he asked suspiciously.

"You mean you didn't notice?"

"Notice what?" Naruto whined.

"Naruto, you didn't drop your phone. Did you hear it drop?" Sasuke growled.

"Uh…" Naruto thought a moment, "No."

"You didn't drop your phone, Naruto," Sasuke stated coolly, "He pickpocketed it from you."

Naruto's jaw would have dropped, but instead he opted to scowl at the suspicious Uchiha. "I didn't feel anything. If he stole it from me, he would have bumped into me and said 'I'm sorry,'" Naruto added a "'yeah,'" for good measure, "or, 'Excuse me, yeah,' or, 'Watch where you're going, yeah,' or-"

'_Watch where you're going, yeah?'_

Naruto heard that somewhere before.

Just like he saw the black-haired dude somewhere before. Maybe… naw. It was his imagination. He was having a weird case of déjà vu.

----

Jesus Christ.

It was happening again.

Sasuke presented her with evidence, and Naruto turned him away. It was maddening! Why couldn't she believe him? Why couldn't she use her head more often? Why didn't she think that two oddly dressed men walking down the same sidewalk in the middle of nowhere was cause for suspicion?

Why?

"Listen, Naruto," Sasuke gritted his teeth, "You already admitted to not hearing your phone drop. You would've heard it clattering on the sidewalk if it had. Don't you find that weird?"

Her gigantic, ignorant blue eyes blinked up at him. "Well, yeah," she frowned, "but I would have felt something like a tug on my purse or a bump in the arm or something. Don't think I haven't gotten anything stolen from my purse before."

Sasuke sighed, exasperated, but lacking in energy to pursue the argument any further. He dropped it right then and there.

Of course, Naruto was more than happy to notice he'd dropped something and gladly picked it back up for him.

"Teme. You don't have a comeback for that one, do you?" she taunted. When Sasuke made no comment on the matter, she gloated. "Ha! Knew it. You can't be suspicious about everyone all the time."

"Oh?" Sasuke hissed, wheeling around on his heels, "And I suppose my suspicion of your _mother_ is an exception to that rule?"

Naruto blinked, silent.

"I gave you evidence. I gave you evidence when your mother wasn't acting in your best interest. You didn't believe me, did you? Now you do." Sasuke paused for a gasp of air, becoming slightly crazed in his ranting, "You do believe me, don't you? Or do I have to explain everything over again? Your phone never made a sound. That blonde guy walked right past you. He was _awfully_ friendly to you. And his friend was a little too friendly to me. Don't you find that odd? Don't you think so? Even the slightest bit? Don't you? _Don't you?_"

Naruto blinked at him again with her impossibly large, impossibly innocent eyes. She took a deep breath and, when she found nothing useful to do with it, she released it. A breeze blew through and still, she said nothing.

Well, shit.

Sasuke just had to dig up an elephant graveyard of unwanted thoughts, didn't he? Now she wasn't going to talk to him for years. Just when the clouds started to clear up and the puddles started to dry, Sasuke had to go and make it rain again.

He had to work with her, but how could he work with her when she… just… didn't see things his way? It was impossible!

Both Sasuke and Naruto had come over on different boats, but they were now on the same ship.

A Relationship.

And it was taking on water.

Fast.

Just when Sasuke was about to walk off, the sun came out from behind the clouds. Naruto smiled brilliantly. Sasuke, wondering what the hell could be going on now, glared skeptically at her and waited. "We're fighting again," she laughed nervously. Surprised, Sasuke smartly said, "Yeah."

"Well," Naruto chirped jovially, "that's a good sign."

Sasuke scowled at her. "What part of 'we're fighting again' is a good sign?"

Naruto's grin broadened, "The 'again' part."

The Uchiha glared skeptically at her. What was she getting at? Was this how women thought? Fights were good?

The little blonde, noticing his confusion, put him out of his misery. "We've already survived one big fight. Another argument is like another trophy to hang on the wall when we're done with it, right?"

Sasuke looked at her funny. What was this? Some sort of trap? Another trick women liked to play? If women were this screwy, he wanted no part in it.

Naruto was going to make him gay.

"Sasuke," Naruto deadpanned, her unraveling flower barrette blowing in the wind, "work with me here." The addressed made it known that he had no idea what she was getting at and wouldn't participate in the matter unless she made her motives known. To this, Naruto replied that she was trying to lighten the mood and apologize for being a Dobe, but would endeavor no further if Sasuke persisted in being a mistrustful and stubborn bore.

Ah.

"Teme," said Naruto dryly.

"Mm," Sasuke agreed.

She skipped over to him, saying, "But why would he give it back to me if he, like, ninja-pickpocket-no-jutsued it out of my purse?" Sasuke chuckled at her choice of words. Mood improved slightly, he resigned himself to think about it. "I don't know," he said, "He could have sold that phone for a lot of money. Maybe he thought he grabbed your wallet. Then, when he saw it was your phone, he gave it back because he didn't want to waste his time erasing its memory." Sasuke paused, "But I don't think that's it."

"Well?" Naruto mumbled impatiently, twiddling her thumbs.

"I have no idea," Sasuke admitted defeat.

They walked side by side in puzzled silence for a block more. Sasuke looked back at Naruto only to see her chewing on her thumb and twirling a strand of hair in her fingers. She was thinking about something.

She was _thinking_ about something.

Thinking.

Wow.

Sasuke was shocked.

"Y'know," she began slowly, "I think I saw them before." Sasuke listened in as she elaborated. "Well, I guess I know I've seen one of them. That black-haired guy. Dunno where I saw him, though. I think I was downtown somewhere."

This was interesting. Naruto saw one of them before? He wondered how.

"Do you remember anything else?" he asked, genuinely interested. Naruto made a face and tapped on her skull with one finger. "No," she puzzled. "I know it was somewhere downtown. I know it was! There's something else too…"

"Yeah?" Sasuke leaned in.

"I got bumped by some dude once and he said something funny."

"That's very vague, Naruto."

"Shut up, Teme."

Sasuke sighed, "What did he say?"

"He said 'Watch where you're going,' and then he said 'yeah.' That other guy said 'yeah' a bunch too."

Sasuke turned the information over in his head. So Naruto had seen or heard these people before? Where? And how did she know? There were a lot of people in town with short, black hair and there were a lot of blondes.

Sasuke, however, did not know a single one who bothered to add 'yeah' at the end of every sentence.

Since these two men seemed to be friends, well, maybe not friends, but… Anyway, they traveled together. Maybe Naruto bumped into them on the same day. Now _that_ was suspicious. She also mentioned something about literally running into one of them.

The guy who said 'yeah.'

The pickpocket.

She ran into a pickpocket.

…

"Naruto?" Sasuke said suddenly, turning around and looking her in the eye. Naruto tilted her head and asked him, "What?"

"Where were you when he ran into you? The blonde guy?"

Naruto rolled her eyes upward and drawled out a nostalgic "Hmmm…" She pondered the question for a moment more, then said, "I was downtown."

"Do you think it was the same day you ran into the other guy?"

"Well… yes. Yeah! I remember now!" She exclaimed, too overjoyed to be appropriate given the situation, "I was shopping with my mom!"

"Shopping?" Sasuke took that into consideration. If she was shopping, she was bound to have her purse with her.

Wait…

She had her purse with her when Kisame picked them up to go to the movies. That was forever ago. Sasuke looked down at Naruto's purse. It was a purplish-pink color with a green frog on it. He distinctly remembered it being a different color and size. It was new.

Ah.

Yes.

In the ticket line on their date to the theatre, she said something about losing her old one.

In Kisame's car.

…

Well, fuck.

----

"Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you're in trouble."

Naruto looked over to his side quizzically in response to Sasuke's grave voice. In trouble? How? "Saaaasukeeee! Teme! Why?" he whined indignantly, not understanding how or why he could have reached that conclusion.

"You left your old purse in Kisame's car, right?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto thought for a moment. "When?" he asked finally when nothing came to mind.

"Remember when we went to the movies and you acted like I'd beaten you with a stick or something?" Sasuke recited flatly. Naruto laughed. "Uh, yeah, that. I left it in his car. Why do you ask?"

"Was there anything important in your purse?" he asked somewhat urgently. That was scary. _Somewhat_ urgently meant that Sasuke was dying to know, but he didn't want Naruto to know he was dying to know.

"Nothing but my wallet and a pack of gum," he said cautiously.

"And what was in your wallet?" asked Sasuke nicely.

"Er… money, a movie rental card, and I think that was it."

"Did this movie rental card happen to have your picture, name, address, and phone number on it?"

"My picture and my name. That was it though."

"First and last?"

"Yep."

"Fuck," said Sasuke.

"Whaaaat?" Naruto whined, stamping his feet on the pavement. Sasuke looked at him funny. Wait… Kisame couldn't have been some sort of evil-ninja-gangster with superpowers who was out to get him.

…Could he?

So Naruto spoke his mind.

"He's not an evil-ninja-gangster with superpowers who's out to get me, is he?"

Sasuke sighed in exasperation. "The 'evil' and 'gangster' parts you got right I think," he growled, "but I don't know why he would be after you."

"I'm just a helpless little kid! Why would he be after me?" Naruto squeaked in his cutest, most innocent voice, "And what does this have to do with Porky Pig and Mr. Yeah?"

"Naruto," Sasuke deadpanned, "Are you the sort of person who puts her own phone number and address in her contacts list?"

Naruto eyed him suspiciously. "I've got them both saved on my phone."

"Fuck," said Sasuke.

"Teme! What's wrong?" Naruto squealed indignantly, leaping up and down and flailing his arms in the air. The Uchiha cast him an unreadable look and mentioned that both his phone number and address weren't in the phone book. Naruto asked why anyone would need them. Sasuke replied that he wasn't sure.

Naruto knew very well that he was perfectly sure.

He made his thoughts known.

Sasuke turned around, looking him straight in the eye. The two of them were both on Naruto's lawn, but neither of them were apt to go any further. The Uchiha sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"I don't know, Naruto. I really don't know."

----

Sasuke had a reason to suspect that _something _was definitely going on. He was also beginning to suspect that Naruto's house was no longer a safe place for him to retreat to. For some reason, these people wanted to know exactly who Naruto was and where she lived.

Sasuke was sure of it.

What he was not sure of was who these people were or what they wanted to accomplish.

In other news, Kyuubi's car was not in the driveway. The lights were out, and the house looked completely, wholly, and utterly dead. Wordlessly, Naruto withdrew a key from her backpack and led Sasuke into the back yard. The Uchiha hadn't seen the yard before, and he had no idea what to expect.

What did Kyuubi have buried here?

What sort of dead, rotting secrets, hidden far, far out of view, were there in this house of hers?

The yard was green. That was sure. Sasuke recognized it to be the disgusting, deep, thick color of green grass turned when there were too many nutrients in the topsoil. A small, ordinary-looking bird bath sat in a corner. Said bird bath was the only accent to this yard. Other than that, it was the sickest-looking green and the flattest flat Sasuke had ever seen. With no sound other than the squishing of grass beneath their shoes, Naruto and Sasuke walked down the cinderblock steps to Naruto's back door and unlocked it.

"Your back door leads to the basement?" Sasuke commented fruitlessly.

"Yep," said Naruto tiredly. As they wandered down the hall, she mentioned, "It originally led to my mom's room, but my dad changed it. He wanted me to sleep in the basement since it was cooler, so he took the back door out of the first floor and put it in the basement. Mom said he wanted me to have a way out in case the house caught on fire or something."

"So why don't you sleep in the basement?" Sasuke asked, tired.

His mood prompted him to think along the lines of 'because there are closets packed to the ceiling with skeletons in this basement.' What he was not prepared for, however, was a confirmation of his thought process.

"Because there are _ghosts_ down here."

Sasuke gave Naruto _such_ a look. He was sure his eyes must have been the size of dinner plates. To his shock, disdain, and relief, the little blonde started laughing at him. "Ghosts," she laughed, falling against the wall, "Don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts!"

Sasuke fluffed himself up righteously. Did she have any idea what was going on today? There were strange people, Kisame included, who were hell-bent on finding a way into her house! Sasuke didn't know why! This made him very anxious! This was NOT a laughing matter!

"Oh lighten up!" Naruto giggled, slapping Sasuke heartily on the back.

"Lighten up?" Now Sasuke was angry. "We are in the middle of a life-threatening situation here!" he harped, "There are people who want to _find_ you! You don't understand why! You are in _danger_, Naruto!"

"I know that, Sasuke."

The Uchiha was about to elaborate, but he stuttered instead. She just sounded about twenty years over her age. No giggling. No squeaky voice. Nothing. Just flat-out 'I know that, Sasuke.'

It was scary.

She started walking down the hall again. "I've been thinking about it and I know there are people looking for me. You've made that perfectly clear." She spun around mid-step and said, "What am I going to do about it? Call the police?" She giggled like she didn't have a care in the world, "What police, Sasuke? Who in the world is going to help me?"

Sasuke drew in a breath, and then released it when he had nothing remotely helpful to say.

"Guess what!" she beamed, dramatically extending her arms, "The sun's still here! The sky is bright! It's a nice day outside! Sasuke, I. Am. Still. Alive."

Sasuke couldn't believe his ears. This was very un-Naruto. She should have been running around like a chicken with her head cut off, floundering for words and wondering what to do about her situation. That was how she should have been acting! He shook his head, "Things might change! Naruto, what if someone wants to _kill_ you? Do you have any idea how serious this is?"

Naruto sighed, flashing Sasuke a weak smile. "You see this?" she asked, pulling on the sides of her grinning lips with her fingers, "This is what I do when I'm scared."

Sasuke frowned.

"You want to know why I don't sleep in this basement?" she asked, silly smile still plastered on her face. Sasuke waited for a while before realizing it wasn't a rhetorical question. "Yes," he announced flatly, arms across his chest, "I'd love to know."

"It's 'cuz it's dark. I like nice, warm, sunny places. My room has nice windows and it's not damp and musty. It's all high up and I can see everyone outside if I want to." She took a breath, "I like it when things are nice. I like to pretend I'm fine. And you know what? I _am_ fine. I'm not dead, Sasuke. I'm not dying either, so stop acting like it."

'Stop acting like it?' She could _not_ just walk over to him and ask him to 'stop acting like it.' If nothing was done, if they didn't form some sort of battle plan, something terrible could happen! Sasuke needed an example to put her in her place. He needed to show her the results of ignoring things.

So he came up with the only example he could.

"The last time my family 'stopped acting like' something bad was going on and did nothing to stop it, they all got _killed_!"

Naruto breathed a nostalgic sigh at him. She leaned in, got right in his face, and giggled, "From this moment on, you can no longer use your brother as an excuse."

Sasuke was awestruck. No one dared to talk to him like that. No one. No one dared to call his brother an excuse!

"You know what?" Naruto started before Sasuke could voice his disgust, "Here's the difference between you and me, 'kay? You live anywhere but the present. You're either reminiscing about dead stuff or you're worrying what's going to happen. I live in the present. Here I am. I'm breathing. I'm alive. I'm hungry-" Naruto paused. "And I'm making myself a sandwich. Do you want a sandwich?" she asked loudly, hinting that she didn't want the argument to continue longer than it had to.

"Yes, Naruto," Sasuke hissed, "I'd _love_ a sandwich."

----

It was happening again. Naruto was being targeted by people, the motives of whom were unknown, so he was depressed, confused, and scared. As a result, he was very, very happy.

And he was making himself and a very, very unhappy Sasuke Uchiha a ham sandwich. The dark-haired boy was sitting in the gloomiest corner of the room and glaring a hole in his back.

Did Naruto care?

Yes.

Did Sasuke need to know he cared?

No.

"So," Naruto said, adding mayonnaise to a slice of bread, "Knowing that I'm a simple-minded little twit, do you still want to stay at my house?"

Sasuke scoffed audibly and said nothing. Naruto turned around and stuck his tongue out at him. The silence prompted Naruto's mind to wander in an unwanted direction. Were these people going to kill him? Why? And how was he going to get out of their way?

Well, there was always Jiraiya's house. If the weather got nasty, he could go hide there.

Sasuke wanted a battle plan? Well there it was.

Case dismissed.

Naruto smiled and got on with his life.

"Here's your sandwich," Naruto announced dryly, "You want a drink to go with it?" Sasuke eyed him warily and said nothing. Naruto took this to mean that he didn't want a drink.

"Suit yourself," he said.

With that, Naruto walked out of the kitchen, walked across the hall, sat down on the Couch Which ate Human Flesh, and enjoyed his ham sandwich. There was no noise except the clock ticking on the wall and the occasional creak of the wind upstairs.

"I'm having a bad day," Sasuke suddenly voiced.

Well, wasn't that obvious. Since when did Sasuke have a good day? Naruto took another bite of his sandwich and said, "Oh really?"

"Not funny," Sasuke snapped.

"Sorry," apologized Naruto.

Sasuke didn't respond for a full five minutes.

"You know how I asked you if, if something bad happened, I could stay with you?" Sasuke mentioned suddenly. Naruto stopped devouring his sandwich and listened. "Yeah?" he said.

"Something bad happened."

Naruto twisted himself around and said, "How bad?"

"Pretty bad."

Naruto rearranged himself on the couch so that he could lay on his stomach and stare at Sasuke. He wondered how bad this 'something' was. Knowing Sasuke, he was blowing it completely out of proportion.

Sasuke took a deep breath, "Orochimaru's been hell-bent on making me leave town with him."

"With him?" Naruto confirmed with a twitch of the eye.

Sasuke nodded his head gravely. "So guess what I said?"

"What?"

"No."

Naruto blew a puff of air at his bangs. "So what happens now?"

Sasuke elaborated, "Now, since he is, technically, the owner of my dad's company, he has most of the money." Naruto gulped. Now he could see why Sasuke thought this was bad. "And…?" he drawled, anxious to see just how horrific the Uchiha's situation was.

"And he's taking all my money with him."

Naruto coughed up a bit of his sandwich. "You're kidding me!"

This was bad. Sasuke was one of the richest people in the world. If he lost his money then he… he wouldn't be Sasuke, would he?

"Nope," sighed Sasuke, "I might have to come and live with you."

"My couch will eat you," warned Naruto.

"I'm aware of that," Sasuke stated. Then he laughed. "You know how you said you live in the present and I live anywhere but?"

"Yeah," Naruto tilted his head and blinked.

"How do you do it?" he asked so flatly and severely that Naruto had to burst out laughing at him. "I dunno," he giggled, "Sometimes it just happens. It's a natural talent. I just kinda' tell myself everything's gonna' be okay." He glared at Sasuke, "Either that or I just ignore you and your suspicions altogether."

"We tried that, remember?"

"Yep. Didn't work so well, did it?"

"How long did we not speak to each other again?"

"I can't remember."

"Whatever."

Naruto laughed. "I don't understand how you can be so serious about everything all the time."

"I don't understand how you can't," Sasuke shot back.

"Touché!" Naruto shouted with a finger in the air.

"You're doing it again," Sasuke muttered.

Naruto flipped over on the couch and let his head hang off of the arm. He stared innocently at Sasuke, who was upside-down, and asked him what he meant. Sasuke shifted in his seat, "That happy thing. Where you get all loud and excited."

"Sorry."

"Why do you do it?"

Naruto sighed. "I told you before, I like to pretend I'm fine. You remember when you told me all the girls in Konoha were going to kill me for being your girlfriend and I said I was the Queen of all Whores?"

"Yes."

"Same deal. I wasn't exactly scared out of my wits, far from it. But I don't like having rumors made up about me. I can deal with it though."

"Hmm…" Sasuke hummed in his corner.

Naruto sat a few more moments in silence. At least Sasuke was still talking to him. That was a good sign. And he wanted Naruto's advice on being happy. That was also a good sign. Maybe he should give him some tips.

How to be happy.

"Hey Sasuke, you reeeaaallly wanna' know how to be like me?" Naruto piped up with a smile.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow. "I don't know. Do I?"

"Do you?"

"You're not helping."

"Do you?"

"Fine. I do," Sasuke huffed.

Naruto triumphed and did a victory dance with his toes. "Awright," he said, accentuating his words with a waggle of the finger, "The thing you really have to know to be really, truly, and incandescently happy is…" he made a drum roll against the other arm of the chair with his feet.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"My secret is…" Naruto took a deep breath, "You've gotta' smile."

Sasuke snorted, then fell off of his chair, laughing. A miffed Naruto watched him and spit at him.

Stupid Teme!

Making fun of him…

"That's-" Sasuke cackled, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Smile… Hah! Hah hah!" he broke into another crazed, out-of-character fit of laughter.

"Sasuke? Are you, like, really tired or something?" Naruto asked dryly. The only explanation for the Uchiha's behavior was that he was going insane from fatigue.

"Is that seriously your secret? Smile? I feel like I'm in kindergarten again," Sasuke snickered. Naruto spit at him again. "I'm serious! Try to be more cheerful sometime. Teme…"

"You're serious, aren't you?" Sasuke asked with a ridiculous grin on his face.

"Yeah," Naruto chuckled a little, embarrassed, "Pretty dumb, huh?"

"No," Sasuke corrected, "Not dumb. Just… cheesy."

"Thanks," Naruto scoffed. He flipped back over and stared at his ceiling. "Y'know, sometimes, as cheesy as it sounds, when the going gets rough, I think it's much easier to hang on with a smile on my face."

"I suppose so."

Naruto smiled.

----

Chibi Sasuke: …I don't think I can walk anymore.

Chibi Gaara: Why not?

Chibi Sasuke: The plot. It's like wading through a lake of molasses…

Me: That's good, isn't it?

Chibi Sasuke: There's fluff all over it, too. I'm gonna' be sick.

Chibi Naruto: I think it's sweet!

Me: I hope my readers agree with you.

Chibi Naruto: Me or Sasuke?

Me: Either of you.

Chibi Gaara: Like it? Love it? Hate it and want to burn it and feed it to your dog? Tell her your thoughts. Swirly would LOOOVE to hear them!

Chibi Naruto: Yep! Review and have a cookie!

Chibi Gaara: Review, review, review!


	21. 21: True colors

**JLH!!!**

**Disclaimer: **Harper Lee owns _To Kill a Mockingbird. _She rocks that way.

Chibi Gaara: Welcome to another chapter! And now, an audience with Swirl as to the pace of the fanfic…

Me: Yes, well, I've received a number of reviews saying the reader is 'anxious' or that I'm 'going too slow.' Believe you me, there's a reason. See, I like plot. Lots and lots of plot. I like suspense. I like mystery. The things I enjoy reflect themselves in my writing.

Chibi Naruto: There are lots of things she doesn't like, too.

Me: Yes. The things I hate to see in a fanfiction are abruptness, short descriptions, instant falling-in-love, and obviousness. I like to think that, most of the time, my fanfic involves none of the above. I'm one who prefers to build slowly, not rush in and say "and then he found out she was a dude and said, 'omg!' and died." Plus, the revealing of my two hundred some secrets is sort of a climactic point in the story, ne?

Chibi Neji: This is a romance/DRAMA story. Little bits of comedy are thrown in here and there for the enjoyment of Swirly and her audience, but, all in all, we have to keep things DRAMATIC. Now see, if she were to jump in and say 'they all lived happily ever after,' this wouldn't be a very good fic, would it?

Chibi Gaara: Very abrupt.

Me: Yes, well, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm verryyy happy with you reviewers! Thanks for telling me what you thought was wrong! I don't want to stuff too many things in one chapter. Makes things choppy, ya' know? However… you seem to be getting restless. Maybe I'll throw _**THREE**_ things in to make you happy.

Chibi Gaara: Those of you who like action will most certainly _not_ be disappointed…

Chibi Naruto: O.o

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 21**

_To put things quite simply, it was quiet. There was no purring of an engine rumbling down the alleyway. There was no sticky grinding of tires against the loose gravel in the asphalt. There were no intoxicated fools whooping and hollering out the windows of their hot-rod. Neither was there the sound of the radio or the boom of a subwoofer to disturb the ground._

_There was no horn blaring to warn him._

_There were no headlights lit to reveal his livid face in the darkness._

_On the cold, dark midnight of October twenty eighth, Orochimaru merely walked into a car._

_And died._

----

When Sasuke heard the news that morning, he quietly shut his television off, got out of his chair, blinked, stretched awkwardly, and then withdrew into his room and didn't come out for a couple of days. The truancy officer came to ring his doorbell quite often. The phone rang seven times in a row.

The school was worried.

Naruto was worried.

Well, of course she'd be worried. Sasuke was only shocked and mortified beyond belief. To top the matter of, as it were, he hadn't remembered the last time he'd been this truly, madly, and completely ill. He'd practically hacked up his lungs until he had a bitter, coppery taste lingering in the back of his throat.

That, however, didn't matter.

Orochimaru was dead.

Dead.

An ex-baby-sitter, ex-guardian, ex-owner of Sasuke's company, and now…

He was an ex-human.

_2400 10 28._

It was a date.

Orochimaru died at twenty four hundred hours. Midnight. Midnight on October the twenty eighth.

2400 10 28. _Twenty four hundred, ten twenty eight._

_A little fish once told me_

_That weasels eat snakes._

Orochimaru called Kisame 'Shark-boy.' Kisame called Orochimaru 'Snake-boy.' The fish and the snake. That much was obvious.

But who was the weasel?

Sasuke coughed up a scratchy laugh. Silly Sasuke. He knew _exactly _who the weasel was.

_Exactly_.

----

Naruto paced up and down the sidewalk in front of the ramen stand. Back and forth. Back and forth. Where was Sasuke? Where had he been? It was the day before Halloween, Neji had a party planned, they were running the mile tomorrow afternoon, and if the Uchiha didn't get better…

Well…

Naruto'd smack him one!

Yeah!

Teach that Teme to be sick!

"What's wrong with him?" he asked Gaara for the umpteenth time that day. The redhead, seemingly knowing exactly who 'he' was, recited the speech he'd prepared and practiced with Naruto more than he could count.

"Naruto," he began slowly, "Sasuke's been sick with the flu lately."

"How do you know?" he spat back, angry as a wet cat.

Gaara ignored the question and continued droning on in perfect monotony, "He's under a lot of stress, his guardian was killed in cold blood two days ago, and he probably doesn't want to come out of his room."

"But he hasn't called me back and Tsunade asked me if I knew where he was this morning and-"

"Naruto," Gaara deadpanned, "Relax."

"Don't tell me to relax!" Naruto harped, angry at the world for hiding Sasuke from him. What if something happened to him? What if Captain Blonde and the Stuttering Wonder were really following Sasuke around? What if Sasuke was really, really sick? What if he was dead? What if, what if, what if?

"I'm going over to his house after school!" he pinned Neji and Gaara to the ground with a point of the finger, "And you two are coming with me!"

Neji scoffed rudely, "To that _Uchiha's_ apartment? I think not! I have my dignity, you know."

Naruto then, having neither the patience nor the courtesy to stomach Neji's words, exploded in a fit of rage. "You don't wonder what's wrong with him? You don't wonder why he's been acting like such a fruitcake since he fell asleep in English class that one time?"

"It's not my first priority to worry about a rival, Naruto."

"How would you feel if you were in my place and this was happening to Gaara!?"

The redhead turned his head away in defiance and Neji fought with his words, then swallowed them.

Just what he thought.

"What if Gaara went missing for a few days?" Naruto screeched, "What if Yashamaru died? What if your boyfriend had some weird, unexplainable disease that you couldn't cure? Huh? Huh!? What would you do, Neji? Would you worry? Damn right you would fucking worry!"

Naruto's eyes were misting over with tears of frustration. He pinched the bridge of his nose, yelled at life, and then cast the world a hurt glance.

Naruto was worried. Worried and angry. Why did the world have to do this to Sasuke? _His_ Sasuke?

Where was he?

What had happened to him?

What the hell was going on?

This thought process carried him through lunch. Frankly, it had him in its clutches until the last ten minutes of English class. Shikamaru was astonished. Naruto assumed that this was because there was absolutely _no one_ more out of it than he was ninety nine percent of the time.

"Naruto?" he drawled lazily.

The agitated blonde whipped around in his seat with wide eyes and fidgeted with the ruffles in his skirt. "Yeah?" he replied hurriedly.

Shikamaru eyed him and blew a puff of air into the room. "You worried?" he asked passively. Naruto blinked at him and messed with his skirt some more. "Yeah…" he grumbled.

Shikamaru nodded absently. After a moment of silence, Naruto turned back around. He was still fidgeting. He tried to stop, but only found himself messing with the edge of his desktop instead.

He took a deep breath to calm his nerves.

"You shouldn't be worried," a voice pointed out. Naruto twisted his body around again to find Shikamaru staring at him through languid eyes. Naruto quirked an eyebrow. Gopher-boy shrugged, "He's not the kind of guy to disappear. He'll pull through."

"Thanks," Naruto said dryly.

"You're welcome."

----

Sasuke was in the midst of wallowing in his disagreeable misery when the phone annoyed him by persisting to ring yet again. He stayed uncomfortably huddled beneath his fortress of cottony warmth and coughed. Sasuke wouldn't be bothered. He let the phone ring.

"Sasuke! Teme! You better be alive, cuz' I'm coming up there!"

The Uchiha's head popped up, covered in pillows, and then sank back down again. He most certainly didn't want Naruto coming up to his apartment.

It was a mess.

And he was ill.

Yeah.

Sasuke's bones creaked as he pushed himself out of his prison. He rubbed his eyes and let out a groan. He couldn't let Naruto see that he was sick.

Hah!

Like he could hide it.

He pushed himself out of bed and swayed his way out of the room and down the hallway in his pajamas. Sasuke swooned, color flashing before his eyes as he hit his head on the wall. He practically fell into his bathroom, making a face at his reflection. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were redder than usual. His skin wasn't white, it was grey. His eyes weren't black, they were glassy.

All in all, Sasuke was quite unhappy with his appearance.

Suddenly, there was a cannonade of pounding on his front door. Sasuke pushed himself away from the mirror and bumbled into his living room.

He ran into the corner of his new coffee table.

Cursing, he stumbled to the door. "Coming!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

Which he regretted, by the way.

He broke into a fit of coughing and hacking, tearing up the back of his throat and feeling generally shit-tastic. He heard a sound coming from the door. It was Naruto's voice, and it was screaming at him. "TEME! YOU BETTER BE OKAY!"

Or what? She'd kill him?

Sasuke ignored her, falling against the door and fumbling with the lock. He jerked the latch open and threw the door's chain against the wall. He flung his body to the side just as the door came screaming open.

"TEEEEEMMEEEEEEE!!!"

Sasuke's mind didn't have time to register much when the wind was knocked out of him as the back of his ribs made contact with the floor. He lay there, not quite listening to the background noise and not quite seeing the way Naruto's sunshine hair spiked out as if it had been charged with electricity. He lay there, prostrate, and wondered what had happened to his life.

There he was.

On the floor.

With a blonde trying desperately to strangle him.

He was feeling like shit, which Naruto wasn't doing much to help, and generally, Sasuke wanted to die. The pain in his chest was beginning to manifest itself. His back began to ache in the places where the knobs of his spine were pushing against his skin. His lungs felt wet and his throat began to itch. The inevitable happened.

Sasuke mustered up his strength and pushed Naruto off. He turned over on his stomach and hacked up a long, wet cough.

"OhmigawdSasukeareyouokay?" Naruto rambled, scrambling off of him as another annoying cough racked his body. Sasuke breathed once, then said, "Yes, Naruto, I'm fine."

She looked him up and down appraisingly before observing that, "You're lying."

"Yes," coughed Sasuke.

"Lying is bad for you."

It was then that Sasuke noticed the two of them were not alone. Lurking in the doorway were his arch-nemesis and his red-headed poodle. Sasuke arched an eyebrow at Neji.

The Hyuga bastard was desecrating his house.

"Told you he didn't want me here," Neji stated casually to Naruto. The blonde glanced over at him, then looked back down at Sasuke. "Sasuke," she deadpanned, "Go to bed."

As if that explained everything.

Nevertheless, Sasuke was in no state to complain. He made an attempt to get off the carpet, which Naruto swiftly deterred by pulling him up herself. As she pushed him through his bedroom door she informed him that she and Gaara had brought groceries and were going to cook him dinner.

Joy.

Once again, Sasuke was in no state to complain. He merely brushed her off, saving himself his pride before she literally put him to bed and tucked him in. The Uchiha eased himself into his blankets again and settled into his cocoon. Regardless of the unsettling fact that there were one Hyuga, one gangster, and one blonde ball of maternal fury prowling around his house, he felt unusually comfortable.

Maybe it was _because_ there were people in his house. It was refreshing to hear Naruto's bitchy voice again.

"Get that pan out of the cupboard!"

"Gaara, toss me that pack of noodles!"

"Neji, get that out of your mouth!"

Sweet music.

Sweet, sweet music.

----

It took a mustering of his best efforts to get all of the ingredients into the cooking pot in one piece, but nevertheless, Naruto was very proud. The smell of ginger soup wafted through the kitchen.

Brand-X Boxed Ginger Soup could cure anything.

So could Windex, but Naruto wasn't about to shoot Sasuke full of blue-tinted cleaning fluid.

Gaara lounged on the leather couch in the living room and tapped the coffee table with his toes. Naruto smirked at him. "Never thought cooking would take so much out of you," he sneered. The redhead glanced uninterestedly at him before returning his gaze to the coffee table.

Naruto frowned. "What's up?"

"This house feels weird," Gaara replied.

The blonde rolled his eyes at him. "Oh really?" he drawled, "What's so weird about it?"

"Dunno," Gaara deadpanned.

"Mm hmm," hummed Naruto less than enthusiastically, "I think you're jealous because his couch is nice and comfy and it doesn't eat people."

"Like yours?"

"Like mine," Naruto agreed.

Gaara nodded absently and got back to tapping at the coffee table. Naruto huffed in exasperation. Gaara was acting funny.

Naruto, naturally, wondered why.

"So what's _really_ wrong?" the pushy blonde pressed. He earned himself a half-annoyed snort from the redhead and took it as a hint that he was getting somewhere. "Tell me! Pleeeaaaassse?" Naruto misted his eyes up and whined as best he could.

Gaara gave him the eye. Naruto's upper lip quivered.

"This house is dead," said Gaara.

Naruto snorted and flew into a fit of giggles. What was all this 'dead' mumbo-jumbo? Gaara and his crazy supernatural bullshit. Hah! What kind of normal person complained about a dead house anyway?

Gaara huffed an irritated sighed, "You know what I mean!"

"No, really, I don't," Naruto cackled.

"It's… empty! Like no one lives here."

"No one important," grumbled Neji, who had just returned from the bathroom. "You know how much shit he has in that bathroom? Hair stuff everywhere! I swear, he has, like, fifty brushes in there!"

Naruto laughed. "See, Gaara? This house isn't empty, it's full of Sasuke-hair!"

Neji raised an eyebrow, "What's wrong with Gaara?"

"He's being unreasonable," Naruto pointed out happily before the midget had a chance to open his mouth.

"Big word," Gaara said with a gracefully arched middle finger in the air.

Naruto snapped his fingers and whistled for no apparent reason.

Neji, being the reasonable person he was, mentioned that the soup was going to go bad if they didn't wake up The-Uchiha-who-Shall-Not-be-Called-by-His-First-Name and make him eat it. Naruto recognized the logic in his words and set out to dump Sasuke out of his bed.

When he rounded the corner and opened the bedroom door, he hadn't expected Sasuke to actually be asleep.

Big surprise.

There he was, curled up on his side with his back to the door, his entire body covered in quilts and pillows. Naruto stalked across the room and peered over at him. His legs were folded up against his chest and his arms were tucked closely into his body. Sasuke breathed a deep, sleepy sigh.

Naruto blinked.

He looked…

Fluffy.

Petable, even.

Awww! Cute fwuffy-wuffy Sasuke-chan!

Naruto clenched his eyes shut, squealed, hugged his arms to his body, and spun in a circle to keep from attacking his fuzzy little Sasu-bunny.

Sasu-bunny!

Gah! Naruto couldn't contain himself any longer. He pounced onto Sasuke's bed with a squeak and sent the pillows flying. A distressed 'humph!' was the only sign that the Uchiha was awake.

Despite the fact that he had a giggling blonde stuck to his back, Sasuke pushed himself up on his palms with a disgruntled snort. When his wild, black eyes met Naruto's, he grumbled tiredly and sank back down into his bed. "Naruto," he hissed, "What the fuck are you doing in my room?"

"Waking you up," Naruto grinned. The Uchiha glared at him. Sasuke was even cute when he was angry. That was impossible. Maybe it was because he was sick.

"You didn't have to jump on me!"

"Yes I did! You were just so fluffy!"

"I am _not _fucking fluffy," Sasuke mumbled groggily.

"Yeah? Well, if you were, we'd have a lot more fun, wouldn't we?"

Sasuke arched a fine eyebrow at him, "Was that something racy coming out of your mouth?"

Naruto only smiled.

Sasuke rolled his eyes into his head and breathed a deep, frustrated sigh. He lay there, completely still, waiting to wake up completely. Naruto grinned wickedly and took advantage of the fact that he was 'completely still.' He nuzzled into the back of Sasuke's nightshirt and tightened his hold around the Uchiha's midsection. The image of Sasuke as a bunny rabbit kept replaying in his mind's TV set and he couldn't bring himself to change the channel.

"Whadd're you doing?" Sasuke coughed and grumbled almost incoherently.

"Imagining you as a bunny," replied Naruto with a ridiculous grin on his face.

A deep rumble formed in Sasuke's chest. The blonde's smile broadened, "Are you a _mad _bunny-wunny, Sasuke-wasuke?"

"Oh, come off it," the Uchiha sighed.

"But I don' wanna' come off it, Sasuke-wasuke! It's soo comfy-wumfy…"

"Stop it with the Sasuke-wasuke bullshit."

"Hah hah! You said Sasuke-wasuke!"

"Hah hah my ass."

Naruto noticed that Sasuke's shirt had slipped up a bit. On a whim, he buried his face in Sasuke's warm, bare skin and blew a raspberry into it.

The Uchiha swatted at him and mumbled at him to get off.

Naruto grabbed at one of Sasuke's arms and pinned it to his back. He giggled when the disgruntled duck-haired boy tried to pry it free. "I got you! I got you, I got you!" Naruto taunted.

Sasuke started thrashing around and yelling at him.

Naruto, of course, took this to mean that he had to hold on tighter in order to win the little game he started.

That was when he noticed something _very _odd.

There were little red marks all over Sasuke's wrist. When he looked harder, he noticed that the little blue veins were pushing out of his skin. Sasuke's arm was so pale, it was almost blue in that area.

"Naruto! Let go!" In a Herculean effort to pull his captive arm out from beneath Naruto's prying glare, Sasuke reached behind his head with his free arm and shoved the blonde off of his back.

"Oww!" Naruto howled as he rubbed the back of his aching head. He cracked open one eye and complained, "That hurt, Teme!"

Much to Naruto's dismay and indignation, Sasuke didn't seem to have heard him. He was too busy kicking around in his sheets like an amnesiac who just remembered where he was. He pulled and stretched the sleeves of his nightshirt down to his palms. He lifted his head up and jerked his eyes around like an animal in a cage.

"Uh, Sasuke?" Naruto waved from one dark corner of his prison. The Uchiha's head snapped over in the direction of his voice and fixed him there with a look that would have frozen hell five times over.

"Naruto."

The blonde eyed him from a distance. "Yeah?"

"Get out of my room."

----

Sasuke woke up when the blonde's idiotic laughter stopped.

Things happened very quickly after that.

First, Sasuke's mind registered exactly what she was looking at. Next, his body snapped into action and he flung her off of him. After that, Sasuke felt slightly paranoid.

What the hell did she see? Did she know what it meant? Would she tell anyone? Would Sasuke have to go to rehab? Would it be in the newspaper? Of course it would be in the paper! Would Itachi laugh at him and call him weak? Of course Itachi would laugh at him and call him weak!

Itachi already had to save his ass once!

Save.

His.

Ass.

The brother who killed his family saved his ass.

Why had he saved his ass?

Because he could laugh at him now. Itachi was laughing at him. Sasuke couldn't deal with Orochimaru on his own. It was Itachi's way of rubbing his little brother's own weakness in his face!

Pain!

Anger!

Humiliation!

He told Naruto to get out of his room. To get the HELL out of his room! And she had. Fancy that! Just scrambled out.

Came over to his house to see if he was still alive. Took care of him. Cooked him dinner. Told him he was fluffy.

Woke him up.

Saw his arm.

Ruined his trust.

Bam.

Just like that.

Now there were hushed whispers in the other room. Sasuke knew what they were about. Naruto was snitching on him. She was going to shout his humiliation to the world. Itachi would have his last laugh.

Sasuke was hating, spiting, and surviving generally pathetically.

Running from the truth.

And clinging desperately to life.

Well, would you look at that.

Dreading the moment, Sasuke pushed himself out of bed, coughed, and made his way to the door. As much as he hated Naruto for prying, he was really, _really _hungry. The whispers got louder as he stumbled down the hall. Sasuke flinched.

Once again, Sasuke knew what they were whispering about. And it hurt, dammit! Naruto could see that he didn't want anyone to know, couldn't she? Naruto knew how much of a big deal this was, didn't she? That bitch! That traitor!

He was going to waltz into that room and give her hell.

Fucking cock-sucking whore cunt bitch motherfu-

"-Oh come on, Gaara! This house is _not _haunted either! Oh, and your toenails are SO out of style."

"Fuck you! Black is much better than prissy pink, you WOMAN!"

"Yeah, well, I AM a woman!"

"Get bent!"

"Yo' momma!"

Well.

Sasuke didn't know exactly what to say. It didn't make sense. Naruto had just seen the shock of her life and now she was insulting Gaara about his… toenails?

This was… this was good. Sasuke could work with this. Maybe she didn't know exactly what the marks were. Maybe she thought they were a side effect of the 'illness' he had.

Maybe she thought they were nothing at all!

And he blew up in her face about it.

Well, shit.

Sasuke sighed. After he forced that frustrated puff of air out of his system, he got an idea. Not long ago, Naruto mentioned that it was much easier to get through life with a smile on her face. Maybe that was what she was doing now.

The smiley thing.

Maybe he'd try it. It was a good idea, Sasuke reasoned, provided he could get his mind off of what had just happened. Or perhaps the whole purpose of grinning and bearing it was to make it easier to get one's mind off of something.

Interesting.

Relaxed somewhat, Sasuke scratched the back of his head and tripped into the room. All eyes were on him in an instant. He could swear he saw a flash of guilt cross Naruto's face, but it was gone in an instant. Her blue eyes brightened and a nice little strawberry blush decorated the bridge of her nose. "Hey Sasuke!" she waved cheerfully, "We made dinner! Hope you like ginger!"

"Yeah," sighed Sasuke awkwardly, "Love it."

"Good!" Naruto piped up, clapping her hands together once. "Gaara brought a movie, too." A strange, misplaced silence. "You did bring it, didn't you?" Naruto asked nervously with her eyebrows turned upward.

Sasuke watched in passive silence as Gaara hit himself in the forehead and said, "Motherfucker!"

Naruto's jaw dropped and she floundered in her own particular Uzumaki way; mouth open, eyes twitching rapidly, and limbs shooting out in no particular direction. Neji nodded as if this reaction was normal and remained otherwise motionless in Sasuke's new navy-blue armchair. There was a Hyuga in his chair… And he couldn't do anything about it. Naruto certainly wouldn't stand for a family feud in her presence.

As the aforementioned blonde and her redheaded friend continued filling the air with their arguments, Sasuke's ears started to hurt. He had a way to make them stop, but it would induce a great amount of pain on his part. However, Sasuke was unwilling to listen to them squabble for another hour or two. "Listen," he yelled, trying to capture their attention. It worked. All three pairs of eyes were blinking at him again. Sasuke sighed in relief, "I have movies."

Neji gawked. "You? Entertainment? Where?"

Sasuke ignored him. "Yeah, I've got movies…" he trailed off, scratching at the fuzz on the back of his neck, "but…"

"What?" Neji sneered, "You sold them all and bought yourself a Corvette?"

Sasuke gave him a very level glare. "They're in my brother's room."

Neji and Gaara gave each other confused glances. Meanwhile, Naruto laughed nervously and said, "Uh, we don't _need_ movies…"

Sasuke sighed and half-smiled. "It's okay. I'll go get 'em."

"And I'll go with you," Naruto stated with an index finger in the air.

Sasuke was grateful, but she didn't need to know that. "You don't have to-"

"Oh stop lying. You know you want me to go with you."

"Suit yourself."

----

Mmkay. Sasuke wasn't acting extraordinarily weird, so maybe the things on his arms were no big deal. Just to be safe though, Naruto kept off the subject.

It looked like he'd been attacked by a porcupine or something.

A poisonous, rabid porcupine.

Neji and Gaara tagged along warily for the hike to Sasuke's brother's room. Curiously, Itachi's ex-lair was straight down the opposite side of the hall than Sasuke's was.

Keep your old… possibly dead… enemies close?

Sasuke seemed at peace with the long, dark, ominous hallway. That was a good sign. At least he wasn't going to flip out and start screaming 'BLOOOODDD!' anytime soon.

The door opened with a metallic click, but Sasuke didn't go inside right away. He waited for a second, listening, then tip-toed through the door. Gaara and Neji were casting him peculiar looks. Sasuke leaned back through the door and mumbled something to himself.

Good old paranoid Sasuke.

They all flowed into the room, stopping at different points to admire or remark on various pieces of furniture. Naruto marveled at the room. The walls weren't the normal Uchiha blue. They were a nice, homey, barn red. Come to think of it, almost nothing was blue. It was either red, white, or black.

Another thing stood out in the room. Nothing was dusty. Was Sasuke so obsessed with his brother that he actually came into his room daily and dusted it? No.

"Hey Sasuke?" Naruto pried.

"Hm?"

"When's the last time you were in here?"

Sasuke was quiet for a while. He was calculating his answer. "Years ago," Sasuke mentioned finally, "Why?"

"Well," Naruto thought a moment, "It looks really clean."

Sasuke frowned deliberately and replied that the air filter might still have been active in the room. He looked up and squinted at one corner. Naruto followed his line of sight to a large vent near the ceiling. The telltale humming informed Naruto that it was, indeed, working.

And the window was open.

Interesting.

Naruto didn't want to pry, but the action was irresistible and as a result, inevitable. That window wanted him to ask why it was open.

"Soo…" Naruto drew out his vowels. Sasuke turned around and gave him a look that said, 'what now?'

"It's a little drafty in here," he hinted, disguising his interest as chit-chat.

"Window's open," said Sasuke absentmindedly with a gesture at the window.

Naruto nodded. "Mm hmm." He went over and observed the object of interest for good measure. There was a book stuffed between the frame and the windowpane to keep it open. Naruto carefully lifted the windowpane up and swept the book out from beneath it. It looked yellow and withered. The cover was warped and crinkled by the rain and made dusty and brittle by the sun.

The worn, smooth edges of the cover and the dark smudges on the spine made the book seem well loved, though.

_To Kill a Mockingbird._

Huh.

Naruto flipped the book open to the first chapter.

_"When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow... When enough years had gone by to enable us to look back on them, we sometimes discussed the events leading to his accident. I maintain that the Ewells started it all, but Jem, who was four years my senior, said it started long before that. He said it began the summer Dill came to us, when Dill first gave us the idea of making Boo Radley come out..."_

"So why do you keep the window open?" Naruto asked innocently, turning the book over in his hands.

"I told you, I haven't been in here in years," said Sasuke, rummaging through a closet. "I can't remember where he kept them…"

"Just what kind of movies did your brother have?" Neji asked, peering at one of the shelves.

"Normal stuff," replied Sasuke amiably, "PG13 and R rated movies. Mom wouldn't let either of us watch them."

Neji whistled, "That's harsh."

"Yeah, well, my brother was… an interesting person. Mom didn't want me becoming like him and she didn't want him getting any more difficult to control."

Gaara scoffed, "So they took away all your good movies?"

"They tried. Itachi hid the rest somewhere in this closet…" Naruto looked up from his book.

Okay, now this was unusual. Sasuke, Neji, and Gaara were talking to each other. And they were talking _nicely_. Sympathizing even! Naruto looked up through the glass and noticed that the sky was still there.

Odd.

"Found them," remarked Sasuke, further into the closet than its dimensions deemed possible.

Naruto took note of this and chewed suspiciously on his thumb. Itachi's closet was funny. Another look at the space told Naruto that the position Sasuke was in was absolutely impossible. He was _behind_ the back wall, and yet he wasn't. It reminded him of a horror movie with an endless hallway.

Like something Stephen King would write.

Sasuke pushed a wire hanger aside and peered warily out at his guests. "You wanna' find something you like?" he suggested.

"Yes," concluded Gaara, waltzing into the closet like he'd seen this sort of thing all the time. Neji followed after him.

Naruto traced their steps with a spasmodic eye. It… wasn't possible. Naruto was not a scientific person, but it was scientifically impossible the way they walked into that closet.

Sasuke gave him a look as if to say he knew precisely what was going through Naruto's mind. "The wall just looks that close. Itachi figured out how to angle the sunlight perfectly with that book," he gestured to the book in the confused blonde's hands. "He used it to push the window up. The glass on that window is thicker at the bottom than at the top. He used that and reflection by a mirror to avert the light over here. There's a screen here," Sasuke pointed to the part of the wall that was _supposed_ to be the back wall, "The light hits this and makes it look like a wall. There's another foot of space behind it and a hole in the wall he and I dug out. He put a bunch of… magazines in a drawer in front of it to make it look like he was hiding them, not movies."

"Magazines?"

"Never mind. Anyway, that's how we stashed our movies."

Naruto twitched again. "You mean to tell me your brother and you went all that way to hide a few lousy movies?" he muttered.

"It was… fun. And they're good movies," Sasuke stated righteously.

"Yeah, but wouldn't your parents find it anyway?" Naruto asked, bewildered.

"By the time we fixed everything up, my parents were too scared to set foot in his room anyway."

"Oh."

"Found one," Gaara remarked, holding out a colorful DVD case.

Meanwhile…

"Dude," Neji held up a magazine to his eyes. A cascade of glossy paper rolled out and swayed in the air. He looked up from the paper, gave Sasuke a glazed stare, looked down, looked up again, recollected his thoughts, and said, "These are _dudes_."

"Well let's watch a movie!" Sasuke interrupted, waving both Gaara and Neji out of the closet. The two of them cast a wary glance at Naruto before waddling out of the room. As soon as they were gone, Sasuke leaned back on the doorframe and blew a hot puff of air out of his lungs.

"What's wrong?" Naruto asked after replacing the book on the windowsill.

Sasuke coughed at him, ran his lips across the back of his hand, and rolled his eyes. "I don't see how you can be so _nice_ all the time. I'm beat."

Naruto resisted the urge to tackle Sasuke to the floor and smother him in girly-kisses. So _that_ was what he was doing? Trying to be nice? Amiable Sasuke? Impossible? More questions? Yes!

Naruto giggled, "I can't believe you talked to Neji. You didn't even yell at him or anything."

"Shut up."

"There's the Sasuke I know and love!" shouted Naruto. "Cutesy-wootsy Sasuke-wasuke!"

"Bullshit," wheezed Sasuke.

Naruto dared to give him a smooch and a noogie before skipping down the hall to the living room. He greeted Neji and Gaara before wheeling into the kitchen and whipping four disposable picnic bowls out of the plastic shopping bag.

He poured soup straight out of the pot into all four of them, paying no mind to the mess, and carried them out on a tray. He spilled one once, considered claiming it as his own out of courtesy, and then decided Neji wouldn't mind if his bowl was an inch shallower than everyone else's.

When everyone was comfortable and the previews were rolling, Naruto deviously concocted a way to form all of Sasuke's furniture into a fort. He pushed several end-tables, the coffee-table, and the recliner together. When Sasuke demanded to know what he was doing, he only cackled and asked where the spare blankets were. Sasuke replied that they were on his bed.

"Every last one?"

"Every last one."

"You're not contagious, are you?"

"I hope not."

And that was good enough for Naruto. Regardless of Sasuke's opinion on the matter, the sheets and quilts were promptly ripped off of his bed and draped over the mass of furniture. Naruto dragged Gaara inside along with a few pillows off of the couch. It was stuffy, but the two of them didn't mind all that much. By the time the villain hit the secret agent in the head with a shovel, Gaara had managed to get Neji under the table as well. All that was left was Sasuke, who adamantly refused to enter with the excuse of needing to throw all the soup bowls away after he was done with his.

Naruto knew very well that he'd been done for the last fifteen minutes. So he begged and he begged until Sasuke got tired of his whining. Five minutes later, nestled beneath the coffee table were four full, content, and considerably entertained teenage boys.

With the exception of Sasuke, who insisted that he'd seen the movie a thousand times and made a habit out of telling everyone what an actor would say before his cue. Neji threatened to slap him once, but due to the casual promise that Naruto would bite his head off if he did, Neji left Sasuke alone.

Near the high point of the plot in which the secret agent had ten minutes to locate and defuse a bomb, Sasuke had collapsed onto his arm and fallen asleep.

That he'd fallen asleep wasn't what Naruto found astounding.

It was that he'd fallen asleep around people.

In his house.

Twice.

Sasuke always seemed very wary of people snooping around in his house. Naruto wondered why. Did it have something to do with the scabs on his arms? Maybe. Perhaps the reason he was asleep was that he felt safe.

Or he was really tired.

Either one worked.

Regardless of the means by which Sasuke had deemed it safe to fall asleep, Naruto rolled over to him and cuddled into his side. And Sasuke was very cuddly.

In a sickly, angular, pale, undernourished sort of way.

Naruto didn't let it bother him too much. He had faith that Sasuke was capable of taking care of himself.

"So," Gaara rambled off to Naruto's other side. The blonde dislodged his face from the mess of limbs and fabric and glared over at the offending voice. Gaara continued, "What's your prognosis?"

Naruto blinked at the strange word. A medical term. Sounded like diagnosis. What was diagnosis? Sounded like a disease or something.

Like hepatitis.

Or something else ending in _itis_.

Or _osis._

"What do you think is _wrong _with him and will he survive, genius." Gaara grumbled.

Oh! Prognosis. Fun word.

"Well, Doctor Dumbass," Naruto began with his nose in the air, "I think he's suffering from a serious case of-"

"Need-a-life-itis," interrupted Neji proudly.

Gaara smacked him.

"I'm not suffering from anything," mumbled the pile of sheets to which Naruto was attached.

"The hell you aren't," argued Naruto curtly before turning himself back around and explaining to everyone exactly from what Sasuke was suffering. "I think he needs some fresh air, some sunlight, another movie, and a visit to the doctor's office."

----

"NO!" was the answer they all got before Sasuke thumped his skull on the underside of his coffee table.

"Saaaasukeeeeee!!!" Naruto whined, wriggling in her spot and fretting over Sasuke's head, "You have to go see a doctor! They'd know what's wrong with you!"

What if Sasuke didn't want them to know what was wrong with him? He couldn't risk seeing a doctor. So, just to get his point across and to stop the pain in his skull, he said, "No."

Naruto frowned adorably at him. "Sasuke! How am I supposed to fix you when I don't know what's wrong with you?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes into the back of his head and massaged his scalp. "Listen, Naruto, I have the flu or something. The flu. That's all it is. It'll be gone in a week."

"A week?" Naruto cried, "You've been like this since forever!"

"I'm naturally _that way_!" Sasuke lied.

"You aren't either!" Naruto argued lamely.

Sasuke sighed at her. Why? Why was she so persistent?

_Because she loves you, that's why._

As much as Sasuke enjoyed denying it, it was true. Naruto cared about him. Very much. She wanted to smack all the evil out of him so he could be happy.

Sasuke knew their skirmish was over when Naruto's shoulders slumped downward and her chest heaved with a reluctant sigh. He could tell she wasn't happy with him, but that was the way things had to be. Sasuke would _not _give up any of his ground. Naruto would have to be satisfied with his refusal.

"Fine," she glowered through incredibly clear blue eyes, "Have it your way. But I don't like it."

"I know, Naruto," Sasuke relaxed on the floor and sighed, "I know."

----

Time passed.

Naruto made an excuse not to come to Neji's Pre-Halloween Party, so, naturally, Gaara argued to have it set at a later date. This didn't sit well with Naruto, who not only thought it ridiculous to have a party any day than before or on Halloween, but was also not inclined to go. He was worried. What were those dots on Sasuke's arms? He thought about looking up DOTS ON ARMS on Google at the library, but decided against it. Not only did he decide against it because it sounded silly, but Google kept records of who searched for what and he didn't want one search topic from Konoha recorded as DOTS ON ARMS.

It was embarrassing.

Neji had rescheduled the party to Halloween night, which seemed reasonable. Currently, it was Halloween day.

And he was on the school's rubber track.

Beside one very unhappy looking, coughing, hacking Uchiha Sasuke.

Which worried him even more, by the way.

The Uchiha looked positively awful. His hair was scraggly, he was thin as a toothpick, and he was so pale that he blinded everyone in sight. This was decidedly not good. Naruto sincerely hoped he'd reconsider and tell Kakashi he couldn't run the mile today.

What had possessed him, anyhow? If Sasuke were Naruto, he definitely would have skipped the mile, sick or not.

Sasuke wasn't Naruto.

That's why he was Sasuke.

…

Anyhow, Gaara and Neji were lining up on the track. The both of them cast backward glances at Sasuke and muttered amongst one another.

And that was when team Gai marched onto the field.

----

The first thing Sasuke noticed was something green coming in his general direction at a fast pace. It looked fuzzy and Sasuke risked falling over while trying to squint at it and make sense of what it was. At the last moment, it veered over into Kakashi's side of the bleachers and started yelling something… which also seemed very green.

Moments later, another green blotch accompanied the first. The first Green turned to the second Green after a moment of silence, yelled once, then seemingly grew a hand out of nowhere in particular and high-fived the second Green.

Come to think of it, grass was Green too…

Sasuke looked down at his feet, saw Black, then concluded that it would be in his best interest to tilt his head to the right and focus in that direction. With much effort on his part, he located something Green and decided to call it grass. Only days later would he reflect on his findings and come to the shocking revelation that his object of interest was really only one of Naruto's Converses.

What a shame.

Sasuke coughed once to clear his throat, then found himself doubling over in a fit. He hadn't remembered how he'd gotten there. There he was, notwithstanding his lack of knowledge, bent over himself and in fantastic agony of being so.

Sasuke wondered if there was a hole in his throat yet.

His codeine cough syrup was getting to his head. Heroin and codeine… yum… He could taste it again. Sasuke didn't mind that the syrupy aftertaste might not have been healthy. He attempted to focus on the Green grass again.

It wasn't there.

Puzzled, Sasuke looked for it.

"-ke… Sasuke… Saaaassssssukeeeeee…"

Sasuke.

That was his name.

Wasn't it?

He turned around, swayed on one foot and corrected himself by swinging the other out from under him, and glared stupidly into something Blue.

"Teme, you still in there?" something said. It came from the Blue, so Sasuke assumed that the noise was also very Blue.

He paid it no mind and retreated nostalgically into his own thoughts. Sasuke remembered a time long ago when colors blended and noise bubbled like this. He had been in his room, quite bored with himself, when he conjured up the brilliant idea to get himself stone drunk.

The following hours were peculiar.

Sasuke was into his third bottle of whiskey when he began to talk to the mattress. First, however, he amused himself by holding a rather one-sided conversation with the recliner in his living room. Through his persistence Sasuke learned that the recliner was exceptionally quiet and stubborn. When it finally gave up and spoke to him, it only contradicted everything he said, persisted in changing colors when he blinked, and turned out to be of the complete opposite political party than he was.

So he turned to the mattress for comfort.

He flung himself at the mattress, saying something along the lines of but much less intelligent than, "I should think that my recliner is quite boring."

"Whump," said the mattress.

He confided in the mattress his deepest darkest secrets, cried, slept, and then didn't feel a bit better about it when he woke up. As a matter of fact, he felt worse.

So here he was.

On the track.

The Blue was yelling at him.

And his mattress was nowhere in sight.

Sasuke was in tough shape.

"Uchiha-san!" Sasuke recognized the use of his last name and turned to face it. Green number two was sauntering up to him tin-soldier style. Sasuke squinted strangely at it, trying to discover where the Green ended and everything else began. He blinked slowly. It was rambling to him. Sasuke couldn't identify the words, so he centered his attention on a point just left of the Green.

Green number one was making exaggerated gestures to Kakashi. The Silver-haired gym teacher seemed at ease with the motion and dared to make small hand gestures of his own. They were… talking about something… with their hands.

Sasuke suddenly recognized the word "Sakura-chan" and snapped his head back over to the second Green. Hmm… if Sasuke remembered correctly, Sakura-chan was Pink.

Pretty Pink.

Like flowers.

"-going to beat you this time!"

Beat him…

Beat him.

Beat him?

Sasuke?

Green wanted to beat Sasuke? Without giving it much thought, Sasuke glared into what he thought was the center of the Green and flipped it off. "In your dreams, fucker," he slurred, and then walked off.

----

Through ten minutes of quiet observation, Naruto came to the realization that Sasuke was high on something. Firstly, he was falling down everywhere he went. Secondly, he hadn't listened to a thing anyone said to him. Thirdly, he _never_ would have looked at Sakura that way if he was sober.

He was sick, he was high, and he was hallucinating.

And he was about to run a mile.

Naruto was beginning to feel a little queasy himself.

Half of team Gai lined up on the track with half of team Kakashi crouched beside them. Sakura and Choji stood side by side. Next to them were Kiba and Gaara. Neji and TenTen squared off on the left side of the track. Opposite them were none other than Sasuke and Lee.

Lee hopped around on the rubber like a boxer before a match. He even managed a jab to the air every once in a while. Sasuke, on the other hand, was motionless. He breathed hard, closed his eyes, and showered his arm-warmers in wet coughs.

Bad.

He was going to eat Lee's dust.

Considering how high he was, Sasuke would probably enjoy it.

Naruto was awestruck when Kakashi didn't call his name. He didn't have to run the first mile. He'd be in the second group. What luck!

What procrastinating luck!

On second thought, Naruto was worried that something would happen to Sasuke and the blonde would be too far away to come to his aid quickly enough.

He didn't have much time to worry. Quick as lightning, the race was on. Gai blew his whistle and even Sasuke sprinted out of line. Naruto clapped his hands over his eyes and muttered oaths to the air. Shit… Sasuke was going to lose in front of his class. He was going to fall in the dirt right in front of _Gai's_ class! The humiliation would kill him!

Naruto dared to separate two of the fingers on his right hand and peer through the gap. What he saw made him drop his arms entirely.

Sasuke was _winning_.

Well, technically, he wasn't first, but he was dead even with Lee. The two of them had a few yards on the rest of the pack and were steadily gaining ground. They flew into their second turn with Sasuke on the outside looking every bit like the starved, crazed, senile maniac he was.

They raced past the starting line and made their first lap with time to spare.

Naruto marveled at his energy. The second lap passed and Sasuke was still dead even with Lee. He could tell the Green thunderbolt was trying to give the Uchiha the slip, too. He'd pick up speed unexpectedly and Sasuke would shoot up to meet him.

Sasuke wasn't pulling his own tricks though, and that was the first sign that something was very, _very _wrong. His gait was more open and sloppy than usual and his arms seemed to flail out in every direction. When he passed the bleachers a third time, Naruto could hear him breathing. He was choking on air. Another sign that made Naruto's skin prickle. The third sign that something was amiss revealed itself when Lee kept glancing over his shoulder. And he looked concerned.

Naruto dashed over to Kakashi.

"Stop the race," he demanded.

Kakashi's single visible eye fell on him and blinked. "In case you haven't noticed," he droned in a sing-song voice, "I'm not the one with the whistle." Kakashi then pointed over his shoulder at Gai in all his green glory.

Naruto managed a pathetically pathetic, pleading sniffle. Kakashi ignored it.

The worried blonde cast a weary look at the track. He located Sasuke and Lee, whose entry into the final turn ignited a cheering uproar from the bleachers. Naruto grudgingly reasoned that they were nearly done with the race anyway so talking to Gai was useless.

He crouched back down in his seat holding his head in his hands and praying for the best. Sasuke and Lee neared the finish line, neck and neck. Lee accelerated again and Sasuke barreled forward, almost past him.

As Naruto watched the scene unfolding, a horrific revelation reached him.

Sasuke's head drooped as he ran, his feet plowed into the ground at odd angles, and his arms were flying everywhere.

His eyes were closed halfway and he was slipping to the right.

Sasuke was dead on his feet.

He had _fainted_ during the last ten yards of the mile.

When the rest of the class got out of their seats and cheered, Naruto sailed two feet forward and ran for the stairs, screaming and panicking all the way. Lee reached his hands behind his head and walked his adrenaline off.

While Sasuke collapsed face first on the grass.

The cheering stopped almost instantly and transformed into a din of shrieking, screaming, tumultuous horror. Kakashi vaulted over the side of the bleachers and dashed onto the track.

Naruto and Lee both beat him.

Naruto frantically turned Sasuke over on his back while the boy in green checked his pulse. "He's out cold!" Lee yelled in Naruto's ear. "Goddammit, I already know that!" the blonde screeched before burying his face in Sasuke's shirt and shaking him.

"Wake up, dumbass! Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

What little breathing Sasuke was able to do was shallow and raspy. His eyes were glazed and halfway closed and his skin was virtually transparent.

It was those arms.

What was with those goddamn arms!?

Naruto screamed in frustration as he tore one of Sasuke's striped arm-warmers off.

There they were. The dots. Those goddamn dots.

Kakashi bent over the three of them and demanded to know what was going on. He then wrenched Sasuke's bare arm out of Naruto's grasp, squinted at it, and said, "Shit."

"Holy shit."

----

Me: And voila. Your wish is granted.

Chibi Gaara: Omfg.

Chibi Neji: Omfug.

Chibi Naruto: -cries-

Me: So how was it, my naughty little donkeys? I know it took me a long time to type up because I'm a whore that way, but hey! Action, action, action!

Chibi Gaara: Worth your time, no?

Me: Lemmesee… we have sudden character death, angst, fluff, angst, fluff and a movie, humor, and more angst!

Chibi Sasuke: And a cliffhanger.

Chibi Naruto: Omigawd you're alive!

Chibi Sasuke: Shit! –dies-

Chibi Neji: Review? As usual, cookies for reviewers. Your input is appreciated. Like the change of tempo? Like the abruptness? The abruptness at the beginning was a literary strategy-effect-thingy by the way. Gives you a jolt.

Me: INTENTIONAL!

Chibi Neji: Riiight…

Chibi Gaara: For cOOkies! Review, review, review!


	22. Beneath the surface

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer:** You never saw this disclaimer. Shhh… Now sleep! Sleeeeeeep…

Me: Omigee. Chapter number twenty two.

Chibi Sakura: And MEEE! I'm in an author's note again! Aren't you happy to see me?

Chibi Naruto: -gags-

Me: Be nice.

Chibi Naruto: -sticks tongue out and makes faces-

Me: I'd like you all to know that I might be doing a prequel to this story. Emmie and I conjured up the concept during an especially competitive match of badminton on my four foot tall lawn. It's about the formation of the Akatsuki among other things, Kyuubi, Naruto's dad, and Itachi's decision to kill his family. I'll squish the yaoi goodness in amongst the humor, action, and characterization so you won't be disappointed.

Chibi Sakura: Once this fanfiction is done, the next one will make tons of connections. Swirl loves clearing things up for her audience later and creating sympathy for villains.

Me: Yep.

Chibi Naruto: Kinda' like Star Wars.

Chibi Sakura: Uh… yeah.

Chibi Gaara: Without further ado, read on! Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 22**

Contrary to the sheer volume of fluorescent lights on the ceiling of the hospital corridor, the hall was very dark. Naruto took note of this after the one hundred and fifteenth time he'd paced down the hall.

Initially, the EMTs wouldn't let him on the ambulance. He persisted. Still, they wouldn't let him on the ambulance. The white vehicle spun its tires and raced away, sirens squealing. Kakashi then coughed suggestively at him and pointed at his car. The silver-haired man left his class under the jurisdiction of Gai and his band of Justice Police as he started up his old blue compact car and drove Naruto out of sight.

So here he was, pacing back and forth in front of Sasuke's hospital door. Kakashi had already informed Tsunade that the two of them were gone, so he had no trouble to worry about from the school. Still, Naruto worried.

Why?

Sasuke was behind that hospital door.

None of the nurses or medical personnel would tell him what was wrong with Sasuke. Thus, Naruto was desperate to get in. He watched the door like a hawk, unblinking, and through sheer power of will, resisted the urge to bust in.

His first reaction was that nothing had happened. Sasuke was playing a trick on him or something. Now, though, Naruto was completely convinced that something was very, _very_ wrong with him. When the paramedics carried him into the ambulance, he was having a seizure-like shivering fit.

What was wrong with him?

Naruto wanted to know, goddammit!

His thoughts were interrupted by a tap on the shoulder. Naruto whipped around, eyes accusing, and found his teacher standing behind him with a sympathetic look in his eye. Lurking behind him was a nurse with a clear, purple, plastic clipboard in her hand and what looked like a paint-splattered sheet over her body. Naruto was not impressed. For the sake of Kakashi, though, he _didn't_ punch her in the face.

"First off," Kakashi droned, "I don't want you to get excited." Naruto raised an eyebrow, silently asking just what he meant. Naruto stiffened up when the statement sent a rush of anxiety through his body. Something was _definitely_ wrong. Kakashi continued, "I don't want any yelling, I don't want any crying, I don't want you throwing a fit. Understood?"

"Are you gonna' tell me what's the matter with Sasuke or not?" Naruto interrupted warningly. The nurse stole an uneasy glance at Kakashi, who nodded. She motioned for the both of them to come with her into an empty room. Naruto instantly sat down on a striped, cushioned chair and said, "Spill it."

The nurse flipped reluctantly and watchfully through her papers. "I've already talked to your teacher," she informed him. Naruto didn't care. "Cut to the chase," he spat. She eyed Kakashi warily before stating, "The cause of your friend's-"

"-boyfriend's," corrected Naruto.

"…Boyfriend's… collapse was a severe case of pneumonia," the nurse explained. Naruto's eyes bulged. Pneumonia? That's what Sasuke had? The nurse took a deep breath and continued, "Upon further investigation, we found several… collapsed veins on his wrists."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked. Kakashi slid an arm around his shoulders right then, causing Naruto to look up skeptically. The gesture was obviously meant to comfort and to restrain if need be. This set the alarms in Naruto's head on the fritz. "Okay," he gulped, "What's going on?"

"Collapsed veins," Kakashi began, "are a symptom of frequent injection of a substance into a single area."

Naruto eyed him, trying to make sense of it all. Injections? Of what? Of… what…

Oh no.

No.

"No," denied Naruto. The nurse took a breath and said, "We found traces of alcohol in his bloodstream. We also found traces of an opiate narcotic."

Naruto shook his head disbelievingly. Kakashi nodded. "Did you ever go into Sasuke's room?" he asked. Naruto blinked once, blinked twice, then admitted stupidly, "Yeah…" Kakashi nodded again, radiating calmness, and asked, "Did you ever get a good look around?"

"No…" said Naruto, "He didn't like people in his room…"

Naruto remembered when he jumped on Sasuke in his bed and he ended up being shouted out of the room. He remembered the little red scabs on Sasuke's arms. "I saw something on his arm once," Naruto reflected, "He got really mad at me, like he was scared of something." Naruto quickly added, "Then he was really nice the rest of the day," in Sasuke's defense.

Kakashi shook his head, squeezing Naruto's shoulder, and said, "He was hiding heroin in his room."

Naruto's eye twitched, he gritted his teeth, slapped Kakashi's hand off of his shoulder, cried, and ran screaming out of the room.

----

Sasuke woke up.

Sasuke's bed smelled funny.

Sasuke tried to get out of bed.

Sasuke couldn't get out of bed.

Sasuke wondered why he couldn't get out of bed.

Sasuke knew that if he didn't get out of bed, he'd be late for school.

Sasuke saw a nurse.

Sasuke-

Wait. A nurse? What the hell was a nurse doing in his room? Since when were his walls beige-colored? Since when was this… thing, this beeping, shrieking _thing_ beside his bed? Since when were there tubes in his wrists?

Wait. If there were tubes in his wrists, that meant that his arm-warmers were off. If his arm-warmers were off and a nurse was in the room, she could see!

Sasuke jolted upward with a choked sigh and found that he couldn't breathe. His lungs felt as if they were full of water and a cold wave had come over him suddenly. This wasn't good. The nurse was running over to him, yelling something.

Another one came into the room.

They both started yelling.

Sasuke's ears hurt.

He wished Naruto was there. She'd windmill kick them both in the face. Come to think of it, where was Naruto? If he could have rolled his eyes at himself without causing himself excessive pain, he would have. Why would Naruto be in his room? Why would nurses be in his room?

The answer came to him.

Two, actually.

One was that he was taking part in an episode of The Twilight Zone. The other was…

That he wasn't really in his room.

…

Oh, shit.

----

Naruto had been in the midst of running past Sasuke's door when a terrifying yell came from inside the room. He skidded to a halt on the carpet, almost to the point of making it spark, and barged into the room, military style. Naruto was so high strung and full of adrenaline that he didn't pay attention to the door he'd just broken.

"Sasuke!" he barked, eyes flitting around the room at a hundred miles an hour.

What if Sasuke was hurt?

What if he was dying?

Was Sasuke dying?

As Naruto stalked through the room, effectively scaring the shit out of the already shrieking nurses, Kakashi burst through the doorway and yelled his name over the tumult. Did Naruto care?

No.

Sasuke was in here.

He was…

Around the corner.

Attached to that giant… thing.

In a hospital bed.

Suffering.

Once Naruto had located what appeared to be two feet poking up from a white blanket just beyond a tower of hospital equipment, he sobered up. Oblivious to the noise of two nurses, one doctor, and an agitated Kakashi, Naruto walked around the pile of machinery.

Things started to become apparent in his head. So… the reason Sasuke was here was because he collapsed. He couldn't breathe because he had pneumonia. The reason he had pneumonia was that he was…

A heroin addict.

And those little dots were injection sites on his arms. Then those big, puffy veins were the collapsed ones.

…

Why?

Why!?

Naruto could have done something! If only he'd taken the _fucking_ hint! Sasuke was sick. He hid in his room. He had dots on his arms. Why didn't Naruto connect the facts and do something about it?

As he rounded the corner, his heart broke. There was Sasuke, white as his hospital gown, gripping the sides of his bed like a caged animal. His dark eyes were sharp with apprehension and his hair glistened with sweat.

Naruto almost felt timid. Sasuke looked positively dangerous. However, it was apparent that he was in need of some sort of comfort. What would he do if Naruto got near him, though? Would he get mad?

Naruto decided that he didn't care. Sasuke needed him whether he knew it or not. He took a cautious step toward the Uchiha, who was now staring at him as if he'd grown another arm out of his face. "Hey," said Naruto.

Sasuke sank back into his sheets and sighed. Naruto took this to be a sign of progress since the Uchiha wasn't glaring at him anymore. The dark-haired boy raised both arms and covered his face with his hands. Naruto could tell by the shaky, despairing sighs that he was humiliated beyond belief.

Pride was definitely a priority with Sasuke. It was sad, but he had a very good reason. He needed to save face and look fierce in the face of his brother, regardless of whether or not Itachi was a ghost. He needed to show the world that he was _not_ weak and the most powerful family in Konoha was still standing tall. Naruto feared this humiliation would kill him.

Naruto walked closer still, his sympathy growing by the second, and almost cried. Sasuke had rolled away from him and stuffed his face in a pillow. He had absolutely no faith that Naruto would forgive him, did he?

He had no faith that the world would forgive him.

Somewhere, down some dark avenue, amongst the rats and the ravens, Itachi was laughing.

Naruto dared to creep up to Sasuke's bedside. The ebony-haired Uchiha didn't move. The only sign that he was awake was the sudden tensing underneath Naruto's gaze. He was wincing away from him like Naruto was the flames of hell.

And it hurt!

Now was not the time, though, to be criticizing Sasuke's lack of trust.

It was the time to criticize how he kept it a secret. He was Naruto's _boyfriend_! Wasn't he supposed to tell him everything? Wasn't he supposed to _not_ keep secrets anymore? This wasn't just a secret, it was a disaster! Sasuke could have died of overdose!

Naruto carefully sat down on the edge of Sasuke's bed. Thinking some more to fill the silence, he figured that it wasn't in Naruto's place to ridicule Sasuke on hiding what he was.

Sasuke did think Naruto was a girl, after all.

…

Naruto was going to hide it for as long as he could, but one of these days, Sasuke was going to find out. Finding out something about someone was the worst thing Naruto had ever experienced. Just like he found out that Sasuke was a heroin addict. It hurt because Sasuke hadn't told him.

The exact same thing was going to happen to Naruto. Sasuke would get left hanging, receiving second-hand news that, 'guess what! Your girlfriend isn't a _girl_friend at all!'

Gulping down a bubble of apprehension, Naruto scooted closer to Sasuke. He opened his lips to speak, but the words got caught in his throat and he had to swallow them back down again. Movement in his peripheral vision caused Naruto to look to his left. Kakashi was standing there, ready to act if something were to go wrong. Naruto appreciated the wall he was making between them and the hospital-ites. He turned his eyes back on Sasuke.

"Uh," Naruto managed after two minutes of saying nothing, "Sas-" hiccup! Dammit! Naruto was gonna' cry! The bridge of his nose started to sting and pressure built up behind his eyes. He brought his lower lip up to keep it from shaking, but his fists adopted the habit in its stead.

Slowly, almost dreamily slowly, Sasuke's face appeared. His eyes glittered wetly and guilt was plastered all over his face. He was leaning on one arm, tubes and all, and looking every bit like he'd died and had been waiting the last thousand years for his judgment.

Against every good reason Naruto could think of, he threw himself at Sasuke. "Teme!" he screeched, tears flowing freely across smudged whisker marks, "You should have told me!" hiccup, "I was so-" snivel, hic, "worried about you!"

He buried his face in Sasuke's chest, deaf to Kakashi's distant, disapproving yells.

Sasuke said nothing, sooner than Naruto knew it, though, he was being crushed. But… it was a nice, warm, and fierce kind of crushed.

Sasuke was hugging him just as hard.

----

Sasuke didn't keep track of how long they stayed like that. He didn't care. Every second Naruto was there was enough to keep him sane. He had never, _ever_ appreciated her soft, warm presence more than in that moment. The scene had changed. Sasuke's surroundings had disappeared and thrown him into this limbo on earth.

But Naruto was still there.

Her bright, neon blonde hair was still there. Her unraveling flower barrette was still there. Her hot pink fingernails were still painted. Her smoky, cheap perfume smell still wafted in the air.

Sasuke was a selfish, foolish bastard, and Naruto had shown up to cry for him.

For how long?

How long would it take for her to leave? How long would it take for her to realize that Sasuke had been lying to her? How long would it take before she realized that he'd thrown his own, worthless life away?

It was true. One only knew the value of what he had right before he lost it.

Furiously blinking mist out of his eyes and ignoring the creaking pain in his limbs, he held her tighter. He had to squeeze every last drop of bliss out of the moment before Naruto slipped through his fingers.

She'd leave.

And Sasuke would be alone.

They were both lying on their sides now, huddled in the middle of the one-person hospital bed. Naruto's fluffy little head was nestled into the space between Sasuke's jaw and his collarbone while Sasuke had buried his nose in Naruto's hair. He had torn some of the tubes and patches off of his arms in order to conform to the change in position. He knew that everyone in the room was yelling at someone else to separate Naruto from him and to hook him back up, but he ignored them.

If any hand reached out and tried to take Naruto away from him, Sasuke would rip it off.

A deep sigh came from the body beside his. "Why'd you do it?" the little blonde squeaked. Not trusting his voice, Sasuke shook his head in a gesture that said he didn't know.

He didn't know.

Not only was an addiction unhelpful, but it also proved to Itachi that his little brother was a spineless coward who'd dug in too deep and couldn't dig back out by himself. It was proof that Sasuke was weak.

Initially, Sasuke had adopted the habit as a way to make his memories disappear. In time, it became a hobby. Later still, it became a habit impossible to break.

An addiction.

And Sasuke was never going to get rid of it.

Anger welled up inside of his chest, festered, and blossomed into a horrific, grotesque, Venus flytrap of wrath. That was right. Sasuke had eaten up his own demise every night. He'd jabbed evil straight into his blood and become the maestro of his own funeral dirge.

And he'd thrown Naruto away. He may not have known it then, but by God, he knew it now. Every chance he might have had with _anyone _was run through.

Especially Naruto.

He'd ruined her trust and mutilated it beyond recognition.

So why?

Why was she still there, clinging to him as if her life depended on it? Why was she _still_ crying? Why did she have to make it so hard to say goodbye when she was going to walk off anyway? She had no future whatsoever with Sasuke, so why didn't she just get it the _fuck _over with and LEAVE!?

As if she was empathic, the blonde sensed the tumultuous turmoil inside of Sasuke. She looked up at him with her enormous, beautiful, sky-blue eyes and sniffled, "What's wrong?"

Sasuke wrenched his arms off of her and backed away, almost to the point of falling off the edge of the bed.

"Naruto," he stated hoarsely, "don't you understand what I am?"

Innocent as ever, Naruto's eyes glittered with tears again and she wrung the edge of Sasuke's sheets in her fingers. She stretched the fabric out in her fingers, gulped down a sob, raised her head, and looked Sasuke dead in the eyes. "I know exactly what you are," she accused with a tear running down her cheek. Then, against every scenario Sasuke had envisioned, her eyes gleamed mischievously and her lips turned in the prelude to a sympathetic smile.

"You're Sasuke."

Sasuke blinked several times, processing the response. Confusion struck him like a meteor, headache and all. She was supposed to hate him.

_HATE_ him!

Sasuke's fists shook at his side.

"I'll tell you what I am, Naruto," Sasuke shouted, "I'm a _fucking_ heroin addict! A junkie! A shit-headed, spineless, fucking-ass loser!" He drew in a sharp breath for the second half of his tirade, "I know you know! So why?" He grabbed Naruto's shoulders and shook her viciously, "Why are you still here!?"

She sobbed, "What are you-"

Sasuke interrupted her by shoving one wrist underneath her nose, ripping out everything that had ever been attached to it. "This!" he shrieked, gripping his own arm with pressure that made his bones squeal.

Naruto seemed to consider the arm. She looked Sasuke's wrist up and down, back and forth, sweeping it with her eyes. She was scrutinizing every mark; every scab. Every puffy, blue line. Sasuke was dumbfounded when, at the height of his rage, his girlfriend pushed his arm away.

Naruto looked up at him, cross-legged and child-looking as ever. Pointedly, she poked at the disregarded arm and said, "That's your arm, Sasuke." She then closed her eyes and contentedly wrapped her arms around his waist again.

"This is you."

Sasuke raised his arms off of the mattress, alarmed. Chaos still swam in his head. Any normal person would have seen by then that there was no convincing Sasuke that he was anything but a failure. Naruto, however, continually proved to him that she was anything but normal.

So… she didn't…

"You're not mad?" Sasuke inquired wearily. Naruto shook her head into his hospital gown. She breathed a lungful of air and released it calmly through her nose. "I don't care." Sasuke's posture lost its rigidity and his upper body started to slump. "It doesn't matter," she soothed, "because you're okay. That's all I care about."

Sasuke shook his head, "What?"

Naruto pushed herself off of him and smiled, red trails still blazing down her face, "Forgive and forget, Teme. That's what couples do."

The corners of Sasuke's lips turned slowly upward in the most genuine smile of affection he'd felt in years. Life was going to go on. Naruto was going to stay.

Sasuke wasn't going to be alone.

Suddenly, someone started to clap. Startled, Sasuke noticed that the room was deathly quiet.

It appeared that their little soap opera had an audience…

"If you're through," a humorously flat voice drawled. There was faithful old Kakashi, lurking in the shadow by the window. He made a hitch-hiking gesture with his thumb, pointed over his shoulder, and said, "Naruto, your mom's here to see you."

----

Mom?

Naruto grumbled balefully. What a perfect way to end a perfect moment. He turned back around and gave the misguided Uchiha his sunniest of smiles. He'd ignore his mom for as long as he could.

Kakashi herded nurses, doctors, and bystanders alike away from the door. Meanwhile, Naruto gazed lovingly into Sasuke's eyes and was met with a similar leer of affection. Their disagreement couldn't have gone better.

No, seriously.

With the way Sasuke was freaking out, that was the best Naruto could get.

The both of them leaned in, slowly and surely, until Naruto's forehead was resting on Sasuke's. Their lips never made contact, but Naruto felt that the sudden closeness he was able to feel to Sasuke was worth more than all the kisses in the world. After a while, Sasuke's nose brushed against Naruto's and Naruto ruined the moment by immediately turning it into a game.

In no time, the both of them were engaged in a competition to see who could knock who off of the mattress first.

So engaged, in fact, that neither of them noticed the approving shadow in the back of the room calling them both star-struck lunatics.

Kakashi made a show of noisily clearing his throat. Reluctantly, Naruto resisted the urge to bite Sasuke's ear and push him over while he was distracted. Once he had their attention, Kakashi droned, "Fun's over." His single visible eye focused on Sasuke. "Sasuke," he addressed, "Sadly, you've got to be hooked back into that machine over there." He then spoke to Naruto, saying, "I think you'll be happy to know that your mom just saw everything you two have been doing for the past twenty minutes."

Naruto's eyes twitched simultaneously.

"Yes. Even your lovely little soap opera. You deserve an Oscar, did I tell you that?"

Naruto grinned impishly, "You can only win an Oscar if you're _acting_, sensei."

Kakashi nodded thoughtfully. "True, true. I'll be waiting outside." Naruto followed his line of sight to the spot just on the other side of the machine. His mom must've been over there.

No sooner had Kakashi left than Kyuubi popped her head over the tower of monitoring equipment. "Helloooo lovebirds!" she twittered, "Naruto, can I talk to you outside for a moment?"

Nurses started appearing at Kyuubi's side, passing her and heading for Sasuke. Naruto eyed them cautiously. He looked to Sasuke for any sign that he was fine on his own. The Uchiha gave him a nod. The two of them shared a short goodbye kiss before Naruto hesitantly followed his mother out the door.

Once outside, Naruto crossed his arms suspiciously and said, "What?"

Kyuubi smiled at him and bent down to his level. To Naruto's surprise, her cerulean eyes were full of admiration. "I'm proud of you," she beamed, patting her son on the shoulder. In spite of himself, Naruto grinned shyly, "Really?"

Kyuubi nodded. "Your dad and I also kept a lot of secrets from one another when we first met."

Naruto could only wonder what those secrets were.

She continued, accentuating her voice with a pat on the shoulder. "Some secrets are worth keeping, but some will come back and bite you in the ass," she shook her head disarmingly, laughing, "Your dad forgave me for more than you know."

More than he'd ever know at this rate…

But Naruto couldn't bring himself to be mad at her. She was speaking from her heart and Naruto felt that it was his duty to listen.

"Sometimes," she sighed, "we need to keep secrets in order to protect ourselves. Sometimes we need to keep secrets in order to recognize one when we see one."

"…and sometimes we need to keep secrets in order to learn how to let them go."

Naruto blinked. She was going into an awful lot of detail.

Then, he noticed that Kyuubi wasn't looking out at him.

She was looking in.

She was looking at herself. Criticizing herself. Naruto smiled wryly. "Y' know," he chided, "half of the time I think you're talking to yourself."

"Half of the time I am," stated his mom with a perfectly straight-face and a nod of the head.

Naruto laughed. Kyuubi giggled with him. The moment of seriousness passed without incident.

In the midst of all the laughing, Naruto remembered something. "Hey mom!" he piped up, "can I ask you something."

"No," said Kyuubi.

"Can Sasuke stay with us when he gets out of the hospital?"

"No."

"Thanks," Naruto grinned. He turned to skip back into the room when his mom grabbed his arm. Alarmed and cautious, Naruto turned around. Kyuubi was looking at him in a slightly more stern way.

Okay… maybe she wasn't kidding.

"You know that he won't be out of the hospital for a while, don't you?" she asked.

"Yeah," confirmed Naruto while he drew on the floor with the toe of his shoe.

"And you know that he'll have to go to rehab, don't you?"

Naruto looked up briefly, "He can have outpatient treatment, can't he?"

Kyuubi shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Even if he could, he wouldn't be able to stay with us. He's a minor. He needs to have the permission of a guardian or of the court to stay with us."

"His guardian was buried along with the legal system," Naruto deadpanned.

"Oh, the poor thing!" Kyuubi exclaimed.

"The legal system?"

"No! His guardian. How did that happen?"

"Got run over in the middle of the night."

"Goodness." Kyuubi considered her options for a time. Finally, she said, "If the man with legal jurisdiction over him and the court are both nonexistent, I suppose we could get away with kidnapping him."

Naruto nodded feverishly.

Kyuubi clapped him heartily on the shoulder and said, "Glad we're in agreement."

----

The following weeks were extremely peculiar. Sasuke had insisted that he not be expelled from school and was willing to pay off Tsunade in order to accomplish his goal. This may have been due to the fact that he was on morphine and valium most of the time, but nevertheless, the offer stood.

Tsunade ate it up.

His homework was sent to his hospital room, where he scrawled most of it out. The rest was normally drawn out in the form of a great, graphite scribble-monster in the center of the page when Sasuke was high on something. He always got them back with one hundred percents drawn in red at the corner of the page.

Sasuke later learned that this was because Tsunade had lost a bet with his money and every teacher was now given the privilege of issuing him a perfect grade on his scribble-papers.

Sasuke was very pleased.

Then, through much argumentation and pie-throwing on Kyuubi's part, Sasuke was not sent to a drug therapy center. He was issued outpatient treatment. He went to a private counselor, under cover of darkness and vow of silence to keep the media-rats from suspecting, and discussed his thoughts. When the meeting was done, he was given a dose ofBuprenorphine to keep his withdrawal symptoms at bay. He had two tablets of the drug a day. It wasn't nearly as good… er… bad as heroin was.

Shut up.

…

It tasted horrible, but it got the job done. Kyuubi was giving him normal pain medication to stop the aches in his arms and legs as well.

Speaking of her, she'd somehow managed to get some sort of guardianship over him. Kyuubi maintained quite fervently that Sasuke was by no means a part of the family. She was just taking care of him for the time being. It sounded harsh, but Sasuke suspected it was because she knew it would be wrong for him to date Naruto if they were both members of the same family.

That was just… eww.

Since Sasuke was still in no condition to return to school, his homework was now sent to Naruto's house. While Naruto was at school, Sasuke was able to complete it with considerably less scribble-monsters. His brain was slowly beginning to focus on something other than heroin. His body ached from time to time and he repeatedly poked a fork at his arm. Sasuke was used to the sensation, so the pinpoint pressure on his wrists was comforting.

That morning, he hadn't woken up lying inside the Couch Which Ate Human Flesh. Naruto had moved all of her stuff out of the room to its current location in the living room. Sasuke's clothes were moved into her dresser and hers were moved onto the television case. Her room now belonged to Sasuke. He was hesitant to push her out of her own room, but Kyuubi did it for him.

It was now Naruto who had to tame the Couch Which Ate Human Flesh.

Yawning and stretching in two vertical feet of orange quilts, Sasuke wormed his way out of bed. He checked the digital dolphin clock on Naruto's nightstand and noticed with disdain that it was two in the morning. He wasn't surprised. He was used to waking up in the middle of the night for a fix.

Stretching and cracking his back, Sasuke rose out of bed and made his pilgrimage to the refrigerator. As he navigated down the stairs in partial darkness, he looked over the banister to see Naruto and the Couch.

Naruto was not 'one with the Couch,' so to speak. As a matter of fact, the couch was perfectly straight. Odd. Somehow, Naruto had made peace with the couch.

Not wanting to wake her up, Sasuke continued toward the kitchen. He took a glass out of the cupboard and withdrew a carton of milk from the great, white, magnetic monolith which paid homage to the great god Kenmore. He poured the milk into the glass, replaced the carton, and then sat down at Naruto's dining table to contemplate the meaning of life.

Sasuke couldn't believe Kyuubi's hospitality. For all the shit he'd been spitting at her lately, she was much nicer than he credited. She even bothered to wash the dishes completely, just for him. The first day he'd seen Naruto's silverware, Sasuke covered his eyes and pretended it didn't exist. Now it was glittering, metallic, and delightfully free of crust. The glasses were crystal clear and the plates no longer smelled like dog.

He took another drink of milk from the nice, non-splattered glass. He sighed.

Sasuke wished it was beer.

In the midst of all his heroin-hullabaloo, it was difficult to remember that he was also something of a recovering borderline alcoholic. Almost. His alcohol problem was no match for his heroin problem, but Sasuke found himself missing his whiskey.

This underlying problem was the cause of him grabbing a glass of milk. As dissimilar to beer as it tasted, Sasuke liked having something he could swirl around in a glass and take a swig of. Lately, he'd been using sour grape juice and year-old apple juice to fool his appetite, but Naruto had been out of it for several days and Kyuubi had yet to make a trip to the grocery store.

Like a bolt from the blue, a pillow had unceremoniously hit Sasuke in the side of the head. It didn't hurt, but it left Sasuke slightly stunned. He downed the last of his milk and abandoned the empty glass in favor of the chosen weapon of assault. He found the pillow beneath the dining table and picked it up.

It had a faded fox from an old Disney movie printed on it.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

Naruto.

Knowing her, she'd be too ninja to stay on the Couch, out in the open. What bothered Sasuke, though, was that the Couch made no noise. Sasuke hissed. The Couch was in league with Naruto. The trajectory of the pillow and the angle of impact also made it impossible to have been thrown from that direction. He examined the pillow further. There was a relatively large drool spot in the middle of the fox's face, meaning she hadn't been awake long.

Hmmm…

She was fast.

Sasuke dropped the pillow and went into stealth mode. He crept beneath the table, ignoring the pain that shot up through the tibias in both of his legs. Now was not the time to go into withdrawal.

Not with a ninja on the prowl.

Friggin' orange ninja.

Orange _fox_ ninja.

Something squeaked.

Sasuke strained his vision in the direction of the sound, but couldn't see anything. Quickly, he slunk out from beneath the table and flicked the lights on. In the place where the noise came from, there was an unusually pink teddy bear.

The art of substitution.

Hmmmm…

He flicked the lights back off.

Sasuke's remaining minutes in the dark were eerily quiet. He did one last sweep of the kitchen with the lights on before flicking them off again and stalking up the stairs. He snuck up on all fours, careful to distribute his weight evenly across the floor in order to avoid creaks.

Adrenaline pumping, he swung the door to the bedroom open and switched the lights on.

Nothing.

He searched the closet and found nothing. He searched under the bed and found nothing. He burrowed into his blankets and found nothing. Figuring, he stood in the direct center of the room with a thumb to his chin.

She wasn't here.

She wasn't in the kitchen.

She probably wasn't hiding in the bathroom: The tiles were too cold for her feet.

That left her mother's room, which Sasuke wouldn't enter even if it was the gateway to heaven. Naruto wouldn't go in there. The door creaked when it opened and she knew Sasuke would never set foot in it. She wanted to play with him, so she would hide somewhere more agreeable.

She was in the living room. Sasuke cursed himself for not seeing it sooner. He could have gone to bed right then, but the probability of Naruto attacking him as he slept was extraordinarily high.

Sasuke only had one choice: To seek her out and find her before she found him.

He slithered back down the stairs in a manner that would have made Orochimaru swoon and situated himself in the small space between the Couch and the wall.

He listened for a long time, but heard nothing.

She was good.

Too good…

Sasuke crept out of his hiding place and immediately sought shelter in the shadow of the coffee table. His nerves were starting to itch and his bones were all beginning to feel as if they were being crushed. This was decidedly bad. In pain like this, Sasuke couldn't pay full attention to his mission. Naruto could attack him from all sides.

Speaking of which…

Sasuke ducked just in time for a tarantula plushie to go screaming over his head. Its plastic eyes hit the wall with a loud clack and it fell behind the Couch. Using his knowledge of Naruto's height and the manner in which the spider hit the wall, Sasuke was able to pinpoint the location from which the toy was flung. He pounced on the spot near the radiator, but alas, there was no one there.

The art of illusion.

That only meant that…

Sasuke looked up and quirked an inquisitive eyebrow.

That meant that she was on the ceiling. And she was.

Oh my God.

Naruto was on the ceiling.

"What the fuck are you doing up there?" Sasuke hissed. Naruto slumped toward the floor, defeated. "I climbed up here," she said.

"How?"

"The stereo."

Sasuke did a short recon of the stereo. It was tall enough for Naruto to climb on it and get on top of her mom's hutch. Sasuke seriously doubted that her ceiling fan was strong enough to hold her up, though.

"Get down," he demanded.

"Yes sir!" Naruto barked with a mock salute. Sasuke hovered near when she removed her toes from the blades of the fan and dangled three feet off the ground. She looked helplessly at him and said, "This is definitely going to wake up my mom."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and said, "Too late for that." He held his arms out and continued, "I'll catch you."

Naruto watched him skeptically. "I'm not stupid. Your legs hurt. Your arms too."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "If I drop you, it's not going to be because my arms hurt. It's going to be because you're _fat._"

Naruto glared at him. "You know what? Just for that, I'm gonna' fuckin' _belly flop_ on your ass!"

Sasuke interpreted this as Naruto's good humor and never took it seriously.

Until she dropped on him like a suicidal hippopotamus.

----

The instant he'd done it, he felt terrible. He could feel Sasuke's spine squeaking as he fell. Naruto rolled off of Sasuke once he was sure there was nowhere left to fall and said, "Ohmigawsh, areyouokay?"

"My God," choked the Uchiha, "You really are fat."

Naruto fluffed up his proverbial feathers in a puff of ire and let out a displeased 'harrumph.'

Just then, heralded by the monstrous creaking of the door and sudden blare of the lights, Kyuubi emerged from her lair.

And a two thirty in the morning, she breathed fire.

"Naruto!" she harped, orange hair in a halo of bed-head around her face. The little, helpless Uzumaki oozed into the floor and tip-toed behind the recliner. He waited for the storm to pass, but with his luck, the storm would come looking for him anyway.

"Sasuke!" Kyuubi's voice squealed upon seeing the injured Uchiha lying prostrate on the carpet, "What happened to you?"

Sasuke pointed an accusing finger at Naruto. "It jumped on me."

Naruto drew one eyelid down with one finger, stretched the corner of his lips out with another, and stuck his tongue out in a very mature display of displeasure.

Kyuubi thundered over to his position like every bit of the furious dragon she was and, without much warning, proceeded to spit flames at him. She scolded him about various things including Sasuke's condition, the state of the fan, and the waffle he'd eaten a long time ago. Naruto crouched in his spot with two hands over his ears and prayed to whatever god that his mom wouldn't eat him.

Meanwhile, Sasuke had gotten up off of the floor without much effort and was brushing dust off of the seat of his pajamas.

Lucky bastard.

When Kyuubi's tirade was over, Sasuke was halfway up the stairs. She turned to and started fawning over him, asking whether or not he was really okay. Sasuke waved her off and hobbled up the stairs. Naruto and Kyuubi peered after him for quite some time, neither of them believing a word that he said. Kyuubi turned back around and growled, "Was he like that before you jumped on him?"

"Yeah," Naruto defended, "I didn't wanna' jump on him 'cuz he looked like his legs hurt."

"So you did it anyway?" Kyuubi barked.

"He called me fat!" whined Naruto.

Kyuubi looked him up and down with a critical eye and said, "Eat much more ramen and he'll be right."

Naruto sulked.

His mother ignored him and turned her attention to Sasuke's room. "I'm going to go see if he needs anything," she informed Naruto before marching purposefully up the stairs. Naruto was finally left alone again.

Alone with the Couch Which Ate Human Flesh.

Naruto cast the carnivorous piece of furniture a withering glance. When Naruto was five, he proposed a truce to the Couch.

The Couch accepted.

It had been keeping up its half of the bargain, but Naruto wondered how much longer the armistice would last. It was a peculiar couch. It was an upholstered nightmare whose past was shrouded in darkness. Naruto once asked why Kyuubi never replaced it. She hadn't said that they were too poor for another couch, as Naruto would have thought.

She said that the Couch was a blast from the past.

It was a dinosaur, that was sure. Modern day couches weren't so cumbersome, humongous, and didn't have nearly as many teeth. The modern couch had evolved from the Couch Which Ate Human Flesh.

When Naruto politely asked her to elaborate, Kyuubi said that the Couch once belonged to a friend. When Naruto asked her if said friend was dead or something, she laughed quite humorlessly and disappeared into her room for the rest of the day.

Naruto hadn't asked her since.

Kyuubi glided back down the stairs as if she belonged in a palace and proudly said that Sasuke was in desperate need of an aspirin. She vanished into the doorway of her room for a split second before popping out, aspirin bottle held on high, and oozing back up the stairs.

Naruto rolled his eyes, approached the Couch, glared it down in silent warning of the things to come if their truce was broken, and sat carefully on the edge of the cushion.

The Couch did not budge.

Happily, Naruto bounced into it, testing its resolve.

Once again, the ancient piece of furniture honored its promise. Naruto settled into his blankets and yawned. He grabbed another pillow from his stack and quickly made himself comfortable.

Moments later, Kyuubi hopped happily down the stairs and skipped into her bedroom.

The house was quiet.

Ending a long, rough couple of weeks, Naruto went to sleep.

----

When Sasuke awoke the next morning, Naruto had already gone to school. Sasuke figured this since Naruto's clock read eight thirty two. He stretched and wriggled once again out of bed. Bunny-slippers blazing, he marched down the stairs.

The house was still quiet.

Either Kyuubi wasn't awake yet, or she'd left. Sasuke hoped the latter was true. As nice as Kyuubi was, Sasuke was still a mite suspicious about her trickery concerning news channels. It was also pretty creepy and awkward to be alone in house with someone else's parents. Sasuke didn't know how to act or what to say, so he and Kyuubi spent most of their time at opposite ends of the house. Sasuke would normally be in Naruto's room doing his homework and Kyuubi would be downstairs with the stereo blasting.

Sasuke went to the refrigerator for another glass of milk when he noticed a yellow sticky note dangling lopsidedly from the handle.

_Sasuke: Went to work. Waffles in the freezer. Cereal on the shelf beneath the dishes. Milk in the fridge._

As if Sasuke needed to be reminded where everything was.

_Someone coming to check our lawn. White van. Don't need to answer the door._

_-Kyuubi_

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow at the note, but didn't think much about it. He crumpled it up and tossed it in the garbage.

Later in the day, when he was sitting in bed, doing his geometry homework, there was a knock at the door. Sasuke remembered the information in the note and let it slide. He turned back to his especially confusing math problem. When he heard noises outside, he couldn't help but spy out of Naruto's window.

A guy in a baseball cap was moseying around just below the window. The bill of his hat obscured Sasuke's view of him and consequently his view of Sasuke. He was punching holes in the ground, just like any lawn fertilizing company would do.

Nothing suspicious.

Sasuke went back to his homework.

Not long after, he heard the distinct sound of the back gate squeaking open.

Odd.

The last thing that weedy backyard needed was fertilizer. Sasuke coughed, closed his geometry book and tip-toed out of the room. Near the stairs, there was a window that looked into the backyard. Sasuke peered out from his vantage point.

There was no one there.

The creaky metal-on-metal sound screeched into existence again and vanished. Whoever it was wasn't in the backyard any longer. Sasuke furtively slunk down the stairs and crawled into the living room.

He hid behind the Couch and searched the window for suspicious activity. The man had climbed back into the driver's seat of the van and was no longer clearly visible.

It then occurred to Sasuke that there was usually more than one person in a van like that. It also occurred to him that the uniform the man had been wearing appeared unusually small.

It didn't add up.

When the van drove out of sight, Sasuke stole into the basement and hurried toward the back door. Something was stuck to the glass. At first, it looked like a receipt. Sasuke cautiously opened the door and ripped the note off.

There was something written on it.

_We are very pleased to announce that your lawn is healthy. Just_

_Know that _

_Where and when_

_You water your lawn are very important. _

_Live green!_

And there was a logo on the bottom. A clump of grass which looked like a four-fingered cartoon hand. Henry and Company. Sasuke looked the note over and over. It didn't seem suspicious. Why did he stick it on the back door though?

_That_ was suspicious.

He took the note up to the kitchen and dropped it on the counter where Kyuubi could read it if she so desired.

Clearing his throat and re-seating himself on Naruto's bed, Sasuke quietly and diligently completed his homework.

----

Chibi Sakura: Wows. Serious, to drama, to comedy, to parody, to serious again.

Chibi Naruto: If Sasuke was a heroin addict, things wouldn't go this well!

Me: I can dream. In my (semi) perfect world, I can do whatever I want!

Chibi Sasuke: I hate you.

Me: -pokes Sasuke with a fork-

Chibi Sasuke: Do it again!

Chibi Sakura: So. Like it? Love it? Want to murder it and burn its corpse? Review!

Me: Cookies for reviewers, as always.

Chibi Gaara: -reads business note- this is really weird.

Me: Well, duh! Kind of obvious, isn't it? Beneath the beneath.

Chibi Kakashi: Actually, it's underneath the underneath.

Me: Whatever.

Chibi Gaara: You know the drill! Review, review, review!


	23. The Grave of Dreams

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto-ttebayo!

Chibi Naruto: Omg-ttebayo.

Chibi Sasuke: Why the hell are you doing that?

Chibi Naruto: It's my thing-ttebayo!

Chibi Sasuke: Stop.

Me: I've just noticed how many weird speech tendencies Naruto characters have.

Chibi Deidara: -pops out of nowhere in particular- Like mine, yeah.

Chibi Hidan: -follows suit- Seriously, man.

Me: Kisame's kinda' polite in a weird way too. Have you seen Shippuuden? He friggin' laughs while he talks! Annoying and awesomely cool at the same time.

Chibi Kisame: Now that's just a big, fat lie! –snicker-

Chibi Naruto: Kinda' annoying-ttebayo.

Me: Actually, I love it.

Chibi Sasuke: You can't be serious.

Chibi Hidan: Seriously.

Chibi Sasuke: Stop, dammit!

Me: Oh grow up. If you had a speech thing it would be –angst, angst, angst.

Chibi Sasuke: Shut up!

Me: Anyway, welcome to another chapter of JLH. Sit back and enjoy the show!

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 23**

_Gaara was scared._

_He'd been woken out of his half-sleep in the middle of the night by a shuffling of feet upstairs. Intrigued by the noise, he'd crept up the steps and taken a peek into the living room. Gaara could hear the sound of the car running from outside the open front door. The sound that caught his attention, however, had been created by his mom. She was hurriedly scampering about the floor, trying her best to be quiet and failing._

_Perhaps she was being quiet enough not to wake anyone. Gaara, however, had never been asleep._

_His mom made noise like this every once in a while. Gaara always assumed that she was just getting something to eat in the middle of the night._

_Not so._

_She seemed almost frantic this time. She was fixing her hair, changing into her pants, gulping a glass of orange juice, and hissing into the phone at the same time. "You have a _what_ waiting for me?" she giggled quietly._

_Gaara, wondering excitedly what this was all about, scurried back down the stairs and tip-toed into Temari's open room. He slunk across the old, multicolored carpet and reached for the phone on her nightstand. Careful not to make a sound, he picked the phone up and eavesdropped._

"_Sasori!" his mom's voice stammered, "You shouldn't have!"_

_Sasori? Who was that? She'd better not have been cheating on Dad! Even though he wasn't around most of the time… _

"_No, it's quite alright," a bored male voice stated, "Your husband felt it was necessary."_

_Oh good. Dad thought it was okay… whatever 'it' was. Gaara really wanted to know what they were talking about! Judging from the bounce in his mom's voice, 'it' was something good._

"_How sweet of him!" she giggled, "He's never remembered our anniversary before! I always had to remind him!"_

_An-ni-vur-sur-ee? What was that? Was it like a birthday? Was she going to a party? Were there going to be presents? _

_A third voice joined the chorus. "Hey! We're throwing you two love-birds a party, yeah." His mom giggled, "Will I like it?"_

_The third voice laughed, "Baby, this is gonna' blow your mind."_

_Gaara remembered the car outside. She was getting dressed so she could go to a party!_

_Gaara wanted to go too._

_He slowly and softly hung up the phone before tip-toe-sprinting back up the stairs. He crouched near the railing, beyond view, and slowly crawled to the door._

_Gaara snickered. Wouldn't Mom be shocked when he popped out of the back seat and surprised her! Plus, if there were going to be cake and presents, Gaara wasn't going to be left out._

_Once he was out in the yard, he made a mad dash for his mom's car. He wrenched the door open, peered behind him, and dove into the back seat. The redhead surveyed the contents of the car for cover. He found a fleece blanket sprawled over the back seat and one of Kankuro's stuffed animals yawning at him from the passenger seat. Both would make for excellent camouflage. Heart pounding, he curled up in the space between the back seat and the rear of the front seat and threw both the blanket and the stuffed crocodile over himself._

_His excitement nearly got the best of him. Gaara almost leapt out of the car and pounced on his mom, but she came skipping into the driver's seat before he could do so. He squelched his restlessness and held his breath._

_She never noticed._

_Humming a cute little tune to herself, she shifted gears and rolled into the street. The ride was long and bouncy. To top it off, Gaara had absolutely no idea where she was headed. Two minutes into the drive and the little redhead was having second thoughts. He got a fluttering feeling in his stomach that his mom didn't want him there. If he popped up and yelled 'Surprise!' she might not have reacted in a positive way._

_She could have run off of the road._

_After that, she'd drive him home and ground him._

_Gaara decided after a moment of thought that it wouldn't be in his best interest to inform her of his hitchhiking._

_Suddenly, the car stopped. Anxiously, Gaara dared to peek out of the blankets._

_A red light._

_There weren't any red lights in his half of suburbia. Maybe she was headed out of town._

_Oh no!_

_If she drove out of town, she could leave Gaara somewhere and he'd never see his best friend again! He'd miss Naruto a whole lot._

_The light changed and Gaara ducked under the blankets again._

_No… she wouldn't leave him anywhere. Besides, even if she did drive into the middle of nowhere, at least Gaara wouldn't have to deal with other people anymore. He could join the circus or something._

_Or he'd run away to Las Vegas and get filthy rich._

_His fear dissolved slowly._

_Up until the second time the car stopped. This time, there were no traffic lights in sight. Still humming cheerily, his mom took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. The door slammed behind her and the car rocked once. Gaara stayed perfectly still, curled rigidly into a ball, and waited. _

_One minute went past in complete silence._

_The redhead was starting to get a _really _bad feeling. Really, really bad. He needed to get out of the car and investigate._

_Silently as a four-foot high kid could, he popped open the door and slid out. Closing it again would make too much noise, so he left it ajar._

_Being beneath a blanket and a giant, stuffed reptile as he had, Gaara's eyes had adjusted to the lack of light and he could see perfectly. This, however, did nothing for his mood. The area in which the car was parked was a vacant dirt lot in the middle of a massive amount of foliage. Trees here, bushes there… They must've been further down in the river valley where the Konoha district was. Judging from the sheer amount of greenery, though, they were nowhere near Naruto's house._

_There was a small, wooden building at the edge of the lot. It looked largely vacant with the exception of a lit window on the second floor._

_This was decidedly not good._

_Gaara watched a video once where a bunch of kids got kidnapped in a house like that._

_But Mom was in there._

_Gaara was curious._

_Checking the windows for faces, he slithered through the bushes on the outskirts of the dirt. The redhead shimmied along the shadows toward the house and, once in range, checked the door._

_There was no one inside._

_A dim, shuddering, fluorescent light bulb swayed on a cheap pendant light fixture at the end of a long, incredibly dark hallway. Keeping an eye out for ghosts under the doorways, Gaara tip-toed down the corridor._

_Ghosts were real._

_He knew they were._

_In this knowledge, the darkness began to creep under his skin and curl its cold, clawed hands around his heart. Gaara's blood beat in his ears and he gulped his stomach down. Frantically searching for another source of light, he remembered the lone illuminated window on the floor above. Luckily, near the wan light, there was a stairway. It led to a small, musty overhang above the corridor and branched off to different, dark, dreary rooms of a similar nature. Deciding that any place was better than his current location, Gaara trekked on._

_He climbed up the rotten railings of the stairway in an effort to remove his weight from the steps so they wouldn't creak. The higher up he climbed, the smokier the air became._

_Cigar smoke._

_Dad smoked cigars once…_

_Was Dad up there? Maybe Dad would be happy to see him! Maybe he wouldn't get into trouble after all! Worries trickling away, Gaara padded across the bone-dry flooring in his pajamas. Dad would definitely be happy to see him. Every time Gaara beat someone up, he'd say that Gaara was his favorite. Forget Temari and Kankuro. _

_A half-rectangle of light cascaded out of a door just down the hall. There was smoke breezing out of the top. That must've been where Dad was!_

_At the height of his elation, his steps faltered._

_He could hear his mom wailing on the other side of the door._

"_NO!!" she screamed, "It's not true!"_

"_Oh!" mocked another voice darkly, "Say it ain't so, Sasori-danna! Listen to her cry, yeah! Now _that's_ music, yeah!"_

"_Enough," another voice barked, "I hate keeping people waiting, Deidara. Let's put her out of her misery."_

"_Che," dismissed the first voice, "Spoilsport…"_

_Gaara couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't understand all of it, but… Mom was crying. He couldn't hear his dad's voice, either. Something was definitely wrong. Too petrified to move, he stood stone still five feet from the door and shivered._

"_You liars!" Gaara's mom screeched, "You fucking liars!"_

"_Oh, no," the first voice snickered, "It's the truth alright, yeah. Your hubby was a drug lord. One of the best in the business! We used to think he was a great guy, but he got all nasty and we… you know… What happens when the captain of a pirate ship gets too pushy, yeah?"_

"_You… you couldn't have…"_

"_Mutinied," offered the more mature voice._

"_Liars!" denied Gaara's mother despairingly. _

_The redhead finally mustered up enough resolve to creep around the rotten door. He peeked into the room, swallowing another lurch of terror in his chest. _

_His mom was duct-taped to an old, green recliner in the corner of the room. She was surrounded on two sides by men in black shirts emblazoned with the infamous golden eye of Shukaku._

"_You just can't get it through your thick little skull, can you, yeah?" the blonde one pointed out. The redheaded one added, "Your husband _was_ Shukaku. The Kazekage. The wind-shadow. He led this organization. Accept it. He was an evil man."_

_Suddenly, the blonde one laughed and leaned in. If it was possible, Gaara's mother's stricken face became even more ashen. "Hmm, hmm," he chuckled, then whispered, "And you knew it, yeah."_

_Gaara's mother gasped and the dark lines on her face became longer._

"_You married a crime lord," stated the redhead, "What an immoral thing to do."_

"_I thought I could change him!" harped Gaara's mother, hopping fruitlessly in the recliner. "'Change him?' Please," scoffed the blonde, "Admit it, you wanted in, yeah."_

"_Once he died, his money was as good as yours," said the redhead._

_Gaara shook. Dad was… bad? Where was he? What was a myoo-ten-ee? _

_In a flash, the blonde was holding out what looked like small, pink, Tootsie-Rolls between his fingers. Gaara's mom's head waved wildly on her shoulders. "NO!" she screamed, "Get away from me! Get the fuck away from me!"_

_Upon closer examination, Gaara found, much to his horror, that the pink Tootsie-Rolls were M-80 cherry bombs._

_Gaara didn't know what would happen next, but his subconscious did. His heavy feet maneuvered away from the door, regardless of sound. His stomach, which had been fighting with him the entire time, finally won. Gaara stuffed his head between the bars on the stairway and heaved. He barely had enough time to pull his face out from the bars when he swore he heard footsteps coming from behind him. Coughing up bits and pieces of last night's dinner, Gaara staggered frantically down the hallway._

_Past the flickering light._

_Past the dead, dark doorways._

_Past the ghosts and the shadows._

_Gaara shot out the door, panting and sweating, his mind reeling in terror and agony. He didn't look back at the yawning maw of the old shack. He didn't catch a glimpse of the silhouette on the curtains in the room on the second floor._

_Gaara ran._

_Past the car._

_Past the bushes._

_Past the freeway on the other side of the trees._

_As he ran, his mind raced with him. Dad was dead. Those two men in the Shukaku coats killed him. And now…_

_The last thing Gaara heard that night was a sound that would stick with him forever. The sound of blood splattering, bones shattering, skin bursting, and bodies burning. The sound of death._

_Behind him, in the old shack, there was a thunderous boom._

'Baby, this is gonna' blow your mind…'

----

"Gaara!"

Slam!

"Pay attention!"

Gaara's face shot up from the desk and he blinked to force the mist out of his eyes. The light was bright and there were people in the room.

It wasn't night.

Gaara wasn't alone.

And his mom had been dead for a very long time.

Recognizing his surroundings, Gaara yawned tiredly and peered accusingly up at the teacher who woke him. There was Kakashi, single visible eye burning into Gaara, looking every bit like the perturbed teacher he _wasn't supposed to be_. The redhead quirked an eyebrow at him. Kakashi wasn't one to be high-strung.

Perhaps what happened to Sasuke still had him spooked.

That was unlike Kakashi, though.

A hurricane could rip the walls of his house into the sky and he wouldn't notice.

The silver-haired teacher blinked at him, eyebrow twitching slightly, then silently oozed back to his desk and whipped his orange book out from nowhere in particular. Gaara eyed Neji as this was going on, looking for an explanation. "What's with him?" he asked.

Neji looked right, then left. Gaara thought nothing of it until Neji started rolling his eyes around suggestively. The redhead took a careless survey of the room and found half of the class to be secretively staring at him, Naruto included.

"What's up?" he asked casually.

"You were twitching," Naruto whispered as he leaned over in his chair.

Gaara frowned. Twitching was no big deal. He eyeballed Naruto and Neji critically before demanding to know what he'd done wrong. People fell asleep in Kakashi's class all the time!

"Well," began Naruto in a low whisper, "First your feet started moving. Just a little, though. Kakashi looked at Neji funny and told him to make you stop. Like, two seconds later, you weren't moving at all."

Neji then leaned in and whispered, "Then you spazzed out."

Gaara shook his head and gave Neji the stupidest look he could muster.

"Your arms and legs went, like, wham!" hissed Naruto before he shot all of his limbs outward at once. Gaara saw Kakashi bounce a little in his chair and peek out from behind his book. Naruto continued in a hushed laugh, "You scared the shit out of him!"

Neji snorted in the seat next to him, "The look on his face was priceless."

Regardless of their excitement, Gaara couldn't bring himself to feel the same way. The moment he freaked the class out must've been when he heard the M-80s explode.

Hm.

Gaara settled back into his seat and mulled over the incident. He _really_ must've been tired. He never fell asleep, let alone in class. Well, Yashamaru _did_ have him working his butt off to pay for another bed. Gaara was _supposed_ to be working his butt off, anyway. He'd gotten a job at a local bookstore, arranging things on shelves and whatnot. It was an easy, stress-free job. Since he didn't particularly desire another bed to sleep on, he spent all of his money the instant he got his paycheck.

Maybe Neji tired him out.

…

Yep.

That was it.

Reasons notwithstanding, Gaara had a very strange dream. Whenever he fell asleep, not often, mind you, he had dreams. Most of these were completely irrelevant, disregarding what he wanted to dream about altogether.

And he _never_ had memories.

Ever.

He never dreamed of past experiences, however gruesome they may have been.

Gaara also found it strange that he was able to remember the sequence of events in such clarity. When he wanted to reflect on that night, he couldn't remember what exactly he had felt, let alone the precise dialogue which occurred. Not five minutes ago, though, he'd remembered everything.

He remembered how the house smelled. He remembered how dull, grey, and dark it was. He remembered how the damp wood bent beneath his feet.

He remembered the two men in the Shukaku coats.

Gaara knew exactly what they looked like from behind. There was a redhead, hair color not unlike Gaara's own. Judging from the way his coat fell from his shoulders, he was very slender. He seemed more fragile than the blonde one, but he had a much more mature manner of speech. He had been restrained and reasonable.

Then there was the blonde. Everything about his posture and word-choice exuded self-confidence and bombastic lack of refinement. He'd worn some of his hair up in a ponytail and let the rest trail languidly down his back. Gaara caught a glimpse of half of his face. He remembered that the man's eyes were slanted and covered in eyeliner. He also liked using the word 'yeah.'

It was… interesting to say the least; the clarity with which he was able to recognize them. He even remembered their names.

Deidara and Sasori-danna.

Through a force of thought, Gaara was able to match their voices. Sasori-danna was the redhead while Deidara was the blonde.

He was woken from his reverie by Naruto's incessant tapping of his fingers on the edge of his desk. The question died on Gaara's lips. Neji stole the words right out of his mouth.

"You still worried about Sasuke?" asked Neji.

Naruto nodded.

The bell rang and Kakashi flung the door open with the intention of herding his class out of it. Gaara, Neji, and Naruto followed the crowd. The redhead cast Kakashi a blank look before passing him.

Not far out the door, Neji and Gaara spontaneously ganged up on Naruto.

"What's got you worried?" The redhead asked in all seriousness. Neji chimed in, saying, "You told me he was doing well yesterday."

"Yeah," Naruto mumbled, pushing some of his blonde hair out of his face, "That was _before_ I got home."

Neji raised both eyebrows and said, "Do go on."

Gaara agreed.

Naruto sighed and drooped a little. "He didn't look too good yesterday. Don't get me wrong- he looks a whole lot better than he did on mile day. He's just…" Naruto spaced out, scoffed unintelligently, and worried. "He's been kinda' far off since yesterday. He said something about a note on the back door."

Gaara stiffened. A note? Who in their right mind would leave a note on someone else's back door? "Do you have it with you?" he asked urgently.

Naruto's butterfly barrette swayed as he shook his head. "Hmm mm," he mumbled a negative. "Sasuke says he wants to keep it a secret from my mom, though."

Neji nodded as if he understood. "It makes him nervous?" he asked. When Naruto nodded, he added, "Do you know what it was about?"

The blonde fox rolled his sky-blue eyes heavenward and recalled, "I think it was a thank you note from a fertilizer company."

"Do you remember which company?" Gaara inquired, crossing his arms.

"Uh… Henry something…"

Gaara dug through his memories, but couldn't recognize the name.

"They do our lawn sometimes," interrupted Neji with a helpful point of the finger. Naruto blinked inquisitively at him through mascara-laden lashes. "Really?"

"Yeah," replied Neji, "Though I've only seen one guy running around in one van. Hinata's seen him before. She said he looked like one side of his face was darker than the other."

The blonde gave him a strange look.

Neji continued, "She says he's really friendly. Comes to her rental house a lot."

Naruto screwed his eyes up and frowned in concentration. "Why would he do that?"

"Says it reminds him of an old friend's house."

"Creepy…" droned Naruto.

Gaara nodded, interpreting Naruto's drawn-out reply to be the end of the previous conversation. "Anything else bothering you?" he asked innocently.

"Well, I know Sasuke's getting better, but he's coughing a lot more."

Gaara quirked an eyebrow. He'd just recovered from pneumonia, right? Maybe a sore throat was an after-effect.

"He went through some pretty nasty stuff last week," Naruto elaborated, "I'm not sure whether he remembers or not, or whether he even felt it… He doesn't act like anything's wrong, but…"

"Then let him act that way," Gaara commanded.

Naruto blinked his heavily-done eyes at the redhead in astonishment.

"Sasuke's got a weird way of dealing with stuff," Neji offered ambiguously. "He's probably fine. He's had worse, eh?"

"Heh heh… Worse…" Naruto laughed humorlessly.

Gaara quirked an eyebrow. This _had_ been a mere case of pneumonia, had it not? Then again, he'd been suffering from it almost since the school year started. In order to preserve Naruto's happiness, however, Gaara kept from mentioning anything about it.

----

Sasuke sat in the kitchen, drinking a can of soda and feeling generally bored with the world. He picked up a fork and prodded his arm with it. His constant flow of homework seemed to be lessening as of late. As such, he had close to nothing to do.

Most food was disagreeing with him at the moment, so eating for fun lost its luster. Only citrus-flavored soft-drinks didn't argue too much with his stomach.

After being given the option to view one of hundreds of different channels on his own television, he considered Naruto's small, curvy, dusty one an eyesore. No television, no food, and the Uzumakis clearly didn't believe in books.

Willing even to cause himself pain in order to be entertained, Sasuke smashed his empty soda-can into the side of his skull. He boredly rose out of his seat and meandered to the basement staircase. A cardboard box for recycling aluminum sagged forlornly at the bottom of the second stair. Sasuke shot the compressed can basketball-style in the direction of the box.

He missed.

The can clanked down the stairs and rolled off somewhere beyond Sasuke's view. Cursing all the way, Sasuke heavily thundered down the steps in search of the can. He stopped at the base of the staircase and surveyed the floor.

Nothing.

The can had a mind of its own.

Sasuke scouted the corners of the hallway. Seriously, the can must've sprouted legs and walked off. The Uchiha furtively glanced at the ceiling to make sure the aluminum gremlin hadn't somehow climbed up. Not shockingly, Sasuke found nothing.

He continued to sweep across the floor with his vision when suddenly, he noticed something.

There was one door that was slightly ajar. The can could've hidden in there. Praising his power of observation, the Uchiha marched over to the dusty, half-open door and bumped it open wide with one foot. It let out a hollow shaking noise and creaked as it made its way toward the wall.

Sasuke peered into the room.

He was mildly shocked at what he saw.

There, contained in the small room, covered in a thin film of dust, lay the following things: A fully-furnished bed, a chest of drawers, a nightstand, a standing mirror, a lamp, and a stuffed frog.

Sasuke examined the door once again. There was a lock beneath the doorknob. Judging from how well-polished it was compared to the rest of the door, it was valued.

One could assume it was used.

Sure enough, upon closer examination of the dresser near the door, there was a key. Out of curiosity, Sasuke picked the key up between his fingers. He turned it over in his hand and examined the logo stamped into its side.

It matched the logo on the lock.

Sasuke inserted the key and turned it just to be sure.

A solid, brass bolt shot out of the side of the door. Sasuke unlocked it and set the key back.

Yep.

Someone was locking this room up.

Sasuke wondered why.

He examined the floor. In the manner of the rest of the room, the floor was blanketed in a likewise film of dust. At least in some areas. Wisps of clean flooring marked trails into the depths of the small, humble, unused bedroom. Sasuke followed the closest one.

One trail forked into two and the Uchiha found himself first at the edge of the dusty, ruined featherbed. Goose down poked out of the pale green blanket at all angles. It was not the blanket that caught Sasuke's eye, however.

It was the picture frame.

Adorning the small nightstand was a framed picture. Unlike most of the room, it appeared that someone had repeatedly wiped the glass cover off with one thumb. Sasuke picked the picture up and peered at it.

In the direct center of a sun-damaged photograph were three people: One girl, one boy, and one baby. Sasuke recognized Kyuubi right away. Her eyes were shut with enthusiasm and a loud, annoying smile graced the lower half of her face. Her glowing red hair was tied up in a ponytail on the top of her head with nine, distinct spikes poking out of it at relaxed angles. She only looked fourteen or fifteen years old.

Kyuubi… maybe she was the one who locked the room up.

Sasuke bonked himself in the forehead with the heel of one palm. Duh! Of course it was Kyuubi! Who else would it be?

He bemusedly admired the other prominent subject in the picture.

Sasuke was amazed at what he saw.

This guy's short, spiky, blonde mess of a hairdo practically lit up the room as if it were the man's own ray of sunshine. His eyes were closed in much the same way Kyuubi's were and his lopsided, sparkling, awkward smile spread from one ear to the other. He had his arm splayed proudly across the small of Kyuubi's back and his hand pressed the woman's hip up against his. Sasuke took a moment to consider how positively _radiant_ he looked.

Come to think of it, if Sasuke cut a centimeter off of his waist and added whisker-marks to his cheeks, he'd look just like…

Sasuke glanced down at the little, faded, pink bundle of a blanket in Kyuubi's arms. A little, adorable, sleeping face poked out of it along with an equally adorable, pudgy hand.

…Naruto.

Sasuke looked back up at the printed ray of sunshine standing beside Naruto's mom.

…It was her dad.

It was a picture of Naruto's dad.

Something came over Sasuke then. It was a mix of emotions. He realized that he was intruding on Kyuubi's treasure trove of memories. That was why she kept the door locked. This was her own private place to sit and reminisce; her safe haven.

Guilt followed on the heels of realization. Sasuke was trespassing on a grave of dreams.

Kyuubi's dreams.

Even after that, attacking the room in a cold, silent spell, was remorse. Sasuke wondered how old Naruto was when her father died.

When her father was killed.

She clearly didn't feel too deeply about his death, at least from what Sasuke could tell.

No.

Maybe Naruto's pain was deep enough, it hurt her to talk about it. Sasuke gathered from her tales that her father was a good man. She held many vivid memories about him. Come to think of it, Naruto remembered too many things about her dad for her to be so young when he died.

Maybe she hadn't been young at all.

As Sasuke set the happy little picture back on the nightstand, he couldn't help but notice how out of place it was amidst all the dust. With one last considering look at the photograph, Sasuke turned back around and re-traced the clean trail back to the fork.

He turned sullenly onto another dust-less avenue and followed it to a door in the wall.

A closet.

The phrase 'skeletons in the closet' wormed its way into his mind, but it instantly dissolved into nothingness.

This room was too sacred for skeletons.

Or so Sasuke thought.

He drew the sliding closet door to the side and peered into the darkness. The space was musty and smelled like wood finish. Sasuke wrinkled his nose and ventured further. As guilty as he felt for prying, the Uchiha couldn't help but wonder what Kyuubi was hiding.

At the very back of the closet, he found a stack of boxes.

Interest piqued, Sasuke laboriously removed the top box from the stack.

God!

What did Kyuubi _keep _in there?

A herd of fucking _elephants?_

Carefully setting it on the floor, he blew an exhausted puff of air out of his lungs. Sasuke stared hesitantly at the box. He wondered what she could have stored in it to make it so heavy.

Only one way to find out…

The cardboard flaps weren't taped shut. Sasuke wondered if she kept them open for a reason.

Perhaps she liked to come down to the room and sift through her old stuff?

Maybe.

Sasuke pried the flaps open and examined the contents of the box.

The first thing he noticed was a colorful green and white uniform. He lifted it out, careful not to rip it, and spread the fabric out on the floor. The next pair of objects he noticed were two matching pom-poms.

Huh.

Sasuke sat back and squinted at his bundle of belongings.

It was an old Konoha Fighting Frogs cheerleading outfit.

Kyuubi was a _cheerleader_? How weird was that? Sasuke did a double-take at the rest of the box's contents. There were school pictures, teddy-bears, a majorette's flag… It was school stuff.

Sasuke stealthily pushed himself off of the floor and wandered in the direction of the stairway. He crept up into the kitchen and eyed the circular clock above the stove. If Kyuubi's note was to be believed, she wouldn't be back for another five hours.

Grinning slyly to himself, Sasuke slunk back down the stairs and into the forgotten room.

She'd never know.

Ten minutes later, Sasuke had removed a lot of school memorabilia. There were hundreds of photographs, a school flag, a majorette's flag, a school-spirit wig, fake flowers, old bottles of face-paint, and foam fingers. Sasuke dug even deeper and found a yearbook.

Huh!

Imagine that.

He flipped through the pages, looking for Uzumaki Kyuubi.

Wait…

Perhaps Uzumaki wasn't her real surname. She might have been married to Naruto's dad, so maybe she kept her husband's name instead. Sasuke did a little reconnaissance work and flipped over all of her school stuff in search of a last name.

He never found one.

Hmm…

Puzzled, he looked for an Uzumaki in the yearbook anyway. Perhaps Naruto's dad would show up. He was infinitely surprised when he found that the last name didn't exist. He looked each page over backwards to see whether or not he recognized either of Naruto's parents' faces.

He was into the K's in senior year when he spotted Naruto's dad's unmistakable golden halo of hair. The giant, penned-in heart around his picture helped as well. Befuddled, he glanced down at the name listed below the picture.

Arashi Kazama.

That meant that Uzumaki had to have been Kyuubi's name.

But… she didn't show up in the yearbook.

Odd.

On a hunch, Sasuke looked for Kazama again in the junior and sophomore sections.

He found the name Kazama again in the sophomore section.

Under Kyuubi's picture.

Sasuke blinked. So… they'd already been married by then? They looked nothing alike, apart from their absurd facial expressions, so they couldn't have been related. That was just… eww.

They were married.

Kyuubi must've turned sixteen and fallen head over heels. Or maybe it was Naruto's fault. Kyuubi didn't look as old as sixteen in her picture with Naruto and Arashi.

He put one yearbook down and found another.

Sasuke flipped backwards through the pages to the beginning. He was about to shut the book again when a list appeared on the inside of the front cover. Sasuke peered at Kyuubi's curly, girly handwriting.

It was a list of names and page numbers, most of which were written in title-style with a ridiculous smiley face by each one.

_Ara-kun…_

_Me…_

_Sissy..._

_Henry…_

_Money-Man..._

_Anko-chan..._

_Nara-sempai_

_Shisui-san_

_Hatake-sempai_

_Iru-chan_

_Itachi-san..._

Wait.

Hold the phone.

Itachi?

_Uchiha _Itachi?

Sasuke glared down the page number Kyuubi had listed. He flipped fervently through the pages.

Itachi was in this yearbook? That was how young Kyuubi was? Better yet, she was friends with him? Sure, Itachi had skipped two grades because of advanced placement, but…

He found the indicated page and slammed a finger down on it.

Sasuke scrutinized the page with the eyes of a hawk and found in two seconds exactly what he was looking for. There, glaring at him from the glossy, high-quality paper, was his older brother.

Sasuke slumped back onto the floor, too emotionally taxed to do much else, and stared.

He looked… just the same.

But… saner.

His hair fell in his face the same way, the creases under his eyes were in the same places, his lips were still curved downward in that perpetual, annoyed scowl…

Everything was just how Sasuke remembered the night Itachi held him by his neck over the side of his balcony.

Everything but his eyes.

They were dark, but not an insane sort of dark. A down-to-earth, deep charcoal. Intelligent, but not crazy. Interested, but not angry. Strong, but not deadly.

Sasuke missed that.

He missed the sanity in that brother of his who disappeared.

He hated him for killing his family. He hated him for ending his childhood. He hated him for wrecking his mind. He hated him for ripping his heart out of his chest.

And he hated him for destroying his life.

Sasuke drew a shuddering breath into his lungs and shut the yearbook. He set it down, hunched over, and crossed his arms in his lap. He needed to breathe.

Once again hefting himself off of the floor, this time more shakily than the last, Sasuke staggered out of the room and down the hall toward the back door. He swung it open and stepped outside.

----

Naruto twirled his pencil around in English class. Iruka had assigned them busywork in the form of three worksheets. He'd stated quite categorically that there was to be no talking. However, most students knew by now that anything Iruka threatened to enforce was complete bullshit.

So here Naruto was, crouched in his chair, talking with Shikamaru.

Arguing, more like.

"No, idiot," gopher-boy groaned, "You put it _here_. Didn't you ever learn parts of sentences?"

"Yeah, well, your mom," Naruto retorted lamely. He wasn't feeling his most enthusiastic that day and he let it show.

Shikamaru lazed back in his chair, frowned, and crossed his arms. "Oi! You still anxious about Sasuke?"

Naruto eyed him accusingly.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes boredly. "I take that as a yes…" he sighed and massaged his eyes "So troublesome…"

Yeah, Naruto admitted he was still scared out of his wits that something was going to happen to Sasuke.

Gopher-boy tapped his foot impatiently against the leg of his desk. "Are you even _alive_ in there, baka?"

"Shut up," was all Naruto had to say.

Shikamaru whistled.

In no time, class was dismissed. The bell buzzed, signaling the end of the day, and the class rose in a wave of excitement. They flooded out the door and into the hall.

In the wake of all this were left Naruto, Iruka, and Shikamaru.

Naruto took note of the 'and Shikamaru' section of his thought. He blinked uncomprehendingly at the taller, smarter boy and said, "Aren't you usually _gone_ by now?"

Shikamaru halfheartedly slapped the surface of his desk. "Oh damn," he sighed, "It seems I'm running late." He made as if to get up, then a look of pondering came over his face for a split second and he settled back down. "Guess I'll just have to sit here and keep Naruto company so she'll stop acting like such a sorry-ass."

The corner of Naruto's eye twitched.

"Hey, hey!" yelled a flustered Iruka, "School may be out, but you're still in my class. No swearing."

"Iruka is a gutter-whore!" yelled Shikamaru.

"Oh, that's it!"

Naruto shrunk in his seat as an angry Iruka came barreling out of his desk. "Shikamaru!" he harped, "That is no way to address a superior! It's disrespectful!"

The blonde slipped further toward the floor. Damn, Iruka could be nasty when he was angry. Shikamaru seemed completely oblivious, if a tad annoyed at the teacher's rage. While Iruka spat nonsense about respect in his face, gopher-boy dared to yawn a few times and scratch the back of his head.

When Iruka's tirade was over, Shikamaru stretched an arm languidly behind his head. "By the way," he said to Iruka, "Kakashi think's you're cute when you're angry."

Naruto bit back a laugh. He regretted it though, as his eyes got teary from the pressure. That was… priceless. A giggle escaped through his nose and soon, he'd burst into unstoppable, maniacal laughter.

Naruto shot out of his desk before the peeved English teacher had a chance to fry him and burst out the door. Shikamaru emerged not long after, pursued as far as the fifth door down the hallway before Iruka slowed down and proceeded to yell at the both of them.

"Shikamaru! I'm dropping you a letter grade! Naruto! No more free ramen for a week!"

Once Naruto was out the door, sides aching from laughing so hard, he collapsed head-first onto the dying lawn and rolled there. Shikamaru followed at an adequate pace, looking more annoyed than winded by running so hard.

"Shikamaru!" Naruto giggled, "That was fuckin' awesome!"

"Sure," the genius grumbled.

Suddenly, it started to snow.

Naruto squeaked as the first snowflake landed on his arm. It couldn't snow now! Naruto had to walk home!

In mini-shorts!

"Awww!' he whined, "I don' wanna' walk home in the snow…"

Naruto sensed rather than saw the fantastic rolling of Shikamaru's eyes. "Stop whining," he complained, "I'll give you a ride."

Naruto's eyes lit up and he hugged his fists close to his chest. "You have a car?" he stammered.

Shikamaru gave him a look so long and flat, Naruto's mind began to cycle through the possible number of things he could've said wrong.

"My girlfriend has a car," he deadpanned.

The blonde blinked through his smudged eye-shadow. "You're straight?" he asked honestly. Shikamaru's dead look transformed into one that said 'what planet do _you _live on?'

"Duh," he sighed as if he thought life was problematic.

Naruto blinked.

So many of his good friends were gay, it was difficult to believe that there really were straight people out there. They _did _exist!

How many gay people did Naruto know, anyway?

First off, there were Gaara and Neji. Judging by the interesting conversation he had with Haku over hair accessories, Naruto was absolutely sure the kid from the Mist district was gay too. Iruka was about as uke as a man could get, and Kakashi was… well… Kakashi.

Wordlessly, Shikamaru turned around and stalked off in the general direction of the road. Naruto took that as his cue to follow. An old, modest-sized car pulled up near the curb and honked. Naruto watched in amazement as gopher-boy gave the car a suave, lazy salute and marched over to the passenger's window.

The window automatically scrolled down as he came closer. Naruto sat and waited in silent amazement as Shikamaru spoke into the window and made a few careless gestures with his hands.

Soon, Shikamaru looked boredly back at him and waved.

Naruto happily skipped over to the car.

Shikamaru was so cool!

As Naruto neared the car, he noticed the broken tail-light on its right side. He remembered that tail-light…

As he hopped in the back seat, the driver turned around in her seat and gave him a wink.

"Hey, Naruto!" a woman's rich voice piped up.

Naruto grinned.

It was Temari.

"Dude!" he squealed, bouncing up and down in his seat, "You're Shikamaru's girlfriend!"

Shikamaru glanced back and forth between Temari and Naruto. "You know each other?" he deadpanned.

"Younger brother's friend," Temari explained as she shifted the car into drive. Shikamaru's eyes darkened in a nanosecond of intense thought before he concluded, "Gaara."

"Yep!" Naruto cheered.

Gopher-boy blew a disinterested puff of air from his lips and mumbled, "Well, this saves me the trouble of listening to Naruto's directions."

Naruto spit at him.

----

Five minutes of fresh, clean air and Sasuke was headed back in the direction of the stagnant, dusty room. He was losing time quickly. Naruto would be home any minute.

Sasuke didn't want to be caught snooping around in her basement.

He ducked in the door and slunk into the closet. The box and the yearbook were right where he left them. Sasuke eyed the offending yearbook with some amount of reverence before he carefully placed it back in the box. He did likewise with all of the flags and uniforms he'd found. When he was done, the box was full again and the floor was spotless.

By all means rational, Sasuke should have left the room right then and there. Sasuke, however, happened to notice that there were more boxes to explore.

He had time.

He took a second, mercifully lighter box from the stack. The Uchiha noted the fact that it was also left un-taped.

He lifted the cardboard flaps up and peeked inside.

More school stuff.

Only...

They were club pictures.

Sasuke removed the first one he saw. It was a broad, professional shot of the entire cheerleading squad in various poses. He spotted Kyuubi without much effort. The way she was jumping in the air and her constant aura of 'LOOK AT ME' would catch anyone's eye.

Sasuke set the picture down.

There were several more cheerleading, majorettes, and dance pictures, most of which were accompanied by a corresponding large, rolled-up poster.

Post sports-related-pictures lay what Sasuke considered to be marginally less interesting shots. There were personal photos of Kyuubi and her screaming, smiling, posse of idiocy. There was also a picture of someone's shoes in there somewhere...

After the layer of pointless pictures, Sasuke uncovered something much more interesting.

It was a varsity basketball team picture containing Naruto's father. There he was, hair gleaming, stuck forever in a bicep-flexing pose of super-strength. Sasuke scanned the rest of the picture, looking for familiar faces.

He found none.

Sasuke was not discouraged, however, as he uncovered another club picture with Arashi jumping out of it.

The forensics team.

Shockingly, he noticed quite a few people in the picture. They were all dressed in suits and fedoras, but Sasuke knew exactly who they were.

Firstly, the swoosh of silver hair and the eye patch were unmistakable. Hatake Kakashi. Sasuke leaned in and stifled a laugh. He had no ninja-mask thing on! And he was _smiling_. He looked like someone was making him laugh.

Holy Gawd!

Boy, did Sasuke have dirt on Kakashi now!

Sasuke had begun to wonder whether or not Kakashi's lips were deformed or something. He'd told them that he wore the mask for fun, but Sasuke hadn't believed him for a second. Looking at the picture, Kakashi's lips were perfectly normal.

Disappointing...

Sasuke's curious eyes slipped further down the line.

The second person he noticed was leaning toward Kakashi with his mouth wide open, completely ruining the picture. He had spiky, black, unruly hair and wore an orange-tinted pair of ski-goggles over his eyes.

Obito.

Sasuke's young, stupid, horribly fun uncle.

He was the complete opposite of Itachi, having been _held back_ two grades. Sasuke was surprised he was still in high school at the time his brother was.

Sasuke's dad often mentioned that Obito's conception was completely accidental and more than ten years too late, but Sasuke always assumed it to be his father's bad attitude talking.

He did another considering double-take between his uncle and his teacher. He assumed by the looks on both of their faces that it had been Obito who'd made Kakashi laugh.

No one made Kakashi laugh.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow and moved on.

The next person in line was another relative of his. He had a gentle, smiling face and trademark black Uchiha hair.

Itachi's cousin and best friend, Shisui.

Shisui had always been smart. He'd been forgiving as well. He possessed both the quiet intelligence of Itachi and the flamboyant sociability of Obito.

Sasuke assumed that was why Itachi liked him so much. Shisui could listen to and understand what Itachi had to say while making him feel comfortable at the same time.

Sasuke listened in on one of their conversations once. It had been a very un-Itachi exchange of ideas. There had been no nervous laughter, no stuttering at high-language, and no awkward atmosphere whatsoever. There was an occasional laugh, which was _very_ unlike Sasuke's brother, and a lot of words the young Uchiha hadn't understood.

One thing his young mind _did _comprehend, though, was that they were holding a very heated and intelligent conversation about the action of shaking a pressurized can of whipped cream.

Sasuke shook his head and set the picture aside.

He rummaged around, searching for he knew not what, until he neared the bottom of the box. He'd bypassed a few photographs he knew were important, but he had a hunch that there was something at the bottom of the box that Kyuubi wanted him to see.

_Wanted_ him to see.

Sasuke's searching hands paused in midair.

That was why she left the door open. That was why she left the key on the table. That was why only parts of the floor were swept. _That _was why she'd left these boxes so meticulously stacked in the back of the closet.

A sense of adventure.

Kyuubi _wanted_ Sasuke to ask questions. She _wanted_ him to be curious.

The Uchiha dug his hands into the pile of paper and felt around at the bottom of the cardboard box.

He hit something different. It didn't feel like flimsy paper. It felt like a framed image. A moderately sized one. Sasuke felt around the four sides of his presumed picture frame.

She knew he'd do this.

Kyuubi knew he'd realize sooner or later that he was being led on. She put whatever picture it was in a frame so that he'd notice it.

Sasuke wrapped his fingertips around the sides of the frame and tugged it out from under the garbage. Surprised at how heavy it was, he hefted it over into the light.

It was another school club picture.

At the very top of the image, in bright red, blocky lettering, read the following words:

_LITERAL CULTURES CLUB_

_Inter-district literature club; Konoha based._

Sasuke's eyes trailed slowly down the picture. His throat tightened up and he swallowed a bolus of unrestrained terror. Sasuke bolted from the room.

He stumbled over his feet down the hallway, headed fast as lightning toward the back door for the second time that day.

Air.

Sasuke needed more air.

He flung the door open and raced out onto Naruto's back lawn. His legs gave out in a fit of shaking and Sasuke fell criss-cross onto the grass. He took five deep gulps of oxygen before his mind registered that he had something in his hand.

The photograph.

The Literal Cultures Club photograph.

Funny... gulp... funny name... breathe... to be this scared of. Really... cough... really funny.

Sasuke's spastic arms started to itch really, really bad. If he thought his stomach had been difficult earlier, Sasuke was completely unprepared for the amount of sheer, vile _disease_ he felt in his belly, shrieking to get out. As his head started to reel, he fell back onto the grass and shut his eyes tightly to force the feeling out.

_Fucking Literal Cultures Club._

It wasn't the title that had Sasuke sick, though. It was all the faces he recognized in the picture.

Five of nine.

First, there was...

Kyuubi.

She looked excited beyond belief to be in the frame. She held on with cheery, purple fingernails to-

The black-haired, stuttering maniac Naruto and Sasuke had seen.

He was grinning madly and his hands were thrown in the air as if he were in the middle of clapping at someone. One foot was extended in a comic fashion, kicking the side of-

That blonde guy Naruto and Sasuke met on the street.

His loose, straight hair was pulled over one eye and otherwise left to blow in the wind. He had a very irate, displeased scowl in his eyes as he glared accusingly at-

Kisame.

He wore a white and red rising sun-printed bandana to keep his hair out of his eyes. He looked as if he'd died and gone to heaven scuffing up the hair of-

...Itachi.

He was standing there, quite nondescriptly, in what had been his favorite pair of jeans and his cherished blue sweatshirt. He eyed Kisame in a way that wasn't outwardly annoyed, but more darkly amused than anything.

It was the second picture of Itachi that Sasuke had seen that day. The Uchiha had a strict policy of burning any images of his brother that he could find. Thus, he hadn't seen an un-dreamt up vision of his brother in years.

Today, he'd seen two.

Two pictures of Uchiha Itachi, one after the other, looking every bit as content and mentally stable as he once had been. He looked... normal. Not like a serial killer. Not like the soulless shell of a human being. His half-blind eyes looked as if they'd _squinted_ from the light of the flash-bulb. He looked like he _gave_ a shit that Kisame was bugging him.

Kisame...

Kisame was there too. Sasuke knew the shark as a criminal. Apparent by the prodding of his personal space, Itachi considered him a friend.

A friend...

"_You see, unlike you, I have friends."_

"_Oh, you do?" _

"_Oh yes, _good_ friends."_

Oh God.

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

Sasuke gulped his heart down again and searched the picture closely for anything he might have missed. In a snap, he found something.

Every person in the picture, Kyuubi included, was wearing an arm-band near their left shoulder. The bands were black. Sasuke noticed something red peeking out from the places where the fabric bent around each person's arm and vanished from sight. Only the one on the blonde's arm was in full view.

There, in the middle of the band, was a little red cloud.

And that innocent, little red cloud was the Dawn.

The Cloud of the Red Dawn.

The insignia of the Akatsuki.

----

Chibi Sakura: O.o Now there's a cliffhanger of a different color.

Chibi Sasuke: -too busy screaming to notice the fic has ended-

Chibi Naruto: -blissfully unaware-

Me: Well… Like the strange stuff? Connect the dots, maybe?

Chibi Iruka: Ooh! Can I play?

Me: Though this chapter was cleverly disguised as a filler, I'll bet you ANYTHING the plot just moved forward about a mile or so.

Chibi Sakura: EEeeeEEeeee!

Chibi Itachi: -poof-

Chibi Sasuke: Aaarrrgh! –dies-

Chibi Itachi: -poof-

Chibi Gaara: Err… yeah. Love it? Hate it? Tell Swirls what you thought. You read the fic, you might as well review it! Voice yo' opinion, yoz!

Chibi Sakura: For cookies!

Chibi Gaara: Review, review, review!


	24. Operation: Fox Hunt

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer: **I own a futon! Beat that, Kishimoto!

Chibi Sasuke: -munch, munch-

Chibi Gaara: -munch, munch-

Chibi Sakura: What's goin' on, guys?

Chibi Naruto: We just got a Cyber Cake from harleymotor-sama.

Chibi Sakura: O.o Can I have a piece?

Chibi Naruto: Only if you promise to be nice to me this chapter.

Chibi Sakura: Err… -glances at cake- YES!

Me: While that's going on, thank you to every last one of you who reviewed! You make my day all bright and sparkly and fluffy and stuff! (Except for a select few of you who STILL think that I stole a title. :3 Do some research.)

Chibi Gaara: Kudos!

Me: AND thanks to Vanity-sama. :3 Read her stories. She's got a level of maturity I lack.

Chibi Gaara: We're gonna fluff this chappie up for you and add a sprinkle of 'homigawd whuzzgonna' happen next???' That's not to mention a generous dose of unneeded humor. Rest assured, you will NOT be disappointed.

Chibi Naruto: Are they ever?

Me: Probably.

Chibi Naruto: T.T

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 24**

To put things rather bluntly, Sasuke's attitude after Naruto came home from school the other day was anything but comforting. The Uchiha fidgeted, paced, snapped at Naruto when he tried to get his attention, and disappeared into his room for hours at a time. He had also adopted the annoying habit of patrolling the basement stairs.

The little blonde found himself chewing feverishly on his nails in art class. He hadn't eaten a good lunch since his stomach was tied in knots and he was having trouble concentrating due to his fervent need to get up and _do _something.

Shikamaru currently lazed in the direct opposite chair at the direct opposite side of the acrylic paint-splattered art table and called him a dumbass.

News.

Naruto was a dumbass.

"You shouldn't be so worried," Shikamaru yawned and poked the strands of hair in his ponytail, "It's not like he's dying or anything."

Naruto glared.

Shikamaru blinked blandly. "Dude. He _isn't _going to die. The worst of it is over."

Naruto laughed dryly. "The worst," he mimicked, "Yeah." The worst being what? The getting up in the middle of the night and stabbing himself in the arms with a fork? The complaining? The aspirin? The…

Wait.

Naruto's eyelashes fluttered like the wings of burning butterflies. So… Shikamaru _knew?_ The blonde leaned in secretively. "When did _you_ figure it out?" he hissed.

Gopher-boy shrugged carelessly. "Since you were so out of it yesterday, I decided to think on it last night. I'm guessing I'm right then?" he then leaned toward Naruto in an equally secretive and ridiculous way and whispered, "About the drugs?"

Naruto nodded.

Nodding was about all that he could do. Shikamaru had figured Sasuke out in one night. One fucking night. He just sat down thought, 'oh jeez, wonder what's wrong with Sasuke,' and blam! 'Oh! He must be addicted to drugs!'

Which was more than Naruto, Sasuke's boyfriend, could accomplish in a month.

Shit.

Either Shikamaru was smart or Naruto was really, really, really dumb.

…

Probably a little of both.

Still astounded and awestruck by the sheer force of Shikamaru's insight, Naruto pressed, "How'd you figure it out so fast?"

The corners of Gopher-boy's lips curled downward and he squinted accusingly. Seconds later, his coal-black eyes smirked as he announced, "I'm smarter than you. That's all."

Naruto's eyes burned and he gritted his teeth together.

"Oh yeah? Why couldn't you have thought of it earlier?" he harped, slamming his fist into the surface of the table. Shikamaru assumed his glare-of-infernal-stolidity and said nothing.

This may have been due to the fact that Naruto's yelling had attracted the unwanted audience of twenty four students and one teacher. The blonde's heart jumped into his throat and he swallowed it back down with a twitching, lopsided smile.

Shikamaru slowly rolled his eyes the other way.

The silence that ensued was nearly unbearable. Naruto could hear the ceiling fan whirring through the air, the tapping of some diligent student's pencil, the creaking of half a dozen chairs, and a dog barking across the street. He swore he could even hear the sound of Asuma's cancer-stick disintegrating.

"Good going, dumbass," remarked Shikamaru in a matter-of-fact monotone.

"Yep," replied Naruto, sticking to his tradition of saying things where they weren't needed.

"Whaaaaatever…" drawled Asuma as he took another drag of his cigarette. As if bitch-slapped out of a trance, the class suddenly resumed its noisy complaining about how grossly impractical art was.

Shikamaru admired the not-teacher with an expression as close to adoration as he could manage.

Naruto mumbled a curse, crossed his arms, and oozed selfishly into the framework of his chair. "I hate you, by the way," he grumbled in Gopher-boy's general direction.

Shikamaru only smiled.

----

Operation: Fox Hunt.

Day two.

Running low on supplies, morale has hit a dangerous low. Twelve troops deceased; two by starvation, seven by enemy fire, and three by the Hand of God. Platoon unable to advance on enemy base due to procrastination, pain, and, as stated before, unhealthy lack of self-confidence.

Fear may also be a factor.

Unable to progress.

Such were the internally catalogued thoughts of one Uchiha Sasuke as he sat in the midst of battalions of Naruto's old, firecracker-scarred, anatomically incorrect Barbie Dolls. He had been terribly bored, so he opted to dig through the plastic bin he'd discovered beneath the bed two days prior. He'd originally been hoping that he'd find more pieces of Kyuubi's puzzle.

He found dolls instead.

Dolls.

Sasuke didn't take Naruto to be the sort of girl who played with dolls. Then again, it had been _Sasuke_ who used to drag Itachi into tea parties when he was five.

The Uchiha took another forlorn look at his plastic subordinates. Most of them were half dressed: A skirt here, some shoes there… To top that off, their stiff arms and legs made them look extremely uncomfortable. This was all countered by the identical, painted smiles on their identical, matte-plastic faces.

They were completely unprepared for the mental no-man's land that awaited them in Kyuubi's Room of Doom. All thirteen of them grinned up at him with their empty, cheery, blueish eyes (with the exception of one, who, in laying face down, Sasuke had dismissed from service due to insubordination).

The remaining twelve had, as Sasuke assumed by the blank looks on their faces, died. The skinniest of the bunch had obviously starved themselves into oblivion. Most of them sported numerous burns, being the deaths by enemy fire. The remaining three, Sasuke found no problems with.

So he threw them against the wall.

That only left three people capable of continuing his mission.

Sasuke, Sasuke, and… well… Sasuke.

Minds made up, Sasuke, Sasuke, and Sasuke all marched heroically down the stairs and made themselves lunch.

And since each of them was in a cheeky mood, they left the milk carton to turn sour on the counter.

Kyuubi was gone again on business unknown, so the Uchiha was left much up to his own devices. She had provided him with a TV guide and a television as well as a newspaper to read, but Sasuke wasn't interested. He absolutely _had_ to know what was in the remaining stacked boxes. He'd only gotten as far as two the other day before he'd re-packed the evidence of his trespassing and fallen into a severe depression.

He slept most of the gloom off.

Now he was simply lacking the courage and enthusiasm he needed to return to the war-zone. Sasuke definitely wanted to know what Kyuubi was hiding, but he couldn't bring himself to walk into that room again.

After what he saw, he wasn't sure if he'd like what he found in the last box. Scratch that. He _knew _he wouldn't like what he found in the last box.

From what he'd observed in the Literal Cultures Club photograph, she'd been very close to each member. Judging also by the emblems on their arm bands, the club had been a premature Akatsuki. The predecessor of the Dawn logo was emblazoned all across the picture.

In addition to the people he recognized, there were a few which he couldn't identify. The one who stood out the most was a tall guy with curiously green hair. One half of his body had been darker than the other. Another had been a redhead with droopy hair and hooded, brown eyes. Yet another had trademark albino-silver hair, pale skin, and burgundy eyes. There had been a tall, tan man with wiry black hair and stitch tattoos standing right next to the albino, giving the camera a glare that said 'Come any closer and I _will _punch you in the face.'

Looking as if she disdained every fiber in Kyuubi's body was a girl with dark blue hair coiled into a decorative bun. She lurked in the corner opposing Kyuubi and was captured in the act of visibly recoiling from the redhead's bubbly brilliance.

Sasuke marveled at the last person. She was the only girl besides Kyuubi and she positively hated the Uzumaki's guts. Well… they were women… and Sasuke could diagnose by experience that all women did was hate other women.

Perhaps that was an explanation.

Sasuke downed the last of his turkey sandwich and contemplated whether or not the tryptophan made him more inclined to venture into the basement. Well, he wasn't making progress sitting in the kitchen and pulling his hair out. On the other hand, he was just… worried. He was worried about what he might find. He was worried that Kyuubi _wasn't _that intelligent.

He was worried that the door would be locked.

If the door was locked, then it was a mere fluke that Sasuke had found the boxes in the first place. Every piece of history he'd witnessed in that dusty, empty room was meaningless. It would mean that all of Sasuke's hard thinking and figuring had been without purpose.

To look or not to look.

Sasuke, along with every Scooby-Doo watching child, knew that the monster _only_ attacked when someone turned and looked.

If Sasuke learned anything useful in his childhood, that was it. Sometimes, it was best not to look.

He sat at the small, lonely dinner table and listened to the mesmeric clicking of the clock on the wall. Sasuke was in quite the predicament. Despite reasoning to the contrary, he felt that if he didn't check up on the room, he wouldn't survive. He would die of anxiety.

Mind reluctantly made up, Sasuke dropped his dish into the sink and made for the stairs. He had roughly two hours until Naruto got home. Two hours to move boxes, open boxes, look through boxes, pack boxes up, and re-stack boxes to make it look like nothing happened involving said boxes.

He hopped down the stairs and crept toward the door, eyeing the doorknob with obvious apprehension. He pinched it between all four fingers and his thumb and jerked it to the side, afraid that the door might not open.

The knob gave.

The door was unlocked.

----

Basketball.

Naruto hated basketball.

He suspected that Kakashi knew this. The gym teacher was doing this to spite him. Naruto theorized that he was in cahoots with Shikamaru.

He had no idea how, but the two of them were _definitely _plotting something.

Naruto tried the 'my ankle's sprained' trick, but it seemed Kakashi had encountered it somewhere before. The gym teacher merely pointed disinterestedly at the basketball hoop and said 'Now' without taking his face out of his book.

So there Naruto was, lamely standing on the court, pretending to do something important. The feeling of guilt at wasting his time and his team's time was beginning to creep into his socks. He was saved, though, when Kakashi signaled that it was the next team's turn on the court.

Naruto leaned tiredly against the brick wall of the gym and slid slowly to the floor. He was _way_ too emotionally taxed for sports.

"Hey," murmured a girl's reluctant voice off to his right. Naruto turned his head searchingly and squinted at his company.

It was Sakura.

And she looked like she wasn't going to give Naruto a lecture.

Odd.

Odd enough that Naruto actually answered her. "Hey," he replied intelligently.

"I bet you thought I'd be the last person to say this, but…" she paused and flipped a strand of pinkish hair over her shoulder, "Are you feeling alright?"

The blonde stared stupidly at her through twitching, eye shadow-smudged eyes.

…There had to be a humiliating punch line in there somewhere. Naruto was going to say, 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Then Sakura was going to blossom into a sadistic grin and laugh 'Your MOM'S fine!'

Or something.

Interested in where the conversation was headed, Naruto replied with a predictable, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Sakura remarked.

Ah! Here it was! She was going to insult him on his sweatpants! Perhaps. Naruto waited and waited, but the bite never came. The Pink Princess was even beginning to look concerned. On a whim, Naruto played it cool and spoke to his eternal rival as if they'd been friends all their lives.

"I guess I'm just worried about Sasuke," he shrugged, "He hasn't been acting like himself lately."

Sakura was instantly interested. "You've seen him recently?" she blinked. Naruto decided to stick the situation in Sakura's face. "Yeah," he shrugged, "He's staying at my place until he feels better."

"Oh."

Naruto could tell by the way Sakura's hair deflated that she was discouraged. He triumphed. Oh yes. Sasuke was staying at Naruto's house. Not Sakura's.

"He's still feeling sick?" she asked, seeming to recover from Naruto's last blow.

Maybe Sakura's intentions weren't as sinister as Naruto had hoped. She seemed genuinely concerned. Naruto resigned himself to the situation and kept the conversation going. "Yeah. He got pretty sick. I think he's been sick for a while now."

"I suppose," agreed Sakura. "It's hard to see someone like Sasuke as 'sick' though." Suddenly, she grinned, "They say I always see things as how I want them to be, not how they are."

Naruto was taken aback at the sudden, irrelevant confession. "Uh, sure," he replied like the Einstein he was. He supposed that it was customary to admit to his own fault after Sakura admitted hers. "I try to make things look better than they are sometimes," he offered.

The pink-haired girl accepted his words with a dip of the head. "I guess everyone's got problems, huh?"

"Hah!" laughed Naruto spitefully, "I think most of the people I know have more problems than the rest of the world _combined_."

Unintentionally, he made Sakura laugh. It was… nice.

"So this is the part where we spill our guts, laugh, cry, pierce each other's ears, and have a giant sleepover, right?" Naruto deadpanned wryly.

"Nope," denied Sakura with a resolute shake of the head, "As far as I'm concerned, we're still rivals. Besides, being friends with you would just be… weird."

"Ditto," Naruto shot back.

"Hm," Sakura grinned slyly, "I guess that means we're back to hating each other?"

"Pretty much," Naruto announced confidently.

"Glad you're feeling better. Later," Sakura waved before pushing herself off of the wooden floor and padding back to her posse.

"By the way!" Naruto shout-whispered after her with a hand shielding his words. When Sakura looked back, Naruto said, "You know all that stuff you've been hearing about 'Sasuke likes long hair?'"

Sakura nodded.

"It's shit. Sasuke digs short hair!"

The pink-haired girl gave him a look that said 'liar!' and crossed her arms with her nose in the air.

Naruto tore his eyes away from Sakura's gang, who were now furtively examining their hair. Gaara and Neji had just sat down beside him. Still bubbly with Sakura's contagious good humor, he said, "Boy, Gaara. I don't think I've ever seen you sweat so much."

Gaara shot him a dirty look.

"Eh heh… eh-heh heh heh… sweaty," Neji giggled.

"Eh heh… my _ass_," growled Gaara.

"Yes, Gaara," snickered Neji, "your ass."

"Oh, drop it!" the flustered redhead hissed.

"Sure," cackled the Hyuga, "But I'm sure as hell not picking it up."

"You dirty son-of-a-bitch," Gaara reprimanded halfheartedly.

And this was where Naruto quietly and inconspicuously turned his attention elsewhere.

Class ended without much excitement and everyone headed into the locker rooms. Quickly as ever, Naruto snagged a spot in the bathroom stall so he could change without being noticed. He was out and roaming the halls in less time than it took him to zip into the locker room. At this rate, he would be in Iruka's English class early.

…

Naruto took a detour.

He was enjoying a scenic view of the lockers in the school's westernmost hallway when a fellow cross-dresser caught his eye. Haku was daintily making his way down the hall in a blue terrycloth bathrobe.

Naruto took a moment to consider his friend's peculiar outfit. A blue terrycloth bathrobe that was _way_ too big for him. With a cute, harmless little duckling patched onto it.

How fluffy.

"Haku!" Naruto waved enthusiastically. Bathrobe-boy's eyes flickered for a moment before searching the crowd for a familiar face. His eyes met Naruto's and he smiled warmly. Haku sauntered across the hall.

"Good afternoon, Naruto," he greeted in his peculiar Haku way.

"Yo!" yelled Naruto before gesturing at Haku's clothing and inquiring, "What's the occasion?"

"Oh, this?" Haku tugged on the corners of his robe, curtsy style, "I got pushed into a puddle this morning."

Naruto frowned. "That sucks."

"Yeah," grinned Haku sheepishly, "But Master Zabuza lent me his robe."

Naruto floundered for words. "Th-that?" he pointed a denouncing finger at the duckling-themed bathrobe. Haku smiled his disarming little smile.

"You're kidding," coughed Naruto flatly. Zabuza was the kind of guy who would travel three thousand miles just to kick a puppy.

Twice.

There was absolutely _no_ way No-Brows could wear something _that_ cute. He'd, like, die of cute poisoning.

"I'm sorry," Naruto shook his head, "But asking me to imagine No-Brows in a ducky robe is like asking me to imagine Asuma in a mini-skirt. It was _not meant to be._"

"You're hopeless," giggled Haku. Before Naruto could make a comment on Haku's definition of 'hopeless,' the black-haired cross-dresser changed the subject. "Word on the street is that you're not as happy as usual."

"Uh, kinda," Naruto admitted, scratching his scalp with glossy fingernails, "How'd you know?"

"You'd be surprised what goes through the grapevine in this school," Haku remarked. Naruto rolled his eyes. "You're actually more popular than you know," chuckled Bathrobe-boy.

"Honored," Naruto deadpanned. He then looked up at the digital clock on the ceiling to find that he had two minutes to get his books out of his locker and run to Iruka's class. Without much forewarning, he waved at Haku and said, "Later!"

He'd only gone a few feet when Haku stopped him. Naruto looked questioningly into Bathrobe-boy's unusually mischievous eyes. "By the way," he hinted, "I saw Shikamaru paying Sakura twenty bucks by the vending machine."

----

Box number three.

There it was.

Of course, it took Sasuke's out-of-shape self a large amount of effort to get it there, but it lay on the floor nonetheless. Judging by the weight and the shuffling noise it made as Sasuke set it down, it was another box full of papers.

More photographs, most likely.

He tore the cardboard flaps away from the box and examined the contents.

He'd been wrong.

Some of the papers were photographs, but most of them were letters. Sasuke removed the topmost letter in the mismatched pile. He was infinitely amused to find it scrawled out on newsprint penmanship paper. Kyuubi had written it when she was six years old.

_Dear Daddy,_

It read.

_Your the bestist daddy in the hole wide world._

_-Love, Kyuubi_

It was scribbled in telltale immature handwriting, spelling errors and all. Sasuke couldn't help but smile.

He dug through another layer of first through third-grade writing assignments to find out that most of them were about her dad.

_I love you, daddy!_

_Bring me a pony home on the plane, daddy!_

_Sissy and I sent you chocolates, daddy!_

_Pain scored five goals in his soccer game today, daddy!_

Hmm… her dad must've been away a lot. Kyuubi's writing improved drastically between each school grade, probably due to the sheer amount of letters she'd composed to her father.

Sasuke found another oddity about Kyuubi's letter arrangement. If she stored all of her past letters in this box, wouldn't the oldest papers be at the bottom? More proof that she was hinting at something, Sasuke assumed.

Either that or she was OCD.

If the condition of the dusty basement room was to be considered, Kyuubi was not OCD.

Intrigued, Sasuke dug further.

His hands withdrew from the box pinching a standard size piece of printer paper with a photograph attached to it.

_Dear Daddy,_

_This is a picture of us that you can send to that lady you like…_

Sasuke got no further. He _had _to know who 'us' was. He flipped the piece of paper over the staple in the corner and found that a picture of three people was attached to the back. On the left was Kyuubi, sporting a gigantic smile and flaunting the gap made by a missing tooth. She brightened up the picture in her fake, plastic tiara with two gems missing and her glittering, yellow, princess dress. On the right was a slightly older girl wearing a fashionable pair of jeans and a blue T-shirt. She had brown hair and a troublesome scowl on her face.

Odd.

She had the same face as the blue-haired girl in the Literal Cultures Club photo. She had the same disdaining frown and leering eyes. She could have dyed her hair when she got older.

In the middle of the two polar opposite sisters was who Sasuke identified to be the ringleader of their dysfunctional troupe. He was a boy with blank, blue, sunburst eyes and hair the shade between that of Kyuubi and her sister. His height and languid posture combined with the look of straight-faced seriousness on his face suggested that he was older than both of his sisters.

Sasuke flipped the printer paper back into view and picked up where he left off.

_Dear Daddy,_

_This is a picture of us that you can send to that lady you like. Pain showed me the picture you sent of her. She looks kinda' old, but she's really pretty too!_

Well, the paper didn't say 'kinda.' It said 'kind of.' Sasuke found himself reading the paper in the voice of an imaginary eight-year-old Kyuubi, though.

_Is her son really older than Pain and Sissy? I wanna' meet him! Does he play checkers? Tell him to write back to me!_

_-Love, Kyuubi_

Normally, that would have been the end. However, there was more. It appeared to Sasuke that both of Kyuubi's siblings had added their own passages to the letter.

_Dear Dad,_

_It's hard to believe you're dating again. You just dumped your last girlfriend two weeks ago. I saw the photo and she looks like a nice person, but don't get carried away. I know how annoying it is to get hit on by a younger guy. (Please come home and tell the second-graders that I'm not interested. They don't listen when I yell.)_

How old was this girl? Sasuke took another peek at the attached picture. She didn't look much older than Kyuubi in terms of size, but something in her eyes suggested that she was much, much more mature. It showed in her writing. Sasuke found out how much older she was as he read on.

_Fourth grade was good this year-_

So she was one grade above Kyuubi.

_-but it wasn't the best. The extended-study-group my teacher put me in was annoying. All they did was talk all day. I was the only one who ever got anything done. My first-grade reading buddy picked his nose while I read to him. Do you know how disgusting that was?_

_On the bright side, there was nothing._

_So I'm going to stop complaining and let Pain finish the letter._

_P.S. Please send Kyuubi a letter. She never shuts up._

Sasuke found it strange that Kyuubi's sister didn't sign her section.

_Dad,_

_Thank you for the picture. I'm glad that you've found someone with more money than you. (Yes, I know all about that.) I don't care, though. Good for you, I say. Maybe now I'll actually get something good for my birthday._

Wow. What a personality.

_Things here are as they've always been. No one in this house agrees on anything. Kyuubi insists on calling her sister 'Sissy' just to spite her, 'Sissy' stays in her room all day, and I avoid both of them as much as I can._

_Kyuubi tried to cook dinner the other day while I was at soccer practice. She put a dozen eggs in the microwave. They all exploded._

_I can see why you don't want to talk to her, but please, send her a letter. She whines all day and all night about how you never send her anything. Just send her mail and she'll be happy. I appreciate the attention, but whenever you send a letter addressed to me, it's me who has to deal with Kyuubi's temper tantrums._

_One more thing. Your friend Madara, who you assigned to look after us, was a loon. His son called on Friday and told us that he'd be spending his time in a mental hospital from now on._

Madara? Sasuke didn't recognize the name.

_That alone is a reason to shut Kyuubi up and send her a letter. _I_ am the one who has to do _everything_ now. She's constantly annoying and I can't deal with her. I won't ask you to come home, but please, shut her up._

_-Pain_

_P.S. No thanks for the monthly boxes of Kyuubi's old letters. It would save you time and money just to reply back. Do you want her to think you don't care? If she finds out that you send them all back to me unanswered, I'll never hear the end of it._

Well that wasn't very nice. Come to think of it, out of all the letters Kyuubi had written to her father, Sasuke hadn't found a single one addressed to her. It was kind of sad, really.

What was the letter doing in a pile of sent-back papers anyway? Her father would have at least taken the picture and shown it to his girlfriend.

Unless he really was _that_ nasty. From what Sasuke could observe, Kyuubi's father was dating very far away.

Maybe he was trying to send the papers back so there was no proof that he had children. Maybe he was trying to teach Kyuubi a lesson. Maybe he was trying to dupe his girlfriend into thinking he had no kids.

Oh, that sick sonofabitch.

What kind of idiot left his kids under the care of a psychopath while he chased skirts around the globe? Irresponsible was too mellow a word for the situation. Sasuke tossed the letter aside in disgust and searched through the pile again.

One paper in particular caught his eye. It was a letter addressed to Kyuubi.

_Dear Miss Kyuubi,_

_Hey! I heard from this guy my mom's dating that there was someone in his hometown who wanted to write to me._

Hmm… It must've been a letter from Kyuubi's father's girlfriend's son. Why was he calling her 'someone in his hometown' instead of 'his daughter?' Maybe her father really was as scummy as Sasuke wanted to believe.

_My mom just left with her boyfriend on some weird honeymoon thing. They got married two days ago._

And _this_ was how Kyuubi was going to find out that her dad got married? Sasuke wondered if the honeymoon was Kyuubi's dad's way of avoiding confrontation with his step-son once he found out that his step-dad had kids.

_Anyway, my name's Jiraiya. I know. Awesome name, right? Kyuubi's a pretty cool name too. Do you have a computer? I do. I've got an e-mail address. E-mail's much better than sending letters back and forth. It's faster._

Jiraiya listed off a number of e-mail addresses.

_I've got a bunch of e-mail addresses so I can have multiple accounts on websites. I'm a cheater, I know._

_So what do you do for fun? Do you have any pets? Do you have an e-mail address so we can talk online?_

_Tell me!_

_-Sincerely, Jiraiya._

Jiraiya was a pretty cool name… Come to think of it, didn't Naruto say once that she had an uncle named Jiraiya? Kyuubi and Jiraiya must have figured their parents out if they were calling themselves siblings.

Sasuke wondered why Naruto never said anything about an aunt or another uncle. She never bragged about Aunt Whuzzername's superior intellect or Uncle Pain's soccer trophies. It was apparent by what Kyuubi's siblings wrote about her that she wasn't the most esteemed of children. Perhaps the two of them had distanced themselves from her.

In any case, it was apparent to Sasuke that Kyuubi had discovered the wonders of internet. No more letters to Jiraiya appeared. To top that off, her written work took a time-skip to late high school.

The more letters Kyuubi wrote to her college-student sister and her college-graduate brother, the more the malice between them became apparent. A rift had opened up between Kyuubi and her sister. 'Sissy' refused to reply to Kyuubi's letters, but the fire-haired girl continued to send them if only to make her angry.

_Sissy, Sissy, Sissy! You'll always be my Sissy!_

_I know you don't read these!_

_I'm just a stupid good-for-nothing dropout with a kid and a husband! That's more than you'll ever have!_

_Vader wouldn't even kiss your ugly-ass face!_

_Do me a favor and stop sending my letters back! You're just like dad! Is that what you want? If you don't read my letters, just throw them the fuck away!_

_Why do you all hate me!? WHAT DID I DO WRONG!?_

And so on, and so on.

Sasuke came across another letter to Kyuubi's older brother. Oddly enough, all of the letters to her brother had been photocopied. Perhaps her brother actually kept her letters. Kyuubi must have photocopied them before she sent them. Why, though?

_Dear Pain-in-my-ass,_

_How are you? What kinda' shit have you gotten yourself into? Not much, I imagine, boring person that you are. I bet you're broke, too, just graduating and all! Guess what? I have money! I have friends, too. I bet you couldn't make a friend to save your life._

_You wouldn't make a very good uncle either. Hell, you _aren't _making a good uncle. You never come to visit. Even in college, you never came to visit. Oh sure, college students are busy, busy, busy, but I knew students who worked twice as hard as you and even _they_ came to visit! Jiraiya's a better uncle than you! He's a whole fucking lot better than you ever were! You hate Naruto, don't you? You say you hate me, but you hate the friggin' ground I walk on! You hate everything that has to do with me!_

_You can go ahead and hate me, but hating Naruto is just plain stupid. What did he ever do to you?_

Typo. It was a typo.

_At least Naruto and I are loved by someone, which is more than can be said of you. Good luck with that attitude of yours. I hope you and your Bachelor's Degree are happy together._

_Go put a fucking piercing through your skull!_

_-Lots and LOTS of love, Kyuubi._

As annoying as it would be to have a little sister like Kyuubi, a little piece of Sasuke's heart died with each letter he read. She was acting that way because she wanted to be recognized. She popped the half a dozen eggs into the microwave because she wanted to make someone happy. She wanted to cook dinner so her older brother or sister would say 'Hey, this is good!' She wanted to bother her sister with a nickname to get some sort of a reaction out of her. She wanted to nag at her brother so he would come and visit her.

Kyuubi sent all of those letters hoping that _someone_ would notice.

She hoped that _someone_ would care.

Sasuke skimmed over most of Pain's replies to Kyuubi's fiery letters. Most of them contained the words 'You're wrong,' and 'you're being irrational,' but at least he was writing back.

After that layer of letters, Sasuke found something heartbreaking.

It was a newspaper clipping of a page of 'Dear Abby' snippets circa Kyuubi's middle school days. The city paper had a 'Dear Alex' and a 'Dear Abby.' One of the passages, the largest, bolded, centermost, and by far the most extensive of the bunch, was circled in purple gel-pen.

One look and Sasuke knew that Kyuubi was the one who wrote it.

_Dear Alex,_

_I know it's weird for me to write to you instead of Abby about this, but I've read your advice and I live by it. I want to hear from you. Why does everyone love sons more than daughters? Why is it more important to be smart than to be nice? Why does the youngest only get hand-me-downs while the oldest gets anything he wants? I need your help._

_-Wanting to be special._

My god.

She wanted her dad to pay attention to her. She wondered why everyone looked at her and saw only the shadow of her older siblings.

She was just like…

…Sasuke.

Sasuke was never 'Sasuke.' He had always been 'Itachi's younger brother.' His father never complemented him, yet, whenever Itachi got an above average score on anything, he was cheered out of the house. Tsunade always told Sasuke that he was the nicest little boy she'd ever met. His father would accept a paper from Itachi over a hug from Sasuke any day.

And yet…

He had been too young to hate his brother for it.

In that sense, Kyuubi and Sasuke had nothing in common. Sasuke's family had been taken away from him at a young enough age that he missed it. Had he gotten any older, Itachi wouldn't have been his idol. Itachi would have been his _rival_. Itachi wouldn't have distanced himself from Sasuke. Sasuke would have distanced himself from _Itachi_.

Kyuubi's siblings _were_ her rivals. She _had _distanced herself from both of them. She'd gone too long without love equaling that of her older counterparts.

And it had _destroyed _her family.

Sasuke ran his fingers across the fuzzy sides of the ripped piece of newspaper.

Being the featured submission of the day, in equally large, bolded, centered font beneath Kyuubi's plea for help, there was a response.

_Dear Wanting to be special,_

_It is very difficult and uncommon for most people to write to me concerning such deep matters, but I'll try to answer as best I can. _

_People love sons more than daughters not because they're more important, but because they were raised thinking that every man is smarter, stronger, and better than a woman. It's foolish to assume such a thing, considering how many women are smarter, stronger, and better than I am. _

_Most assume that the smartest are the most productive of human beings. I, however, am a firm believer that being able to think with people is more important than being able to think for_ _them. _

_As for the hand-me-downs, it's just a good way to save money._

_Keep on believing!_

_-Alex._

It was a well-written, if a bit wordy advice article.

Sasuke fiddled with the edges of the worn newspaper and smiled.

He wondered who 'Alex' was.

The Uchiha set the article of paper in a different area for further reference. The next few papers looked as if they'd been printed directly off of a website.

They were lists of editors and journalists in the city newspaper.

Sasuke laughed. God, Kyuubi was persistent. The true name of 'Alex' wasn't displayed in the advice section, so she had done all the research she could to find out who he was.

The first few papers told Sasuke nothing. The next bunch, however, cross-referenced from different websites, had several purple gel-pen circles around different words and sentence fragments.

_Freshman in high school devoting spare time to advice columns…_

_Father's name…_

_Konoha…_

A hand-written, bubbly message was written on the very last page. It was surrounded by purple heart scribbles and festive marks of Sasuke knew not what. In the midst of all the chaos was written Kyuubi's enthusiastic conclusion.

Sasuke stared disbelievingly at the cheery little paper.

Impossible.

Kyuubi had met her future husband through a newspaper advice column.

----

Naruto came home that evening to a slightly better-tempered Sasuke. He knew this because the ailing Uchiha actually bothered to wave a hello at him. Interpreting the gesture as an invitation to smother Sasuke with love, Naruto happily bounced onto the Couch and bowled him over.

"Dobe!" Sasuke hissed, "I can't breathe! Get off!"

Naruto was overjoyed to oblige. Once Sasuke had re-situated himself at the other end of the Couch and caught his breath, Naruto said, "Are you feeling better today?"

"Until about five seconds ago," came the heaved reply.

"Aww!" Naruto mewled, "Don't be such a stick in the mud Sasuke-wasuke."

"That again?" Sasuke scoffed. Naruto only crawled to the Uchiha's side of the Couch and hugged him. Sasuke didn't squirm much, which was a good sign. The blonde settled himself on Sasuke's side, using his shoulder as a pillow.

Bad idea.

"Sasuke," Naruto sighed dreamily. The addressed Uchiha sighed an equally dreamy "Hmmmm?"

"You should get fat."

Sasuke was silent for a grand total of five seconds. "Naruto," he crooned, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Liar," Naruto snapped, "I've said stupider things."

"Probably," remarked Sasuke.

"I don't think it's as stupid as you say," Naruto yawned, "You'd be so much more comfy to sit on."

"And that's exactly what I want, Naruto," said Sasuke dryly, "To be comfy to sit on."

Naruto's whisker-marks curled in a grin. "Just you watch," he said, "When we get old, I'm gonna' be the one doing all the work and you'll be watching football on TV, eating Ritz crackers, and drinking beer. You'll make sumo-wrestling look like a kiddie sport."

"Wow," remarked Sasuke. He then turned his head and searched Naruto's wide, blue eyes with obsidian ones of his own. "You're really thinking that far ahead?"

Naruto shrugged. "Well, yeah."

"You date for life, huh?" Sasuke's sneer reflected in the light from the television.

"Umm, duh," Naruto stated. Didn't everyone?

"Most girls I know have dated more guys then there are minutes in a day," Sasuke explained, "There are plenty of fish in the sea and they've caught, gutted, and eaten most of them. You really think I'm going to be able to stand you for the rest of my life?"

"Well, I think I've seen the worst you can dish out," Naruto hinted. His boyfriend's drug problem had hit him like a ton of bricks.

Sasuke's eyes both darkened and lit up in a split second. "I guess," he admitted.

Naruto smiled sheepishly, not believing what he was about to say. "I've gotten over your problems. I just hope you can get over mine!"

Just as he expected, the Uchiha took it as a joke. "Hah, yeah," Sasuke chuckled. "I've been around Sakura so much, I know PMS like the back of my hand."

Hah! PMS…

"Don't say I didn't warn you!" Naruto yelled with a nervous smile.

Who was Naruto kidding? Sasuke was bound to find out sooner or later that he was a guy. He _had _to. In reality, Naruto hadn't been thinking that far ahead. The statement had come out of his mouth purely as a spur-of-the-moment deal.

In any case, his mom had taught him that it was okay to date around, but not to date purely to raise his social ranking.

Which completely clashed with her 'Go date rich men' philosophy.

…God, she was weird.

Naruto knew Kyuubi wanted to mooch as much money as possible from his friends, but for some reason, Naruto had never caught her trying to.

He decided to inform Sasuke of this.

"My mom always told me never to go out with anyone just to increase my popularity, but she also told me that I should only date rich guys like you."

Sasuke snorted, "That sounds a bit two-faced."

Naruto shrugged. His mom always had been a hard one to read.

Sasuke seemed in contemplation of furthering the subject. "Do you remember anything about your mom when you were little?"

Naruto was hit unexpectedly by the question and tightened one corner of his lips in confusion. The Uchiha noticed Naruto's uneasiness and offered, "Just wanting to know."

Naruto thought a moment. There wasn't anything special about his past memories. He didn't know what Sasuke wanted to do with them, but he offered what little he knew.

"Well, I don't remember a lot from when I was little. Most of my memories are of my dad and my turtle." The blonde raised a manicured fingernail to his lips before adding, "And Jiraiya. I told you about Jiraiya, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Sasuke replied.

Naruto rolled onto his heels and hunched over in thought. He didn't have a lot of memories. He only remembered the small, unimportant things that stood out the most. His dad didn't visit often, so Naruto supposed it was natural for his mind to pick the rarity out and cherish it.

"You don't have any other relatives than your mom and Jiraiya, huh?" Sasuke asked suddenly.

"Nope," Naruto replied. None he could think of, anyway. Except… "The word 'grandpa' in my house is taboo," he laughed, "If I say, 'mom, do I have a grandpa?' she gets all fluffy and mad. I think I have a grandpa, but my mom hates him."

Sasuke hummed thoughtfully to himself. "No aunts and uncles?"

"Jiraiya."

"Besides him."

"Nope. None."

Once again, Sasuke crooned thoughtfully to no one in particular. Naruto became concerned. "Why do you wanna' know?"

"I had a big family," Sasuke monologued with a shrug of the shoulders, "We were all very close. Family reunions were the highlight of my dad's life. He talked all the time to the family members he loved, but he pretended that the ones who disappointed him simply _didn't exist_."

Oh…

…

That was sad.

----

So Naruto didn't remember her mom's siblings at all. She never saw Pain or this 'Sissy' Kyuubi always mentioned. She never met her real aunt and uncle, yet the bond between her and her step-uncle was built strong. Sasuke wondered if she even knew Jiraiya was her step-uncle.

The phone rang.

Naruto immediately raised her hand with a noisy exclamation of "I'll get it!" before vaulting off of the unstable Couch and dashing into the kitchen.

Having nothing better to do, Sasuke watched as the colors from the television danced on the wall. He eavesdropped on Naruto's conversation.

"Uzumaki residence, Naruto speaking."

A pause.

"She isn't available at the moment. Can I take a message?"

Another pause. The wall turned blue and the Couch's shadow shifted places.

"Who?"

Naruto didn't sound alarmed, but Sasuke was more than wary of the lack of recognization in her voice.

"Oh!" a relieving laugh, "Sorry about that. I'll tell her. Bye!"

The phone clacked back into place and the noisy pounding of Naruto's heels across the floor grew more prominent. When Sasuke deemed her within earshot, he asked, "Who was that?"

Naruto fell back into the Couch, which definitely should have sagged by now, and replied, "One of my mom's girlfriends I think. They've all got funky nicknames for each other."

Sasuke wondered who Kyuubi's 'girlfriends' were. He asked.

"Oh," Naruto blew a puff of air at her bangs, "Just a bunch of girls she works with."

Sasuke inquired about her wording again. He knew very well that Kyuubi wasn't the most virtuous of women, as Naruto had told him. The Uchiha didn't know to what extent, though. "You've told me about her line of work before, but what does she do again?"

Naruto tilted her head and blinked a forest of black eyelashes at him. "She's an exotic dancer."

Sasuke choked on an air pocket.

Concerned, Naruto was immediately at his side, waiting to nail him in the back of the ribs in case he stopped breathing. Sasuke tried his best to keep breathing. "You mean," he coughed, "she's the kind of woman who walks around in a thong with a bunch of _ones _peeking out of her ass?"

"Yup," admitted Naruto with her hands on her hips.

Sasuke scoffed, "Does she ever bring any guys home?"

Naruto thought about it for a second, as if none of this bothered her. "She used to," she decided after a long, painful, not-silence. "But that was before fifth grade. After that, there were less guys. Still, I don't understand why she kept inviting them over. She always ended up crying…"

Sasuke made no comment.

Instead, he opted to prod at Kyuubi's nature a little bit more.

"If she loved your dad so much, why'd she do it?"

Silence.

Sasuke focused on a glowing pink part of the wall just past the back of Naruto's head. The Itachi voice showed up again.

_Good going, asshole._

"Uh…" Naruto offered awkwardly, "When I was little, I think it was because she needed money and she was trying to buy a new… house…"

Naruto blinked. Silently. Bad things happened when Lady-Talk-a-Lot stopped jabbering and her mind started working.

"Sasuke..?" came a hesitant inquiry. Sasuke looked into Naruto's flashing blue eyes. For a minute, the only sound came from the Eggo commercial on the TV. "Nothing," Naruto dismissed suddenly with a flick of the hair.

Sasuke knew a _something_ when he heard one. Naruto, however, obviously didn't want to elaborate.

Naruto sighed. "She was really sad when my dad died. I think she thought it was her fault. It sounds really cliché, and I mean really, _really_ cliché, but maybe it was her way of punishing herself."

Sasuke nodded.

Yes. It _was_ incredibly cliché. People didn't have sex to punish themselves. They did it because they _liked _it. Any whore who tried to pass her occupation off as repentance was a liar. However, Kyuubi was so romantic, it might have worked.

And Naruto said Kyuubi wanted to buy a new house with that money. Naruto had no memories of any other houses other than this one. She must've blown it all on something else. Plus, why was she so desperate to pay the house off in cash? Perhaps she wanted to avoid home loans in order to avoid excess records…

Bingo.

She didn't want_ someone_ to know where she lived.

The Akatsu-

No.

Sasuke cut the thought off right there. Still, his imagination bypassed the proverbial butcher-knife of Sasuke's reluctance and roamed onward. Perhaps, if she once knew the Akatsuki, they were her allies and she was trying to hide from the police. The police, however, had access to every purchase Kyuubi ever made. Her house, her car…

Her car.

The one that she'd repainted and fabricated fake license plates for.

…Okay. Considering the lack of enthusiasm in Konoha's current police department, changing the plates on her car would give her a head-start. If she was really robbing banks in her spare time, she could switch plates whenever the need arose.

…But fabricating legal items was no picnic. Sasuke had personally examined the plates at three-o-clock one morning and found them to be flawless. Perhaps she had allies in the license plate business.

Sasuke had a hell of a time getting Naruto's number and her house was situated in the most confusing cul-de-sac he'd ever seen. It was impossible to coordinate a large-scale attack on her house. The houses were also so packed together that if anything happened to one house, the neighborhood would know about it.

She was either hiding from the police…

Or she was a secret agent.

…Or something.

A soft weight suddenly settled itself on his side. Sasuke snapped out of his reverie and examined the foreign object with interest.

Naruto had flopped down over the right side of his body and now lay there, motionless, save for the pressing motion of her ribcage against him every time she breathed. The weight was bothersome at first, as Sasuke couldn't breathe. It only took him seconds to adjust, though. He couldn't push her off.

She was too cuddly.

"Saaaaaasuke?" she breathed airily. Sasuke rolled his eyes and replied with a vaguely interested "Hm?"

Naruto inhaled a deep, sleepy sigh. "Would you still love me if I were a guy?"

Rhyming aside, it was a peculiar question. Sasuke heard from Shikamaru once that women asked these sorts of things, but it confused the hell out of him as to why. Very few things confused Shikamaru.

Sasuke didn't want to answer the question, but he had to. If he said, 'Yeah, I'd still love you,' not only would it be a lie, but he would also seem like a queer. If he said, 'No,' he could hurt Naruto's feelings.

Well, damn.

Being in a lose-lose situation, Sasuke gambled on speaking his mind.

"If you were a guy," Sasuke explained, "you'd probably be a good friend." He buttered his words up so Naruto wouldn't be too devastated. She could understand, right? "But I don't think I could… you know… _love_ you. It wouldn't be the same if you were a guy. You're… you."

"But!" Naruto argued cheekily with a finger in the air, "I'd still be me. I'd be the exact same person you've been hugging and kissing and calling a Dobe all this time. If you loved me when I was a girl, it would be just the same."

Sasuke figured Naruto would pull the 'It'd be the same thing' trick on him.

News!

It wasn't the same!

Sasuke fell in love with a _girl_. He was straight. If Naruto was a guy, Sasuke would have gone with 'let's hang out occasionally,' instead of 'kiss me, you fool!'

"It's not the same," Sasuke argued, "Guys are supposed to love girls. That's the way things work."

"Are you telling me that you fell in love with me just because I'm a girl, then?"

Sasuke floundered for words.

Bad.

Bad, bad, bad!

He needed to say something good. He had to sugarcoat everything he just said or Naruto would give him hell for it. Either that or he had to make Naruto do the floundering. Alas, when he found nothing better to say, he retorted, "Would you love me if I was a _girl_?"

That ought to get Naruto's lips working.

Sasuke was surprised beyond words for what she said next.

"Of course I would. You'd be the hottest girl I ever saw."

Confused, alarmed, flattered, and in disbelief, Sasuke unceremoniously rolled out from under Naruto and searched her eyes from the living room floor. He knew exactly what he was looking for: glancing away, twitching of the eyes, discomfort. Sasuke saw none of it.

He saw her bright, matter-of-fact blue eyes, completely still and insightful as ever. The whisker marks on her cheeks made no moves, save for the characteristic curve to the contour of her smile. Her shoulders were pressed into her chest as she leaned in with her hands on her knees.

It was as if she really, truly, and completely meant everything she said.

In the midst of all this floundering, Naruto's smile broadened and her eyes shut excitedly. "We'd have hot lesbian sex together and your name would be Sasukina!"

Well.

There was nothing Sasuke had to say to that.

Naruto saved him from replying yet again when she presented him with another proposition. "Say that all this time, I've been a boy."

Sasuke stuttered. He did _not _stutter! Ever!

Naruto egged him on. "You know…" she crooned, "A Dick, not a Jane."

A _WHAT???_

"A hot dog, not a doughnut. An 'out,' not an 'in.' A Jack, not a Jill. A-"

"Alright!" Sasuke yelled with his fingers in his ears. He did _not_ need to hear that. Now he was stuck thinking about Naruto with pecs, hairy legs, a moustache, chest hair, and biceps that could block out the sun on one side of the globe. Not to mention a huge, long, pulsing…

…Eww.

Just eww.

Eww, eww, eww, eww, eww.

Sasuke could have gone his whole life without a nightmarish vision like that.

Naruto's smile shrank and her shoulders slumped. Her sunny blonde hair dulled and her whisker-marks drooped. "'No,' huh?" she offered weakly.

Defeated in mind, body, and spirit, Sasuke exhaled a despairing sigh.

Naruto drew her feet toward her. "I guess I can't blame you," she stated sanely, "It would be really weird, huh? I mean, you're Sasuke Uchiha! The last of the Uchihas! You wanna' have kids, right?"

Was… was she spiting him now? Was Naruto suggesting that his only reason for falling in love was that he wanted _kids_?

Heirs?

"Naruto," Sasuke sighed, "I just… why are you being difficult?"

No reply.

Oh. Jesus. No. She wasn't. _She _wasn't! That thing in Kyuubi's letter to Pain… it was a typo. It was a typo!

"Please, Naruto," Sasuke lamented with his fingers to his eyelids, "Please tell me you're not a guy."

Naruto scoffed. "Tch! No…"

Sasuke wasn't listening to the five second pause. He wasn't listening to the 'Tch!'

All Sasuke heard was the 'No.' That was all he needed to hear.

"But if I was-"

"Is it just me or have we covered this ground before?" Sasuke snapped. Naruto recoiled and pressed her spine into the Couch.

He was probably being harsh, but Sasuke didn't want to talk about it right then. He didn't want to talk about it ever. The thought of a guy loving another guy… like Gaara and Neji… was disgusting. It was _not normal_. He could tolerate Gaara and Neji, since he barely knew either of them and borderline hated both of them.

But the thought of _Sasuke_ being gay was… well… unthinkable.

And the image of Naruto as a guy made him want to puke.

…Maybe.

If what Naruto proposed was to be taken seriously, here _he_ was. _He _didn't look like a guy at all. _He_ was sweet, cuddly, funny, and kissable. Loving a He-Naruto was basically like loving a girl anyway.

Yeah.

Just like loving a girl.

Girls whined, they cried, they made mountains out of molehills… everything Naruto did.

Still…

Gay?

If Naruto was a guy, did that make Sasuke gay?

Boy, if Itachi heard that one. And that was another reason why Sasuke couldn't possibly be gay, even if he wanted to (which he _didn't_, goddammit). Itachi would laugh and laugh and laugh. Being gay would make Sasuke weak. He couldn't let Itachi see that he was weak.

Sasuke was_ not _gay, his girlfriend was _not _a boy, and he was most definitely _not_ weak.

End of story.

As if stalking his thoughts, Kyuubi suddenly marched into the kitchen with a cheery cry of "I'm home!"

The greeting fizzled pathetically through the gloomy air and suffocated itself into oblivion.

Kyuubi noticed this and poked her head into the living room. She crossed her arms and leaned in the archway. "Whussup?" she asked.

"Oh nothing," Naruto announced as if there really wasn't anything wrong, "Just talking is all."

"Oh," Kyuubi replied, "Well you two look about as lively as a decaying- Sasuke, what are you doing on the floor?"

"Sitting," Sasuke offered obviously.

Kyuubi blinked flatly at him before turning her attention to Naruto. "Did you push him off?"

"Hmm mm," the blonde girl mumbled a negative, "He rolled off."

Kyuubi shot them both looks that said she knew exactly what had transpired in the living room. Instead of mentioning anything about her suspicions, she announced, "I'm making chicken for dinner."

Oh… great. Chicken.

Yum.

She slumped pathetically against the archway and grumbled, "Don't you all jump up and hug me at once…" She then stalked into the kitchen again.

Suddenly, Naruto's voice piped up from the Couch. "Hey Mom! I almost forgot! One of your girlfriends called!"

Kyuubi's face appeared once again, looking perky and interested. "Really? Who?"

"Some 'Sissy' girl."

Sasuke's heart froze.

Kyuubi's lips remained in a smile, but she didn't reply for a full five seconds. Considering how quick she usually was, five seconds was a very long time.

Apparently oblivious to the heart-stopping ice in the room, Naruto continued. "She said you've wanted her to call you for a really long time."

Yeah. _About fifteen years._

Why would she be calling now? Sasuke could only imagine what Kyuubi and her sister had to talk about.

The redhead hid it well, but Sasuke saw fear flutter through her eyes before it was replaced by a leer of unusual thoughtfulness. "I haven't talked to her in years," she mused, "One day, she moved away. I kept trying to talk to her, but she never got back to me. I annoyed her so much…"

Suddenly, Kyuubi laughed.

"Ha, ha! She's going to kill me."

----

**Chibi Sasuke:** _**Spoilers**_** ahead, folks. For those of you who aren't in the 360's in terms of manga chapters, DON'T READ THE A/N if you don't want to know what happens! God, I love being bolded.**

**Me: Don't let it get to your head, idiot.**

**Chibi Naruto: I LIKE CHEESECAKE! 8D**

----

Chibi Gaara: Another cliffy? You have to be kidding me.

Chibi Neji: -reading- Sasuke, you bastard! I'll show you _disgusting!_

Me: Well, as I'm sure you've noticed, I'm late.

Chibi Naruto: -gasp- You're LATE???

Me: No, dumbass. Posting late. I read the latest chapters of Naruto and… Dei-chan died!

Chibi Deidara: -poof- _What_, yeah???

Me: It made me so saaaddd! I went into this depression for about a week. But then… Kishimoto made me the happiest girl in the world. He knows exactly how to make a fangirl shake her arms and go 'EEEEEEEE!!!!' really loud. Not only is Tobi alive, kicking, and evil (not to mention giving the Tobito theory some serious proof), but I got to see what the remaining two members of the Akatsuki look like. I gotta' say, the leader is just adowabibble! I wanna' squish him! Him and his crazy piercings…

Chibi Kakashi: I bet he has a Prince Al-

Chibi Iruka: LA LA LA LA LA!

Chibi Deidara: …So what am I supposed to do now, yeah?

Me: You're supposed to stay here so I can pretend you didn't blow yourself up.

Chibi Deidara: Fine, yeah.

Chibi Neji: Cookies for reviewers! If we have any cake, we might hand you that as well.

Me: I thought that I might add… questions that ask anything about the future plot line WILL NOT BE ANSWERED:3 I love leaving you people in suspense. It makes me feel powerful.

Chibi Naruto: Any other questions, she'll try to answer.

Chibi Gaara: Room of Doom Arc installment 2, end! Hoorah! Review, review, review!


	25. Viper in the grass

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer: (((**Noke Cat owns this chapter! 8D))) and Black Light Burns (along with their awesomely awesome song, Lies) belong to themselves.

**Chibi Sasuke: If you thought the last spoilers Swirl had were bad, you'd better take a look at these! Jesus! –ded-**

Me: Ehmigawd. I already had a rant prepared for this chapter, but… well…

Chibi Gaara: Chapter 367 was just too KuurrRRACK-TASTIC not to rant about!

Me: Damnz yes! I am TEH JEENYUS. Naruto's dad WAS the Fourth Hokage! His mom DID have red hair, a tomboyish attitude, and a habit of talking too much! –rolls on the floor with excitement-

Chibi Neji: Yeah, but… aren't their names different?

Me: You never know… their names might be aliases. –sly grin-

Chibi Gaara: If that's the case, then what about Kyuubi's name? She was called 'Kyuubi' when she was a kid! It's a bit late for you to patch that one up.

Me: Oh, you never know… it could've been a nickname for her nine-pointed hairstyle. Either that or her sister wanted to get back at her.

Chibi Gaara: FINE! Then how do you explain them having fucking _aliases_ in high school?

Me: Now, I'd be delving into my deepest plotline to tell you that… Nyahaha! Why, indeed, would 'Arashi' and 'Kyuubi' have aliases in high school?

Chibi Gaara: I bet you AREN'T going to tell us.

Me: You're absolutely right.

Chibi Gaara: Graaahhh! –kicks a puppy-

Me: I love Kishimoto. Kishimoto is my God. Worship him. Now.

Chibi Gaara: Err… let's start the fic before anything weird happens… read, review and… Swirl, what are you doing?

Me: Kukuku… Heh heh heh… BWAAAHAHAHAHA! Todai is teh happyist dai of mi lief!

Chibi Gaara: Jesus Christ! Read, review, and relax, people!

**J L H 25**

It didn't take a genius to realize something weird was going on. Since the mysterious call from Kyuubi's not-sister, the fire-haired woman had been on constant lookout. She stayed home from work, she went on 'walks' that often lasted five minutes or less, and she insisted that Temari take Naruto to and from school every day.

There was even talk of selling her house. Every once in a while, she'd walk by, humming something to herself about figuring out how much money her home was worth.

The weather got worse outside, changing from cool breezes and cloudy skies to flurries of snow. While everyone else in the neighborhood was out shoveling their walks, Kyuubi insisted that leaving her sidewalk icy was half of the fun. She claimed to love laughing at the children who fell on it.

Sasuke had a feeling that there was a different reason.

She left snow banks in her yard at least two feet thick and piled snow from the alley in a wall shielding the back door. Sasuke caught her on the roof once during a blizzard, trickling water from a hose out onto the eaves.

The water made for some huge icicles.

In short, Sasuke suspected Kyuubi was booby-trapping her property.

He contemplated showing her the peculiar note the lawn guy left, but Sasuke had a feeling that whatever hidden message it contained, Kyuubi already knew.

With the fox-woman patrolling her den all the time, Sasuke never got enough alone time to sneak into the basement. He absolutely _knew_ Kyuubi wanted him poking around down there, but he dared not trespass on her personal life while she was there.

Sasuke was left wrapped in blankets in Naruto's colder-than-hell room, thinking. Thinking was not something Sasuke did well.

Speaking of not thinking, Naruto had been acting shy ever since the 'If I was a boy' talk. Sasuke felt somewhat guilty for what he said, but he was telling the truth. If Naruto was a guy… then Sasuke would be gay. If Sasuke was gay, Itachi would find out. If Itachi found out, Itachi would slit his throat for real.

Sasuke was beginning to think that the bloody knife in his dresser wouldn't help him a single bit. Symbolism would be useless. If Itachi came to call, Sasuke didn't know what he'd do.

He'd run and run and cling desperately to life.

That's what he'd do.

Naruto brought the subject back from the dead one evening and beat it with a stick.

"_Not all gay people are sissies, you know. That's just a stereotype."_

Then Sasuke retorted that every gay man he heard about acted like a woman. Naruto shot back that she was a woman, and was perfectly capable of giving him a black eye or two. Sasuke insisted that all gay men were weak.

"_Oh really? Gaara could kick your ass any day of the week, and he's a UKE!"_

Naruto was… probably right. Gaara had a mean streak wider than Kisame did.

Speaking of Kisame, Sasuke hadn't visited with him for a while. The shark was probably wondering where he was since he didn't answer his phone. Unless he already _knew _where he was…

And this led Sasuke back to thinking about the Akatsuki. Kisame had been one of the smiling subjects of the Literal Cultures Club photograph. The demon-shark had connections everywhere. Sasuke could only assume that one of his connections, and perhaps the strongest, lay in the Akatsuki.

Itachi had been in the picture too, yet Sasuke was led to believe that Itachi joined the infamous gang, not that he was there from the start. He talked about 'Akatsuki' this and 'Akatsuki' that. Perhaps, for all his idolizing, Itachi had been one of them all along.

Perhaps Itachi was trying to _tell _him something.

Hell if Sasuke knew.

He was tired of searching the floor for dropped hints. He wished someone would outright inform him that 'THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:' so he could get on with his life.

The only way he was going to get any straight information on the Akatsuki was if he asked one of the members. Hell if he was sparking a conversation with Kisame. But…

Kyuubi.

Chances were, Kyuubi knew all about them. If Sasuke asked her, she was going to act like it was no big deal, and if she wondered why he was so interested, it was because he wanted to know more about his brother.

Mind made up, Sasuke wriggled out of his quilts and made for the floor. The cold air hit him like a wall of water and the freezing Uchiha stole a blanket off of the bed to take with him. He wrapped it around his shoulders and bounded down the stairs.

The instant his feet hit the first floor, Kyuubi's cheery voice rang out from the kitchen. "Sasuke! You're up!" The addressed Uchiha peered into the kitchen to find the fox-woman herself pouring chocolate syrup into cookie-cutters on top of a pan full of snow.

In his mind, Sasuke had envisioned conversation between Kyuubi and himself to come easily. However… speaking to another person's mother was a bit nerve-racking. He made small-talk before spewing questions about the Akatsuki.

"What are you making?" he asked, feeling very, very small.

"Chocolate," Kyuubi piped up, "but we've gotta' keep it in the freezer or it'll melt all over everything."

Sasuke could say he was genuinely interested. Almost. He pretended to be interested the whole nine yards with the purpose of making conversation more flowing. "You mean like chocolate bars?"

"Yep!" Kyuubi chattered again as if she were talking to an old friend, "Every winter Naruto and I go out and buy tons of hardening chocolate syrup." She spun around temporarily and added, "You know, the kind that hardens on ice cream?"

Sasuke nodded.

"And we make chocolate bars out of it! It's cheap, it's easy, and it's fun to eat!" Kyuubi went on and on, as if she couldn't live without talking. "One time, Naruto and I went into the grocery store and acted like idiots until the clerk gave us ten bottles of syrup for free 'cuz we made him laugh so hard." She enthusiastically slapped one knee and laughed, "Sometimes it pays to act stupider than you really are!"

Uh, yeah. Stupider.

Kyuubi's laugh trickled down over the course of fifteen seconds and she asked Sasuke to put one tray of chocolate into the freezer for her. Having nothing better to do, Sasuke agreed. Kyuubi's face leered expectantly at him from behind the closing freezer door. "I know that look," she said, "Naruto gets it whenever she wants to ask me an embarrassing question."

Damn. Sasuke's shoulders slumped a bit and he knitted his eyebrows together. Kyuubi smiled her inviting smile and leaned back against the counter. "Go ahead. Splurge."

Sasuke wanted to shoot all sorts of questions into the air, but his intake of breath morphed into a sigh. He didn't know exactly what to ask. Perhaps a broad question would suit him best. The dark-haired boy clenched the fingers on his right hand and breathed, "What exactly is the Akatsuki?"

Kyuubi tilted her head and her eyes shone for a moment before she stuck a toothpick between her teeth and asked, "What's so interesting about them?"

"My brother talked about them a lot," Sasuke admitted, hoping she'd take the bait.

The red-haired woman chewed thoughtfully on her toothpick and hefted herself up onto the counter. "It's a gang."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Duh."

Kyuubi giggled and said, "Siddown."

Not wanting to sit at a lower level than her, Sasuke rejected the dining chairs. Instead, he picked a spot between the toaster and the fridge and jumped up onto the counter as well.

"The Akatsuki are a group of people," Kyuubi began while chewing on her toothpick, "Who specialize in torture, terrorism, and creating a nuisance. From what I've heard, their base used to be an abandoned house in the River District. The police pushed them out, though. I dunno' where they are now, but I could guess that it's somewhere in Kiri, the Mist District. However…" Kyuubi took a deep breath through clenched teeth in an imitation of a cigarette drag, "There's another mob stationed in Kiri. Some drug lord named Gatou runs it."

As Sasuke listened, he couldn't help but notice how much she knew about gang territory.

"The Akatsuki hold control over three of the five major districts. They've got Suna, Kumo, and Iwa. I hear the Mist Mafia, Gatou's people, are many in number. The Akatsuki probably don't want a bloodbath fighting over their territory. They can't take Konoha because of the police department. The law may be in shambles, but Konoha is its final refuge, so the police are going to fight for it."

Kyuubi took another long drag of her toothpick.

"The weird thing is, the Akatsuki is an organization made up of no more than ten members at a time. They hire extra people from allied groups only when they need help recovering lost territory or gaining another district." She suddenly raised her eyes to the sky and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Let's see…" she hummed, "I think there's a demolitions expert, a spy, a con artist, a drug lord, an interrogator, two hitmen, one surveyor, and one 'mastermind' for lack of a better phrase. There used to be someone in charge of concealing evidence, but he was killed."

Sasuke was now interested. "How'd he die?" he asked.

"Lemme see," Kyuubi recalled, "There was a rebellion within the Akatsuki at least seven years ago. I think, anyway. I can't remember. Anyway, one of their members betrayed him and shot him. I don't know if it was an accident or if it was on purpose."

"Maybe the guy who shot him thought he was someone else?" Sasuke suggested with the purpose of furthering the subject.

Kyuubi's eyes narrowed slightly and she popped the toothpick further out of her lips. "Yes," she mused, "Possibly."

Sasuke thought back to the photograph and wondered which one of them died. Was it even one of them? Was it a member who joined later? Who knew.

"The person who shot the other one, on accident or on purpose, was the Akatsuki's other spy," Kyuubi explained. "He was in charge of leaking police information to them and making sure their hideouts were unknown to the public."

"What happened to him?" Sasuke asked, on the edge of his seat.

Kyuubi took another drag of her toothpick. "Oh, no one knows," she breathed, "That was the one person the Akatsuki couldn't kill."

----

Naruto was walking home from school that day, minding his own business, when some yahoo in a white, nineteen-sixties-ish Corvette decided to swerve into a slush-puddle and shoot wet snow all over his jeans. His eyebrows shot upward when he felt the cold sensation oozing through his thigh. After that, he stopped in his tracks and pulled at the hems of his girl-pants to assess the damage.

Naruto immediately diagnosed two things.

First off, he was wet. If time passed in this cold weather and his pants persisted in being wet, he would get sick. Not only would he get sick, but his temperature would drop drastically. He'd be very uncomfortable.

Second off, he needed to get to the closest warm place and stay there until his pants dried off. He was currently caught between Gaara's bookstore and his house. Gaara wouldn't be at work this early after school, but Naruto knew a few other bookworms who warmed his spot up while he was gone.

When he wasn't reorganizing books on shelves, Naruto knew a certain, dark-haired 'Sai' to lurk in the corner between the science-fiction and reference sections. He was quiet and generally difficult to snuggle up to, but Naruto figured he'd try anyway. Gaara had told him horror-stories of a frightful, fangirlish fiend of a female who obsessed over actors featured in the magazine section. She answered to the name of Karin (who, if Dane Cook was to be believed, was a douche bag) and bothered Gaara to no end about his missing eyebrows. She also knew a freakish amount of Sasuke's favorite things.

…

Naruto would undoubtedly be bugging her later.

Neji told him once that Hinata frequented the store for its quiet atmosphere and extensive selection of yaoi manga. Naruto had no qualms about seeking her out either.

The bookstore was closer than his house, so Naruto did a quick weighing of pros and cons before marching off. He wondered if the shop sold coffee as well.

The following five minutes went something like this: The wind howled, time passed, Naruto walked, and his pants froze. Naruto ran faster. Running would warm him up, get him where he was going faster, and keep his pants from freezing into jeansicles. He dared not take his phone out of his purse and call his mom for fear that the freakish Corvette From Hell would speed out of nowhere and splash slush all over it. He'd call once he got inside.

Naruto ran around a stoplight, headed straight down the sidewalk, nearly hit a passing bicyclist, and turned right. There was the bookshop in all its toasty glory, situated quaintly between a Laundromat and an exotic pet store.

He shoved the glass door inward, delighting in the gale of heated air that rushed out to greet him. Naruto absentmindedly dragged his boots across a squeaky, rubber floor-mat before exiting the foyer and proceeding into the store.

"Hey!"

Suddenly, an annoyingly whiny, female voice yipped from Naruto's left. He cluelessly turned his head in the offending direction and squinted.

She was just as Gaara described her. Taller than usual, built in shapes, and seeming to lack any relevant sense of style. Her body didn't flow from one point to the other, as most women did. She was built broadly, as if she were meant to handle beams, not books. Her lips were annoyingly bright with glitter-gloss and her face was split horizontally by an enormous pair of thick-rimmed glasses. Perhaps Naruto's biggest pet-peeve, her hair was shaggy on one side and long on the other. It gave her the illusion of having a half-mullet.

Karin.

The infamous Friend That Nobody Liked.

Karin the douche bag.

"You'll have to leave your backpack at the front desk," she explained with a black-painted fingernail pointing to the floor, "We've had people steal books before."

Through her dastardly appearance, Naruto saw the logic in her apprehension. Damned if he was going to leave his phone and his wallet in his backpack, though. He carefully withdrew his phone, placing it in the pocket that wasn't soaked. His wallet followed suit and soon, Karin the Douche Bag had his backpack safely in her possession.

"Thank you," she said nonchalantly, smacking the piece of gum she was chewing. Naruto was just about to slink out of the vicinity when suddenly, a harpy-shriek sounded behind him. He spun around on one heel with his hands in front of his face, fearing an attack by flying monkeys or something equally terrifying. Naruto was met with a pointing, fuming she-monster.

"You!" she screeched indignantly, "You're Uzumaki Naruto!"

"Uh…" Naruto lowered his suspended foot and scratched his scalp, "Yeah."

"You're the one that Gaara told me about! You're dating Sasuke!" Karin garbled, waving her hands in the air in a fantastic imitation of an epileptic seizure.

"Yes," stated Naruto when he figured any attempt at denial and evasion was doomed to fail.

"How dare you!" Karin harped. The shaggy half of her hair stood out in unspeakable fury while the lanky half sulked miserably in the shadows.

Naruto gave her hair the evil-eye before dealing with the person it was attached to. "Listen. Fangirls like you scare the shit out of him."

Karin stopped flailing and loomed behind the desk. "What are you talking about?" she asked with a subtle promise of capital punishment.

Naruto had no idea why he was even talking to this girl. It was easily observed by the look of blatant shock on her face that she was worse than Sakura and her posse at being obsessive. He knew that nothing he said would get past her shield of fangirly audacity.

Naruto took a deep breath and prepared his long, thoughtless, meaningless speech. "I don't bother him when he doesn't want to be bothered," that was a lie, "We aren't touchy-feely toward one another, and when we met, we hated each other's guts. Girls like you never leave him alone, want to get into his pants at any given moment, and follow him around like lost puppies." Naruto pointed a finger toward his chest and proudly stated, "That's why Sasuke likes me, not you."

Karin made a few indistinguishable noises, hand-gestures, and faces at him before she managed something coherent. "You little bitch!" was all she came up with.

Naruto melted into the floor.

"Sasuke is so cool and you're so dumb and you should just go and fu-"

"Karin, you babbling, snarling bitch!"

Naruto looked up, blinking. There was a strange, white-haired kid standing at the top of the bookstore's stairs, leaning the upper half of his body over the railing. When Naruto squinted, he saw a set of jagged, pearly-white teeth.

Like Kisame's teeth.

Or Zabuza's teeth.

"Suigetsu!" Karin the Douche Bag harped with her fist in the air, "You stay outta' this or I'm coming up there and kicking your ass!"

Suigetsu retaliated with a brilliant "I'd like to see _you_ get up offa' your fat ass an' try!"

From that point on, Naruto was nothing more than an awestruck spectator. He goggled as Karin slammed her palms into the granite surface of the cashier's desk and vaulted her entire body over it. He 'ooh'ed as Suigetsu's teeth clenched together in a grimace and he began a hasty backward shuffle out of view. He 'ahh'ed as Karin's purple, pleated skirt vanished over the horizon that was the edge of his vision.

Then there was a lot of yelling.

People who hadn't already looked up from their books were glancing about the room in confusion. The halo of light that Naruto could see on the ceiling of the second floor balcony flickered.

A crash.

An unidentifiable, wet, sponge-on-wall sound.

More yelling.

Perhaps the most surprising: Man-giggles and the broken cry of "stoppit!"

A she-roar.

More thumps, crashes, and flickers.

It was at this point where, if a spectator would have taken a glance around the room, he would have noticed something missing. An orange fox had mysteriously ninja-ed himself and his backpack out of existence.

Naruto furtively slunk down into the fantasy section. He took advantage of the fray to sneak unseen out of the clutches of the she-dragon that was Karin the Douche Bag.

His pants were still wet, but more agreeably so. This made Naruto very happy. The warm air in the bookstore was melting the ice crystals on his pant legs and thawing everything else out nicely.

As he waited for the water in his clothing to evaporate, Naruto decided that his next quest would be to discover this 'Sai' character who Gaara was so intrigued about. He said Sai was an artist practicing oriental calligraphy. Naruto was never much for calligraphy, but he enjoyed looking at it.

It was in that second that his train of thought was subtly slowed down. There was someone at least two shelves down who had their headphones turned way up. Naruto had heard the melody before, but couldn't place a name on it. It started out soft… gained a beat… lyrics started… Oh! Naruto knew what it was! Gaara had it on his mp3 player.

Naruto had long since forgotten the name of the band, but there was something about the lyrics that jumped back to him once he heard the first verse.

_I'm living a lie_

_And it's not the best thing for me_

_But anyone and everyone is gonna' hear another story…_

Naruto skipped up the isle and sought out the louder-than-loud headphones. He poked his head around the corner of one shelf, expecting to find something, and was infinitely disappointed when he was met with an empty space.

_I'm building a house_

_Of murderous intention._

_To keep it all from coming down_

_I've gotta' focus my attention._

Where was the music coming from? Not here, not there, not anywhere! Everywhere! Naruto wondered if he was imagining things. Nevertheless, the lyrics still flowed on a breeze of desperation.

_'Cause confidence is key_

_When violating trust._

_I'm making sure that I believe_

_I'm doing what I must,_

_Which is attempting to kill_

_The little boy inside_

_But as hard as I try..._

_The child will not die._

As Naruto glanced around another corner, he bobbed his head to the screams of _Now I'm burning alive, just like you!_

Naruto peered around a second group of shelves to find a secluded alcove. Surrounded by classic books, there was a red, leather sofa. On that sofa, there was a man. He held a small paperback book in one hand, flipping a page as Naruto stared at him. He was wearing a plain, navy-blue sweater and khaki cargo pants. Looking at his face was like watching a raven dip past a heart-shaped moon. His skin was pale, but his hair was black as night and fell into his eyes like a windblown curtain. Through the wisp of black hair and thin-rimmed reading-glasses, Naruto couldn't see the color of his eyes.

That didn't matter though. His face wasn't what caught Naruto's attention.

There were puffy, expensive headphones hugging his neck.

_I'm irrelevant _

_And I'm living down in the shit._

_I follow these pigs around_

_But I never get used to it_

_'Cause they keep building and building_

_Their feculent franchise._

_I wish I could see this filth_

_Through someone else's eyes._

Naruto stood half-behind the nearest shelf, not wanting to intrude and content to listen to the music. He realized that he couldn't hear half of the lyrics before. He'd filled them in purely by memory.

_'Cause ignorance was bliss,_

_But now I must adjust._

_These animals, they operate_

_On jealousy and lust._

_I'm taking back what was lost_

_And I will not be denied._

_I'm crawling my way to the surface outside._

As the chorus started up again, the man's lonely demeanor and aura of quiet isolation lead Naruto to the conclusion that this was Sai. Though… he was in the wrong section of the store. By the information Gaara armed him with, Sai didn't read nearly this many books. There were at least seven paperbacks lying bent from use on the end table next to the sofa. Three were still reclining in their respective spots on the floor.

Though the song continued, Naruto recognized that there would be no more lyrics, save for the angry cry of _Just like you!_

Deciding that this person was definitely not Sai, Naruto hefted his backpack off of the floor and tip-toed away.

Or as far away as he could get.

"The least you can do is talk."

Naruto stopped mid-step with his heels on the wood floor. Was he out of his mind, or did Raven-man just speak to him? Out of embarrassment as much as curiosity, Naruto glanced over his shoulder.

His mind had not been tricking him. Raven-man's paperback and reading glasses had been placed carefully on the stack of spent books and he was now looking straight through Naruto with two very glossy, very black eyes.

Naruto did the first thing he knew how to do in embarrassing, creepy situations.

He stuttered his lips off.

"Uh, I, well… heard! Heard your music and I remembered the lyric things and I thought I could listen and…stuff." He waved his hands in front of his rapidly heating face. "And then I knew what the song was, so I stayed there, and you caught me and I tried to walk away and…"

"And then there were ninjas on the lawn trying to kill you."

"And then there were- huh?" Naruto's arms dropped and his backpack dumbly hit the floor.

Raven-man closed his eyes and produced an mp3 player from a pocket in his sweatshirt. He clicked the song into oblivion before sighing, "I had a little brother who used that excuse every time he couldn't explain himself."

"Oh!" Naruto laughed, scratching the back of his head, "Hah! Hah hah!"

He seemed to have miscalculated the humor in Raven-man's statement, as the dark, silent shadow remained impassive as ever.

Naruto's laugh dwindled on a tight-wire of unease before falling and slowly breaking apart.

"We didn't have a lawn," Raven-man monotoned.

"Ooookaaaayyyy…" Naruto drew out happily while pressing his thumbs together.

Raven-man suddenly assumed a steely look of grim thoughtfulness. He glared at Naruto with unseeing eyes, jabbed the sofa seat with a thin, luminously translucent finger and said, "Sit."

Naruto was at a loss for action. To sit with the creepy man and risk being kidnapped or raped or something equally alarming, or to run away and make him angry. Naruto dealt with the situation by asking a simple, "Why?"

"Because I told you to. That's why," the shadow replied coldly.

Naruto fidgeted with his fingers. This was more than creepy. This was stalker-in-the-alley creepy. This was after-you-watch-The-Ring creepy. He reached a nervous hand into his pocket and wrapped his fingers around his phone. "Uh, I need to call my mom-"

At the drop of the word 'mom,' Raven-man's eyes sharpened and his eyebrows sank menacingly lower on his forehead.

"Uhm…" Naruto struggled, "Okaymaybenot!"

Raven's lips curled upward in a smirk. His posture straightened from its already-ramrod-straightness and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "You think I'm trying to kidnap you," he inferred.

Oh, well wasn't this dandy. Naruto's pants were taking a back seat to Raven and his attitude. For all of Naruto's prized Sasuke-reading skills, Raven was about as easy to read as a sentence drawn in whitewater. There was something darkly sarcastic behind those blind, black eyes and Naruto couldn't tell for the life of him what it was.

"Um… yeah. I don't know you and you're acting really weird…" was the first thing that Naruto said. Then he smiled hopefully and asked the stupidest, most blunt question he'd ever ask.

"You're not going to kidnap me, are you?"

Raven closed his eyes and smiled calmly. Naruto hoped it was a smile of innocence. However…

The shadow rose out of his chair, stretching his back and slowly straightening from his leaning position. He disregarded his reading glasses and all of his books.

Naruto quivered and shrank where he stood. He tightened his hold on his backpack and turned to the side in case he had to sprint.

Raven calmly dug his hands into the pocket in his sweatshirt. "I'm going to kidnap you?" he asked as if the question was safe, "Well…" He strolled languidly out of the alcove and stopped in the center of the isle, blocking Naruto's way. "That just depends…"

Naruto gulped.

Oh no.

Raven-man's emotionless black eyes focused into Naruto's own.

"Uzumaki Naruto, how fast can you run?"

----

Sasuke was in the midst of contemplating the meaning of everything Kyuubi told him earlier when the phone rang. He debated answering it, lest it be that 'Sissy' person or someone equally dangerous. The phone did not simply _ring_, however.

It rang desperately.

It squealed in such a way that Sasuke felt obligated to stumble into the kitchen and pick it up. He did so, completely unprepared for what he heard on the other line.

"OhmigawdSasukeismomthere?" A panicked Naruto panted in one single breath.

For a moment, Sasuke didn't know what to do. He glanced at the clock, finding time to have passed three-o-clock amiss and gone straight to four twenty seven. Yes. It was strange that Naruto wasn't home yet.

Naruto wasn't home yet.

She was calling.

On the phone.

Desperately.

…

Oh, shit.

"Naruto, what's going on?" Sasuke asked with his heart in his throat.

"There'ssomeguychasingmeonamotorcycle!" She panted, breathing into the receiver.

Oh, fuck.

And this just had to happen while Kyuubi was out. She was on another one of her walks again. Mind forced to think out of pure, blind hysteria, Sasuke recalled that the keys to her old junker had been left on the counter in her purse.

Sasuke had a car.

Sasuke's brother's nameless, faceless friend used to let him sit on his lap and drive it. He knew how to steer. He knew how to accelerate. He knew how to brake.

"Naruto! Do you know what street you're heading to?" Sasuke yelled, fumbling in Kyuubi's purse with shaking hands.

"I'monfiftythirdrightnow!" Naruto harped in one breath, "But… Idon'tknowwhereI'mgoing!"

"Take a deep breath, Naruto. Are you headed east?"

"Ithinkso!"

"Have you hit the Applebee's on Ponderosa yet?"

"No!"

Sasuke finally wrested the keys away from the purse and yelled, "Okay. Keep going straight. I'll meet you on Spencer."

"What?" Naruto screeched.

"I'll be in your mom's car!" Sasuke yelled, "Are we clear?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay," Sasuke breathed, "If I can't find you on Spencer, I'll look on Fifty Third."

"Hurry!" was all that Naruto said before she hung up.

Sasuke slammed the phone down, not caring where it landed, and rushed out the door. He searched the yard for the car and found it lying expectantly in the driveway. He bounded down the steps, dashed across the lawn, and dove over the hood of the car in a manner that would have made James Bond envious. He jerked the key this way and that in the lock until the door made a clicking sound. Sasuke then tore the door open, leapt in, and slammed it after him.

The nervous Uchiha did a quick reconnaissance of the dashboard.

Steering wheel, gear shift, gauges, levers… it was all there. He didn't bother checking the mirrors or adjusting the seat height. Sasuke merely jammed the key into the ignition and revved the engine before shifting into reverse and screaming out of the driveway.

He hadn't driven a car since he was five or six, so he was feeling more than a little queasy about attempting it again. However, Naruto needed him. Sasuke would be damned if he left her hanging.

He wrenched the gear-shift into drive and floored the accelerator. If Sasuke was right, Naruto would be hitting Spencer Street about ten blocks south of his apartment. He hoped to God that he made it in time.

If Naruto disappeared, he didn't know what he'd do.

Disregarding the four-way stop sign completely, Kyuubi's car's whitewall tires screamed into a hard right.

Sasuke didn't care if the cops caught him speeding. The way he figured it, things would get easier if a policeman tailed him. Not only would people get out of his way, but Sasuke could also lead him to Naruto's stalker.

Sasuke skidded into Spencer Street's busy traffic, nearly taking the headlights clean off of a suburban with the fins above Kyuubi's car's taillights. Horns blared and people yelled as he weaved through traffic, trying to find the quickest route to the corner of Spencer and Fifty Third.

At last, the green directional sign indicating Fifty Third Street came into view, attached to the top of a traffic light post.

The stoplight was turning yellow.

Sasuke sped past the car in front of him and made an illegal left turn in the 'right turn only' lane. He slammed one foot onto the brake pedal, sending the car skidding to a halt on the curb. He looked right, left, forward, left, right… Naruto was nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps she'd been forced to take another route.

Or maybe…

No. No!

Sasuke slammed his foot back onto the accelerator, making the old, red car roar and surge forward. He searched the sidewalks on both sides of the street with the eyes of a hawk, yet saw no one. No Naruto.

But…

Sasuke leaned toward the steering wheel and squinted up the road. Amidst the hustle and bustle of colorful automobile traffic, Sasuke could see a short, blonde kid whose jeans were soaked with snow.

And a navy and khaki-clad, helmeted motorcyclist lurking in the distance.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Sasuke crossed into oncoming traffic and sped into the nearest intersecting street with the purpose of intercepting said short, blonde kid. Sasuke could tell by the open, flying run and the way her arms pumped as she ran that the blonde kid was Naruto. She had ditched her coat and her backpack, being absent of either one, in favor of lightening her load and running faster.

Sasuke climbed into the passenger seat and rolled down the window. He waved frantically to Naruto and yelled, "GET IN THE CAR!!!" until he was hoarse.

Naruto's open, fatigued run transformed into a furious sprint once she saw Sasuke and the car. Through Sasuke's frazzled nerves and the acidic war his stomach was waging on his throat, he judged the distance between Naruto and the motorcyclist. She seemed to be keeping a measurable distance despite her labored pace.

That was odd.

If the motorcyclist wanted to kidnap her, he would have done so already. He would have disregarded the traffic and chased her on the sidewalk. Perhaps he was waiting for her to wear down so he could get her onto the motorcycle without a fuss.

Perhaps he was messing with her head.

The worst possible scenario chose to manifest itself at that point in time.

Naruto was running as fast as she could.

And she hit a patch of ice in the sidewalk.

And fell.

Sasuke immediately shot out of the passenger side door and ran to her rescue. Despite her falling and the motorcyclist's desire to keep some distance between them, the motorcycle pressed onward. Sasuke couldn't hear its growling, menacing roar through the blood screaming in his ears. Naruto had pushed herself up off of the sidewalk, skinned palms and all, and was now limping toward Sasuke at an agonizingly slow pace.

Naruto's forehead was glistening with sweat, despite the cold weather, and her eyes were shimmering with tears. One side of her jaw was red and weeping from skidding on the sidewalk. Her lips were twisted into a grimace of fear and determination and her cheeks were tinted red from the air. Her pants were frayed from the fall and dripping wet from soaking up snow. Her elbows were raw and bloody along with her palms and her stagger suggested that her legs weren't doing much better.

To sum up the mass of Naruto's injuries, she was not in good shape. Not at all.

Sasuke slid to a halt at her side and hugged her chest to his in a vicious attempt to drag her toward the car as quickly as possible. She was panting and babbling high-pitched nonsense into his ear, but Sasuke understood none of it. He _listened_ to none of it. If he was going to get Naruto back to the car safely, he had to do it _now!_

He hauled Naruto's wriggling, shivering body back to the car as if his life depended on it. Given the situation, his life probably _did _depend on it. Naruto's even more so.Adrenaline on the fritz, Sasuke lifted Naruto clear into the air and shoved her into the passenger seat. He slammed the door after her and did a quick, panicked double-take over his shoulder.

The motorcycle was _right there_.

There was no other way to describe it. It was stopped in the middle of the road. The motorcyclist was _blocking Sasuke's way out_.

Quick as a bolt of white lightning, Sasuke vaulted over the hood of the car and wrenched the door open. He swung inside, ignoring the incessant ranting of "Ohmygodhe'srightinfrontofus!"

Sasuke jerked the car's gearshift back into drive, putting pressure on the break and taking a moment to consider his options. The motorcyclist was stalled in front of him. If he backed out, he'd be running straight through traffic. The odds of not getting hit were scarce.

However, if a conflict were to occur between Sasuke's car and the stalker's motorcycle…

The car would win.

In the event that the motorcyclist refused to get out of his way, Sasuke had no qualms about smashing into his bike.

To test the motorcyclist's nerves, Sasuke slammed one foot onto the gas pedal and one on the break directly after. The car roared and surged forward a foot and came to a dead halt.

The stalker didn't move.

…Okay. Maybe Sasuke really _did _have to run him over.

Naruto was speaking coherently now. "Sasuke!" she stammered in a shaky voice, "You're not gonna' run him over, are you?"

"Do I have any other choice?" Sasuke yelled, his anxiety raising the tone of his voice higher than he meant it to go.

Naruto squeaked and braced her feet against the base of the dashboard.

Sasuke's attention was recaptured by the windshield when his enemy's motorcycle made a guttural roaring sound. The black, shiny, two-wheeled machine from hell edged forward.

God! This idiot was insane! Did he _want_ to get run over or something? Sasuke surged forward and stopped in the only method of intimidation he knew. To any other bystander, it would seem that the reason the stalker was progressing was that he was confident he knew all of Sasuke's tricks. Sasuke, however, was beginning to get a different idea.

The motorcycle's tires were weaving on the pavement. The vehicle was moving so slowly that the man controlling it had to jerk the handlebars rapidly from side to side just to keep it balanced. He leaned in over his handlebars as if he were peering into the windshield through the visor on his helmet.

Whoever he was, he was trying to get a good look at either Sasuke or Naruto.

Sasuke growled and revved the engine of Kyuubi's car.

The nerve!

What was this idiot doing? Maybe he knew the sorry plight he was in should Sasuke choose to run him over. Perhaps, in that knowledge, he was trying to get a good look at Sasuke's face before he hi-tailed his stalkerish ass out of there.

Hell if Sasuke was going to let him do that. Hell if Sasuke was going to let him get away without a scratch! Still… this was Kyuubi's car he was dealing with. He couldn't just go banging it into things.

…

Shit.

What a time to be worrying about car damage. Here he was, in a life or death situation, worried about putting a freaking_ dent _in someone's car Sasuke tugged on the wheel of the car, hearing the rubber gritting on the asphalt, and lined himself up in a straight shot toward the motorcyclist.

Naruto wrapped her fingers around the edges of her seat and shut her eyes.

Sasuke was very, very on edge. He was upset. He was angry, he was afraid, and he was about to ram Kyuubi's car into a civilian.

These were Sasuke's feelings as his foot rose off of the brakes:

He wanted to run that fucker down. Sasuke would make sure that no one ever messed with Naruto or her family again. No one! He'd run that goddamn stalker over, parade his broken, twisted machine up Spencer Street and back, cut his body apart and fly it like a flag from the roof of his penthouse, then skewer his head on top of the antenna on Kyuubi's car.

But the motorcyclist had other plans.

He had ceased his progression on the car for about five seconds. Then, like a bolt from the blue, he was moving again. Sasuke's eyes registered a mere glint of sunlight off of the motorcycle's ebony body.

It breathed a mechanical growl before spinning its tires on the asphalt and galloping away.

Away.

Out of nowhere, something had clicked in the stalker's mind and he'd retreated as quickly as his vehicle could carry him.

He was gone.

All of the tension in Sasuke's body flooded out in a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes, which had begun to sting, and massaged his forehead. His limbs lost their rigidity and assumed a likeness to warm rubber. Sasuke sank into his seat.

Naruto was in no better shape. She had clambered halfway into Sasuke's lap as fast as her wobbly arms could carry her. Silver tears were now blazing bright red, glittering trails down her cheeks.

The only thing that Sasuke's vacant mind could come up with was that he was very happy he hadn't damaged Kyuubi's car. Forget cheating death. Forget the horrible pain between his eyes. Forget his inability to breathe correctly.

Kyuubi's car was fine.

Naruto was fine.

Or… maybe…

He didn't bother to look down at her. Sasuke knew she was there. The growing wet spot on his shirt was proof of that. "Naruto," Sasuke's lax vocal cords made his voice shiver, "Are you bleeding?"

----

Naruto was in pain.

That was it.

That was the highest level of thought his brain could process. He was tired, his lungs burned, his jaw throbbed, his legs ached, his elbows screamed, and his kneecaps felt as if they were going to dissolve.

Sasuke asked him earlier if he was bleeding.

Naruto didn't know.

Come to think of it, "I don't know," had been his answer.

Much to Naruto's dismay, his voice hadn't come out the way he wanted it to. Trying to breathe, cry, and shiver all at once tended to do that.

He had attached himself to Sasuke's shirt and was lamenting letting go. Sure, releasing the Uchiha would allow Naruto to breathe more freely and Sasuke to drive unhindered, but at that moment, Sasuke's shirt was just about the only thing he could grasp.

He was alive.

Granted, Naruto probably wouldn't have been killed right away if he'd been caught, but he still couldn't believe the events that had transpired in the last fifteen minutes.

The moment Raven asked him how fast he could run, Naruto rocketed into the nearest labyrinth of books and wove his way to the other side. He aimed to bypass his stalker but alas, when he reached the other side of the maze of shelves, there was Raven, looking slightly more amused than he had at the beginning of the chase.

Naruto dove the other way in order to avoid him and wove his way back through the shelves. When he reached the other side, who should be there, leaning on a bookcase with a content smile plastered on his lips, than the alarmingly mysterious Raven who Naruto had dodged mere seconds ago.

Seeing that he wouldn't be able to go around him, Naruto dove into Raven's personal space and spun away down the hall. He left his backpack, having taken all important items out of it, and dashed for the door.

He passed Karin and Suigetsu, whose obnoxious fighting had made its way to the main floor, and flew out into the parking lot. Once he'd passed three buildings, Naruto glanced back over his shoulder. No one was there. The sidewalk had been clear.

Naruto remembered slowing to a walk and resting his aching sides.

But only for a split second.

He'd been hunched over, recovering his breath, when who should emerge from the parking lot but a full-helmeted motorcyclist with telltale khaki pants and a navy blue sweater.

Naruto had a faint inkling until then that the man was only trying to rile him up. Bad news: he meant what he said when he asked Naruto how fast he could run. Needless to say, Naruto booked it for home.

In retrospect, Naruto could have barged into another shop and begged whoever was in charge to hide him. Truth be told, Naruto never thought of it. His adrenaline had been pumping and the only thing he wanted to do was get home.

He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach now as well. The feeling told him that begging for protection would do Naruto more harm than good. Raven meant business. There was something about him that made Naruto shiver at the sight of him. The aura around Raven was far too cold and quiet for him to be any normal human being.

He was known.

Somehow, for some reason, he was _very_ well known.

Naruto had been running for three blocks, lungs beginning to burn and feet beginning to slow down, when he noticed that Raven had been moseying leisurely along behind him, slowing traffic to a crawl. Naruto wondered why no one thought of the scenery as odd. There was a man, putting along on a beast of a black, glimmering machine, chasing a frantic-looking blonde kid down the street.

Were motorcycle-pedestrian chases commonplace in downtown Konoha?

Apparently noticing the string of cars, Raven looked over his shoulder in a vexed fashion before floating leisurely over to the _sidewalk_.

_The sidewalk._

When cars wanted to pass him, he was drifting onto the sidewalk. Naruto took this as a hint that Raven-man was going to speed up and catch him at any given moment. His legs flew back into a sprint and he gulped gallons of air in each breath.

Oddly enough, once traffic thinned out, Raven simply drifted back over the curb and meandered around in the street.

Naruto began to wonder for his sanity. This guy obviously had some large, important screws loose. He was driving all over the place, he was chasing Naruto and not catching him, he had no reason for doing so, and he knew Naruto's name.

Naruto had never seen him before.

Ever.

This was decidedly very, very bad.

It was then that Naruto called Sasuke.

Now here he was. Here Sasuke was, in the seat next to Naruto. Here Sasuke was, the person whose shirt Naruto was currently holding captive. From Naruto's knowledge, Sasuke knew as much about cars as human beings in general knew about the universe.

Yet he had gotten into a car without permission, risked his life in rush-hour traffic, and saved Naruto's bacon from a stalker he knew nothing about.

Dammit… he was going to cry again…

"Sasuke…" Naruto sniffled into the Uchiha's soaking wet shirt. He listened with an ear to Sasuke's chest as it hummed with a gale of air. "What?" the taxed Uchiha breathed.

"I… I love you." Naruto sobbed.

Sasuke took another deep breath.

"Yeah…" he sighed. "I know."

Naruto smiled.

As was to be expected from the love-retarded Uchiha Sasuke.

Sasuke slowed down, a telltale sign that home was close. When the car dipped upward into the driveway, Naruto released Sasuke's shirt and peered out the window, wiping his eyes on his fists.

There she was.

Sunshine glinting off of her faux-pearl earrings. Red hair a beacon of flame in the dimming winter light. Tennis shoes blazing…Blue Capri pants blowing in the breeze…

For all her Hellenistic glory, Kyuubi's face was about as decorated as a newly cut slab of shale.

The car grumbled itself into obscurity and rocked slightly in the direction of the street. Sasuke cast Naruto a baleful look before opening the car door and hefting himself out of it on rubbery limbs. Kyuubi's smoldering, greenish eyes tracked Sasuke's limping form across the driveway.

Naruto knew what he was doing. Sasuke was going to open the door for him and, if the need arose, attempt to carry him across the lawn. He knew Naruto well enough to see that the look in Kyuubi's eyes was enough to confine him behind the dashboard.

In what seemed like a thousand years, Sasuke was at Naruto's door, tugging it open with all the force he could muster. Naruto stumbled out, mindful of the scrapes on his palms, and warily glanced at Kyuubi.

He expected a myriad of emotions. Naruto expected her to be angry, upset, scared, or even amused.

He did not expect her face to be as stiff as stone. Exactly as it had been a minute ago.

And that was how it was.

Kyuubi's face was eerily devoid of emotion. She'd shoved a toothpick into the corner of her lips and it stood there, rigidly, as if it wanted to snap and wither away undisturbed. Her eyes were neither wide nor narrow. Her lips were straighter and thinner than a needle.

Kyuubi looked both Naruto and Sasuke up and down, and the two of them sat there, wetly, awaiting her verdict. Finally, she chewed thoughtfully on the piece of wood between her lips and folded her hands behind her back.

"That's it," she deadpanned, "We're moving out."

----

Me: Ohoho! More cliffies, anyone?

Chibi Iruka: Umm… I have a question. Who was the guy on the motorcycle?

Me: Well, I think we all know who that was… :3

Chibi Sasuke: No! No we don't! We don't know! –plugs ears- LALALALALA!

Chibi Gaara: You mean, you didn't think that was Ita-

Chibi Sasuke: Shhh! Never speak his name!

Chibi Neji: Why not?

Chibi Naruto: He's like Voldemo-err… He Who Must Not Be Named. If you say his name, he knows where you are and the Akatsuki can teleport to your exact location and kill you!

Chibi Gaara: -gasp-

Chibi Neji: Oh, yeah right! I can say it as many times as I want and he won't appear. I'll show you…

Chibi Sasuke: NOOOOO!!!!

Chibi Neji: Itachi, Itachi, Itachi! See? He's not-

Chibi Akatsuki: -poof out of nowhere and poke Neji in the forehead-

Chibi Gaara: -le-gasp- It's TRUE!!!

Chibi Sasuke: What did I tell you?

Chibi Neji: -faints from coolness overdose-

Chibi Akatsuki: -poof-

Me: Right. What I would GIVE if that were true… -dreamy sigh- Anyway, like it? Love it? Hate it? Want to strangle me for keeping you in suspense? Please, do tell.

Chibi Gaara: Everyone likes a good review! Now review, damn you!

Chibi Neji: That's a bit harsh.

Chibi Gaara: Hm… you're right. Cookies for you reviewers! Bribes all around! Review, review, review!


	26. Not surprising

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer: **Kishimoto? Are you reading this?

Me: MORE FOOD???

Chibi Sakura: -slurps soda and eats cheesecake-

Chibi Iruka: Soda? Soda makes you fat! So does cheesecake!

Chibi Naruto: Well, so does everything else! Cheesecake is yummy…

Chibi Sasuke: -soda slurp- :3

Me: Thanks to Harleymotor-sama again for the cake in the last chapter. Thanks also to Julia-sama for the drinks! I was beginning to think, for all our food, we'd dehydrate ourselves to death. And thank you all for reviewing! Thank you all for reading in the first place! You make me feel all warm and fluffy inside.

Chibi Neji: BuuurrrOOOAAAARRRRrrrrruuurp.

Chibi Gaara: -squeaks-

**Chibi Sasuke: Omg bolded again! Listen up, people. From now on, **_**BOLD SENTENCES HERALD UPCOMING SPOILERS. **_**If you don't want to see them, skip 'em. Otherwise, tune in for Swirl's incessant, conspiratorial ramblings.**

Me: Omg yes. It has come to my attention that Kishimoto is an expert at unexpected plot twists. You know my Tobi-Obito-Madara-ish theory I rambled about at the end of a past chapter? Well… I've made a few possible adjustments.

Chibi Iruka: Scary adjustments! –plugs ears-

Me: Why do you suppose Kishimoto introduced Kabuto with his oh-so-powerful Orochimaru-genes, then just 'SHAZZAM'ed him out of existence? I believe… that Kabuto might have found Tobi-Obito-Madara's body and used Orochimaru's crazy-body-snatching-no-jutsu to steal it.

Chibi Sasuke: Wikipedia has officially decided that (Tobi) is (Madara) is (The Leader of the Akatsuki), but we beg to differ. He said he had Madara's **POWER**. Not that he, himself, was Madara.

Me: Yeah… but… (more loopholes w00t D:) 370 and 371 make me wonder. Teh Madara Tobeh! Oh noz!

Chibi Gaara: 0.o

Me: But that's just a crazy, out in the water, theory of possibility. Believe what you will.

Chibi Gaara: Well, now that that rant's over with, on with the fic! Read, review, and relax.

**J L H 26**

_It wasn't difficult to understand what was going on._

_There was a hill. On that hill was a tree. A big tree. A very, very big tree. Bigger than Sasuke remembered any tree to be. It's branches were wide and dipping, weighed down by the elements, it seemed. Its leaves glowed with green luminescence and its trunk was soft and big as a mountain._

_Sasuke couldn't fathom the sheer size of the foreign object, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, and yet he had accepted it. The tree was there. It was a fact of life._

_Its branches swayed and its leaves flickered while the wind refused to stir._

_The air smelled like old newsprint and sandalwood with a hint of evening rain. It carried a faint scent of resin, dust, and newly-painted walls. It smelled like silence. It tasted like velvet. It felt like moonlight._

_It was then that Sasuke noticed a figure sitting upside-down on the top of the tree._

_Not hanging._

_Not dangling._

_Just sitting._

_Quietly._

_Unaware though it seemed, this figure had caught Sasuke's eye. He sought a method of climbing the tree._

_He sunk his fingernails into the bark, which gave way in much the same way mud did to a shovel. He pulled himself effortlessly up the tree, kicking into the Styrofoam-soft wood where he needed to. The higher he got, the greener the world became. He passed the first tier of branches. _

_----_

"_Do you think he'll be alright?"_

"_His injuries weren't serious. He's lost a lot of blood, but the transfusions are taking care of that."_

"_That's a relief. Still… the poor thing…"_

_----_

_Not surprisingly, there were people standing on the leaves. Their black hair and beady eyes gleamed in the sunlight. One spoke, however, and Sasuke noted how much dust its voice yielded when it did._

"_You shouldn't talk to Him, you know. He's not like the rest of us."_

_Sasuke didn't stop._

_The people didn't stop him._

_He climbed into the second tier of branches._

_----_

"_My mommy's a nurse and my daddy's a chiropractor!"_

"_That's lovely. How about you, Shikamaru?"_

"_I don't care what my mom's job is or my dad's job. This Parent Day thing is gonna' be so boring…"_

"_Oh, Shikamaru… How about you, Sasuke? Sasuke? Oh! Oh, I'm sorry dear…"_

_----_

"_He's backwards. He's upside down. You shouldn't talk to Him, you know. He's not like the rest of us."_

_The leaves glittered as the light filtered through them. Not surprisingly, the light went unhindered by any shadow, not even that of the people._

"_He's not safe. He's too high up. He's backwards. He's upside down. You shouldn't talk to Him, you know. He's not like the rest of us."_

_As Sasuke passed the third tier of branches, he began to wonder who everyone was talking about._

_----_

"_Do you really think He's still alive?"_

"_I've heard rumors that He's with the Akatsuki."_

"_Akatsuki? Who on earth are They?"_

"_Well, They…"_

_----_

"_Don't go near Him. His mind is broken. He's not safe. He's too high up. He's backwards. He's upside down. You shouldn't talk to Him, you know. He's not like the rest of us."_

_Sasuke cast the people a sidelong look. Their words were beginning to sound less like words and more like the croaking of scavengers. Their fingers were black and broad like feathers. Their feet were scaly and tipped with claws. Their faces were dirty and their eyes were glassy._

_Suddenly, Sasuke was no longer able to grip the tree. His hands weren't hands._

_They were wings._

_He plummeted back past the third tier of leaves, frantically flailing about, trying to keep from falling. As he fell, Sasuke began to notice that the things he first thought to be people weren't people at all. Their black feathers were covered in dirt and their talons were flaky and mangled. Their beady eyes and twisted beaks perpetually grinned at him as he fell._

_Crows._

_Not surprisingly, they did nothing to stop him as he fell. Each one was perfectly capable of flying over and lending him a wing, but, not surprisingly, they refused to do so. They all seemed content to merely tilt their heads to the side and offer him nothing but a toothless smile._

_Sasuke vaguely wondered how disgusting he looked. Was he enshrouded in dusty, filthy black? Were his eyes so beady and milky?_

_Sasuke examined his wings. They weren't black. They were grey._

_Grey and white._

_They weren't covered in dirt. They were clean._

_Sparkling and soft._

_The crows glared. "You're one of Him too. But you can't get to Him. We won't let you. You can't fly. You'll never reach the top of this tree."_

_So the crows did this? They didn't want him to see whoever was at the top of this tree, so they turned him into a bird. _

_Needless to say, it was not surprising._

_Yet, Sasuke yearned to see what was at the top of the tree. He wanted to see the upside-down figure more closely. But… he couldn't get his wings to work._

_He fell through the last layer of leaves, well on his way to the ground. For a split second, everything was green. Everything but a tiny black shadow on the leaves. Sasuke beat his wings fruitlessly against the air and suddenly, time slowed down._

_A fit of nightmarish screams fell through the leaves after Sasuke, each one hitting the grass with a thundering crash. The tumult rocked the world with such force that even the air vibrated violently._

_The black shadow Sasuke saw on the leaves got larger. But it was slow and distant… much like everything else was at the moment._

_The next thing Sasuke knew, the pinprick shadow enveloped the leaves and something shot out. It grabbed Sasuke's wings and swung back up through the leaves._

_Sasuke's heart was dragged into his stomach by the sheer velocity at which he was flying. The crows on the first tier got smaller and vanished. The second tier got smaller and vanished…_

_They were chasing him now, their squawking and shrieking growing louder and louder. The crows formed a giant, writhing, suffocating cloud of blackness._

"_He's not like the rest of us! You shouldn't talk to him, you know! He's upside down! He's backwards! He's too high up! He's not safe! His mind is broken! Don't go near Him!"_

"_He thinks too much! He flies too high!"_

"_If you fall, you'll die!"_

"_You'll DIE!"_

_----_

"_It's Him! It's Him!"_

"_What?"_

"_A fatal shooting was reported last night. There was one eye witness. The way she described Him… it's got to be! It has to!"_

"_That can't be! I never thought He'd…"_

_----_

_Not surprisingly, the crows lamented and despaired. They flew higher and faster, but were unable to keep up with the lightning speed of Sasuke's savior. Come to think of it, just who was this savior of his? He craned his neck, searching for an answer._

_What met his eyes astounded him. Sasuke was caught safely in the talons of a stormy, grey bird. Wispy, silver feathers seemed to flow from one point to another. There were no scuffs or tufts of dead feathers, as the crows possessed. Wings beat clear, shimmering air, not dusty, black smoke._

_A cloud-grey bird who kept to himself._

_Sasuke's savior turned and looked at him. A single, shimmering, black eye smiled._

_Then, without warning, Sasuke was plummeting through the air again. Startled, he looked back at his savior with wide, black eyes._

"_You're a bird, aren't you?" the other bird asked with a grin. "Now fly like one."_

_----_

"_Nii-san?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Would you ever kill a mockingbird?"_

"_No, Sasuke. I never would."_

_----_

Sasuke woke up, quite abruptly, and didn't recognize the ceiling he'd been sleeping under. He rocketed forward in his bed, sending various white polka-dotted pillows flying every which way.

He scanned the room. Beige walls, dark green bedspread, wooden dresser next to a large, white-draped window, a closet, a nightstand with a digital clock and a table-lamp sitting on it, plastic bags full of clothes…

Right.

Plastic bags full of clothes.

After Kyuubi informed both Naruto and Sasuke that they were moving, she waited three days. During those three days, Naruto was not allowed to go outside and Kyuubi was in her room, on the phone for much of the day. On the fourth day, Naruto and Sasuke had both packed everything they needed and Jiraiya showed up in front of the house in his black Lincoln Navigator. They loaded their belongings into the back of the car and jumped in.

Naruto hadn't spoken to Sasuke much, and the Uchiha didn't have much to say either. Something thick and sinister was lurking in the air, and neither of them had the stomach to shout through it.

Now, suddenly and not so suddenly, Sasuke had woken up beneath the plastered, grooved, low ceiling of Jiraiya's house.

Light filtered through the thin curtains and rippled across the floor. The air smelled oddly like lavender. A bare tree branch scraped across the window from time to time as the wind raked its claws across the sky. Warm electric guitar chords wafted in from the closed wooden door.

…Bon Jovi?

_I couldn't sleep_

_Took a walk down Second Avenue_

_Sick of dreaming dreams that never come true_

_One way street and I know where it's leading to_

_There's a "For Sale" sign on the front door of the city hall_

_The subway line got graffiti crawling off the wall_

_I could take a hit but I don't want to take the fall_

Yawning and stretching, Sasuke rolled out of bed and stood there for a while, toes kneading the white, soft, fuzzy carpet.

_That's just one side of the story_

_In this two story town_

He wondered whether or not Naruto was home yet. Sasuke hadn't been able to sleep last night, so he stayed up until three or four in the morning, worried about every shadow and every creak. He'd finally fallen asleep, and now it was probably around three in the afternoon.

…

He checked the clock.

_It's just the same old sights_

_And the same old sounds_

_I want to take my car and drive out of this two story town_

_It's the same old shit going around_

_I'm going down, down ,down, down, down_

_In a two story town_

Mmm… twelve thirty. That was earlier than he expected. As he stood on the floor and let his mind clear, he recalled the disastrous motorcycle chase that had happened recently. Naruto wouldn't be at school.

Scratching the back of his neck, Sasuke stumbled to the doorway and cracked his door open.

_There's a girl that I sleep with_

_She's got ecstasy eyes_

_He promised her roses and American pie_

_I called her and my demons_

_And I kissed them both goodbye_

The Uchiha padded down the wooden floors of the hallway, awkwardly falling against the wall several times. He half expected to hear Naruto babbling about something in the kitchen, but alas, all that met his ears was the melodic singing of:

_Seven days of Monday morning_

_In a two story town…_

Well that was odd… Where was Naruto? Maybe she was still in her silent funk.

_It's just the same old sights_

_And the same old sounds_

_I want to take my car and drive out of this two story town_

_It's the same old shit going around_

_I'm going down, down, down, down, down_

_In a two story town_

The song hummed on as Sasuke peered furtively into the kitchen, figuring that if Naruto wasn't talking, her mouth was stuffed.

No Naruto.

Hmm…

Sasuke slunk back around the corner as Naruto's Jolly-Old-(Saint?)-Nicholas of an uncle sauntered into the room and stuffed a crinkly bag of potato-chips down his shirt. He looked left, looked right, probably on the run from his "sister," and… Stared.

Shit.

He saw Sasuke.

The more-timid-than-usual Uchiha had been debating with himself on whether or not to ask Naruto's uncle where his niece was. It seemed necessary now that he ask regardless of his unwillingness. "Where's Naruto?" he deadpanned as politely as he deemed unavoidable.

"School," Jiraiya replied with a blink of utmost surprise at Sasuke's sudden appearance.

Sasuke's temper rocketed up from the floor and hit the ceiling. "School?" he seethed. The angry Uchiha raged about the hall and stamped his foot in the kitchen. "Why the _hell _is she at school? Are you people _stupid_ or something?"

"Nothing will happen to her as long as she's at school."

Half out of rage and half out of excitement, Sasuke jumped stiffly when he heard Kyuubi's frighteningly casual voice from the living room. The fox-woman stuck her snout into the archway of the kitchen and added, "I'd appreciate if you didn't yell at my brother." Then she snapped, "No matter how many chips he sneaks to his computer after he _promised_ to his sister that he was on a diet."

Muttering to himself, Jiraiya glared accusingly at Sasuke for giving him away and stuffed the bag of chips back into the cupboard.

Ashamed at being caught heckling one of Kyuubi's family members, Sasuke slunk back down the hallway. He didn't get far, however.

His thoughts leapt out from the dank, dimly-lit cavity in which they were hiding and attacked him.

Why was Naruto at school? Like hell she was safe! Sasuke wondered how Kyuubi's mind worked sometimes. Her daughter was nearly kidnapped the other day. The last thing any sane parent would do, smart or not, would be to send her off by herself again.

Dissatisfied with his anxiety and still in the throes of a terrifically bad mood, Sasuke marched back down the hall, through the kitchen, and into the living room. Kyuubi, lounging on the green, corduroy sofa, remote in hand, never took her eyes off of the television and said, "Hmmmmmm?"

"How are you planning to get her home safely?" Sasuke demanded with his arms across his chest.

"Temari," Kyuubi hummed nostalgically, not quite in a manner that suggested attention.

This greatly annoyed the Mighty Uchiha, who was used to having his every command heard and obeyed. "What if Temari gets attacked as well?"

"Suna kids can take care of themselves," Kyuubi hummed quiescently.

Sasuke gritted his teeth and dug his toes into the carpet. "What if the school gets infiltrated? It almost happened a while ago, you know."

"Don't you have homework to do?" Kyuubi deadpanned and turned up the volume on the television.

Oh, the insolence! Here Sasuke was, fearing for his girlfriend's life, begging for a reason as to why she was put back in danger, and her own mother was sitting in her house and watching TV.

Kyuubi cast a sidelong eye at him and squinted. "Don't worry about her. I'm sure she's having the time of her life."

----

Naruto was having the time of his life.

When he walked down the halls, people parted, leaving him a great, gleaming path of dirty tile in a sea of babbling bodies.

Students and teachers alike did a double-take whenever he walked into a classroom. They gazed, wide-eyed and blinking, for extensive periods of time and dared to steal glances at him when they misjudged the range of his peripheral vision.

All the dangling, glittering jewelry he wouldn't dare to wear in the halls before was now dripping off of his person.

If he felt threatened by anyone or anything, from the seniors on the front lawn to the empty soda-cans littering the hallway, Naruto needed only to point to it, say, "Die," and it would be done.

In his blue pleather skirt, candy-striped stockings, and black bomber jacket, Naruto was Queen.

He sat down in health class, fluffing his feathers up like the righteous peacock he was, and drew enormous attention to himself with the fan of his tail that was his entourage. He disregarded Kakashi, Neji, and Gaara completely before searching the room for someone worthy of his scorn.

Someone was putting makeup on in the back of the room.

Naruto snapped for the hell of it. "Mr. Aoba!" he shrilled with his arms folded selfishly across his chest.

"Yes Ma'am," deadpanned a man in a Konoha Military Police uniform to Naruto's left. His sunglasses reflected everything in the room and his hair was done perfectly into a puffed spike at the crown of his head.

Pretending like he _wasn't_ mesmerized by Officer Yamashiro's sunglasses, Naruto stuck his nose up in the air and pointed indignantly at the culprit and her foundation compact. "That girl's makeup might explode and it makes me uncomfortable!"

Aoba sighed despairingly, as if none of this interested him at all, and grudgingly escorted the clueless girl out of the room.

"Naruto," Kakashi interrupted in his peculiarly calm voice, "What the hell are you doing?"

Come to think of it… his voice was too calm…

Then again, kicking Kakashi out of class would come back, come second semester and the second mile, and bite him in the ass.

"Yeah, Naruto," Gaara nudged humorlessly, "What on earth are these people doing here?"

"I told you at lunch," Naruto trumpeted with his nose still to the ceiling.

"Yeah," Neji interjected, "But we'd love to hear it again. I didn't believe a word you said."

Naruto cast glances at his posse.

There was Raido, with that enormous gash on the left side of his face, looking as if he found the windows much more captivating than Naruto's safety. In the desk directly behind Naruto, Kotetsu had forcefully shoved an unfortunate student out of his desk and claimed the desktop as his own. Last but not least, Izumo clicked his tongue in amusement as if he found Naruto's antics comically fascinating.

Aoba, as Naruto bragged, was in the hallway detaining his fourth student of the day.

"They're my bodyguards." Naruto stated on the highest horse he could find.

Neji executed a flawless, well-rehearsed headdesk.

"Naruto," Kakashi asked politely and calmly, "Why do you need bodyguards?"

Naruto couldn't resist. "Because I-"

"That's classified information," interrupted Kotetsu with the gravity of a seasoned officer.

The blonde narrowed his eyes and twisted his body around to peer accusingly at the policeman. Stupid Kotetsu… Ruined Naruto's fun five times that day.

Fun.

Yes, fun.

His nerves were racked, but less as time went on. Naruto missed his old house. He'd never left it. As far as he knew, he was born in that house and he would have lived there until his mom drove him out. Suddenly, Naruto was shoved into Jiraiya's car with a brooding Uchiha Sasuke and shipped to his uncle's house.

He didn't have to worry about the house. He'd get it back someday. Kyuubi wasn't that reckless…

The real worry of his was the reason he had four bodyguards. All the less for him to worry about! Kotetsu, Aoba, Izumo, and Raido would take care of anything that came within ten feet of him with so much as a nasty look on its face. As far as Naruto knew, they were armed at all times.

If some crazy bitch on a Harley came screaming down the sidewalk after Naruto, the suspect would be riddled with bullet holes long before he made contact.

Much to Naruto's displeasure, nothing happened during that class period that he could arrest anyone for.

The bell rang and Kakashi waved everyone out, eyeing Naruto's caravan critically as they all filed professionally out the door.

Once in the hall, Naruto was brutally attacked by Gaara.

Kotetsu jumped, Izumo smiled, Raido whistled, and Aoba marched back into view with that ridiculous frown on his face.

"Meet me by Temari's car after school," the redheaded disaster demanded. Naruto only tilted his head at him and said, "Why?"

"I have something to talk to you about."

"No kidding," Naruto gaped in mock-astonishment.

"No kidding," Gaara echoed in an equal mockery of enthusiasm.

Naruto rolled his eyes and dismissed the Suna kid with a flick of his hair. He then sauntered down the hallway, officers and all.

----

Sasuke had been pacing in one corner of the living room for the duration of the day. Kyuubi made fun of him for it and he hated her because of her carelessness. He half wanted something terrible to happen to Naruto just to see something other than playful content on Kyuubi's face.

Nevertheless, Naruto came parading through the door before the clock struck four.

Oh goodness.

Three rhymes in a row.

Three people in a row as well. After Naruto bounded in the door, Neji dragged himself across the threshold and Gaara trotted at his heels. Kyuubi waved to them, they waved back, and then the fox woman floated out the way her daughter and her friends came. Sasuke, more suspicious of Kyuubi at the moment, peered out the window at her. She was making exaggerated hand-gestures to a group of four police officers…

Police officers.

That was how Kyuubi got away with sending Naruto to school.

In spite of (despite the fact that there was nothing to spite) Naruto's mom's antics, Sasuke couldn't help but feel worried about the things that could have happened to his little blonde maniac.

The first greeting of the afternoon did not happen between Sasuke and Naruto. Rather, Gaara chose that time of day to glare, point lackadaisically, and say to Sasuke, "You're alive?"

Sasuke glared back.

"Ho shnap!" Neji slapped one knee, backpedaling into the living room with a banana in hand, "If it ishn't Shashuke!" He gulped the piece of banana he'd been chewing, "Getting fat on Kyuubi's cooking, I see."

Sasuke glared, crossed his arms, and brooded. What a greeting.

Gaara looked the angry Uchiha up and down, as if searching for something and not knowing what it was. He then nodded his head and said, "Yup. He's still got it."

…What?

"Got what?" Sasuke spat in the most irritable of voices.

"Your Emo," Neji stated with an arm extended in a matter-of-fact manner.

"My _what?_" Sasuke asked, sneering.

Neji only grinned that peculiar, malicious Hyuga grin. Instead of mentioning any more on the matter, he and Gaara both vanished into the kitchen.

Sasuke sat there, dumfounded, and wondered where his respect had gone in the past few weeks. He also wondered where something else had vanished off to.

His attention.

Ever since the 'If I were a boy…' disaster, Naruto had been avoiding Sasuke like the plague. Sasuke made the mistake of hoping that the two of them had sewn the gap shut after his car-snatching, girlfriend-rescuing, life-risking escapade, but in vain.

She zipped her lips shut and hid around the corner.

Gah!

He wanted to talk to her though! Silence and Naruto could only be used in the same sentence with an odd number of _not_s.

Maybe Sasuke needed to reconsider his priorities? Whether or not he'd be desperate enough to love Naruto if she were a guy? But that was a ridiculous, pointless question. Naruto wasn't a guy. Why was Sasuke even _considering_ the possibility?

"What'sha' matter, Uchiha?" Neji mumbled around his half-eaten banana.

"None of your business, Hyuga," Sasuke bit back. Gaara then sped into the room, glaring both of them down. "I thought we were on a first-name-basis here. What's all this then?"

"Like I said," Sasuke grumbled irately, "It's none of your business."

And it wasn't. To demonstrate how much Sasuke would not elaborate on the matter, he stuck his hands in his pockets and slunk away. He returned, quite uneventfully, to "his" room and kicked one of the sacks of clothes near the door.

Sasuke was an emotional wreck.

Too many things had been happening lately.

The motorcycle chases, the angry siblings, the boxes…

The boxes.

Sasuke never did get to see what was in all of them. He made it to two or three, and then things went downhill. But if Kyuubi honestly wanted someone to dig up her past, she would have moved the boxes from that basement as well. She would have hidden them here.

But where would she have put them?

Sasuke forced Naruto out of his mind and set to thinking about Kyuubi's hiding spots. She wouldn't put the boxes anywhere no one would notice. She'd place them somewhere so open, yet un-obvious.

Did Jiraiya's house have a basement?

Slyly, Sasuke crept back out his door and pussy-footed down the hall. Which way to the basement? Which halls and rooms had Sasuke not snooped through? Considering that his range of existence had only passed through his room, the hall, the kitchen, and the living room, there was much to explore. Bedrooms, more halls… Jiraiya's house was much larger than Kyuubi's.

Everything he _owned_ was much larger than Kyuubi's. He had a boxy, angular, wide-screen projection television that dominated the living room. His stove was huge, boasting six large burners, as if he had six things in his house that he wanted to cook all at once. All of the appliances in his kitchen were bright and flashy and made completely of stainless steel. He had artwork in Sasuke's room and in the hall that was mainly toad-themed. A wrought-iron lily pad here, a frog painting there, some framed vintage pictures from an old _Frog and Toad_ book. Speaking of _Frog and Toad_ books and the immensity of everything in Jiraiya's house, he had a huge collection of them. Books were stacked everywhere, primarily for decoration, Sasuke assumed.

In short, Jiraiya had it made.

Though from his wardrobe, one could assume that he didn't have much money after buying all that pretentious art.

Maybe he was house-poor.

Maybe he didn't care about fashion.

Either way, Sasuke was hell-bent on discovering whether there was or was not a basement for Kyuubi's past to lurk in. He slunk past the kitchen, avoiding Naruto, and slid along the walls of a hallway he hadn't recognized.

God, he wanted to find those boxes!

Speak of the devil.

Sasuke morphed into an open room as soon as he saw one of Kyuubi's candy-apple red stilettos clacking around the corner. Soundlessly, he concealed himself behind a sliding closet door in the room he'd ducked into.

Kyuubi and Jiraiya were walking one after the other respectively down the hall. Sasuke assumed by the distance of their voices that they'd stopped right near the junction of the kitchen and Sasuke's hallway.

They were having a secret little chat.

"Honestly, Kyuubi, I don't think he's going to find them. You hid them in such a hard place."

Hid what? Full of hope, Sasuke pressed an ear to the door.

"Oh, of course not. He'll never come snooping around _that empty room at the end of the hall _any time soon."

What was she _doing_? Dropping more hints? She couldn't possibly have seen him run into the room and hide, could she? Damn, she was smart. Sasuke had no intention of letting her know that he was there, though.

Jiraiya laughed, "Right, right. Well, you always knew best. I just hope you know what you're doing. I know first-hand that it's better to be _told_ secrets than to find them out on your own."

Sasuke dug his nails into his palms when Kyuubi's father came to mind.

"He's received a lot of second-hand information," Kyuubi drawled, "I'm pretty sure he'll be okay."

Now that context, Sasuke couldn't identify with. Well… he'd heard a lot about his brother through the grapevine and a lot of rumors from other people, but he never…

Hey! How did Kyuubi know about that? Honestly, that woman scared him.

Then, the two of them silently maneuvered back into the hall. Jiraiya whispered in a hushed voice, "How do you know he's been down there, anyway?"

Kyuubi chuckled, "Oh… just things I notice. He stacks the boxes back up perfectly, but the order that he packs everything back into them is all wrong."

"Just like him," Jiraiya snorted, "Always missing the tiny details…"

Sasuke could almost leap out of his closet and scream. Were they messing with him on purpose? Trying to rile him up? Well, news. It had worked! Sasuke wasn't an idiot! He fumed in the closet, not daring to make a peep in regard to his frustration.

After they left, giggling couple that they were, Sasuke zipped past where Kyuubi and her step-brother had been. He rocketed down the hall and headed for his room. He had all the information he needed regarding Kyuubi's treasure trove, and as far as he knew, she'd willingly given it to him. He had the green light for visiting her boxes any time he wanted. But, suspicious though he was, Sasuke would make his rounds under cover of nightfall. Kyuubi would be blissfully asleep, as she always was (or wasn't?). Sasuke would creep into the empty room with a flashlight and snoop for a bit.

Unlike the floors at Naruto's old house, Jiraiya's didn't creak.

Of course he didn't have a basement…

Unwilling to confront Naruto on any terms and needing to pass the time until nightfall, Sasuke crawled unceremoniously into his bed and fell asleep.

----

Naruto let out a sigh of relief as Sasuke passed the kitchen archway without a word. He didn't want more awkward silence between them. It was much easier to bear when the silence came with distance.

And what was Kyuubi mumbling about earlier? Something about some room…

He chewed thoughtfully on his Pop-Tart.

"I _did_ say that Sasuke's Emo was still in tact," Gaara suddenly mentioned from somewhere in the kitchen.

Naruto smiled.

They had the most interesting "important" discussion after school that day.

"_Okay," Neji whispered once all three of them- He, Naruto, and Gaara- met at Temari's car. The four police escorts that Naruto had were listening in as well, but Naruto didn't mind. They were going to follow Temari's car to his house in their police cruiser! It was so exciting!_

"_There's this girl in my forensics class, Koyuki Kazehana," Neji hushed with the utmost gravity, "Her parents died in a fire or something when she was in elementary school. I think she's a senior. Anyway, all the girls were talking about it."_

"_And you were listening to these girls?" Naruto sniggered._

"_Tch!" Gaara hissed and slapped the blonde across the face. Thinking that whatever Neji had to say was nothing to be laughed at, Naruto clenched his teeth and paid attention, despite the pain pulsing through his cheek._

_Neji sighed, "Can I continue without anymore interruptions?"_

"_Yeah," Naruto nodded meekly, "Go on."_

"_Anyway… she's really sad all the time, and I didn't see her at all until Sasuke left. I think she transferred."_

_Gaara chimed in then, "It's true. I haven't seen her around before."_

"_And..?" Naruto urged, wanting to get to the juicy details._

"_And…" Neji hesitated. Bored of his boyfriend's stalling, Gaara rolled his eyes and deadpanned quite frankly:_

"_We think she's stealing Sasuke's Emo."_

_Had Naruto the ability to fall flat on his face without giving himself a concussion, he would have done it. Sasuke's Emo? His EMO??? What the hell?_

"_This is a very serious matter!" Neji squeaked, trying to look stern and leaking laughter through the upturned crescent of his lips instead._

_The gravity of the situation failed them all and soon, all three of them were floating through the air on clouds of ridiculous giggles._

Gaara, having not finished his thought before Naruto reminisced, continued, "But aren't you two being oddly quiet?"

Naruto blinked at him and tilted his head. Then, having caught wind of Gaara's worry and curiosity, smiled a white smile full of pointy canine teeth. "Uh, no! Nothing's wrong! We're not having any problems or anything! I SO totally didn't make a complete fool of myself the other day…"

Gaara's flat, luminescent, sea foam eyes flashed once in a slow, deliberate blink. "Hey Neji," he half-shouted. The Asian boy stopped rummaging in Jiraiya's cabinets and poked his head out from behind the door. "Hmmmm?" he hummed with a plastic Cheez-It sack clenched between his teeth. "Naruto and I will be right back," Gaara announced, letting Naruto know that there was no escape.

Naruto slumped.

"Fine," Neji grumbled, "But I'm going to steal your food. That okay?"

"Uh, sure," Naruto gestured halfheartedly in a shrug, "Eat everything you want."

Neji, quite happily left alone with his food, went back to rummaging through the cupboard. Since Neji was busy, Gaara took Naruto by the arm and whisked him out of the room as a child did to a rag doll. The fox-boy had a feeling that he wasn't getting invited to just _any _tea party, though.

Gaara, as if having a sixth sense for Naruto's room, led them both there and sat Naruto down on the bed. Rather, threw him, but the blonde was too dreadful of the upcoming events to worry much about being flung.

"Made a fool out of yourself, huh?" Gaara growled after he shut the door after him. The redhead leaned up against the wall and suddenly, disregarding his diminutive height, seemed very strong and imposing.

Naruto twiddled his thumbs.

"Did you actually think you could get away with telling him you were a guy?" Gaara yelled, exasperated, obviously having no second thoughts about the thickness of the walls.

"I didn't tell him!" Naruto swore, punching his bed with one hand and then wringing the fabric of his sheets in that same hand.

"Really?" Gaara deadpanned, unconvinced.

"Really!" Naruto promised.

Gaara rolled his eyes as only he could do. "Listen, Naruto, I like you and all, and I think you're a good person. I'm sure Sasuke does too." He took an exasperated breath, "But I also know that he'd have a fit if he knew."

Naruto frowned. Why was he letting himself be talked down like this? He was doing the right thing by letting Sasuke know!

"Oh right!" Naruto blabbed, "Like he isn't going to find out anyway!"

Gaara raised an eyebrow at this.

Naruto rambled on, "Like he isn't going to wonder why we're never going to be…" he chose his words, "…intimate anytime soon. He's going to wonder why I've got to go to the fucking _bathroom_ whenever he gets too close. That happened once, you know! And my voice is going to get deeper sometime! It's got to!"

Gaara shut his eyes and turned his head to the side. He did that when he was thinking. The blonde, corners of his eyes threatening to spill over, caught up with his breath and calmed down.

What he mistook for calm, however, was a pressurized water balloon of despair.

His nose stung and all of the sudden, his heart dropped into his gut. Naruto bent over, struck his hands hard against the side of his mattress, and sobbed. "It really was a stupid thing to do, wasn't it?" He sniveled and hiccupped as the tears ran down his cheeks, into his nose, and off of his chin.

Why had she done this to him? Why, out of all the torture she could have put him through, did she choose_ this_? What had happened to her that she felt she needed to equalize through Naruto's suffering? What had Naruto done to deserve this?

Why had Kyuubi turned him into a _girl_?

What had happened to her in her goddamn childhood that justified Naruto's despair? She was laughing at him, wasn't she? She always wanted a girl. She always wanted a goddamn daughter! Forget _Naruto_! Forget _Mr._ Uzumaki. Forget football, forget G.I. Joes, forget mowing the lawn with his shirt off. _Miss_ Uzumaki was raised with Barbies and tea-cups! _Miss _Uzumaki wore pink dresses on Sundays.

And _Miss_ Uzumaki was going to graduate a Miss Uzumaki, age a Miss Uzumaki, and die a Miss Uzumaki.

_Miss._

Not even a Ms. or a Mrs. for his trouble.

Naruto Uzumaki would live alone, sleep alone, work alone, his bones would fall apart, all alone.

And he would die alone.

That was the very reason men didn't want to die, wasn't it? Loneliness. Why had Kyuubi made him into a girl? Didn't she know how lonely he'd be? Loneliness was the very reason death was such a scary thing. Why should anyone embrace it in life?

Though he and Sasuke were both alone, their methods of being so were far from one another. Sasuke was selfish by choice. He didn't want to involve himself with the world, but if he ever had the whim to speak to it, there it was, stretching its great, yawning, welcoming arms in his direction. Naruto didn't want to be alone. He chased after the world like a kid to an ice-cream truck. He had his two dollars clenched in his fingertips, little feet pedaling as fast as they could carry him, screaming at the top of his lungs for the nice ice-cream man to stop.

But he never did stop.

No one ever did.

But that guy on the motorcycle… Now _he _wanted to see Naruto really bad. He chased him through the streets, unrelenting, until Sasuke, _curse his sorry little soul_, came to rescue him.

Ah!

Now Naruto saw it, beast that it was!

He cried, hiccupped, and dribbled miserably as he flexed the band-aids stretched over one of his skinned palms. Sasuke had saved him from the one monster that wanted to share a good cup of coffee with him. Granted, it could have come with a gunshot or five, but what the hell! Naruto was going to die anyway. If he was going to die, he might as well have done it in the good company of a lunatic. A fun-loving, stalking, dead-silent, stark-raving-mad lunatic.

At least Naruto wouldn't get old.

Something odd happened then. Odd enough for Gaara to start running his mouth again. Naruto didn't pay attention to a single word he said.

He was too busy laughing.

_My God… I want to die._

----

Sasuke woke up at the perfect time that night. He'd only been bothered once by the fox herself, flicking her red locks over her shoulder and yelling at him to get something to eat. After that, he'd retreated back into the confines of his blankets and fallen back asleep.

So here he was. The glowing digital clock on his nightstand told him that it was an hour and twelve minutes past midnight.

Perfect.

He crept out of bed, instinctively spreading his toes apart on the floor to avoid creaks. He flowed across the floor and unlatched his door like a shadow. The Uchiha oozed into the hallway and peered every which way. He listened.

No sound.

Well… there… should have been no sound.

Then what on earth was that bumping noise?

Dark hallway, no windows or dancing headlight projections, no way to escape, a bump in the night…

_A bump in the night._

Against his will, Sasuke's stomach rose in his throat like a rock in the mouth of a volcano, his hair stood on end, he stopped breathing, and suddenly began to feel very, very ill. He pressed himself into the wall and remained there for God knew how long. He stayed silent, afraid that if he moved, he would be noticed, and if he didn't, he'd be attacked. He watched the faint glow of the kitchen archway as he could see it now with his eyes adjusted.

Sasuke half expected something to slowly poke its beady little eyes around that corner and scare him to death.

Another bump.

Nothing happened.

Yet another.

Something that sounded an awful lot like 'sumbitch!' And it sounded… like…

Naruto?

Sasuke crawled across the floor and pressed his body to the wall just outside the kitchen. Sure enough, Naruto's garbled, angry voice drifted through the archway.

"Yep… No… Yep… No… Imma'… Hu-uh…Wanna' do it… But what'll happen when… sumbitch… dammmnnn…" sniffle, "Never shoulda'… stupid car… gonna' be in real big truuubble…" hic, "Just wanna'… but… dammit!"

Yep. It was Naruto.

By the sound of things, she wasn't having the best of nights.

Sasuke poked his head around the corner and squinted at the scene before him. There, splayed on the counter, in her baggy, plaid pajama pants, was Naruto. She swayed unhappily now and then, leaning far back on her palms and letting her bare feet hang off of the edge. Her eyeliner fox-whiskers were smudged and her eyes were swimming.

Sasuke glanced down at one of her palms.

Trapped under it was a squealing, dribbling, impossibly miserable, empty bottle of…

"Naruto," Sasuke deadpanned, waiting for the disoriented girl to notice him.

She lurched forward and swayed into her chest. Once she'd righted herself, she glared unevenly at him and said, "Shashhkay. You s'posed t' be im BED!" She accentuated 'BED' with a sharp thump of her free hand on the counter.

Sasuke offered only a blank stare in the face of her anger.

"Naruto," he sighed, "why are you drunk?"

Naruto swayed in one direction, seeming to think about it for however long a time. "Buh-cuz…" she slurred lowly, "You don' lish'n da me."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and sat down for what he assumed to be a long time in a dining chair. He sensed some drug-induced confessing going on. "Since when don't I listen to you?"

"You don' care," Naruto spluttered.

Sasuke noticed that the conversation would go nowhere and veered in a new direction. He gestured halfheartedly to the empty bottle of… something alcoholic… beneath her hand. "Your mom's going to notice that the bottle you're holding is gone."

"Hu-uh," Naruto grumbled quiescently.

"Yes," Sasuke reinforced, "And when she does, she's going to be angry with you."

"Nu-uh. She doesn' use col' med'shin anaways…"

Sasuke mustered all the self-respect and resolve he had just to keep his jaw off of the floor.

"Naruto, do you mean to tell me that you're not drunk, but you've overdosed on cold medicine?"

Naruto smiled and slapped the air with a 'pshh!' noise coming from her lips. "Nooo! Alka-hawl ish baaad fur you, Shashkay! B'sides…" she then leaned in slyly and hissed a little secretive laugh, "Jrinkin' ish aginst the lawww."

"So you got high on cold medicine instead," Sasuke deadpanned, balancing on the verges of laughter and violence at the same time. Jesus Christ. Sasuke had heard of quaffing cold medication and its side effects, but he thought it was just an urban legend. You couldn't possibly get _drunk_ off of cold medicine! Sure, Sasuke had read about hallucinations and liver-failure and shit like that online, but never an actual, alcohol-like _drunk_.

God, Naruto was confusing.

"Shhhhhh!" Naruto hissed, little spit-lets misting in the air, "I'm no' jrunk, Shashkay! I'm on medica… medshcker… shtuff!"

"Same thing," Sasuke sighed.

"Hrnooo… s'not the same…" sniffle, "Bu' whyy 'joo care 'neways? Yer dumb an'… an'… sumthin' else that's dumb an'… yer… shtupid jrug addict!"

The Uchiha's feathers were frazzled and he puffed himself up righteously. "I am _not_ a drug addict," he warned.

"Sho they all shayyy…" Naruto grumbled and lifted what could be counted, indeed, as a medicine bottle. Having a sudden pang in his chest about what could happen if she chugged it, Sasuke quickly averted her thoughts and hissed at her, "Naruto! How much cold medicine did you drink?"

She lowered the bottle and peered at him peculiarly. "Lotsss," she slurred. Sasuke's spine suddenly prickled with dread and he forgot all about being mad at her. Naruto needed a doctor. She'd overdosed on cough medicine. She was going to pass out and her liver was going to shut down and she could die and…

"Ruulllaaaaaaxxx…" Naruto spat and set down her cold medicine, "Mah uncle nev'r keeps _reeeeaaalll_ cold medshin in the house."

Sasuke drew his eyebrows together and crossed his arms at her, wondering how she could be so goddamn _stupid_. "Really?" he nearly yelled, "And how does that work?"

"He dil… diloot… addsh water or shumthin' to it," Naruto mumbled, "And it'sh not ev'n real Nyyyquilll. Shum shtoorr bran' shiiittt."

Now Sasuke was curious. Curious and relieved. "Why on earth would he do that?" he growled.

"Mom," Naruto mentioned.

Sasuke gaped.

"Used 'da do it lotss when dad died. Alwaysh shkeered mom was gonna' kill 'ersewf wiff it."

"She could get cold medication by herself, couldn't she?" Sasuke mused.

"Nev'r did," Naruto remarked and swirled her cough medicine in its bottle. "Shoulda' shtopped when mom got better. Think he'sh jist used to it."

Sasuke sighed. How much more fucked up could Naruto's family get?

"H'm not jrunk…" Naruto insisted dreamily, repeating herself irrelevantly and being in blissful ignorance of it, "jist real tired."

"Go to sleep, Naruto," Sasuke suggested.

Naruto's eyes sharpened suddenly and she looked more lucid than she had been for the past few minutes. She cast him a leery eye and growled, "Why'm I talkin' da you anawaysh, you shtupid bastard?"

Sasuke scoffed and frowned indignantly at her. Just what had he done wrong? He demanded to know. "Naruto, what the hell have I done to make myself a stupid bastard?"

"You wouldnmrsh mrshmurmble… shmsh… nrarmm…"

"What was that?"

"You wouldn' like mee iff I was a… shmurmble… brawr… blurb…"

"Speak up," Sasuke half-yelled with his arms at his sides.

"I said 'joo wouldn' like mee if I was a guyyy!" Naruto spat, "You shtupid shtupidhead!" In the wan moonlight from the kitchen window, Sasuke saw something glowing silver blaze a trail down her cheek.

Sasuke slumped against the archway and groaned with his face in his palms. Would this nonsense ever end? Was Naruto in the middle of a mental breakdown or something?

Of course she was.

She was babbling about being a man and getting high on diluted cold medication. But… Maybe that was the reason she was overdosing on meds. Was the love issue that important? Was she that sentimental?

"Is this about the guy thing?" Sasuke droned.

"Sho what if it ish?" Naruto babbled, completely ignorant of her own mother sleeping somewhere within the confines of the house. "I guesh I don' care 'ne more…"

"You wouldn't be high if you didn't care, Naruto."

The fox-girl cast a forlorn look at her cold medicine before dejectedly batting it toward the other end of the counter. "That'sh not the reasinnn I'm ou' here," she grumbled.

Sasuke snorted, "Really? Would you like to tell me the reason then?"

"I was makin' up mah mind 'bout shumthin, but I had sheckond thoughtsh an' I thought thish would hellpp…"

"Making your mind up about what?" Sasuke inquired anxiously.

Naruto cast her eyes aside and slumped into the counter. "Shashkayyy…" she groaned, "Ima ffrreeakkk…"

Sasuke pushed himself back off of the archway and listened, figuring that nothing he had to say would be helpful.

"I jush… Ima ffrreak, Shashkay." She flopped her arms down onto her pajama pants and slurred, "I wear girlsh shtuff, I got girl toysh, I talk like a girrrlll…"

"Right now, you don't sound like a girl at all," Sasuke interrupted irately. What was the problem with acting like a girl when you were one? Granted, Sasuke had no proof that she was a girl. Quite the opposite, actually. She had a flat chest, she didn't have a frou-frou attitude, Sasuke never caught her wearing a bathing suit…

No.

Just no.

It was a freakishly good idea, but no. All evidence pointed one way, but no. No, nope, no fucking way.

But at the same time… What if that was why Naruto was all riled up? Naruto was a… a _he_! A _boyfriend_, not a girlfriend! But then… how could he fool so many people into believing he was a girl? Didn't government documents cover these things thoroughly? How could he get away with it?

Why did he _want_ to?

Why did… how could… what… did that mean…. Sasuke kissed… a… guy..?

_A guy?_

No, no, no, no, no, no, no-

Sasuke curled his fingernails around his ears, pressed his palms flat against his head, and shook it hard. He didn't want to hear what Naruto had to say. She was a girl! Girl, girl, girl! Naruto was a girl, goddamn it! The world could try to trick him all it wanted, but Sasuke was going to hang onto that single sparkle of desperation until His Kingdom came and His will was done and the earth fell to pieces.

"Naruto!" he shouted, mindless of the noise, still clawing at his ears, "You have girls' clothes, girls' toys, and a girl's vocabulary because you _are_ a girl! Got it? You _are_ a girl!"

Naruto's glowing blue gaze held Sasuke's a moment longer. Those eyes filled with something like acceptance. The creases near the corners of her gaze softened and her eyebrows returned to their naturally arched forms.

Sasuke was at a loss for words when it hit him.

That look…

Like a sled dog stuck beneath the ice, Naruto could only strive and struggle for so long. She was spent. She had recognized the futility in her efforts and had made peace with her failure. She stopped clawing the ice and howling for help.

She let herself drift away.

"The reason I came down here was to get a few things off of my chest before I left."

Suddenly, Sasuke was blinking, wide-eyed, as Naruto's demeanor iced over into the freezing tundra of lethal lucidity.

"I'm not drunk on cold medicine," She grumbled, eyes downcast, feet dangling precariously still off of the counter. "We have no alcohol or cold medicine in this house." Naruto continued, heedless of Sasuke's eyes, "Even with the smallest drop of it, mom would find a way to die."

Sasuke couldn't even _flounder_ for words.

Nor could he form coherent thoughts. Naruto's words and actions bogged him down and crushed him.

"I thought I could wake you up with my noise and you might listen to me if you felt sorry for me. But… I couldn't even tell you what I wanted to tell you. The truth is, Sasuke, I'm scared." She shuffled around on the counter, "I've been thinking all afternoon that I wanna' go back to that bookstore. I want to find the guy who chased me. The way I had it all planned out, I'd just hop on his motorcycle and he'd do the rest. Because… eight hours ago, I wasn't afraid to die."

Naruto sniffled, "Sadness is a funny thing. It makes you want to do stuff you'd never even think about normally. I tried to keep it alive through dinner, but it didn't work. I got scared. I don't know what happens after I die… I'll never see Gaara or Neji or… you… ever again. I can stand being lonely when I know there are people to be lonely for… but… no matter how sad I am, I know I'll see you guys again. If I die… then… I don't know if I'll ever…"

More wet, harsh sniffles.

"So I thought, if I told you before I went… it'd make me feel better… but…" she slammed her palms into the counter and sobbed, "Lookit' me! I'm such a stupid coward! You're right here, and I don't want to tell you anything!"

She sobbed again, "I thought that if I told you, you'd hate me! If you hated me, fuck Gaara and Neji! Fuck having them to worry about! I figure I'll die alone anyway! Why not go running to moto-psycho in his crazy little bookshop? If you hated me, I could die knowing that the quick and easy way saved me the grief of my lifetime. But no! I can't fucking _tell_ you!"

Sob, slam, hiccup, sniffle, sob…

Sasuke could swear he heard Naruto's tears slapping against the granite of the countertop. She curled her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around them before burying her head in her thighs and wailing.

Still, Sasuke waited in the door, unsure of what to do or say and the effect it would have.

"I knew this would happen!" she choked, "I knew I couldn't do it! I couldn't go through with it! I knew it from the start! I couldn't just go off and die! I couldn't even tell you _anything_! This was so stupid! I'm such a good-for-nothing, stupid idiot! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

She was accentuating each 'Stupid!' with a frighteningly serious bash on the back of the head. She rhythmically smashed the back of her skull into the wall behind her and shook the glass in the cupboards.

Sasuke's indecision and pure virginity to the ordeal got him scared. He'd never seen Naruto so self-abusive and obsessed in his life. He feared what she might do if he intervened, and alternately if he stayed quiet. His fear of both worlds froze him to the spot.

Naruto was hurting herself. What was more, she had said that she wanted to die. She had been having serious thoughts of allowing herself to be killed.

Thoughts of suicide.

Naruto had stopped banging her head on the wall and the only sound permeating the silence was her unbroken sobbing. Sasuke was rigid in the archway, still having no idea what to do.

"Naruto," was as far as he got.

The addressed's wailing never skipped a beat.

Sasuke hesitated, finally finding the nerves to fidget with his feet. What was he going to say? What could he possibly say to the face of one so miserable? "Naruto, I…" he paused, then sighed. More like scoffed. He couldn't figure out what to say! It was very clear to him that Naruto expected some sort of reaction.

All that stuff she just overloaded his brain with…

She would really risk her life… for him? Based on something he said? Wanton abandonment of everything else?

What was Sasuke supposed to say to that?

"I just… Do you… Would you really throw your life away based just on something I said?" Sasuke asked, sounding painfully selfish and proud in his own ears.

"Yes," sniffled Naruto.

No pause.

No thinking.

No hesitation.

Just "Yes."

"Why does what I say matter so much?" Sasuke pleaded softly. He absolutely hated the way he sounded. Groveling and pining for Naruto's answers, dangling from the threads of her every whim…

"Because! Shouldn't it 'matter so much?' You're the only guy that's ever liked me. And I like you! I love you! We've fought and fought and fought, but we're still here! You've stuck with me! Nobody does that!"

She took another deep, ramble-heralding breath and howled, "I hate you, Sasuke! I'm scared of you! I hate it when you don't talk to me! You know why? You know _why_?"

She curled her nails around the edge of the counter, leapt onto all fours, crouched, and yelled.

"I hate you because I love you, Sasuke! It's cliché, I know, but listen to me! I want to tell you my deepest secrets, but I'm afraid of what you'll say. When you reject something I hope you'll accept, I hate you for it! I'm angry, Sasuke! I could ask the same question to Gaara, to Neji, even to Sakura. If they all gave me the same answer, yours would matter the most! That's why I don't want to tell you my secrets, Sasuke! I'm afraid you'll say no! Your opinion matters most! It's the _only_ one that matters!"

"Naruto," Sasuke hesitated, fearing for the blonde's sanity, "I can't say what I think if you won't tell me what to think about. Let's just-"

"Just what?" Naruto snapped, "I can't tell you! I already know your answer…"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. This was bad. His stomach was churning with Naruto's hysteria. This was a bad, bad, horribly bad night. Sasuke didn't know how to belay her thoughts of suicide, but he was going to try, by God.

Naruto was _not_ going to die.

He took a deep breath and yelled, "Then why are you so hell-bent on staying here?" It was a risk and a flying leap into oblivion, but if Sasuke was going to make her see sense, the repetition of 'It's okay,' wouldn't do anything helpful. He chose the path he often chose: hysterical anger.

Naruto raised her black-smudged face and sniffled at him, crystalline eyes wide with shock.

"You said you were going to run off and die if I disagreed with whatever the hell you wanted to tell me. If you know I'll say no, then why are you still here?"

Naruto's eyes welled up with fresh tears and she fell back onto the counter and sobbed into her shirt again.

Okay… battle strategy functional. On to stage two: Lightly sprinkling fluffy, reasonable sweetness into his words. "Naruto," he sighed, "The fact is, whatever you want to ask me, you still have faith that I might be okay with it. I might! You don't know until you ask me!" Naruto sniffled and stopped sobbing, obviously paying attention. Thank God.

Stage three:

Sugarcoat everything.

"I've seen my share of unnerving things in my life. I've _partaken _in my share of unnerving things as well. A lot has been happening lately. It's been happening way too fast. We've both been under a lot of stress." He took a breath, "Maybe we just need to slow down a little, okay? It's a lot to ask for, but just relax for a while. I won't press any information out of you. Tell me what you want to tell me _when_ you want to tell me. Take as much or as little time as you want. I'll listen. I promise."

"_I promise."_

God, Sasuke hoped that, whatever Naruto had to say, he could at least keep that promise. It was the least he could do for her.

She'd stopped making any discernable noise and sat silent instead in her spot on the counter. Sasuke was left hanging. Was it a good sign or a bad sign? She wasn't actually… thinking… about leaving, was she?

What was so bad about this secret of hers? Was there something wrong with her? Did she have AIDS? Was she a guy?

_Did she have AIDS?_

Grudgingly, Sasuke considered the possibility. Was she wasting away beneath those blue eyes and fox whiskers? What would Sasuke do if this was the case? A rock formed in the pit of his stomach as he thought about it.

Did she have cancer maybe? Cancer or some other degenerative disease? If she knew, Sasuke probably would have noticed. Naruto would have seemed sickly, not the bouncing ray of sunshine that she was. Same went for the AIDS theory. She would have skipped more school days and people wouldn't be allowed around her, lest they make her sick.

What would happen if she died because of it? Sasuke couldn't play the brave hero. He wouldn't end his life over it. He couldn't. Even after Naruto died, he'd go on living, if only for the sake of being a coward. But if Naruto did fade off someplace, Sasuke knew a part of his soul would go with her.

It was a disconcerting thought.

_Was she a guy?_

Sasuke hadn't seriously thought about it. He didn't think he needed to until now. Even now, he was baffled by the notion. Naruto? Boy? Where? How? The more he thought about it, the more incredulous it became. The more_ scandalous_.

No matter how scandalous it was, it became blindingly obvious that there were worse things. Cancer. AIDS.

Sasuke then came to the shocking revelation that he was placing Boy Naruto before Cancer and AIDS. Before death.

Before loneliness.

Huh. He wondered. Perhaps Sasuke really could tolerate… _him_ after all.

Still unnerving though…

He shook the notion out of his head.

Naruto was talking to him again. "Really?" she sniffled like the cuddly little four-year-old that she was.

"Yes, Naruto," Sasuke replied, calm and desperate all at once.

"But," the blonde sniffled, "I don't know when I'll ever…"

Before Sasuke was completely aware of what he was doing, he'd caught himself in the act of drifting slowly away from the archway and into the kitchen. He didn't stop himself, though. He realized halfway through his journey what he was aiming for. Sasuke padded over to Naruto, tiles cold against his bare feet, and wrapped his arms around her.

"I know," he soothed, thumbs subconsciously rubbing circles into her back. Naruto's chest shook with another wet sniffle. Sasuke tried to work up all the positive energy he could. He needed something strange to say. Something that suggested the moment wasn't as serious as it appeared. On a whim, he grinned ridiculously into her shoulder and remarked, "You can keep me in suspense as long as you want."

Naruto coughed out a despairing, spasmodic giggle. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Thank God.

----

Why had Naruto gotten out of bed for _this_?

He knew he never would have gone through with it, no matter how much he tried to convince himself that fear was for sissies. He never really wanted to die.

He'd made the drunk-on-cold-medicine story on the fly. He originally planned to use a water-filled bottle of vodka, but then he remembered that Jiraiya only kept small amounts of alcohol in the house whenever his sister came over. Damning himself for not thinking of a better alternative, Naruto dragged what looked like a medicine bottle off of one shelf in his bathroom. He filled it with water and pretended he was high.

He had Sasuke going for a while.

Yet, Naruto had never mustered up the goddamn courage he needed to tell Sasuke that he was a goddamn guy.

It was ri-goddamn-diculous.

Naruto knew he wouldn't pull it off. He knew he wouldn't go running to Death with open arms and a smile.

So there he was, looking like a fool, bawling his eyes out once again into Sasuke's chest.

But Naruto supposed he was glad for the apparent futility of his actions. He'd done something after all. He found out that Sasuke was still open to any disaster Naruto threw at him. Sasuke had a cow when Naruto brought the 'If I were a guy' conversation up however many days ago. Perhaps it was just initial shock. Maybe the idea just needed a little time to get through the Uchiha's thick skull.

Knowing Naruto's hesitation, Sasuke would have a generous amount of time to think it over.

Even considering the bright side of the situation, Naruto felt positively wretched.

Hence his crying.

He hated himself for making a fool out of himself and he was relieved to the point of hysteria that Sasuke wasn't angry with him. Sasuke… actually… cared. Granted, Naruto's eyes had been two blurry with tears to see the emotions that went through Sasuke's face. So he interpreted the Uchiha's largely unbroken silences as periods of deep thought.

He cared.

Sasuke thought because he cared.

Naruto knew that he was going to pinch himself later for what he said next, but he needed to say it anyway. So many things could go wrong. So many things could happen that Naruto couldn't control. That, and it was a childish thing to suggest.

To hell with that.

Considering all the shit that had been going on as of late, Naruto figured he was entitled to his share of childish actions.

"Sasu-" dammit, couldn't keep himself from hiccupping- "keee…"

The Uchiha's chest hummed with a sigh. "Yes?"

Naruto took a deep, rattling breath.

"Sleep with me."

Naruto could tell by the flesh-on-vinyl sound that Sasuke's jaw had just hit the floor. The blonde rolled his eyes.

"Like snuggle, you idiot."

"Like snuggle," Sasuke repeated in an uneven voice. "Snuggle is good too."

Naruto sniffled and grinned in spite of his mood. "Hornhound," he snorted. Sasuke audibly rolled his eyes. "Yeah."

Naruto sniffled and the horrible boulder in his stomach finally began to dissolve. "So…" he asked apprehensively, "snuggle?"

Sasuke sighed and mulled over his options for a longer time than Naruto had anticipated, as if he had some other business to go about at this hour. Whatever his intentions may have been, his answer to Naruto was "Why not?"

"Because if my mom caught us, she'd kill us."

Sasuke shrugged his shoulders, nudging the side of Naruto's face. "Too bad."

Naruto half expected him to say something cheesy like, 'at least I'd die happy,' but he should have known better. Sasuke never had been one for cheese.

Naruto sighed happily and melted into a puddle of tears, fluff, snot, and relief. He sincerely hoped that Sasuke wouldn't mind having a drool-smear on his pajamas when he woke up the next morning.

The Uchiha allowed Naruto to ooze all over him for two more minutes before dragging a puddle of blonde into his room. He shut the door just enough to block the view of Kyuubi, lest she come prowling down the corridor. Naruto noticed with a mental squeal of joy that Sasuke intended to leave him a way out in case he felt uncomfortable.

Without a second thought, Naruto crawled beneath Sasuke's blankets, grabbed one of his pillows, and held it hostage. He shut his eyes and buried his face in his arm, feeling the physical toll of his emotional turmoil. Naruto was exhausted.

The telltale dip and bounce of the mattress was Naruto's only indication that Sasuke had joined him. He didn't immediately throw himself on the blonde, though, and smother him with love.

That would be un-Sasuke.

Sasuke hovered, amiably and calmly, as per usual, on the boundaries of Naruto's personal space. He refused to impose himself on Naruto, and for that, the Uzumaki was thankful. If Sasuke ever showed any physical display of affection without Naruto's initiation of it, woe to the world. Far be it from _Sasuke_ to manage a simple PDA during school hours.

Mumble… grumble…

Then again, Sasuke was always there when Naruto needed him.

Like tonight.

Naruto thought about it and started sniffling for the second time that night.

He couldn't _believe_ himself for wanting to leave that behind. Sure, Sasuke had avoided him ever since the argument that started this fiasco, but he'd never said a deliberately hurtful thing for the duration of that time. He'd lingered, as he always had, within reach if Naruto ever wanted to confront him.

It wasn't that he didn't care.

He was just very cautious about caring.

It wasn't like dark, brooding, mysterious, made-of-testosterone Duck-Hair to give a damn about the rest of the world. He wasn't a whiney, teary-eyed, fidgety teenage boyfriend who constantly worried whether or not everyone was 'okay.' He was been-through-hell-and-back, don't-care-'bout-nobody-no-how, must-prove-I'm-strong Sasuke Uchiha.

Naruto liked that.

A big, shiny tear dropped onto his pillow like a brick hitting the sand. Naruto abandoned his pillow and wriggled into Sasuke's personal bubble. Feeling selfish, overly confident, and high on post-traumatic-euphoria, he selfishly smothered Sasuke in a bear-hug and refused to let him go.

Predictably, Sasuke sighed, mumbled, wrapped an arm around Naruto, and left it at that.

Naruto smiled.

He'd never been more in love.

----

Chibi Sasuke: Fluff. I'm killing you all.

Me: You're just saying that, Sasuke-chan.

Chibi Gaara: -Spanish accent- you know you like it…

Chibi Sasuke: -snarls-

**Chibi Neji: By the way, did anyone find chapter 371 as orgasmic as Swirl did?**

Me: Homigawdlolwtfbbq!!!1111 Pain and Deidara had a lovechild, I swear.

Chibi Sasuke: EEEeeewwww…

Chibi Naruto: Ehmigawd where? 8D

Chibi Neji: -horrified at being left out- HOW??

Me: I don't know, but it happened and he has crazy-ass piercings. I wonder if all of his other bodies have that in common. Pain is very well named. Kudos to your (confusing and impulsive???) mind, Kishimoto.

Chibi Gaara: You read, now review! You've kept with us this far, so you MUST have an opinion, yes?

Me: It's a funny thing: having two fanfics with over a hundred reviews. I have become a review whore. I'm a very happy review whore. When I look in my inbox and see another review, I swear, it's like there's a party for my ego and everyone's invited. That's me in a nutshell. Make me happy:3

Chibi Gaara: For cookies! We're still bribing you, you know! Review, review, review!


	27. The Storm on the Horizon

**Jlh!!!**

**Disclaimer:** Snoooorrree…

Chibi Naruto: EEEEEhhhh!

Chibi Sasuke: Well, this chapter's been a long time coming, hasn't it?

Chibi Neji: You're a disappointment.

Me: -tear- I swear, the Six-Week-Grading-Beast snuck up on me in my sleep and tried to EAT ME.

Chibi Neji: Psh! Right! The SWGB doesn't exist.

Chibi Gaara: I think it does.

Chibi Neji: You're serious?

Chibi Gaara: It tried to give me a C once.

Chibi Naruto: It tried to flunk me once…

Me: Yes. It's horrible! Even before the SWGB snuck up on me, my teachers were shoving research papers in my face and saying 'DO IT NOW.'

Chibi Neji: Right. Well, in any case, do throw a pie in Swirl's face and remind her that you need more updates.

Chibi Gaara: Read, review, and relax!

**J L H 27**

When Sasuke woke up that morning, he'd expected something much more romantic. He'd been rather rudely awoken by a sudden inability to breathe. When he opened his eyes, he found the twitching arm of a loudly snoring Naruto pressing into his neck and obstructing his windpipe. After rolling away from that disaster, he took his time to notice Naruto's unladylike habits of sleeping on her back, arms and legs splayed every which way, pajama pants bunched up at the knees, mouth open, bellowing loud enough to scare an elephant.

She soon noticed that Sasuke was no longer there for her to smother. Eyes shut she absent-mindedly thumped various parts of the mattress with her arms, seeking him out. The Uchiha crept toward the corner of the bed. Naruto loafed and flopped about, wriggling not like a worm or a snake, but more like a quadruped whose legs had been recently hacked off.

In a moment of better judgment, Sasuke ambled off of the bed and left Naruto to her own dreamy devices. A second of indecision was all he needed to decide whether or not he wanted breakfast. Naruto would undoubtedly jump his hide for leaving her to 'wake up by herself.'

Sentimentality.

Honestly.

It was his disdain for sentimentality and his constant attitude of 'suck it up' that led Sasuke to the kitchen. Kyuubi was merrily flipping flapjacks in a skillet, as was her custom of making every day-off seem like a holiday. No cold cereal on PIR days.

Nope.

PIR.

This meant that Naruto would be there to bother him all day.

…

Well… in a way, this was good. The blonde had someone to snuggle and drool over for the duration of the day. Perhaps two days.

The bad news: Sasuke would have to delay his trip to the boxes.

Damn.

Maybe he could sneak off while she was asleep. If she woke up while Sasuke was sneaking off, he could use the excuse that he was going to the bathroom or he wanted a midnight snack. If he came back from his endeavor and Naruto was awake, he could use the previous excuse, but with the add-on: "and I got lost."

You know.

Just to make things _perfectly_ understandable.

"Saaaasukeeeeee!" Kyuubi yawned like a cat, "G'mooorrrninnnn…" She'd interrupted his train of thought, but Sasuke didn't need it anymore. He knew exactly how he'd execute his plan.

So he grumbled, "Hey," and eyed the bowl of raspberry scones sitting in much the same area Naruto had been sitting in last night. The she-fox followed his gaze and 'hmph'ed to herself. "Go ahead," she drawled, "but don't eat too many or Naruto'll kill you."

Sasuke ignored the 'or Naruto'll kill you' part and set about stumbling over his pajama pants to reach his breakfast.

Once he'd reached the counter by means of inertia, Sasuke greedily stuffed a scone in his mouth and spat crumbs all over the floor. Kyuubi admired the mess he was making and contentedly flipped a pancake.

Sasuke ignored her again and went about fumbling in the refrigerator for a milk-carton which hadn't been smeared with lipstick. Unwilling to find a glass and knowing that neither Kyuubi nor Jiraiya gave a damn, Sasuke dubbed the carton his and christened it by gulping down one third of its volume.

Kyuubi flipped another pancake.

"Sooo…" she drawled. Something akin to a knowing sneer slithered through the air and Sasuke took this as his cue to look back at her. Kyuubi lounged luxuriously in her pink bathrobe and bunny-slippers against the stove. "Anything happen yesterday that I should know about?"

"No," mumbled Sasuke around another scone.

With a quiescent narrowing of the eyes, Kyuubi added, "Particularly yesterday _night_?"

Shit.

The Uchiha gulped down the remains of his second scone and mumbled, "You heard that?"

Yet he knew very well that she had heard everything.

She was like a fly on the wall when she wanted to be.

"I hear lots of things," sang Kyuubi bemusedly with her gaze near the ceiling.

"I actually think… Naruto would like to tell you," Sasuke blurted. Then, he thought better of himself and ate his words. "On second thought, don't ask Naruto anything. She'll talk when she wants to talk."

Kyuubi huffed and flicked her fiery hair. "Looking out for her already, are you?"

"Yes."

"Shame," Kyuubi hummed without seeming like she was completely aware of what she was saying. She then pulled a toothpick out of a jar on the counter and mulled over it for a while. "You gonna' tell me what all the yelling and crying was about?"

Sasuke would have preferred not to. Firstly, there was Naruto's opinion to consider. Would she want the truth told or not?

Regardless of Naruto's opinion, Sasuke needed to make a choice. Ultimately, he went with the one that would cause Naruto the least pain. He sang like a bird.

"Well," Sasuke began in a calculating way, "Naruto had a… moment last night."

The duck-haired Uchiha had been watching carefully for a reaction from Kyuubi, so when her happy façade visually crumbled into something less ignorant, caution took over.

"Moment?" the red-haired fox keened and chewed on her toothpick.

"Yeah," Sasuke muttered, unsure of how to say much of anything, "So… she was upset last night because she asked me a question and I answered badly and-"

"Bad answer, eh? To what?" The greenish glint in Kyuubi's rippled irises let Sasuke know that she very well knew what. He humored her despite her gaze and said, "Well, she asked me a weird question one night and I wasn't exactly ready for it." He took a deep breath, feeling the worms of awkwardness begin to wriggle in his chest, "She asked me if I'd still like her if she was a guy."

"Ah!" Kyuubi squealed much too gleefully for Sasuke's tastes, "And you said 'No,' I imagine."

"Um…" Sasuke grumbled, "Yeah."

"Hah-hah!" Kyuubi cackled around the wobbling sliver of wood in her teeth. "The ultimate question of love, eh?" she rocked back on her heels, clapping her hands together and squinting in overcoming hilarity.

Coal-black eyes could only watch in silent frustration as Kyuubi cycled from happy, to worried, to laughably hilarious.

"I guess she gets it from me," Kyuubi giggled, referring to Naruto's sentiment.

To this, Sasuke didn't have much to say. He glared dumbly at the cackling woman, wondering quasi-fearfully where her mind had gone. As he was waiting for her fit to subside, a single thought blared through his head. "I hate romantics like you," Sasuke deadpanned.

"Really?" drawled Kyuubi with a sharp, calculating smile, "I hate realists."

"I'm a realist," Sasuke admitted as-a-matter-of-factly.

"A former acquaintance of mine was a realist," Kyuubi announced flatly, spitting her toothpick onto the floor. Sasuke raised an eyebrow in silent puzzlement. The fox-woman closed her eyes and continued, evenly, "and it was only his fortune of looking like another person that saved him from death."

"And?" Sasuke bit.

"And I think that's proof enough that no one likes a realist."

----

So there Naruto was, minding his own business, when what to his wondering eyes should appear but-

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

He opened his eyes that morning with his arms in the air and a smile on his lips, waiting to give Sasuke a big, wet, good-morning kiss.

Too bad Sasuke hadn't been there to receive it.

Naruto tapped his fingers irately on the bed sheets. He was a fool for thinking that Sasuke would bother to stay with him until he woke up. Not that Naruto could blame him, though. It was already late into the morning and Sasuke had no doubt been hungry.

That, and the haphazard mess of blankets scattered about the bed suggested that Naruto had been in another one of his swimming episodes.

Naruto slunk past his morning rituals of yawning and stretching and crept like a spider across the bed sheets. He snuck past the shadow of the doorframe and pressed himself flush against the wall. The blonde didn't have to strain his ears to hear the babble coming from the kitchen.

Jiraiya was awake, as was made apparent by the peal of resounding laughter which came somersaulting along the walls. The high pitch of keening giggles which followed heralded Kyuubi's odd sense of humor.

Naruto wondered where Sasuke was during all this.

Silence considered, the Uchiha boy may very well have been in the room. Why should Sasuke of all people express any emotion through voice instead of conveying it through a simple gesture of the hand?

Far be it from Duck Man to act human once in a while.

Mutter… mutter…

Naruto was fed up with his charade rather quickly. He swept four fingers through his mop of blonde bed-head before sauntering into the room, stamping a foot onto the seat of the nearest dining chair in a triumphant Captain Morgan pose, and demanding to know where Sasuke was.

"Out back," motioned Kyuubi with a glistening thumbnail. "By the way," she added, eyes flashing beneath layers of expertly smooth mascara, "You missed breakfast."

Naruto's jaw dropped.

Missed breakfast?

How the hell did that happen?

Jaw mere inches from brushing against the floor, Naruto glared at the clock on the wall. Noon. Well _that_ took the spice out of life.

"Jiraiya and I ate your pancakes," the redhead drawled, "So get yourself a Pop Tart or something."

"Whatever," growled Naruto.

He ignored the protests of his gurgling stomach and set about slithering along the walls in an attempt to locate that telltale duck tail. The blonde fox poked his nose around the recliner in Jiraiya's living room, where he had a perfect view of his uncle's frog pond. Tawny stepping stones here, tufts of reeds there… but no ducks.

Hmm…

Naruto slunk to the sliding glass door in all its fingerprint-smudged glory. He looked left, right, up, down, forward, and behind (since he secretly suspected the Uchiha of being a ninja), but alas, Sasuke had made himself scarce and it appeared as if he wanted to keep it that way. Naruto was in much too selfish a mood to allow the duck-haired boy his solitude. The blonde had gone breakfastless, in his pajamas, in order to locate him.

Sasuke would be found, by God.

Naruto expertly slid the door to the side, slid it back, and bounded into the fern garden. He poked his head out of the greenery like a fluffy, blonde dandelion, turning a full three hundred and sixty degrees.

No Sasuke.

On a hunch, Naruto rose from the dirt and swept the mud off of his pajama pants. In a manner that Winnie the Pooh would have admired, Naruto bumbled over to a boulder at the side of the sheltered bog, sat down, squinted, brought a thumb to his chin, and thought.

When Kyuubi said 'out back,' Naruto took her words to mean the backyard. Now, there were no front or back yards to speak of on Jiraiya's property, just one big, unkempt, wooded swamp. Thus, Naruto came to the sudden and expedient notion that Sasuke could have been anywhere.

The blonde turned it into an improvised game of hide-and-seek.

He hopped off of his boulder and circumnavigated the frog swamp. In his bare feet, he pussyfooted across a spring by means of a sun-bleached heap of deadfall. The ground was mushy and cold, much as Naruto remembered it to be, and the dewy smell served to lighten his mood. He traversed the lawn (if it could be called a lawn) and emerged in a gap between an evergreen and a severely misplaced poplar tree.

Before him yawned the unkempt concrete driveway and the distant, gaping hole in the bushes to which it was attached. Jiraiya's black beast of a car basked and sparkled in the sunlight while Kyuubi's red beater hid inconspicuously in a patch of bushes just outside her bedroom window.

Recognizing the territory once again, Naruto dashed out of the trees and padded across the unmown grass. He'd made it halfway across the ice-cold driveway when a voice suddenly sighed, "Naaaaarutooooo…"

He turned his head to see a porcupine mess of grey hair yelling at him from a bedroom window.

"What?" he replied with his arms across his chest.

"Go get the mail for me, wouldja'?" grinned Jiraiya.

All the blonde required was a split second of thought. He supposed he could go out of his way… "Fine," he shouted, "but I get the TV tonight. Deal?"

Jiraiya narrowed one eye and drew his lower lip up in fuzzy contemplation. "Deal," he admitted finally.

Meh heh heh.

Score.

Now Naruto could drag Sasuke into watching whatever movie he damn well pleased. That, and Jiraiya couldn't hog his plasma screen.

Gleeful in that notion, Naruto spun his heels on the cement and skipped toward the mailbox. Halfway to his rendezvous, the blonde realized why Jiraiya didn't want to get off his lazy ass and get the mail.

It was_ that far away._

Naruto swore he ran past the _same_ bush twelve times.

Short of breath, yet proudly not out of it, Naruto padded over to the wrought-iron gates at the edge of his uncle's universe. He was about to take a flying leap into the oblivion of the sidewalk when a conversation caught his ear.

"_This_ place?" scoffed a voice hotly, "_this_ old jerk could be her step-brother?"

"Um, well, yeah!" a second voice gobbled in a tone similar to the fluffiness of cotton candy.

"Jeez…" the first voice muttered, "And I always wanted to blow this place into the sky. Guess today's my lucky day, yeah?"

Naruto zipped any complaints he may have had behind his lips and crawled on all fours into the foliage. He had no idea who these people were, but they sounded awfully familiar, and Naruto was afraid he wouldn't like what they had to say.

"Um, yeah, sempai! You just can't blow it up today. We're not even sure if this is the right pla-"

"Tobi, you idiot! Stop shining on my rainy day, yeah."

"Um… okay!"

"Hmph."

A short silence, and then, "Does this mean Deidara-sempai likes rainy days?"

"Would you _shut up_ already, yeah?"

A longer silence.

"So Tobi, did Konan say anything about the _other_ ten houses we were supposed to watch?"

Silence.

"Tobi?"

Silence.

"TOBI!"

More silence, and then a high pitched, whispered, "But Deidara-sempai said not to saaaayyyyy anything…"

"Talk."

"Shesaidtheywereveryfarawayandthatweshouldjustfocusonthisonetoday!" said Tobi.

"What?" deadpanned Deidara-sempai.

"Nothing!" giggled Tobi devilishly.

Naruto bit down on his tongue to ensure his own silence. He wondered what these two suspicious voices were talking about. It occurred to him that they could have been talking about anyone in the universe. Try as he might, however, he couldn't stop the reverse-psychology, pessimistic adrenaline that screamed for involvement in something epic.

One side of the blonde's mind harbored a secret affair with disaster. He listened to his inner monologue in horror as he realized how badly he _wanted_ these two voices to be evil and himself to be the target of their wrath.

"Tch! Whatever, yeah," the angry voice huffed. "Why the hell do we get all the fuckin' recon jobs, yeah?"

"Dunno," chirped Tobi, "Really, I don't. To watch stuff, you gotta' have stealth, sempai, and that's something you don't-"

"Finish that thought, Tobi. I dare you."

Silence.

"Thought so."

Wait… wait a second! Naruto knew those voices sounded familiar! His eyes shot painfully wide and he curled his knees further into his chest. These were the guys who 'found' his cell phone! Porky Pig and Mr. Yeah! Judging by the clear difference in their pitches and manners of speech, Porky Pig was Tobi and Mr. Yeah was Deidara-sempai.

If that was the case and Sasuke's suspicions proved true, dark clouds were forming just above Jiraiya's house.

_Naruto's_ house.

_Sasuke's house._

_This_ was the house they were watching.

"Hey sempai!" Tobi shouted urgently.

"I'm right here, dumbass," Deidara-sempai muttered, audibly sneering and squinting his eyes. After an episode of silent loathing, Deidara-sempai, who Naruto remembered to be blonde, grumbled, "What, yeah?"

"Viper in the grass!" the black-haired one hissed.

…

Oh, fuck no.

Naruto slowly pressed himself into the bushes. They couldn't have noticed him… could they? He swallowed his heart, which was beating so fervently that he could hear its drumming reverberating off of the leaves.

"What are you, _stupid_?" scoffed Deidara-sempai, "_I'm_ the brains of this outfit. _I'll_ say if there's a viper in the grass!" He paused a moment, allowing the breeze to rustle past the bushes.

"There's a viper in the grass."

Naruto gulped and shut his eyes. Ho-no. No, no, no, no, NO. This wasn't happening. If those two came rampaging through the fence, Naruto didn't know what he'd do. They'd kidnap him and they'd yell at him and they'd beat him and they'd steal his pajamas and they'd-

Suddenly, there was a sharp crackle in the branches above Naruto's head.

A harsh, eye-popping, slapping sound. A squeal and a pathetic "Ahahahaoowww!"

Then, there was a lot of yelling.

Naruto melted into a blonde puddle of relief beneath the bushes.

"Tobi, you idiot!" Deidara-sempai shrieked, "You got me riled up about a fucking _squirrel_, yeah!"

"That hurt, sempaiii…" Tobi whined, "Besides, you were the one who-"

"You said it first, yeah!"

"But you said you were-"

"You. Said. It. First," a menacing growl, "Yeah."

"Umm…" Tobi drew out carelessly, as if all was right and good in the world, "Okay!" He then added in a devious whisper, "Just a _squirrel_, sempai. Just a squirrel."

Naruto had draped himself in the mud surrounding the base of one of Jiraiya's dying flower bushes. He wiggled his fingers around anxiously in the dirt and prayed to whatever god listening that Porky Pig and Mr. Yeah would find something better with which to occupy their time.

Soon.

There were a few more smacking sounds, a few more vocalizations from Tobi which varied from gleeful squeals to annoyed growls, and then one of them or the other announced that he was prowling along the remaining perimeter. Naruto knew better than to spring up and make a mad dash for the house, though. He listened with one ear to the ground as two pairs of footsteps shook softly out of range.

The blonde fox slowly slithered out from beneath the bush and poked his head out from the shriveling foliage. He considered for a moment the screen of overgrown junipers which choked the southern edge of his uncle's acreage. Judging from the directions the footprints vanished off to, they were headed in that direction. Naruto merely had to wait a minute or so before he was absolutely sure that he wouldn't be noticed.

In that lonely minute or so, Naruto took his time to consider the amount of sheer luck which had just reached out from nowhere in particular and hugged him senseless. First off, he'd stumbled upon an important conversation completely by accident. Second of all, he already knew about the two chatterboxes and Sasuke's intelligent aversion toward them. Thirdly, he hadn't been noticed. Fourth, if luck would be kind enough to hang onto the sleeves of his pajamas, Naruto would be able to dash back to his house and warn his family before any of them were spotted.

The blonde fox crept at an agonizing pace away from the bushes and slunk a few feet out into the lawn. Straining his ears against the neighbors' dogs and the traffic on the street two blocks away, Naruto heard no voices indicating the approach of the two mysterious figures. In no immediate danger, he dashed for the house, dodging rocks and branches in an effort to remain silent.

As he neared the door, he ducked behind a decorative sandstone boulder and listened again. Nothing. Naruto cautiously crept along the grass and into the driveway before slinking behind his uncle's screen door and shutting it noiselessly after him.

As soon as he was safely in the house, a familiar, snidely voice caught his ear.

"Crocodiles get you?" sneered a dark-eyed menace lurking unassumingly with every limb splayed about across Jiraiya's recliner. Naruto was in neither the mood nor the convenience of repaying Sasuke with a dry remark.

"Where were you?" Naruto hissed loudly.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow and remarked, "Here."

"Not when I looked!" the blonde shrieked, adrenaline still flowing.

Sasuke laboriously rolled over and shot Naruto a queer look. "Some impending crisis I should know about?"

"Yes," announced Naruto.

The duck-haired Uchiha cast a slow, rolling glance toward the ceiling, sighed, and muttered, "About what?"

"Where's mom?" was the only thing Naruto could think to say.

Something in the kitchen whistled, "over here, smart one," and Naruto instantly dove in its direction. Having skidded into the kitchen on his knees, the blonde boy took a deep breath at the fuzzy soles of his mother's slippers and harped, "I went to get the mail for Jiraiya and there were these two people talking and I recognized them and Sasuke thinks they're evil and-"

"What?" growled Sasuke as he managed through inertia to hurl himself off of the recliner.

Naruto leaned back into the carpet of the living room and whined, "Remember the weird blonde guy who said 'yeah' all the time and the little, stuttering dude who followed him around? You know, the ones who 'found' my phone?"

The Uchiha's eyebrows shot into the stratosphere as his head fell below his shoulders in realization. "You're sure?" he deadpanned, the gravity of the matter pooling about the feet of both himself and Naruto.

Kyuubi, however, exempt from the gut-wrenching effects of any form of excitement, hovered on her bunny-slippers, leaned cutely into the room with her hands swinging at her sides, and chirped, "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Stalkers!" Naruto squealed, jumping to his heels and waving his hands about in front of his face.

"Stalkers," the fox-woman echoed, rolling each syllable about on her tongue. She stood there, quietly, two minutes or more, as Naruto frantically tried to get her attention. The blonde wailed and flailed and shrieked about the impending doom befalling each and every occupant of the household. Naruto had no idea who these people were, who they worked for, or why the hell they were watching his uncle's house. He had a sinking feeling that they had some sort of unfinished business with his mom. The blonde hadn't a clue as to the nature of said business, but he could guess as a factor of Kyuubi's profession that it was less than divine.

More one-night-stands?

More not-boyfriends perhaps?

As uncommon as they were, perhaps one of them was a special case of 'i will luv u 4ever dont leve plz!!1'

If so, why were they being so roundabout about getting Kyuubi's address? They had to hijack his phone for reasons Naruto couldn't understand, the personal information in the purse he'd left in Kisame's car sent Sasuke into a fit, and now the two phone-jackers were prowling the premises like ferrets with something to find, chew on, steal, and hide underneath a couch.

"And you said that one of them said… 'yeah' all the time?" the fiery-haired target mused.

"Yeah," wheezed Naruto.

"And he was blonde?" Kyuubi asked as she clicked the backs of her fingernails together.

"Yeah," wheezed Naruto.

"And there was someone with him. Loud, annoying, and probably taller than me?"

"Um… yeah."

"Hmmm…" Kyuubi picked at a corner of her bangs bemusedly, "Did you catch their names?"

"Umm…" Good Lord! He just heard them a minute ago! What were their names again? Toe… something and Day… something… Suddenly, through the magic of wisdom Naruto prided himself in having, he shouted, "Tobi and Deidara-sempai!"

"Oh Jesus on white bread," muttered Kyuubi with a thumb and index finger to her eyes.

Naruto slumped to the floor, exasperated and exhausted, while Sasuke dutifully stepped over his end of the conversation and made it his job to continue. "You recognize them?" the Uchiha rumbled like a seasoned inquisitor.

"Yep, sadly," Kyuubi remarked while removing her nails from her eyes and pressing them into her hips, "Sasuke, I bet Naruto's told you what I do for a living, eh?"

"Yes," Sasuke replied resolutely.

"Bitch," said Kyuubi.

"Anyway," the Uchiha pressed with a flick of his hair.

"Anyway, they gave me a pretty generous tip. I think they were expecting something _else_ from me when my shift was over. That doesn't float my boat anymore. So I left," she chewed on a corner of her lip and shrugged, "Guess they couldn't take a hint."

"And now they're stalking you," Sasuke deadpanned, "very methodically."

"Yep." Kyuubi then shifted her weight to her other foot, hips sailing to the other side of the archway, and mentioned, "Sasuke, you're a man. You know how men get."

Naruto didn't have to look up to see the blood vessels popping in Sasuke's head, but he didn't know whether said pops were caused by a nosebleed and a pair of eyes rolling out of his skull, or by indignation at being compared to other men.

Regardless of Sasuke's high blood pressure, Naruto could feel his own pulse dropping like a lead weight. So these people weren't potentially deadly, just potentially _horny_. Good God. Who in their right of mind stalked a friggin' _pole-dancer_ halfway around the world for a fuck?

The brooding Uchiha seemed to take this improbability to heart. Naruto lay back into the carpet and considered Sasuke's skeptically narrowed eyes and set jaw. Chances were, he had an objection, but Naruto knew better than anyone else that the duck-haired statue loved to conceal his inner monologue. He clicked the tip of his tongue to his teeth and tilted his head slightly, the only indication that Kyuubi had said something wrong.

"'Kay, here's the deal," the fox-woman gestured dramatically with her arms, "We aren't here. We're hangin' out with the curtains drawn. The only one who goes outside is Jiraiya."

"These 'stalkers' of yours," Sasuke deadpanned with finger-quotes, "don't know we kids exist. So why can't we leave?"

"_Because_ you're kids," shrugged Kyuubi as-a-matter-of-factly, "and you can't defend yourselves."

Sasuke gave her a slack-jawed look which clearly shouted "INJUSTICE," but Kyuubi wasn't paying attention. "Jiraiya can go out because firstly, he has a huge, black car."

Naruto choked on an air pocket.

"Secondly, he can fend for himself. Thirdly, he needs to get off of his fat, white ass every once in a while. So there you have it," Kyuubi whistled. "Any objections?"

Sasuke sighed and his shoulders dropped as he shook his head.

The redhead grinned with a sparkling mouthful of crisply white teeth, "Good." She then jerked her head to the side and shouted Jiraiya's name, upon which the white-haired man bumbled into the room with an exasperated "Whaaaaaatttt?"

"Get the curtains," Kyuubi suggested, examining her nails, "I have a stalker."

One corner of the old man's lips sagged earthward and twitched. "Fine," he grumbled before sighting Naruto on the floor and asking, "Naruto! You get my mail?"

"Uh…" Naruto grumbled nervously, "No."

----

Well wasn't this just _divine._

Sasuke didn't know what could have made his day better. An earthquake… a tornado… come to think of it, a nice, big, endless, gaping _hole_ in the galaxy would have put things into perspective.

He'd been wandering outside that morning, searching each window for any sign of those goddamn boxes, and he finally found the room Kyuubi had tipped him off to. The closet lurked unassumingly in a corner, darkly enveloping space, and peeking out of its open door were several corners of several boxes. Having found what he was looking for, he headed back inside via the front door. Naruto must've been searching somewhere else.

The Uchiha had been brooding in his recliner, conjuring various methods of extracting information from his beloved boxes, when in dashed Naruto, flailing like a fish fresh out of the pond. From what Sasuke heard, she was in just about as much trouble.

Kyuubi seemed to think differently.

Sasuke was no longer surprised at the fox-woman's playful indifference. Her field of thought deviated so much from 'acceptable,' that Sasuke almost found it normal. The alarm in Naruto's concern rolled lazily off of Kyuubi's shoulders in a shrug. She'd offered an explanation to the situation, but Sasuke didn't buy it.

There was no way a pair of disappointed nymphomaniacs would go to such lengths to locate Kyuubi. Sasuke could only wonder once again why she would openly lie to her daughter about something like that.

Either she was a phenomenal improviser, or she had something to hide.

Correction.

She was a phenomenal improviser _with_ something to hide. The boxes proved that. Sasuke resolved to raid the faux-hidden stash sometime that night, but he wasn't entirely sure he'd be happy with what he found.

Currently, as Naruto had abandoned him in favor of helping her uncle with the windows, Sasuke flopped back down into the recliner, muted the television, and sat awhile in thought.

Sasuke was certain at that point in time that Naruto's mother had a past connection to the Akatsuki. The blonde guy and his whimsical cohort were sniffing about her personal space, the Uchiha recognized them from the Literal Cultures Club photograph, and that meant that Kyuubi was being stalked by the Akatsuki.

This, as anyone would infer, was a problem.

Sasuke's mind backtracked to the sidelong comment Naruto had thrown once about her father. She said he was killed by the Akatsuki. Maybe they were after her mom because… they were married? She was a witness?

Who knew?

He wasn't left long to his inner muse. Naruto came bumbling enthusiastically into the room, launched herself in the general direction of the recliner, hollered, "Duckieeee!" and landed two feet short of her target.

She didn't bother to heave herself off of the floor, deciding instead to crawl on all fours before popping up beyond the edge of the chair. "Isn't this exciting?" she whispered enthusiastically, hastily-done whisker-marks quivering with energy.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow at her. "No," he replied, "this is dangerous."

"Same thing!" squeaked Naruto, "Gets the adrenaline goin'!"

"Yes," bartered Sasuke, "but it's still dangerous. You and I are having a talk about this later."

"Why not now?" inquired the blonde with a queer tilt of the head.

"_Later_," growled Sasuke through clenched teeth, "I don't need people _overhearing_ us."

The blonde fixed a blank, lazy eye at him for two seconds, then rocketed backward and hummed, "Ohhhhh…" She grinned impishly, masking the unhappy glint in her eyes, "Got some more suspicions you want to talk about?"

Sasuke nodded warily.

The gesture clanked loudly in the cogs of Naruto's brain before the anxiety-ridden girl finally clambered onto Sasuke's recliner, used him as a mattress, and stayed there.

----

To say that Naruto was extremely unhappy was no lie. In fact, the dramatic 'IF's of life were leaping about in his brain like canned snakes. He was very good at acting carefree, though, and it made him feel better.

So there he was, after escaping a potential crisis, twiddling his toes, smothering his boyfriend, and humming various lines of _The Jabberwocky_. He needed something to distract him from the catastrophe at hand and desperately wanted to shove away the thought of two potential rapists prowling the lawn.

A thought then occurred to him.

If these people were so annoying and threatening, why wasn't Kyuubi hurling law enforcement at them? She seemed so very keen on surrounding Naruto with bodyguards, and yet she couldn't manage to report a public disturbance?

Something didn't add up.

Perhaps she didn't want to get the police involved.

If the suspicion Sasuke had instilled in Naruto was to be believed, perhaps Kyuubi didn't want these men to know that she was aware of their presence. Hm.

Yep. He and Sasuke were going to have a _lovely_ time discussing this.

Naruto was not awarded the luxury of any immediate, straight answers, as per usual. Sasuke the Secretive would wait until the last minute before spilling all of the complicated speculations he could think of.

"Does this mean we're sleeping in the same bed again?" Naruto asked curiously, if a bit irrelevantly.

"Yes," deadpanned Sasuke, "unless you plan on trying to suffocate me again."

Naruto quirked a blonde eyebrow and rolled over, jabbing his elbows right and left at Sasuke's expense. The other boy rolled his eyes and held his breath, letting it go in a sigh when Naruto stuck his nose in his face. "Death by asphyxiation?" the blonde inquired with a tilt of the head.

Was that why Sasuke was gone? Naruto knew he rolled around in his sleep, but not that much…

"Yes," confirmed Sasuke gravely, "And when I tried to move away, you chased me."

Naruto pressed his lower lip upward and narrowed his lips into a fine, unimpressed line. "Chased?" he quoted.

Sasuke's eyes clouded over for a second in intense thought. "More like 'bludgeoned'," he decided with a tap of his pale fingers against the arm of the recliner.

Ever unimpressed with Sasuke's exaggerations, Naruto braced his middle finger against his thumb, brought his hand to Sasuke's face, and flicked him on the forehead. The Uchiha blinked for a delirious second, regaining his bearings, before saying, "Don't do that," and palming Naruto in the face as if he were a volleyball.

The blonde decided that Sasuke was in severe need of punishment.

So he finished what he started the night before and set about suffocating Sasuke to death.

This was not done in the conventional way, air forcefully squeezed from the system or blocked in any way or another, but the Uchiha had a peculiar habit of refusing to breathe when he was kissed. It was apparent, not long after Sasuke had discovered that he was on the _receiving_ end of a kiss, that the other boy was at a disadvantage. _He_ was not in charge. _He_ was the one being shoved into the recliner.

Naruto giggled as the other boy mumbled, grumbled, and squirmed when the blonde withdrew and placed a rapid-fire barrage of big, wet pecks all over his face. Then, he'd kiss Sasuke again and the instant he felt that hot tongue tickle his lips he'd giggle and molest the Uchiha all over again.

"This isn't fair," Sasuke hissed in one breath.

"Your payment for leaving me without waking me up first," Naruto cackled evilly.

"I was afraid of what you might have done once I woke you up!" groused Sasuke as he shrugged one eyebrow that was currently being sexually assaulted by Naruto's lips.

"What might I have done?" Naruto sang deviously.

"Something stupid."

"Like what?"

"Like… eat my toes… or something."

"Your toes are ugly."

"Naruto, that hurts."

"And your fingers are ugly," kiss, "and your biceps are ugly," smooch, "and your calves are ugly," snog, "and your bellybutton is ugly," smack, "and your ass is ugly," peck, "and you know what else is ugly?"

"I bet you're going to tell me."

"Your _hair_ is ugly," Naruto triumphed with another dive at Sasuke's lips.

Expertly, Sasuke turned his head to the side and Naruto's lips landed near the Uchiha's ear. That simple movement was the genesis of relaxation for the both of them. Naruto gradually grew bored of assaulting Sasuke and Sasuke appeared quite glad that Naruto had found something better to do with his time. The television, which, for reasons unknown to the blonde, had been muted, now blared with noise.

Kyuubi stalked once or twice about the room, inspecting the curtains and daring to take the occasional peek. Overall, neither Sasuke nor Naruto tore their eyes from the screen to acknowledge her existence. Just as well, though, as the red-haired woman never made herself obvious.

Lunch disappeared into thin air. Naruto hadn't eaten breakfast, but the abandoned, kernel filled bowls at the base of the recliner served as a snack until he was pried off of Sasuke in time for dinner.

In spite of the action, Kyuubi had managed to make the day feel blearily commonplace. Any comment from Naruto was swiftly averted into a much more dinner-table-safe stream. Naruto's apprehension was pacified and Sasuke seemed to enjoy lurking quietly in the depths of his own imagination.

It was unanimously decided (with the exception of Silent Sasuke) that the current vigil of the two unknown men was nothing to be alarmed about.

After dinner, the house slowed to a molasses-at-zero-Kelvin crawl. Kyuubi was rather sluggish, slinking about the house like a snake in the snow. She headed to her room sooner than usual and vanished without a trace. Jiraiya made an offhanded comment that it would do Naruto and Sasuke well to head to their respective rooms in due time. Naruto wasn't particularly tired.

Neither was Sasuke.

In fact, once Jiraiya was out of sight, he adopted a peculiar pastime of shutting the lights off and peering through the curtains.

"I think I already know what's going on, but you should probably tell me what you're worrying about," Naruto suggested, now that the two of them were alone. The Uchiha replied by casting the blonde a strange look over his shoulder and saying, "What do you think?"

"I think my mom's hiding stuff," Naruto grumbled ambiguously.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," sneered Sasuke.

Ignoring him, Naruto went on, "I also think that she doesn't want these people to know that _she_ knows they're here. That's why she hasn't called the police on them."

Sasuke shrugged his shoulders and nodded as if to grudgingly admit Naruto had found something he'd overlooked. The blonde smirked.

Naruto: one. Sasuke: zip.

Blissfully unaware that he was on the wavering side of the leader board, Sasuke peered out of the curtains again and muttered, "I think your mom's being stalked by… gangsters."

Naruto burst out laughing. Gangsters? _Gangsters? _Was that all Sasuke could come up with? Good Lord! His imagination _sucked!_

"Dobe!" The Uchiha hissed from a cherry-red face, "Stop it!"

"Be serious!" Naruto giggled, 'serious' sounding something more of 'see-hee-hee-_heeeerious_' due to his undying laughter.

"I _am _being serious!" huffed Sasuke with his arms crossed.

Naruto's lighthearted giggles bubbled away when he noticed the positively deadly glare the Uchiha was casting him. Okay… Gangsters. Did Naruto want to hear the rest of the explanation?

"And how did you come up with this?" Naruto deadpanned.

Sasuke sighed and his eyes traveled in great arcs across the ceiling. "It's not that hard to discover," he growled.

Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "So the explanation my mom gave you doesn't work?"

"Nope."

"Well," thought Naruto, "I suppose it _is_ a little… extreme."

"Your mom makes no sense," Sasuke grumbled flatly, "It's difficult to believe anything she says anymore."

Naruto nodded. He didn't like to believe it, but his mom was being awfully secretive. Finally, he sighed, "So why do you think these people are mobsters?"

Sasuke seemed unwilling to answer. "Well," he mumbled after countless sighs and growls, "I have reason to believe that they're associated with Kisame, and I know Kisame's involved with the darker side of town…" Suddenly, a blip of insight passed through Sasuke's onyx eyes and he piped up, "Say, Naruto, you never told me what happened before that guy on the motorcycle chased you."

"I didn't?" inquired Naruto with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"Nope," replied Sasuke.

"I'm sure I did-"

"Then say it _again_," Sasuke hissed in exasperation.

"Okay, okay, Teme!" Naruto pacified rudely. Ah, where to begin… Sasuke, being as over-analytical as he was, would probably want to know why Naruto hadn't immediately headed home, where he went, what time it was, what color everyone's clothes were, and whether or not there had been any circus clowns in the immediate vicinity. Naruto began with the genesis of the event. "A car came out of nowhere and splashed slush all over me, so I figured I'd visit Gaara's bookstore while my clothes dried. It was closer than the house, so-"

"Wait," interrupted Sasuke, "What kind of a car was it?"

_How _did Naruto _know…_

"Corvette, I think. Something flashy and fast," he grumbled, "Silver or white."

The Uchiha's eyes darkened with thought. "And what happened after that?"

"Went to the bookstore, of course," Naruto shrugged carelessly. "When I walked in the door I got attacked by the clerk. I think Karin was her name."

Sasuke flinched.

Naruto ignored this and went on, "She and this weird guy named Suigetsu-" another flinch- "got into a fight and I ran away. Then, I walked down an isle, heard some really loud music, got caught listening, and the guy with the headphones turned out to be a complete nutcase. There. End of story."

"What did this guy look like? Did he say his name?"

Naruto rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh yes," came the grave remark, "Right after telling me that he was a psychotic stalker, he said, 'By the way, my name is Jim,' and gave me five seconds to run for my life."

"Not funny," warned Sasuke.

Naruto rolled his eyes again. Being on the spot as he was, he didn't enjoy the dark look in the Uchiha's eyes and he wondered what he'd done to deserve it. Regardless, he continued with the startlingly indescribable looks of his pursuer. "Umm…" Naruto hummed for a moment, "He was kinda'… short. He was wearing a blue hoodie, I think. He didn't sound very old." Naruto racked his mind further, "His hair was straight and black, kind of like yours, but longer. He had it in a ponytail. He was really pale. And… there was a big pile of books on the table next to-"

A loud, painful boom like a brick hitting the floor was all to signal Naruto of Sasuke's departure from consciousness.

----

Chibi Gaara: Ohoho! Painful realization, perhaps?

Chibi Naruto: Stop using big words. They scare me.

Chibi Sasuke: -down and out-

Me: Well? Not worth your wait, I'm sure. Maybe something more devious will happen in the next chapter, eh? –maniacal laughter-

Chibi Naruto: Making them wait makes them angry.

Me: Meheheh. It'll all be _fine_ in the end, I'm sure.

Chibi Gaara: You're making a _fine_ mess of yourself.

Me: Rest assured, audience! I plan on introducing to you the generous dose of gratuitous destruction which is the AKATSUKI. Very soon, mind you. Perhaps… oh… _in the next chapter_.

Chibi Naruto: You're the devil.

Me: I know.

Chibi Gaara: Well, we're not above bribing you yet. You read it, now review it! Virtual, useless, and completely calorie-free cyber cookies for reviewers! Review, review, review!


End file.
